Undergraduate / I want to go further- What inspired you to study @U Toronto [4]


... wish if you say this a bit differntly;
Nowadays, technology and innovation are the most influential things in youth behavior.


It is this view that eventually got developed into a great passion of mine for Engineering.


.... this is not very strong :(


Since my childhood, I was an avid reader and my bookshelf was always covered with science fictions and magazines.

Scholarship / "Life is calling. How far will you go?"; NHSC Scholarship-Underserved population [5]


... and the importance of being a team player


It is a powerful story about a relationship between health care providers and Hmong refugee family that was trying to find a cure for their epileptic daughter despite the issues of contradicting cultural views.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task1 Letter "Request Information & Write Letter to friend" [3]


This is a sort of formal letter that you write to some office asking information about a scholarship. In such letters you generally give your full name, so have your surname too.... Remember, you must understand the nature of the letter and to whom it is written. Accordingly you need to use the tone of the letter.

Also, mention the name of the high school.



.... tell them how best the school is in relation to your goals and aspirations :)

Letters / IELTS Task1; Letter requesting my teacher to write a REFERENCE letter for me [4]


Hey... this is for your teacher , ok? .... So do you call your teacher by name? .... Even if you do, I guess for this task you better address him as Mr. :D


I too think that's not wise... Start with greeting him, and since he's your teacher, you need to show respect throughout this letter;

I hope this letter finds you well. I'm writing to you in hope of asking a favor. ... Now tell what you want him to do


You don't need to introduce yourself as your teacher knows you already. But you need to give him the details that he requires to write about you.

Writing Feedback / Possible ways to encourage the use of public transport to reduce traffic - IELTS [5]


.... two things - air pollution + congestion
My suggestion;
.... it is quite obvious that air pollution and traffic congestion increase at an alarming pace.


.... this has no grammar issue, but it is a bit odd as an idea. This is what I suggest;
Such efforts have discouraged people using their private cars on highways due to the high cost they incur compared to much less expensive public transportation.

You display excellent writing skills... Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IETLS GT writing task 1 - Writing to a penfriend [3]


Add one more sentence of very personal nature before coming to the point, such as;
I hope you are doing great with your studies.


.... actually this professor's story is not important because your prompt does not indicate anything of that sort. Simply talk about his curiosity over knowing news in your country;

I thought of sharing some latest news of our country with you as you expressed your curiosity in knowing about us.


... Well I think,it is better you talk of some serious news such as political, social, sports etc.... That's how the prompt sounds :)

Writing Feedback / Technology effects; making friends and communicate with one another is different [5]


It's better if you state your opinion about this; do you think it is negative or positive?


Better not make your sentences crowded with too complicated expressions


You better say that people nowadays choose these means to stay connected without making efforts to seeing each other physically. Don't forget that you need to keep a good alignment with your topic always :)

Writing Feedback / "For most folks, no news is good news; for the press, good news is not news." [6]



Yes.... Your sentence is incomplete. It should be something like;
In my opinion, not only the bad news, but also the good news should be reported.


In fact, more than they make people sad, they sound very sensational and attract the attention of a wider audience. Since press guys are more keen on selling their stories, they love sensational stories irrespective of whether such stories are meaningful or not.

You have talked about this in your third body para... I feel you should merge this para with that.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Typical stages of consumer goods manufacturing [4]

Good intro :)

... This is good advice from william....passive voice works well for graphical interpritations. However, it does not mean you shouldn't use direct speech. Here, the passive sounds better :)


.... there are two research units as per the diagram; product and market
So, the term "research wing" sounds vague as to what side it refers to , or even both

Writing Feedback / people use the mobile phone or computer to communicate, and no longer write letters [3]


This sentence flows nicely upto the point "hi-tech tools". I wish you take the rest of the line into a new sentence;
This has cuased a less preference for writing letters because people don't find it as convienient as sending e-mails or texting short messages.



This is not very clear... you talk about writing skills and again about some inherent values. You better specify that!

Undergraduate / "I value honesty and hard work" ; Personal Information [3]


...looks like you love the way your intro is.... well, it's kind of quite unorthodox, but interesting :)



...self-esteem (no "s")


This sounds a bit confusing, especially the highlighted part... I feel you better re-phrase


... where's punctuation? Have the commas in appropriate places :)

Writing Feedback / Accuaracy of information found on the internet [2]


I feel "influence" is a better keyword


good sentence :)


The correct usage is "trustworthy"
Any way, very good introduction :)


.... I wish you break up this line;
...the main websites are required to register with a webhoster. This means that the posts are administered and moderated in order to make the posters accountable.

Undergraduate / my journey to happiness ; VCU PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]


.... which was the school I was dreaming to attend, but felt too afraid to apply.



I too agree with that Lady to some extent. You cut down on elaborating inner feelings. Talk about it briefly, but not in so much detail. Then come to the point thay you are now confident with your application and how VCU would help you reach your goals. You need to talk about your goals too :)

Speeches / What would you be willing to do to become a professional athlete?; PERSUASIVE SPEECH [3]


this is awesome :)


Since this sounds close to the pattern you presented your previous sentence, I guess it would be better if you slightly change its presentation ( this way is not wrong and that's just an idea);

Steroids and other performance enhancing drugs increase the testosterone production in athlete's body.


Well written essay... Enjoyed reading :)

Scholarship / NTU Scholarship Essay - "My father, the one whom I look up to." [6]


....and he did stick to the same company.


[i]When handling customers, he was very concerned about his integrity and tried to stay truthful by recommending only the quality products in the market.[/i]


....our family faced a disaster; a close friend of my father betrayed him and put our his career into deep trouble.
Interesting essay :)
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / My friend Roberto & his sense of humor; DESCRIBE A PERSON [3]


I'm so lucky to have a friend like him!


... hey.. ... you say he is tall in the first sentence and in the second you say his height is average. These two sentences are contradictory, Hope you got my point!


What's more? Oh... he's wearing two rings; one in the ear and other in nose. .... interesting guy :)

Scholarship / My friends call me Android;UWC Scholarship(Pakistan);PS-Goals, motivations, ambitions [2]


Android! That's how my friends most often call me.


It was sort of a nick name for me that they often laughed at my expense over my corrupt programming. ... what do you mean by "corrupt programming"? .... I'm not clear :(


This is too long and hence clarity is disturbed. Don't write lengthy sentences that makes reader tired of remembering details. I wish you rephrase this one :)


... I wish you express your ideas in a simple, yet interesting manner :)

Graduate / I'm determined and focused; MOTIVATION LETTER- Advanced Systems&Robotics(MASTERS) [3]


This sounds confusing. In fact this sentence is pretty too long and hence disturb your flow. Hope you rephrase this :)



As I progressed in the pursuit of my university career,

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) People in the past used to be more dependent on one another [7]


In this sentence, I don't see any relevance to you topic :(
Your first task in the introduction is to introduce the topic to the reader. So begin with a strong sentence that is well aligned with your topic. My suggestion;

In today's dynamic world, some believe that people are less dependent on one another in contrast to the people of older generations. .... this is enough to introduce your topic.


Hey.... you are going out of track. What you need to agree with or not is that people today are more independent.

Scholarship / Great challenges & Many experiences; Study plan in china (SCHOLARSHIP FOR MASTERS) [2]


I was twelve years old when I first laid my hands on a computer.


.... all this is irrelevant. They know all these and would feel bored reading known facts. They are interested in knowing about you and you need to talk about yourself.

This is what I suggest (after the first line I suggested above);
Since that moment, my attachment towards computers grew intensely and I dreamed of becoming some important person in the field of computers.
Now connect these to your second para;

Scholarship / MS in Energy Operational Management +engergy business related curriculum [4]


don't get you :( .... where is it?

Writing Feedback / With more money, schools will construct a better stadium, where students will exercise more often [3]


This is your introduction and it contains just one sentence. Naturally, this sentence is too long. If you split it, your ideas would flow much better !

I am of the view that sports and other activities should receive equal attention and support, just the way it is given to improve academic aspects such as the classes and libraries. That would help them produce sound and well rounded students who excel not only in academics but in other life encounters as well.


It is more than one's capabilities in sports.... Through sports they learn lots of life skills and lessons. You better mention about that.

Writing Feedback / An occasion when it was necessary to tell the truth whatever the consequences. [2]

Good editing by kurianjoseph, as always :)


.... you first worry about exam and then results :D


I only needed to brush up what I learned and the areas I had some doubts.




So I did assume that he wrote something on his hand in hope of copying the same at the exam.


So I took a bold step; went to Mrs Chua and told her everything I saw about this suspicious act.



This sentence is too long.... It flows better if you split it ;
From then onward, I knew I was going to lose my best friend who would never forgive me for putting him in trouble. However, my heart told me that I did the right thing for sake of saving him from wrong behavior. He may not understand it now, but in the long run he would realize why I acted so.

Scholarship / Confidence, Faith & Determination; COURAGE TO GROW SCHOLARSHIP- Why me? [3]

Well.... I think you must first pay attention to the flow of ideas in your essay. They seem to be scattered here and there and do not flow logically. If you want to show them tht you have confidence, faith and determination tell them through real life events. Tell them about such incidents that you did not loose your heart and fought back. You can tell about the hardships of your ancestors, but those stories need to have some relevance to your story. For example;


So tell those problems in a more descriptive manner so that they would understand your problems.
Avoid making statements without proof... It's good to talk through real life experiences, incidents etc.

Undergraduate / My interests do not match up with those of my peers; Transfer Reasons/Objectives [4]


While it is true such battles are an exciting experience,


as I don't share the same passion as they do. ... I feel it is implied since you mentioned about it in the earlier sentence


This is a good comment by Aldo... I wish you pay attention to this point :)
Overall, I find this is a good essay and you sound very genuine with your reasoning. However, make sure that they (selectors) don't feel that you are more inclined towards theory and not practicals :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task2; TV programmes are transmitted throughout the day and night [6]


... Throughout your essay,you begin sentences with simple letters. It's a bad habit for essay writing and not so applealing for us to read and provide you with comments :(


Well... you hold the view that 24 hour service is bad. So, it's better you begin giving reasons for your opinion and not the reverse side.

If you wish to discuss both sides and have a balanced view, then state it so in the introduction;
Personally, I beleive that 24 hour transmissions can have both positive and negative effects on people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Single Career or Multi Career? More Careers are more beneficial! [4]


new skills


.... wish you present this slighlty differently;
They help earn more money than a single career.




Here, I find less alignment with your topic. Actually you try to show "learning" as an advantage of multicareer, but it is not explicitly conveyed.

Overall, you display excellent writing skills :)

Graduate / "You can do anything you set your mind to" is my motto; MSc Automation&IT (SOP) [3]


This sounds a bit too overdone... I feel you better re-phrase this or leave it behind.



I like if you started this para with this sentence. You should not sound like making statements. Instead you should tell about you through your experiences ... that's more convincing and interesting.


Again, I feel you better talk about some experience or achievement to show that this is your motto....
I hope you get what I'm trying to say :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Nowadays, people put too much emphasis on personal appearances and fashions [3]


Hiding themselves by wearing masks can be unpleasant. But, they wear pleasant masks for that purpose :D ... Hope you got my point :)


Sounds a little confusing. You need to keep the alignment with the topic always.... This is what I suggest;
Nowadays, people pay too much attention on their appearance because it contributes a lot for having them accepted by the society.


In my opinion, this trend is influenced by several reasons such as the role played by media, technological advancement and discriminatory feelings.


People have the tendency to follow the fasions demonstrated by the celebrities.

Scholarship / We are scared of something; Hispanic Scholarship - Academic challenge [2]


... If you change the order, this would read better with more clarity;
It's a fact that we all are scared of something.


With me, this great fear is for math.


I think you need to simplify the presentation.... too much complicated words gives a crowded look for your sentence. The most important thing is that you convey your idea crystal clear to the reader.

I cannot deny that I suffered severely with this childish math phobia.


Don't repeat the same idea too much.... Now tell the reader how you recovered :)

Research Papers / The Spouse is Not Forgotten; Bipolar Disorder - Research Paper [2]


.... "while" is repeated / also I dont get your idea in the highlighted part (sounds a bit too technical for me )
I guess it is better to split this sentence in order to improve its clarity;
It is estimated that nearly two million Americans suffer from bipolar disorder. While there is much focus placed on these individuals with research studies being carried out extensively, their spouses just go unnoticed although they too suffer alongside with them.



This sounds confusing to the reader. Is this person your husband? I feel you better re-phrase this line

Writing Feedback / Had classroom teacher become less important with the increase use of internet? [6]


This does not sound strong enough for your opening sentence. It is not so strong as an idea too because it is not only today but even in the past, education meant a lot for the people. Try to align every sentence with your prompt. It talks about the classroom teacher and internet. So, begin your para with some idea that is directly related to this issue;

The introduction of the Internet has brought many changes to the way that education is delivered to the students in a classroom.
Now you can tell how it was traditionally been undertaken by the teachers and how the internet replaces certain functionality of them.


I think this is an unfair statement. Even today you find time passing guys in classrooms who just waste time on internet playing games and chatting on fb. I guess you need to come up with a more constructive argument.

Writing Feedback / Education plays a pivotal role; Children learn how to be good members of society [4]


I agree with Tessy... :)


... well , this is a fact, not a belief.... I guess children spend eight hours in school :) So you should present it a little differently;
To begin with, some argue that children are mostly influenced by the school since they spend the most active eight hours of their day in school.


According to them, this reason makes the school a very influential community for the children where their behavior and thinking get heavily influenced by their peers and teachers.


I think here you better talk about the closeness and family bonds rather than the time they spend, because you used the same argument in the other reasoning too;

On the other hand, those who perceive that children bear the primary responsibility of making their children good members of society believe that the bondage between and parents and children is much more stronger than any other relationship. Therefore, children are more likely to listen to their parents and follow their advices.

Scholarship / "Life is calling. How far will you go?"; NHSC Scholarship-Underserved population [5]


I knew this is my call; devoting two years to an underserved population while broadening my perspectives, cultural awareness and linguistic skills. ... I made an attempt to align this line with your opening :)


teaching them as much as I possibly could for them to lead healthier lives.

Good Job... Enjoyed reading :)
Good luck!

Writing Feedback / The pie chart shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive [2]


.... actually, the graph presents factor that make the land less productive, in other words less fertile.


Generally, in the introduction you give a grand picture of what it presents. Here you do not have to be very specific with figures. So, here you can be without percentages :)


The rest is 7% :D
This is very good writing. I guess you are ready to take up the task :)
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "I'm a young female mogul before I'm an artist", Nicki Minaj; Person with influence [5]


I prefer "encourage" to "preach" :)
Very impressive beginning :)... I like the way you have introduced her.


Yep... Rose is right. You need to talk about her, but the emphasis should be more on how she inspired you. For example, take this line;


You can use it to tell them when this quote affected one of your decisions or how it helped you to recover from a trauma.... Have yourself in the middle and talk about her through your experiences.

You display excellent writing skills and I'm sure you can improve this to a great essay :)
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / IETLS GT writing task 1 - Complaint to a restaurant [2]


Well, this sounds too rigid. Generally you need to show some politeness even if you are going to inform something bad. It's better you do not thrash out at the very beginning, but slowly :D. This is my suggestion;

I am xxxxx, the manager of Hongkong Tourism Development Department that holds its regular monthly staff meetings at your restaurent. My purpose of writing this letter to bring your attention on a bad experience we had at your restaurent when our staff met there on the (date).


This is not in line with your prompt. You prompt indicates it's a regular official meeting and that indirectly implies that there would be more than just two people. Carefully read the prompt and aling your writing as much as with it.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) An ambition is positive or negative? [2]



My suggestion;
An ambition creates a vision for us that keeps us guiding in the right path unitl we realize our dream.


... yes of course :)
You have beautifully presented the topic.... Very good introduction :)


Keep it simple, too much complication is not good :)




Good essay... you have very good ideas. I enjoyed reading this :)

Writing Feedback / Which is better - working at office or from home? [3]


.... Write in present tense as this is a current argument.


... you cannot have "although" and "but " both :(
Also this sentence is poorly constructed. It has many issues; grammar, inappropriate vocabulary, clarity etc. Try to write short sentences and have one idea per sentence. That helps you to improve clarity and a smooth flow of your ideas. This is my suggestion;

There is no doubt that working from home has many benefits in terms of comfort, flexibility and convenience. However, in my view, woriking in an office environment is the best for professionals.


You need to pay lots of attention to grammar, vocabulary and sentence construction. My advice is to read good essays you find here. They help you grab some sentence structures. :)

Keep posting your essays and we would help you to improve :)

Letters / Modern Coummunication/ Semina on IPTV; letter of recommendation [3]


It is with pleasure that I write this letter of recommendation for Ms Ameesha Patil whom I have known since ???? in the capacity of her professor during her undergraduate years.

Tell more details about your interactions with her in the proceeding sentences.


She attended the classes that I conducted on Microprocessor based system Design and Modern Communications and showed a great committment, enthusiasm and keen interest in those subjects. I was particularly impressed with her positive attitude and excellent time management skills.