Undergraduate / MAJOR Career Change - UW Tacoma Transfer Personal Statement [5]


My parents practically lived with me in the hospital for almost an year. .... I think it is implied that your parents were there with your throughout your illness.


.... I think the part I highlighted makes the reader bit confused. Also you don't have to be that descriptive as well. You need to tell the points that can add value to your essay. This is what I suggest;

However, we all have been very fortunate because the doctors discovered my condition before it was not too late. I was cured completely. However, I became aware of this sickness only when my parents told me about it years later. Then this story made a tremendous impact on shaping my personality in a positive way. I began to strive hard to be the best person I could possibly be and make the most out of everyday.

Writing Feedback / Graph: Different levels of education in developing and developed nations. [7]

Alright... now it makes sense :)


You are submitting a report .... so specify what those levels are.... they are your observations. Also include an overall picture of the graph in your introductory statement;

The bar charts illustrate the number of girls per 100 boys enrolled in the three levels of school education such as primary, secondary and tertiary levels in both developing and developed countries in the years of 1990 and 1998.


The target line is set for 100 girls for both underdeveloped and developed countries for the years of 1990 and 1998.


In case of primary education for both 1990 and 1998, there is no clear difference of the number of girls enrolled with schools in both developing and developed nations. However, according to these statistics the actual number of girls enrolled with schools lie below the target for the years under review.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-News is a source of knowledge about the world. How much we trust the journalist [3]


well... I think the main role of news is to build awareness. Wisdom is something to do with knowledge gained through experience. Therefore it does not seem to be appropriate for this sentence.



.... this is my suggestion;
This essay is focused on discussing how much can we trust the journalists and what are the qualities of a good journalist.


.... Ok... in my view the journalists are more concerned about making their new items very sensational to the reader. Therefore their reporting sometimes fail to reflect the actual situation. There are many incidents that get colored up by the journalists before they go to the public.

Letters / I can have wonderful time to work with children; Cover letter- teacher assistant post [4]


.... Ok .... you show your enthusiasm in working as an English Teacher Assistant. So what are your credentials, background and work experiences to claim that you are suitable for this position? You need to talk about them first and then talk about why you like this post. The most important fact here is you should be able to convince them that you are the most suitable candidate. In that sense, they would first look at your qualifications and background to evaluate whether you can handle the job. So talk about your qualifications, experience first.

Letters / My profess. goal is to be a foremost lecturer and researcher in the field of Electrical Engineering [5]



This sentence is too long and you better break it up. When your sentences are too long, the reader finds it difficult to memorize details you keep on telling. So your flow would be disturbed by lengthy sentences;

However I am capable of managing time to handle several different tasks parall without getting distracted. For example, I was involved with membership in three student organizations last year. However, at the same time I was able to secure a distinction grade (89%) and the rank of 12th out of 307 students.

You can support your arguments, claims and reasons with examples. That would have more effect in convincing the reader. :)

Undergraduate / The not so straight path - University of Washington - Transfer Personal Statement [4]


Every child at some point in their childhood, is told why he or she needs to do study well. Though the parents have various reasons for persuading their children to study, all of them share the same intention; They all simply want their child to succeed in life.


However, not all children take their parents advice seriously. I was one of them. I remember getting annoyed with my mother when she pulled me for not doing well in school.


Instead I was more interested in enjoying my teen years with peers. However, I had to pay the price for my wrong attitude when the senior year reached; I had to struggle to graduate.

Graduate / Health issues can be managed if proper actions are taken; SOP/ Public Health [3]



I graduated in Medicine and Surgery from Liaoning Medical University, China due to the fact that there were limited opportunities in my country for pursuing medicine for tertiary education


I think this part does not add much value for your SOP. You can either leave it out or restrict to talk about you only;

However much difficult the task had been, I did not want sacrifice my passion for medicine and finally took up the challenge in studying medicine in China.

Writing Feedback / Graph: Water cycle - the continuous movement of water on, above and below (IELTS) [3]



.... this is not wrong. However, shorter the sentence easier to understand and clearer the idea you try to convey;
In the first stage, the beams of sun makes sea water evaporated to the atmosphere. This evaporation contributes to 80% of the total water vapor in the air that eventually form clouds containing water vapor.


In absence of sun beams, the water vapor cools down and becomes heavier. This results in rain fall.

Writing Feedback / Graph: Different levels of education in developing and developed nations. [7]

Hi Tessy,
Why don't you upload your graph? It's easy for others to comment when they see the graph :)


.... it's good to keep tense in simple present for this type of report writing


.... there is some issue with this line, but I cannot really comment without having access to your graph... Anyway I feel the latter part should be taken into a new sentence.


what you've written has a grammar issue;
During the same period, the developed countries too had similar trend and statistics just reached the targeted figures.
I guess I provided you with reasonable comments without seeing the graphs :) Try to upload them so that I can have another look :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - One year break after highschool to university studies [2]


....wow ... great start as always :)


.... It's better you take the latter part to the next sentence.


what is this reason? There's no reference previously so this sounds ambiguous.

I don't say that you do not support your reasons with examples. But I wish they have more specific nature rather than general. I guess that helps you earn more marks. However, you have great writing skills and can easily go for a real good band :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS essay) violent t.v reports to be banned? [4]

Hi Tessy :)


.... you haven't mentioned anything about violent news in the previous sentence. So, this does not refer to anything. Good Intro anyway :)


...very good, very well presented. :)


... here, "have" refers to " calamities and terrorism"


.... you better align your conclusion with the topic. This alignment is very important for the start (i.e. introduction) and the end (conclusion)
Good Essay and I think now your more than ready for the task ;)

Undergraduate / Reading Interests; Hackers and painters; Waterloo AIF [3]


Let's give a try :D


.... I feel this is already implied if you begin with that punctuation. I haven't read this book. So if by chance those are his words, I mean "opens a door for me", then you can put it this way;

"Hackers & Painters" opens a door for me, says its author, Paul Graham, the well-known programmer and venture capitalist.



It highlights that good software needs both creative ideas and solid skills.



It makes me realize that efficiency differs among different languages and I should not confine myself to one particular language. Instead I should learn new languages to broaden my perspectives.

Writing Feedback / Mao Zedong might be a hero in China's history, but his actions devastated the country [3]

I read your essay in full and must say you have excellent writing skills. I couldn't find any mistake in the whole essay. However, I make a few comments below thinking they would help you further improve this, but what you've written already is excellent. :)



... this is fine, but I suggest "as" in place of "when" because they grew carrying hatred within them.


.... you use the words of "teacher"and "teaching" frequently within close intervals. So I suggest the following for this line;
If these teachers had been questioned for their act of passing such unethical and damaging message, there would have not been so much hatred towards Jews.

Also I'm going to make your essay a FEATURED one so that more people read this and provide you with comments. I think it is worth for the other members also to read your essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Design of newly constructed buildings in big cities controlled by government [4]


... pay attention to the corrections I made... It's good to keep them in plural form. However, I dont find this as a very good opening statement as it sounds irrelevant to me. I always advise to keep a good alignment with your topic through out your essay. That would earn you lots of marks.

My suggestion;
The big cities getting more and more crowded with constructions of new buildings is a common fact. ...now you can link the government part with this :)

Undergraduate / WHY Software Engineering? Goals - Waterloo AIF [2]


From a very tender age, I used to play math games with my grandfather who is a math professor and a great inspiration in my life. Eventually, I developed a great passion for math.



However, my interest in mathematics got captivated by computer at a latter stage.


I have an exposure over 28 months with Pascal.

Undergraduate / curiosity and passion ; Motivation and Leadership [3]


.... there are two things and hence you need the plural version.
My suggestion;
In fact it is this thrill of solving problems and experimenting with their results that drove me towards success.


These personality traits of mine, passion for analysing and solving problems, exploring new applications, curious mindset etc., shaped my leadership style to be analytical, innovative and adventurous.

Undergraduate / I have learned to be optimistic and resolute [3]

It's good to have your prompt so that we can align our comments with that. Next time you make a post please provide the prompt together with your essay :)


.... interesting to know :)


Why do you suddenly go back to past ? This gives a sudden abrupt feeling to the reader. I feel you should start a new para with this line and tell the readers about your childhood hardships.


.... Bravo... you are really great and you have presented this part. Yes, you should put all this into a new para.

Undergraduate / INFLUENCE OF MY PARENTS; U Central Florida- One faces the future with one's past [4]



.... well, I feel the first line does not really add much value to your answer at this juncture. This is my suggestion;
My parents went through enormous hardships in their pursuit of success which they eventually achieved through perseverance and hardworking. Their struggles influenced shaping my character and my value system.



.... close knit implies everything :)

Scholarship / i want to be an economic expert--> for my Korean Scholarship (KGSP) [2]


....well what you have written has a grammar issue. You can say it;
I want be an expert in economics OR I want to develop my expertise in economics.
This is my suggestion;
My goal is to pursue a masters program in economics major, the discipline in which I wish to gain my expertise.


... this really does not fit in here. How living in Indonesia and being proud about it helps your masters? You need this sentence to set up a link with your previous and next lines.



... Present this as a general fact and not as one of your opinions.

Undergraduate / I did not have a proper direction; Common App 250-500 word essay. [3]

I wish you had posted the prompt so that we can provide you with more relevant comments.


I feel you better shorten this sentence by breaking it up to two or three. Its length makes the reader a bit uncomfortable and disturbs your flow.


Very good writing. Awesome presentation too. Good Luck with your application!

Writing Feedback / Where Children Should Grow Up; ENGLISH WRITING [3]


... Break this line for two sentences as they are two ideas;
Today, many families move to the city from the country looking for new opportunities. However, some of them claim that it is not an appropriate option for upbringing their children.


In my view, I too think that children should be brought up in the countryside.


... This is the first line of your first body para. In your introduction you spoke in favor of bringing up children in the countryside. So you need to tell this with some reference to what you said above otherwise it may sound a bit abrupt;

Although the opponents claim that rural areas offer less facilities for children in respect of education, the Internet has come in aid to fill this gap.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Worldwide rubbish problem; Causes and Measures [3]


Interesting writing style. Good intro :)



How about this?
we still have the opportunity to make efforts to educate ourselves and others. .... we should try to educate others as well and since you are supposed to talk about measures to arrest this problem,you need answer with a global perspective

Ok... I can see you have excellent writing skills. So you can easily aim at a very good band. Now you need to pay attention to the essay structure. They expect you to write at least four paras including introduction, 2 body paras and conclusion.

Post your other practice essay to this forum and we'll provide you with comments :)

Undergraduate / Explore my passion for science in depth; Transfer Essay [3]


.... sounds better without "though"
Recently I've began to see things from a whole different perspective.
Very good introductory para... You have written it well



... this is not bad... however, following is my suggestion;
amongst a student body that is seriously committed to learn.

In my view, you have presented a very good answer. I wish if you posted the prompt so that our comments would have been more aligned with it.

However, good job & good luck!

Graduate / Motivation letter for masters in networks and communication - required [3]


I feel "background" is a better key word that contains everything to do with your academics such as performance, achievements, credentials etc.etc. :)


I graduated my Bachelor course with a First class distinction and secured a place among the top 4% in the batch


My suggestion;
Learning is a continuous and never ending process and with this high dynamismrapid advancement in the field of communication one shall always thrive to know more


Over the past two years I got involved with wireless communication domain.

Writing Feedback / About the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972 to 1983 [7]

Well... I provided you with my comments on the other essay in the new thread and hope it is helpful :)

Ok... now that you uploaded the table and it provides a good idea as to what you should write for your answer. :)


.... In statistical presentations, especially you deal with tables "spread" is a commonly used key word. With graphs you use the key words "trend", "pattern" and "distribution" more. With pie charts "distribution" is a more commonly used key word :)


A sharp increase in every consumer durable can be observed from 1972 to 1983.... In this type of task, you may use passive tense extensively. Also you have to write to the point and should avoid many details.


Avoid writing long sentences like this. Since you are talking with figures it is very difficult to keep memorizing your figures :)
Central heating records the highest growth in consumer durables ownership while TVs and Vacuum cleaners show the lowest growth of 5% during the period of review.

Writing Feedback / Promoting healthy psychological growth of students should be set up in high schooL? [2]


.... ever heightening


.... this is too long :( Try and write shorter and interesting sentences.


... that's exactly you asked to do by the prompt and hence no need for repeating :)


what is the primary reason? not very clear and better think of rephrasing :)


another very long one... when you write lengthy sentences the reader needs to keep memorizing the details you said at early part of the sentence. He wouldn't like it. Also you also tend to loose trac

Undergraduate / DAD/ PEY Program; Chemical Eng-UToronto;INSPIRE/EXTRACURRICULAR [5]


I feel this is pretty long :)
My interest in the field flourished in xxxxx (specify a period such as high school, sophomore year etc.) after I discovered my aptitude in sciences and mathematics together with my enthusiasm for applications of physics and chemistry.


So I decided to pursue an (???- write your major) engineering career that allows me to influence the environment and urban landscape direct in hope of making a positive change in world.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Television news shows many scenes disasters and violence.Effects on individuals [2]



... your prompt does not suggest that this is a debatable issue. It asks your opinion about possible effects of this scenario to the society. Always keep alignment with your topic. My suggestion;

However, they include many disastrous and violent video clips that can have a great impact to the society as well as individuals. .... now this statement is aligned with your prompt :)

... why not support this idea with a specific example such as recent killings in the USA by a student. Your examples would earn points :)

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: CHILHOOD'S THE THE HAPPIEST TIME OF ONE'S LIFE [3]


I am agreeable/ I agree



... as it is it sounds meaningless :(
Children are in a state of mind to enjoy their day because they are free from responsibilities, challenges and the severe competition of adult life.


This line is very confusing :( Cannot understand what you mean and I suggest you to rephrase it again.

Undergraduate / ACCOUNTING/ STUDY @ WATERLOO AIF; Additional Information -My Self Description [4]


.... plural sounds better :)


I have more interest in materials that are tangible, yet it does not mean I completely ignore intangible and irrelevant information. However, my enthusiasm lies with the practicality of what I learn.


After discovering that accounting is the discipline for me to pursue, I wanted to avoid studying the boring and irrelevant subjects.

Undergraduate / MAJOR Career Change - UW Tacoma Transfer Personal Statement [5]

"Keomp Yu Teoga, Milae" , meaning "computers are the future" in English, still echo in my ears. These were very frequent words of my uncle Yo Jin, who was a computer engineer by profession and the person who introduced me to computers when I was at my tender age of six.


With my uncle's profound influence I too gradually developed a strong passion for computers.


... the part in bold letters sound a bit confusing.... do you meant that your family kept shuttling between Korea and the US? Also I think you need to give more focus on your health condition and better have more emphasis about that in the sentence.

Undergraduate / Evaluation of SOP for MS in Computer Science [2]


... "my career" sounds slight repetition. Well, I suggest;
These words have always inspired me and guided me to frame my targets and reach the goals of my career. ... I just left it at the level of "my career" without referring to a particular time period.


.... I think you should condense this to one sentence; yep... I feel it is better that way;
Further, I am very grateful to my parents' continuous support and guidance that helped me accomplish the goals I have set forth.
However, up to this point you have not told them what your goals are. I feel it is better to mention them at the beginning itself so that selectors' minds would be set to follow your writing as to judge how you are going to pursue your goals.

Writing Feedback / The role of fathers in children's upbringing. [3]

Your introduction covers just half of the topic. You should introduce your topic to the reader in full. You have not discussed that fatherhood should be emphasized as much as the motherhood. So, you need to talk about the modern scenario too. And you should tell us what you believe.


.... condition has/ conditions have


... "has" refers to the "structure"
However, I do not get a clear idea from this sentence. I think you better re-phrase this line to give a better meaning.
You begin this para with a very good sentence telling the reader that modern families live under different socioeconomic conditions. So you should build your argument upon this point. Contrast the life-styles and requirements of modern and old families. Then tell how difficult for one person to fulfill all family requirements. You can have a great para with this argument and convince your examiner with very good examples.

Research Papers / Essay expressing your desire to continue your eduation. [4]


Two years ago my family migrated from Vietnam to the US and I began to take up challenges of my sophomore year in high school. It was the first time I was introduced to English language and the American education system. Totally unprepared and lost in communication, my GPA suffered a lot, despite my natural skills in mathematics and science. To add on to my dismay, my parents too struggled finding employment.


I made a great effort learning English and attended the ESOL class twice a week at the church near my home.

Writing Feedback / television shows many foreign - made programmes harmful or not ???? [2]


This sentence is too long and your idea does not flow clearly. I also notice you have the tendency to go out of topic. Introduction should be used to introduce your topic to the reader very briefly and also to state your opinion about the argument. So it is very important to keep your alignment with the topic.


These information does not contribute anything to your topic. Write sentences that give sense to your topic, both directly and indirectly.

Writing Feedback / About the consumer durables owned in Britain from 1972 to 1983 [7]


Sure I can certainly attend to your essay.... but, as per the forum rules, you need to do a new post for this essay. Please do another one with the prompt.I'm awaiting to help you :)

Undergraduate / Fuel behind Fire; Howard University transfer essay-Strengths, weaknesses & motivation [2]


As a kid I thought my life filled with happy moments of a perfect family; a life with my happily wedded parents and two adorable siblings. I could never imagined that our family would face a bitter parental divorce; My father being a double standard person, had another family on sly. This news was heartbreaking, depressing and alarming. I practically could not handle this emotional turbulence for a while. I felt sad, betrayed, angry and helpless all at the same time.


... I dont get the idea you are trying to express :(

Undergraduate / Chartered Accountant - Schulich School-Business Admin [9]


I think you should start with this line. It's gives a better entrance to your essay.


After this you can have your first sentence and then proceed.


Schulich School of Business would enable me to pursue my goal by allowing the flexibility of ten specializations to accommodate my career aspirations in case of there would be any changes.

Undergraduate / I am interested in people,new cultues & new things; Rutgers U- Vibrant community [2]




This is the reason for my schooling in New Jersey where my uncle lives so that he can looks after me.


This over protection and loosing my independence actually annoys me at times and made me seriously look forward to choosing a school that helps me be independent while offering me a more divers exposure.


Rutgers is a perfect realization of that diversity and a place where I can stretch out my wings.

Undergraduate / My father suffered from strokes; Why nursing as my profession? Short /Long term goals [3]

I think you can write really well. I didn't come across any grammar or presentation error to highlight except the following sentence which I guess a typo;


However, I have this feeling which I must tell you. You talk about changing your major, which had been finance. Well... finance and healthcare are two disciplines that have very little or no correlation at all. So you need to provide them with sufficient information that you are equipped with whatever basic or prior knowledge to start up with the new major. That part is missing. You talk about how your passion for nursing was nurtured. But they may not be satisfied with your passion alone. Talk about your involvements with nursing projects or courses you followed to get into this new stream. "Research on nursing profession" too sounds pretty vague. What did you find our about nursing? What efforts have you made to get into this field?