Graduate / MS in Advanced computing science: Statement of purpose (non-native speaker). [4]

What is going on with this part:
Over the past three years, after graduating, I further developed my interest in computer programming and computing science as well.
software written by
That seems like an error, but I want to tell you that the beginning is very nice. You have a good way of introducing it, and you explain with confidence and eloquence.

The last 3 sentences also are very powerful. I think you have a successful essay here, very persuasive.

Undergraduate / My family and a big cat - my environment [3]

Thanks for doing this edit, Nicole. You are cool.
Jack, use paragraphs so that the reader can enjoy bite-sized portions of your writing!

This is a very exciting story, but I hope you can take it one idea at a time. Write a paragraph to get the reader into the scene so the reader can understand what kind of story it is. Then, write a paragraph all about sneaking to look for food. Then write a paragraph about the cat.

Sometimes at the end of a paragraph it is good to add a sentence that will help to make sure the reader understands what you mean.

:-)

Undergraduate / An inscription to help a person I may be sharing an abode with know me better [3]

This is good writing, good enough that it can get away with not focusing much on your goals. As a general rule I encourage people to get so focused on their goals that mention of them creeps into every essay, but this essay is a demonstration of inspiration, like much of your writing.

The only part I would maybe change is the ending...
Although they were beginning to overwhelm me, at that moment and now, the reason I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me. ----- this is a sentence I had to read a few times!

Actually... I think all of this can be chopped and replaced:
I am delighted with all ... I complete these tasks-I enjoy them and the products of my labor-invigorates me. Redo that ending! I think maybe at the end you should indeed focus on what psych you are studying. I was just reading about rational emotive behavior therapy, something you might like. End it with some mention of your goals and your specific current interests related to your field.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a rational thinker" - Biographical Essay. [5]


Good sentence. I am impressed... This first para is nicely executed.

The last para has a sentence that needs some help:
I couldn't help but ask myself, "Could this be the right job for me?"

also:
I still have not answered that question, but it can wait; science has unanswered questions, so why not this one too?

Very good, this is one of my favorites.

Graduate / M.S of Geophysics-Seismology at Institute of Geophysics, TRANSFER STUDENT APPLICATION [7]

This is an excellent thread. Mark did something great for your letter, Amir. I hope you have good luck with it, and continue to participate here. We need bilingual contributors to help other bilingual writers as they learn.

Do not write "I will be appreciated," because that means they will appreciate you. You might have meant "It will be appreciated if..."

but I think Mark's way is best.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay : There is nothing that an uneducated person can teach educated person. [2]

That's okay Wipu. You probably can still learn some great things by practicing with Mark's advice.

When you are ready to post a different essay, we'll see if you still have errors. If it's a new version of this essay, please post it to this thread. I hope we can help you get ready to ace the toefl.

Undergraduate / "being the outsider" - Essay about diversity [3]

Cool! I like this topic.
Capitalize your clique: By way of this jumping from group to group I have discovered myself in a clique of my own, the Everything Clique.

or if that does not seem right, at least hyphenate it. ...the everything-clique

Hey, you did not mention that theme anymore. You have to refer to the everything-clique at least one more time in the essay. It is a good theme.

I wonder if you can see the different "types" of people as phases rather than types-of-people. Like, I might be all of those people at one time or another, or all of those people might have common elements in different proportions. (It doesn't matter what I mean; just giving you my feedback that comes to mind!)

Writing Feedback / WESTERN CULTURE AND ITS INFLUENCE ON OTHER PARTS OF THE WORLD [3]

Predominantly, westerners colonize (you cannot colonize a mentality)...
...Western culture influences the mentality of all people across the globe, which creates a kind of unity in diversity. --- this is an interesting concept... unity in diversity.

Such a global phenomenon transforms a unique and ideal culture to a one-size-fits-all melting pot of identity with superiority of W western ideas seeming superior. I believe this creates more havoc and dilemmas rather than bringing unity and common identity.

The craze and fascination with a more liberal lifestyle and carefree attitude propelled by westerners fosters an ugly habit of colonial mentality (you cannot have a habit of colonial mentality. You have to revise this so that it is simple and clear. I don't know how to fix it... )

A century passes by, and Filipinos forget even kissing of hands, greeting of elders, and helping of others since books, movies, and television shows tolerate such violence and disrespect.

Thanks for helping me to better understand the way people in some parts of the world view westerners! It is our liberal and carefree attitude that causes us to tolerate television programs and other entertainment that portrays undesirable behaviors... so, people from some parts of the world do not feel the same way westerners do about free expression. That means you probably feel like censorship should be used, I guess. That is understandable, I think.

Writing Feedback / TOURIST DESTINATION: Tourism has negative effect on certain destinations. [4]

Choose singular or plural:
Being a responsible citizen, I am bound to preserve the natural bounty beauty for the next generation to savor.
or
Being responsible citizens, we are bound to preserve the natural bounty beauty for the next generation to savor.

Walter, a great term for you to use in this essay is "eco-tourism." Google that if you are interested. :-)

Writing Feedback / HUNGER AND INSURGENCE: IELTS TASK 2 [3]

leaps and bounds

I feel like a sentence is missing from that first paragraph. It'll be great to add one more sentence to that paragraph to specify what, precisely, you want to say.

Do not use 'though' and also 'however.' Just use one:
Though developed countries gear themselves to a futuristic and comfortable lifestyle, Third World Countries cannot...

And one more correction:
The nation could hire some experts in the field of science to find ways on how to use technology to eradicate perennial hunger concerns and promote peace.

Do not eradicate peace issues; eradicate hunger, and promote peace.

:-)

Essays / Global Undergraduate Exchange Program, how to start this essay? [12]

Well, that prompt has 3 parts, so use a paragraph for each part. You can make this a 'classic five paragraph essay.' There can be an intro, a paragraph for each of these 3 questions, and a conclusion.

Here is a correction for your verbs. I'll put them in the past tense.
I was doubtful about how I should answer. I was speechless. The question in my mind was, "Can I continue my education in college?"

Here is another:
Those successes are because of my persistent efforts, my parents' support, and praying. For that reason, I always had high motivation to study to pursue my dreams.

The illiteracy rate is high, and I have a responsibility to develop my home town. Through my ability, I want to struggle and fulfill that responsibility.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Should share employees a company's profit, not just senior managers. Agree or disagre [4]

It is widely understood that employees represent an indispensable part of a company.

Therefore, it is reasonable to assert that employees rationally deserve to enjoy or share profits in their company.

First, sharing gains fairly with all employees creates an active working environment.

Second, staffs are expected to have a company's profit as a fairess. --- what is fairess? I think you need a different word here.

Say, using awards, money, or promotion to motivate is a simple way; today people hope to receive profits as they want to be acknowledged, in the sense that the company's success are partly achieved by their dedication.

From my point of view, they not only have the right to share profits but also have the right to be provided with more care and welfare from their company.

Practice the correct ways to write these sentences. Practice typing each of them a few times to catch the trick of English grammar.

:-)

Book Reports / Adversity in the Sniper by Liam O Flaherty and how it changes the character [5]

Sorry I did not help in time! But it looks good. I'll give you two corrections:

At a young age I was learned to hate the enemy of my country .

Fix the word "although."

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Artists have the capability of soothing the minds of the people. [3]

Humankind is usually a better word than mankind.

It is encouraging to acknowledge that the people of our society admire the valuable contributions of both science and art without any discrimination.---- your way was not wrong, but that way of using "happy" is a little awkward.

Oh... I see how Mark corrected it, and that is good, too. So... you have two options.

:-)

Undergraduate / all about my self (dream about being a call-center agent) [3]

Here is one more correction... use periods like this:
Mr. and Mrs. Montemayor ...

I am enthusiastic about learning how to speak English very well, and that's why I always sign up wen I saw the site about how to learn the English languge.

Good! I'm glad you signed up for this site!
:-)

Graduate / Nigeria: MS in Information Systems: Statement of Purpose. [4]

I think you can help the reader appreciate this essay if you end the first paragraph after this sentence:
My belief is that the days of advancement will come to Nigeria, if established IT specialists from developed countries educate and reshape the country's technology sector.

Para #2:
A degree from Northwestern will

Let's not use 'toward the end' and also 'one day.' Let's just choose one:
Towards the end of my career, I hope to one day motivate...

:-)

Undergraduate / Intellectually Exiting experience? (started a fundraiser at my school) [4]

Well, the good thing to do is make your essay a unique combination. You are a unique combination, with experience and interests that include an engineering program and charitable fund raising. That is good stuff. Just take the essence of each and look into how they mesh together. You are motivated toward the science of eng. and the art of generosity. Maybe you will get involved with "design activism."

See if you can dig deep and pull out a theme that is as unique as you are. Combine them.

Undergraduate / The teacher, the director, the mentor, and the friend- why I applied to UCF? [7]

Here is a little number agreement problem: I have come a long way in a mere 17 years, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done; a work of art in the making.

Maybe like this:
I have come a long way in a mere 17-year period, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done -- a work of art in the making.

or, actually this is better:
I have come a long way in a merely 17 years, but my development as a person has just started. I am not done -- a work of art in the making.

and I changed your semi-colon to a hyphen. (See Strunk & White)

:-)

use a hyphen here:
self-exploration

I like it! Can you say something more specific here instead of general things?----It is my belief that UCF is the university where I will meet the professors, colleagues, and counselors that will support, motivate, and guide me toward a successful future. ----- this is what you find at any school, but what specific attributes do you think you'll find in this group of people? Make it a unique and astute observation.

Undergraduate / Intellectually Exciting - Kaleidoscopes [3]


When you get to this part, I think you are not doing a good job of introducing the main idea. In a short essay like this it is important to introduce the main idea early so that you can make your point...

So maybe one sentence should be added to the end of that first paragraph.

Meant to engross children, a kaleidoscope is a small tube that contains two mirrors that show incredible patterns as the tube is rotated. --- its not necessary to tell what one is. Use this sentence to tell something the reader might not know about it or some intriguing observation that you have made.

If people learn to broaden their horizons and delve into the such curious subjects, maybe they will learnt to admire the minute wonders that surround us.---- you should write learn instead of learnt.

This is a nice theme. I think you should introduce it at the end of the first paragraph.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt1: "The Greatest Lesson Learned: Determination" [3]


It might become easier and easier! :-)

Well, this has some great description, but I hope you can get more detailed about your outlook for the future... your specific goals and how they REFLECT the insight you gained from these experiences. I think your focus is too much on the description of badminton and not enough reflection on the significance of the insights you gained.

Add a comma:
...I dove for the bird, barely saving it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Innocent Manipulation" (Renée Curry's article Construction of Innocence) [4]

This is a case where I would separate the intro paragraph into two paragraphs and put the thesis statement either at the beginning or end of the second para. Usually I think it should go in the first para, but not in this case. You gave a good, solid intro.

I see that this is a high quality analysis. You don't really make any mistakes with your writing, but here is a fix for your MLA citation:

...both he and Edith James perceive as the truth about Randall Adams" (158 ).

You have a very nice way of writing, but it uses a lot of words. It is limited in quality until you are able to punch the reader with no nonsense sentences. Sentences that have places to be and things to do.

Look here:
Despite her multiple citing of various and varied examples, Curry is quick to state that it takes... This is something you should be able to write in ten words.

It is not necessary to shorten sentences in your writing; your style is great. However, if you are trying to knock out 400 words it is a good time for an exercise in brevity.

I'll try it with a random, long sentence:
It is a At this point that the viewer has been transformed from viewers watching with empty minds void of all damaging preconceived notions is transformed into a detective individual detectives invested in analyzing each new piece of evidence. whether seen or heard. cutting out these details does not reduce quality; it increases it.

:-)

Graduate / "television production" - My most significant decisions influencing my career path. [3]

You can use a colon:
Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to be when I got older: a doctor.
but I still don't like it. You can say physician and it will be better:
Growing up, I always knew what I wanted to be when I got older: a physician.
But still, this is sort of a cliche, because people always say "I have wanted to be XXX since I was very young. Let's think of a cool intro sentence that hints at the main idea of the essay.

Okay, so I think the main focus of this message is on expounding the unique combination that you represent... a combination of entrepreneurial spirit and production/cinematic art.I hope you can cut out some of the unnecessary details, like the whole first para, and condense this to 2/3 the size to make room for more discussion of your specific plans about making documentaries, giving back to the community, and other aspects of your CURRENT career vision.

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my teacher"-does my essay convey this for Common App Short [4]


Move this sentence to the end of the essay and read it; see how you like it that way.

fight with girlfriend. --- missing a word here.

If you move that sentence, I think it will be great! The ideas you express are cool. If soccer is your teacher, though, you must be able to think of a sentence about how it gives you insight about your intended field/career.

Undergraduate / "focus on communication and the arts" - Emerson College Supplement Essay [6]


Nice! Ha ha, you are indeed a writer. Okay, so... what is the deal with the veterinarian thing... what is the main idea of this... that you once wanted to be a vet and now you want to be a writer?

If you want to be a writer, you have to also be other things. The publishing industry is crazy hard to get into, but on the Internet "content is king," and that means people need writers to blog and write articles. You can also use writing skill to be a translator if you learn another language, because you have to be quite a writer to be a translator. You can't learn to be a writer in college; you have to read books by Ursula LeGuin, especially steering the craft. Do you want to write fiction or nonfiction or both?

For this essay, think of one message that you want the reader to remember, and let that be your focus as you write. Take that cool intro and make it so that in your conclusion you can refer back to the vet anecdote as a way of reinforcing or reflecting on your main idea!

What is that message, that main idea? What is the thing you want the reader to notice?
:-)

Grammar, Usage / Referencing: Listing chapter titles in continuous prose [6]

You could just refer to the topics without naming the chapters:
...chapters covering topics that include, amongst others, the weather, the culture and British history.

However, if you want to put the chapter title I am pretty sure " " quotation marks are what you should use:
...chapters, including amongst others: "The Weather," "The Culture," and "British History."
Are those the chapter titles?


So, what do you mean by inverted commas? I think you mean quotation marks. " "

That is what I would do. Does that answer your question?

Undergraduate / "the humanitarian aspects of medicine" - UTexas Statement of Purpose [2]

Individually, I am determined, hopeful, ambitious and grateful.--- I don't like this sentence. Individually does not really signify anything, and the words are meaningless if you just list them... 'show, don't tell.' I think you should scrap this sentence and use a more inspired one. :-)

Of most importance to me in my life at this point is continuous growth, achieving my degree in my academic discipline of choice, nursing, and ultimately building into a strong career where I can utilize my skills, be of service and provide myself with a sustainable life.---- in a sentence as long as this one, you really should eliminate some words if possible. Long sentences are like obese cats: they are just as valid as other cats, but they could stand to lose a few pounds.

Of most importance to me in my life at this point is continuous growth, achieving my degree in my academic discipline of choice, Nursing is most important to me at this point in life, and I am being proactive about my independent study about nursing philosophy and practice while I wait to become a UT student.

ultimately building into a strong career where I can utilize my skills, be of service and provide myself with a sustainable life. --- see, I scratch out this stuff because it does not really have any meaning, any substance. Know what I mean? Each sentence has to say something that is meaningful and not obvious.

I like your last paragraph a lot! I like the specifics. As you revise, tell specific details about your outlook for the future.

My greatest weakness is that I am at times too hard on myself and occasionally fail to recognize the simple successes I achieve day to day.----- I think this sentence is not helpful; you can convey a sense that you are this way without coming right out and saying it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "hoof beats" - TWO COMMON APP SHORT ANSWER ESSAYS [3]

Well, my vote goes to the second one. I like a lot of the sentences and the way the conclusion sentence looks to the future.

The taste of a moment of but this part is awkward.

A moment of freedom and ..

I like your use of swooshing: The wind is swooshing past me, hitting me in my face (no comma necessary here) as I create a perfect, peaceful rhythm...

add a comma here: Later, I slow my horse drown down to a walk, and we take deep even breaths as ...

Undergraduate / Interest, experiences and suitability of engineering - Princeton essay [3]

That, my dear, is the raw definition of engineering. This has potential to make the wrong impression. Oh, I see that name here already said the same thing...

Also... it could express the meaning better. Instead of saying it is the definition of engineering, say something more specific: That process is the art form that appeals to me, compelling me to enter the field of engineering.

This essay must be well written, because it makes me want to get involved with engineering. I think you should revise according to name here's corrections, though. Also, here is a place at the beginning where you need end-quotes" "

The first question questions that came to my mind when I watched the National Geographic documentary of the immense air-bound C-17 was were "How did they do it? How does this thing fly?" A bunch...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Yes, I will move"- significant experience, achievement, risk you've taken (OU Essay) [5]

I came home from school ready to nap because I was drained from the events that took place the night before. --- wow, this is a well-written sentence, a good part of the description of the big picture of the situation...

Give it a comma, though:
I came home from school ready to nap, because I was drained ...

"I'm leaving" she said, very abnormally casual. ---weird! This must have been a tough experience. Hey, do not use abnormally, because it is not a normal situation.

"I'm leaving" she said, very strangely casual.
"I'm leaving" she said, very surprisingly casual.
Actually, she SAID it casually. It has to be an adverb because you are describing what she said.
"I'm leaving" she said with a tone that was strangely casual.

Well, do it whatever way you like!! :-)

Moving to Ohio ultimately became the thing that shifted my lifestyle .
Nevertheless, I can truly say that making the move to Ohio positively impacted my family and me.

Essays / Spanish conquistadors vs native Americans [7]

I usually paste a selection of text into Google and see what comes up. That just helps me to make sure no essays are copied. Sometimes English language learners copy text with the intention to revise it as part of their writing practice, but then they do not paraphrase enough, or they get overwhelmed. But I still have to delete it! :-)

But anyway, google works so well that if I paste one whole sentence into the search box it will find the essay if it already exists...

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Oh, I know what you mean!You have to keep it within the word limit. Well, I think you can add a thesis statement to part of that intro para and divide it in two pieces so that you have one part of it working as a short intro para and the next part will be para #2.

With my enthusiasm for uncharted, arduous experiences as well as my passion for sewing, the University of Texas and its Theatre program represent the novel territory for which my soul now yearns.

As for this thesis... I still think you have the habit of trying to make up for not having much CONTENT by having flowery words. What this sentence above actually says is, "I like new challenges and sewing and theatre, so i want to do the theatre program at UT.

That is not a very powerful thesis. BUT if you write a sentence about a common thread, an underlying principle that is at work in theatre, sewing, and exploration -- then you will hae a unique and intriguing essay.

So... the goal is not to use impressive words like yearn and arduous. The goal is to say something as unique as you are. Share your most interesting observation.

Undergraduate / "experiences with Autism" - UF essay [4]

I accidentally skipped past the main idea the first time I read this. I missed the sentence at the end of the first paragraph, because it seemed to appear all of a sudden. I think it would be good to give one more sentence at the end of that intro para so that you can keep the reader's attention on the idea (i.e. of choosing what you want to do with your life) for a moment longer.

Also:
Becoming a teacher is something I had previously dreamed of. --- I changed the verb tense because you are talking about something that happened in the past and how something else had not happened (even further in the past).

Grammar, Usage / "As opposed to" as apposed to "as apposed to" [3]

This is great. The discussion you have here makes this a useful thread. Well, useful to anyone who cares about oppose and appose.

I was thinking I was never going to be able to use that phrase anymore because if I used appose some people would think I was wrong and if I used oppose some people would think I was wrong. But anyway, I like to use "opposed."

Scholarship / "concept that intellectually excites you" essay; "I have a question" [5]

Ha ha, mine!

Well, there is a rumor that if you experience the sudden change called "spiritual enlightenment" you'll be able to experience yourself as everything collectively rather than as this little individual.

So it's not a question of whose!

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of the Internet for an average person? [5]

This last sentence needs to be managed a little better. It is awkward and unwieldy, like a large box you carry up a narrow staircase.

If people continue to tolerate such dependency and leniency to on these artificial intelligences, then slavery to such robotic entities -- the kind we normally would only see in science fiction movies -- can become a crude reality.

When a sentence has an "extra" phrase, use a set of dashes -- my favorite kind of punctuation -- to keep the sentence organized.

:-)

Undergraduate / Junior Encounter: personal narrative for freshman in college [3]

Memory is something very intriguing. Throughout everyone's lifetime, there must be some fascinating recollections.

When we pick up those little stones of memory and embrace the delightful moments, we don't realize how small memories can shape our lives.

I felt nervous and shy the first time I had to answer those questions.

Other members in the group gave me a lot of encouragement.

I started to talk about my stories and experiences in my hesitant English.---very good sentence!

However, surprisingly, there were lots of comments about me: "Chris, you are so smart and have sense of humor." "Chris, you made my day at that history class." "Chris, thank you for all the help on the math." --- these are also very good! You construct sentences very well in English now. I took out the semi-colons, though.

:-)

Those little details in the school which I could not even remember, but they all did. --- this sentence needs a verb:
Those were little details in the school which I could not even remember, but the other students did.

Use a period to end this:
Chris, you are crazy good at math, of which I am totally jealous"
Chris, you are crazy good at math, of which I am totally jealous. "

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of caring people. How did they influence you? [5]

...my best friends, mentors and role models.---- Right after this sentence I think you should add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph.

Oh, I have to agree with mark about "I had a dream." It is a little overused. I think you could do this:

From the age of nine I had a vision of myself doing work similar to theirs, and it may have been one that seemed insignificant at the time, but if I knew if I could be even half the person that my counselors were for me I would be doing something amazing.

:-)

Undergraduate / Dear Jack (Common Application Essay A) [4]


Thanks for sharing with us this info; I want to get more familiar with the band. This sentence above, though, seems like one you could do a little better. You can express this idea in a more powerful way, and it does not need to involve the obvious statement about it not affecting you physically.

He has inspired me so much, not only knowing he was strong enough to win his battle against cancer, but also through his lyrics that give me a little faith every day. ----This sentence has a problem, too. It is not so good to admire one who can win this battle as though they are stronger than those who die. It will be better if you change this sentence so that it tells the significance of this subject to your intention for applying to college. Make the last sentence of the first para a sentence that tells the reader the message you want her to remember. Otherwise, the essay will be about the band and cancer instead of about your college plans. It should ultimately use the story of the band to support your personal theme, your plan.

:-)

Undergraduate / Gymnastics + a successful elementary teacher: statement of purpose paper. [3]


When I read this first line, it makes me wonder why you are talking about preschool in this essay. I think you will have to do a good job of expressing your meaning, your theme, if you want to discuss preschool instead of high school.

Oh, okay, I take that back. I see that you plan to get into ECE. That is good. But what this essay is missing is an intro paragraph that gets the reader familiar with the idea that you want to talk about your early experiences as an example to show why ECE is important to you. So... add an intro para to the beginning of this!

Also, you might want to cite some authorities in the field of early education, discuss some contemporary topics about instructional methods and classroom management, etc. Show that you have done your research.

Undergraduate / From Venezuela to the USA - A new perspective [3]

I think you have an unnecessary detail that the reader can figure out without your help:
About 8 years ago, my parents decided that my family and I were going to move from Venezuela, our home country, to the United States. ----part of your job as a writer is to cut out all the extra weight from the essay. :-)

I would like to move your however:
We stood strong as a family,however, and moved to the unknown.

Another idea for you:
It has taken time and various experiences for us to realize that there is no single idea that is correct.

Back at home, teachers were strict about handwriting, they taught through theories and definitions, and they tested with comprehensive tests rather than with standardized tests.

You have some great ideas here. I think you just need to add a bit more discussion to the conclusion so that the reader can know what it all means. Tell us the "moral of the story" in the conclusion.