Undergraduate / Truth be told; Stanford/ Future Roommate [4]


... back story? what do you mean?


I too agree... You are more likely to establish a more informal and personal relationship with your roommate. So what matters to him more is knowing about you as a person. So tell him more about you. That would make this essay more interesting too :)

Undergraduate / Versatility in the field of communications; Engaging academically at UPenn [3]


Growing up, I often traveled with my family to different parts of America and China where I had the opportunity to taste authentic foods of diverse cultures that were sold by street vendors.


It was an experience of great adventure that led me step outside my comfort zone in hopes of exploring new worlds and broadening my perspectives.

Essays / Division of America after the Election of Obama [6]


Since this is a research report, I would suggest you to adopt a more formal tone. For example ;
This is evident by ...



I think, may be it's the way you are presenting these ideas that has got the other person to make that comment ; it sounds more like you are talking through your personal attitude on the issue rather than through a careful analysis.(have a look at the bolded part; that sounds too personal) However, I think with a little change in your presentation style, you can get rid of this accusation :D

You speak with facts and therefore don't take that comment very seriously. Change the tone of this essay from personal to official and that would help a lot :)

Writing Feedback / Today television is an important object which help people to connect each other from far places [6]


I guess you can have a more creative opening sentence. In the introduction, first try to introduce the topic to the reader. Then state your opinion. :)


This is a good sentence and you should have started with this :)


men like to gather in a place / men like gathering


... this is very confusing :(

with new technology, people can keep in touch with others even if they live far apart.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY：Joining organizations and clubs is as important as academic class? [2]


debate has been raised/ debates have been raised


This sentence is too long :( You should split it to two.


Personally, I support the view that extracurricular activities are as important as studies in building one's personality and character. The reason is that these activities enable students to experience team work, enhance networking skills, and most importantly to socialize themselves.

Writing Feedback / Experience has ample advantages for people to apply in real life situations [4]


... This is confusing. What's the reason? ... also, it is "elementary knowledge"

This is your introduction. Here what you should do is, you should introduce the topic and then state your opinion. Don't give examples in the introduction. In your body paras you should give reasons and specific examples to support your reasons.

Writing Feedback / Different strengths and weaknesses of men and women, and suitability to work [5]


I dont think this is a part of your essay :P


.... yes, I am on your side :D
I believe that some professions are especially created for a specific gender.


.... Hey.... don't annoy men too much :D
Also, I guess it is better you re-phrase this to give it a more specific presentation rather than one sided general statement : )
To begin with, women are born with more HR skills compared to men and this is the reason they can act as lubricants when there's friction. ... fair enough?

Writing Feedback / IELTS:should both parents go to work or not? [6]


In the past, the man was solely responsible for taking care of his family's finances.


This sounds as a decision taken by men and women for no reason. It's better you give the background for this decision;
However, due to increased competitiveness in the society, both men and women today are compelled to work in order to provide their families with a quality living.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: work on a presentation right away or wait until you have a good idea. [4]

Very good introduction!


I believe that gradual working on the task would be a better approach.


Excellent!.... Strong sentence!


Sounds like you are a banke ;)
Another well written essay! Wish you would become a contributor and join hands with us to help other guys :)

Writing Feedback / Eat at home or at restaurant? Home Food ( IELTS essay) [5]


Good advice by pex! Yes ...."like" makes "enjoy" redundant.


... My suggestion;
People always look forward to experiencing a difference in life in everything they do.


Again the same problem :)
Some people prefer home cooked food while the others love to eat out.


.... This sentence does not add value to your essay. The examiner expects you to do it anyway :)
I think it is a well written introduction without this line :)

Writing Feedback / Do you prefer working at home or at office? Office; TOEFL [5]


... I suggest you to use "scenario" instead of "circumstance".


Make sure you start your sentences with a capital letter, even when you practice.
For instance, there are issues such as low quality, failures of delivering on time, mistakes etc.


reasonable? this appears to be not the most appropriate word :(
As far as I am concerned, people who work in office shows a better productivity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: capital punishment is essential to our society [3]


Great start. I suggest this small alteration ;
Practiced in more than 21 countries around the globe, death penalty is the execution one has to undergo for the capital crimes he has committed.
The word "crime" always goes with the word "commit"


society is more secured if the capital punishment is brought into action
Very good introduction. :)


Awesome!
You write so well. You would surely go for a flying score!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Introducing "Right" or "Wrong" to the children is the responsibility of school? IELTS [4]

Great editing by y0_3mma !


.... this you should keep in present tense because this is a recurrent happening;
They should introduce "what is right " and "what is wrong" to the children in order to prepare them for a successful adult life.

Also, state your opinion in the introduction itself.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers because they are more special than everybody else;TOEFL [8]


.... best teachers.


... you have to explain what is this power. It sounds too ambiguous. :(


The appropriate word for this phenomenon is "imprinting". Childhood imprinting refers to the phenomenon that children tendency to adopt behaviors, values and ideals of their parents, just like the ducklings follow their mothers.

Essays / Division of America after the Election of Obama [6]


The startling numbers as they appear


... this sentence is too long and hence it disturbs the clarity of your idea. Have your focus on what is meant by the fiscal cliff.

The fiscal cliff is the term used by the media to refer to the economic effects that could result from tax increases, spending cuts, and a corresponding reduction in the US budget deficit beginning in 2013 if existing laws remain unchanged.

... A part of this sentence I captured from wikipedia. This sentence, clearly defines what "fiscal cliff" is and does not contain too much details that would distract the attention of the reader. It's important that your ideas are presented in a more comprehensive manner. Otherwise, the reader has to put lots of effort to memorize every detail in it and he does not like it :)

Essays / The president would be elected by the electoral college [4]


... I'm not an American. So, for me, these two sentences do not clearly give an idea what an Electoral college means. I think it's better if you re-phrase this part that gives a clearer picture to anybody whether he is familiar or not with this system.

For example, this is how Wiki describes Electoral college and anybody can conceive the idea without much difficult;
"The United States Electoral College is the institution that officially elects the President and Vice President of the United States every four years. The President and Vice President are not elected directly by the voters. Instead, they are elected indirectly by "electors" who are elected by popular vote on a state-by-state basis."

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, radio is being replaced by TV and the Internet. [5]


.... the most appropriate word is "replacing" and not "displacing".


... broadcasting is likely to disappear soon because the preferences of people have taken a drastic shift from the radio to television and other computer based devices.

You have good ideas, but you need to pay lots of attention to grammar.

Writing Feedback / SAT:"Is it always better to be original than to imitate or use the ideas of others?" [2]

Good editing by ownpudi :)


... better keep this in present tense :)
People who merely copy others inventions, writings or any other work do not produce anything significant and lack their originality and authenticity.


Steve Jobs is one of the people who refused to imitate others or just move with current trends.

Writing Feedback / A letter to make arrangements for the stay during the weekend at a hotel to hold a seminar at there [3]


We are pleased to inform you that we wish to hold a seminar at your hotel during 5th to 7th July this year. Kindly treat this e-mail as the formal request for you to go ahead with making necessary room reservations and other arrangements. We need to reserve twenty single rooms for this period inclusive of all meals. Out of the twenty, two people are vegetarians and teetotalers. Kindly make special meal arrangement for these two guests.

Also, we need to book your conference room with the facilities such as overhead projector, flip charts, VCR etc. for the days (specify days) from (time)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) college degree is less valuable now compared to the past? [14]


This sounds a bit controversial :) University degrees are definitely helpful to upgrade someone's social status, but they symbolize one's academic credentials than status.


.... This has grammar issues;
Some people believe that this trend still continues.


..., but others argue that they do not add much to one's social status anymore.

Writing Feedback / Preferred leisure activities of Australian children; IELTS - Task 1 [4]


the vast majority of kids is keen .... here the subject becomes "majority"


.... better say "male children"


I feel this sentence is too long and you better break it to two. That would improve its presentation and clarity. : )


I wish if you said it in a more simple tone;
with all Australian children

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Address the causes of crime or not? yes, we should [5]

Good editing by Scientiana :)


... Well... certain foods are delicacies :D
...your idea has not come out the proper way.... I think this is what your idea is;
;people live in poverty and need to struggle hard just to have their basic meals.

Overall, good essay.... meaningful ideas and a good structure!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: One very important skill a person should learn; Soft-skills [2]


Good point :) .... There are a few grammar issues;
Nowadays, besides one's knowledge, soft skills are one of the important aspects that determine his or her success.


.... pay attention to your grammar;
Among all the skills
Good introduction; You have good ideas and I like your structure too. Pay more attention to grammar!
Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL :The government and corporation should share all their scientific discoveries [3]


I find this sentence is a bit too long :( And it does not convey a clear idea to the reader. I think you should re-phrase this sentence.


.... the appropriate word is "benefit" and not "profit".
Nowadays, countless number of research projects are carried out to benefit the humanity.

Writing Feedback / Broad knowledge or Specific knowledge? Broader knowledge is more important; TOEFL [3]

In this competitive society, one needs a broader knowledge for survival. The reason is that he always needs to compete with others who may be having a broader knowledge in various fields. There for I believe that one would need to concentrate on gaining knowledge from various academic disciplines and following are my reasons for holding this opinion;

Letters / Letter to the Head of xxxx Group [3]

Dear xxxxx,

First I wish to thank you for offering me the postdoc position at your esteem institution. However, due to some unexpected reasons at my end, I am now compelled to forgo this opportunity. I also do apologize for my delay in informing you about this development.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Modern person should have several careers or ways of earning money! [4]


.... When you use the "while" as a connector, you need to talk about the other side of the argument as well.
While some people recommend to pursue only one career, others believe that several careers would bring more benefits to people in terms of financial and social gains. I too agree with the latter.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL TOPIC: Patience is usually not a good strategy. We should take action now. [4]


Very good opening. However, "great amount" does not seem to go with people. You can say "a large number of people"; " many people"; "majority people" etc.


...in circles such as economic and political circles...


... I guess "prompt" is the most appropriate usage;
better to take prompt actions.

Writing Feedback / Modern cooking offers convenient solutions for preparing food [11]


At the present time - this does not sound very appealing :( Why not say; In modern world or Today or Nowadays?


.... this sentence has many issues such as grammar, inappropriate words, sentence structure etc. Therefore it is difficult to understand what you try to tell the reader : (

The modern technology has found advanced solutions for food preperation.
This is a good essay written on the same topic. It has a good structure, ideas, vocabulary and presentation.

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) college degree is less valuable now compared to the past? [14]

Sorry Joythblessy,
While I was typing my comment above, something happened and it got half cut :(
I have a few more things to tell you;


This sentence does not sound rationale as an idea. You need to justify your idea by saying how this happens : (


.... you need to be more specific .... this too sounds not so logical :(

I'd like you to do this essay again and post it. You can write well, but you need to come up with logical arguments !

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) college degree is less valuable now compared to the past? [14]


However, many people feel that the value of the college degree is diminishing now while others hold a different view.


... this is not a good sentence. Your idea is not presented in a rationale way. You need to tell us how the degree is important for economic progress.... Seems like pretty weak sentence :(

Writing Feedback / imagine how our ancestors would have survived without Computers, televisions,internet [4]


.... sounds better without "to" :)


Internet instantly connects people across the globe without any time or geographical barriers.


Therefore, there is no doubt about the level of efficiecy and convenience that modern technology offers to us.

Writing Feedback / IElTS: benefits and drawbacks of urbanization; urbanization is a phenomenon [6]

...move from countryside to the city due to undeveloped financial and social facilitieslooking for more opportunities for life.


However, even if there would be improvements in quality of life by moving to the cities, the people need to pay a big price in terms of environmental and mental factors.

Writing Feedback / "How to be a parent"/ What makes a person an adult? [5]


... I feel you better express this idea in a more general manner;
Parents should feed their children with healthy food, educate them properly and look after their health and hygenic needs.


Good idea! :)
They are all great things, however, more importantly, the parents are responsible of preparing their childeren to be successful adults in future.

Writing Feedback / Trends on non-cash transactions; IELTS writing tips on Graphs [3]


transaction that was created/ transactions that were created


The graph shows the general trends of non-cash transaction performances in the UK such as cheque and credit/debit card transactions.


. "most" makes all "redundant"
most transactions/ all transactions

Writing Feedback / IElTS: benefits and drawbacks of urbanization; urbanization is a phenomenon [6]

Letters / Linear Algebra and Advanced Calculus course; Recommendation letter by a professor [4]


... Sure.... this is my help;


Mr Dan was a team member in one of the research projects that I too had been involved with.


I was very impressed by his outstanding skills while he was a student in my Linear Algebra and Advanced Calculus classes.

Writing Feedback / Shifting large factories to countryside helps solve traffic&housing issues... I agree [6]

Wish you the same Tessy and others too :)

Letters / Letter of recommendation by a principal for a student in his high school [4]


It is a great pleasure to recommend XXX, a student in AA High school in the capacity of the principal in this college.


I have known XX for last three years as an exceptionally talented student who had excellent academic records.


I first became closely acquainted with XX when he represented our school in a Maths and Physics competition. His excellent performances at the competition made all of us proud.

Undergraduate / The accident ; MIT Essay/Significant challenge [5]

Hi


.... I like this opening ... very meaningful :)
Here's some help with your word count;


... since you talked about the damaged foot, it is sort of implied :)


.... another strong sentence :)


My friends applauded; I smiled brightly dreaming my near return to soccer field.

This is a great answer. Very nicely presented!
Good Luck!