Undergraduate / "outstanding abroad program" - Short answer to BU application. [3]

I agree. The good thing to do is have a theme and focus a little on your plan for the future. The school you choose... it is something you choose based on your plan for the future. So, talk about the way the school can prepare you for your life's work. Maybe you are not sure what your career will be, but there are some things you are sure about, and that is important when choosing a school.

This is a little bit "generic." It has this small error, too:
Another reason I became interested in Boston University is because of the schools school's reputation for an exceptional intellectual atmosphere.

:-)

Undergraduate / To spend the next two years training to be a physician assistant. [7]

Hello, I had to move the essay to its own thread. Please start a new thread when you post a new essay. :-)

For someone who has never experienced a surgery case in their lifetime , they may start to believe the medical team may start to resemble more of a group of human body mechanics than just having rather than a group with advanced understanding in the subject of science.

Keep it "parallel" like this:
Early in the morning and late in the evening...
or
Early in the mornings and late in the evenings...

Many of my qualities interests could have taken me a thousand different directions , but it was health care that kept drawing me closer.

Good! This is very impressive. Even without these ideas I am offering, it is already very good!

Book Reports / An essay on the short story: "The Sniper". [3]

Yep, this is a forum for collaboration. It's not intended as a resource for people who want to outsource their homework! Just try enjoying the literature. Many people find profound experiences in literature...

If you write something, we can help you to improve it.

Writing Feedback / The Internet - technological innovation that you think is important [3]

When you say 'many,' you have to pluralize the noun.
Many innovation innovations like the computer, Internet, digital camera and so on help creatures on the earth for stay comfortable.

Use "In my opinion" instead of "as my opinion"
In my opinion, the innovation most beneficial for human beings is internet Internet. --- capitalize the proper noun "Internet"

The main reason for the important of the internet is that it can use for multipurpose multiple purposes.--- "multipurpose" is an adjective.

In addition, we can communicate with our loved one in a few seconds. Not only we can talk with them but we can see them. It is possible because of the Internet.--- good!

In conclusion, the Internet is very important ... good ending!

Scholarship / "bringing my friends together" - Scholarship Essay for Washington University [5]

It's like Ershad said... "repeating yourself." When you read this, it probably seems very different than it seems to a reader. The reader sees the main theme introduced, and then this part we are talking about seems to restate the same ideas. I think it is better to revise that so that the main idea of the para is something that supports the main idea of the essay. I hope that explanation helps; it is hard to explain what I mean.

Writing Feedback / Peer Pressure: Recalling an Experience (Autobiographical Narrative) [3]

Often I tell people that giving the name of someone like Mr. Tomanio is an unnecessary detail. Here, it seems unnecessary for making the point of the essay, but... I think that for some reason it is good to have it. You have a nice way of telling the story.

play ground playground

This story is horrifying! That must have been traumatic...

I was taken to the hospital, where a lot of tests were ran run.

I think this is a good story, nicely fulfilling the requirements. It needs more imagery words, though -- colors, sounds, smells, textures... even a metaphor or simile to capture an image.

Nice job!

Graduate / NEED HELP TO WRITE SOP FOR MY PH.D. IN MECHANICAL ENGINEERING [6]

I removed part of this material, because it is on other websites. You can only post writing that comes from your own ideas. Do not put any writing on EssayForum that is not your own original work.

SRI CHUNDI RANGANAYAKULU ENGINEERING COLLEGE, Take out all of these capital letters.
Sri Chundi Ranganayakulu Engineering College --- This is the correct way.

SILICON VALLEY UNIVERSITY, SAN JOSE
Silicon Valley University, San Jose --- This is the correct way.

Use 's to show that something belongs to something else:
The project's main aim is to optimize ...

...which will be a final touch to my personal inclination and objective of my life. ---- This is a beautiful, poetic sentence. The reader will know that you are bilingual and still trying to perfect your English, but that is okay. It is good that you are bilingual. Be confident with your writing, but keep practicing here to get rid of your mistakes. :-)

Here is a small mistake:
Thanking
Thank you for the opportunity to expres s myself.--- This is correct.

Writing Feedback / Peoples behavior is impacted by Television & Movies [4]

Watching television and movies is the cheapest and fastest way to transform information and entertainment .

However, TV and movies always bring about many controversies over its their disadvantages as well. Therefore, this following will bring out these argument above.

First, the primary advantage of watching is easily to approach access a tremendous source of knowledge.
(Above) I used "access" as a verb.

On the other hand, television also has its disadvantages. Watching too much can influence people's bahaviour, especially on children.

teenagers 's teenagers' ---- when you talk about teenagers (plural), you only need to use one s to show possession.

:-) Keep practicing; I'm glad you are practicing at essayforum!

Writing Feedback / Discoveries - Subject of your interest or subject good for career? [4]


I see this sentence a lot. A lot of people writing this kind of essay start by writing, "Recently, the issue of [name of issue] has been brought into public focus." I think you should not use that sentence. Instead, write something about your opinion.

I think it will be better if you use shorter sentences.

Finally, interests are the best teachers for us, and they can give us guidance to discover more interests. further and further , when we contract with difficulties during the work , it Interests give us the power to come persevere over and never give up. It's the power of interest, if you're not interested in the subject, you may have little courage to face adversity.----- this is a brilliant idea!

Writing Feedback / "parents are the best teacher of their children'' - agree or not? [7]

Secondly , parent's teaching methods regularly have strong influence on their children's behaviour, because they understand their children better than anyone.

While others teacher may in school,in centre..found that most of them encountered difficult in teaching process While teachers may have difficulty communicating with children, children's parents have methods to made make them understand clearly and quickly what they are taught. For this reason above, I really agree with the idea that 'parents are their children's best teachers'.

:-)

Essays / personality type essay (stress on thesis statement) [3]


Yep, and they are nowhere to be found when you need help!


No, the worst ones are the severely neurotic who always misinterpret what I say, or jump to conclusions, and then it is not even worth trying to explain to them, because they just want to argue anyway. And I think it is just because he is eloquent; people who are eloquent are the worst friends to have, because they like to be confrontational because they know they can win most arguments. Ah, the hell with it, everyone can just leave me alone!

Okay, so the important thing is to make a thesis statement that is unique or useful enough to be worth saying. It would be no good to say, "Fair weather friends disappear when you need them most," because that is just saying what a fair weather friend is.

The purpose of an essay is to expound one idea... the kind of idea that requires some explanation.

For example, I might say something about the fact that people may call you a fair weather friend when, actually, they are the kind of person who constantly asks for favors and people can't afford not to avoid them. This idea would require an explanation.

One essay = one big idea
Put the idea in a single sentence at the end of the first para, and make the rest of the paragraphs about sub-ideas that help explain the main idea.

Thanks for participating here!

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]

I warmly welcomed the realm of--- I think you enter a realm and it can welcome you, but to welcome a realm seems strange.

It does rhyme in a cool, subtle way, though.

"warmly welcomed" is sort of cliche... arg, I guess I don't like it! Sorry to be difficult.

This world's rich algorithms will benefit our world.--- awkward! Nope, this little piece of writing does not reflect your real ability! Ha ha, breathe that crisp energy of inspiration, and begin again.

:-)

Undergraduate / distinguished academics coupled with exuberant traditional school spirit, Ohio [4]

It will be nice if you talk a little about your passion for architecture. Why this instead of a different kind of profession? What articles have you read? What resources does the school provide for aspiring architects? This deserves a bit of mention because of the fact that becoming an architect is really the main reason for this whole process.

You write very well!! I like the focus on solidarity and school spirit. But... give a little more focus to your unique outlook and plan for the future.

Undergraduate / "The study abroad program really caught my attention" -essay for transfering to UT [7]


This sentence may reflect negatively on you and your mother, making you seem uneducated due to her negligence.

...and I intend to study abroad to put the icing on the cake by becoming fluent.

Okay, at the end of the first paragraph I am left feeling that, as you mentioned in your most recent post, the essay lacks focus. The trick is to start with a very focused paragraph. How do you make a paragraph focused? Make it about a single theme. Make it about one theme, and do not add sentences that are about something else. These paragraphs are quite long, and that can make an essay lack focus.

Look at the first sentence of each paragraph. Do those sentences convey the topics of each paragraph? Google this: how to write good topic sentences.

Also, look for ways to eliminate unnecessary words and sentences:
In the beginning of the 2010 spring semester I began to think about what University I would like to transfer to because I knew it was about that time. I looked at a few different schools online and browsed at their education programs. Then I came to I visited the University of Texas website. I had always been...

:-)

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]

Nice, that first stanza made me laugh with glee.


What is the significance of saying it never left the shelf?


Somewhere there is an EssayForum moderator standing up before his computer and clapping his hands, cheering.

Use a hyphen:
grease-encrusted

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: whether not teachers and doctoes should work in rural for many years [2]


Hi Cat Head, I think the writer was intending to use the word "heard"

At present, it is always heard by many ...

or

At present, people often hear tha t well-trained teachers, high quality education, and well-equipped hospitals are available only in metropolises. In fact, what everybody hopes is to improve their standard of living and their environment. Ther efore most people prefer to live in cities rather than isolated rural areas. However,when we discuss the issue that of whether people should work in rural ereas areas for several years or should be free to choose workplace, what we are concerned about is not the workplace but the development and environment of the individual's whole life. ---- excellent sentence here!

Consequently, it is necessary to improve the recognition that change the living standards of people who live in rural areas, but we should also respect individuals' right to choose where they want to work.

Writing Feedback / The best to improve the quality of education is to increase teacher's salary [3]

Nowadays, the question of how to provide qualititve a high quality education arouses widespread attention.

Increasing the salaries of teachers is a great idea which could stimulate teachers to make more efforts on teaching and solve a bunch of problems for teachers.

rising raising the teacher's social status and improving the "hardware" of school.
Firstly, rising raising teachers' social status is a more convincing ...
A helium balloon rises.
A person raises a cup to give a toast. "Rising" is something that is done by itself, but raising is something a a person can do to something else. "The owner of the shop raised the prices." "The sun started to rise."

I think those are the high-quality educations because students actually sdtruggle struggle or fight for the answers. According to the...

Use a program with a spell checker! :-)

Essays / A starting sentence? Essay for college entrance exam. [3]

Yeah... really, it is necessary to do something before writing that first sentence. Before writing an essay, you need an idea.

In school, we write essays because we have to, but in real life we write essays because we are struck suddenly with inspiration.

You do not need to know the first sentence. Instead, think of ANY sentence. Write a sentence that tells what comes to mind when you look at the essay prompt. What is the prompt for the essay?

Welcome to essayforum, Garbriel!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: More stress for younger generation? [11]

Hello Cat Head! I like your username. :-)

About that thesis statement. Try this... add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph.
What sentence should you add? Imagine you said to me, "Although it may be unjust to claim that the younger generation now suffers from greater stress than ever before, it is undeniable that people nowadays have much more psychological problems"... and I say, "I'm not sure exactly what you mean."

Explain this main idea in a different way. Then, add that sentence (or maybe 2 sentences) to the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "say curiosity and determination" - Stanford essay: Note to Roommate [5]

I am uneasy about that ending, too. I think you can come up with something better.

I like a lot of your ideas, especially curiosity and determination -- a good combination!

Plural and plural, events and outcomes:
or how certain events can result in their outcomes. ...

I feel they all concern me as I affiliate myself as part of the human race.--- this is good, and it shows that you have strong opinions, but add another sentence to make this about curiosity. Tell about what this makes you curious about.

I am determined to contribute my knowledge and experiences in creating a world that respects
cultural diversity.--- Okay, now you should add another sentence to tell what makes you feel determined to influence the world this way.
I like your para about feminism very much!

Undergraduate / "I'm a salsa student" - Stanford supplement commonapp- Roommate note [4]

In the first line, you capitalize 'love' unnecessarily.


Agreed!! Holy moly, that is a lot of sentences crushed together.

Every paragraph should have one main idea.
I love to read, cook, walk through nature, and ride my bicycle. I'm a caretaker of nature, and I can`t stand pollution or things which are against the nature. --- this is one paragraph. Add sentences that are about nature.

Start a new paragraph:
I love to meet people around the world, I'm member of a community world called CouchSurging.org where our objective is show, guide and ....experience in our room.--- this is a good paragrpah, because it is all about one subject: culture.

Okay... here is the important point. When you write the essay, establish a theme at the start: salsa dancing. When you talk about these other things, talk about them by showing what they have in common with salsa dancing. Make it so that your whole life is like dancing in a way. This is how to keep a theme throughout the essay.

Know what I mean? The trick is to make the essay clever by showing how you can discuss all these things in terms of salsa. As it is right now, it seems like a list of facts instead of an essay, but you can use salsa as a "unifying theme."

Graduate / Quick Fix: Opening Paragraph, School of Medicine interest [13]

Hahahahaha, yes, you understand what I mean... :-) Hahaha...

Student Talk / A refugee imigrated to the US this year. Can I apply to the university this year? [9]

You seem like a very well-rounded person. I hope this link helps you refugees.org

The purpose of the SAT is to see how prepared you are for college. I think you can find resources through the link above, and they will help you prepare. You should visit or call a school you want to attend and ask the admissions office to help you achieve your goal.

Good luck! I'm glad you are participating here.

Dissertations / Training and development interest - Phd thesis topic [5]

If you are ready to start the PhD program, you probably know more about HRM than I do. Writing your dissertation has something in common with writing an admissions essay: it is something you MUST write to achieve a goal.

However, isn't it true that at a fundamental level we write an essays or articles out of sheer inspiration? It is backwards when people grope around for topics to write about. You should start by doing some reading. What are the three most interesting professional journal articles you have read about HRM. List 3 articles written in professional journals in the past 4 years or so, and it will help me to know your particular interests within the field.

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay: My family's unique influence on me [11]

Well, I always think it is better if you have at least one sentence -- at the beginning or end of the first or last para -- that sums up the whole essay... a sentence that succinctly tells your main message.

I think it does indeed accomplish what it is supposed to accomplish. Just try to add a sentence that will reinforce the main message.

:-)

Writing Feedback / exciting and colorful - ielts: doing the same thing or change? [2]

"as well as" is a difficult phrase to use. It might be better this way:
...point of view and then give my own opinion. (after this sentence, give a thesis statement that sums up your whole message. Know what I mean? Put your essay's main idea "in a nutshell," and express it here at the end of the first para.

"Seek" does not need "to" after it:
They are always seeking to something new.
Example: Kevin always seeks good essays to read.

BTW, great job Cat Head!! Thanks for this work you did to help Thuy Hang!!

However, change is a great opportunity but also an enormous challenge. --- This is a good sentence!!

Writing Feedback / Technology Gap Between Generations, Interview Essay. Am I doing this correctly? [5]

yuck.
Use an apostrophe to show possession.

Obviously frustrated, he exclaimed, "These darn things!", while tossing the phone back onto the table. At that moment the boy snatches the phone, answers it, and begins to have a conversation with an unknown party on the other end. --- right here you are switching from past to present tense in a way that would get you scolded by your English comp teacher.

Hey, I think this seems like a thoughtful discussion, but it is very simplistic. The idea of actually interviewing real people is that it will help you to go beyond this notion of kids being more tech savvy, older people being less open minded because of having become bitter, exposed to propaganda, etc., or because of not having so much access in their lives to the internet.... This is the obvious stuff, but you may be surprised to interview real people and see just how progressive old people can be and how prejudiced young people can be. The internet has been in widespread use for almost 20 years now, so it is a little different now.

Undergraduate / "to major in the Medical field" - Application essay (the Ohio State) [3]


This kind of sentence is never good. Don't waste any time acknowledging stuff they say on their website. Talk about YOUR specific plans and ideas.

I know there are many careers in this area of interest, so I would like to experience some of them before I make my decision. ----- this is very good!

I'm interested in the human body and how it functions.----- This is a little too obvious, because you are entering the field of medicine.

I believe the university fits my personality and will allow me to become an independent, well-rounded individual with its diversity. ---- Unless you explain how it fits your pers. or will enable you to be independent, this is meaningless.

Large campus, small class size, diversity... these are all cliches. Talk about articles you have read, medical procedures that interest you, and what kind of WORK you actually want to be DOING every day after you graduate.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A better degree, a better life style", Commonapp Transfer essay [8]

Your English is almost perfect! You just have a few small errors.

...while my brother was in the passenger seat and my mom was driving .

However after reviewing the finance courses that are on offered in Boston, I realize that my current course is not as detailed and in depth as I would like it to be.

"apart" is the opposite of "together"
"a part" (as 2 words) is the correct way to write it here:

I would love nothing more than to be a par t of a university in Boston. I wa nt to be proud of my graduating school, as well as to make the university proud of me. Most importantly to be part of a student body, considered as the leaders of tomorrow.

Writing Feedback / A JOB YOU LOVE or A JOB THAT PAYS YOU WELL? [3]


I don't think it is correct to say it recently has come into public focus. It is a timeless question.

You can start like this:
The issue of being happy involves timeless questions. For example, is it necessary to have a high salary or a good reputation?

This sentence needs a conjunction, because you say 2 things:
You will put your heart in what you enjoy, and people can make improvement easily when they do what they are interested in.--- I added the conjunction "and"

Make the corrections suggested by Tanya and Sony. That is a good way to practice! Thanks for participating!! I hope you can improve your English skill by participating here.

Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]


This sort of style rule might be confusing for someone who is still trying to learn the basics.

Tomomi, this is a good change to learn what a conjunction is and how it works. Look at Freezard's advice about conjunctions, and consider my example.

EXAMPLE:
Look at Freezard's advice about conjunctions, and consider my example.
or
Look at Freezard's advice about conjunctions. Consider my example.
(When you have 2 complete sentences, you can separate them with a period (#2) or with a conjunction + comma (#1)

You should rewrite the essay and use freezard's corrections to improve it. Then, I will try to find more ways to improve it. Keep practicing!!

It is very important to use a program with a spell checker. (Learning from experiences can be good, but learning from books improves your spelling!! :-)

Undergraduate / interest in and knowledge of solar energy: what you find intellectually engaging [3]


I have to advise against this intro. The essay is supposed to be about an idea or experience, not about the fact that you are inquisitive. Don't be discouraged, though!! This sort of thing is difficult!! Do you see what I mean,... introduce the topic of the essay when you write that intro.


Very cool... this second para can be a good intro para.

Is there a maximum word count for this? If you are allowed to write more, do so, and even consider citing some articles about desalination. You have a great topic!!

Undergraduate / "dedicated to the arts" -A significant experience: New College Admission essay [3]

...this small school is so much greater than it seems. -----Right here, you raise the question in the reader's mind: "In what way is it more?" Now, I know you use the rest of the essay to provide an answer to that question, but I also think you should add one more sentence to the end of the first para. Make it a sentence that tells the reader succinctly what is special about your experience there. Sum it up in a thesis statement.

By doing that, you will make all the rest of the sentences more meaningful in the reader's mind as they, one after another, support your main assertion.

Undergraduate / Master of Science degree in Computer Information Systems (About me essay) [2]

I like having alone time and not seeing people constantly, I think it is peaceful.--- this is nice. It Is a run on sentence, but it's a nice idea.

It is important to have some solitude.

Hey, there is something very powerful about this essay. I like it a lot. It is advantageous to be decisive and know your major, but it is also powerful to be introspective and say you might change direction.

It is very powerful that you show the transition into adulthood as you value a steady source of income...

I like to look at life with as a glass half full, and I am ready for whatever life brings me.

Undergraduate / Miami International University of Art & Design; be part of the fashion industry [8]

Well, take out the "empty" sentences like this . I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goal and that is why I believe I should be admitted to the program. Add sentences that tell about your outlook on life. Why fashion instead of law or medicine?

You must have an interesting personal philosophy if you choose fashion. After all, you have so many other options. Make the reader understand your view of fashion. Why is it meaningful? Is it superficial? I challenge you! Make an argument that fashion is the ultimate career.

Undergraduate / "...If we were to admit one more student, why you?" - ISB admission essay [3]

Look at how much better a sentence becomes when you remove unhelpful details:
I am an individual full of enthusiasm, and confidence. ---without the meaningless mention ofb being an individual, it is so much bolder and more forthright.

This does not work:
I have always --------->wish to continue the same in future.
Do this:
I have always tried to be a trendsetter rather than a trend follower, and I intend to continue to set trends in the future.

My further professional stints in India, Canada and Germany (no comma necessary here) enhanced my skills related...

:-)
In the intro para, say something about setting trends in your chosen field. In the conclusion, mention this theme of setting trends one last time so that the reader remembers it.

Writing Feedback / discuss the changes in society which have an efect on teenagers? [4]


This is the only statement you make about how changes affect teenagers, and it is not very clear.

Say something about CHANGE and about BEING A TEENAGER:

Fundamental changes in society can be traumatic for teenagers because, just as teenagers are learning how the world works, it changes. This can be a cause of anxiety.

Undergraduate / Things that make me unique and distinct from any other person [4]

Hi, my name is Gabriel ... knows me better than myself. Like any other young boy, I can also play sports like basketball. --- all this stuff does not tell how you are unique. You should begin this with a sentence that is powerful. Begin it with a sentence that tells the most important difference, or one that is interesting to you.

Here is one I would give for myself:
I know that I am not interested in the same things most people are interested in.

What is a sentence that tells something DISTINCTIVE about you?

Writing Feedback / The most important qualities of a good supervisor (boss) - rate my essay [3]

All Employees in different work situations experience dissimilar behaviors from their bosses, but they believe that some same qualities are common to all good bosses.--- I think this is what you mean to say, right?

Let's make this a list of three nouns, because an attribute must be a noun:
...should have a number of characteristics, such as good-manners, impartiality and consideration.

I agree with you. These are great ideas.

One difficult concept to explain is responsibility. The good boss is willing to take responsibility for the performance of her subordinates.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What do you think are the duties of vietnamese youths nowsadays? [3]

Let's use the word "thoughtful"
It's widely seen that in order to survive and improve we must be important thoughtful while educating and promoting the success of Vietnamese youths. --- I added "the success of" so that you will be saying that you want to "Promote the success of the youths.

Use "not only, but also"
The development of the youth not only affects the survival of country, but also impacts on the future of the nation.

Capitalize Vietnamese.
In conclusion, vietnamese Vietnamese youths play an important role in ...

You have a nice way of writing! I think a little practice will eradicate all your errors. Practice typing these sentences with the corrections that we suggest.

Also, read them aloud. Speaking and typing are the best kinds of practice.

:-)