Undergraduate / I take pride in the insight I have gained from experiencing how other people live. [3]


You already said this in the first line and therefore this one sounds redundant


I wish if your focus had been drifted a little from detailing your experiences to telling them how you are going to contribute to their community. The understanding that you earned through your experiences would certainly be helpful for this contribution, but it is the contribution you are going to make is more important for them. :)

Undergraduate / UW PERSONAL STATEMENT AND DIVERSITY ESSAY My stepmother was the main provider in my family [3]


You have a good case here to build upon. I think you also have the capability to present this more creatively. This is not badly written, but can be presented with a better punch. : ) Why not give a try?


I had become more matured and had a clear idea how I should arrange my priorities.


I think this is unnecessary... You've given enough hints on this. By this point, the reader knows that your family had financial issues and you were forced to support resolving them. So I feel this whole para as sort of repetition. ... I feel you can take this point to the previous para and leave out the rest

Undergraduate / I was two when my great-grandfather passed away from lung cancer; Challenge/ UBS [2]


"still" makes "today" redundant :)

I am sorry to say but you need to improve this a lot. The deaths of grand parents are a common phenomenon in the world and they don't be life challenges in the eyes of admission committee. So you've got to tell them how they became significant challenges to you. Sorrow and pain that follows from departing a loved one is not enough to show them as a challenge. You need to talk about how these incidents affected you and how you overcame it. : (

Undergraduate / "silly and awkward roles" UC PROMPT #2; personal quality, talent, etc. - important to you [3]


I was disappointed over not having enough opportunities at my high school.


For two months I had no friends while my social life suffered seriously. All I did during leisure was homework and watching movies on YouTube.


In this background how I could refuse an invitation for auditioning for the school play? Without any hesitation, I said yes to my friend.

Undergraduate / I stood up and led the exercise : UBC Broad Based Admission Questions for Commerce. [2]


This is not adding any value to your answer. This one you can leave out : )

I think you should come up with a stronger claims to show that you have shown true leadership qualities there. Tell them what happened to that boy and what were his problems. Then what strategy you applied to motivate him and lead him towards success... This should be a more convincing account. :)

Undergraduate / I need to hit harder. Move faster. Kick higher. Be greater; Common App [5]


Good start .... interesting : )


Awesome !


Although martial arts is not a team sport, I found my second family at the dojo and it is such an amazing experience of brotherhood.


I shuddered at the thought.

Undergraduate / Engineering is my passion ESSAY(myself); I am desperate to prove myself to the world [3]

Hi Parkavin,
Glad to meet someone from Sri Lanka : ) It's always good to include the prompt along with your essay so that others can give you more relevant feedback for you. Is this a personal statement?

A few grammar mistakes I found;



This sounds like just a list of records. There are more interesting ways that you can talk about yourself.
Why not post your prompt? So that we can have an idea what your real need is and also align your essay with that :)

Writing Feedback / Beubg Friendly and considerate ; characteristics of good neighbors [3]


This is what you call the "Joint Family" concept. You can use this term in your essay : )


Different people have different opinions. However, I believe that being friendly and considerate are the key ingredients in a good relationship.

Pay more attention to your grammar and sentence construction. There are many good essays on TOEFL topics you can find here. Read them to get an idea about essay structure : )

Undergraduate / India- is synonymous to cultural diversity; MIT Essay - background and identity [4]


I guess cultural diversity is more appropriate.
Also why not you talk about the cultural diversity of India a little bit.... You have close to 100 dialects spoken, so many communities, religions etc.etc. Just briefly mention about that having you in the centre ;)


good :)


I think this is well written... good job and Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Theoretical knowledge or practical skill. [3]

Hi Edna,
I like your introduction...It's short but contains everything it should. It's better if you briefly introduce the reasons as to why you believe so, but this is too fine because you may not have all the time at the exam to do it. Also as a tip for the exam, you better write a short intro like this and move on to other paras. Once you finish the essay and if have spare time, you can come back to intro and add the reasons :D

However, your body paras do not contain specific examples : ( That's an issue for you to earn a good score :D

This idea you can actually use for an example in your first body para. There you say that graduates lack necessary skills required by work environments. Communication skill is one of them. : )


Yes.... this is a very valid point.
You write well and display a great potential for a real good score for this task.... Pay more attention to the mistakes you did here :D

Undergraduate / "Nam is an enthusiastic and humorous guy" - Essay on Myself [6]


Interesting.... Yes, we would help you win Nick! :D


Well... The first line is very interesting if it is your own idea.... The second line does not make any sense for this essay. However, I believe you need to present it in a creative manner : )

This is how I suggest;
Nam is my name and I am an extrovert in every sense. I love meeting new people, making new friends, talking nonstop,joking, laughing, playing games and be with people all the time.

If you like my way, just let me know... I'll try to help you win :D

Undergraduate / Why Carnegie Mellon? (Communication Design) [3]


.... I know you may be having a word count limit.... But these words are important to be included as this is the opening of your answer. Let's try to cut down from some other part : D


Also I always liked art, but took it up seriously only in my sophomore year in high school..... managed to save you some words :D

It's good to have your prompt around to give a more relevant feedback :D
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / NEED TO GET INTO MY DREAM SCHOOL; NYU SUPPLEMENT ESSAY. I am a film maker, a musician... [7]


Why not combine these two?
I found NYU to be the most outstanding among the colleges I visited with my family in our mission to find the best.

Guess you have a strict word count :D
How many words you are allowed to have?

Letters / Recommendation letter to the Selection Committee [2]


To whom it may concern


It is my great pleasure to recommend xxxxxxx for your yyyyyyyyy program 2012//2013(mention academic batch)


I have known xxxxxx since yyyy(year) and she had been one of the most outstanding students at YYYY University.
Does this student have outstanding credentials/ achievements that you can mention here?

Graduate / "Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful";SOP (Computer Science [3]


..... words sum up / words sums up


However, pursuing studies is not a career objective though it would be a must for realizing your career goals.... I feel you should re-phrase this.

These words of Sir Winston Churchill inspired me to decide that I should pursue graduate studies in Computer Science at mmmmmm university, to start my journey of aligning my knowledge, skills and credentials with my next career objective.

Undergraduate / I never felt so disappointed; My Yale Supplement Essay [3]

Good work EmeeAfua! That's a very thoughtful feedback!


Good start!
Everyone expected me to end up with all "A" s and I would secure a place in the best girls' school in Ghana.


But to everybody's dismay, my results happened to be Seven "A"s out of Ten that hindered my chances of having accepted by the Wesley Girls', the BEST. I was adamant that I would not apply to St Rose because in my mind it was too inferior though I was convinced having no chances at Wesley Girls'.


.... I feel you should do away with this.... because it tends to block your flow : (


.... let's change this a little bit :)
However, I had to embrace my destiny and applied to St Rose's hoping that I could soon transfer.

Undergraduate / Born in Guangzhou ; Personal Statement - College Application [4]


I think you can start your essay from this point. That would be more interesting : )

Back in 2004, at the age of seven, I was feeling excited and nervous simultaneously when I learned that we were going to migrated to the USA. Born in the large city of Guangzhou, China I had no clue about English......

you can now expand into other things : )

Undergraduate / What motivated me for applying to RICE UNIVERSITY; passion for history [4]


..... Your essay flows very well and I feel that part disturbs it flow. So I suggest;
As a lover of history, I hope to teach history in the future


.... better have a link to the previous idea;
Rice's assortment of interesting and challenging history courses would prepare me to take up that task more effectively.

Undergraduate / FREEDOM : Dangerous Driving, the issue of importance to me [2]


:D .... Quite interesting : )


As a junior, I dedicated my article "Awareness Run held for Nicole" on the school newspaper in my efforts to build awareness on dreadful consequences of dangerous driving.

I suggest you to add more emotions and feelings when you talk about your friend's tragic death. Since the prompt is aimed at an issue that has a major significance to you, you can take that incident as the point that changed your perception about care-free driving and made you responsible for educating others too on that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Cam 7 Test 2- Criminal Punishment [5]

Sure dear : )

When I give comments on IELTS or TOEFL independent tasks, I follow the most popular 4 para essay structure because I myself has been successful in securing a great score by following it :)

It is;
1. Introduction - Introduce your topic (briefly) and state your opinion clearly.
2. Body para 1 : First reason for your opinion + One specific example to support this reason
3. Body para 2 : Second reason+ example
4. Conclusion : Sum up everything said above and re-instate your opinion.

Now check your essay with the above structure.... I can see that your 2nd Body para is missing. You need to come up with another reason as to say why you think it is important to consider the background of the crime. Then give an example for that. Read the essays written on similar topics for you to gain an idea about this structure... There are plenty you can find here on EF : )

Hope this helps.

Undergraduate / 'we all will be the greatest'-significant experience [4]

Hi : )


I guess, you can do something with this;


I feel this part is too detailed ... try and make it a bit more concise. What matters is that you should show your character transformation through this incident. But you dont have to be sooooooooo descriptive for that!

Also, I noticed a typo I've made in my previous suggestion;


.... sorry : )

Writing Feedback / Impacts of and solutions for rural depopulation??? [6]


I agree ; )


The city becoming overcrowded would undoubtedly cause many harmful effects, ; )


Very good.... you need to support your argument with examples.

Now you follow the right structure!

Undergraduate / When I first learned to read, I struggled; Common App [3]


announced or declared? .... I feel "declared" is more appropriate.


Impressive : )


"bring them to life" is not really helping you to tell your idea to the reader. I would suggest;
I tried all my tricks to get him to reading, but I failed until I began to reveal my own story to him;
Now you can start telling the story :)

Undergraduate / The bitter notes were made honeyed again; Yale Common Ap [6]


Yes... it is indeed : )


It was covered in dust.


when the great musicians themselves were breathing? I don't see that this part add any value to your essay.... In fact it tends to confuse the reader. I suggest you to rephrase this one!

Undergraduate / 'Google, Microsoft and Apple' - UC - Describe the world you come from [4]


Is it body or your soul ? .... How about?
I was in my new home in the USA, buy my soul was still in Indonesia.


I guess "handle" sounds more appropriate :)


Up to this point, your essay was flowing in the mood of struggling to adapt to the new environment and to recover from the sorrow of leaving Indonesia. Now you suddenly bring in your love for computer.... I think you need a correction in between.

Undergraduate / An Achievement/Risk and how you learned from it; CommonApp Essay [3]

Hi
It's good if you posted your prompt for us to give you a more relevant feedback : )


When many people give priority to the careers and professions when making academic decisions, I always listen to my heart.


I think you should break this sentence to at least two sentences. It seems it's too much compact and many things are half told. Relax it more and tell this idea in a more interesting way!

Graduate / Graduate SOP for Phd in computational mechanics [4]


I guess you can improve this idea to be a more catchy one : )
Being a bright kid, especially in academics, I had always been my family's pride and I never had a heart to betray their confidence in me. So as a kid, I was primarily driven by the motive of pleasing my parents. However, as I grew older, I realized where my true passion lies.

Undergraduate / 'Started to attend church regularly' -The one that impacted my life the most, A&M Essay A [3]

Hi Garrett94,


This is my suggestion for the opening;
Jeffery Smith; the name that strikes in my mind without any hesitation when I ask myself which person did impact my life the most. He is no other, but my best ever friend, brother, mentor and my ideal.

Undergraduate / My adventurous nature is what I'm proud about, it has boosted up my lifestyle [2]


My adventurous nature is the one that makes me proud the most. It has inspired my character and given me courage to try and explore new things. As a result, I have become very confident in taking up new challenges.


in a vast diverse fields

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Beijing example; Petrol price rising vs traffic and pollution [3]


traffic and pollution - two things.... therefore they are major problems : )


Some people think ,,,,, - you must keep this in present tense. "thought" is the past tense of "think"

The above sentence has many grammar errors;
Some people think that dramatic increase in the number of vehicles cause is the reason for this problem. They argue that the best way to solve this issue is to raise the price of petrol.

Always try to have short sentences.... Lengthy ones try to get you carried away : )

Essays / Mental Health in Developing countries [2]


Yes... we would certainly help you ! However, you need to do your first draft and post it here.... Then others would give their suggestions and comments for you to go on improving it. This site is meant for helping each other and sharing knowledge and experience. So.... you've got to give the start and then other would follow you to support : )

Writing Feedback / You have been asked to suggest improvements to a park ,a national park, regional park [2]


Correct grammar would be;
park has always been / parks have always been / park had always been/ parks had always been


Why do you specify time? It's not just afternoons and mornings but evenings too :D
I guess you better remove that part, it is not appropriate : )

Writing Feedback / Discussion about a short example in my essay [9]


I didn't answer this in the class because there wasn't sufficient time for me to do that. ----------- you are talking of an incident in the past. So you need to keep this one also in the past tense : )


I cannot figure out what you mean by illustrating your ability... :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: Similarity of different places. [3]


Actually, what your prompt means slightly deviates from what you mean here... It talks of having similar environments everywhere in the world as a result of globalization. So you need to align your intro with the prompt;

In today's world, many cities contain similar features such as buildings,, flyovers, roads etc. reducing the differentiation between them.


Pay attention to grammar more... You write well!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Cam 7 Test 2- Criminal Punishment [5]

Hi,
Your intro follows a good structure;


.... I did changes in punctuation


---- this has some grammar issues :(


criminals were appearing/ criminals appeared

You need to have at least one extra body para : )

Undergraduate / Life is full of ups and downs; issues of personal, local, international concern [2]


I suggest you to re-phrase this one... It doesn't come right : (


This is again very confusing... what do you try to mean?

I guess that this one is on off-track... What you need to write about is;


you have to pick up an issue that has some importance to you, not a general issue....
You need to show how it's affecting you as a person!

Undergraduate / essay for NUS Admission- the major is Computer Science [2]


Well.... I think you need to present your case in a more creative manner : )
Don't just list down your achievements because that presentation may not stand out what the other applicants have submitted. The admission committee goes through hundreds of applications and they need to remember you among them... So give more emotions to your writing and present it in a more interesting manner. You write well and this cant't be a hard task for you : )

Undergraduate / Overcoming problems - Common App - personal experience that has changed my life [4]

Hi Nicolas40,


Welcome to Essay Forum! .... :)

It's good if you post the prompt with the essay so that it helps others to provide you with more relevant comments .... : )


Since I was little, I grew up with the idea that we were always positively different to other families and no crisis would ever strike us.

Hope you don't struggle with the word count as my suggestion has more words :P

Undergraduate / Leadership, Group work , Perspective, Accomplishing Goals [2]

Hi lalala;


smell? ... :D ... Well, I prefer "feel" : )


What does this mean? Whom did you stare at? Or do you try to mean that you started as somebody who didn't believe in himself, but late became very confident?

This sentence tends to confuse the reader : ( .... It should to set up a link with your next idea

Undergraduate / Penn "Engage Academically"- Engineering (Computer Science) [10]

Hi bigpapi;


rather than strictly the things at penn i like?
Well.... you should write the things you like at Penn, but you should present them in a manner that "I like Penn because of this reason, that reason, etc.etc. "

Have yourself in the center. Tell them how you perceive the features of Penn valuable or important... That is what they want to understand. What I meant was it is the presentation that you need to change. : )

Hope you got me! :)