Posts by dumi - page 142

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Essays / women on the domestic front of the american revolution [2]

Hi ocampbell17

Grab your readers attention, Background info, question, thesis statement, i have no clue how to write it. please help!!!

Start with a catchy statement that would introduce your topic to the reader. Elaborate on it a little bit in the second (if yo have more points you can take it to the third two) to further explain the topic to the reader.

Do your first draft and post it here.... We shall try to help you : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Topic: The Influence of the Internet's knowledge on life [2]

he opportunity to gain information, knowledge has never been as simple as it is now.

Before the internet came into our lives, obtaining information so efficiently and speedily had never been an easy task.

This enormous increase in the availability of information profoundly influence people's life in today's world, both positively and negatively.

influence one's life positively
it has positive influence on one's life
.... Hope you got this point ; )

First of all, this increase in the availability of information really improves numerous aspects of life, such as science, technology, cultures.

First, information efficiency contributes to the development of many areas such as science, technology and culture.

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / analytical Argument GRE [4]

Yes... you have come up with very logical points that need to be considered before taking a decision.
Language is fine but you display lots of potential for further improvement.
I guess the following should be presented a little differently. It looks like you declare a point and stop at that level. Instead, you need discuss this point and then suggest an appropriate action to investigate this situation before taking their decision. That is how this whole essay flows : )

Two years is a long time, and has there been new malls built around the vicinity of Central Plaza? If so, the regular shoppers would have gravitated to the new malls regardless of the popularity of skateboarding, and the co-relation between the decrease in business and increase in skateboarding is highly coincidental.

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Is saving endangered species worth? 'maintain the balance of ecological systems' [3]

~~It has been known for some time that the~~ The issue of whether we should attempt to protect endangered species from extinction or not is always a contentious one

The part I scrapped off sounds irrelevant ... It's better you align this sentence more with the topic :)
The issue of whether we should protect endangered species from extinction or use those resources for another purpose is being debated for some time.

The principal reasons for my view are as follows

This sentence does not add much value, because the reader anyway expects you to tell him the reasons. You can leave this out and it would help you manage your time more efficiently.

First, it is vital to appreciate the importance of endangered animals in maintaining the balance of ~~nature~~echo system .

Good sentence and a good point. I suggest ''echo system'' in place of nature, though nature is also correct, because it is actually the balance in echo system that we are worried about

Good body para where you support your reason with an example.... : )
You are on right track and welcome back to EF!
Hope this time you are going stay with us for a longer time ; )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / should wealthy nations take responsiblity to help the poorer countries? [6]

The gap between nations has been of great concern in recent years. As a result, some people may hold the idea that underdeveloped countries should assume responsibility to take care of their citizens themselves.

Well.... there is an issue with the link between these two sentences.... The gap has widened and as a result poor countries are supposed to look after themselves.... It sounds a bit awkward, isn't it? When the gap is widened, the poor becomes more poorer and vice verse. So it implies that the rich should look after the poor :D

Just check on this : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Argumentative essay on Space and ocean exploration [2]

But why just keep the focus in space when here in our very own backyard is a vast, deep, blue body of water that covers 2/3 of our world.

I love the way you have expressed this idea.... you have an interesting and unique style of presenting ideas : )
However, I'd like if you just included something to say that there's a need for making efforts to explore the ocean. Why not have couple of words to give a hint about this : )

Guess what, the ocean is full of life, so much life that we don't even have names for all of the unknown life that lies in ~~the ocean~~deep seas

Nothing wrong with your way... I just felt it that way : )
Great job! Loved every line I read through :)

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Internet is a great information provider, but also dangerous tool. [2]

You've written a great essay... Excellent writing with rich vocabulary and sentence structures.

However, this task has to be performed within a limited time frame which many candidates find hard. So, it is better if you practice with time to make sure that you can manage time well at the exam. Also it is good to follow their expected essay structure so that you would more easily earn marks. So I would suggest you to stick to 4 para structure with intro, 2 body paras and the conclusion. If you find spare time you can do a bonus body para :D

Also, I find your intro is quite descriptive... I really feel you don't have to do it that much because it may consume more time. Also it is recommended to state your opinion very clearly at the intro itself.

Overall... a great job and I believe you really don't have to worry about this task.... You can move on to the others : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Arranging My Thoughts on Marriage - ENG101 Essay [2]

Love is an interesting thought; in itself it can cause such an impact, whether it is for better or for worse.

Impressive start : )

The profound affection and passion accompanied by such an emotion should leave us very much certain in what we want, yet more often than not we are left mystified and ambiguous of our feelings; ranging between anything from agonizing remorse to pure, unadulterated joy.

Very true ... well said :D

I did some proof reading with my bad eye sight and couldn't find anything wrong... It's one of the best essays I read here. I think you've done an excellent job and wish you good luck for an "A" : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Be cooperative/ Global village/ Importance of English [3]

In the future, we can not do our work without other people's help. So we must help each other. It is said, Unity is strength. When we work together, we have more power than working alone.

Why do you qualify "future"? Isn't it valid for the present? :D

When we work together, it exerts more power than working alone.

As we know the world is becoming a global village. There are more and more companies are involving international trade, so we must realize the different culture of different areas.

As we know the world is becoming a global village, there are more and more companies becoming involved with international trade. So we must respect cultural diversity while exploring new markets and opportunities.

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; High Sales Vs Power of Advertising - Discuss [6]

So do you have specific suggestions about this paragrah? I think I stucked in Chinese thoughts and expression...

:D ... Well it happens to all of us... I really cannot get your idea there : (
Are you trying to say that advertising does help people to make decisions and it is a good thing?

That whole para needs to be re-written because it is not at all clear as to understand what you try to say.
But your structure has improved a lot... Also dont forget to give examples : )

however both of them have their own ~~fault~~ advantages and disadvantages.

It's better if you say it like this;
However, advertising has both positive and negative impacts on the society
Your topic is more focussed on how advertising is affecting the society.... So always maintain the alignment with the topic : )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Graduate / I am an ardent fan of wireless devices ; SOP for arlington univ [4]

I, Ganesh Raj Kumar aspire to pursue electrical engineering with specialization in wireless communication under the inspiration of top faculties who will be able to lend me their exhaustive knowledge coupled with practical experience.

This makes your SOP sounds very formal. I guess that following point would give a great start to this essay;

My zest for wireless has its root deep in my childhood when I first witnessed the assembling and working of a fully functional radio circuit.

Your application may be one of hundreds or thousands that those admission members are going through. So, make sure you would stand out the other applicants. For that you need to show lots of creativity that would help you to remain in their memory until the application process is over ; )

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS; High Sales Vs Power of Advertising - Discuss [6]

Now days, a discussion rose about goods purchasing and what extent advertisements stimulate it.

This has some issues.... First it has some grammar errors; second, it lack clarity
Also, "Nowadays" is one word and not two words.

Your first body para is pretty good.... It follows the right structure!

Although, it is not saying advertisements cause no fault.

This is a very confusing statement.... This whole para is somewhat vage and reader finds it very difficult to catch your idea : (

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / 'we all will be the greatest'-significant experience [4]

Well... you want help to cut down words : ) ... Here's mine;

Bold and extroverted had never been qualities that had defined me in the past.

"Bold" and "extovert" were never words to define me in the past.

I didn't look up, fearing I might witness people in line exchanging glances with their friends and giggling because I was alone.

I didn't look up fearing others would giggle and direct odd glances at me.

I also suggest to cut down on details on that event

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Writing Feedback / Annual spending by a British school in 1981 - ielts task1 [11]

As is the case with teachers` salaries occupied the largest percentage in 3 years while the cost in insurance produced the smallest.

This sentence is not propertly structured : (
While the teachers' salaries occupy the highest percentage, the percentage spent on insurance is the least.

the school spent 40% cost on teachers` salaries

You bear the cost .... you cannot spend cost ... you spend money/ you spend time : )
.... the school spent 40% of the total budget on teachers' salaries....

dumi

Dec 5, 2012

Undergraduate / With me, the period of revising for master of law examination is the most stressful [6]

There ~~was~~were lots of things to prepare for the exam but I didn't have much enough time to do everything.

I was under severe study pressure; I had so much to study in a limited time period.

It was not easy to learn all of necessary knowledge of Marxist - Leninist philosophy by heart.

It was a hard task to memorize everything about Marxist- Leninist philosophy by heart.

I felt really stressed and tired when I tried to remember so many things for a while.

This sentence sounds as if you are repeating the same idea. You told this already... Better do away with this : )

Besides that, because I am not good at listening and speaking English, so I was very hard to learn two these English skills.

In addition, I had to make a great effort to improve my English listening and speaking, the areas I need improvement.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Speech and Language Pathology Master's Program Essay [2]

Hi ashag323,

With the focus being on speech therapy in the public schools this program will allow me to continue the start of my career at Denver City ISD while ~~I am~~ attending school.Since the focus has such a strong interest in the schools, I feel that this is the best program for me.

I dont find any grammar or other issues here. But, I feel it's better if you further improve this part. The second sentence sounds repetitive.

I dont know whether this is what you try to mean.... But this is my suggestion for you;
The nature of this program would allow me to start my career at Denver City ISD while attending school. Its strong focus on speech therapy in the public schools would be the best option for me as my career interest lie in this field.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / Why the divorce rate is so high in North America? [3]

The causes might be little bit different from a country to another but the results are the same.

It is very bitter and unlovely experience for many couples in this generation

It is a very bitter and depressing experience for many couples.
It is indeed a bitter experience for the couples irrespective of their generation :D .... So I suggest you leave out the generation part. Also I guess the word "depressing" is more appropriate for this scenario becuase many people suffer with depression when they are marriages are broken.

They'd have hard time to forget the beautiful time which they spent together.

What torments a divorced couple the most is that their struggle to recover from the memories of their good times and the happy moments.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / analytical Argument GRE [4]

In the last two years, business all over the world has been affected by the global economic climate, and it is not unusual for there to be a decline in business in most malls.

In last two years, businesses all over the world have been affected by the global economic downturn. Though in different degrees, many malls experienced a decline in number of shoppers as a direct result of this recessionary effects.

It is also insinuated ~~also~~ that the increase in this popular sport in CPlaza, has resulted in much litter and vandalism

To put the blame solely on the popularity of skateboarding is unfair and illogical. Hence the first question to ask is, how well was the mall doing before the last two years, Did isit coincide with the global economic ~~gloom~~turmoil .

I prefer "turmoil" to "gloom' as it is commonly used when describing economic situations.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS topic: Skills of letter writing will soon disappear [3]

It is believed that the skills of letter writing will soon disappear, but have no negative impact on people's lives

What is your opinion on this? .... This sounds as if it is a common belief and does not give a clue that you believe so.

The main reason for prefering emails than letters is the time that is saved.

The prompt is open to all technologically advanced methods that replace the need for hand written letters. So that may include text messages as well (sms). When you limit the scope to emails only, your answer seems to deviate slightly from the prompt. This may be a small mistake, but try and avoid that too.... Always, align your writing with the prompt as much as possible. : )

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / I believe parents shape the way you see life! [3]

Hi Edana,

I want to comment on your essay structure as it is an important aspect, perhaps the most important one, in earning marks at the exam. Remember, you need to tackle this task within a given time frame which many candidates find inadequate. So you need to practice having these examination conditions in mind.

Well... your intro is good. It introduces the topic and states your opinion clearly. However your body paras do not contain specific examples for your reasons. This you need badly for your scores. I made some comments on Valency's threads where I elaborated how you need to handle these body paras. I suggest that you have a look at them to understand the structure I'm proposing for this task.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The Editing Instinct' - Letter of Intent, USC Annenberg School of Communication [2]

When my family and I went on college tours over spring break last year, we visited over 12 different campuses in a 5-day period.

How about "college hunting tours'' ? ;)

But, sooner rather than later, my "Editing Instinct" kicked in and I found myself with a red pen, circling typos and highlighting journalistic flaws.

.... smart one ;)

The papers with the fewest red slashes, such as USC, moved to the top of my college order of preference.

This implies that USC too had errors :D

written word

I guess this is a typo... is it "written world" ? ....Just check!

I think you've done a good job!
Good luck with your application!

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / Bilbo Baggins and Mr Frodo from the Lord of the Rings - UNC PROMPT [2]

Hi,

I think you have some issues with this answer.... First, it does not answer the prompt well because you do not talk anything about how these characters influenced your personality. The prompt itself stresses that fact and you need to tell them how you've been influenced.

Secondly, it has many grammar and structural issues... You better re-do this draft and post it so that we can help you with better.
First think about why you liked these characters and how they made an impact on your character.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / One Page of Taipei [2]

on a movie or something?
It's good to know ; )

In this movie, the director used a different way to show audience that Taipei is not only a modern city but also cute and romantic in her own way.

In this movie, the director deviates from presenting Taipei as just another modern city. He brings out its unique beauty and romantic mood very cleverly.

What is the purpose of this write up? Is it a review

The grand international exhibition is Taipei International Flora Exposition.

Don't understand this : (

Also, I think all of the people live in Taipei would be proud ~~of hosting~~to host this grand international exhibition.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Letters / My effort was to apply new strategies ; Cover letter for teaching assistant [2]

To Whom It May Concern:

Generally, when you apply for a career position, you do not use this phrase. It is better to write ; Dear Sir/ Madam

I am writing to apply for the position as teaching assistant at __

I wish to apply for the position of Teaching Assistant at your institution.

[quote=tuantran]I am graduate student at ___ working on the dissertation under direction of Professor X. I expect to complete all work for my PhD program by May of 2013. I believe that my teaching and tutoring experience, and my research background in architecture make me a strong candidate for the position outline in the job description

I am graduate student of UUU university who is reading for a PHD under the direction of Professor XXX . I hope to complete my PHD program together with the dissertation by May 2013.

Before admitted in _ program at __, I received my Bachelor of _ in 2011

... what I highlighted is irrelevant.
I did my Bachelors degree in 2011 in mmmm major.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Speeches / The Blight of Bullying and the Road to its End [2]

One year ago, ~~Ashlynn's~~her sister found her dead,

This word is getting repeated in close intervals.

Ashlynn stopped it by the only way she knew how.

I look forward to a future where EVERYONE will be treated graciously. I look forward to a future where kids like Ashlynn will never have to die again. I look forward to a future where people will stand up for those put down. And I believe we can seize this future together.

Great ending : )
Overall, it's a great job! I enjoyed every line of it.... You bring out the emotional aspect very strongly throughout the essay and effortlessly make us feel how dangerous bullying can be .... It will surely stay in the hearts of those who are going to listen to it : )

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / I was never the best Wordsmith ;University of Richmond Supplement Essay [3]

After elementary school, I had the friends that I believed would stick with me through the rest of my public schooling career.

After elementary school, I limited my friends to the ones in whom I could have had confidence that they would not leave me during my school career.

People that did not know me on a personal level

People who did not know me personally

Even when an English teacher grades a paper I wrote, I ~~feel~~felt uncomfortable.

... you are telling them something happened in the past... so keep it in past tense

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Essays / Candidates vs. Campaign Managers for a College English Class [2]

behind the scenes

This error repeats again in the proceeding paras.... Better make a note of it : )

The most powerful person behind the scenes, aside from, maybe, the candidate's spouse, is the campaign manager.

Other than the candidate's spouse, the most powerful person behind the scene is the campaign manager.

Campaign managers want to win just as wholeheartedly as the candidates themselves do

Presidential candidates in particular , work ~~alongside~~together with their campaign managers in order to run a successful campaign, in which the work is extremely different.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / politicians have the greatest influence on the world. [4]

Sorry... small mistake

resolving their national ~~interests~~issues

.... I just cut and pasted your line :D

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / I love the different facets of Taipei [4]

"I love the different facts of Taipei"and not "facets"

Hi Pahan,
It's not what he wrote, but we do edit the topics that are too short to sound more unique and catchy... This was our idea :D

aszxxccv talks of different features of Taipei and I guess your suggestion is more appropriate. Good call :D

Thanks!

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / I traveled to Poland; Peace Corps: Cross Cultural Essay [3]

brenden
I guess you are above the word limit : )

Each experience was different from the next. I can't say I had a true cross cultural experience with all of these times.

why not combine these two sentences and make one?
Each experience as different from the other though I cannot claim that all of them were true cross cultural experiences.

Many times this member was gone and I was faced with trying to communicate with no language skills Simple things like cooking dinner and doing laundry turned in to tough tasks.

Most of the time he was out putting me in devastating situations where I was almost lost in expressing myself to others even in simple tasks such as cooking or washing.

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Undergraduate / What about the less fortunate ones? SOP - Admission to SCAD [3]

Hi niakeith,
Here are my suggestions; : )

But what about the "less fortunate ones", do they not need to feel accepted also?

But what about the less fortunate ones? Don't they need to feel accepted?

I was often considered the 'vain' child in the family.

OMG! can this be true? :D

In my teenager eyes it was simple; At all times I must look my best, and if I don't the other girls will not accept me as one of them.

I changed punctuation : )

I wished my mother would spend just some of our money on flashy clothes, shoes, and ~~purses~~make-up

------------ I did that change it broaden your menu :D

dumi

Dec 4, 2012

Writing Feedback / Did Mother Goddess ever exist? stories circulating over 3000 to 4000 years before Christ [2]

Hi jcfriend;
Your essay caught my eyes because its topic aroused interest in me... However, I feel you have the potential to improve its presentation. Some of the sentences tend to be too long hurting a clear delivery of your idea... Also some are written a bit haphazardly : ( Just pay attention to these points!

Here are a few more suggestions for you;

No matter where we are on earth The Mother Goddess, is a force that inspires us an whole we want to worship something that gives us a peace of mind, hope, and peace.

What do you really try to mean by this phrase? What do you mean by the part in bold letters?

We all are part of wherever she is found, is an image that inspires and focuses a perception of the universe as an organic, sacred and indivisible whole, in which humanity, the Earth and all life on Earth participate as 'her children'.

Whereever she is found her image inspires the humanity and creates a perception of the universe as being an organic, sacred and indivisible place.

It seems very confusing when trying to see if there' s any truth ofin their being a Mother Goddess who ruled ~~over an~~a society ~~with women dominating~~ .

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Research Papers / Weight bias in healthcare and pregnancy -ENG102 Research paper [3]

Most people would agree that having a child should be a time for celebration and joy.

Good... interesting : )

a woman is overweight or obese, there may instead be worry and fear.

The part I have highlighted is a bit confusing... I cannot get your idea there : (

Healthcare providers are generally as prone to weight bias as other individuals in society, so women who are overweight or obese may be refused services or find services unavailable or difficult to access; be treated in a discriminatory, abusive manner, or other negative manner because of their weight; have facilities or options be unavailable; or be required to do or receive additional testing or substandard care due to weight bias and poorly evidenced practices during their pregnancies.

Healthcare providers, like ordinary people in the society, are generally biased with weight issues. Therefore, women who are overweight or obese can be often denied of their services or treated with discrimative and abusive manner. ....

you have listed so many things above and it is difficult for me to understand them seperately in order to accommodate them here... I think you are the best person to do that : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / politicians have the greatest influence on the world. [4]

Hi Valency,

Very good... but you have not stated your opinion : (
It is good to state your opinion in the introduction itself so that the reader (in your case he would be your examiner) would follow you with more ease. In fact you can take him in your desired direction. : )

This is the most recommended structure for this task;
1. Introduction - introduce your topic very briefly. State your opinion.(you can agree/ disagree or take a moderate stance)
2. 1st Body Para - Give your first reason as to why you hold that view. Give a specific example to support it.
3. 2nd Body Para - Your second reason +example
4. Conclusion - Sum up everything said above and re-instate your opinion.
I tried this out and got a real good score. This is the best way to manage time at the exam because time has a major bearing on everything you do at the exam. If you follow this structure in your practice essays, you can surely go for a flying score : )

Let's align your first body para as per the above structure;

There is no denying that politicians are the major parties in making strategic foreign policies to safeguard the national interests among the world and boost economic development of countries.(for me, both your reason and example are found in this line... i would be expanding this idea below... have a look! )Specifically, politicians, as lawmakers, are primarily responsible for utilizing their power enact international laws for maintaining social order of law-abiding citizens. A case in this point is the pressing task for them to solve the conflicts between the host countries and other countries. Apart from this, they are responsible for establishing sound economic systems and overall well beings of countries. A case in this point is deciding what financial policy should be adopted when countries are in the different stage of economic cycles. Consequently, those decisions made by representatives in the authority have a profound impact on stability not only one nation but also the whole world.

First, there is no doubt that politians have a great influence on the world. (this sentence is for you to align the prompt with your reason) They are the people who make strategic foreign policies that have profound influence on other countries as well. (this is your reason why you think politicians have an influencial role to play on the world ) In many instances we could observe that their policy making is more inclined towards resolving their national interests as well as safeguarging their own political interests. For example, Adolf Hitler's strong influence on systematic extermination and ethinic cleansing had the entire world wrapped with woes. (specific example )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / The challenges I faced being Hispanic; I fall under the most popular stereotypes [2]

Statistics say that being a hispanic girl from a low income family living in a neighborhood with a high rate of crimes means that I am destined to never get a college degree and not likely to have a well paying job.

This sentence is too long, therefore its clarity is greatly affected... Break it to few sentences so that it would flow nicely : )

As a young girl I chose to never allow these stereotypes to have an impact my life.

As a young girl, I never allowed those stereotypes to have any impact on my life.

It was a naive choice because at the time I didn't realize that I didn't create those stereotypes, others did that for me, however, that simple choice did set up my mentality to break every stereotype anyone imposed on me.

Again.... your sentences are too long dear... You make the reader exhausted by forcing him to memorize so much of stuff ... The reader doesn't like to do all that for you because he looks for easy cuts ... Keep him happy by shortening your sentences : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS--people prefer to follow sports events on TV rather than take part in sport [4]

increasing number of ~~citizens~~people tend to watch sports programs on TV

.... people is a better usage : )
There can be people who have been migrated but still on PR (permanat residency ) without obtaining citizenship :P ....LOL

However, some individuals point out that the public should control the sweeping trend

sweeping trend of what? ... specify : )

Good introduction.... you follow the right structure for intro + body paras + conclusion : )

You display excellent writing skills and vocabulary .... Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, should all children's leisure activities be educational? [2]

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational; otherwise they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree??

quote=my88626]Today, many parents want their children's leisure activities to have educational component, while their kids may just want to play during their leisure time. I disagree with this philosophy of education. [/quote]

Compare your prompt and the your first statement... Your statement covers only a part of the prompt . i.e. some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational... However, you dont cover the other part, i.e. they think that anything which does not contain an educational component is a waste of time is not implicated by saying kids love only fun. So as the reader, I have a question , what you don't agree with.

Try to set up a good alignment with your prompt always.... It's very important for this task : )

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / I am one of the twin sisters; making friends is merely sociable with others superficially [3]

Which one, is it the twin sister or your aunt, had a significant influence on you?

You talk about both of them and there is no clear link between them too.... I think you better choose one of these people and tell the reader how that person influenced you as a person.

I have a feeling this answer is not very much aligned with the prompt : (

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / I am a critical thinker pursuing a bioscience Major [2]

Using this strategy, I was able to narrow down my interests and began taking more science courses .

Applying this strategy, I narrowed down my diverse interests with more focus on science courses.

Consequently, I would spend hours on reading and preparing for each experiment to obtain the best possible yield.

By the end of the semester, I was shocked to find out how many concepts I understood and how easy it was to explain the disease to the class.

how easy it was to explain the disease to the class? ... I guess you can present this better ;)
....how easy it became explaining to the others.... or may be you have a better way of presenting it :D

You write very well! Good Luck!

dumi

Dec 3, 2012

Undergraduate / Dear Roommate - Hope you learned something about me! [5]

It really is difficult to describe a personality to someone, especially when it is describing your own.

It is really difficult to describe someone's personality in full and it is even worse when you try to describe your own.

temptation to become egotistical and arrogant is far too easy to fall to, so instead of trying to outright describe the type of person I am to you, I thought it would be clever to write you a short story of something that has happened in my life.

Hey ... this is really too long and confuse me a lot :D ... You better re-phrase it dear! : )

Maybe through it you will be able to see a bit of who I am, or I should say, I hope you can see.

This again is a confusing sentence.... I : (I only hope that you would get a glimpse of my charater and personality through this letter and the rest is of course you would find out through experience.