Writing Feedback / Debate Essay Morality and Legalality of Abortion Paper [3]

Abhay, due the the long post of this essay, I would like to focus on giving some feedback towards the first five paragraphs only. I hope you can follow through the descriptions about my corrections below:

- ...arguments to be fallacious and wrong.(choose one of them, using both words makes it redundant because those words have the same meaning.)
- One argument that I often seeis commonly known is the...
- ...recognizable to any individualindividuals who has read texts regarding classical...
- The main thingmatter/issue(thing is somewhat improper in academic writing, it will look less formal) that this argument...
- Laws are constantly changing and adapting to the times, (comma needed, since this is an additional idea) and it moral values that must be upheld, (comma needed) so that fair and just laws can be made.

- ...parents simply are not ready for a child, and that them not being ready for the child is ultimately to the child's detriment.they are not ready for the worst case that might be happened to the child.(confusing, I gave you an alternative option)

- ...so bad that it merits the ending of somethingssomeone's life?

As you can see, I did some contributions in correcting your grammatical range and accuracy. Good luck on revising that parts. :)

Writing Feedback / If the world was ruled by female leaders, it would have been peaceful. Is it true? [3]

Subi, I can see that you got a very-comprehensive feedback from one of EssayForum contributors. I hope you can follow through the remarks given. However, I do really like the development of your essay. It was well-developed and clearly depicts all the ideas to the reader. I also share the same opinion as Akbar does. The usage of 'many' seems too obvious and looks repetitive. Therefore, minor revisions have been given, and you only need to do a slight modification towards your essay.

If you ask about score, I reckon that it is somewhere between 23 out of 30. This is because your position is somewhat unclear by not mentioning clearly your side, either agree or disagree. You can put your clear position in the introduction part or conclusion paragraph. In addition, your body paragraphs were lack of conclusion. While first body paragraph ended up with only giving some examples, the second body paragraph was left behind without concluding sentence. These made your essay cannot reach a maximum score.

There you have it Subi, this is only my prediction and my feedback. Good luck for revising this essay :)

Writing Feedback / Inventors and doctors, both are important to our society and both are play their role wisely. [7]

Sorry for not explaining that part clearly. I thought that you have already understood about that one. It is actually a simple explanation.

Simple present tense formula:
(General truth / habitual action)
Subject + V1(s/es) + Object + Complement
Inventors play an important role in the society.

Adding 'are' makes the sentence incorrect.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that food adverts should be banned.Do you agree or disagree? [3]

Hi Zehra, welcome to EssayForum :) It is nice to see there are many new members everyday. I hope that you are able to participate further in this forum by conveying your thoughts and ideas towards other members' essays. Before giving corrections to your essay, I would like to say that it is better for you to separate the paragraphs by giving 1 space (1 enter). It will ease us to check your essay and you will get our feedback faster.

I am sorry to say that your essay is suffering from punctuation problems. Most of your punctuation marks, regarding to the usage of 'period, comma' are incorrect. Let me show you how to correct them by showing you a detailed corrections of your introduction, then you will notice that the rest of the essay is also need to be revised.

- Recently, food advertsadvertisements have become popular. Food adverts can be found (1 space needed after 'period')
- The pervasiveness of adverts alters people's lives in many ways. (another space problem) Whereas people ate... (period) , now. Now, food adverts advertisements is aare controversial. point.(1 space needed after period)

- Some people support that food adverts should be banned as adverts trigger unhealthy eating, (comma) and these foods is unaffordablenot affordable for the poor people . (space needed again after period) Other people advocate it ...

- However, in order to protect humans' health and poor people, (only 1 space needed not two) food adverts should be banned by government.

As seen, punctuation marks play an essential role towards writing. Therefore, it should be taken into your consideration. Good luck in finding similar errors on the rest of your essay. :)

Writing Feedback / Inventors and doctors, both are important to our society and both are play their role wisely. [7]

Hi Ram, if you ask about coherence problem, I can see that it is indeed problematical. Your grammatical inaccuracies made the paragraphs incoherent. Therefore, I would like to give you corrections regarding to the second and the third paragraph, and I hope you can learn valuable lesson by considering my feedback.

2nd paragraph:
- Firstly, inventors are play an enormous role in the society.
- Inventors are work had and inventedwork really hard by inventing many valuable inventions,new useful think such as computer, mobile phone and TV.
- These are the important inventions done by the inventors for the society, and people are usinguse it in their routine lifedaily routines in which people really dependent on it.; and they are rely on it.

- Inventors always findsfind thatthe way to make the thinks easier to accomplish the work in easiest way by the inventions.everything looks easier to be accomplished by using their inventions.

- However, inventors do not work alone . They always help to the doctors as well such asby inventing X-ray machine.

3rd paragraph:
- Secondly, doctors play important role in our society by curing the disease of their patients, to keep people well whenever they feel ill.
- If someone feel that they are not feeling good and their health not allows them to fit and healthy are unhealthy, that time people he or she confidently visits the hospital to expect to cure them by the doctor can cure them .

As seen, there were many grammatical inaccuracies that have been corrected. I hope you can follow through :)

Writing Feedback / A COMPARISON THE EFFECT OF DOMESTIC PREPARED AND IMPORTED HERBAL MEDICAL PRODUCTS IN FEED ON EGG PR [5]

After I gave you some corrections above regarding to your grammar, I think there is no major problem at all. It is understandable and very informative indeed. If you asking about my understanding about the essay, I can see that this is similar to an abstract. You are explaining the research from the first to the end of the research (result). The comparison about the effect of domestic prepared and imported herbal medical products was also clearly described by mentioning the data before treatment and after the treatment has been given.

Overall, it has already well-organized and understandable. You just need to follow through my corrections above regarding to your grammatical and punctuation errors. :)

Writing Feedback / A COMPARISON THE EFFECT OF DOMESTIC PREPARED AND IMPORTED HERBAL MEDICAL PRODUCTS IN FEED ON EGG PR [5]

Hi Tran, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the remarkable place to practice your writing by having peer-correction towards other members' essays. However, regarding to your essay, I would like to say that for a title, it is unnecessary to make it all in capital forms. You can only make the beginning of the word to be in capital forms. Let me give you an example "A comparison about the effect of Domestic Prepared and Imported Medical Products in Feed on Egg PR"

With regards to the grammatical range and accuracy, you can see the detailed descriptions of the corrections below:

- This study aimaims/has a purpose to evaluate the effects of the domestic herbal... (choose one of them)
- ...herbal medical products CP3, CP4, and CP5 provided by the Institute of Animal Sciences...
- ...herbal medical products of CP3, CP4, and CP5 were...
- ...aims to evaluate the effects of the domestic herbal medical products CP3, CP4, and CP5 provided by the Institute of Animal Sciences in the Southern Vietnam and tocompare their results with imported mixture (TDNN)... (should be parallel like this)

- ...(named DC0, DC1, CP3, CP4, and CP5)...
- ...herbal ingredients -(dash is unnecessary) had high...
- ...herbal medical products, the group fed... (you shouldn't give space before a comma)

As seen, most of the errors related to punctuation and grammar. I did some contributions in revising those parts. Good luck in revising this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Describe the diagram about nuclear reactor [3]

Furqanda, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The diagram reveals... (1st sentence)
There are two major equipment... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it is noticeable that,... (3rd sentence)

Bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the diagrams you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following still needs work.

In the final phase,... (1st sentence)
After being processed,... (2nd sentence)
Eventually,... (3rd sentence)

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / The usage of chemical materials in food-making and maintenance has become a debatable issue. [3]

Patric, before seeing the content, I would like to focus on your grammatical problems. Grammatical range and accuracy is one of the four essential scoring criteria of IELTS writing task 2 in public band descriptors. Therefore, the descriptions below are the errors and corrections from your essay.

- ...become a debatable issuesissue.
- For several casecases, it provides an impact for the food whilst others calculatescalculate the risk.
- Regarding to several statements, I highly likely believe that(highly likely is something that hasn't happened yet, it states a tendency or a willingness, but the action hasn't done yet. So, the meaning will be shifted, be careful) chemical materials have more drawbacks than benefits in the food-treatment. (this 'several statements' is unclear, you've never mentioned any statements before)

- ...the utilization of chemical materials for food-making should complybe compatible with the governance standard...
- ...carried out continuoslycontinuously might cause...
- ...add any various flavourflavours for the food...
- All of them might be used in a different way, but the impacts still have not found yet.(this is not a concluding sentence, for each body paragraph you need to make at least one if you want to reach band 6 or above.)

There you are Patric, I hope you get what you're looking for, a constructive feedback. The last two paragraphs will be the place for you and others to practice proofread or peer-corrections in order to improve their writing skills. Good luck for that :)

Undergraduate / Nepal is a lovely place to live in but can't provide a proper study environment - Canada Embassy SOP [7]

Rachana, I think there is no serious problem with the content of your essay. The flow of the ideas was pretty clear. However, there is no perfect writing after all. Some modifications are still needed to improve the quality of this essay. You can see the detailed descriptions about your mistake for each paragraph below:

1st paragraph
- ...from the very beginning of the day a child iswas born.
- ...never ending desire to learn new things day by dayeveryday / every single day.
- ...the trend of running child day care center in my society and findfinding a career path in this profession.

2nd paragraph
- Working and learning areis never ending process throughout the life.
- Fortunately,Similarly, I am on the same track... (similarly and same are different in meaning, I gave you an alternative word)
- From the knowledge of my experience as a teacher in my community, I feel like weI am stilllackleft behind... (inaccurate personal pronoun)

3rd paragraph
- Moreover, (comma needed) early childhood education...
- I was taught by using thein same traditional method, (additional information means you need to give a comma) and teachers around here follow the same methods as well. ('here' should be replaced by the exact place that you mean. This can be considered as unclear.)

- ...professional in our(the reader's country is not included, saying 'our' will sound over-generalized) country, (comma needed) so I have selected..

4th paragraph
- During my childhood time, weI and my friends/colleagues(the reader is not included in this 'we') did not get such opportunity...
- ButHowever, today, before admitting.. (avoid using coordinating conjunction in the middle of the sentence)

As you can see Rachana, I left the last paragraph for you or other members to practice themselves in correcting or giving feedback towards this essay. I hope you can follow through. Good luck in submitting this essay. :)

Undergraduate / Am I happy where I am in life? Am I the person I want to be? Transition from childhood to Adulthood [3]

David, welcome to EssayForum :)

With regards to your hesitation about not answering the prompt properly, I reckon that it depends on what is the purpose of this essay application. If it is about a scholarship application for getting a grant, I think "Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family." this question should be related to academic accomplishment or event, formal or informal, for example, it can be a formal/informal academic competition/event that you've joined in the past, and the transition can be about your experience. For instance, previously when you were a child, you always wanted to win a competition, and when you grew up, you think that "sometimes we win, sometimes we learn." This indicates that you've reached an adulthood, you learn from your past mistakes and try to get a new motivation to keep pursuing your dream.

As you can see David, that was my thought relating to your prompt. You can decide it by yourself, whether to continue using your current draft, or making a new one. Good Luck for that :)

Writing Feedback / The teenager's decision for having a paid work is not a poor decison at all. IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Patric, I would be happy to answer all your questions based on my own opinion to make you understand.

1. In discussion and give opinion type, do we have to create a conclusion since we have creat our opinion? (As far as I am concerned, we are allowed to give an opinion as well in the conclusion)

- Yes, conclusion is a must. But, you need to be careful, additional ideas in the concluding paragraph is not allowed. You just need to sum up all the ideas that you've mentioned in your body paragraphs. Remember, if you want to reach band 7 or above, ''no conclusions drawn (band 5) or unclear conclusion (band 6)'' are suggested to be avoided.

2. If we need an conclusion, can I put it into a same paragraph with my point of view? Or divide them into two paragraphs?
- It is usually in the same paragraph, and therefore you need to wrap it up in a paragraph rather than separate it.

3. Do we have to state our position about one view in introduction?
- Yes, you have to do that in order to show a clear stance towards the issue. Remember the criteria of band 7 "presents a clear position throughout the response" which means that since the beginning of the paragraph you need to state your clear position, and do not forget to re-state it again in 'conclusion paragraph'.

There you are Patric, I hope my answers can be helpful. Do not hesitate to ask further if you need clearer explanation.

Cheers :)

Scholarship / 'Dear Provost Committee on Scholarship Review' - Letter of appeal for college aid :) [3]

William, I do have some corrections in the descriptions below which perhaps you can take as your consideration in revising this letter.

- ...expense of a course taken during my co-op. (never let the reader questioning your sentence of an essay. co-op? what kind of co-op?)
- ...read this letter. I hope... (a space between sentence(s) is needed)
- First, I would like to detailexplain what the foundation year scholarship aid means to me.
- I'veI have been able experience and partake in... (avoid using contractions for a formal writing)
- You've mentioned 'as well as' 3 times in a paragraph. Try to alter it to avoid repetitions.
- In addition to that, in endeavorsI have struggled to achieve excellence in an effort to make an intellectual and valuable contribution across the globe. (fragment, missing subject)

- ...to partake in aan expatriate year...
- ...my co-op from July 5th to August 23rd.
- ...if I don'tdo not complete this class... (another contraction problem)
- if I do not complete this class, (comma needed) there is a chance that my application will not be accepted, (since it conveys different thoughts, comma is necessary) and I will have to drop out ofgo out from my program.

- At this point, (comma is necessary)having to dropgetting outoffrom my program...
- In addition, to hindering meI have to hinder from using the scholarship aid in the most meaningful way. (hinder? check the meaning again. why did you hinder to use a scholarship in the most meaningful way?)

- I'mI am afraid I will be unable to complete...
- ...and continue pursingpursuing my passion.

There you are William, I believe that you still need a lot of works to be done in revising this essay. Do not hesitate to upload the revision here, so that we can check it further. Good luck in revising this essay :)

Scholarship / My greatest appreciation to Chinese government to let Mongolian students grant scholarships [5]

Erdene, I reckon that you have gained some constructive feedback from EssayForum contributors. I do hope that you can follow through the feedback given in order to sharpen your writing skill, especially in composing a scholarship essay. However, we are here to help you by conveying our ideas and thoughts. Do not hesitate to give other members the same chance like what you've earned. Therefore, you are suggested to do a peer-correction towards other members' essays to boost your writing skills.

With regards to your essay, some modifications have been delivered by EF contributors team, but we need your revision to be uploaded below our comments. This is really fruitful to us because we can notice whether your essay is getting better or not. Perhaps, we can give some additional modifications to make it even better than your previous draft. So, good luck in revising your essay. We are here waiting for your revision.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / Tourism is an excellent way to develop a country, but it can also cause harm. How can countries ensu [3]

Azamat, if you wish to know what is your approximate band score for this writing. I would like to try to assess this essay based on writing task 2 band descriptors.

Task Response:
- it is indeed quite difficult to assess this part, since you didn't give the question of the task. However, if I see directly from the answers, I would say that you were able to address all parts of the task, but unfortunately the body paragraphs were imbalance. For instance, the first body and the third body paragraph have no conclusion, or unclear at the last sentence. This makes you hard to score more than 6.0.

Coherence and Cohesion
- over-using cohesive devices is really dangerous. (first and foremost, prevailingly, not surprisingly, obviously, for instance, admittedly, today, plainly, eventually, nonetheless) This is one of the negative feature of band 5.0. As I know, having one negative feature of a particular band means that you are not going to go beyond that score.

Lexical Resource
- you were tried to use less common vocabularies, but some inaccuracies occurred. This will not make you go further than 6.0

Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- Even though you've made some grammatical errors, fortunately it rarely reduced communication. You also used some variations of complex structures with a good control. By having one positive feature of band 7 and one negative feature of band 6. I think that in this part you are able to reach 6.5.

Therefore, overall score would approximately be 6.0. However, this is only a prediction, do not take it seriously. You can develop more on the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 (PRACTICE) - UNEMPLOYEMENT CAUSE AND HOW TO SOLVE IT? [3]

Nurul, I reckon that this essay (5 paragraphs) is quite different from other essays task 2 (4 paragraphs), but that is okay. There is no wrong or right in essay writing as long as you are able to answer all the questions given. Now, I would like to focus on correcting the first and the second of paragraph of your essay. You can see the detailed corrections below:

- ...give critical vital(inaccurate collocation)"important / significant | big / enormous / great / huge / major / strong / substantial | minor / modest / small | invaluable / positive / useful / valuable"(these are the list of proper adjective for 'contribution', you can choose one of them) contribution to rise upincrease the number of people that out of work in prior years.

- Many parties should hand in hand to solve this can of worms.(idiomatic expression is usually in spoken language, putting this in writing is not suggested)

- After giving explanationsabout why this phenomenon come upwere exist, iI(capital) will address...
- ...several solutions to solve take in action for solving this multi-dimensional problems. (solutions like what? at least give the general idea on this paragraph in order to make the reader know what are you going to write in body paragraphs)

- ...is one of the factors that...
- This is because (comma is unnecessary) people from rural areas have a will/willingness/tendency to increase their economy levelfinancial condition.
- ...a tendency to migratemigrating to the cities in finding theand search for some job vacancies .
- ...the unemployment rate has raisedrisen to 3.8%.
- ...the significant impact ofon the number...

As you can see Nurul, I do hope that my feedback can be taken as the consideration in helping you to enhance your writing skills, especially in IELTS. Good Luck for the next trial :)

Writing Feedback / The range of visitors who travelled Brighton attractions in England between 1980 and 2010. [3]

Lily, I notice that you still need to elaborate this essay further, since it only has 154 words. This is dangerous to be maintained as a habit. Make sure that you reach 165 or 190 words per essay to avoid incomplete task achievement. Remember, incomplete task achievement will directly lead your essay to band 5 or below.

With regards to your introduction, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The line chart illustrates...(1st sentence), It is measured in....(2nd sentence) Overall,...(3rd sentence)

Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

There you are Lily, I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good luck for the next practice :)

Graduate / "If there is will, there is a way" Statement of Purpose For PhD Abroad [3]

Shiva, I would like to say 'Welcome' to EssayForum :) This is a remarkable place to enhance your writing skills, especially in composing some essays, by doing peer-corrections towards other members' essays. You can see that many active members here are helping each other by sharing their best insights about writing. I hope that you don't stop participating after receiving valuable feedback from other members in this forum. :D

With regards to your essay, I would like to focus on the most noticeable errors first. You can see the detailed descriptions below:

- One quote is "If there is will, there is a way"If there is a will, there is a way.(if it is a really famous quotation with unknown / anonymous maker, I think it is unnecessary to put ''...'' there.)

- The aboveThese words play a key point in my learning. (in what? what kind of learning)
- ...who support me in each stage.(what stage? never left an unclear thought) examiner or reader is not a mind-reader
- I had so many questions on how our body is made, how it functionscan be functioned , how technology connectscan be connected to Biology. and want to know more about this.These questions arouse my curiosity to learn about ....... further.

- I decided to pursue my education in this field after completion upon completing of my school. (what school? secondary? first? university? another unclear detail)
- At that time,I hadtwo options, either Biotechnology or MBBS, had been confused my mind.that timeeither Biotechnology or MBBS.(you can use variations, personal pronoun 'I' for many times is not really interesting at all)

- I decided to prepare for one year for Master of surgery and Master of Science competitive exam.
- I got selected in some reputed universities but the fee is huge amount and my parents cannot afford it.
- I left that opportunities and then decided not to lost hope. I will achieve my goals and give my best.

Those three sentences started with personal pronoun "I". Let me give you some alternative options:
- Competitive examination for postgraduate degree in .... university had been long prepared by me.
- My parents couldn't afford a huge amount of tuition fee in some reputed universities, which then I was unable to continue my study.
- Losing hope has never been in my list. Therefore, I am still going to do my best in pursuing my future goals, especially in enrolling at some dream universities abroad.

Writing Feedback / World has changed speedily from manual era to digital era because of computers [3]

Aulia, for an 'agree or disagree' question like this, it is good that you've come up with the idea of choosing one particular side only. Completely agree or disagree is highly recommended rather than put your position in the middle of an issue in which this often leads to mistake. However, the thing that is necessary to be put in 'agree or disagree' question is concession. It indicates that your argument has a limitation and doesn't spread off the topic.

With regards to the development of your essay, another thing that you need to consider is the balance between each paragraph, especially body paragraph 1 (2nd paragraph) and body paragraph 2 (3rd paragraph). Your first body paragraph consists of more sentences and words rather than second body paragraph. This is also the major part of scoring system. My suggestion is that you can use this type of paragraph building.

Body paragraph 1

1. Topic Sentence
2. Explanation
3. Example
4. Concession

Body paragraph 2

1. Topic Sentence
2. Explanation
3. Example
4. Concession

Therefore, what you need to do before writing an essay is planning. By strictly following the organization of the paragraph, it will balance the idea between the first and the second body paragraph. Thus, your essay score will be enhanced, particularly in coherence and cohesion part. I hope you can follow through my suggestion. Good Luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Internet marketing of four different business retails in New Zeland is depicted in the pie chart [2]

Nurul, I notice that you've been using similar pattern of writing Task 1 like I usually write. This is an outstanding improvement anyway. I hope you can maintain this pattern of writing, since mastering 1 or 2 types of writing is better than frequently changing it. However, this essay still needs perfection, or modification. Therefore, I would come up with some corrections that you can check it below:

- ...retails in New ZelandZealand ... (spelling)
- The commerce in travel fallfell sharply to 16%... (remember, past tense)
- ...at 19% and 21% respectivelly.respectively/successively.(spelling)
- In the following ten years, However, the commerce of books increased to 22%. after ten years later.(I'm not quite sure about this, but putting 'after ten years later' makes the time signal is unclear. I gave an alternative option)

- The film/music business experienced a significant growth to the highest level of 33%, dominated the other sectorswhich appeared as the majority at the end of period. (I did an alteration to reduce repetitiveness from your previous paragraph)

As you can see, some modifications have been made to improve the quality of your writing. I hope you can follow through my feedback above. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Technology is very much a part of modern life. Check usage, structure and convention (Cbest writing) [2]

Erwin, it is nice to see your revision of this essay. I do realize that you've made some adjustments. However, for me, I think that the introduction paragraph (1st paragraph) is still raw because you didn't write a thesis statement. Unfortunately, you just simply paraphrase the question. Thus, I would come up with an alternative introduction for this essay. I hope I would be of help.

- Hook: Modern life and technology is inseparable.
- Paraphrase Q: While it is believed by some people that technology has exceeded its limit, others think that quality of life has been enhanced by the existence of technology.

- Thesis statement: Thus, I personally would argue that technology has influenced modern life more in the positive ways rather than negative owing to its convenient and easiness.

- Outline of the essay: Therefore, this essay will discuss the positive influence of technology further, which followed by reasoned conclusion.

Modern life and technology is inseparable. While it is believed by some people that technology has exceeded its limit, others think that quality of life has been enhanced by the existence of technology. Thus, I personally would argue that technology has influenced modern life more in the positive ways rather than negative owing to its convenient and easiness. Therefore, this essay will discuss the positive influence of technology further, which followed by reasoned conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Nature vs Nurture in Sharping People' Personalities and Developments [2]

Febri, I notice that you have gained impressive enhancement in IELTS writing. This is a remarkable achievement in a short time. However, you need to remember that enhancement doesn't mean your essay is perfect. You still have some flaws that still need to be reduced. Therefore, I would like to focus on giving you a feedback related to your errors, especially in sentence formation.

- ...they went through in their entire life. time
- ...experience plays a bigger roleproportion in sharping their.. (proportion is not something that can be played. I hope by noticing this part, you will be able to realize the danger of synonym.)

- ...certain personalities that they inherited geneticallygenetically inherited from...
- YetHowever , some of them also reflectedreflect ... (avoid using coordinating conjunction in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your essay becomes less formal)

- ...a child looks alikeliketo her mother.
- ...,but and inheritedinherits her father's height and complexion.
- ...they can still be fully developed by the timewhen he or she grows up .

As you can see, I hope you can follow through the corrections above (first and second paragraph) in order to improve your writing skill. Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / People tend to have a limited time in doing face-to-face communication with their friends [2]

Zelly, welcome to EssayForum :) This is a valuable place to enhance your writing skill by giving peer-corrections to other members' essays, especially in IELTS. I hope that after you get a constructive feedback, you will be able to share your insight towards other people too. However, if you need a score estimation, I would be happy to try to give you one.

In IELTS, there are four scoring criteria, such as Task Response/Achievement, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource, and Grammatical range and Accuracy. Those criteria are equally valuable and interdependent towards each other. Unfortunately, marking your task response or achievement is really difficult, since you didn't give the question of the essay. I encounter a difficulty to see whether your essay has already answered the question or not. Therefore, I would like to assess your grammatical range and accuracy only because it is the most noticeable part in your essay.

It is unfortunate that you made frequent errors in grammar and punctuation, and this errors confused the reader. You also tried to made some complex sentences, but sadly those sentences tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. These errors indicate that your essay had limited range of structures. Therefore, based on those errors, I'm sorry to say that this essay cannot go beyond 5.0. However, do not think that my assessment is valid, because this is just a prediction. Keep struggling for the next practice :)

Graduate / Energy Efficiency: Statement of Objectives for masters in microsystems engineering [4]

Murilo, welcome to EssayForum :) I would like to share my insights towards your essay, especially in first and second paragraph. This is the most crucial part in Statement of Objectives because it is the indicator whether the whole essay is interesting or not. Thus, you can see my detailed corrections in the descriptions below:

- My interest towards to sustainability emerged due to my fascination about efficiencyefficient sustainability inboth its environmental, economical and social impacts has increased exponentially.(the previous sentence was confusing, I gave you an alternative sentence)

- Efficiency can be seen as an ability to avoid waste, and therefore as an Electrical... (comma and cohesive devices are necessary)
- ...I am mostly concerned about energy efficiency. (to emphasize something, this is not convincing at all. "Mostly" means you still have limitation in expressing your concern. Perhaps it is still better to say 'I am really/interestingly/deeply concerned about...')

- Most ofAny human activityactivitiesisare based on some kind ofvarious types of energy, and mainly after the industrialization the humans becamebecome extremely dependent on electrical energy. (this sentence is a parallel sentence, you need to maintain the same grammatical tenses)

- ...society basedrelieditstheir energy sources on fossil fuel, however a deliberated usage has become a concern. (it is not recommended to put however in the middle of a sentence, somehow it leads to inaccuracy. You have to be careful, or perhaps you can separate it.)

There you are Murilo, I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good luck in revising this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 (Practice) - Who Should Take Responsibility for Juvenile Attitude [3]

Febri, by doing many readings on many of your essays, I do realize something. The problems which made your sentence structures confusing is that you had a difficulty in differentiating which one is the shared language or synonym of a sentence. Remember, shared language can't be changed by using synonym(s). You kept forcing them to be improperly placed, which then caused your essay is difficult to be understood by the reader. Therefore, I would like to share some tips regarding to the use of synonym to you below:

- You have to make sure that the word that you are going to change is 100% the same in meaning.
- Grammar must be correct if you change a word.
- Keywords sometimes can be tricky, be careful in switching or replacing one of those.
- Synonym is not the only way, you can define it by using your own words. People = individuals, chair = something that you can sit on.
- Repetitive is still better than using synonym incorrectly.

I hope by sharing some tips related to synonym, I can be of help. Good Luck for the next practice :)

Undergraduate / 'Pursuing a degree in Physical Therapy was never my first choice' SOP for Applying to PT school [3]

Kaitlyn, welcome to EssayForum :) It was nice to read your writing, it was quite interesting story. However, I have no idea how many words are actually the proper length of an SOP essay. I think that it was not this long, which approximately reached 1,100 words for an essay. The thing that you might probably want to erase is the detail of the story. It was too specific. My suggestion is that you can summarize your story and emphasizing some important points of the story rather than describes it all and makes the essay exceeds the limits. Now, you can see what I've found in your essay.

- ...and had worked really hadhard to be...
- ...but it was because of softball that I wanted to becomemade me wanted to be a Physical Therapist.
- ...and how to carefully care formy muscles were carefully taken care by me .
- One day in high school, (comma needed) a friend of mine got hurt...
- Thus, by becoming the person I wanted to be, I did some research. So being the person I am, I did some research.
- Ever since that day, my freshmen year of high school, Imade me never looked back on wanting to be a...
- I thought I newknew right there what I wanted to do...
- One day, (comma needed) I received a phone call which telling me that I had been...

As you can see, your sentence strucutre wasn't really problematical, since you have an outstanding grammatical control. Perhaps what you need to improve is about how can you summarize the details and stress the essential details of the story. I hope I can be of help :)

Writing Feedback / Pupils should be trained how to become a precedent parent. IELTS [3]

Nurul, I am going to focus on your introduction and first body paragraph. I think you still need a lot of works in revising this essay. Many sentences are still confusing the reader. You should remember that reader or examiner is not a mind reader, and therefore you need to make your sentence easy to understand. Do not force yourself to make a complicated sentence because it often leads to mistake if you do not have a good control of grammar. Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical errors, you can see the descriptions below.

- Pupils should be trained how to becomebea precedenta good parent. (be careful, precedent (noun) means an action, situation, or decision that has already happened and can be used as a reason why a similar action or decision should be performed or made, for example, There are several precedents for promoting people who don't have formal qualifications.)

- Therefore, (comma needed) many people argued that education institutions should provide some parenting programs related to parenting .
- One of the major reasons is that teenagers are physically mature, but their psychology are not.while the teenager years have covered physical maturity, but not with their psychological factor.(make it simpler in order to make the reader easy to understand)

- ...to face the complicated problem such parentingparenting problem .
- Therefore, it seemseems meaningless to introduce this course to students.
- Secondly,Another reason is that the subjects that have ever been taught in the school have enough imposes for learners.are imposed to learn exceed their limits.(putting 'secondly' should be followed by 'firstly', I give you an alternative answer)

As you can see Nurul, you can develop your writing by following my feedback above. I hope to see an improvement of your next essay practice soon. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / PROBLEM RELATED TO SMOKING AND A WAY TO OVERCOME - IELTS TASK 2 [3]

Devi, welcome to EssayForum :) I believe that you are here for seeking valuable outcome in improving your IELTS writing skills. You came to the right place. In this forum, you can get constructive feedback from other members, and you are suggested to convey your ideas through their essays too. This international peer-corrections helps you to enhance your writing skills, especially when it comes to IELTS writing.

Now, with regards to my corrections and feedback towards your introduction and 1st body paragraph, you can see the descriptions below:

- This phenomenon givegives negative impact fortowardschildrenchildren's health.
- Several alternatives can be implemented to cope withovercome this problem...
- ...cooking with simplysimple recipe and buying effectivelyeffectively buying kitchen appliances.
- ...many good nutrientnutrients for their...
- ...fried potatoes, and fried chikenchicken ...
- ...vitamin because of that children at risk obesity.are at obesity risk.(you seem have no idea when to use because and when to use because of. 'Because' followed by subject and verb, 'because of' followed by noun phrase)

- For instance, (comma needed) tomato sauce, chili sauce and mayonnaise... (why did you stop on example? you need to conclude this paragraph)

As you can see Devi, you still need a lot of works to do, I hope my feedback and corrections will be helpful. The last 2 paragraph you can proofread by yourself, or waiting the corrections from other members. Good Luck for the next practice :)

Research Papers / Global sourcing trends and re-shoring [3]

Patrick, welcome to EssayForum :) This is a perfect place to share all about essay writings. You can get multiple benefits by posting an essay, giving corrections, and delivering feedback towards other members' essays. Besides you will get constructive feedback from others, you will also unconsciously improve your writing skills. However, research paper is one of the categories in this forum which get less attention from others, and therefore you need to advertise your essay by correcting other people's work. The link to your essay will automatically appear under your comment/feedback, so that you can get a constructive feedback from others sooner.

With regards to your essay, it is quite long one. Perhaps what you can do for the next one is that you can only post specific part of your essay, and therefore other members will react faster to convey their ideas.

Writing Feedback / Opinion Editorial - The Rise of a Phoenix [9]

Antione, I assume that this is the revision from the previous essay that you've made. I have no further suggestion from the content because it was already good and interesting, the flow of ideas were also connected to each other. Frankly, I am a big fan of all superhero movies, either Marvel or DC, and I found this is fascinating. However, you were successfully attracted my curiosity by making me unconsciously googled this person.

With regards to your writing technique, I am just a little bit curious about what is actually the type of essay that you are working on, whether informal or a formal one. If it is a formal one, I think you need to omit all the contractions that you have made on this essay. Contractions makes your essay looks less formal. In addition, another thing is that the point of view. I am confused about the point of view of the writer, is it third person or what, because somehow you seem like talking to the reader. One more thing, regarding to quotation, direct and indirect speech, for example, "What an idiot", "Are you serious?", "I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under Phoenix Jones, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." who said all of these?

There you are Antione, I hope you can follow through my thoughts and insights about your essay. I can't wait to see your response towards my curiosity. :D

Writing Feedback / This diagram illustrates how a gas cooled nuclear reactor work to produce the steam [5]

Meirama, I would like to focus on the first and second paragraph of your essay. After you follow through my feedback, I believe that you can re-check or proofread your essay by yourself, especially the third paragraph. Now, for a breakdown of your mistakes and grammatical issues. You can see my descriptions below:

- ...how a gas cooled nuclear reactor workworks to produce the steam.
- Overall, it is clearly seen that, (comma needed)this is a diagram process cycle, so that the process are circling around.
- Moreover, the prominent feature are the reactor and the heat exchanger, which have each own role in cooling a nuclear reactor.

- A closer lookedanalysis at the picture,...
- ...uranium fuel elemenelement insides...
- baronBaron control rods isare used to... (be careful of capital letter and subject-verb agreement)
- inIn addition, there are 2 typetypes of gas (another capital letter and singular-plural problem)
- The cold gas is flowflowed from gas blower... (most of diagram process writing use passive voice)
- This part of process changedis altered the cool gas temperature and it turnturned to the hot gas.
- ...the hot gas is entered the heat exchanger tube.. (passive voice)
- theThe heat from hot gas...

There you are Meirama, I hope to see your upcoming essays practice of IELTS soon. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / The annual expenditures for five purposes in a British school in three different years [4]

Yichieh, welcome to EssayForum :) This is a remarkable place to practice your writing skills, especially in relation to IELTS and other types of essays. Moreover, I encourage you to actively participate in this forum by conveying meaningful feedback towards other members' essays. However, some feedback are considered unacceptable by this forum moderator if you are only write 1 or 2 sentences. Therefore, you need to do your best in delivering meaningful feedback by writing for at least a paragraph or more.

With regards to your essay, I think that this essay has already well-written. The flow of ideas were well-developed. Minor grammatical errors regarding to preposition were not interfered the whole process. The report summary was very clear and understandable. My suggestion for you is that, you only need to reduce your repetitive words by using some synonyms, and therefore you will be able to pass the exam with flying colors :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1- PIE and BAR CHARTS - proportion of male and female arrested in five years ending 1994 (%) [3]

Aulia, I would like to give a warm welcome to EssayForum :) This is a remarkable place to improve your writing skill, particularly in IELTS. However, I have reminded some of the new members who have registered in the same day as you that you need to be careful in giving comments or feedback towards other members' essays. Only 1 or 2 sentences comment will be considered as meaningless, and therefore you will be suspended. So, to avoid this issue, you need to make at least 3 sentences feedback or even a paragraph as long as you can show the weakness and strength of someone's essay.

With regards to your essay, I reckon that you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. You accidentally created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

The pie chart compares... (1st sentence)
It is noticeable that ... (2nd sentence)
Meanwhile... (3rd sentence)

There you are Aulia, I hope you can follow through my feedback in order to enhance your writing skill. I will be glad to see your upcoming essay practice after this one. Keep writing and Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task 1- The imprisonment percentage comparison between man and woman [5]

Novi, I would like to say welcome to EssayForum :) It is good to see a new member every single day, which means that this forum is growing bigger than ever before. I just want to remind all the new members to be careful in delivering feedback and corrections towards other members' essay. The rule of this forum is pretty clear. You are not allowed to convey meaningless feedback, which only consists of 1 or 2 sentences. There are a number of people who get suspended because they violate the rule. Therefore, you need to do the best that you can do in delivering feedback to others. Now, for a description of your errors, you can check it below.

- ...man and woman is revealed byin the diagram...
- ...the reason for most recent detention is depicted byin the bar chart...
- Both of the data were during five years endingcame between 1989 and 1994.
- Overall, it is immediately apparent that, (comma needed) man committed...
- ...public drinking was the mosthighest reason for detention botharresting man and women.
- To begin with the first data , man detention... (seems to me this is an unnecessary detail)
- ...was three more times bigger than women...
- ...public drinking was the most argumenthighest percentage reason why peopleof commit crime...
- ...whichwhile women saw the highesthigher percentage than man, at approximately 37% when and man above 30% for man .

I am just wondering why did you limit yourself by only creating 2 paragraphs. This is not a good idea after all, since you need to present a report summary as clear as possible. The number of words that you wrote was also worrying, 154 words were too risky. I suggest you to aim for 165 up to 200 words for this type of essay.

Cheers :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1; the percentage of persons arrested during 5 years / the reasons [2]

Siti, Welcome to EssayForum :) I am glad to see the spirit of a new member of this forum. This is a valuable place for you and all of us to improve our writing skills by giving corrections and feedback to other members' essays. However, you need to be careful that most of suspended members were giving meaningless feedback, which means they only gave 1 or 2 sentences feedback, or even shorter. So, you need to push yourself to give the best that you can in sharing some insights or thoughts towards other members' essays. Now, for a breakdown of your errors with some corrections, you can see the descriptions below.

- ...the percentage of mostlatest seven reasons for different genders.
- Overall, it can be clearly being seen that, / it can be seen that , the rate of men... (pick one of them, optional)
- ...the rate of men were arrested was higher than women.
- Following that, the mostlatest / newest / most recent reasons for arrests in every gender was a public drinking. (choose one of them, mentioning only 'most' doesn't convey the precise meaning)

- A closer looked at the bar chart, the percentage of males were arrested was higher than females.
- ...that were caused arrested persons.persons/people became arrested.
- ...females in the range 12 % (it should be 12% 'without space')

Siti, keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. So the following third paragraph still needs work.

On the other hand.... (1st sentence)
Next,... (2nd sentence)
In addition,... (3rd sentence)

Good luck for the next practice :)

Writing Feedback / Some people like doing work by hand. Others prefer using machines. Which do you prefer? [2]

Osamu, welcome to EssayForum :) This is the remarkable place to enhance writing skills by doing peer-corrections towards other members' essays. I do hope that you will be able to actively participate in this forum for the sake of your writing skills development.

With regards to your essay, I would like to say that this is already well-written. The ideas that you try to convey is very clear and understandable. I am just curious that this writing refers to what types of essay. Is it academic? or less formal one? since you often use personal pronoun in the whole essay. In my opinion, 'we' or 'our' can be considered as over-generalizing the subject, because not all 'we' or 'our' share the same opinion with the writer. Nevertheless, grammatical errors are a minor problem because most of your sentences are error-free. My suggestion is that you can improve this essay by reducing or omitting the use of contractions. This contractions make your essay become less formal. You can also avoid putting cohesive devices in the middle of the sentence, such as 'however'.

There you are Osamu, by doing several proofreads towards your essay, I think you can obtain a well-developed essay. So, good work on the more complex vocabulary and kudos for this essay. I hope to see more improvement with your upcoming essays :)

Scholarship / Selfie culture threatened environment [5]

Andini, I notice that the revision has already well-written. It also has been developed clearly by you. The essay has answered the question pretty well, by mentioning that careless act of selfie can pose a threat towards the environment, with a good elaboration. However, I am just wondering, why don't you write a conclusion paragraph in order to wrap up all the explanation given? I think it will be beneficial, since the length of words are still below 200.

Few grammatical issues that I still find:
- ...the easiness of browsing. Especiallybrowsing, especially news, which spread rapidly.
- These 2 pictures indicate that which selfie can pose a threaten threat towards the environment.

There you are Andini, it depends on you yourself, either create an additional conclusion paragraph, or just send the essay directly after the last revision.

Good Luck :)

Scholarship / Selfie culture threatened environment [5]

Andini, Welcome to EssayForum :) This is the place where you can get constructive feedback towards any types of essay. I hope you can keep practicing by posting some essays or correcting other people's essays in this forum. This will be beneficial towards your writing skill enhancement. Now, for a breakdown of my corrections and feedback, you can check the descriptions below:

- Social media connect people around the world withoutwith limitless border. (I assume that this is a hook)
- No more distances separate any districts.(if you have a plan to narrow down the focus, world > country > city > district. If you directly jump to district, it will be considered as a jumping idea, or you can just delete this sentence)

- In other side, people love selfie, sharing their photos, and communicating with other friends.(jumping idea, the previous sentence talks about social media, while the next sentence talks about selfie, share photos, and communication, let me give you an alternative sentence)

This border-less connection triggers people to share their thoughts and experience through social media. For example, people have a great tendency to share their photos, particularly selfie pictures, and communicate with other friends.

- WePeople can see what is happeninginon the other side of the world in realno time because everything isdue to the easiness of browsing.easy to browse

- especially news, which spread very fast in "seconds"rapidly . (I have no idea what is the point by giving quotation mark here, I think it is better to omit it)

- This is also happen for sharing photos with any purposes because nowadays(sorry to say, but this is confusing, let me paraphrase it)
Moreover, sharing selfie photos has become a part of a culture these days. People love to share their photos wherever they go.
- These 2 pictures are just sample of caseindicate thatwhichselfie can pose athreatenedthreattowards the environment.
- This is ourall people's responsibility to protect ourtheir environment from those irresponsible and careless acts.kinds of illogic reasons .
- It is fine to commemorate any single of our activities and to share any good places to our friends.(let me give you an alternative sentence)

- There is nothing wrong in commemorating experience and share it in public, but people should take environment protection into their consideration in order to preserve the environment for the sake of sustainable surroundings in the future.

As you can see Andini, you still need a lot of works to be done in revising your essay. Do not hesitate to ask some questions in relation to my feedback. I hope to see the revision soon.

Cheers :)

Scholarship / Objectives upon completion of degree / Contribution to the home country as an effect of scholarship. [8]

Sawsan, before seeing the essay content, I would to give you some corrections and feedback towards your grammatical range and accuracy. This will be beneficial, since the examiner will also consider how well-organized your essay is. So, I assume that you need a lot of works done to revise this essay in a short period of time, because you need to send it as soon as possible. However, I think that perhaps if you need a quick assistance towards your essay, you can put your essay as an urgent essay, and therefore your essay will get a comprehensive, professional, and constructive feedback from one of our best contributors in this forum.

Concerning grammar and punctuation errors, you can check the descriptions below:
- instead of this ...forbidden prize,Glory in hardship , sloth in comfort lies . it should be like this ...forbidden prize, glory in hardship and sloth in comfort lies.(You can clearly notice that space and commas are essential, meaning can be shifted if you carelessly put commas and spaces)

- Em'enence is not with cheap comfort bought ,hear the ... it should be like this Em'enence is not with cheap comfort bought, hear the... (same issue as above)

- ''AlMutanabbi, Arabic poet'' (space needed)
- ...the founder of compaigncampaign and... (spelling error)

instead of this:
my previous college faculty of applied science
... during the three wars on Gaza city .

better like this:
my previous college faculty of applied science through my studying undergraduate degree that gives me a sense of purpose and achievement, whilst enabling me to communicate in an emphatic and systematic manners, i have learnt how to take control and organise different activities. I have always been interested in the well-being of others reaching to translator during the three wars on Gaza city.

- despiteDespite the dangerous situation where I was i knew i that I will be killed because all wars against my city were the most aggressive, it targeted everything thatcan be moved.

instead of this:
This experience taught me love to live in hate of death ..

better like this:
This experience taught me love to live in hate of death. It is further supported me by my work in speech and writing, when I have both delivered and judged speeches and debates, teaching me how to assess objectively and give constructive and positive feedback.

There you are Sawsan, for the rest of the essay, you can re-check and do proofread in order to make your essay better. I have read the content, I notice that the story in your essay was really touching experience. You were struggling hard to learn many things, especially in relation to pursuing academic achievements in the middle of the war. I hope that you can get this scholarship in order to contribute more in your home country in Palestine. Good Luck :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 (Practice) - The Ratio of the Highest Education Level of Women in 1945 and 1995 [3]

Febriyani, seems to me that you have many writing projects yesterday. This is good, as long as you keep giving your best effort to deliver a meaningful feedback towards other members' essays. Just avoid posting meaningless feedback, which usually consists of 1 sentence, or even shorter. However, concerning to your essay, I think some grammatical problems can be eradicated after several or many practices. This will make you aware that grammar is essential in IELTS, since grammar becomes one of the four crucial scoring criteria. Now, for a breakdown of your grammatical issues, you can see the descriptions below, with corrections and feedback applied.

- ...women in someland inbetween 1945 and 1995. (inaccurate preposition)
- Overall, it is obviously seen that, (comma needed) there was a significant...
- ...in 1955 compared to in 50 years earlier,...
- ByIn 1995, the percentage of women...
- ...dominated the whole proportion withat 50%,...
- ...grade levels withat 35% each.
- And so didIn addition/moreover/additionally, the level of 12 years education... (placing coordinating conjunction 'and' in the beginning of the sentence will make it less formal)

- ...was 9 years education withat roughly 10%.

There you are Febriyani, I hope you can follow through the corrections and mind the feedback that I have delivered to you.

Cheers :)