Essays / Need Help on Essay Topic ( Chinese Revolution / Mao Zedong) [5]

Hi Andrew,

I think you need to do a little bit of research here... Why not gather information about the issues China had before the revolution, how the communist government tackeled them, how has it progressed, how Mao provided leadership to China's fast economic growth etc. (you may find lots of blogs on internet :)

Then decide whether you agree that this period under Mao's leadershop, contributed China to accomplish a more equal, more prosperous and more free society. If you agree, find reasons from the literature you read already. Provide evidence. If you don't, again give reasons and provide evidence. :)

Writing Feedback / 'parents should be aware of the type of children's environment' - ILET [7]

Both the characteristics we were born with a long withand the ones we acquire by our own experiences affect our personalities and self developments in a certain amount.ways.

Although we cannot specifyspecifically determine how much each one affects our development, I believe that experience might be the most important contributor in developing our personalities than the characteristics we were born with due to several factors that will be mentioneddiscussed in the following paragraphs.

Researches indicate that the personality of any child is categorized in the first three years of his or her life.


I agree with Saidakhror.... This para tends to confuse the reader who is looking for your reasons why you think one's experience have a greater bearing on personlity than born talents. Not only this para doesn't provide the reader with a clear reason but also it does'nt offer him specific examples or evidence to be convinced that you hold a valid view.

Essays / career goalsand/What role the University Motto & Honor Code will play- QUEENS UNI [5]

Yes.... Michael's point is very valid. First get a good understanding about its existing community, motto and honor system by doing a little bit of references and research. Then try to link your characteristics, interests, goals, aspirations etc. to them... Tell them how they can influence you to pursue your dreams and broaden your perspectives while how you too would be an asset to them :)

Writing Feedback / movies and television positive and negative effects; 'distracts young people' [3]

Therefore influencesfromof movies and television, therefore,have has grown exponentially on young people's behavior.

From my point of view, I believe that movies and television have harmful effects on young people than a favorable effect.----------- I like the way you state your opinion.... It is very direct and clear and the reader now exactly know your view on this and set his mind to follow the rest of your essay in this direction. :)

To begin with, television distracts young people who need to concentrate on their school workstudies . ------- I feel "studies" sounds better :)

Because young children are lack of self control and therefore cannot decideing when to stop, if they start watching television, it is hard to stop and make them staying away from it and focus on what they are supposed to do.they would easily be addicted to watching television or movies that would adversly affect their studies . ------------ Try to avoid writing too lengthy sentences because that will harm the clarity of your idea.

Even if their parents force them to turn off the television and get back to studying, their mind and attention are with the show that they are addicted to it.may still be with it.

I suggest you to leave one blank line between paragraphs because that would give a more neat and tidy look to your essay. It's a good practice that will help you at the real exam too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Space travel and our routine life [2]

AroundIn the 16th century, human acrossman conquered the sea andfindfoundthe new land successful.

Plenty of land and naturenatural resources had been discovered.

The first few countries landingnations that foundon the new land had dominated the rest of world for nearly 400 years.

Today, the far-reaching impacts of the discovery still exist. Considering the lack of land and nature resource, it is extremely urgent to explore outside the Earth.------- Are you trying to say;

These discoveries had helped man find answeres for the issues relating to limited land and natural resources on earth. However, with the massive increase in human population, the time has come for the mankind to explore possiblities of colonization outside our planet.

Writing Feedback / 'education, production and entertainment' - ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF COMPUTERS [7]

Nowadays,tT echnologyical advancementis rapidly being developed andhas resulted in inventions of moremany machines and devicesare invented everydayto assist handling human needs more effectively and efficiently.(make a stop here ) and one ofHowever, the most influential machines hasthat have ever been invented is are the computers which isare used by millions of people all over the world.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - 'disagree with building the new military base here' [2]

In conclusion, military base camps givebring a lot of disadvantages to the people.

The last reason I disagree with this military camp near the community is that it can hinder the development of community economy. The military camps restrict a lot of things which isare related to the community development, such as construction theof roadsand commercial buildings. It cannot give any benefit for the people.It can ruin the

economyic development. As I mentioned before, as soon as the base camp is set up, the income from touristm industry also would disappeared since the base camp restrict the entry of tourists.

Student Talk / How do you define a good writer or a beginner writer? [7]

I quite agree with what Sudhir said... Writer's successfulness depends on how he is received by the readers. So he's got to maintain the reader's interest and curiosity throughout his writing and should not let any room for the reader to feel boring. So this demands that the writer should be creative and presents his writing in a very unique style that captures reader's heart. To accomplish this level of writing, of course the writer needs everything that Ahmad mentioned. :)

Writing Feedback / Does advertising make people be the same? [3]

Very impressive start.

critisms against advertisementadvertising---------- criticisms ... a typo :) and I replaced the word advertisement with "advertising" because that sounds better

Below are arguments against this allegation. ------- This is the only weak sentence I found in your intro because you are already asked by the prompt whether you agree on this argument or not. You need to clearly establish your opinion here and then support your opinion with reasons and specific examples in the body paras. So why not have a strong statement in the intro stressing your view on the argument and take your reader in that path in the body paras?

You display strong skills in English writing. Your essay contain very valid and strong ideas and I enjoyed reading it. Just pay attention to its structure :)

Good Luck!

Graduate / 'global communications and interdependent economies' (Business and finance admission) [3]

Who would have thought someone who had been a science student in her secondary school days could end up in the management session.----------------- Say this differently because there are many high school science students end up with management studies and truly speaking, I'm one of them.... so it is not something that can happen very rarely.

I have always loved economics despite dthe fact that I was a science student.

It always intrigues me to learn about everyday happenings, what we can see and learn from (what? life? environment? ...) rather than imagining what happens or making inferences.

Writing Feedback / 'a great political leader must have wits and tact' - Gre issue essay [4]

Impressive intro :)

While tacts and wits are not skills that are born with, experience, especially experience solving challenges, becomes the most important qualification of a political leader.

A political leader often needs to communicate with other diplomats and a good communication will result in a good relationship between countries.--------- in my view, it is the sound diplomacy that helps build good relationships with other countries... politicians are generally good at communicating.... otherwise they cannot come to power.... but not all of them are good diplomats and their diplomatic skills can be seen only after they are elected

Good writing ! :)

Undergraduate / 'I wear a scarf' - University of Michigan: your community and your place in it [5]

Hi,

I wish to request you to avoid sms typing in your threads on EF forum. Here it is more serious and formal writing and we all have got to respect that. I tried to give my comments on your writing but found it is difficult to follow. :(

Writing Feedback / A college or university should be open for every student or only for good ones? [2]

I like the intro :)

Firstly, pursuing a career and getting becoming successesful in life is a human right that needs to be secured by every government.... Your idea doesn't flow well here...and I feel it is a bit out of topic. Also, I recommend you to use "First" instead of "Firstly".... I remember someone arguing with me why "Firstly" is not appropriate.... I really couldn't give an answer.... but I personally feel First sounds better.... Hope one of the moderators (Susan or Kevin) would help us with this :)

However, this will lead to several serious drawbacks to people who do not qualify the university's requirements. --------- Again think of rephrasing this sentence.... I suggest;

However, if everybody is allowed to follow degree courses irrespective of whether they qualify to meet university requirments or not, those who don't qualify may face serious issues

For example, if someone who is not good at math, physics or chemistry but were is allowed to study in technical universityfollow an engineering degree , he/she would find it very difficult to understand. If this lasted long, he/she wouldhard to pursue the degree and befeel demoralized and would be very likely to drop-out.

Here you have provided a good and specific example :)

university' education quality. ------- quality of education of the universtiy

quality of South African Education has been decreaseddeteriorated seriously.

Good conclusion :)

Graduate / 'great responsibility' - CASPA- your motivation towards becoming a PA? [3]

Finally, I went to my doctor's office one time for the same reason again seeking some medicine to reliefrelieve my pain.

A few days later I got a call from my doctor's office to inform me that my blood work result iswas positive, but I was not told any more details.

but will allow me to learn to use my natural skills and experience to the best of my ability.

Touching the lives of others as a PA and knowing that I am needed in someone's life will be greatly fulfilling.is such a contented and inspiring feeling.

PA is more than a profession of integrity and compassion, it is a privilege. ------ beautiful.... a very strong sentence :)

Speeches / Graduation Speech - "The Present" [5]

Enjoyed reading your speech... well done...

Since you talk about living in present, though of sharing this quote of Lord Buddha;

"Do not dwell in the past because it is already dead and gone, do not dream of the future because future is not yet born, concentrate the mind on the present moment and live in the present wisely and earnestly. - Lord Buddha

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Encourage to take private health care insurance or maintain free health care systems? [4]

okkkkkkk.... now I get your point :)

especially during the period that the price of health care services and variety of medicine keeps increasing and there is no sign of fallingany downward trend.

The arguments surrounding this issue will hence be discussed in my essay.--------------- Again I prefer if you clearly tell your opinion to the reader so that he's more focussed to follow your reasons. I suggest ;

In my opinion, it is important to have the presence of both private insurance and free medical schemes in order to address the issues related to health requirements of a country. The following reasons would help me reinstate my opinion;------ you can even avoid the second sentence :)

Writing Feedback / Isolation of a country from their neighbors abroad can only cause issues in the long run [4]

Some might feel that onea country should isolate itself from the others' so that they are not disturbed by the negative happenings in their neighborhood. ------ great sentence ! :)

However, in my view, every country should engage each others in many activities. This will be beneficial for bothall the countries in a number ofmany ways. They aresuch as sharing new technology, trade relations and information exchange. ----------------- Very impressive introduction... lots of good ideas and you tell the reader clearly about your view on this argument

Writing Feedback / Should Students (not administrators) control their own education? [3]

Hi Sudhir,

Even though it is important that students should be given full control in planning their education, however, I feel that some control need to be allotted to the teachers or the administrators because that would be beneficial for the students in a number of ways.

This would helpful the students in a number of ways. ------------ In your previous sentence you say it would be beneficial to students and therefore this sentence becomes redundant.

In the early age, students have thetend to be carried away by their passion to doof doing things.


Your theme is not about guidance.... it is about whether students need full control over their education or the administrators... so you've got to link this idea with your argument, otherwise it may sound not relevant. Why not say ;

To begin with, students need some freedom to choose what they want to study because if they are forced to pursue something against their intersts they may become total failures in life.

one of my friends was good in playing musical instruments --------------- I can see that you have improved your structure by trying to give specific examples which is a very good sign of improving your writing. :)

But, as not beingbecause he was not good in studies he was forced by his parents to concentrate more on exams.

As a result he leftabandoned his interest in music.------- abandon is a better word to use here :)

In addition, students need to follow some rules shownset on them by teachers and administrators in order to be more diciplined.

They dodid not utilize thistheir time effectively rather would freak in college canteen. -------- this example in the second para is very impressive. End it with an impressive sentence that again link the reader to your reason;

Had there been minimum attendance rules where students need to attend at least minimum number of classes for each subject they would not have done this.been saved from this mischief which affected their studies badly.

Since you take a moderate stance that students also should be given some amount of control while the presence of administrators also there, you need to talk both sides very briefly in your conclusion.

However, it's a good essay and you keep improving :)

Letters / Complain about a mobile phone problem letter [2]

Dear Sir/or Madam, .... Dear Sir/ Madam
I bought a mobile phone infrom your shop

when I was on a weekend travel.-------- tell them the exact date that would help them find the details of sale from their records and attend to your request.

On the day I arrived home the mobile phone screen turned blackI found the screen display is not functioning .

I can only make calls to someonepeople whose numbers I know in advance.

Writing Feedback / TEACHERS SHOULD NOT DISTURB THEIR STUDENTS QUESTIONING [9]

I just dropped you a mail.... hope u recieved it :)

Writing Feedback / Encourage to take private health care insurance or maintain free health care systems? [4]

There is no doubt that taking out private health insurance or maintaining the free health care system with free health care services,during the period that the price of health care services and variety of medicine keeps increasing and there is no sign of falling down, is an issue of much controversy.------ this is too long dear.... it reduces the reader's enthusiasm. The reader has to put lots of effort to understand what you try to say. :(

To begin with, giving free health care services to wealthy people who can afford orand even they are willing to pay for good services is a waste of tax payers' money.--------- good :)

Secondly, people who pay for insurance premiums havewould recieve better services which free health care services cannot offer; such as they can select the best hospitals.

Thirdly, paying insurance fees is one of the practical actions to help to lightenease off the government's financial burden.

Through out the essay you offer logical reasons for both sides of the argument. They are very good. However, your examples are not very specific. I note this fact in your other essays too. I think you need to pay attention to your examples since these exams require you to support your arguments with specific examples. By the way, I dropped you a mail to your personal e-mail and hope you have received it. :)

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'change is a great investment for everyone' - GRE essay [4]

The education system in Malaysia faced a big change in the year 2002- All, in which year all science subjects arebegan to be taught in English instead of in Malay language.

Moving away from a city to a country side might be a start.

Just a few points for your thoughts;
We live in a very dynamic world where change is inevitable. If you analyse the evolution of all living beings, those who were able to adapt to new environments survived and those who couldn't became extinct. So accepting change as a natural phenomenon is important for people to manage it well. Those who resist change fearing it would upset the existing system would not progress as they try to stay constant in an equation which has so many variables.

Writing Feedback / TEACHERS SHOULD NOT DISTURB THEIR STUDENTS QUESTIONING [9]

Of course you can be very effective in your writing soon :) Just have confidence and move forward.... I shall write to you soon :)

Writing Feedback / When people depend too much on their government, it leads to dire consequences [4]

Hence, the prosperity of a nation not only depend on the collective efforts of administrative authorities of a countrycities and countries having together , but also on that of the dwellers of those municipalities.citizens of that country.

Some people believe that the government should take care of everything in the country. However, some people do not. -------------- in your previous sentences you have already expressed your view on this. So, if you need to include this sentence, it should come before expressing your opinion.

One of the famous historical figures, Peter Benenson who made the world an astonishing place by taking the responsibility to solve a problem.

He took the responsibility bychallenge of telling the worldwritinga letter to his new paper in his down town about what's happening in Portugal by his article published in his down town news paper.

Writing Feedback / 'The house' - IELTS, A letter to ask your friend for help. [5]

You start your letter asking help from your friend. I think it is better to be more polite and ask how he's doing before coming to your request for him.

Could you please find an appropriate house in the neighbourhood of my jobwork place ? ... you have to tell your friend where your office is located, otherwise he would not know.

Or in the downtown district where I can foundfind what I need, like DVD's shop, gym club and a park where I can relax sometimes.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:both books recording real things and imaginative things is worth reading. [2]

But if we read books that record fabricated facts like what had been wrotewritten in the autographautobiography of Hitler,

The unfortunate consequences arising fromout of misleading facts in such autobiography may encourageis that millions of people to fight for this viciousruthless leader.

As a matter of fact, we can benefit from them too.

Writing Feedback / TEACHERS SHOULD NOT DISTURB THEIR STUDENTS QUESTIONING [9]

Sure.... I will drop you a mail soon.... Glad to offer you help if you need :)

Writing Feedback / Children with different levels of intelligence should be taught separately??? [11]

sure... i will drop you a mail soon :)

Writing Feedback / Children with different levels of intelligence should be taught separately??? [11]

Dear Hung Vu,

I think the first thing to tackle this time management issue is stop worrying about it... with practice it automatically picks up. When you write essays, keep time and do your first draft. Don't be disappointed by not being able to finish it nicely. However, redo the essay until it gets a good finish. There are some hints I can give and even can offer more help for you needed. If you need my assistance, tell me I can give you my personal e-mail so that we can have a more focused discussion. I have no hesitation in helping you as I love your style of writing and also admire your enthusiasm on improving your writing skills. It's my pleasure :)

Also by reading other's essays and the comments provided for them, you would get a good insight about writing this type of essays. That way you can collect ideas on different themes as well. Let me know you need my e-mail contact :)

Writing Feedback / TEACHERS SHOULD NOT DISTURB THEIR STUDENTS QUESTIONING [9]

Well Sudir, I don't think I'm good at rating because I have no experience in doing so :D ... anyway, I can help you with editing and giving you advice and ideas about structure, vocabulary and grammar etc.

Your following sentences have a few mistakes;
I do believe that teacher should answer every small or big questions of an individual. This is to train a student's mind in judgingto judge what is good and bad for them ------------- every refers to a singular character.... e.g. every day, every man, every building .... you don't say - every days or men or buildings

Also I suggest the following structure for IELTS and TOEFL essays and believe that it helps you score marks easily. I did TOEFL and scored 29/30 by merely following this structure. That's my experience and should work with you too :)

Writing Feedback / Children with different levels of intelligence should be taught separately??? [11]

Hi

It goes without saying that children education is an issue of much controversialy.---------------------------------------e.g. His speech was very controversial, there is a controversy over the new appointments.

Some people think that children should be taught equally together regardless of their different intelligence levels . Whileintellectual capacities while some others claim that it is not appropriate. --------- it has to be one sentence... i also did a small replacement :)

While it is true that studying together may help young learners to develop their sense of harmony ?????????????. ------------------- While is used to combine two actions or balance contrasting ideas. For example; She called me while I was having dinner, While I love to spend time with my mother, I don't like her treating me like a small kid. ... So, your sentence is incomplete.... I suggest;

While it is true that studying together may help young learners develop their sense of harmony, it may not be fair by the bright students who would progress faster if they learn together with children of equal intellectual capacity.

However, this also has a lot ofmany serious defectsdrawbacks such as de-motivation, demoralization and weariness.
"How come my friends can answer such difficult questions but theythat I cannot?"
"Why other people can resolve the exercises but I cannot?", "The teacher is teaching to fast, I cannot understand what he is talking about", "Am I really a loser?" ---------- these examples become redundant by the first one... avoid too many examples, one strong is more than enough :)

If this situation lasts long,

In contrast, those who are more intelligent feel restricted in terms of intellectual freedom.

Also you have not provided a specific example for your argument. You would score marks for that. Give more specific examples rather than general and theoretical ones... Just follow this link, which is one of my threads, in which I've done a similar type of essay... If you read it, you may understand what I'm trying to tell ;

Can see that you have improved your structure.... it is the way to move forward... as I always say, ''you can write well''
:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2-- old buildings should be knocked down? [6]

Some people assert that old buildings should notbe in the way ofreplaced by new buildings. ------------- '' in the way'' seems to confuse the reader

I could not agree, especially for the old but stable buildings. ------------- this sentence should sound more powerful because it is your view on this argument. It needs to have a punch :)

I cannot agree with this generalization because some old buildings , especially the ones with rich historical value, needs to be preserved and protected. :)

Writing Feedback / 'Scientists renew people daily life' - IELTS [5]

...art can cultivates a more relax and positive approach to life.

After the nourishing of art ------------- this part doesn't sound right .... what do you mean by "nourishing of art'' ?

Art exerciseencouragesthecreative imagination Imagination.that helps build a better world for the people in terms of peace and harmony.------------ when you say a specific attribute of art which outperforms science, tell the reader about its benefits to the society. Your prompt expects that.

Writing Feedback / TEACHERS SHOULD NOT DISTURB THEIR STUDENTS QUESTIONING [9]

Teacher is an interface for students to know the world. It is theirthe teacher's(in the earlier sentence you kept the teacher in singular form. So it doesn't refer to "they" which is a plural form ) responsibility to guide students so that they move in the right direction.----------- you need to state whether you agree or disagree with the statement in your introduction.

If a youngster does not understand simple concepts

he might face difficulties later on in his life.

For example, if a student does not understand the concept offundamental physics theories such as Newton's three laws then it would be difficult for him to understand more complex and advanced theoriesphysicsconceptin his higher classes.as he proceeds to higher levels of study.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] - living on campus in a dormitory is the best choice to live the campus life. [4]

I think Susan has provided you with very important advice :)

Hence, you need rules to make sure you are not get into troubles (no colon here) because of your easy-going campus life.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Are books more important than experience? [3]

It has been said, "Not everything that is learned is contained in books". ------------- I think you may loose marks if you repeat the theme as it is. Say it differently. For example;

There is a saying "Not everything that is learned is contained in books".
I totally subscribetoagree with this view for the following rationales.

Writing Feedback / 'right to agree to disagree' - Presidental Election 2012 essay [2]

Currently with an approval rating at less than fifty percent, many would say that President Obama has several weaknesses, but along the way we have also see his strengths exhibited by the accomplishments he has achieved while induring his first term.

I like your writing style.... simple,clear and interesting!
I enjoyed reading this !! :)

Writing Feedback / Changing jobs frequently or loyal to the same jobs? [3]

I have a feeling that you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, give very specific examples for each reason of your argument. Looking forward to reading more and more essays posted by you in the forum :)

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / (Persuasive Request) Help in writing a Memo for my English assignment [2]

Hi Tony,

When you write memos, you usually follow a general format, which sometimes may vary according to specific requirements of the institution. In the header part you have ;

To:
cc:
From;
Subject;
Date;
Reference;

Then in the body;
Heading
Message

You can also google and find help!

Undergraduate / 'The place starts and nurtures my dreams' - [academic goals] Transfer [2]

My feeling is that this para deviates from what is expected by the prompt; it doesn't talk about your academic goals or reasons for leaving your present college or why you choose connecticut. Instead you talk about the positives of edcuation and the education system in the USA, which, in my view, leads you to be away from the prompt. Perhaps you may limit these ideas to one or sentences to get an entrance to your answer :)