Undergraduate / 'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement [9]

The person bent down and his back bone broke.

I was four years old by then; although it didn't convince me to drink more milk or even...

Thus, it made me seek for answers and explanations of why the Circulatory System is so important.

This will be great if you mention why this school will be perfect for you!

:)

Undergraduate / Brown: Long Answer [12]

I know little of it, but I know it leads me to a clearer world.

This plank molds me, and I need it to become successful.---I like the way you write!

Only college can offer the unique experiences of studying abroad without the worries of the real world.

High school was a time of impractical knowledge. There is a disconnect between the student and the textbook. The working world is one of practicality, where nothing is ever done just because. College is the perfect mixture of the two. Here, the world of ideas collide with the world of practicality. This last plank connects me to both worlds and I truly need to tie the two together. ---I really like how you put this together, and also the great insight.

I like this a lot. It is out of the ordinary, but that makes me happy, as I feel some days, that I read the same essay over and over. Thank you for giving me an interesting one, written with some imagination! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Embrace the Uncertainty" MY COMMON APP [14]

--only scattered debris and piled up woods told that once the village had actually existed there.

... stretching exercise thirty minutes after taking a bath, eating good foods rich in carbohydrates a week before games, and so on.

Of course, like every teens , I had often thought about college or my future career, but all in all, I had expected this moment to last as long as possible.

Nevertheless, by the time the earthquake occurred, I still had not understood entirely what it meant...

The devastated village of Asahi showed me that everything inevitably has its end with horrible emptiness, demonstrating that my serenity did come to end, too.

No wonder, going through such world meant wasteful for me, ---This sentence needs to be revised for clarity.

... but at the same time, I know that I can run to and fro across the world to embrace something uncertain. ---This is great writing!

I like this essay better, as it says so much more about you personally.

:)

Undergraduate / 'My favorite color is blue, I like dogs' - Stanford Supplement: Roomate Letter [9]

Anyway, let me start off by letting you know a little but about myself.

I'm also a football fan, so we can go watch all of Stanford's games together!

So after reading this far, you're probably ready to start crying because you think you just got paired up with the silliest and goofiest kid possible.---This is so funny!

Volunteering is also another of my hobbies, so I'll be sure to take you with me one day to do some community work!

This is great! It shows your intelligence, what a nice person you are, and your sense of humor. I recently moved to Florida from Massachusetts, and am with you in the sweet tea habit...also, chicken biscuits. :( Good luck in school and have fun--GO FALCONS!!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the family physician' - Favorite class essay [6]

At three in the afternoon, my sister called me and asked whether I could go to the family physician with her after school.

The next day, my sister told me that she had stopped coughing and her other symptoms are gone, and I was glad that I could apply what I'd learned to help her.

Often, she linked her stories to the content she was teaching, to make the materials more memorable for us.

Every month, Ms. Key would have us sit in a circle. Then, she would give the symptoms of a number of patient and ask us to diagnose his or her disease.

This sounds like a fun class! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / "Lost at Barnes & Noble"--UVA supplement [2]

When I was little, I could often be found lost in the worlds of books, like 'The Phantom Tollbooth' and 'The Last of the Very Great Whangdoodles'.

...of a psychology book by Malcolm Gladwell or a biography on famous historical figures, such as Benjamin Franklin.

Your reading has payed off, you're an excellent writer! I love this part; '...everywhere I look I'm surrounded by little worlds of fresh perspectives and knowledge.'

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / UChicago Essay - Power of Belief [2]

Leisure is a luxury that men nowadays can afford little of, and much of a man's leisure hours are spent dreaming of living a better life.

The difference between success and failure is more often than not the belief and will of a person to succeed and make his or her? dreams come true.

It's not worth living without a strong conviction that we can achieve what we aim to achieve.

What an excellent writer you are! Your essay reminds me of The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'I call it being strong-willed' + 'Newton laws' - Tufts [4]

After participating in every sport as a kid, from dance and swimming to soccer and basketball, I ended up dedicating nine years of my life to competitive gymnastics.

I wanted to end my gymnastics career on a strong, positive note, not with an injury and painful last memories.---This is amazing!

Today, I view my adoption as no more than another simple fact about me, such as that I have brown eyes and black hair.

--------------------------------

Newton's second law states that acceleration is directly proportional to the net force applied and inversely proportional to mass.

Standing at exactly 5'1" (the average height of an eighth grader, an unfortunately small height for a high school senior), I prove every day ---two words here.--- that it's not the size that matters, ...

Newton's third law, every action has an equal and opposite and reaction, has taught me countless life lessons, including the importance of treating others how I would like to be treated, and that while many surfaces...

You are also a very good writer! Your essay shows intelligence, perseverance and a great sense of humor! Good luck with school!

:)

Poetry / When I return from New York [7]

I am so glad I had the opportunity to read your poem. You are an amazing writer, and if you are looking for an edit or revision, you'll get none from me. I read it 3 times, and I understand as much through what you did not say, as from what you did say. It broke my heart and also made me happy. Whatever else you do in you life, please keep writing poetry, as you are a very talented and expressive writer.

Undergraduate / 'algebra II and trigonometry' - Common app- Elaborate on an activity [22]

On the first day of the program, I was assigned to a class of 12 people, most of whose math backgrounds were 1 to 2 years ahead of mine.

His mouthful of mathematical terms such as scalar, vector, delta, and theta rendered me clueless.---I like this sentence!

After spending five nights watching introductory videos on some of the topics covered in class that week, I began to have a superficial understanding of the lecture.

After another arduous day, as the A Train just arrived, I crammed into the train and dropped down in a seat.

:)

Undergraduate / 'not aware of the responsibility' - Common App Short Answer about volunteering [3]

After school, I went to ROCK, Reaching Out, Challenging Kids, to help the people who need to raise their grades up to be eligible for school activities.

Seeing them working after school every day ,---two words here--- I decided to help them the best way I could so that they can enjoy their high school years to the fullest.

Many times I see my friends whom I worked with, enjoying their time on the dance floor and cheering with their hearts out in the football field.

:)

Scholarship / ESSAY on Entrepreneurial Leadership Discovery Program [2]

We don't write the essay for you, you have to write it then send it here for an edit. Just answer the prompts and put it all together for now, then send it back through here and we'll see how it looks. Good luck and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / UK has a wider variety of ways of dealing with waste products than the others. [3]

The pie charts illustrate the current trend in disposing of hazardous waste products in Republic of Korea, Sweden and the UK.

However, rubbish in Sweden is mainly buried rather than recycled as in Korea.

In regards the UK, this country has a wider variety of ways of dealing with waste products than the others.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Community engagement'-Colby-Supplement Essay Why Colby [3]

From the aspect of academics, Colby emphasizes project-based study, which encourages students to tackle real-world problems benefiting the community, while they study.

I, as a future biology student wish to join it, to continue my passion for water protection and safety since my Water Ecology Course and research on heavy metal pollution at Nankai High, and to make efforts to improve the world I live in at the same time.

When I read "Colby ranked 8th in the Teach For America program among small colleges and universities" and various volunteer programs at Colby's website, I knew Colby was my top choice for school.

I love mentoring children, and being a tutor is one of my life goals.

I always feel extremely happy when the kids finally get out of trouble with my assist.

Colby is somewhere I fully can engage in the community and somewhere I can make my own contribution to the society. It inspires.

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Bard Supplement - Barbarians Erupt from Civilization [4]

Nowadays, we take for granted the equality of all people, or the right for someone to govern (?) their own body, but less than half a century ago such things were unheard of. The revolutionary heroes of today were the barbarians of the 60s.---This is such great writing!

The mere fact that so many high school students enter the battlefield that is the college application process, stands testament to...

Your essay is perfect and so well written! This looks more like a magazine article than an essay, and I thank you for breaking up my day with some great writing! Good luck with school (not that you'll need it) and have fun!

:)

Graduate / 'risk assessment and management and pricing of CMBS' -my research interest [3]

As a Master of Science in Real Estate student at XX University, I was very impressed by the professors, for their passion for real estate and for students, as their researches are very interesting.

While working with the faculty at XX University, I hope to continue my research and observe how my researchit will bring real, positive changes to the CMBS industry.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student!
Good luck with school.

:)

Writing Feedback / 'process of urbanization' - People living in big cities face many problems today [2]

It was only owing to such principles , chasing for greater convenience and more commercial opportunities, that a market could develop to be a village, a town, a city and even a metropolis.

Yet there's a dark side to this picture: we are going too fast in some regions .

In other words, some big cities are now suffering from all sorts of problems resulting from over-urbanization.

Before the government and urban planners could take measures, large numbers of people have flooded into big cities, bringing about problems as below:

The daily increasing use of private cars has overtaken the capacity of present transportation systems .

Serious congestions, up rising incidences of road accidents have actually degraded our living quality in cities.

In fact, all of those existing problems have contradicted our original motives for dwelling in cities.

Thus, what should we do to rescue our cities?

The government plays a vital role in the process.

Fundamentally, through cooperation with urban and regional planners, the government should make a long-term plan for a city's design and construction, including its size, structure, transport layout, infrastructure system, etc.

:)

Undergraduate / Opening Up to My Roommate [4]

The lifestyle there varies greatly with the lifestyle here in Boston.

I just suffered through a twenty-four hour flight, and all I really want to do now is bust out my "moves like Jagger" as I unpack.---This is great!

My parents advised me to pack lightly, but there are just several items I cannot let go of.

These two items of clothing that I packed may cause other people to gawk at me, but they have sentimental value.

Most of the students I traveled there with are now my lifelong friends.

The city has it all-department stores, myriads of restaurants and cafes , flavor, and personality.

I love your essay! Especially the ending, which shows your sense of humor and sweet personality. Good luck with school and have fun in Boston! I just moved from there to Florida, and while Boston (especially Harvard Square) is awesome, be careful while riding the subway, as there are many crazy people there!

:)

Undergraduate / Why choose nursing as a career? - nursingcas personal statment [3]

I had never worked with the elderly before, and the prospect of disappointing them made me uneasy.

The program went smoother than I'd expected; most residents fed off our exuberant energy and words of encouragement, and any language barriers were shattered by our combined language repertoire.---I like this sentence.

As days passed, I grew more comfortable with the residents, and my relationship with them strengthened.

They indulged me with secrets and stories of their personal lives, reminded me of important life lessons, and inquired me about my daily activities.

I was never able to forge such a relationship with my grandparents, so these connections were particularly meaningful to me.

The culmination of these experiences is my inspiration for pursuing a career in nursing.---This is great too!

Throughout my healthcare experiences, I've felt a sense of pride and fulfillment in being able to brighten the lives of these people.

I established and reinforced certain skills that are important as a nurse, such as maintaining a stable and trusting relationship...

:)

Undergraduate / UVA Engineering - Improvement in Knee Prosthesis [6]

As I waited to pick up my younger sister, I saw a middle-aged man hobbling towards the school's front doors.

The cumbersome weight of prosthesis hinders an individual's ability to move freely, so lightweight materials such as carbon fiber will be used for the prosthesis's physical structure.

Also, the physical structure must be robust enough so that it can aid the individual in participating in sports and recreational activities, extending the prosthesis's function beyond walking.

In almost all cases, the amputee must undergo physical therapy for an extended period of time to become accustomed to the prosthesis.

The time it takes for this laborious process can be greatly reduced if I utilize sensors inside the prosthesis, to take hundreds of measurements per second.

This is so important, especially with all the injured veterans returning home with missing limbs. They'll be lucky to have you as a student, as your essay shows compassion, intelligence, and innovation.

:)

Undergraduate / Non-Traditional (old) undergrad transfer (neuroscience) statement of purpose essay UT [2]

It began with the rejection of dualism and mysticism as a teenager, where Ayn Rand's ' Atlas Shrugged' helped me be at peace with unabashed rationality.

I fed my curiosity on Dr. Patricia Churchland and Dr. Robert Sapolsky, among others, and my appetite for all-things-brain has been insatiable since.

As a mother, I've marveled at the pictures of developing fetuses and the organ that constituted most of its mass.

I often turned to scientific journals to help me decipher myth from evidence, in child rearing decisions.

:)

Undergraduate / 'helping the community' - What learn from and contribute to the Penn Community [3]

The University of Pennsylvania is a renowned institution internationally, for its academic dominance in many different fields, ranging from engineering to business as well as its active student body in terms of the community.

My main goal as a mechanical engineer is that I want to be able to design vehicles that will do a better job in conserving energy.

I am dedicated to this goal because the conservation of energy is a very prominent issue that needs to be addressed and resolved, and many positive consequences will come of this, such as lower flight costs and less dependence on fossil fuels.

I have also tutored many students before as a member of two honor societies at my school, and could be able to do the same in college.

I was interning at the New Jersey Institute of Technology's Real World Connections Program and have developed an Android application.

In return, I can contribute to the university's community in different areas, as I have already done throughout high school.

They'll be lucky to have you as a student! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'the heat was unbearable' - Richmond University Supplement Essay [11]

My blood boiled with rage, the heat began to get to me and I wanted to escape the nightmare, for not only was the atmosphere unfavorable, but also my body began to give way.

My intellectual journey began with a summer-placement at the Electronics Department of the Federal Urdu University, and I was struck by a fact that changed me forever and induced in me a love for the field.

The mission was intense, yet we were not deterred!

With every blow of disappointment, the law of probability made me hopeful: "if it isn't...

Looking back, I am proud that I did not back down, for though the circumstances were horrendous,...

You're an excellent writer!

Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'students doing community' Stanford: Extracurricular or Work Exp- Kiddies and Violins [2]

We are high school students doing community service, dedicating our time to furthering kids' education, answering the call to fight the budget cuts of programs in schools.---You should say 'such as art and music', I think.

Each week, my buddies and I in this club carpool to a poorer inner-city elementary school to teach musical instruments and arts.

Despite the lack of resources, they have so much potential.

My friends and I participate in this club to give kids the choice to learn music, so that those who want to can learn, without financial difficulties.

:)

Undergraduate / Unity is what brings about knowledge and a second home UPENN ESSAY [3]

...private university, UPENN is able to bring about, define, and exemplify what unity is, through its ongoing traditions, unique student life, and intense passion for learning.

From Toast throwing to Econ Scream, students are able to participate and work together to not only learn, but also to have fun.

While walking down Locust Walk, the question isn't "H ey, will I see you again?", but it's "Hey, when am I going to bump into you again, today before I go to class?"

With this, What I hope to learn is to be able to work with others on a more professional level and to develop my own social and leadership abilities.

Because of the close relationships not only between professors and students but within students themselves, I can practice and gain real experience while having fun in working on difficult group projects.

The communication skills and experience I harvest will not only benefit me when working on multiple unique engineering projects, but will also allow me to flourish personally and intellectually.

Furthermore, with the interesting Cloak Devising and Fuel cell engineering research that UPENN offers, I will be...

:)

Undergraduate / 'how important my family members were' - significant experience [3]

School was starting on that day, but I did not go because I was packing for the biggest journey of my life, to meet my dad.

When my dad settled in the U.S, he started the process of being able to bring us with him.

Even though I was scared during all this time,but the hope that I would finally to see my father kept me going.

I was scared because many people die crossing the border; some of them get shot and some of them die from thirst and hunger... and also excited because I was taking the biggest step towards meeting my dad.

The ride was terrifying and uncomfortable, because I was on top of the truck and it was moving extremely fast, but I had to concentrate on the outcome; I was finally meeting my dad after many years.

They were the ones who I go to every time I have problems or when I need help, but in my border crossing they were nowhere to be found.

What an amazing story! I wish I could hear the rest of it, like how was the feeling of meeting you dad? Did your mother get to come later? I'm so sorry for all you went through, and it makes me see how much I take for granted. Good luck with school and have fun.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Growing up on an island' - usd - international study supplement [3]

By broadening my knowledge and maturing as a globally active citizen, I'll be exposed to see the reality of this interconnected world we live in, and engaged in its challenging endeavors.

I want to open my mind to new perspectives, and USD's international studies will empower me to do so.

This is fine, but I think you should tell what island you grew up on, to make it more personal. Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'mirror the ideals' - Why UChicago Essay [3]

.. I would take great satisfaction in a program designed to address some of the most essential philosophical questions, via the careful examination of history's fundamental texts.

I would take full advantage of the thriving music scene, neighboring educational institutions, paradigms of world-class architecture and globally renowned museums.

The university would not just encourage eccentrics, but breed them.---I love this!

Your essay is great! They'll be very lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / 'incapable of monogamy' - Personal Statement - Intellectual Promiscuity [2]

" I am incapable of monogamy.

I have jived with gymnastics, L indy-hopped with left-handedness, sambaed with the saxophone, foxtrotted with figure skating, promenaded with poetry, mamboed with music composition, tangoed with typing, and jitterbugged with Japanese.---I love this sentence!!

...I can do a back flip , write with both hands, appreciate quality saxophone...

Though my convalescence lasted the entirety of sophomore and junior years, I have ...

How can I explore the fringes of informational inventories we call "subjects", teasing out innovations and revelations, if I weren't enchanted with all things?---I read this sentence at least three times, I like it a lot.

You are an excellent writer, and I wish your essay were longer. Honestly, you should write a book about this, as you're very well spoken, and make learning sound like a fun adventure. They'll be lucky to have you as a student!

:)

Undergraduate / "Insight" - common app short ans. (Intl student) [4]

Many might find working, ---No comma here.-- over the summer, ---or here-- as a computer instructor at an asylum, mundane.

However the time I spent at Arpan - A school for mentally challenged children, couldn't have been better spent.

They would try to find patterns; "Why are U and I together", they'd ask.---Wow, this was very observant of you!

Even if I fired ---this isn't the right word here---them for mistakes, they smiled back.

I felt guilty for ever cursing my teachers, over course-load.

I learned as much as anyone in the class, including proficiently operating a ball mouse by moving the ball itself! ---This is great!

I enjoyed your essay! It shows your intelligence, sense of humor, compassion and a deep wisdom, which is much better than plain intelligence! Good luck with school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'student had been talking to me' - Why Duke? - Duke Engage [4]

...discussing an encounter with another prospective student, who told him, "I don't even know you, but I think if you don't come to school here you're going to be missing out."

Just like the Gothic architecture is juxtaposed by a vibrant, modern city and a diverse student body, so are the many other facets of the university.

Duke maintains ties to the past, but is always looking ahead to the future in order to solve modern problems, which is what I believe to be what attracts me the most to the university.

To me, a degree is unimportant in a global context, unless one is able to actually apply their knowledge, and...

:)

Undergraduate / 'lived in two different cultures' - UW Computer Science Short Answer [3]

I was a part of that percentage and the even larger group of people without computer access, before settling in America.

What started out as a toy that I used, to play minesweeper and solitaire turned out to be one of my most loved possessions.

My interest in computers grew as I explored the endless...

Having lived in two different cultures -- one where computers are abundant and another in which it is an unfamiliar object -- I've developed a strong appreciation for this robust system that some people lack.

By pursuing a career in computer science, I will be able to optimize the machine I have always loved, to become even better.

I think you answered the prompt nicely! Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements - Belonging and Business [3]

Through observation, through experience and through intuition, I can tell that NYU is, in essence, unconditionally different.

It is an abstract concept, about breaking invisible barriers, candid correspondence and open-mindedness.---I had to stop here to say you are such an excellent writer!

-----------------------------------

Every now and then, there comes along a jewel that accommodates for both.

Business to me is like a healthy and tasty snack. It plays ---How do you feel about the word 'appeals' here?to my competitive nature, interpersonal skills, and background...

Living in four different countries and spending time as an exchange student in two, have led me to encounter people...

These are great, and I especially liked the ending sentences of part 2. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Endowed - Prologue [4]

Everything was silent, broken only by---I think this should say, "The silence was broken only by the occasional cricket chirp and the croaking of bullfrogs from the lake nearby.

The rumbling slowly increased in volume, and suddenly stopped.

The entire forest had gone eerily silent, saved only for the small rustling of leaves as animals darted past undergrowth and plants.

Everything was still, except for the occasional thud of human feet on the forest floor.

The white robed figures paused and looked around.

Satisfied that the coast was clear, they nodded to each other, spun on their heels, and flew swiftly through the forest back in the direction of home.----Or 'towards' home.

The trees that were touched by the mist he had created earlier hadbegun to wither and shrivel up.

Wow! You're an excellent writer! You're great with description, and creating a feeling of anticipation!

Undergraduate / Stanford Letter to Roommate "Teamplayer" [8]

It made me reflect on how growing up with him has taught me humility, maturity, and selflessness.

We've actually come a long way to respecting each other more as friends, in and outside school.

I was part of that team and I knew it helped the band sound great.

You'll find a team player in me, not a perfect one, but a passionate one.---This is great!

Don't worry about freshman -15.

I like your essay! It shows your compassion, sense of humor, and intelligence. Good luck with school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / 'leadership, dedication, optimism, and curiosity' - Why Stony Brook? [4]

It's a question I've been asked a lot lately, at Christmas parties and family get-togethers, so I like to think I've gotten good at answering, mostly because I'm not faking it; I am passionate and excited about SUNY Stony Brook.

The turning point for me between liking Stony Brook and loving it, was meeting with Dr. Deshpande, the director of undergraduate studies for physics and astronomy.

I thought I was in for twenty-minutes of a busy professor berating me for taking time out of his busy schedule.

What I discovered, was a compassionate friendly role-model, who had achieved everything I hope to accomplish, and was willing to give me the insider advice.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / General supplemental - travel experiences in india [2]

Her kind gestures of love and generosity, even while living a destitute life in India opened my eyes to the hearts of poverty-stricken lives.

To get a few buckets of water, they had to line-up in front of a tap from which the water flowed ever so slowly, and that too was restricted to couple of hours a day.

I realized how lucky I was for the sacrifices that my parents made to make sure that I had a roof over my head, with plenty to eat and every day to devote to education.

...careers ended abruptly, and at that tender age they were resigned to their fate, accepting household chores as their main goal.

I felt that these sisters were strikingly similar to my sister and me in terms of aspirations, but so different in terms of resources available.

Just as we help our immediate family, I believe the human race is one global family, and we should extend whatever help we can .

:)

Undergraduate / 'doing something that makes me happy' - Yale: tell us more about yourself [4]

For a week, it was in a tent with my best friend in Big Sur, California.

She wanted me to teach my cousins how to surf, and I was more than happy to sacrifice a little sleep to teach them something that I wish I could have learned at such a young age.

I will always be able to give back to the community---You should tell some way that you have, or plan on, 'giving back to the community'. Up to here, it just seems like your life has been about relaxing and having fun. If you do anything to give back to the community, you should say what it is, so you don't sound like you just threw that in.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / 'basketball enthusiast' - Yale -something that you would like us to know. [9]

At my senior tryout for the varsity team, I still failed.

After four years of trying out, after all the training and effort I dedicated to basketball, I questioned myself as to why I couldn't make the high school team.

After all, I can dunk a basketball, I can palm a basketball, and I can consistently shoot a basketball.

This sport gave me the mentality to accept challenges, no matter how high the difficulty they posses.

YesNo , I didn't make the team during my high school career, and many might see this as a failure, but...

Even though this could be seen as a failure, and some might question why I continue to play basketball with great efforts, my response is failure will always be eminent, but with each failure, success will become more eminent.

:)

Undergraduate / 'to pursue a human undertaking' - Georgetown significant activity essay [8]

Our personal desires may sometimes forge a sense of importance, but when our world is ailing, uniting as a single unit can create waves of impact.

HOSA provided me with the resources and members, to bring this global issue into perspective and create a chain of new beginnings for everyone involved.

Our efforts expanded to selling hand made bracelets, which stated "be the change".

This endeavor forever changed our campaign because we raised numerous funds.---'Numerous' doesn't sound quite right to me. I could be wrong though, as I sometimes am. :)

Our mission is to influence others to help remedy some of the issues within our world, and The Water Project aims to do just that.

I think you explained yourself very well. Good luck, Georgetown is beautiful.

:)