Undergraduate / Common App Transfer Essay- The storm is now sunshine [5]

I had never been nervous of because of receiving attention; before why now, after countless speeches had been delivered and dance recitals had been performed?

With time to adjust to my new college and the new life it created for me, I realized that I was ...---- now, in this paragraph you have to start taking about your objective. Impress them with your clearly envisioned plan. I like the intro that culminated with a confession that you were lonely, but after that you should give a paragraph of reasons for transferring that are all related to your career goals and interests.

This whole paragraph should be cut: I began my college career by taking Liberal Arts and Sciences coursework which has ...no Political Science major at my college. I could not let this stop me from following my dream and my passion.--- this paragraph is not really helpful. I hope you will tell them what decision you came to instead of taking them through the process of decision-making, and focus on telling them your objectives.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay:"The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes..." [7]

Admittedly, some of the appearances and behaviors of masses of people convey to us their...

Now choose one word to replace "attitudes and interests"

Admittedly, some of the appearances and behaviors of masses of people convey to us their attitudes and interests __________ in a direct manner directly.

That is just a matter of style. It was okay, anyway. But I wanted to suggest simplifying it, because I saw that you wrote "appearances and behaviors ...attitudes and interests" and it was so complicated!

:-D

Undergraduate / becoming a thriving businessman - Emory Supplement Short Answer [9]

I'll move this comma:
My dream is to become a thriving businessman in the field of finance, and since I hold that dream so close to me I am willing to do whatever it takes in order to fulfill my desire.

can offer me on opportunity to take my dream and make it into a reality. --- this is still quite vague and abstract. If they ask you, "Why do you choose this school instead of XXXXXX University?" You can't just say "Emory can offer me on opportunity to take my dream and make it into a reality." What is it that makes it different? You named some things, but you can be more specific.

You can name a particular prof you want to learn from, or you can describe an atmosphere you experienced when you went there to visit. Ask yourself what is the REAL reason I want this school instead of another.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Marshalls made me realize how sine qua non a higher education is [2]

Jonathan, you are a hero. Thanks for helping so many people lately.

I see what the problem is with this part:
I made up my mind to ensure that my college degree was going to do the talking for me -- and that in three years Marshalls was going to be just one more thing of the past.

It does seem a little harsh. Nobody likes working in retail, but on a deeper level, cherish your experiences! Maybe end with something that has the enthusiasm but not the scorn for the employer. :-)

Undergraduate / Biomedical, Health & Society, and Bio informatics alternatives - admission essay [2]


It seems arrogant of them to assume you would not go to a different school to study health science.

I guess I would be most impressed if you were determined to enter the field you have chosen. So, you would have to write that you would choose a different program that could get you to the same place in life. Maybe you ca make this better by describing what you want to be doing 5 years from now and telling them about a plan B that would still set you up to enter the career you have in mind. What is the career you have in mind?

Writing Feedback / Is persistence all that is needed to be successful? - A SAT essay [3]


god thesis statement. This is brilliant. Patience and motivation are indeed the components of persistence. Thanks for sharing this insight!

That second paragraph is about the patience of Lincoln and Edison, etc., but you did not mention the word patience. Use the word patience in that paragraph.

Then, write a paragraph about motivation.

Finally, conclude with reflection on this recipe for persistence: motivation and patience.

Writing Feedback / Educating Children with Toys - help me with these pargraphs [5]

Consequently, toy manufacturers are designing toys that can aid children in learning to initiate action, to taking care of himself, and to discovering and repair breakdowns of the toy.

If you want to show good structure, have a topic sentence for each paragraph. The three topic sentences should correspond with the 3 parts of the thesis statement:

Toys help children learn to initiate action by making them feel curious and excited. Kids can be attracted with a small little things that catches their attention. Such as lights, sounds, music, and shapes.

Toys help children to take care of themselves, in the sense that _________ . For example, another type of toy is a baby doll.

The first sentence of every paragraph should be a topic sentence about part o that 3-part thesis statement.

:-)

Graduate / any personal or academic matter that may assist admissions committee [4]

You use some unnecessary words that water down the writing:
Each and e Every one of us has faced with a situation that was emotionally stressful and strenuous. Mine, too , was no exception.

For most some, the death of an old grandparent granddad or a grandmother might not be so overwhelming, but for me that was not the case the experience was _________. It was especially painful for me, because my grandmother was my mother and my father.----- this is an excellent sentence, here.


Excellent!!!
Put that period inside the " marks:
your powers."

...my mother left me for good for her betterment a year later.

well done, this is impressive. I think it will be well-received, and your strength will make you successful. This is some very powerful reflection.

Scholarship / Studying mathematics - trying to get a intership and need revise [3]

This would be more impressive if you specified which degree you want:
...to approach a degree with both the confidence and enthusiasm needed to succeed.
Even if you are not certain, it is impressive to have a plan.

Your second paragraph states a lot of strengths you have, but I think it needs a TOPIC SENTENCE to establish the point being made in the paragraph.

I want to improve my ability to read, understand, construct, and write proofs. I want to get acquainted with the culture and activities of research mathematics. I want to develop a skill in reading professional-level mathematics.

your paragraph about being a math teacher is very good.

:-)

Undergraduate / UIUC essay #2 extracurricular - Cheer-leading team [4]

This sentence did not seem to make sense, so I will change it:
It could be any kind of stage that upper than crowd. in front of even a small crowd, and I would start to panic. One day, when I was a freshman, there...

I think you should not tell so much of the story, and instead tell the reader what ideas it made you realize. I recommend googling this: thoreau walden full text

Read for one hour, and then you will be thinking deeply about the subjects in your mind. This essay is superficial right now, because it mostly tells WHAT happened instead of WHAT IT MEANS. Spend some time reading Walden and then try another draft.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Lyricist and theatrical actor' Univ. of rochester #2: your contribution to the university [3]

Very efficient writing here. That is nice. Maybe it is too serious and efficient, though. How about adding one unexpected comment right in the middle to jolt the reader into really remembering the essay. It can be anything... anything to reflect your own slant, your own way of looking at one of these things.

and if you give these numbers, write them both as words:
for three years for a total of seven years in

It also lacks structure a little... it is on point in the sense that it consists of all stuff about you, but what is the main idea for the essay? It needs a theme. If you list these sentences, you will see that they largely unrelated. yeah, I think it is because you start by telling a few unrelated things, sort of random. You should start with this:

(give a sentence that captures the reader's attention and establishes your THEME for the essay). I'm a literary art auteur and a lyricist in two languages (French and English), and

I have been a theatrical actor for three years and a performance director for three years for a total of seven years in performing arts. In addition to this independent work,

I'm currently doing an independent...

:-)

Book Reports / Tom Buchanan, The Great Gatsby Final English class project. [2]

A villain is a person who takes advantage of weaker people, and the villain stands against the hero in a story. disapprove and withstand the hero.

Strengths:
excellent topic sentences! Some kids do not understand how to write good topic sentences, but you do!
Your thesis sentence:
They are careless, they are indifferent, and they are bullies. Tom Buchanan is worthy of being called the perfect villain. ---- this is clear as a thesis statement, and it is interesting, too.

Good MLA here:
"They smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness" (Fitzgerald 170). ---- correct, because the period comes after the parenthetical reference.

incorrect (parenthetical reference is after the period:
these other races will have control over things." (Fitzgerald 18).
correct:
control over things" (Fitzgerald 18).

Area for improvement: do not start the last paragraph (or any paragraph) with a "dropped quotation" (google that if necessary)
add a sentence before it:
XXX XXXXXX XXXX XXXX XX XXX X XXXXXXXX. "They smashed up things and creatures and then ...

"Did you enjoy it?"
I did not enjoy it because I am in a foul state of mind. We need to regulate our own minds in order to enjoy literature. If I was having a better day, I would have really enjoyed it. It s hard to come up with a good thesis sentence, but you did. It is interesting and arguable.

:-D

Undergraduate / 'Changing people's lives' - Community Service- Synthesis Essay [5]

I don't see an oxymoron involved here:
Although it is an oxymoron, most students do not know whether they should be a volunteer or not because they do not know what volunteering can do for their community and for themselves.----maybe I am missing something obvious, but doesn't an oxymoron have to be like "jumbo shrimp" and "athletic scholarship"

Great advice here...

Also, I was thinking that you should challenge yourself to use the term "community service" in the first and last paragraph, but not anywhere in the body paragraphs. I can't explain why, though! It makes a more sophisticated essay if you don't refer to the topic too many times.

:-)

Undergraduate / Experiances give valuable lessons-agree or disagree [9]

Some of the experiences may not be good at the time, but later ... very nice introduction!

It is through the trial and error method that one knows the lessons of life.

This sentence sounds funny: It is these injuries that help the child to walk properly.
You can write: These injuries are the errors that educate the child throughout many trials until she can walk properly.

Similarly, those who are masters of climbing may have surely experienced the taste of falls and broken limbs. ----- why did you write a sentence about drivers that fell and broke limbs? I think you meant climbers.

:-)

Graduate / "becoming a successful entrepreneur" - MBA SOP-Rutgers [6]

This part needs a comma:
all year round, a nd I look forward to maintain this busy schedule as a successful Entrepreneur after I obtain my MBA. The end of this sentence is part of the problem. What you really want to say something about, I think, is ... oh, I understand! You say:

all year round, and I look forward to maintain this envision myself keeping a busy schedule like theirs. As a successful Entrepreneur, I hope to... ________________after I obtain my MBA.

I think you should actually cut part of it out:

...seen my father and my paternal uncles do all year round, and I envision myself keeping a busy schedule like theirs. look forward to maintain this busy schedule as a successful Entrepreneur after I obtain my MBA. The Top School academic experience will add to my family business background and help me move forward on the path to becoming a successful Entrepreneur.

:-)

Undergraduate / How to write SoP for a Design University [4]


Well, a business plan and an SOP do have similarities, for sure! But an SOP is more like a sales pitch, whereas a business plan is more like a list of things to do and goals to achieve.

You can google this: statement of purpose example
You will get lots of great ideas. Also, search EssayForum for "SOP"

After you read 20 or 30 of them, you will know how you want to write your own. Get inspired. In the same way you developed your own style for design when you got familiar with it, you can have your own style for writing a SOP.

However, in general I want to say I think it is important to show that you have a clearly envisioned plan that includes this particular school to which you are applying, a plan that shows what you want to be doing during the next 5 years or so. By showing that you have a plan, you prove to them that you are a worthy candidate.

Of course, you also have to describe your previous experiences. Lok at some examples of SOP and get started! :-)

Research Papers / Writing an Annotated Bibliography using 3 articles in APA format/style [6]

I don't think you really need the " " marks. Light-emitting diodes (LED) can be written just without quot marks, so you won't feel like you need to put the page number.

As for the "Bassin Anticipation Timer" (whatever that is!) even if it is a technical term that you want to put in " " marks, that is a different use of quotation marks than using them to quote somebody, so I think you do not need the page number. But why not just throw in a citation? When in doubt, throw in a citation.

:-)

Scholarship / Speech in Stockholm during Nobel Prize Oxford Scholarship:Course/Scholarship's impact [2]

Eighth grader

for clarity, put these 2 together: My friends dreamed of becoming James Bond, but I envisioned myself making the speech in Stockholm during Nobel Prize ceremony.

Many sleep-deprived nights solving problems made me a Starbucks addict. ---- ha ha great sentence. You have an entertaining and clear way of expressing yourself, so be confident!

My perspective about the world of Physics...

My ambition is to build the very first high-energy particle accelerator in Vietnam, and found the nation's first National Institute for Theoretical Physics.

the first paragraph of the second essay is very impressive!!!

Here is a confusing part:
With the special emphasis on the need to train scientists and technicians in the field of Physics, the Institute will resolve the pressing need to reverse the regress ???? by allowing deserving physicists to carry out original research in Vietnam, rather than having them to go abroad, possibly never to return.

I always kept asking myself whether my plan would succeed, for my mother was retiring due to health complications after 33 years of teaching.

I really hope you are given lots of good opportunities and that you get to do the things you want to do!

Writing Feedback / People are being demoralized day by day.Discuss IELTS GT [4]

Well, I really mean it when I say you write well. You write much better in English than many people who grew up speaking only English. For example, look at the ads people place on craigslist.com to see how people usually write. People often cannot form complete sentences when they write. This, on the other hand, is beautiful, rhythmic writing:

However, some measures can be taken to eliminate these problems. Firstly, government can set up counseling offices in each locality, which will help parents and children to solve their problems in this modernized era as more likely both parents work outside.

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (an experience) - "How do I approach him?" [5]


Well, for good clear composition, you ca use the last sentence of the first paragraph to establish a focus.

I would have never predicated what soon followed. The events that followed would change me permanently by altering my beliefs about ___________ (and then end the first paragraph).

That will establish it as an experience that changed you.

Mention something at the end, too, about how it changed you.

Undergraduate / Catholic University - Personal Statement - Community Outreach [2]


Is this a joke? If so, it is not funny. If not, you seem to have a very warped outlook on things.


So now you are being judgmental of illegal immigrants in a casual way with trite remarks? I can't believe how offensive this essay is.


You have not yet mentioned anything you did to help out the Latino community.

You trust Wiki over the advice of elders? Do you realize that Wiki is full of explanations by ordinary people and that you or I could modify it at any time?


Samurai warriors are not Chinese.

Wow, this gets weirder as I continue to read. I hope you are not actually going to send this to a school you want to attend. I also hope you will do some soul searching to see if you are experiencing delusions of grandeur that make you think you are better than others because of where you grew up.

Writing Feedback / 'Building character' - Community Service- Synthesis Essay [3]

This should be a comma and not a semi-colon:
Having community service as a requirement to graduate is a good idea as long as the student can choose what type of community service they want to do, because it...

This sentence does not belong in the intro paragraph: Willie Grothman and Tim Phang are two high school students who started a community service club that helped a lot of people in their community. You can use this as the topic sentence for a body paragraph, though!

The first version of the intro is better, because it has fewer sentences that do not belong in the intro. Give examples in the body paragraphs, and keep them out of the intro. Use the intro to clearly state your argument.

:-)

Scholarship / "Still Dancing". A life is not important except for the impact it has on other lives [5]

This is a good place to use semi-colons:
I can stand still and go nowhere; I can - like a car stuck in the mud - spin my "wheels" and make a lot of noise, but only manage to make a bigger rut; or I can pick up my...

I really like that attention grabbing tights statement! I guess I think you should combine the first 2 paragraphs as one so that you are quicker to get to the tights statement.

I stared at this for a long time before deciding what advice to give. I think you should add an intro paragraph that tells the reader what the main theme for the essay is, and in the intro you should list the various topics to be discussed: interviewing convicts at a prison, participating in dance and theatre despite insults, inspiration from O'Connor. write an intro para that really outlines what is in the essay. That way, the reader will feel familiar with each concept as it is introduces. So, I suggest:

1. Intro paragraph
2. Paragraph with The sound of the prison ...turn and run. I had a ...job to do. Even here, in a place I never imagined I would be, I was determined to survive. Wearing tights had taught me I could.

3. Then proceed with the rest of the essay.

Writing Feedback / 'just a typical teenager' - Creative writing Who am i? essay [5]

But this doesn't define who I am as a person; the answer to the question cannot be found in a person's birth certificate, a religion, or a diploma, but instead it is found in the heart and soul of a person.

Here is another idea:
Whenever I sit back and think about how things would be if I had been born in a different family, whether I would be happier than I am now, I always get the same answer: No, never. I am very blessed ...

:-)

Research Papers / Earth and Space Science class, Thesis Statement Help [5]


This is the key, for sure. Jon gave great advice, here... You need to give yourself a crash course in the issue by reading about 5 articles written in the past few years. There are tons of articles available if you google "global warming" and "debate."

While you read, take notes about the interesting arguments people make. Write a paragraphs about every argument you read. Soon, the paper will be taking form. When you have written 10 paragraphs, you will know what your own argument is, because you will be becoming an expert about global warming.

so, do some reading and take some notes, and you will discover your argument!

:-)

Undergraduate / uiuc essay transfer: electronics and technology [3]

Since childhood, my favourite subjects have been mathematics and science, I was always interested in applying in practically applying the things that I learned in my classes. I was keen on finding the role of science in the things that surround us. (Right here you should add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph)

I got really tense, but my father fixed the problem with a cool head, and I resumed my studies. I was really inspired by this experience, and since then I have been fascinated about science and how electricity works.

:-)

Graduate / Discuss two examples that demonstrate your potential as a successful leader? [4]

I think you should not make such a short paragraph for paragraph 2. Put these together as one paragraph:
...effectively ran and managed their local chapters. As part of this position, I was responsible for...

It has made me realize the importance of empowering others, making them identify with the goals they are trying to achieve. It has also made me recognize and respect the different various working styles of the individuals I am leading and to as I customize my approach based on that to accommodate them.

Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay:"The way people look, dress, and act reveals their attitudes..." [7]


Yes, simple writing is better for the reader, because it makes it easier for the reader to interpret.

This seems logically sound! However, it is not as clear as it could be. You argue this: "some of the ways people act or look can only be explained thoroughly through the scrutinizing various, complex factors, including factors pertaining to cultural backgrounds, instead of simply observing the surface." --- I think this will be clearer. Keep practicing, and you will improve!

Also, another way to make it clear is to make sure the first sentence ofevery paragraph tells the main idea of that paragraph. Do your first sentences for each paragraph tell the main idea?

Admittedly, some of the appearance or behavior of masses of people convey us their attitudes and interests in a direct manner.--- make this simpler so that it clearly states the main idea for the paragraph.

:-)

If you want a score for the essay, we have to establish scoring criteria. Based on how impressed I am with your vocabulary, I give you an A+++++

But I don't know how to score for the TOEFL. However, I know that you will do very well!!!

Book Reports / The excerpt from the opening of In Cold Blood [5]

Hi Britney, sorry I did not comment on that. Selection of detail is just a fancy way of saying the author chooses details (in scenes) based on what she wants to express. We are all preaching about themes, so if Capote decides that the woman wears a rawhide jacket you can expect that it is significant in some way. Why does he choose to put her in a rawhide jacket instead of in a fur coat? Obviously, he is showing particular people for particular reasons.

What you have in your pragraph 4 is more about the device called "imagery"... the stuff we "see" as we read. You should revise that paragraph to talk about WHY he chooses to put the woman in a rawhide jacket. Why is she this sort of person? This requires you to understand the meaning of the story.

Another device Capote uses is selection of detail. The detail he uses helps set the stage of what is going on in this excerpt. Not only does the author describe the place, but also he describes the people there. For example, when he describes the woman as " a gaunt woman who wears rawhide jacket and denims and cowboy boots..." and she is portrayed this way because she represents ________________.

Grammar, Usage / Capitalization of the word "Nature" [2]

Alright, good point. I didn't mean to be irreverent to Nature. But my religion is based on Meditation, so from now on I want everyone to capitalize Meditation!

Also, I know someone who says money is his religion, so let's capitalize that, too! And let's capitalize "Dam" when talking about a Beaver Dam, because it is part of nature, but let's not capitalize it when referring to man-made dams. :-)

Your post here inspired me to do some research... I could not find dictionaries that listed Nature as a proper noun, but I found this excellent explanation for the word and its use:

languagestudy.suite101.com/article.cfm/the_origin_of_the_word_nature

My advice about not capitalizing Nature in a SOP was not driven by a desire to oppress Pagans!! I guess I still believe that, unless a SOP is specifically about the celebration of nature, it is better not to capitalize it, lest the reader think you are confused rather than an advocate for Nature-based spirituality.

So, if your religion is based on Nature, you sure should capitalize it. Mine is, I suppose, so I'll follow your advice and capitalize the word!!

Writing Feedback / Give reasons and make suggestions. unemployment problem , reasons and solutions. [3]

One of serious issues associated with this change is the high young unemployment rate among young people, which in turn results in a series of severe impacts on society and individuals.

It may be a heavy burden for a family to afford to provide for all its members. Just try to imagine such a situation where only one person works in a family while five people need to be supplied with food and other necessities. If a young couple raising children loses their employment , family quarrel seems to be inevitable .

With the further exploration the unemployment problem will be solved, ultimately.

:-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement "To. Future Roommate" (a roommate tutoring service) [6]


This seems like a very powerful sentence for some reason -- very warm and authentic.

If you want to know about me ahead, you can look around and will find my characteristics hidden in my stuff. --- another excellent sentence!! Very good! Put this together withh the first paragraph so that it becomes the last sentence of the first paragraph.

Oh.. I see what Christie means. "Stuff" is pretty informal, and that might not be god. But this is supposed to be a letter to a roommate, so it should not be too formal! Hmmmm... but really, it is not for a roommate; it is for the admissions ofice, so we had better listen to Christie... "... hidden in my personal belongings."

...can finally show off my 10-year-long-experience of disassembling and re-assembling computers.--- I wish you were my roommate! My laptop is always getting messed up. :-)

Well done, I think this is a great essay.

Graduate / marketing degree, Q2: What do you hope to achieve? [6]

Usually the school gives some guidance as to how long it should be. If no idea is given, though, I guess I would do a page and a half.

As I think it is the case with most individuals, some of my goals have also evolved or even changed over time. This is too obvious. Everyone does indeed have this happen. Let's start with this second sentence which says the same thing in a more interesting way:

At various stages of my life I envisioned myself in sometimes completely different industries. However, I can certainly say that I always dreamt of becoming a successful entrepreneur.

...nothing more rewarding to me than the feeling that I have built an organisation, from scratch, ... yeah!! As long as it is not an evil organization! Some people create good organizations that help people, and other people create predatory organizations!!

:-)Well, keep brainstorming to come up with a great theme for this essay so that in addition to explaining your aspirations you are also celebrating a theme or concept.

:-)

Writing Feedback / People are being demoralized day by day.Discuss IELTS GT [4]

The first paragraph should have one or two more sentences added to it to express exactly what message you are giving with this essay.

People have been more responsible about accepting others' opinions.

Conversely, over the last half century, the most frequent reason given for attending college has changed from reasons such as becoming an authority in a field or helping others to the desire to make a lot of money.------- very good sentence!!

Put these all together as one paragraph:
Firstly, government can set up counseling offices in each locality, which will help parents and children to solve their problems in this modernized era. as more likely both parents work outside . Secondly, communal organizations can be formed in every neighborhood. These clubs may arrange sports...

You write very, very well in English!!

Writing Feedback / Revising and ideas..How has your childhood shaped you as a writer [4]

As a child, I was encouraged to be open, focused, as well as descriptive in everything that I did; these three attributes helped to mold me into the writer that I am today.

The second reason I feel my childhood has helped to shape me, as a writer is the focus that was given to me as a child.

The last reason...

Use " " marks:
In closing, my parents once told me, "A good writer is one who says all he wants to say, says only what he means to say, and says exactly what he meant to say." Those few...

:-)

Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

...studying sleeplessly during finals. The all-occasion smile creates a warm college environment conducive to my learning and growth. --- this establishes that smile as a theme. But Christie is right! This does not tell how you became interested. Maybe you can talk about noticing that smile during visit to the campus, which sparked your interest.

use a comma:
I think of Eggers gratefully as I now open a book, excited to escape reality and enter another world.

:-)

Undergraduate / Vassar offers what I need to be successful [2]

This starts very abruptly. First atempt at what? Maybe you need to add one more sentence to the beginning of the first paragraph so that the first sentence becomes the second sentence.

No comma necessary here: immutable passion for learning not only make a warm academic environment but also greatly motivate me and give me someone to look up to.

Vassar's stereotypical open minded and progressive students lack materialism and conformity. --- what?! I don't get it. are you saying Vassar's students are typically open-minded and progressive and that they tend not to be materialistic or conformist? If so, don't use the word "lack" because it implies that they should have more materialism and conformity... and I don't think that is what you mean.

The last sentence is about an "enriching environment," and I think you could come up with a better last sentence! :-)

Book Reports / Narrative Theory about The Fifth Sally novel by Daniel Keyes [2]

Well, I think you should read some journal articles about narrative theory and list them in your reference list at the end of the paper.

Remember some points made by the authors, and even write a few paragraphs about things they wrote about narrative theory.

When you really understand and are interested in narrative theory -- as explained by many theorists throughout human history -- you can USE EXAMPLES FROM THE KEYES BOOK to demonstrate various elements of narrative theory.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Ethiopian child didn't have the most orthodox introduction to American culture" [7]


Being an author requires you to become a master of some subject matter that is meaningful to you. It does not matter if you want to write fiction or non-fiction; you must focus on mastering subjects that fascinate you. If you do that, and if you read Stephen King's On Writing, you will be ready!

Notice that the publishing industry is changing so much. You can't easily publish books these days. You should learn about Internet marketing in order to open doors of opportunity.

tengoldenrules.com

I shall refuse it and-without missing a beat-gulp down the red. ---- excellent! You are lucky your teachers stimulated your brain to form a sophisticated network for language processing when you were under 10 years old!! By the way you write, I can tell they were excellent teachers! :-)

Writing Feedback / "never thought college was important at all" - Cause and Effect [4]

When I was in high school my parents told me the effects of going to college. Attending college will help me make new friendships, learn new things, and help me with achieve a better future.

Your second paragraph does not support the argument you are making. You are supposed to show that going to college causes 3 things. Let the first paragraph be about how it causes you to make new friends:

Friendships are hard to make now a days. This does not support the argument
Friends are really important because they make part of my life. this does not support the argument.

This is a good topic sentence for paragraph 2:
Attending school will help me fiend new friends. (it is SUCH good topic sentence, because it tells what the paragraph is about.

and you continue: They will also be from ...
very good.

Topic sentence for paragraph 3:
Attending school will help me learn new things.
topic sentence for paragraph 4:
Attending school will help me make a better future for myself.

(the first sentence of a body paragraph should be a "topic sentence" that tells the topic of the paragraph.)
Conclusion paragraph:
Say your main idea again: college helps me make friends, learn new things, and make a better future... and talk about it a little.