Undergraduate / Canada summer 2018 - Social10. Your reaction to a problem and/or an unfamiliar situation [3]

In this essay, you mentioned that you explored several learning methods. That means you have to present at least 2 or 3 learning methods that helped you overcome your problem(s) in class. Presenting only one method, which seems to be highly simplistic in my opinion, doesn't really work. Not unless you change the statement to say that you had a problem specifically with the videos being shown in class so you had to repeatedly view the film after class. In truth, the essay is too shallow based on the chosen topic and presentation for it to make a memorable impression on the reviewer. Remember, you are not the only ESL student who will be applying to the university and your chosen theme could be common among the ESL applicants.

Essays / Community engagement experiences - need some ideas to write this essay... [2]

The prompt is related to your community and civic experiences such as being a volunteer for school student functions and activities, participating in community development activities, or helping in government sponsored civic duties. For example, being a red cross volunteer shows civic mindedness, which is a leadership trait. Helping to organize a town recovery activity after a calamity will help show your development as a leader as well. Even simply organizing a trash pick up in the community on weekends will show a sense of leadership. It all depends upon what your activities were and how you performed as a leader during that time.

Scholarship / Crude oil - offer suggestion on the arrangement and organization of my statement of purpose [2]

Change the age in this essay from 11 to 15 or older but use the same experience. The reviewer will not believe that you made a career decision at the age of 11. It has to be closer to a high school - I am thinking of a college major - age epiphany rather than a childish experience. Don't talk down to the reviewer. He already knows why the university he works for is the best in this field. Discuss instead why you hope to attend classes under the professor in their faculty. Why do you believe your career path can be influenced by this person? Don't say you graduated with "beautiful grades". That will not impress the reviewer. Discuss your academic honors and recognition along with your grade point average in college. Specifically discuss the classes where you excelled in relation to your masters course. Those will be of the utmost importance to the reviewer who is pondering whether or not you have the academic ability to complete the program. Don't mention an B scores. Focus on your A and A+ scores.

Letters / Readmission Letter for College [2]

Laura, the letter does not do enough to show that you are better prepared to attend college at this university now. Focusing so much on why you failed and so little on how you have changed over time isn't the way to go with this letter. Tell the reviewer what he wants to hear. Less of why you failed and more of why you hope to succeed as a student at this school this time around. Discuss your diagnosis and what drugs you are taking to prevent a relapse of your illness. Focus on the accomplishments you made while a student in the other school in Japan. Make the letter about how you have, over time come to be a responsible adult and student because of the failures that you had in the past. Discuss less of why you were a problem student. Instead, focus on the positive. Why are you the best student that the university can have now?

Writing Feedback / Aging populations in countries - WRITING TASK 1 Ielts [5]

There is a clear formatting problem in this essay. You need to have at least 3 paragraphs in the presentation that is composed of at least 150 words, but no more than 200. There is no sense in writing more words if the information you are presenting is not easy to read due to the formatting situation. There are 3 countries indicated in the line graph. Each country must have its information presented in its own paragraph. The paragraph should only focus on the information for the said country. Each paragraph should have 3 - 5 sentences each to be considered a complete paragraph for this task.

Word choice is also an issue in this essay. There is no such word as drammatical, but you could have said "dramatic" instead. You also need to know when you use a simple word instead of a complex word in your description sentences. Saying "witnessed" when "seen" would have been the more appropriate term to use will not help your vocabulary score. "Big Words" should be used only when applicable. It should not be used to try and impress the examiner when used out of context. There is also a lack of clarity in some of your sentence presentations. An example being, "We can see that was an increase of the proportion of population 65 years and over of Sweden similar to."Similar to what?

Letters / I am writing a motivation letter for data engineering master program at Jacob University [2]

Teren, the statement of purpose essay and the motivation letter are often confused by the student applicants. You have done the same thing. This is a statement of purpose, and a very strong one at that. It is not a motivation letter. The motivation letter should contain references to the basis of your desire for higher learning. That means, you have to discuss the current situation in data engineering, the shortcomings that you see, or the potential for improvement that you have found for yourself as an engineer that you hope to address (for problems) or develop (for improvements). You don't have to delete this essay. Keep it handy for the time when you need to write a statement of purpose. This essay will require only minimal tweaking to make it a highly useful SOP. Here is a clue as to how you can rewrite this essay. The motivation for improvement can be seen in the following sentence:

I found that there is a gap between research and industrial practice...

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile essay - About my aspirations and describing myself [2]

This is an example of an empty essay. While you wrote 250 words in the essay, you did not really introduce who you are to the reviewer. There is a lack of focus in the essay. Since you did not provide the prompt that you are responding to, I cannot really assess whether or not you have written an essay that is even close to responding to the prompt you have chosen to respond to. There is no personality development being discussed aside from a skimmed over reference to ""uncertainty during my youth". There is no explanation as to what this was, what happened, how you realized this was wrong, and what you did personally, to overcome this. Don't discuss your family and their participation. Merely mention them in passing. This all about you. The reviewer wants to know if you are truly ready for college and the constant mention of your family will only prove that you are not ready for college.

Scholarship / Journey of self-discovery - personal importance to you ~ NTU scholarship [2]

This is an essay about your discovery of self worth. It would be better if you are able to reflect upon that self worth as realization of your capacity as a person who can help others. While the extra curricular activities that you shared such as basketball and performing on stage are nice to read, it does not carry the same impact as your helping to building houses and winning in the Science Discovery challenges. If I were writing this essay, I would make sure to highlight how I came to understand my self worth through these notable activities, having progressed from my previous failures and sense of self doubt, as these are 2 activities that you participated in which will allow you to become a more competitive scholarship candidate.

Research Papers / "Healing from the Outside In: Veterans Helping Veterans in Nature" Thoughts appreciated [2]

The first 2 paragraphs should be combined to form the proper thesis statement for the research paper. You should also provide some examples of the currently existing treatments before you delve on the reasons why these treatments fail or inapplicable to the PTSD situation of the soldiers. You cannot provide the failures without first explaining how the existing programs work. There needs to be a basis for the failure and that is what is lacking in this presentation at the moment. Also, if reintegration is the focus your paper, then you should limit the discussion of PTSD and its accompanying treatment. It divides the focus of the paper so that the reader expects both, not just reintegration via wilderness and backpacking to be discussed in the research. While PTSD is a related topic, it should not be included in a manner that makes it seem like it is a major part of the research and discussion of the paper.

By the way, for your own personal data protection, do not include any identifying markers in your postings. While we do everything we can to protect your data privacy at this forum, we can't help you if you post your data publicly as you did with this paper. Just a word of caution :-)

Undergraduate / Queen's Commerce PSE - ECs Impact and Learning Outcome, value of collaboration [2]

I do not feel as if you have properly reflected the lesson in cooperation and community in the 2nd paragraph of the essay. With 336 words written for an essay that is supposed to be 300 or less words, you would have done well to lessen the back story in the first paragraph so you could focus the story on the way that you developed the collaboration, cooperation, and leadership experiences on your part while founding the club. Try to give the club's name in the essay to give is a sense of reality before you explain your position. Explain the mission and objective of the club. By the way, your club cannot be a school event. Rather, the action of the club is part of the school event. For example, you could say "How to Find a Club" is an organization that, through my instigation, has been participating in the school fair for the past 3 years" -- or something like that. You also have to explain how your club works for the benefit of the reader who has no idea how the club logistics come into play for your organization.

Writing Feedback / Topic: instead of preventing climate change, we need to find a to coexist, Agree or Disagree [2]

Your thesis paragraph, also known as paragraph one, tends to be confusing to read due to the problematic sentence structure. It lacks a degree of clarity that would help the examiner fully grasp what you are trying to say. Since a question has been posed in this essay, your final sentence should present your response to it as a personal opinion. Let me show you what I mean:


- The past decades have seen the development of a discussion regarding climate change. Is it crucial that we develop ways and means of combating environmental changes or, should we simply learn to live with it? I believe that we should do our best to defeat climate change.

Please note how my example highlights my ability to use word variations, which will help to increase the vocabulary score. Every sentence also has a clear topic trigger / subject which allows the examiner to fully understand what the main discussion point of my thesis presentation is. I also used a topic sentence at the end that could easily serve as the transition sentence for the next paragraph.

Additionally, if you wish to count out your discussion reasons, make sure to use one count per paragraph. While I do not advise counting out the reasons as it prevents one from actually developing each topic idea, you should know that a separate full discussion of each topic is the best way to get a good score. They are looking for well developed themes in every paragraph, not just a mix-match of ideas that don't make full sense when read.

Writing Feedback / Developed countries should provide technical aids rather than financial aid to developing countries [2]

Right off the bat I saw some punctuation conventions that you failed to follow such as using a comma to separate related words or terms in a sentence. You also have some word confusion when it comes to usage. It is better to say "... even help both sides" instead of "benefit both sides". Since you did not post the actual prompt with this essay, I am unable to analyze your response essay for its relevance to the given discussion topic. What I can say is that you should not write more than 300 words if you want to have enough time to review and correct errors during the actual test. Learn to spot check each paragraph so that you can save time towards the end when you finally need to proofread your overall written work.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 2 IELTS Essay about having a satisfying career [2]

With only 50 minutes to complete both writing tasks, I do not advise that you write more than 275-300 words per essay. Remember, it is not the length that will help you score well but rather, the expertise that you show in writing in the English language. You have to write in such a manner that you are easily and quickly understood by the reader. Focus on making sure that your grammar, spelling, clarity in writing are as perfect as can be. Based on your work here, I can tell that there was no proofreading done. You have such simple errors as hitting the space bar to separate the end of the previous sentence from the next one in the paragraph, metholodies when you meant methodologies, and a lack of conciseness when it comes to presenting specific terms. The essay has a clear point of view, it is the presentation based on scoring considerations that pulled down the quality of your writing.

Scholarship / Dynamic leaders - UGRAD - Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

The last sentence in the first paragraph should be deleted. There is no sense in you telling the reviewer what he already knows about Sociology and the position of the US universities in its educational process. Delete that line to allow that paragraph to end on a stronger note. Paragraph 2 is just a filler. It doesn't really help to enhance your image a a potential leader in your country. In paragraph 3, don't talk of future plans. Instead, focus the discussion your participatory experience that helped hone your leadership skills. About the Vun Art experience, don't mention any names. Just say one was a Jew and the other was Chinese. A larger description of how you personally helped to resolve their issues would also further enhance your potential as a future leader upon your return to your home country. The last paragraph. is a throw away. It closes the essay on a weak note and does not help to tie together all of your experiences as a response as to why you would make an excellent participant in the program.

Undergraduate / Square ONE - Common app essay suggestions [2]

There are several development plot points in your essay that require further attention in order to tie the essay together. I'll list these missing plot points below:

1. Who was instrumental in developing that mindset in you? Why was it important to that person that you be like minded?
2. Explain what version of the original mindset was developing in you and why you thought that way. Expand on the "one of the greats" discussion.

The essay itself shows a deeper understanding and self revelation through your suicidal experience. The problem is the lack of backstory and a presentation of how your understanding of your place in the world has led you to your mindset that has helped you become a better person. An understanding of your circumstances is not the same as developing a personal ideology that helps you become a better person and live a better life. Don't just say "if you don't..." Instead, show the reviewer how you put those beliefs into action, revealing a now fully matured person in both action and thought process.

Writing Feedback / Transformation in transportation infrastructures regarding the routes accessing to a city hospital [2]

197 words can be considered an acceptable number of words to write for this task, which has a 150 minimum word requirement. While the information you presented can be considered complete, your essay presentation will receive a score mark down due conciseness errors. When referring to only one comparison image, there is no need to say "this particular parking" since your previous description indicates there is only one parking area for image comparison. Simply saying "This parking facility..." would have shown that you are capable of saying things directly. A trait important in a student who may be asked to do research in the future. Be direct, state the facts as indicated. Your vocabulary score will increase when you show that you can easily express yourself using relevant words without the use of word fillers.

Writing Feedback / Writing Test 2: Job Subject - a work suitable for men or women [2]

Trang, your scored will be helped if you write at least 275-300 words instead of only a little over the minimum of 250 words. By writing more than the expected or average number of English words, you will be able to show off your vocabulary and sentence building skills. You will also be able to better explain yourself if you break out of the box of expectations and try to present your essay in a manner that will increase your score tremendously.

Your work shows acceptable sentence structure and spelling skills. You do have a bit of a problem in terms of conciseness though. You have a tendency to use word fillers and phrases such as "are considered to be", when you can just as well have said "are". There is no need to count out your paragraphs with terms such as "firstly". Simply use a topic sentence to indicate that.

Research Papers / Gun Control Effectiveness - English 102 Paper. Look over sentence structure, organization and thesis [2]

Sarah, the essay does not have a proper thesis. The thesis needs to have a basis in the direction that your research paper or information will be flowing/presenting. Since you are discussing the history of gun control, the first paragraph should lead the reader to understand if you are pro or anti gun control. That way you thesis statement will be clear at the end of the paragraph. Right now, you are presenting information regarding the history but not giving the reader a reason to care about what your information presentation will be about.

You must also be aware that the thesis statement must never contain actual research information nor research. It must only contain information coming from your personal point of view and should reflect your own intentions for beginning and presenting this research. As of now, this essay does not do that. In addition to this, the concluding paragraph must only present a summary of the previous information presented. I must, just like the thesis paragraph, never end with a quotation or paraphrase of someone else's thoughts. That leaves the essay open ended and as such, could receive a mark down as you will be considered to have submitted an incomplete paper for grading.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Applying for Master in e-Business Management [2]

Diana, it would be best to be less wordy in your personal statement. An A4 size or 500 word essay would be best in this instance. Removing the information that will allow you to write a more impressive statement of purpose would allow you to better expand the personal side of this discussion, which should only cover the basis of the development of your interest in e-Business Management. The essay also fails to show that you are the kind of student that would excel in this program since you failed to indicate any academic accomplishments such as academic honors or competition placements. Your last paragraph should not be used because making a direct appeal to the reader does not help to increase the quality of your qualifications. As of now, the letter is a good draft, but in bad need of proper content editing and focus.

Undergraduate / Society goals - WHY WOULD YOU BE A GREAT PARTICIPANT FOR THE GLOBAL UGRAD PROGRAM? #ESSAY 1 [2]

Sam, your essay provides a generalized review of how you view your country and leadership skills. Unfortunately, these types of information are not enough for this scholarship program. Remember that this is a written interview and as such, allows you to extensively explain why you should be chosen for the scholarship. With that said, you need to expand on the content of your essay. You need to profile yourself as a worthy candidate through actual leadership participation examples. These sorts of examples should also highlight what skills and world views you can share with the other participants. Ensure that you also highlight how the academic exposure you will be getting will help you once you return to your home country. Mention potential collaborations you might want to undertake in a show of cooperation between the participating students from other countries (as well the USA as the host country) and yourself. At this point, your essay comes across as too vague to be of value in representing you, your skills, academic potential, and world view with the reviewer.

Essays / Writing a Personal Statement for UK Universities - Postgraduate [3]

It sounds to me like you are thinking of applying for the Chevening scholarship. In which case, you should not make any assumptions regarding any information you wish to present because the essays related to the scholarship application all have specific discussion requirements that you have to deliver. Don't present any information that is not being required in the essay. If you can somehow relate your personal experiences to the prompt discussions then that is what you should do. You should always consider the required discussion information for the essay. Do not assume that you know what information to present to the reviewer. Many an applicant have been rejected because of it.

Never use the same essay for all 3 universities. Yes, there will be plagiarism checking. Speak of each university individually based upon the strengths of the core curriculum and your academic pursuits that should align with the program offerings of the university. The 3 universities will have difference sin their program presentations so you have to highlight those differences in every individual essay that you write. Make the essay seem like the university is always your first and sole university choice. Not that it is just one of 3 possible choices.

Like I said, there is the plagiarism problem so it is always best to use an original essay for each university PS and application. Rehashed information could get flagged. The method of vetting essays and applications have changed these days. The essays are now investigated for originality and authorship. In the case of a US application, it gets even stricter because of the "Operation Varsity Blues" college scam that has affected both under and post graduate application processes.

Essays / "Experiences" - Question about the topic given for my personal statement [3]

Geralyn, the choice of how to interpret the question depends upon you. You can't ask us how approach the essay because in the end, it is your understanding of the prompt that will create the essay that you will be writing. If you choose to develop your interest in Physiotherapy within the personal statement then that is your personal preference. If you want to explain how your past experience can help you become a competent therapist, then that is your interpretation of the prompt. There are no right or wrong answers to these prompts. It is only the interpretation of the student that will create the presentation of the essay. In this instance, you may be right with your 2 assumptions. How you finally plan to present your response is all up to you. Like I said, the whole instruction is subject to interpretation. Both understandings that you have of the prompt are correct, you just have to choose which version you want to use for your response presentation.

Undergraduate / Environmental Science - My Study Plan essay for the Canadian Embassy [2]

Sayed, your reason for wanting to study in Canada will be better served if you remove the paragraph about the G7. Instead, focus your response on explaining what your academic goals are and how these apply to your professional ambitions. Based on your explanation of these 2 goals, you should be able to offer a stronger justification of why you have chosen to accept the offer of the university and why you believe Canada is the best place for you to get your academic training in relation to your future ambitions. Since this is a study plan presentation, you should not mention your family in the essay. These are unimportant as the family does not offer proof of an effective and relevant study plan. Focus on presenting the required information in the essay, which is the study plan. So you can also skip paragraphs 2 and 3 in the presentation. Overall, you have a decent draft essay once you remove the irrelevant parts. Work on strengthening the presentation once you have removed the less than relevant information from the essay.

Writing Feedback / Equal investment on railways and roads?: IELTS 2 [3]

Crystal, kindly familiarize yourself with the various discussion methods by which the Task 2 essay is completed. When considering a response to an extent question, you must only consider the original topic for discussion in relation to the question. You should not change the discussion topic as you did in this presentation. That is why this essay cannot receive a passing score. You went off topic during the discussion:

Topic: Governments should spend more money on railways rather than roads.
Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Your Topic: Although railway transport is critical to the economic development of a country...
Response: I would argue that road transport is of the equal importance.

As you can see from the outline, you changed both the discussion topic and you failed to respond to the question being asked. This shows a lack of English comprehension skills or a disregard for instructions provided. Either way, you can assure yourself of a failing score in the TA section, which, due to the wrong discussion format, will completely lead to a failing score had this been an actual test.

Scholarship / Taking initiative - I contributed to implementing change or reform in my organization. [3]

Raja, your essay needs a more effective presentation. You are telling the reader that your friend started the organization and that you are helping out. However, you have not specifically indicated what type of helpful participation you have made to the organization. You are speaking in general terms, referring to your group, rather than your individual participation.

The essay is asking you to focus on your individual accomplishments in addressing the educational problem of your country. I do not believe that this essay is effective as you are not the main problem solver in this instance, you are only a supportive follower. What you need is a presentation that show that you are the point person when it comes to addressing the specific problem, not an assistant who works with a team. That defeats the leadership contribution you should have been able to highlight as a part of the solution to the problem.

You failed to represent the following:

1. Aspect/s of your leadership knowledge, skills and practice you consider to be well established and effective;
2. A reference to the creative methods for problem solving that were used.

Writing Feedback / It is argued that preventing problems relevant to health is more crucial than curing these problems [3]

Phan, you have not followed the discussion requirements for this essay. This happened because you went in a different direction for your discussion when compared to the original discussion instruction you were provided:

Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Response: Basically, I side with this standpoint, however, the role of treatment can never be ignored.

This is a single opinion extent essay. Yet your response represents a two point of view discussion. That runs counter to the instructions you were provided. Therefore, the TA section of this essay will be non-passing in consideration. You did not offer a response that reflects the discussion requirement of the original presentation. Therefore, the essay will fail a major part of the scoring process and most likely not be able to reach a passing score for the remaining considerations in the end.

Writing Feedback / Nurses are a critical part of healthcare and make up the largest section of the health profession [2]

Sydnea, what is the whole point of this paper? It is a highly informative research paper that failed to represent a purpose for its being within the first paragraph. There is no thesis presentation that can help the reader understand the topic, why it is important to discuss it, and what research and solutions might be proposed within the paper. The essay covers some highly valid discussion points and offers solutions to the nursing shortage problem. That is the main strength of this paper. The weakness, lies in how you failed to represent a thorough overview of the topic itself and the reasons why you feel compelled to to this research. If you will just fix the introduction and thesis statement part, the essay will be alright. Remember, the introduction must never contain a reference to a quoted source since this is the part where the essay is just kicking off. You are still explaining the importance of the research so factual data is not yet required.

Graduate / Study Plan for Canada Study Permit- MEng in Civil and Env Engineering. [2]

Yeu, I am afraid that this is not a valid study plan. You have only explained your extenuating circumstances with regards to your possibility of becoming an undocumented immigrant in Canada at the end of your studies. However, You have not successfully represented a valid reason to believe that what you plan to study will be of help to your country. Neither have you proven that you have an employer waiting for you in Malaysia after you complete your graduate studies. The issuing officer will not believe any of the requirements that you will be presenting with regards to your parents supporting your studies because you lack the major requirement of a graduate student; at least 2 years work experience and a supporting document from your office indicating their support (financial or otherwise) of your studies. You have also failed to present a valid study plan in terms of how the graduate studies will help you in terms of career advancement within your workplace. It is because of these reasons that this explanation is still not going to end up getting you an approved student visa in Canada. Without the professional aspect, there is simply no reason for the officer to believe that you have valid reasons to return to Malaysia. Aging parents and siblings of academic age will not help. It will only strengthen the impression that you have stronger reasons to overstay in Canada after your studies. Unless you can improve the professional aspect, I do not believe that you will manage to get approved even with your improved financial presentation this time around.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 2] Giving judges the access to past police record of a defendant [5]

Tran, I find that my students find it easier to create a paraphrase when they have 4 instead of 3 sentences to rewrite in their prompt paraphrase. My students use the following outline to create their restatements:

1. Topic Sentence: Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to info about the defendant's past criminal record.

2. Reasoning Sentence: This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.
3. Thesis Statement: Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all past facts before the reach their decision about the case.

4. Discussion Instruction: Do you agree or disagree?

Once you have properly identified and outlined the different parts of the discussion, you will be able to properly rephrase or reword the presentation like this:

1. Topic Sentence: British and Australian criminal rules prevent undue influence on the jury by not letting them know the criminal has prior offenses.
2. Reasoning Sentence: This is to shield the suspect from the jurors prejudging the accused.
3. Thesis Statement: Law practitioners believe that this practice must be ended and the jury must be informed of the past criminal record of the accused prior to deciding the case.

4. I disagree / agree with this opinion for specific reasons.

Do you see how outlining your paraphrase per section could make it easier for you to create your own restatement of the topic? It is much easier to create a Task 2 essay when you first outline all the discussion points, then build on the actual presentation in paragraph form. The outline helps you to not deviate from the original presentation.

Undergraduate / Scolding parents - This is about myself that I would like to share with you [3]

Amirul, your essay is too rushed and does not effectively introduce you to the listener. You may wish to consider using introductory topic sentences and transition sentences in between discussion topics and information presentation so that the listener does not feel overwhelmed and confused by your presentation. The topic and transition sentences are actually part and parcel of an effective speech presentation as it helps the listener keep track of the information you are presenting. By the way, since there are differences between UK and US English, you have to tell us which version of the language you are studying so that the proper grammar advice can be given to you. Right now, I will assume that you are studying for the IELTS and that you have to become familiar with the UK English version. My advice will be applicable to that learning setting.

Remember to add a comma after the word "also" when you are adding new, but unrelated information in a sentence. You should also use a comma when writing a greeting so that you can add a pause which will allow you to breathe and give the listener time to prepare for the next half of your speech. There is also a need to use a comma when describing a past event such as "But when I became an adult, I am a ..."It appears that you required the use of a comma throughout most of your presentation. You have to familiarize yourself with the methods by which a comma is used in general English writing.

The constant need for a comma in your sentences prove that you are writing run-on sentences. Rather than constantly requiring the use of a comma, it would be better if you learned how to write simple and complex sentences that use a full stop,. represented by a period at the end of every sentence. It makes the paragraph easier to read on your part, and allows the listener a chance to digest the information you have just provided before moving on to the next one.

Scholarship / Development impact statement....Cancer Pharmacology [2]

Abdul, your essay responded to only 2 parts of the discussion requirements. You were able to present information regarding the following topics:

How your proposed study relates to a particular ...
How your proposed study relates to development ...

The remaining portions of your essay do not relate in response to any of the remaining required discussion requirements. That is the main reason why I cannot recommend that you use this essay as a part of your application documents. There needs to be a continuing discussion of all the required topics, in relation to one another so that this essay may be considered applicable to the prompt requirements.

By the way, you need to edit the first part of the essay. Remove the global reference to cancer information and focus only on the Nigerian aspect as that is the actual requirement of the prompt. Review all of the prompt requirements. Use an outline to respond to the questions. Make sure you offer a proper and applicable response to every discussion topic.

Don't just write for the sake of writing. That is how you ended up with this non-applicable personal statement. Always refer to the prompt requirements and make sure your responses are clear and on point each time. The outline will be helpful to you in crafting your response and new essay.

Writing Feedback / Exercising - A Natural Way to Help Your Health [3]

Dong, since this is not an extent essay, your agreement should not be presented as a measured response. It should only be a simple response. Additionally, the prompt paraphrase and concluding summary needs a minimum of 3 sentences. Writing only 2 sentences represents an automatic underdeveloped paragraph that will affect the C&C section of your essay. The C&C sections requires a minimum of 3, maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph.

Since this is a single opinion essay. The mention and discussion of a person's diet created a prompt deviation. This will affect your TA accuracy score because you introduced a topical discussion that was not required, thus changing the discussion slant of the essay. This is a 2 reasoning paragraph, not 3 reasoning essay response.

Even though you wrote more than 300 words, the essay that you wrote will not get a passing score due to the mistakes that you have made. Additionally, you will not be able to write that many words during the actual test. Always practice writing using a timer to ensure that you write only the right number of words (250-300) that will allow you to review, edit, and revise the essay before submission.

Writing Feedback / Children suffer more pressure from academic, social and commercial aspects [3]

Le, unfortunately, all of the reviews int he world will not be able to help this essay in its current form. Once you submit an essay for scoring that has less than the 250 minimum word requirement, the examiner will have no other recourse but to fail your Task 2 test. In this instance, you provided an essay of a mere 208 words. 42 words short of the test minimum requirement. The 42 words will be one of the severe reasons for your points deductions in the TA section. The other reason your test will fail, is because you failed to offer a direct response to the questions being asked of you in the original prompt. As such, the TA score will be considered only partially correct or tangential in response. Added to the rest of the errors that exist in this essay, there is simply no chance of your essay even making it near a passing score.

Writing Feedback / The importance of fashionable clothes to humans - Review my IELTS [5]

Tran, I know that you put a great effort into working ont his essay. Unfortunately, your efforts were all for naught because you failed to provide a proper prompt para[hrase for this essay. You changed the discussion from the original one provided to one that you chose to discuss, hence the automatic failing TA score, which always leads to a failed Task 2 test. Here is the point where your essay automatically failed:

Original prompt: In modern .... Why? Do ...positive or negative development?
Response: Many years ago, our ancestor that underwent the situation of stablising the world that occured countless war to invade or self - defend. In this situation, hardly we could conceive that fashion would be more precise in the future. In my view, it is a great expression to reflect the society progressing.

War and our ancestors have nothing to do with the topic to be discussed. The time frame referred to in the essay is "modern times", which means present day. Aside from that, you are not provided a response (positive or negative) to the direct question. Instead, you are saying that fashion is reflects social progress. That is not a positive or negative response. The correct paraphrase is:

Our current social structure places more emphasis on the way that people choose their look through a particular dress style. I believe that this is happening because social media constantly promotes the idea of the #OOTD (Outfit Of The Day). As a result, society has been negatively affected by the modern fashion movement.

Your prompt paraphrase must always remain aligned with the original presentation. You should never create your own discussion topic or requirements that runs counter to the original set of discussion instructions.

Scholarship / Master of Mgt-Why are the skills and knowledge you describe important to your country development? [2]

Phonevilay, the skills required for proper management leaders in this sector is unclear. The discussion cannot reference general information as you do so in this essay. Rather, it requires that you describe what skills and knowledge you hope to develop and the type of contribution developing those skills can contribute to the development of your country. Focus your response in the government thrust to drive development. Why are there not enough leaders being produced by local colleges and universities in your country? What specific skills are lacking? Think of leadership traits, not communication or human relations traits. We are talking here of why you feel that you have the potential to be trained to be one of the up and coming leaders in your country after you complete this degree. What you have written is actually a non-answer to the question. That means, you provided a response, but not a targeted response to the essay question. That makes your response useless with regards to application considerations.

Undergraduate / Biology study - What are your career goals and how did you develop them? [3]

Carmen, the response is incomplete. Either use the first topic sentence about how your goal is to study medicine so you can become a doctor or you want to become a doctor to help kids. Both are topic sentences but will not allow you to properly respond to the how you have developed your skills leading to either field with only 400 characters allowed for the response.

Once you have settled upon which of the two topic sentences you wish to use, write a single sentence explanation as to how you have managed to create a foundation for this interest. If you choose the study Biology topic, then explain what you have done so far to help you become a better biologist such as attending biology symposiums or working with a scientist in the field.

If you choose becoming a doctor to help kids, then you have to explain how you were exposed to the field of pediatrics and what you have learned about it so far. For example, you could explain that you work as a volunteer at a pediatric clinic or something. You cannot use two topic sentences in this essay without having explanatory sentences that explain how you developed the interest or how you have grown the foundation of that interest.

Scholarship / Master of Management - What skills and knowledge do you hope to gain from your proposed study? [2]

Phonevilay, your essay sounds like you have just read the website of the school you wish to enroll in, chosen a course, then cut and paste the information found about the course on the website. The reviewer will be looking for applicants with a true interest in the course. Not just a superficial interest that is based on little to no understanding of what the course requirements are. Your essay falls exactly under the kind of essay that the reviewer does not want to read.

To improve the content of this essay, you must first examine your personal interest in the course. The personal interest should be based on 2 aspects, the personal and academic. The academic goals will respond to the knowledge you hope to gain from the proposed study. The skills part, will refer to the practical application you hope to achieve and enhance upon your return to your profession. Therefore, you need to present a 2 paragraph essay that analyzes the weaknesses you have in these 2 areas. For every weak area, explain how the course you have chosen will respond to the strengthening you need.

You already said it, you have a local masters degree that isn't good for much in your profession. Start from there. Why isn't your local degree good for anything? What areas were left weak, in your opinion, even though you completed the course? Consider that discussion then develop a totally new response essay from there.

Scholarship / Realistic markets - SOP, KOREAN GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM [5]

The universities may not require it, but the GKS scholarship does. So you have to accommodate the requirements of the applications forms if you want to be considered for the scholarship. Incomplete applications will not be processed. Applications that do not meet the requirements of the application procedure will also not be considered. If you review the scholarship documents, you will find that the Goal of Study program has a specific presentation that you have to complete. Respond to the requirements whether the university you plan to apply to requires it or not. The GKS scholarship application requires it and that is what matters the most.

Do not think for even a second that you know better than the GKS reviewer and that you will make it past the screening round based upon what you think you should be presenting as opposed to what is required within the presentation. Anyway, I am only giving you advise based on my experience as a reviewer, guiding the application process for this scholarship for hundreds of students long before you came to the forum for a review. Do with your essay as you will.

Scholarship / Realistic markets - SOP, KOREAN GOVERNMENT SCHOLARSHIP PROGRAM [5]

Hasmik, the study plan is a specific summarized version of your thesis proposal. What you wrote does not qualify based on the requirements which are:

Title of Study
Goal of Study
Assumed Completion Time Table
Detailed Description

For this essay you have to come up with a response that provides the above information. I am not sure what you plan to research for the final year thesis so I can't really guide you in developing the aforementioned information. The only part of the presentation that should be in paragraph form is the detailed study plan which provides an overview / summary of the following:

Thesis Statement
Methodology
Expected Outcome

Try to present your Goal of Study / Study Plan in the outline I have presented above so that it will be properly formatted and responsive to the information requirements of the prompt.

Scholarship / Masters in Education, Study Plan. [2]

Nuraiym, for the goal of study and study plan, you must develop a title for your research and an objective for your research. Basically, you have to explain the relevance of your research, the method by which you will complete the research and your expected outcomes in essay form. as an example, the format is:

Goal of Study: To learn the difference between Korean and English
Title of Study: A Comparative Analysis of Korean and English Languages
Detailed Study Plan:
My research will involve an exposure to...I plan to study these themes through the use of...In the end, I hope to...

This will be the preliminary presentation before you actually delve into the deeper presentation of your tentative thesis proposal. This is in essay form but requires a specific overview of your research topic and methodology. It is not a semester by semester report of what you want to learn and how you plan to learn it. I am afraid you have not properly responded to the prompt requirements. You have to write a proper response using the example format above.