Undergraduate / Why Chicago? Supplement - how does UChic satisfy desire for learning =) [4]

Look at how much nicer it is if you omit the first 2 words:
To me, c College should be an intellectual frontier with ...

This is some great writing; your spongy brain is on to something good when you use words like cozy and spongy... very good, you are one of the subtle expressers of feelings, a wordsmith with real magic.

I think your first paragraph is too long.

Undergraduate / Pratt Personal Statement - Design [3]

This is an essay that seems like it could be improved by switching the first and last paragraphs. Try to imagine the difference that you would make in the reader's experience if, right at the start, you introduce the idea of being a product designer.

I stayed on-campus for a month and attended classes 6 six days eac h week.

Undergraduate / the Pacific Ocean, Describe a personal event- common app [5]

Here is an idea I had:
A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I was greeted by the Pacific Ocean for the first time during my freshman year.
Or the active voice:
A sense of unbridled freedom besieged me as I greeted the Pacific Ocean greeted me for the first time my freshman year.

As you compare those options for the first sentence, enjoy the rhythm of written expression.

Hey, you have a great way with words. This is very good!

Undergraduate / "I hope to envision, to design and to execute" - Cornell - Why Engineering [12]

Please spend some time reading other people's essays and give them your ideas and impressions as feedback.

Undergraduate / Cornell College of Human Ecology Supplement-- [4]

Yes, it is tough to give the 2 different responses and still have one memorable "main idea" that will stick in the reader's mind. But the way to make an impression is to advance one bold idea.

Among the majors in the College, I believe the Human Biology, Health, and Society (HBHS) undergraduate program would be the best grounds for me to develop and extend my interest in health issues in relation to overall human wellness. This is just so general and meaningless. It will be meaningful when it is specific. Refer to a specific problem you will solve, or refer to a specific philosophy of medicine that you believe in. :-)

Undergraduate / Common App: Evaluate a significant experience -getting lost in an airport [3]

As we made our farewells to the city and walked into the San Francisco Airport, I reluctantly thought (choose a different verb for this spot).

Too young to realize the aftermath of staying up all night, I had joined in the conversations that lasted until dawn.

Alright, the notion I want to express to you is that this experience is not worthy of representing your intellectual potential. It must have been an unforgettable experience, but if you want to use it for this essay you need to do it in a way that makes it represent a THEME for the essay. It needs to be an example to show a theme of... well, what is the theme? What makes this meaningful? Is it meaningful because your experience at age 12 made you realize the importance of being prepared? Establish the essay's theme at the beginning of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / idiosyncrasies or peculiarities about ourselves, UChicago essay [23]

No, it does not mean that. I wrote what I was thinking when I was four sentences into the essay. It all became clear. To tell you the truth, I think this is going to be a big success. Who could read this and not be intrigued by you. I have a weird twitch, and I know many people with variations of OCD... and this is even more intriguing than our disorders. As if life is not already a weird enough trip... ha ha.

Well, eat nutritious food so that you'll produce plenty of art and music for all of us to enjoy. I look forward to seeing what you contribute to the world... you with your gift/disorder.

Undergraduate / UMich Prompt--Describe your interests&aspirations in engineering [5]

After my first engineering project, I knew the path that I would follow in my future. in my first engineering project. We are encouraged to transform the hair-dryer, just brought from the market, into a musical instrument without using additional material. in that project .

And here is another idea for you:
By working with them, I was able to enhance my communication and team work skills and my ability in mathematics and science; I am now convinced ready to rise to the challenges and meet them with resolve.

:-)

I think this will be better if you mention some specific interests you have within this field of engineering. What projects excite you most? Show the reader that you are already becoming knowledgeable in this field.

Letters / Should I include a speaking occasion on my CV if I never actually spoke? [3]

Well, inspiration is a tricky wave to catch. The important thing is to try to muster some real spirit to splash onto the page. You can talk about these experiences honestly, exactly as they occurred, and let your introspection and observation reflect your thoughtful personality.

There is no sure answer to the question you pose, here. The trick is to wait for inspiration to come, and capture the inspired stuff. You can talk about what went right and what went wrong in a way that expresses your good intentions and scholarly aspiration.

Graduate / Am I being too vague? PhD, comm culture media [2]


Maybe this is a little too much excitement about ejaculation. If you are going to use this as the topic of your essay, it will be good if you take your time and make a strong case for it. You should probably make up for the potential stigma by compensating with intellectual and philosophical observations, citing articles perhaps. And is it really necessary to refer to a sex shop? You obviously write very well, so the next thing to do is carefully establish your professional and scholarly attitude.

Undergraduate / Common App short answers - Activity, and Secondary School Interruption [5]

I really like your first sentence. This is some great use of language. The parentheses are used in a way that really adds interest.
How about putting a colon where that comma is in the first sentence.

The other material in parentheses, I think, detracts from the essay and should be removed. I think you should cut out those 2 parenthetical tid bits of info -- 800 mile move and them in their twenties )

The ending is excellent. :-)

Undergraduate / Challenging,stimulating,or provocative boook - Michigan essay help [4]

I read the book years this summer-----> what do you mean by this? I don't know how to correct this, because I don't know what you are trying to convey.

it gives me more insightful comprehension about Andy's life. ----> this sentence is awkward, too. It gives me deep insight into Andy's life.

Andy impresses me with his determination and intelligence. Whatever he does his purpose is to help innocents and to escape. Meanwhile he maintains a perfect relationship with everybody in the prison.

Shawshank Redemption has an undeniable influence on me. After reading the book I gradually developed greater sense of desire and persistence . I learn from the book that a person's independence, persistence , and all other special characteristics are coming from one's desire for his or her goal. Andy's goal is freedom, and my goal is to become a great mechanical engineer, in which a dream that I set for myself as early childhood.

I think you can write a powerful paragraph if you refer to the truth that the King expresses in the book, and explain how you can embody that truth with your process as a mechanical engineer.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement Essay on my Drama Team Experience [6]

Yes, but I don't know if this paragraph felt inspired when you wrote it. Does this paragraph make you feel a sense of fulfillment that comes with expressing subtle truth, capturing something meaningful in words? I think it is weak to say, "Through theatre, I learned..." because you could instead write about a specific experience: "During practice sessions in which we had to improvise dialogue, I learned..."

But I know you have to cut out some words, so it would be hard to add any there. Still, check to see if it feels inspired. Check to see if you come up with an especially clever way to say the same thing with words that will stick in the reader's mind forever.

Undergraduate / Cornell Supplemeent - Intellectual Interests at College of Arts and Sciece =) [4]

what do you mean about a school closing its doors to students with genetic disabilities? What country do you live in?

So, at the end, I notice that I think you should add one last sentence as an example to support what you say about the way the students are; say something you observed or read about the schoo that makes you think the students are that way.

Also, I think you shoud do a paragraph break and start the last paragraph like this:

Furthermore Only at the College of Arts and... ---> and if you add a sentence of example at the end like I suggested above, it will make the last paragraph long enough, and it might be a good example that lingers in the reader's mind to let them remember your astute observation.

:-)

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Question- Why Lehigh? and Define Equity and Community? [7]

Furthermore the passion and devotion that one has for their community will in turn make said community stronger. ---> I think people don't normally use the word "said" this way... only in legal documents! So, it is unnatural.

And right after that sentence, you segue somewhat ungracefully into talking about the school. I guess I think you should talk about Leheigh in a separate paragraph.

Yes, it sure does answer the prompt quite well!

Undergraduate / "independent person"- family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are? [3]

My family's culture has given me the confidence to overcome every obstacle that has been presented to me. ----> I wonder what it is about culture that gives confidence. Maybe you can back this claim up with a brief explanation?

My parents showed me how to treat others in spite of (I think it will be better to say "regardless of") race, religion, or background. Thanks to their efforts I learned how to accept others with questioning their backgrounds.

At the end, I am left wondering abot th specific ways your family made you feel confident. How about some examples?

Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]


Well, out of respect to your father it might be nice to not mention that, but this is indeed an example of something that would make you a more well-rounded character in the eyes of the reader. In the end it is up to you. You will be a success no matter what you choose. Since you understand what I meant, you should be the one to make the decision. It depends on what experience you want to create for the reader. that is what you should ask yourself every time you write.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Grammar question: More knowledgeable than "I" or "me"? [9]


Oh! you are so smart. I wish I had thought to say that. I agree, this is the best advice. What an interesting thread this is...We need your help! :-)

Poetry / Various short poems- i wrote these poems last year for my English 3 honors class [3]

The one about Yellow seems simplistic in the way you wrote the lines to accommodate the rhymes... I do not like it as much as the others. I also don't like the ending of the poem about your big brother, because it seems like a superficial observation "isn't he sweet?"

But nevermind that! The more important point is that you are a genius! This is great poetry, especially the first 2. those are my favorites! Thanks so much for sharing these. I think you must already know that you write very well.

Research Papers / Research paper on scientific research [9]

Hello Dr. Eman! We can help to some extent. Simply paste your material here, and one of us will help a little for free. If you need a whole article edited, though, maybe you should look for a paid editing service. Do you want to start by posting part of the article here?

Undergraduate / 'Cherishing liberty' - Davidson College Essay- Honor Code [4]

A parent is more willing to send their child off to college if they know that there is a law by which the community is bound by . ----> you make some god points here. This reasoning is also why trade relations with some developing nations are so complex. Businesspeople do not want to business with countries where standards and regulations are not enforced.


I don't know if it is the code that accomplishes this... or if it is something more that is required. What is it that causes the honor code to be upheld? Whatever it is, it should have a place in your essay.

:-)

I think I will enroll at this school! You convinced me that is it a unique place with wise leadership. Like I said, though, I think you should try to figure out what makes the leadership so successful and express that in the essay... not just to improve the essay, but also to improve your own wosdom by learning from the way they establish and maintain such an environment.

Undergraduate / Ichigo - Common App essay- significant influence [4]

He exists in the "now" and lives life as if it was a sentence.---> very interesting! But do you mean like a prison sentence or like a sentence on the page?

He was Charlie Brown and I was Dora the Explorer.----> Hey, you are a poet with potential, a real wordsmith. This kind of writing is something not everyone can do.

Although I agree with you that people named Kevin are excellent people, I think you start to wander unnecessarily when you begin talking about how you tend to befriend people with the same name. In fact, it is inherently unreasonable to say people named Kevin tend to be a certain way! For example, I am a terrible friend :-) ... but seriously, go back to your purpose: through this explanation of a person that influenced you, you should show a little about yourself, and focus on showing impressive qualities. What is the main theme of this essay? Identify the central idea, and then go back and cut out unnecessary details that do not help promote it.

Albeit Despite his sob stories, I still view Ichigo as someone who is immature.

Writing Feedback / TOEFl "ability to read and write more important today than.." [2]

This seems like it should be one sentence, not 2:
How can I neglect the importance of writing and reading skills in the modern life, where all the necessities of our life connect to our reading and writing abilities?

Nowadays, if you want to prepare your necessities of life, the techniques of hunting and gathering are useless. ----> They are useful if you want to leave society and go back to nature. I think I might do just that! I'll have to learn to hunt and gather. :-)

The manners of communication changed through the time and both reading and writing have an outstanding role in this process .

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for commonapp - A lesson [3]

The sight of a ki d in her mom' arms and even just the word "Mum" have become razor-sharp swords which could easily stab me.

Had it not been for the experiment of new drugs to delay the treatment, she wouldn't pass away so early. ---> are you saying that she did not take the medicine she was supposed to take because she was busy working? I don't understand this part.


Many of us see consciousness as more fundamental than matter, so we see these lives as temporary forms taken by the beings that we are; life is like a light show that lasts only 800 months or so... she might still be here beside you in a different form! Take a close look at other women in your world and see if she is there.

I realized that I am not that little girl who was just used to playing in her parents' arms anymore; instead, I am supposed to be independent and face up to my life.----> this sentence is where you make the essay a success. No one will deny you admission to the college of your choice when they see that you have such resolve. I believe that you really mean to make an excellent contribution no matter how hard you have to work. Your mother is still empowering you through her example even after all these years!

Writing Feedback / Fatherhood - fathers have now same obligation as much as mothers have [2]

Don't forget to capitalize the first word of every sentence.

In the past, time this role was mostly played by someone's mother, because all the financial obligation belonged to the men. Women had more time to spend with their children, because the less sophisticated society of th past was oppressive to women and limited their possibilities.

You did a great job of explaining how the role of the father is important not only for fathers but also for the empowerment of women.

Father works hard to give the better shape to financial system in the family. It is a father's obligation to make sure is child is safe and that he/she getting adequate education?

On the other hand, a toddler has emotional relationship with her mother. Mother helps to promote emotional d evelopment.

For instance, whenever I needed something I always asked my mother rather than my father.

Undergraduate / Macalester College - WHY MACALESTER?! Why do you believe it may be a good match [2]

I have always wanted to study in the States, as I had lived there for a significant fraction of my life. ----> this is not a good reason to want to study in a particular place. Maybe you should revise this sentence.

Why do you start with a sentence about something being nerve-wracking? You end with a sentence about something being enticing. What is the theme of this first paragraph? I think the theme of the first paragraph should be the same as the theme of the whole essay. (The last paragraph should also promote that main theme, and it expands on it by considering the implications.)

This is a good sentence! ---> As an international student who has lived in Korea, Japan, Singapore and America, I was very...

I think you did a great job with this essay! Think of what the main theme for the essay is, and promote that theme in the first and last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: Carl Sagan [4]


I have not looked at the essay yet, but if you are asking that question you probably did!! The most important part is the thoughtful introspection.

5 minutes later:
Now that I have read the essay, I see that I was wrong in my assumption. This explains a LOT about you, because the story shows your (very impressive) interest in this field. Stephen Hawking has produced some beautiful writing, hasn't he? However, you still were right when you said you gave too much explanation. Look at this:

Eager to read some of his works, I went to buy Cosmos the next da y.---> don't begin a para this way as if you are telling a story about an event. Use one solid paragraph to expound the fact that Hawking's and Sagan's writing hit home with you, and prove your appreciation for it with the mention of a few key concepts.

This really is quite excellent, for sure. Revise for conciseness. :-) Also, no need to mention marijuana as one of the interesting things you learned about him; no need to make the reader prejudiced against you (i.e. if s/he happens to be strongly opposed to marijuana). You can mention it if you want to, but it might make some readers feel prejudiced against you! Consider replacing it with an idea about science.

Undergraduate / "I think you should join the Marching Band." It has come to symbolize many things for me [3]

You have a nice writing style! I think the reader will appreciate the authenticity of writing "pretty cool." Most people fill this sort of essay with unnecessary big words, but that is a mistake.

My friend Roldan A had been pestering me...----> chop out unecessary details in order to make writing powerful.

So, I quit. -----> I think you are going to write some excellent books during your life.

I regretted my decision; I had told myself I wouldn't be able to handle the workload, and that I wouldn't learn how to march in time to perform the show.

If you still have a few minutes of time available in your schedule every week, check out ef-contributor-page and help other people to write in the natural, authentic way that you write!!

Undergraduate / An academic experience (project)--Harvard Common Supplement Essay [4]

Do something in that first paragraph to make me believe you really mean it. Add one more sentence that mentions an experience that really made your heart start to feel that real empathy, that feeling of urgency about the need to help. That is what will make the first para complete, I think.

The saying that education nourishes the human mind is not exactly right because I believe the education must be tailored for each mind. An unsuitable education may sometimes be counterproductive... ---> very good!!! You should mention this in the first paragraph! You should let the reader know, at the end of the first paragraph, about this philosophy of education that you take with you into college.

In fact, let that philosophy of education be the THEME for the whole essay. You can say that you developed this idea during your business camp. Work on that intro paragraph, and it will improve the whole essay.

:-)
I am excited about the contribution you are going to make to education in China!

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for the Columbia College--the circumstance of my upbringing [5]

Once, f For a long time I have considered myself lived the fist eighteen years in my life paradoxically -- wonderfully and painfully. ----> interesting thought!!

The former nine years I experienced wonderfully; the latter half, painfully.


This is a powerful sentence. I don't know if you know how strong this sentence is; it makes an astute observation.

The daughter of the step-father, who was also my younger step-sister that was eight years younger than me, was taken the most care of. I felt it exceedingly unfair and unacceptable---> this is the part you can cut out. You wrote about how you were "spoiled" at the beginning of this essay, and now you are writing about a new kid getting all the attention. Don't talk about that jealousy; it reflects negatively on you. And besides, you have to cut out sme material to make this shorter.

What is the main truth, the main idea of the whole essay? Oh, I see at the end you used that astute intelligence again and observed that the painful half was the meaningful half!! Well done!! Show the reader clearly what you mean about how the painful part was the meaningful part. You are wise even though you are so young!

Graduate / "to explore the field of my dream in R&D" - Journey towards a PhD [4]

I am intrigued at the start because of your great writing, but I'll make some suggestions:

As far as my memory can take me, I remember living in a long wooden shop house(what do you mean by long, wooden shop house? check to see if there is a better way to say that... I don't understand!) along the bustling road of Penang Island. My family and I lived on the floor above the space that was considered as the office of our family business, which my father and grandfather worked hard (no comma necessary here) to run.

Okay, look at the first paragraph. You start by talking about the shop house and the hard work in business, but you end by talking about how "We maintain close ties with my mother's side of the family." What you should do is have a central idea that you state at the start and end of the paragraph. As far as my memory can take me, I remember an environment of hard work and family values. People in my family work hard in order to keep the family strong... open with that sentence or a sentence like it, and the rest of the paragraph will all fit with the main idea. The trick is to change the topic sentence to accommodate the paragraph.

Hey, the rest of your paragraphs, about the accomplishments of your recent past and your plans for the future, have very good clarity and structure!

Now.. agan in that last paragraph of the essay, it makes me think, "how did we get here? We were talking about family values and the family business at the start of this essay, and now we have forgotten about those topics completely.? Here is the special formula I give people for good writing:

one essay = one big idea.

Even though they ask you to tal about a few different things, unite those things under the umbrella of one big idea of which they are all components.

This is very good already! I am just giving this advice about the structure.

Undergraduate / Marist Supplement- why is marist 4 u? [3]

That first sentence does not say anything. If you start with a general statement like that, it does not convey meaning. Can you start with a sentence that lets the reader know something specific about your unique plan?

Second sentence: no, no, still sounds like a brochure, you may as well fax them their brochure or link them to their website.

I'm sorry to be critical, and I'm sorry it took a few days to respond to you! I think this essay is just a rehashing of their brochures; it does show that you write well, and that is good, but use your excellent writing to show something unique about YOU! For example, this school might be perfect for you because a particular professor is a hero of yours because of your passionate interest in a SPECIFIC aspect of your chosen field.

Most importantly, you write very well, so you should feel confident about everything you do! But look at this essay as though you are seeing it for the first time, and you will know what I mean. It is just a bunch of general statements every college makes about itself.

Undergraduate / Cornell College of Human Ecology Supplement-- [4]


Hello my friend, I think this part above should be the start of paragraph 2. I think it is good to get to the thesis sentence and end the first paragraph rather quickly, so that the reader learns the main idea of the essay instead of having to follow you around.

So, I think you should add a solid thesis statement after "therapeutic revolution of the early twentieth century" ----> and end the first para with that thesis statement.

I like what you wrote about how it is not enough to be a specialist. It is not enough to be a general practitioner, but it is not enough to be a specialist, either! You have to be a multi-dimensional specialist. I think this idea is a good idea to use as the central theme of the whole essay, which you can express in that thesis sentence. What do you think of that idea?

Undergraduate / A Quantum Amateur-MIT World Essay [2]

Most kind kindest

You have not really written about him here. You said he influenced you, but then you went on to talk about your interest in physics as though it has little to do with him. Is the essay about him or about your interest in physics? I think you should condense this whole thing down to 2 sentences and then add material to really answer this prompt -- how has your world shaped your dreams?

You could be clever and talk about the subatomic world and how it influenced your dreams. that would be an interesting way to approach this essay. Give a thesis sentence at the start of the essay that tells succinctly what your answer to the question is -- as if you need to answer it in a single sentence. Then, write about how the subatomic world influenced you. then, include the teacher, and use that to transition into thoughts about your academic future. That is my suggestion.

Undergraduate / "Mathematician With Love of Arts" -- Common Application Main Essay [5]

Excellent! You are a smart one... this first paragraph does a great job of carrying the reader along. Your writing flows with rhythm like dancing, so it accomplishes something that is really impressive to those of us who appreciate writing that sounds like what it is describing.

Here is a suggestion to cut out a word that is not helpful:
I think many people don't understand ballet from this standpoint and I aim to share and educate people about the power of ballet through my exquisite dancing. ----> t is not necessary to cut that word, but I would cut it if this was my essay.

Oh, wait a minute, not, I am on to paragraph #2 and I see that you switched subjects. That means you should show them your excellent composition skills by mentioning the piano as well as dacing in your thesis statement. For the sake of good composition, you should mention at the start of the essay what the main idea of the essay will be -- and in this case, it seems that the main idea is not just dancing, and not just piano, and not ust math -- but a common thread that unites all three.

What is the common thread? I think it is what determines your college plan. Can you add an intro para before the first para -- one that explains that you are a scholar whose future involves the precision and rhythm of dance, piano, and mathematics.

Undergraduate / "a passion for accounting" - UCONN - Transfer Essay [4]

Please check out the TOS about having your posts deleted essayforum.com/disclaimer-privacy-tos/.

I have started several internet based websites over the past few years and hope...

...and I will not rest until I have excelledexceeded? my expectations.

I have worked extremely hard these past few semesters to obtain excellent grades --- > I think this part is unnatural in the use of the word "obtain," and maybe the word "extremely" detracts from it, too. Maybe this part is better if you just state it simply...

Undergraduate / Neurosurgery Issue of National Concern- Harvard and Yale Commonapp essay [3]

This essay is so powerful and appropriate, you did a great job with it. Eric noticed some important things, but in the bigger picture this is a powerful expression of your intention to help.

...discovered that between the year 1993 and 2008 only one neurosurgeon was...

This long sentence can be managed with the use of a dash:
I have determined to get this education that will adequately prepare me to help the underprivileged ones who do not have the luxury of travelling for treatment abroad -- as enjoyed by government politicians that actually formulate shortsighted policies for the country.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Bear in Mind [3]

My step-dad Mike, our guide Sky, and I were the only humans around in this vast stretch of Alaskan tundra. ----This is intriguing, already, because of the coolness of the experience, but names are often unnecessary details.

My step-dad, our guide Sky, and I were the only humans around...

But now saying "our guide" sort of weakens it, too, because it establishes you immediately as tourists. I don't know if it is good to be establishing yourself as a tourist as the first thing you say to the reader.

Hey, this is a great way of celebrating the meaningfulness of science. This was a good idea! The idea that comes to mind for me is that this is the kind of insight that should be condensed. Admissions essays are always melodrematic, because they are supposed to point out meaningful things, but... if you can suggest it in an artful way... and leave the reader to ponder...

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

I think it is good to jump through whatever hoops they provide. Meet the challenge to express yourself in the number of words they specify, and do it brilliantly. If they say you can use only one word, use only one.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cornell Arts and Sciences supplement [3]

I wanted to look like the thoughtful ten year-old, the apt art observer I was trying so hard to be.


Okay, the writing is good, but the claim to appreciate it is not convincing. It is not that you are not convincing, just these particular paragraphs. Someone who claims to appreciate art has to back it up with an entire philosophy of life, or at least a hint about such a philosophy. Writing about appreciating art is also a kind of art, so capture some of the magic in the way you describe the appreciation.

For an example of the criticism I'm trying to provide, I want to say that it seems unbbecoming to say studying with that prof would be a "perfect supplement to my academic career"... instead, you should make an attempt to capture in words whatever is was in her writing or art that made you feel a connection with her. Dig a little deeper!