Undergraduate / Title: The Road Now Taken [3]

The aroma of the fresh out-of-the-oven brownies and the roar
of the vacuum cleaning were all examples of what we Interact members were doing
to prepare for the fast-approaching dance. I stared at this for a long time, and finally I decided that I think the intro is more powerful without this sentence. This sentence is a little awkward and hard to follow, and it's attempt at imagery does not work, because it take more than a mention of brownies and vacuum cleaner noise to create an experience. It is hard to explain what I mean, and I am not sure I am correct, but see if you like it without that sentence.

All the immense anxiety within me suddenly washed away.

Or

All The immense anxiety within me suddenly washed away.

Happily, I smiled back at her beaming countenance. --- awesome sentence!

Undergraduate / 'Asian in New York' - Cultural Differences Essay. [3]

The beginning of this has sme nice introspection, but I think you present yourself in too negative a light! If you tell the reader, in that first paragraph, that you are talking about how you used to think when you were in jr. high school, that will be better. We don't want them thinking that you only recently began to appreciate cultural diversity.

Okay, at the end you acknowledge that there is nothing wrong with differences, but you can do even better. Tell the reader that your trip to China made you appreciate the diversity of New York, and in that conclusion paragraph tell about what makes diversity meaningful. It is not only okay, but also meaningful and reflective of human nature. and remember to talk about a way that you will contribute to diversity at the school. It sounds to me like what you have to contribute is a sense of appreciation that you can share.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplement- Why I chose to apply as Engineering Undecided [3]

I would use " " marks here: ---> The term "engineering" has become one which is used loosely and ambiguously.

And no comma is necessary here:
From designing buildings with civil engineering t o designing chemicals with chemical engineering, there is a ...

However, through my research I have found that there are a few aspects Aspects have to be aspects of something. The word you need here is prerequisites... or components that all areas of engineering have in common: math, science, and problem-s olving.

The content of this essay is very good, very convincing. I think you did a nice job and the reader will like your straightforward, respectful style.

Undergraduate / Residential school for underprivileged childen, common application essay option [3]


This is an overly complicated way to say you wanted to get a job during freshmen year of high school. Maybe you can actually start with a sentence that is more interesting... an obbservation about the significance of this story... and then tell them you got a job AFTER catching their attention.

Sure, I wouldn't earn salaries or bonuses but I could settle for an experience and develop some 'work ethics' my parents always presumed I lacked.----> this is an interesting line, ha ha. It shows that you are making thoughtful observations about your parents' perspectives. I like it.

Okay, on second thought, though... after reading the rest of the essay, I see that this first paragraph is all dead weight, weighing the essay down. Chop off this first paragraph, and the essay will be very powerful. You'll have to write a new first sentence for para #2 to make it a good intro paragraph. That's my suggestion! :-)

Undergraduate / "I want to study environmental engineering" - Johns Hopkins Supplement [3]

I think you can express a better aspiration than the aspiration to be widely known. Express an aspiration to help us get through what Prof Edward Wilson calls the "bottleneck" in the 21st century -- a time when we will probably destroy life on earth as we know it, but if we manage to make the right decisions for a while we stand a good chance of seeing a reduction in the human population and a chance for the survival of the planet.

Also, why is it ironic that you see the words Johns Hopkins linked to it. I wonder if you really mean ironic, or if you mean... Interestingly instead.

:-)

Kind regards!

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]


This is much better than the one I suggested, ha ha. And I see what you mean, above. I somehow overlooked the note that said those were body paragraphs.

Well, it looks like you did a great job...it looks like it ends all of a sudden, though, so I guess you probably have more material to add.

:-)

Undergraduate / UPENN supplement- biography and most important communities [3]

AMSA would provide the formation I need if ever I want to enter medical school.----> I think it is better to write with certainty; do not write "if," but instead write "when." his is how you show your resolve.

When I will officially take leave of high school life in February of 2010, there is I am going to particularly miss one familiar activity.

NO!! The second essay is not too outlandish. It is great. It is just outlandish enough! :-)

So I quickened my pace as much as those bulky suites would allow.

Writing Feedback / the relationship between Jews and Christians, how to write about a film? [2]

Use italics instead of quote marks:
James Carroll's Constantine Sword is a...

James Carroll was a former priest who left the church's Order because the church fail to change its belief on war or to provide any kind of supplement in the protest against the Vietnam War.

Use the apostrophe to show possession:
his religion's beliefs...

Jews were not allowed to own land or to have professional careers, and everything they owned had to ________ (had to what?) used.

Yes, you have mistakes, but it is easy to see that you are an intelligent, bilingual person, and your meaning is usually clear. Watch out for small mistakes, like putting 2 sentences together:

Carroll was seeking something different with his position as a priest. He wanted change and improvement and to go beyond the walls of the church. He wanted to reach the people. ----> This part is very nicely written, but I had to separate it into 3 sentences by adding periods.

Undergraduate / NCSSM admissons essay: adversity [7]


Oh no! And you spent all that time writing. Okay, well chop that whole first para, because even though it is SO introspective and nice, it is no good to tell the reader that you had very little adversity and that your family had plenty of money. Some people, possibly including the person who reads this essay, have struggled so much financially that they will resent you for your financially comfortable upbringing!!!

Besides, the essay is about adversity, not absence of adversity.

Then again, it is great that you mention having attended that Super Saturday thing...

Ah, you write so well that I hate to chop anything...

Okay, condense that first para so that you say the important stuff in 3 sentences. Chop the rest. Then, add a thesis statement at the end of that paragraph.

Mention the divorce as part of your thesis statement, but there is no need to give too many details.

Para #2: Before this time, I had never fully been aware of the snake-pit that I had lived in my whole life. -----> This sentence is great!

Chop the part about suggestng an abortion. You might have to chop the whole thing about your sister in order to cut it down to size. That is her adversity, anyway...

Ah, good luck!! Sometime, read Stephen King's book On Writng: A Memoir of the Craft. He calls this process fo cutting "killing your darlings."

Grammar, Usage / Grammar question: More knowledgeable than "I" or "me"? [9]

Yes, this is a tough one!! :-) here is something to help explain
grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/than-I-versus-than-me.aspx

Writing Feedback / Biological perspective on Sexual Orientation - "nature or nurture" approaches [14]

Well...

*they are not actual bullets
*they cannot holler, ha ha, and
*they are harmless in every way.

But then again, some eloquence is sacrificed for clarity when using such a list. So... I guess you are right.

Undergraduate / ESSAY- Cornell Schoolof Architecture [5]


Good sentence!!!!!!

As I anchored the last piece of chipboard onto my cube, my fingers sticky with clumps of craft glue, I thought about the clarity that came after my visit to DC. ----> you have a great way with words.

Read this essay again tomorrow morning, and you will come up with improvements for the conclusion paragraph. I really like "hit me like a brick" the way you used it.

The whole essay is great, and you almost made me want to learn architecture.

Undergraduate / Common App Topic Of Your Choice Essay Interweaving Football with Education [4]


Fix that typo.

This essay is very abstract, because it does not seem to have a thesis statement. What is the profound truth at the heart of this essay? I see that victory is an important theme, so pehaps you can add a sentence to the END of the first paragraph to tell the reader that victory is not just about football or about academics; victory is the common denominator, the automatic QB that is ever-present in your state of mind both as a scholar and as an athlete.

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement Question- Why Lehigh? and Define Equity and Community? [7]

a comma is necessary so that this sentence will not be confusing:
Apart from the perfect size, Division I athletics, numerous intramurals, and beautiful campus , there was one thing that made me realize that Lehigh not only met but exceeded all of my expectations (and I think it is too much to say it not only met but also exceeded... you are not writing about whether expectations are met.)

What you are writing about is a great application of intuition. I really like this approach.

Still, I think you need to reinforce it. After saying that your intuition (intangible factor) drew you to choose the school, you can say your intuition was proven correct, because professor so-and-so seems to be someone who has interests very similar you your own. And now you have started to really get excited about having her as your mentor, because you are determined to contribute to the field of __________.


You accidentally wrote the same question twice, so i don't know! What was the question for that second one?

Undergraduate / CMU: How my childhood experiences lead to my major of BME [5]

For a while though, the typical high school interest in being "too cool" masked my passion for creation.---> thought this was unclear before I added some words...

Okay I see that you intend to write about the school's special appal to you... but I suggest giving some more time to it! This prompt is looking for your explanation of a clear life plan. They want to see if you are a student who is motivated and serious about your chosen field. I challenge you to use your excellent writing skill to CONDENSE all this story, and make room for the 2nd half of the essay to be all about why this school is better than any other for your interests and circumstances. Imagine you are writing a research paper about 1.) yourself and 2.) the school. Show how knowledgeable you are about your chosen field and about the school, so that they see how much attention you have given to this question of what you will do as a student and professional

Show that it is essential for you to go to this school!

Undergraduate / Polytechnic Institute of NYU: Spend a day with an inventor. who, where and why? [5]

Yes, I know what you mean. I was just corresponding with one of our contributors about how hard it is to do everything that is required of us as students or professionals. It makes me think about how simple life would be if, instead of learning all about a profession, I just learned all about how to forage for food in the wilderness and live off the land. I recently read Thoreaau's Walden, and it made me think of how hectic and busy modern life is!

Anyway, I appreciate all the help you have given people. :-)

Undergraduate / 'San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge' - makes Stanford a good place for you? [13]


Many times in life you will be unsure of something, but in order to accomplish your goal of THIS MOMENT you need to be decisive and choose something.

Imagine you and I are playing a game where we look into your future to see what you will do with this life. Being creative, you might select one of the three careers that you are most likely to pursue, and then write the essay like this:

Start by talking about how to are so determined to be an excellent teacher, laying the foundations of children's intellectual lives, that you were planning to trael far and wide in order to attend the perfect school.

Name some schools that can empower you as a teacher... schools all over the country.
Then use the second half of the essay to tell the reader that you realized that the programs and resources at Stanford are perfect for your specific philosophy about life and teaching. Conclde by saying that you realize that the perfect school is right here after all.

This shows tremendous introspection and determination.

Tao Te Ching verse 26 says: "The unmoved is the source of all movement. Thus the Master travels all day without leaving home."

Undergraduate / My family and WWW, MIT - Describe the world you come from - does it convey? [4]


Well.. the position you take is just as important as how well you convey it.


Yes, I agree! I was thinking of suggesting that the word "together" be added to the end of that sentence in order to fix that.

You need one more comma here:
Two forces, working almost in synonymous harmony, have constructed my...

...much with the revolution of the Internet ; rather, they have...

You can make this much more solid by adding a sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- a sentence that captures both themes you have introduced and puts them together as the constituents of this world you come from.

:-)

Don't be discouraged! It is great writing. I like what you wrote about helping the world and its inhabitants.

Undergraduate / major in biotechnology - Why Tufts? [4]

Not only is Tufts a great place to pursue my major in biotechnology, but I am also drawn to Tufts for the people.

And this will be even better if you do it like this:

In addition to the fact that Tufts a great place to pursue my major in biotechnology, I am also drawn to Tufts for the people.

I think you should include some evidence to support the notion that it is better than other schools for biotech.

:-)

Undergraduate / YALE SECOND ESSAY: "THE PIECES OF ME" [3]

Ali, I hope you'll start giving some ideas as well as encouragement. It is nice that you offer kind words, but if you spend a little time you can give them some ideas to consider, and it'll help make their essays better! Even if you are not confident in your own composition skill, you can give some ideas.

Add a comma:
"Papa, is that woman truly my mum?" I asked in child-like wonder.

...tid bits that had previously differentiated...

At the time of grandpa's death, I had sufficiently mastered the business so that I could simply take over for her until she had completed the necessary forty-days of mourning.

I want to tell you that the first sentence of this essay seems weirdly disturbing. It certainly does hook the attention, but I just don't know if "suck the juicy breasts of grandma" help to express your central idea for this essay. The strange first sentence might distract the reader from what is important about your essay.

Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

I do not need to imagine a window; it's already...

or...

I do not need to imagine a window; it is already...

Even the tiniest children out there wrestle along with older ones and shout at the top of their voices .----> I changed this so that it does not seem like you think of girls as helpless, etc.

With my ear stuck to the window, I was trying to figure out what it was all about when I heard a boy reply in a preachy tone: "Sex is not a big deal guys!"

All of them belong to very poor background. In ten rooms of that building, seven families exist. Every time a family ... all gather in the empty plot next to that building. For a while, they argue while deciding...

If you can cut out enough to make room, add more at the end about why it is meaningful to you.

I really enjoyed this one!!

Undergraduate / 'Fresh start revelation' - Stanford's intellect engaging prompt. [5]


What do college essays have to do with ________ (what??)

Meanwhile, my school counselor insisted that I should write about my trips to Africa, which he thought would make me special.

Revelation comes with a fresh start. When I decided to trash all the previous drafts and began with new, elaborate thoughts, the result came within just four hours and two cups of coffee.-----> very good sentence!!!

Okay, I am afraid I have to suggest that you make a big change. Only mention the college essays as an example, not as the whole focus of the essay. Write the essay about your intended field of study. Use the college essay example as an example to support what you are saying. It seems like what you really find to be intellectually engaging is the way that inspiration affects productivity. Now, do inspiration and productivity have anything to do with your career aspirations? If so, write about inspiration, and use this exchange with the guidance counselor as an example.

:-)

Undergraduate / SYRACUSE ESSAY 1,why syracuse 2,work experience and your gain 3,future plan [5]

Like many Chinese students I can tell them colleges apart only through consideration of their names and rankings.

However long it takes me to spend on the research on Ohio State University, I still believe that the single most important factor that I care about, more than the ranking, is the factor that affects me the most: its inclusiveness showed for both American and international students.

I have set up a little "rent company." I learned the importance of grasping opportunities. the chance, and the importance of grasping them . There are many people that can see that there is a space to use, but most of them don't see the need for renting service, and maybe they notice that but just let this idea go.

My academic interests focus on management and communication, and I know Syrascuse is a excellent University in both areas .

Keep working on improving your English! IT is easy to see that you are still learning English, but your intelligence as a businessperson and communicator is also easy to see!

Undergraduate / THE HANDKERCHIEF (That is the keepsake of people love each other in my country) [7]


The word "liquid" means that something is not solid. If something is not solid and not a gas, it is liquid, and if you have liquid on you, you are not dry. All I meant to say to you was that it seems strange to say "dry sweat"...

OH!! Wait a minute, my friend Thu Ba, I made a mistake! :-) I misunderstood what you meant. You were using "dry" as a verb, so this is what you should write:

There a beautiful girl gave you a handkerchief to dry the sweat that was dripping into your face.

Undergraduate / Princeton Summers (or vacations between school years) [3]


Well, part of the purpose here is to show them that you can write good composition. So... you should format it as an essay. But what do you mean? It looks like an essay to me.

Ah, I see why you think of it that way, though. The question calls for a list of experiences. Still, you should put a thesis sentence at the end of that first paragraph. Add a sentence that gives a message or idea that you want the reader to "take away" from the experience of reading.

If you just list what you did, it is not memorable or effective. Give the essay a theme!

:-)

Undergraduate / A European Experiment in Intolerance [9]

I guess you are indeed a quick study.

How about adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. I think the first paragraph should end with a sentence that lingers in the reader's mind to prime her for appreciating the main idea of the whole essay.

...higher birth rates and political ambition . Ambitiousness is okay, too, but you might want to consider using ambition.


The last comma above is not necessary.

I see that at the end of the essay you express your opinion clearly. I hope you will go back and say something wise about the inappropriateness of this ban at the end of the first para as well. After all, is this expository or persuasive? Choose one, and go all the way with it. I say go with persuasive.

Undergraduate / Why Stony Brooks? "USB is the ideal school for me." [4]


This sentence sounds a little too much like a brochure... like you had to look at the website or something to come up with ideas...

I think you should focus more on why this school is better than other schools for someone with your interest in biomed. engineering. And in fact, it will be great if you add definition you your specific, inspired approach to biomed engineering -- for example, maybe areas of specific interest to you have been discussed in an article by a prof at this school?

Undergraduate / Senior Project - The Various Types of Weighlifting [3]


This gets the essay off to a weak start. I know that what you mean to say is that strength has always been an important concern among humans and that cherishing all types of strength is a tendency that is inherent in human nature.

Your MLA is looking good, great job!
Now it is time to revisit that thesis sentence at the end of the first para:
With all of this being said, not every single human being wishes to be big and strong. We must understand everyone has different interests and goals.----> is this really the main idea of the essay? Now that it is all finished, see if you can write something that does a better job of capturing the "soul" of the essay.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2 - Playing the Cretan lira [7]

That italicized sentence makes it better, because the para ends on a positive idea, but it is still too simple. Can you use a sentence that conveys a deep, profound idea to the reader? Let this sentence "capture" the main idea of the essay, if you can.

Undergraduate / My year as a foreign exchange student in the US, Common Application / own topic [4]

My year as an exchange student in the U.S. was an amazing experience that changed my way of ...

I spent the year with a very nice and hospitable family, which selected me over 100 other exchange students (no comma necessary here) to stay with them for my year as a foreign exchange student in the land of Stars and Stripes.

No one is said bad things about me (no comma necessary here) or judged me because I am from Germany. I had a difficult time the first few weeks because ...

This is great, but can you connect it to your intended field of study n some way? One theme is that people were accepting of you and not prejudiced. that is good, and your mention of it shows that you are not prejudiced against people either. This is important wisdom, so I hope you will be able to use that wisdom in college and as a professional. Think about possibly adding another dimension to this essay: let the reader know that this experience helped you to become certain about your decision to enter the field of ________.

Undergraduate / Lehigh supplement essay about community and equity [2]

This is great writing. Is it okay to add more words to this, or are you at the maximum allowable word count? If you can write more, I suggest using your excellent writing skill to add a paragraph before the first paragraph. Give an intro that is about community and equity. If you start with the sentence about sharing something, it might confuse the reader, because sharing something is not what the essay is about. However, that 1st para will make a GREAT body paragraph, and you write so well that I am sure you can come up with a powerful intro paragraph.

Undergraduate / Brown supplement: Education and what don't you know [3]

It was convenient for me to be in these classes when I needed to ask questions, because when the teacher asked 'Are there any questions?' only a few students would raise their hands.---> interesting!


Now, this is too broad and simple of a statement to put at the end of the first paragraph. At the end of the first para, you should give a fascinating answer to the question, "What don't you know?"

Use commas here:
Although I still want to ask how bacteria hurt my eyes, a college professor at the university told me that, due to my limited knowledge, I cannot understand the mechanism.

However, the more I know, the more I find unknown. this sentence is a little cliche, and it is poorly worded. I think it is better to leave it out.

I think you should revise this and add several specific, intelligent questions that are related to your intended major. You are off to a good start, though, because you make some excellent observations.

Writing Feedback / Change one thing about education in VietNam [2]

Use a comma when you write a compound sentence (2 complete sentences put together with a conjunction, like "and"):
Education is the root of development of every country all over the world, and VietNam is not an exception.


When you say you want to change the method, I think you should add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph to introduce the reader to the kind of change you mean. Then, go on to the body paragraphs and explain.

This is brilliant. I really like your ideas. I hope you are able to revolutionize education in Vietnam and in other places, too. the inadequacy you describe is present all over the world -- inspiration is the key ingredient to improve the work of both teachers and learners.

you will do very well with this!!!!

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]


This is only my opinion, but I have to say... If I was an admissions officer, I would not have the heart to deny admission to someone who had a clear plan that she was determined to follow. Therefore, I think the essay should be about your intended field of study, because you are so passionate about this subject that you cannot help writing about it.

Undergraduate / "Intelluctual interest, evolution,and excitement" Cornell collegeof Arts&Science [3]

1.) I think you should tell where you come from in that first paragraph so that the reader knows what you are talking about.

2.) I challenge you to revise your topic sentences (first sentence of every paragraph) so that a reader would know the main idea of your essay if s/he only read the topic sentences. Don't change that first sentence of the first para, though! It is great.

Book Reports / Hamlet Essay - Evaluate the parenting of King Hamlet and Polonius [3]

Don't use despite without attaching it to something.. like this:
Despite the fact that Polonius used Ophelia to accomplish his mission, but I think that he is a good ...

You should add definition to your thesis statement by telling precisely what ways he is a good father. At the end of that first paragraph, it would be great to give a clear thesis sentence that tells how he is a better father than King Hamlet. Just say something meaningful, at the beginning and end of the essay, that explains the specific qualities that Polonius has that Hamlet does not have. Let this be your main idea for the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS composition G class Task1 (Fitness facilities renovation) [3]

My name is Jerry, I am a resident who has been living here for more than 10 years. I am writing now as a representative of my community to present some suggestions about the renovation plan of the resident sports centre. While we really appreciate the old centre here which has been benefiting us for more than 10 years, we want you to be aware that there are some disadvantages as you may see obviously .

Along with the inhabitant growing in this area, old centre is becoming more and more crowded, especially on the weekend. But even this isn't serious than the structure of the building, less floor and totally enclosed. People in this place are, therefore, expecting to have a complex with more stories(what do you mean b stories? more floors?) and enough open space around. It will be a help for mitigating the intense situation in every weekend. ---> good sentence! Players can take advantage of the space to have field game, like tennis or soccer. We would appreciate it if you could adopt our ideas. Hopefully we can see the new building soon.

Well, I don't know how to give this a score, but I can tell you that you write very clearly in English. However, at the end, you ask them to adopt your ideas, but you have not provided many ideas. Perhaps at the end you should state what you want in a simple, clear way.

Undergraduate / From the stage to my life - Commonapp Essay,do you think it's boring or trite? [6]

In this moment of exaltation,I was slowly engulfed by a feeling of nostalgia and entered the kaleidoscope of memory. ---> right after this sentence, you should write one more sentence, and write this last sentence of the first paragraph as a sentence about... Oh! I know what to do. Move this sentence to the end of the first paragraph: How time had flown by!

Then, add one more sentence -- a brief sentence that expresses the main idea of the whole essay, the experience that is the subject of the essay.

After that, start paragraph #2:
It felt like yesterday when I was only a little boy, lying on the floor in front the television and waiting for the show.

That will reinforce the power and clarity of the whole essay.

Undergraduate / The Dream Addict-Boston University Supp. [3]

Determined, hard-working, leader, smart, innovative, sociable, reliable -- the perfect scholar.

I recommend addng that dash in order to connect the 2 sentences so that you avoid the sentence fragment.
Wait a minute! I just noticed that it is still an incomplete sentence! Okay, no, that is too much, so... you should add a predicate to that sentence.

Actually, I am thinking that this intro -- about ot anting to bore them with the same old stuff, is actually quite common! this strategy of telling them that you are not going to write the same old stuff is actually more of the same old stuff. I recommend starting this with the interesting sentence:

I'll save the monotony for another time and tell you who I really am. I am different. I am a dreamer, and I am ready. Who am I? Since middle school I have been... I scratched out that stuff bout being a dreamer, because right after telling them you are not going to tell them the same old thing, you tell them about being a dreamer and whatnot, which is sort of like doing what you said you were not going to do. "dreamer" could be on that list you started with.

So... I recommend writing about the subject of study that is most interesting to you and suggesting that what you will contribute is your enthusiasm for this area of study and your excellent example of proactive schcolarship. Show what you know!

:-)

Graduate / graduate degree in plant genetic, Kansas State University [2]


This part is unclear...
I believe it is an important and wise resolution for me, even though I have already received a degree in botany from Nanjing University, China. ---> now add one more sentence to the end of this first para ... a sentence that conveys the central meaning of the whole essay. You are of to a great start! But I would reinforce the main idea by adding one more sentence to the end of this paragraph.

Since the year of 1998, just after I was graduated from Yangzhou University in the Dept. of Agronomy, I have been...

By Recognizing my high research interests in plant quantitative genetics, as well as career challenges, I am going decided to seek a graduate degree from an university of the USA.

GRE & Toelf score--- I think you mean TOEFL, right?

This is so impressive, I am sure they will accept you.