Undergraduate / UPENN essay- Benjamin Franklin. [4]

Nicely done! The last paragraph is what I would want you to change, though. Don't end with a paragraph about the Outdoors Org. ... instead include that in the body of the essay, and save your last para for reflecting on your plans, evaluating or scrutinizing your own ideas, and considering what this plan means for your time at the school.

Undergraduate / "I am reminded of how unique my life is" - Common App Essay--Seeking Feedback [8]

Use italics for Time magazine.

No need for " " marks here:
...because that's what my American friends would have eaten.

I don't think the mention of stereotypical blond/blue eye, fitting in, etc., detracts from the point. I think it is perfect. And how clever of you to observe that fried eggs and ketchup seem gross to people who did not grow up with it! I did grow up around eggs, and I still think they are gross! It is better to stick with the cabbage! :-)

Writing Feedback / essay of Umich: cultural, intellectual and social differences [8]

Yes, I didn't mean you should omit any paragraph. I just meant you should give a common theme that will unite the 2 ideas in the reader's mind. All it requires is having a little phrase that you repeat in both paragraphs. But it is just an idea, anyway... good luck! :-)

Undergraduate / Syracuse questions "influence, work experience, real world experiences" [3]

Let's eliminate unnecessary words. Like Yoda or a Zen master, you can make your point with few words:
I mainly work as a cashier at the store Heinen's Fine Foods, a local grocery store, where I also help out in the grocery department with things tasks such as stocking shelves and keeping the back stock room in order.

Something that I would love to do at some point during my college career is participate in extensive...

I think the last sentence of that 3rd one should be a more thoughtful sentence... something that gives unexpected insight to the reader, such as a thought about wanting to start your adult life by giving of yourself in some way that is related to your chosen field -- in order to set a precedent for yourself.

Undergraduate / Tufts IDENTITY [3]

In the spirit of spontaneity, it seems right that you wrote this in a sort of formless way, but actually I think it would be better with some form. At least a little, so it does not just seem like a list of things. However, I list of things is what they ask for! So, it is good. But how about adding just a little form by starting it with a topic sentence that establishes the theme.

Oh, wait a minute, okay, I see how you start with the frog legs thing to capure attention and then give the theme as the thesis sentence ending that small first para. But how about adding the sentence with the word "addicted" to that first para and doing the paragraph break just before this:

I take to challenges as...

and move this sentence to the end:
I take to challenges as spontaneously as Neil Armstrong did to the moon. I play soccer, unlike other girls in my circle. I thrilled to the headiness of parasailing at Goa, even river-crossing at Yercaud last year. My buckling legs did make it to the Cauvery fishing camp on the last stretch of our trek. One day, I've promised myself a bungee jump. In the thick of compiling data for a moot court, I rev up my grey cells by cartooning or writing a short story. I can shuttle between baking and badminton without missing a beat.

and my last comment is that your concluding sentence seems kind of random. It should be a sentence about that theme of spontaneity... perhaps about a particular quality of the school that makes it the right place for someone who appreciates spontaneous action.

Undergraduate / "If you can dream, you can do it." - Art Institute of San Francisco Application Essay [6]

Hi Jeanie, I almost missed your comment there. Are you able to add another post now that I posted? BTW, if you have tabbed browsing (i.e. mozilla firefox is what I use, on a PC), you can just copy the web address of the essay, open a new tab and go to it, and then just tab back and forth. tabbed browsing is cool.

Nice to meet you Maria!

How about countless instead of "endless", and Ill also switch 2 words around:
... countless toys- all from animated Disn ey films.

Below, I'll add some punch to the paragraph by streamlining:
Like so many other children of my generation, I was raised on Disney animated films- and the films of what many have referred to as during "the Disney Renaissance", including The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc.

...but etc is not good, not graceful, so I'll put two sentences together and cite a source instead:
...during the "Disney Renaissance" (Greydanus, 2000) including The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, etc. , and to say...

That is great... so at the end you would have to add this little reference note (see below)
Reference:

Greydanus. (2000). Notes on the End of the Disney Renaissance. Available:
decentfilms.com/sections/articles/quovadisdisney.html

(referencing a source like that is not often done in admissions essays, so I think it would set you apart.)

Nice! This essay gives a good feeling to the reader, I think. Toward the end, you start 2 paragraphs with "with the..." so maybe one should change to a different wording...

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay: Governments should pay more attention on health care issue than .. [7]

Hmmm.. I don't understand the question. Here is a correct sentence:
I would rather pay attention to health care.
And another one:
It is important to pay attention to the environment.

Does that answer your question?

Undergraduate / Turning Point Essay for Stanford Exchange [9]

With no fear, I don't miss any opportunities . Taking responsibility for my life, I have the courage to accept challenges an d many new things. For example, I attended to pharmacy for society and camped out to North-Eastern of Thailand (what does this part mean? You went to school for pharmacy?) .

For all of these good experiences I have got, have to appreciate her.

She not only put me in deep consideration to discover my inner self but also to push me so hard forward to reach my goals. Not only visible growth but also in mental growth is invaluable. I believe turning points can come into everybody' lives, even without fanfare or any announcement to express itself. But it never is a true turning point without deep understanding. This is my important ...

This is such a nice essay, my friend, Twinkle! You'll do very well!! Read aloud in English, a little every day, and you will be very good at it!

Graduate / 'What's in my leasure time' -- My 2nd fellowship applicant essay [6]

As primary school girl, I was asked to write an observation diary and weekly reading reports by my parents. This began as something that was compulsory but turned into a kind of habit later. I keep myself up until I am finished with the diary -- even if it was late in the night. Also, these writings ask me to reading regularly and thinking rationally and observing carefully.

This study also renders me taste the taste of research. I felt excited and aggressive in carrying it out when I first got the idea, and later it became a little tough because I failed after I had tried several times. But at the moment I solved the problem, a kind of fulfillment arose .

Later as a graduate research assistant in Professor Guangcai Gong's Lab, I also take part in other projects, such as measuring...

I hope I can find answers in further study.

Undergraduate / Intellectual Freedom, Columbia Short Essay [3]

Intellectual Freedom to transcend my dreams, Columbia University's defining Core Curriculum will permit me to have a perspective on a plethora of studies from Nobel Laureate Professors. I think this sentence is too general, unnecessarily fancy, and not very helpful. I think you should say something simple and specific instead. Name part of the curriculum that is perfect for you because of your interest in (name a field of study).

Use a coma here:
However, to me, location has a tremendous impact on my learning, and being in a cosmopolitan setting reveals an entire microcosm of the world.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App short answer about marching band [9]

This is a good choice of topic. What is your major going to be? It is pretty impressive to be involved in politics at a young age. Meisj0n, thanks for the great work you did, helping here.

About this part... introduced me to the inner workings of political campaigns... I think you should prove it by sharing an insight you gained... if there is enough romm and you won't be going over the word count.

:-)

Undergraduate / Statement of Purpose for MFA in New Media at University of Illinois [5]

Your first sentence is a run on sentence; replace that first comma with a semi-colon, and it will be alright.


After this sentence, you should write another one that gives examples of what you mean. That will make it more convincing.

How about a more straightforward order for this:
The world gave me another obstacle while I was serving in the Marines: External Gonadal Germ Cell Tumor.
that's how I would do it...

What is does i mean to "strengthen my response as an artist?" That seems unclear...

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

Don't forget to capitalize Shay's name:

In Del Rio, Texas, on a warm April night in 2005, my sister and I were done with our homework, finished dinner, and had our rooms cleaned. We wanted to go outside and have some sisterly bonding time on the trampoline that was set in our back yard. Our mom's depression had been at an all-time high lately; drinking an increasing amount of wine, mood swings, and suffering from bulimia. When Shay and I asked ...

Below, I'll remove a sentence that I think is not helpful:
...saw that it was policemen. They asked if XXXXXXXX lived here, I said yes she does, and then led them to where my mom was. When I opened the ...

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

Ha ha hahahah...

Is "crimany" similar to... like...

oh, ha ha I googled it and found it on an urban dictionary site. ha ha, but how do you pronounce it? I can't find the pronunciation on the Internet.. I don't know which syllable to enunciate, so I can't use it. I'll need you to 1.) provide it in an iambic line and 2.) tell me a word that rhymes with it. Fulfill those two requirements, and I'll incorporate it into my vocabulary. Also, if I organize a post-apocalyptic society one day, I'll establish it as a real word for you.

Undergraduate / Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence-usc essay [4]

Well... if you are creative, you can give it an introduction that makes it sound like a page from a biography... but if you are creative, you can write a great new essay, too! If you feel inspired, writing is easy. I think you should write an essay about where you will be 15 years from now -- in the middle of your career with their school as your background and the foundation of your expertise.

Essays / machiavelli , lao Tzu and edward henderson - comparison and contrast eassy [10]

If you use your full name when you create your EssayForum membership, anyone who find your essay here will see your name next to it in the lower right part of each post.

:-)

Graduate / Study on "MA in Public Policy" - personal statement [6]

10/10!!!
This essay is very convincing, very intelligent. It accomplishes something most admissions essays do not accomplish: you make the reader become curious and genuinely interested. I wonder if you know how engaging your writing is.

Below, I'll eliminate some unhelpful stuff:
As a student of Public Administration, department I have always been particularly interested in the process of lobbying and policy implementation. Personally, I consider these two issues of policymaking being the most crucial and challenging. For instance, This semester while having an internship in Akimat (City Council), it was very curios for me to read policies, which looked very nice on paper but in reality were badly implemented. And when it comes to lobbying, isn't it exciting to analyze how different networks of interest groups (politicians, businesses and general public) are contributing to the final outcome? (i suggest adding a short sentence here that expresses the answer to this question. Can you describe the way they all contribute in a short sentence of only 10 words or less? That would be interesting.)

I hope you have great success!!

Undergraduate / 'Life in India / International Studies' - College Franklin and Marshall [2]

I think you can start by just telling them Bangelore.
I live in India, in Bangalore, to be precise. Yet, yet I feel as if I belong to the world - already thinking like the global citizen I aim to be.

Ever since I participated in my first Model United Nations (MUN) at the Kensri school at 14, and was commended for my effort, I have wanted to live local but think global.----> what do you mean, "live locally?" Maybe you mean "work locally"? Local means close to home, so you always live locally, unless you are a nomad.

At the end of that first paragraph, you seem to just be listing things. Instead of giving a list, give some knowledge. Tell them about an important truth about keeping up with current events. Is there something you would like to tell people so that they can benefit by reading the newspaper ust like you do? Do you know something I don't? If so, tell it! That will PROVE that you read and pay attention to politics, and it will PROVE that you have those debate skills you mentioned.

:-)

Undergraduate / An experience that changed my life--saved a stranger's life--comapp [7]

This essay really impressed me. It is not just the essay, but the way you think that impresses me. Nothing grabs the reader's attention better than talking about something as dark as suicide, and something that is even better than that is the fact that you speak so admiringly about it! Who does that?! Seriously, who does that?! People ordinarily talk about how suicide should never be the answer -- and personally believe that we should never resort to suicide due to sadness -- but the admiration you express for it is almost similar to the admiration some people in vampire movies have for the vampires... it is almost spooky of you to express such admiration for it.

I hope you will study the methods of Milton Erickson, just in case you find that you have a talent for talking to people.

Undergraduate / Hopkins essay, a shopping addiction [6]


This first paragraph is strangely powerful. I really like it. It is nice to see some writing that really draws the reader into your perspective, your world.

Fascinated by the power of marketing, I longed to possess that power by becoming a marketing manager. ----wow, how captivating tis is! I don't know... I thought most people responded to the power of marketing by wanting to protect themselves from it! I hope you'll use your talents for good companies and help them to prevail over the irresponsible and immoral companies! :-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay awards and prizes are given for [5]

Hi Keng, I want to tell you about the past verb tense here:

First, my brother, Karn, became the winner of the crossword competition. After winning the competition, he received a gold medal , and he gave this medal to his mother, which causes surprises.

Second, my sister, Ann, won a physical competition with a first runner-up. She was one of the representatives that a school chooses.

Finally, my cousin, Joe, came in third place in the political essay competition. He joined the competition because he wanted to pursue bachelor degree in...

Also...
In education field, students are respected by parents, admired by teachers and probably selected to enter a famous university. Students who have awards and prizes will feel encouraged to be successful in establishing themselves in this complex era of globalization.

Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement-what voice will you add to the Class of 2014 [5]

Since elementary school, I have been cookin g dinner for myself, because my parents worked late until 7:00 p.m. and they could not prepare food for me before dinner time. Several years later, no longer making the instant noodles or simple cold dishes that could only appease my own hunger, I became able to prepare several dishes for the whole family.

Below, I will make a suggestion, even though the way you wrote it was already correct:
Such magical experience always brings me into my paradise, where everything is unimportant except for cooking.

Nice job! I think this is an essay that gives the reader a positive feeling about you and your great personality.

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend NYU Abu Dhabi? essay [6]

New York University brings to mind is appealing because of its highly desirable characteristics, in an academic institution, including top class education, rich cultural diversity, and groundbreaking research.-----> right here, if you claim they have groundbreaking research, you should name some of that important research that applies to your chosen field. Don't just say groundbreaking research or you sound like a brochure.

This would be a more meaningful discussion if you named 2 or 3 alternatives to this school and tel why this school is preferable to them. Right now, it sounds like a brochure...

Undergraduate / Why Colby, an earth-friendly college [6]

This essay expresses 2 ideas: competitiveness in sports and environmental consciousness. These ideas are not connected very will, so the composition does not have very good structure. Even though you have a language barrier and are still learning English, I think you can express a reason for choosing this school thatt has something to do with your career and your academic interests. I think you should make the first sentence say something about your philosophy, and then make the second sentence say something about the school's philosophy. I think you do not have to tell them that they won 4 years in a row, because they already know that. It will be great if you can tell a specific reason why this school is better than another school for someone with your intellectual/professional goals.

Undergraduate / "Your favorite books, music, artists, newspapers, films" UChicago short response [8]

The struggles------> give me an...

My interest in politics that was greatly propelled during the 2008 election made me...(this sentence seems unnecessarily complex.

Yeah, I suggest a rewrite, too. It will be better if you choose a concept and really focus on it. Choose a theme. This is too general: This book has enriched me with knowledge of issues. ---> instead of that, talk about the issues.

I like it it that you are focusing on pol. sci. but you should show that you are already opinionated about the issues.

Undergraduate / Why engineering-an experience that sparked your interest in engineering [6]

I have a strange idea for you. the first paragraph is beautiful, but I think it is too long. I think this could be excellent if you end the first paragraph after the word wonderland... and then write the paragraph about the problem. Then, for the 3rd paragraph, begin with the second half of your first paragraph, like this:

The river from my childhood was not just for recreation; it is also my harbor of soul. I would go there...

I think it would be nice to begin and end with mention of that river...

Undergraduate / 'speaking broken English' - UIUC essay academic interests--engineering [4]

Don't use a period if you are doing dialogue this way:
"You are Chinese. Eat rice," said grandpa in a commanding tone.
But if you want to express that he said it with a period at the end for a sense of finality... you can write:
"You are Chinese. Eat rice." said Grandpa admonished me in a commanding to ne.

Okay... the first essay is all story, no explanation. You are right! So, the thing to do is keep the first sentence, but replace most of the first paragra... and transform it into a paragraph about what you want to do.

Then... add a sentence to the beginning of paragraph two, and let it come before the sentence about the 1.3 billion Chinese. Let it be a topic sentence that establishes this as a paragraph that is about what you want to do in life.

Make it so that the essay answers that prompt... you know what to do! :-)

And yes, I thing it is appropriate to address "why UIUC"

Book Reports / Hamlet having a problem with himself and three words that describe him - start? [5]

Well... Google brings you to books, and all sorts of scholarly articles. You can even use Google Scholar. Google finds everything... but yes, you do need to be able to judge what is good and what is not. the first thing that often pops up in a Google search is Wikipedia, and Wiki is not usually acceptable in academic writing.

Undergraduate / How did you hlear about njit and why are you aplying for admision? [3]


I think this sentence above is unnecessary... instead of describing the game, describe your transformation and the seed of curiosity that was planted for you.

...help me a lot in my dream of getting a job at Blizzard. ------> Is there another way to describe this dream? Can you refer not to your intended employer but instead to the professional position to whic you aspire? I think that would be better... better if you speak in terms of the expertise you want rather than the employer you want.

Undergraduate / Eccentric, influential person essay or electricity-generating bike essay? [4]

From day one, Day 1 I knew Mr. Shimmon's class would...

I guess... I guess I think the last paragraph of the first essay should be more serious. In that last paragraph, you should assert your intellectual intentions and your enthusiasm about mastering your chosen discipline and entering your professional field, etc. Do you think that would make it a more persuasive message for the reader?


Anita, the way you wrote this here is a very nice way to express it!! I even like the parenthetical inclusion of "career-wise"

:-)

Undergraduate / "Sonny's Blues" essay (the present and past tense problems) [6]

Wow, John, that is some thorough feedback. You are a hero.

Yes, when you write about a book or film, you often stick to the present tense:
While Sonny's mother makes sure that their father never speaks of those events to their children, it shows...

Keep your description in the present tense. I see that this is what you do for the most part.

I wonder if it is interesting to you like it is to me: Scholars who are writing about a book write about the story in the present tense. That is a nice way to write about literature.

Undergraduate / "Why did you choose to apply to UCF?" Essay for admission. [6]


Hello! I think you should not say "why not...?" because it sounds like you don't care. How about if you say this:

Over the years, when people asked me about my college plans, I almost always thought of UCF.

That sounds more focused.

Undergraduate / UCF has a well-established Nursing program and is very well-known. Why I chose to apply to UCF? [4]

Thanks, PatelJ. I notice you have been helping a lot of people lately.

Writing Feedback / Creativity has always played a big role in humans' development history. [5]

They not only need a high quality product but a new and intriguing one.

I don't understand what you mean about novelty:
It verified that in the modern society when technology allows the blooming of quantity, The only way to be outstanding and intriguing is to be creative -- because our century is a time of rapid alteration and novelty. ----> good sentence!

Do you like it this way? It verified that in the modern society when technology allows the blooming of quantity, The only way to be outstanding and intriguing is to be creative.----> I think this is a powerful assertion. :-)

Undergraduate / Rice University, Supplement, cradle of its field [9]

Oh, I see. I was just curious, because I have been thinking of how valuable those sites are. I only know one language, so I don't know how to judge the quality of the translations they provide.

Well, good luck to you, and thanks!

Essays / How to start an admission essay about myself? [67]

well... start every sentence with a capital letter.

You seem to be doing well. English is hard to learn!

I have great interest in since I want to be physician. So, I am trying very hard in the subject of science. I love biology, but I hate chemistry. I am good at physics. I love English reading and writing.

Undergraduate / Geerd Diercksen, Essay A: some one who has made an impact in your life [7]


Mustafa, have you spent any time learning about Gardner's work with multiple intelligences? That changed my life. It made me realize that a lot of people can't write well, even though they are way smarter than me. Language is our thing, but... for me, visual things don't come easily. I wonder if you have a similar experience... as a wordsmith, how is your skill with drawing? Similarly, I could get lost in my own town because my sense of direction is so bad.. and I have a lot of trouble remembering faces! People I met several times recognize me, but I don't recognize them!! Yet, I can write like a champ.

Then all conversation ceased, and our focus went primarily to the hike. What always makes me chuckle is thinking about Geerd, almost 70 years old, way ahead of us, and at the very back, huddled together and gasping for air, my parents. -----> Hey, this is some exellent writing! I don't think it has as many mistakes as Mustafa estimates.

My mom ended up with sporting black fingernails and weighing ten pounds less. That is another attribute of Geerd that I have always admired.

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay: How can Appalachian State help to reach your career goals... [3]

Thanks Mustafa! I'll pick up where you left off...

Biology and Pre -Medical are the courses of study I'm looking into, carefully, for my major. ---> I think it is more impressive if you are decisive! "I am turning my attention to the task of mastering the field of biology, because this will lay the foundation for my career in medicine." I think that is more impressive than "looking into."

Whether it is a Dermatologist or an Optometrist that I choose as my career, my education from Appalachian State will make... no!! I advise against this wishy washy approach. Focus on what you are sure about: being a physician. And I would recommend tentatively choosing a specialization and pretending to be resolute about it. Resoluteness is always more impressive than indecision.

Exposure to different cultures and ways of living is essential in growing and expanding my perspective of the world. I believe ASU has a variety of ethnicities that can contribute to learning more about this. Getting involved is something I plan to do no matter what college I choose; this will help to learn about different cultures other than my own. However, having the variety of people that App offers will make it a lot easier to become more aware of the world surrounding me.

Honors classes are not something to which I have limited myself.

Good luck!! Choose a specialty. The time is now. :-)

Undergraduate / "I loved the water" - UM Short Answer, Issue of Local Concern [6]

I think a comma is necessary here:
Growing up, I loved...

Somewhere near the start of that first paragraph, I think you should write a short, succinct sentence that names the threat that concerns you. The para goes on too long about what you love before it finally answers the question about what concerns you. In fact, the way you wrote this intro makes it the kind of essay that could be very good with a one-line intro sentence and then a paragraph break. for example:

Water pollution is an issue people hear about so often that they perhaps become numb to the reality of it.
(start new paragraph)
Growing up, I loved the water; I think...

That is just an idea I had for you...

Because of the very informative approach you took here, I think it would be super impressive if you cite 2 or 3 articles about the issue. Then, list the sources you cited at the end. This is something I often recommend, because people do not often cite sources in the admissions essay -- so it sets you apart.

Graduate / I aim to emulate a river / Water is my element - SOP_MS-Chemical_Engineering [8]

A lot of people make a lot of plans, but not all of them are successful. But I think UT Austin can provide me what I need to take my plan one step ahead.

...the exact precisely the resources I have been looking for in the areas of technology and guidance that I have been looking for.

Those are my suggestions, above.. It think it is a solid paragraph. Have you sufficiently explained what those resources are that you have been looking for? If you were a reader at this school's Admissions Office, would this seem to show a thorough knowledge of their program? I don't know anything about this field, so I a unsure...

:-)