Writing Feedback / Giving an advice to a friend about working or studying [3]

Han, you tend to get confused in you ruse of English words because you are not familiar with the differences between slang and formal English words. Coz, is the slang version of "because". While cause means that something happened because of a specific action or reason. When you said "... have the best time", the next word should have been "because as you are supposed to provide a reason for the subject's action. By the way, how does the suspension of your friend relate to his lack of interest in studying? That subject does not have a definite reason for happening that could tie it with the previous statement.

While your sentence structure is problematic and the essay is still mostly a grammatical nightmare, you are able to get your point across and that is what matters the most. That is what you will be scored upon in the end. It would be good for you to continue to do more sentence creation exercises which can help you improve your grammar and sentence presentations. You show that you have the ability to write an informal letter in English, that is a very good start. Now you just have to work on improving the presentation.

Undergraduate / "See the beauty of the tiniest things" - Yale Supplemental Essays [3]

Arthur, let me use an outline form to respond to your statements. It will be easier for both of us to keep track of what you are presenting in the information part.

1. No changes.

2. Only the last sentence of this statement is applicable as a proper response to the question. Build on that as your topic sentence. The current version refers to your grandmother's insight, which is irrelevant since the keyword in the response is "YOU". Having the reviewer analyze the mysteries of the universe does not respond to the question either. Don't be poetic in your presentation. Just be direct to the point. The reviewer has other things to do aside from trying to figure out your complicated responses.

3. Your ending is terrible because you are again, trying to be flowery and imaginative in your response when all that is required is a direct statement. Stop trying to impress the reviewer with your deep intellect. A word limited statement is not the place for that. You did not give a clear response at all as to what attracts you to Yale. It should have something to do with the cutting edge education you will receive in your chosen major and the achievement of your academic goals in relation to your professional pursuits.

4. This is the sentence where you can present your deep intellectual discussion over 35 words. Your response is too simple in this case. Deepen it to show you have contemplated the relationship of your major with the world around you.

5. Give a simple introduction to Gauss and why your question would be important before launching into the question. Just in case a non-technical person, who has no idea who Gauss is, reads the response.

6. No changes

7. Your answer does not respond to the question. You are being asked about what sort of diversity you can offer your suitemates. What makes you different, and therefore more interesting to live with? What is it about your culture that would make the living arrangements a fun experience for everyone? How can you help them feel more at home and relaxed after classes?

Graduate / Need Critique/Advice on Condensing the SoP - Microbiology PhD Program [6]

I understand all of the points you are making. However, I cannot offer you any more advice until you have completed the revision of the current essay. Otherwise the advice given will not be applicable to the essay that will be the result of the changes you are going to have to apply based on my previous set of instructions. Revise the essay as you wish to and then repost it here for another review. You have a clear idea of how you want to make changes so apply those and then we will see if we can already work on proof-reading and grammar editing. At this point, there is no need to change was is already existing.

With regards to your question, I already told you that this is a highly technical essay. The people who will be reading this paper are those with a background in the same field, so a layman's understanding of what was written is not going to be a problem for you. However, if you wish to simplify the wording, just in case a non-expert reads your paper, then go ahead and simplify your presentation. Like I said, it is too long and over informative anyway.

From the sounds of it, you are bucking the advice I gave you. You do not wish to follow it and you want to keep the paper as is. That is fine. I am not offended. This is your paper and it should be presented in what you think and believe highlights your skills and makes you more competitive as an applicant.

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay for UVA - What is your quirk? [3]

Vinh, you are over describing your relationship with rice covered in soy sauce. The first paragraph should have been enough to describe why you like the dish and what you consider unique about it. You could remove the reference to your taste-buds not maturing yet and you not caring about what they thought. It unnecessarily lengthens the description of your quirk.

The second paragraph should focus mostly on how this food favorite of yours has helped you understand how two highly different flavor profiles can come together to create an interesting dish that "does not compromise each other's strengths". Use that thought to explain how you often being something unique to the table that helps to strengthen a friend's weakness or compliment a schoolmates weakness. This is part of who you are based upon this dish and this is something that will help to increase the diversity of the university campus.

As an essay draft, this is a good piece of work. You need to make only minor revisions to create the final version. I would say that you did a good job on this piece.

Writing Feedback / Many people had skills such as making their own clothes and doing repairs to things in the house [3]

John, as a professional contributor at this forum, I cannot, in good conscience, give you advice regarding the improvement of this essay because you did not meet the minimum word requirement for the Task 2 essay. With only 245 words, this essay will get an automatic failing score. Remember, you need to meet the minimum word count in order to meet the minimum scoring considerations / requirements.

Since points will be deducted from your essay due to the missing word number that leads to the minimum word count, you will lose a big chunk of the score in the TA section. Then, when you consider the existing LR, GRA, and clarity problems in your presentation, the conclusion will be that you have not done enough work to get at least a passing score.

Since this is your first post at this forum, and it is a post that does not follow the Task 2 format anyway, I will not offer you any advice at this point. That is because the lacking words prevent me from getting a clear idea of your actual writing abilities and how it may be potentially scored using the 4 brackets. I need you to write a full 250-300 word essay and post it as a new topic in a new thread at this forum. That way I will be able to judge your work on a more solid foundation.

Scholarship / The leadership has been existing in me without my knowledge [4]

Brian, all you did in this essay was open up about a community problem and your comments about it. You did not show any actual leadership skill either intentional or unintentional. Simply crying and giving a talk sounds dramatic on paper but does not do anything to deliver a leadership understanding with regards to how you function as a leader or what your leadership style is. This is not an essay that properly responds to the prompt.

Had you instead, spoken of how you sat in on the talk and realized that you wanted to help solve the problem, then you would have laid out the foundation for a leadership style, development, and personal understanding in the essay. You would have been more prompt responsive that way. So, revise this essay. Go beyond the talk and what you said. Show how you helped lead the teenagers back onto the right path. Then explain what unique leadership traits you showed that helped the community teenagers change. In what capacity did you effect change? What skills and leadership traits did you use to do influence the change in the teens? Was it a direct or indirect influence on your part? What was the end of the story? These are the questions that you have to respond to that might help you create a better response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / "post undergraduate goals" - Berkeley's HAAS business school application essay [2]

Utsav, this is a simplistic response to the statement. As such, it does not really respond to the question nor describe a solid post undergraduate goal. Saying, "I plan to open a practice" leaves the question, "what kind of practice?" As a biology major, as you planning to open a diagnostic lab? Or maybe go through with a medical degree which will eventually lead to a medical practice for you? You need to be more specific with regards to your career goals in relation to the business degree. If you can explain what your post study plan will be, the reviewer will have a clearer idea of the unique MBA requirement that you developed for yourself.

I want you to think of a deeper reason for your choice of university. The reason you have given is too vague, it doesn't really make your university choice stand out. It feels like the description you are providing is meant as a general basis of your choice rather than a specific reason or goal for your interest in HAAS. If I were the reviewer, I would not be impressed by the essay you have provided. It requires more depth, not just the shallow thinking of a soon to be college graduate. Think forward 5 years, then explain how your business education will help you achieve your career goals over 5 years. That creates the imperative requirement for higher learning in your essay.

Graduate / SOP for Master of Science in Computer Science - Machine Learning - University of Houston [2]

Thien, this statement of purpose is for a masters degree course. As such, the discussion should not include personal insights about time spent with your father discussing your early interests. The most relevant discussions here are your college experience, internships during this time, your current work, and your foresight regarding your career at this company, what the company aspirations are for the company growth in the future, and how you see yourself participating in that movement. These relevant sections will more than cover 2 double spaced pages or one single spaced page. Of particular interest to me while reading your paper is your reference to learning Data Structure. How did this learning directly apply to your workplace setting? How would you frame this as the basis of your current career?

Transition that to the arrival of Rosie the Robot. What sort of additional training or continued education did the company require you to have in order to become a functioning member of the Rosie team? How does the arrival of Rosie relate to your advanced academic interests? What sort of benefits do you see yourself contributing to the company and its other departments?

Truth be told, there is a lack of appropriate purpose in your current essay. That is why I am asking you all of these questions. If you can address most, if not all of these points in your presentation, then the paper will have a clearer purpose and goal for your desire for a masters degree.

With regards to the university choice, you really need to work on a more solid study plan to present in the essay. It could be only one or two paragraphs long. What's important is that it showcases the last part of the prompt which is "how your interests complement the department's faculty and research.". I believe that this requires you to mention specific university professors or university sponsored research that you hope to participate in during your thesis year. You could write about how you would like to focus your research on something specific related to AI and Machine learning by say, developing a more advanced version of Rosie that can become the more advanced version of the robot, or something like that.

Right now, this essay sounds like you just wrote down everything you could think of to see what would stick. I hope my questions and avice can help you write a more solid draft that has a better direction in terms of introducing your SOP to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 about the number of inquiries received by the Tourist Information Office in one city [2]

Ngoc, you managed to provide enough relevant information albeit in a very confusing manner in this analytical essay. You suffer from a lack of connecting word usage such as "the" and "a" throughout the presentation. Your essay actually lacks clarity in the information discussion due to your poor word choices. The timeline in your presentation is all off. If you are discussing something that happened in 2011, then all reference actions should be in past tense rather than present tense, a common mistake throughout your essay.

As per the information you provided, I did not see a reference to the 2011 year in the chart. Neither was there a reference to a generic city anywhere in the chart. Please remember, for accuracy purposes, if you don't see the data in the chart, you don't put it in the report / refer to it in the analysis. That creates a questionable and inaccurate report on your part and could lower your TA score. My suggestion is that you read more sample task 1 essays as provided at this forum and learn from the advice given. You should find yourself writing your own task 1 essays in a better manner after reading about the mistakes and corrections applied to the work of others.

Writing Feedback / Some people think that media outlets are making violence more popular in real life [3]

Dan, there are two types of writing methods for the Task 2 essay, one, is the direct opinion essay that references a response to a direct question such as "What are the reasons that the sky is blue?" The other is the opinion essay, which does not require a direct response in the presentation because of the 5 sentence requirement per paragraph. The extent essay is one of those essays. Your prompt paraphrase is overly complicated because of your direct response. In this instance, a simple paraphrase is required. Something like:

Mass media is perceived to be purveyor of violence in our society. This a statement that I totally agree with. In this essay, I will explain the reasons that I support this statement.

Somehow the prompt that you provided as the original feels incomplete. There seems to be a few missing details in the post but I worked with it, just to show you how to meet the 3 sentence minimum requirement for each paragraph. Yes, sometimes writing the task 2 essay is also about an ability to improvise when you know little about the prompt provided.

You have a subject-verb disagreement with regards to the plural-singular word choice for the term "are. Since the subject is "media" a "singular" reference word, then the singular reference "is" should have been used rather than the plural form "are". Then there is the problem with your conjunction use. Remember that you always need to use a comma after a conjunction such as after the word "adults", but before the phrase "future generations".

The overall discussion is acceptable. Though clarity and conciseness is still a bit of a problem for you in this essay, that occurred only once so I would not worry about it so much. It won't affect your gra because of the overall clarity of the discussion.

Writing Feedback / Animals should have protection rights instead of having the same rights as humans [2]

Tran, since you forgot to post the original prompt along with the essay response, I cannot give you any advice regarding the content of your essay. The most I can help you with at this point is with regards to your grammar and sentence structure problems. I wish that I could have given you a more in-depth review of your essay but without the original prompt, that is just impossible.

You are missing a comma after your conjunction reference in the sentence "... they are intelligent, and..." . There a few more errors regarding conjunction punctuation use, specifically to a missing comma after the conjunction in several sentences. The comma is always used to connect separate sentence references / thoughts in a paragraph. Don't get used to doing that though because its consistent use in any paragraph often results in run-on sentences, which has a relation to a reduced GRA score.

Please remember that your word choices matter in this essay. The way you present a sentence wording will indicate either clarity or confusion. So, when you say "can not", you confuse the reader. The word "can" indicates an ability to accomplish while the word "not" means to disagree or, as referenced in this sentence, be unable to accomplish something. When you say can not, that mean you can but also are unable to. That doesn't make sense. However, saying "cannot" means "being unable to" in a contracted form. The word "cannot" is a contraction that refers to being unable to accomplish as opposed to "can not" which does not make sense as I previously explained. Be mindful of this practice of yours as you appear to do this several times throughout this essay.

I won't review anything else for you at this point because I am unclear as to the original writing instructions. I will give you advice regarding content improvement next time. That is, if you remember to post the original prompt along with your response. Please remember to do that.

Writing Feedback / Competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills [4]

Nuradia, , you are writing this essay for the GRE test. Therefore, it is not to be approached as if you were writing a Task 2 IELTS essay. That is the biggest mistake that you made in this presentation. Your arguments are simplistic for the most part, lacking in true analysis of the given statement, and does not offer a clear point of view based on only one of the two specific choices given in the original statement. There is no halfway point in this essay, only a single point.

Your first paragraph is not understandable to a great extent. I believe this is because you were thinking in your native language and then you tried to translate it into English. Never do that. That is how you end up delivering indiscernible sentences like "Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition." What are you trying to say? Whatever the real message you were tying to convey was got lost in translation.

Please remember that mere proof-reading your paper could spell a passing or failing score in any English test. There is no such word as "thaught", the correct word is "taught". At this point, it is expected that you have already passed your IELTS or TOEFL test, which is why you are taking the GRE already. That means you are capable of writing fluently in English to a great extent, show a high level of academic English usage, and you know how to edit, revise, and finalize your paper before submitting it for a score. None of which is evident in this essay so I do not hold high hopes of you getting an impressive score in the GRE at this point.

Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on children under pressure in modern society [2]

Dan, while you are somewhat fluent in the English language, you apparently do not know the difference between formal English writing, which is the requirement for Task 2 essays, and casual (slang) English writing, which is never used in academic writing formats such as this test. Phrases such as "emotional baggage" are normally considered to be part of the slang side of the language. It is also incorrect to use that term in this essay because there are more than just excess emotional baggage required in the discussion. We are talking about pressure placed on children while excess baggage normally refers to "the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes." You had the right idea but the wrong phrase used in this instance. Do not use English words, phrases, or colloquialisms unless you are absolutely sure of how it is used in a sentence and what the meaning of it is. Don't risk your LR and GRA score on it. Do not set out to impress, set out to clearly and coherently inform instead.

Now, this is an essay that could use a 3 reasoning paragraph format. There was no need to simply place your discussion topics into one extremely long, but little explained paragraph. As I said before, the rule of thumb is one topic, properly explained per paragraph. In this instance 2 paragraphs could have been used to explain the reasons with one paragraph left to indicate a general measure to reduce the pressure on the children.

It is because of these reasons that I can say your essay would have been better written if you had paid attention to the details which would have helped increase your score. Your trending problem in all your essays lies in your inability to create coherent and concise sentences and paragraphs. Work on that instead of constantly trying to show off your vocabulary. A good vocabulary and knowledge of English slang is useless if you cannot explain yourself properly so that other people can understand what you are trying to say.

Writing Feedback / An IELTS task 2 essay on environmental laws - waste recycling [4]

Dan, you keep on making the same mistakes it seems. You are too focused on delivering your own idea of how to discuss these essays that you are always neglecting to follow the required format for the response creation. In this instance, you must provide your response to the question at the end of the opening paraphrase. It becomes your thesis statement and the basis for the whole opinion essay, which is why you cannot stick the direct response in the middle of the essay. You respond in the manner that the question is asked or the instruction provided. For a direct question, always respond at the end of the prompt paraphrase. That is being scored as part of your TA abilities.

You must review the tense usage rules. Be consistent. You cannot use a current action, "throwing" to describe a past result, "recycled". The correct sentence presentation is "... throwing away more than we recycle". Use the current word form of the word. Make sure you understand the English writing rules and how to apply them in your writing. Mistakes in this section will severely affect your GRA score due to problematic sentence structures and grammar errors.

Your essay would have been much stronger if you had properly placed your third paragraph as your second paragraph instead because that is more in line with the prompt requirements. The problem with this third paragraph is that it is trying to discuss too many topics in one paragraph, causing you to go over the maximum sentence count of 5. The topics presented do not go beyond being mere discussion points that lack an accurate development in terms of reasoning and supporting explanations. One topic per paragraph is enough as long as you show:

1. A subject sentence
2. A reasoning sentence
3. A supporting sentence
4 Example (optional)
5. Transition sentence

I mentioned the transition sentence your essay is very choppy in presentation. A smooth flowing discussion scores better when you show the reviewer that you are capable of using transition phrases or sentences to introduce succeeding topics. That is why you need to make sure that your discussions focus on one topic alone that you can use to introduce another topic.

Your conclusion should be at least 3 sentences for maximum scoring. You cannot use the term "maybe" in this presentation because you are not continuing the discussion of a new opinion in the conclusion. There is a reason it is called the concluding summary. You are to present a second version of the opening paraphrase, this time focusing on the discussion points in reference to your opinion, which closes the discussion.

Writing Feedback / More high school students have parttime jobs while parents are not able to support all their needs [3]

Celine, "high tech" is actually a hyphenated word that connects the two separate words into one meaning. Consider it a glue that helps to keep otherwise different word meanings connected into a new and singular meaning such as in the case of "high-tech". You need to work on the conciseness of your presentations. By that, I mean you should be using less words but in more complex forms that show a degree of English sentence structure mastery. Most of your paragraphs tend to get too wordy for no reason. In fact, writing over 300 words ensures that your essay will lack in coherence and cohesiveness because, rather than focusing on the content of your discussion, you are more concentrated on vocabulary, which means you will not have time to edit this essay in an actual test to create the best possible presentation for it. Write no more than 275 words. That is just the right number of words to leave you with editing time and also, a better scoring consideration for the overall presentation.

Avoid writing in run-on sentences such as your first sentence in your prompt paraphrase. Makes sure to divide the presentation into short but clear sentences. Also, avoid citing actual events such as the financial situation of 2008 as that may not be relevant to the actual discussion. In addition to that, references of such precise detail indicate that you did research during your practice test, which you will not be able to do during the actual test since it is a pen and paper test.

For the sentence structure, stick to the minimum 3 -5 sentence count so that you can fully utilize the scoring potential of each paragraph. While there are presentation problems in the opening paragraph that can affect your score, the fact that you clearly responded to the given direct questions will ensure a decent TA score for yourself.

You are not properly defending the opinion you provided that this trend of having students work part time is a positive thing because their parents cannot support them. You are talking about technology and its progress, among other things. However, these are not valid reasons for having a part-time job. Conditions of needing to save money for tuition fees, helping their family financially, or the desire to be financially independent are the valid reasons for this discussion, not the reasons you gave above.

Now, while there are no right or wrong responses to the given prompt, its accuracy in responding to the question will be considered as part of the TA score, since your response doesn't align itself in a more appropriate manner as suggested by the prompt, you cannot expect to score well with this type of writing.

Graduate / Personal statement for applying postgraduate courses in filmmaking and directing fiction [4]

Jason, since you are talking about a career change for yourself, you must first justify why you didn't enroll in film making school when you entered college. The personal statement allows you to give the reviewer a clear idea about why this want your first career choice. It also gives you the opportunity to show how you feel into the movie making world as a director. Now, while your essay shows the logic in your decision to become a film maker, what is missing is a discussion of how you developed the heart of a director and a passion for film making beyond being a producer. That it's why, even though your essay is detailed and long, it doesn't justify the development of your interest nor does it show your promise or potential as a filmmaker.

Dropping notable names of people you worked with, but not showing how they taught you to become an informal director doesn't help. You need to at least show that you became an assistant director or unit director during the course of your work with these people or that you learned some rudimentary directions lessons while on the set. Otherwise, the only proven discussion in this essay is that you are a producer, not a director, at heart and by passion. I'm sure that isn't what you were aiming for right?

You had a good introduction to film making with the Nolan reference, but then you lost track from there. It is important that your personal statement indicates how you posted an informal dedication as a director during your time as a producer. You do not show any of these elements in this essay. Additionally, you can improve your content by explaining why, even though you lack formal academic training as a director, you feel that you can complete this MA. Convince the reviewer that you can succeed when, by all accounts, it appears you will fail.

The grammar is the least of your problems with this essay at the moment. Get your discussion on track thematically first. Then you can think of editing the presentation and working on the grammar for the final version.

Graduate / SOP/ Motivation Letter - Graduate Mechanical Engineering with production system course [2]

B, a motivation letter is merely the cover letter that accompanies the other essays in your application such as the personal statement and statement of purpose. Your cover letter content is irrelevant to a motivational letter. Almost all of the information you have placed here belongs in one or the other relevant essays you have to write for your application.

Limit this essay to 5 paragraphs at the most that discussed your professional motivation to improve your work skills through personal academic improvement in the field. The motivation should include a discussion of how your professional plans for future success require you to be academically competent alongside your professional efficiency. Explain why learning theory matters in your profession. That will be your academic motivation to support your professional goals. Those are the only required information for this essay / letter. Everything else you can put a pin in for use later on in the ps and sop.

Graduate / The positive impact of occupational therapists on people of all ages - SOP essay [5]

You should include your professional experiences. Most specially the ones that brought you some sort of recognition working the office. That will help define your purpose to the reviewer. As for the personal accomplishments, add those only if it will help enhance your purpose. For example, if you write an article during of hours on relation to your profession and it was published in a medical journal, or something similar. Otherwise, it isn't really necessary to discuss personal accomplishments. I am not sure where you got the idea that a statement of purpose is personal in nature. That is never the purpose of that essay. That is discussed in a personal statement. Stop confusing the two. Unless there is a specific prompt requirement for the sop you forgot to share with me which is confusing you? In which case I need to read the original prompt so I can provide you with more details advice for the statement of purpose.

Undergraduate / Common app Personal essay- recount a time when you faced a challenge, setback, or failure. [4]

Arnold, the essay that you wrote doesn't align with the requirements of the prompt. You should be using the following prompt instead: Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

This is a tremendously impressive situation that led to a realization on your part. However the essay focuses too much on the event and it's effects on your mother and family members, who are not the applicants and therefore, should have the least amount of exposure in this essay. Revise the content to focus on you to help the reviewer understand how everything that happened after had a direct impact on you emotionally, mentally, and socially.

The change can talk about how you now view you mother and siblings (an understanding of others) which led to your evolution as a person from a child to an adult (sparked a period of personal growth and new understanding of yourself). Based on the change in prompt, it is clear that the essay you wrote, once revised and edited, will allow for a more relevant presentation in relation to the prompt objectives.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Structural Engineering Graduate Program [3]

@ufatihkaya I do not like the way that this opening paragraph is written. It is wasting word space when it should be hitting the reader with the impact of your motivation instead. Build this paragraph from your professional related aspirations and desires. What dreams do you have for your future? Why do you desire to reach that point of success?

Overwhelm me with your passion for your profession and your desire to become a leader in this field within your country. Convince me that you have a valid motivation to continue explaining within the succeeding essay paragraphs. Make me interested in learning what else you have to say. Do these all in your first paragraph or you will have lost your chance at gaining my interest in your application. That is how important the opening paragraph is too your motivational letter. That is what you failed to do here.

As a reviewer, I am more interested in how your interest in the course has motivated a desire for professional improvement within you. Relate that to the architectural improvements in your country. Not the other way around. Excite me with an introduction of how your current skills have helped shape the architecture of your country. Then explain to me how the government projects increased your desire to improve professionally. Then build the succeeding paragraphs around those information.

Scholarship / "What excites you" question. Does the answer reflect values, inclusivity and tapping into potential? [3]

Admirabilis, what i took away from this essay is more of what interests you rather than somehing that you are passionate about. Yo took the aademic discussion to the point of dullness. Your writing did not excite me as a reviewer because there was nothing beyond an interest in helping these kids declared in your essay. You need to make this essay come to life somehow.

You claim that you work with these kids. That's great. That's where the passion should come from. How do these kds change your life? Your outlook about the people with secial needs? What drives you to help them coming from these interactions. Don't just tell us they are special. Show the reader how their uniqueness has triggered a passion in you that sparked a change in your personal values. Be specific. You need this discussion to engage the imagination of the reader.

Scholarship / Plan of Study - Master's degree in Programme and Project Management - The University of Warwick [3]

Peter, this is a good discussion but it is not a study plan. A study plan refers to a project or research idea that you have for impleentation in your home country upon your return. The presentation requires you to present a thesis statement, project objectives, type of research required, possible length of research, benefits of the research in terms of promoting the UK relationship with country through the foundation's support of your research, and finally, what the assumed outcome of the research will be that stands to benefit your home country.

Your essay severely lacks in the required information as what you have presented is nothing more than an overview discussion of facts. There is no presentation of an actual plan for your studies. This is a thesis presentation requirement. While this may change in the fture, the reviewer needs you to at least give an idea od how you will be spending your study time as a scholar. That's why thi essay needs to be more definitive in presentation rather than a general discussion.

Letters / Motivation letter for a Master degree in English Linguistics. [2]

Abderrahim, your approach to writing this motivational letter sounds too elementary. It is almost as if you ar writing a third grade paper on why you like learning about langusges. It lacks a professional and high level of writing / collelege level discussion regarding your motivation to study this masters degree. Your motivation needs to be profession based. You need to offer a solid professional goal a part of your motvation. Therefore, the discussion should only be focused on explaining what improvements you seek to make in the study of linguistics in your country along with its professional applications. Use the short form of the presentation. The lenghty and more intricate presentation should be in the sop. This is extremely wordy but doesn't really hihlight the reasons for your motivation.

As for your motivation for your choice of university, make sure that you are not using commonly known ffacts about the university, but that your decision was based on your academic needs and professional training requirements. Make the motivation for your university choice simple in this letter. The deeper discussion about that should be either in the personal statement or statement of purpose. At this point, it would be best if you write a totally new essay for your university application instead based on the guidelines I gave you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - topic MEN and WOMEN (fatherhood and motherhood) [3]

Trjnh, familiarize yourself with the use of indefinite articles. To be more precise, learn when you use "A" and when to use "AN". A is normally used when the word to be used after it starts with a consonant while the vowel ending ones use "an". In this essay, your indefinite article mistake was in the phrase "a example" which needs to be rewritten as "an example". While the rest of your sentence structures are not really perfect, these are more negligible in a sense as the mistakes will not impede the understanding of what you wrote so much. However, your GRA score may be affected by continued indefinite article, and other English grammar rules violations.

Your paragraphs tend to be more in run-on sentence forms rather than complete sentences written in short but complex forms. Do not mistake long sentences, separated by commas or without commas for complex sentences. Most students make that mistake as they do not realize that they are writing run -on sentences instead. Each paragraph should be composed of only one topic sentence, fully developed in presentation over 3-5 sentences. That is the basic, unchanging rule for the Task 2 essay.

Try your best to avoid memorized phrases such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand". Develop a topic sentence presentation for your first line in every paragraph instead. It is better for your score if you say "In these modern times, fathers are just as capable of raising children as women are." The second paragraph could say "Women may be the traditional people who raise children but men have shown that a man's presence is important in a child's life." By using topic sentences rather than comparison memorized phrases, you get an opportunity to increase your GRA score.

By the way, you don't need to provide the reason for your disagreement in the paraphrase. That is a discussion better served in the body of paragraphs. Additionally, don't present a continued discussion in the concluding summary. There is a 5 paragraph maximum presentation for the Task 2 essay and the last paragraph is always used as the concluding summary that restates the prompt, discussion topics, and your opinion. It is not meant to create a continuing discussion as that creates an open ended essay, that lowers your TA scoring potential as you were unable to restate your own discussion, as required by the scoring considerations, at the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Explain the need of learning a foreign language [2]

Dan, you have totally changed the prompt discussion for this essay from a comparative public point of view discussion with a personal analysis at the end to a totally personal opinion based essay. Your prompt instructions paraphrase did that when this happened:

Original prompt: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your Prompt: I believe that they are only beneficial to the group mentioned above, as will now be discussed.

What happened to the comparison discussion requirement? Remember, you have to point out the original instructions, in your own words as part of the prompt paraphrase. The paraphrase should have been:

I will be presenting my personal opinion regarding this topic after I have studied the two popular opinions regarding foreign language learning.

You became too focused on the "I" aspect of the discussion that you neglected to properly identify the required discussion. Which is why you did not discuss both public opinions first before jumping into your personal opinion. You are lacking one paragraph in this 5 paragraph essay (3 reasoning paragraphs) which clearly and concisely presents a believable discussion of the presented opinions, reasons, and discussion points per paragraph.

Rather than using the memorized phrases "on the one hand" and "on the other hand" for a comparative discussion, you will score higher when you reference to discussion party instead in the form of "People who believe that language learning is only for travel..." and "Considering the point of view of others who look to other reasons for learning languages..." as some other methods of referring to public points of view. Do you see the difference? My version allows you to better increase your TA, LR, and GRA scoring potential. Your version limits yourself to only the lower scoring bracket.

Undergraduate / "REHARMONIZATION OF MY LIFE NOTES" Personal Statement For The Common Application [2]

As far as story uniqueness goes, this is right at the top of that list. However, there is a lack of balance between your interest in jazz and its relevance to your math accomplishments. You need to balance the discussion, less jazz, more math. You may even want to consider revising the essay so that the importance of jazz to your math learning and accomplishments become the focus of the essay from the very start. Balancing it with the way a musician needs to hit every note at the right tempo, calculate the proper time to enter into an ensemble piece in order to complete a sound (in relation to an equation), or something similar. This essay has the ability to balance the discussion and yet, it focuses mostly on jazz at the moment, with only a sudden, rude connection to math in the end. There should be a fluid blending of the two related topics in your presentation. It must be seamless, it should not shock the reader. It should instead, seem like the most normal thought process presentation for someone interested in both jazz and math.

Scholarship / Motivation for choosing the GLOCAL programme - personal statement for this project [2]

Yuyi, it seems like you did not even bother to read the prompt requirements before you wrote this essay. You just kept on writing, regardless of the irrelevance of your total essay to the given prompt. I am not sure if this happened because you ignored the instructions, or because you are not qualified to become a GLOCAL participant. At this point, I cannot advise you to revise this essay because there is nothing to revise. It does not apply in any way to the given requirements. Instead, write a new one that addresses every aspect of the prompt. Let me see if I can make this clearer for you.

1. ... your motivation for choosing the GLOCAL programme
- This requires you to explain your academic history in relation to your future career path. How does cross cultural management relate to your interest in art? What personal interest do you have in the arts? Why do you feel an academic need to pursue additional studies? Personally, I do not see a relationship between your current studies and your future plans in the arts field. You will need to make that more evident and connected to your current degree.

2. Explain why you think you are a good candidate for the programme
- Depict any art related experiences during your studies, without reference to trips to your town and visiting local artists. Those are not academically related and will not allow you to explain how you will be able to complete the course curriculum based on a connection with your college studies.

3. Significant post graduation work experience.
- I do not see any relevant profession related experience coming from you at this point. You seem to be relying on the Chinese image across the world for this rather than your personal accomplishments which is what the reviewer needs to know about. Throughout this essay, you have been relying on China and its workings with the world to boost your GLOCAL application. Unfortunately China is not the applicant here, you are. Focus on you, not your country nor the citizens of your country to boost your application.

4. ... topic of your master thesis.
- There is none. You do not have a thesis statement indicated in this essay, only a potential point of interest when it comes to writing your thesis, which is not the same thing. You need to provide a study plan in this paragraph, regardless of whether you change it later or not.

5. Awards and Accomplishments
- I am guessing the non mention of these on your part was an oversight? Unless you do not have any to speak of? In which case your essay will be severely weakened and your application will be directly affected because you are missing quite a number of important reference points as per the prompt requirements.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Yale- Jackson Institute Global Affairs. [2]

Samuel. this is a very interesting personal statement that carries clear motivational aspects for your choice of masters course and the university. This is not a statement of purpose. The statement of purpose focuses on only 2 things. Your academic and professional goals as it may be developed and honed by advanced academic theories and practices as set forth in a masters degree curriculum. It is not a narrative of your interests nor a long winded essay that takes too long to get to the point due to the over informative nature of your presentation.

The opening statement must indicated how your previous studies, yes, that is a requirement, has prepared you for this course. Previous studies meaning your college interests, accomplishments, and relevance to your profession. Within your profession, you should explain what factors have led you to the realization that you require further training in this field. Focus on a specific problem you wish to resolve. The motivating factors, which take more than half of the essay at the moment, should be removed to shorten your presentation. The motivation should instead be developed in the motivational letter.

You must also be sure that the professors you are discussing in this essay are open to hiring student aides or assistant researchers, if your thesis program does not require their participation, or if the professors do not hire students for any reason, then mentioning their names will not help your application. Not even mentioning that you look forward to enrolling in their class will be relevant to the purpose of this discussion.

Focus your decision to choose this university instead on the similarities your academic and professional goals have with the objectives of the program and the training or internship aspect of it. Explain how you hope to use these tools within your workplace and why you feel that your professional background has helped make you a perfect fit for this program. Create a written impression of your determination to succeed in this program and how you plan to utilize the university sources to do it.

There is a missing reference to your study plans in this essay. Your last 3 paragraphs should be removed to focus instead on the study plan which will be the main purpose / reason for your motivation for higher studies. The reason being, the purpose is to solve a problem in your field of expertise, the solution will be found during your research thesis, which will then be applied in the actual workplace. This may be hypothetical in scenario as you may decide to change the focus of your thesis later on. At this point, you just need to prove an applicable reason for your studies.

The essay need not be extremely wordy. You can actually complete this essay within 750 words at the most. It all depends upon how you revise the essay and change the content to be relevant only to the "purpose" aspects of the academic and professional kind.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - Female unemployment rates in the four countries of the UK (BAR CHART) [2]

Shuying, the main problem with your analytical essay is not in the grammar structure nor the presentation. The problem is in the discussion presentation. While your discussion is acceptable enough, you are not accurately delivering the summary overview, trending statement, and number of sentences required per paragraph. While you did meet the 4 paragraph presentation, your sentences were mostly limited to one of two sentence presentations at the most. The minimum requirement per paragraph is actually 3 sentences with a maximum of 5 per paragraph. This allows you to deliver an analysis of the information rather than simply an enumeration of the information, which is what you did for most of this essay.

The summary overview lacks a clear reference to the areas in England that were included in the chart measurement field. You also neglected to indicate the measurement type which was in percentage. Your trending statement is incorrect as there can only be one reference in that statement. Either you indicate the measurement at the highest point or its lowest point. There is no trend indicated when you present both the high and the low. That is a comparison sentence, not a trending statement.

Graduate / Study Plan for my Canadian study permit application for MSc in Civil Engineering [4]

Yes. The requirement of the visa officer is that you write a study plan. Your personal statement has nothing to do with your visa application. Only your intention for studying in Canada and the motivation behind your studies are important. The most aspect is your intention to return to your home country after your course of study has been completed. As the title you provided for this essay indicates, you are being asked for a Study Plan, not a Personal Statement. These are two different essays governed by two different purposes. You must change your essay for the visa application. I do not know what else to tell you. The visa documentation is specific. You must provide a study plan, not a personal statement. Don't take my word for it if you don't want to. It's up to you. I can only offer you advice, I cannot make you follow it.

Scholarship / Motivation letter for Erasmus Mundus Scholarship, Groundwater Master Program. [3]

Fernanda, you need to better represent your qualifications as opposed to coming up with reasons why you failed to gain scholarships in the past. That is of no interest nor importance to the reviewer. What he wants you do to do is convince him that you should be considered and awarded an Erasmus Mundus masters scholarship. You need to delete this essay and start with a new one that indicates more of your strengths as a college student (your reference to your research abilities will work well as the opening statement), your current professional achievements (the publication reference can help support this as a strength), Then your seminars attended.

After you present those information, you can refine the connection between these strengths and the demands of the 3 universities, in relation to your chosen courses and your preparedness to meet the demands of the course to the point of completion, which will ensure your success as a student who will complete each course at each academic institution.

Don't use the pity factor in this application. The reviewer will not be won over by your mistakes, missed accomplishments, and other irrelevant details. Work on presenting your academic goals into the presentation in relation to your future plans. These should merge to create a clear motivation for your studies. At this point, the motivation is not very clear in your presentation. This essay is only good as a draft It cannot be the basis of the final essay version.

Graduate / Ethical and practical challenges. Personal Statement to Study a Master Degree in Urban Planning. [2]

Alaa, as a masters degree personal statement, this essay is still a work in progress. It lacks focus and proper information development in reference to the development of your personal interest in Urban Planning. The first thing you need to ask yourself when writing this essay, "What do I know about urban planning at this point? Why do I want to learn more about it? Where did that interest come from?" Those are the 4 main questions the personal statement should respond to so that you can properly introduce yourself as a professional to the reviewer.

The last paragraph, should explain what your criteria for choosing the educational institution was. What do you aim to learn? How do hope to learn those lessons? Does this university respond to your academic needs? Why and how? These questions, when properly presented in the personal statement heighten the personal insight into who you are as a professional and returning student. Explain why you feel that now is the right time for you to go back to school. Everything else can be presented in the statement of purpose.

Undergraduate / Supplement essay for Colgate University - We want to get to know you better [2]

Bishoy, don't use first person pronouns for this essay. Since the description should be coming from your best friend, use the second person pronouns instead. You cannot be the active voice in this essay because you are not the person being asked to describe the topic of the essay. As such, it would be better for this essay to stick to the point of view of the writer. My suggestion is to write it this way:

My best friend, name, and I have known each other for X years. Over that time, he has come to know me as a person who is genuine, helpful, and innovative. I remember that he used those words to describe me during different times, often when I am doing something extra special for someone else. He told me I was a genuine person because... When he saw me doing... he told me he admired me for being helpful. When we were partnered up for a class project, he admired my innovative mindset because...

The description should not be something coming out of your belief in yourself. It has to come out of the admiration of someone else that you are narrating to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Whether physical exercise should be a part of every school day or students should focus on study [3]

Dam, you have a subject-verb disagreement with the use of the word "optimize". That should be written as "optimizes" because the word describes a currently ongoing action. Learn when and how to use pronouns as well. You made a mistake in reference to "students" which is the plural form of the word when you were speaking of ownership so the proper presentation would be "students'". You also cannot use two comparative forms successively. Therefore it is wrong to say "more ready" but more proper to indicate "readier". Try to use only one plural form for a word rather than similar indicators as in the case of "both of them" which should be written as "both". "Both of them" tends to confuse the reader due to the redundancy of the phrase presentation. There is also a structural problem with use of the term "concentrate" in the opening paragraph. It should be written as "only concentrating" which is a reference to a currently occurring action. You have a tendency to use connecting words such as 'because" to start a sentence, as a connecting word, it cannot be used to start a sentence. You should add a reason or discussion before the use of the word instead.These are but a few of the grammatical and sentence structure errors that I have found in your presentation. However, it did not affect the quality of your reasoning. The writing may be a bit poor, but your discussion paragraphs are logical and therefore acceptable for the given task.

As I said, your personal line of reasoning is good. The researched information, should not be included as you will be doing a pen and paper test, without the aid of the internet at the testing center. That is why the Task 2 essay always asks you to use only personal knowledge and experience in defense of your opinion. Never practice using outside research sources because that is not something you will have at the actual test site.

Your conclusion needs work. The concluding summary, as it is known, must contain a restatement of the prompt problem, your opinion, the reasoning topics you provided, and a closing sentence. Your presentation does not do that, causing an open ended essay which may have an effect on your final score since you are not allowed to continue the discussion of new information, as you did in your final paragraph, in the actual test.

There are several run on sentences in your later paragraphs. Please remember that these types of sentences will make you fail in the GRA and C&C sections because you are being scored for clarity and coherence along with the structure of the sentence. Short but informative sentences score better than comma divided sentences presenting 2 unrelated ideas. Learn to edit yourself. Use only one idea per sentence, regardless of how much you want to use 2 ideas in one sentence. You are not being scored on your knowledge of the topic, you are being scored on the clarity of your explanation regarding the given task.

Undergraduate / Taking advantage of a significant educational opportunity or overcoming an educational barrier [2]

It is confusing to read. The best way to approach this essay is to first discuss what you excel at, which is sports. Explain why you excel at sports and what you have learned from it. Then apply the lesson to your interest in Coding and Computer Science. You will need to write a introduction using sports, a transition paragraph that will introduce the lesson you learned from sports and its application to Computer Science. Then, you will have to write about your misconception, the difficulties, and how you overcame it using sports analogies. That way the connection between sports as a method of overcoming an obstacle is clear and defined from the start.

Your presentation is choppy at the moment. Your ideas lack proper connecting presentations which would give more meaning to your narrative. Try to use more transitional phrases or words that will create a fluid thought connection for the paragraph information as you present it. I have already given you some clues above as to how you can do that. I hope that you can apply it to your essay. This version is only a draft, a workable version that can still be perfected.

Undergraduate / My childhood seemed very lousy in the moment, I've realized however, it's my greatest blessing [2]

Layipaana, don't forget to run a spellchecker and double check the grammar in your presentation. You've got several typos in there that need to be addressed. Watch out for those tricky pronoun changes like families which should be family's. Your word choices need to be double checked as well (e.g. years time = year's time). Refer to your punctuation marks as well. You need to correct some of them. I guess this is still the draft version of this essay right? So you have time to spot and correct the errors in the presentation.

Based on the content of the essay, would have to say that paragraph 1 and the concluding paragraph tend to underwhelm the reader. It doesn't have the sort of impact that would make it memorable to the reviewer. I believe that the second paragraph would work wonders in terms of creating a more memorable opening hook for the reviewer. The second to the last paragraph will also make for a stronger ending to the essay as it will remove your tendency to be redundant in terms of content and references within the presentation.

Scholarship / Setting Up International Networking (Chevening scholarship). [5]

Consider what your current job is. What is your job title? What sort of work does it entail? Does it require you to seek help from outside of the company in order to accomplish tasks? How do you accomplish that? The answer, through networking. How do you network? Through company sponsored training sessions, continued education, training programs with other companies, or even the occasional social party. Anywhere you find yourself surrounded by people working in various sectors of the same field as you, you are networking. The question is, how do you nurture these contacts? How have these contacts helped you with the performance of your job? How have you helped them? Why do you think Chevening can use your contacts? If you can refer to at least 2 or 3 different people from related professions who helped you with some difficult tasks in your own office, and you have shown an ability to reciprocate, then you will have proven a usable, relevant, and nurtured network on your part.

Undergraduate / Common App essay - talking about challenges I've faced throughout my life [5]

The sentence structure errors are nothing that a simple editing check will not fix. In terms of content, I believe you should focus the essay on just one of the two open topics you have chosen so that the reviewer will not be confused by the sudden change in discussion when he gets to the middle of the essay. The coding discussion might be more relevant to the open topic presentation if you are going to major in computer science. If not, then you can work on the peanut allergy situation as a method of introducing yourself on a more personal level to the reviewer. The way this essay will improve is really up to you. As the writer, you are the one directing the story and content of the presentation. I might be able to help you better once you have completed your revision and posted it for review as an URGENT thread in this same location on the forum.

Writing Feedback / The issue whether punishments for crime should be fixed to judge each crime individually or not [2]

Dokhanh, I could not even continue reading your essay past the second paragraph because the incoherence was overpowering your writing. You are so wordy and not in a good way that the essay is saying a lot of things, without actually having any coherent meaning or message to each sentence or paragraph. You are more focused on your Lexical Resource representation, which does not do anything good for your essay because simply writing a long essay that does not make any sense will not help you pass this test.

Your paragraphs are mostly composed of run-on sentences which contributed to the lack of clarity and cohesive thought process in the presentation. Your desire to use as many English words as possible, rather than focusing on useful English words to create your sentences further added to the confusing discussion paragraphs. Your essay would fail on an overall consideration in an actual test.

Do not write any more practice essays at this point. It would be better if you first educate yourself about how to write coherently in English. You can do that by reading the sample essays here in relation to various Task 2 prompts which would help you get a better idea of how to properly present these essay discussions. Increase your English sentence composition exercises to help you write in coherent but short sentences. Those are the types of sentences that will help you score better later on.

Essays / Essay question - do your examples (cinema, painting) fulfill the mandate for socialist realism? [5]

There are 2 ways of defining the word "mandate". The first is " an official order or commission to do something. The second is "the authority to carry out a policy or course of action, regarded as given by the electorate to a candidate or party that is victorious in an election." In this case, the socialist realism should be discussed, as per your paper, with regards to how successful the new cultural presentation was in promoting Stalin's communist values. It is his political agenda which helped him control the country. His social realism was strongly based on rejection of the proletariat through the use of imagery. it might be best for you to use the second option for writing this essay. The one based on the propagation of Stalin's political agenda. I would say you could cover all 3 aspects in your presentation because the novel may be depicted in a painting, which can then be translated to film. There is a connection between that 3 that can help you explain the requirements of the essay.