Undergraduate / "intended major is Japanese" - UC transfer personal statement Prompt #1 [2]


... When you say Japan it is a much broader definition in which the language is a tiny part. If you are interested in Japan in every aspect, it is fine :)

I am Korean, yet I am very much interested in learning about Japan and Japanese language.


Korean and Japanese languages are different,however, they share some closeness; not only there are a few similar words but also some words have the same pronunciation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Money spent on parties is waste or for betterment. [3]


Partying is considered as a great way to socialize.... I think this provides a better hook statement for this essay and I like if you opened the essay with this sentence.


.... :D .... interesting :D
Be the purpose a birthday, wedding or even job increment, everybody would ask, "So, when is the party? "


These is the plural form of This, so it should be read as;
These parites / This get-together ... there is no plural form for get-together
Also, I find this sentence redundant and that idea is said previously too. I don't think it serves any purpose for your introduction. :(

Writing Feedback / 'Taxpayer, employer and individual' - IELTS Writing : Cambridge 1 : Practice 1 [5]

First, I'd like to suggest you the structure I and dumi always suggest for this task.
As per this structure, your introduction is fine. However, the second paragraph goes beyond the scope of an overview. Hope you have a better alignment of your writing with this one we suggest. :)

Writing Feedback / 'Babasaheb Ambedkar'; hich one person in the history would you like to meet? [6]


.... I think you need to align this more with your prompt;
If I am give an opportunity to meat one person in the history, it is Dr Bhimarao Rami Ambedkar aka Babasaheb Ambedkar whom I wish to meet.


Born to a family that was very poor and socially inferior , Dr Ambedkar had a troubled early life.


.... what you need to say here is that cast system was very powerful at that time and very prominent in society. Good or bad is a judgement and it is too early in your essay to come to such conclusion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-In some countries, the old age is more valued, while in some countries the youth [14]


This introduction more work with regard to its structure if you are keen on earning a good score. I am going to quote what dumi suggests for the structure of your intro.

Writing Feedback / 'Lecture and reading passage' - Toefl: integrated essay [5]

No... Sometimes the lecturer supports the arguments presented by the writing section by citing examples. So, the tasks for Integrated TOEFL Writing can take two forms;

1. Lecturer refutes what is said in the Writing passage by citing examples
2. Lecturer strengthens the arguments presented by the Writing Passage by citing examples.
Go through a few past papers and you would find both types.

Essays / Help with what to write for Art Essay; Outline? [3]

Well, you are the person who knows more facts about the piece of art you are going to write. So you may be able to add much more flesh into the skeleton I'm going to suggest;

Introduction - Introduce your art - who's work? when? why it is famous? why you like it? etc., but very briefly.
Then you can elaborate on each of the above in other paragraphs or sections.
Finally do a conclusion to reinstate your opinion on this piece of work.
Google will help you research on this artwork :)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays traffic in major cities is worsening. What problems does it create? Solutions? [6]


You write very well and it is a very good introduction. However, the last sentence is the one that I find a bit weak;


I prefer if you presented this idea differently because these are the expectations of the reader. The reader anyway knows you are going to do that in forthcoming body paras as the prompt has instructed you to do so. I wish if you just mentioned the reasons and solutions very briefly (you are going to elaborate on them in the body paras) to conclude your intro.

Undergraduate / My journey began when I was in the third grade; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [3]

You enjoy lots of freedom when answering for this prompt as this prompt is giving you permission to write about anything since the words "background" and "story" are pretty vague. So you can adopt any style you wish, but this story should tell what is "central to [your] identity," and it needs to make your application more complete. Let's have a look at the following;


I feel this is not really necessary as the admission panel expects you to tell them a story that had a major impact on your life, and possibly changed you as a person. You can use that word allocation to add more important things to your story.

Writing Feedback / distance travelled - IELTS academic task 1 writing (table form) [6]

Good... Hey, I've done a major mistake while providing you the structure for this task. The one I provided is for the hook for the introduction of IELTS Task 2. It's a big miss and very sorry about my misleading comment.

Writing Feedback / Public utilities and surroundings are the primary factors to consider before moving to a place [7]


Public utilities and surroundings are the primary factors which we basically consider when choosing a place for living.


However, generally it is very difficult to find all our requirements met.... it is implied that the community lacks all what you desire


.... this sentence ends abruptly.
In my hometown, although public utilities are at a very satisfactory level, transportation is still a concern for many who live there.
You write well :)

Writing Feedback / distance travelled - IELTS academic task 1 writing (table form) [6]

Use the above "Attach file(s)" feature to upload your graph. That is the only way you can have the graph with your essay. It is important we see the graph, otherwise our comments may not be very meaningful :(

As for the structure, your first two paras are fine that cover the introduction and the overview. But the para that discusses the details is not adequate to meet the requirements of this tasks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology cannot solve all the world's problems! [8]


This is a very good introduction except for the last sentence;


... the latter part does not add any value :(

Undergraduate / Academics are a big part in my family - College Essay [4]


.... I find redundancy in some sentences. So this is what I suggest;
I grew up seeing how hard my mother struggled to provide the best for me and my sister. This made me be determined, serious and persistent student. I never gave up pursuit if I was interested achieving something. For instance, as I began trying out for Twirling, I was the worst in the team, but I would go home and practice hard every day.

Hope this helps :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: pros and cons of work in other countries and take families together [8]

This is a common issue that most of us who takes IELTS. Set time and practice during practice sessions. The best way to handle it is follow this structure (this is what dumi suggests to others) strictly.

Undergraduate / I am no stranger to many of the world's cultures; Rutgers Benefit, contribution essay [2]


Although prominent, the city of Cairo was the least diverse city I ever lived in that had a very large majority of Egyptian population. So, for the first few years of my life I never did interact with anyone from a different cultural background other than that of my own country.


However, when I was seven years old, my parents moved into Qatar with me looking for better career prospects.


Although I found better diversity in Doha, Qatar compared to Egypt with people from different countries, they too represented the Middle Eastern and North African countries and shared a common language.

Scholarship / Biomaterials and Tissue Engineering Laboratory essay [3]


.... "since 2008" .... have you been studying or working or doing research at this lab since 2008?
I have been studying (???) at the Biomaterials and Tissue Engineering Laboratory under the guidance of Prof xxxxx of xxxxx University since 2008


I am writing this letter with the intention of exploring the possibility to join your research team in a postdoctoral position.


I successfully defended my PhD at the University which awarded the PhD degree to me in September 2013.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: pros and cons of work in other countries and take families together [8]


.... the latter part is not really necessary.


You better give an example of more specific nature.
You write very well. Good ideas, vocabulary, presentation etc. Better pay little more attention to your essay structure that is more appropriate for this task and help you earn a very good score. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Nuclear energy is a better source of power for today's global energy needs. [3]


To produce energy using traditional methods, we need to burn fossils and natural gases.


These emit enormous amount of carbon dioxide that gives rise to global warming and environmental contamination.



However, with the use of small amount of uranium, a nuclear power plant would be able to generate a tremendous amount of power.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Mobile phones have made life easier - More positive than negative effects? [4]


... yes, of course!


It made our lives simple and convenient.


First, the mobile phones help us stay in touch with loved ones much easier today than earlier eras irrespective of geographical barriers.


.... good one... you are very correct!


Excessive use of mobile phones may result in family disputes.

Undergraduate / Academics are a big part in my family - College Essay [4]


One of the things that I have been constantly told by my family is "me nah raise nuh pretty dunse".


In Jamaican dialect it means we don't want to raise a dumb person.


Education meant a lot for my family. We are immigrants to the USA and my mother used to tell me that their goal is to educate us so that we can return to our home one day and lead comfortable lives.

Undergraduate / 'creative and destructive humans' - UBC personal statement [3]


This project provided the initiative to locate the habitat of familiar plant species of local region and develop a data base on its findings.


.... this is a very good activity that you can talk about for this task. However, I wish you included more real life experiences than these two lines because they may convince the admission panel more about your involvement.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Does a celebrity benefit society or not? (Cambridge IELTS 9 G1 Task2) [2]


... I find this statement unfair. Not everybody is interested in becoming a celebrity although there can be many such people. Also, you need to re-organize the words to deliver your idea properly to the reader;

For many people, becoming a celebrity is a dream throughout their entire life.


I don't find much logic in this statement too.


In my personal view, I agree that the celebrities benefit the society.
Well.... It is good if you included the full prompt with your essay, because what I understand from your title is something different to what you have written above.

Writing Feedback / 'Jail time or community sevices work' - Ielts essay 02 [5]


This is a pretty confusing sentence. It is important that this first sentence which is your hook be more attractive because it is the one that is going to make the first impression about your writing to the reader. So, write a clear interesting sentence. Do not lengthen sentences unnecessarily.

Nowadays, volunteering for community service has become a more popular activity in high schools.


This is again too long. Therefore you tend to make mistakes :(
Some people are of the view that such activities should be made compulsory in high school curriculum. However, there is a strong opposition for this view from those who argue that these activities disturb the students' academic work.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The advantages and disadvantages of building a large factory near community. [5]


.... your topic is specific to one particular factory and it does not necessarily imply that it would lead to have the area an industrial zone. So let's stay with the prompt more;

Such plant may help the development of the infrastructure of the area and that would be a positive improvement in the lives of people living in the community.

Ok, you take the position to oppose to the building a large factory. So, use each body para to give reasons to highlight why you oppose. Part of your second body paragraph talks about its benefits. That is not going to help you.

Writing Feedback / SAT; Judging a book by its cover [6]


Here emphasize (though briefly) the point that why it is important to remember them and follow them.


Why did you chose a character in a book to support your view? There are many real life examples that everybody knows and they can tell a more convincing story to the reader than these hypothetical characters. I think it is better if you took one of them.

Also, first tell the reason why it is important to look beyond superficial appearances and then support that reason with an example.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc Agricultural Economics [3]


My academic background lays the foundation for furthering my studies in this field.


With the word "this" you have reference to things said in the previous paragraph. Therefore this should not be a new paragraph and should be a part of the previous one. You start a new paragraph to begin telling a new idea.


My mind is open to explore new economic thinking and approaches and I am ready for another new leap in my economics career.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Line graph (UNEMPLOYMENT RATES OF PEOPLE IN THE US AND JAPAN) [3]


.... good introduction


.... Again, a very good overview statement . Since this is report writing let's put it like this;
The graphs show heavy fluctuations of unemployment rates in the two countries during the period under review. Overall, the US had showed a downward trend while Japan showed an upward trend.


I think this is very good because you follow the most appropriate structure for this task. (introduction, overview and background)

Graduate / The greatest economic challenge; SOP for Ph.D. in Economics [2]


Being born in Bangladesh, I grew up in a country that is submerged in poverty and high rate of unemployment and its constant struggle to cope with ever growing population.


With a desire to study these problem from a closer perspective in view of finding solutions for them , I found Economics to be the ideal subject that would equip me with appropriate knowledge and exposure. .... tell your contribution part later to avoid that idea getting repeated too often in this response. Your desire imply all that.


.... Yes, this shows you are a responsible and good citizen. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay, Advantages and disadvantages living in a house and apartment [5]


There is nothing wrong with both. They are both grammatically correct.


Well... they follow a marking scheme and I hope you would get an idea about how you will be marked if you visit the following website;

ielts.org/PDF/UOBDs_WritingT2.pdf


Ok, there are a few I too find in this essay. They may be careless mistakes and overall, this essay is not one with bad grammar :) However, pay attention to not making any grammar mistake because it is something serious when it comes to scoring :)

Writing Feedback / Books? The knowledge learned from experience will remain in our minds better [4]

I just provided my comments on another essay that is also written on the same topic :D


Parents all over the world usually try their best to educate their children by sending them to colleges.


... this sounds confusing due to some grammar errors;
But, whether one could survive with the knowledge from books alone is actually a question.


... This is the statement that tells the reader about your position on the argument. So don't let it sound vague. Make a clear statement;

As far as I am concerned, I prefer to learn from experience.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Compare and contrast knowledge from experience with knowledge from books. [5]


Awesome start :)


... It is implied that you would present your justification for why you hold this opinion in the body paragraphs.


....well... this is a bit questionable because a books too provide all possible answers to one particular question. In this case, in my view, it is not anything to do with one answer or several answers. It is about that "practical know how" cannot be gained from theoretical books.

Writing Feedback / Antidemocratic countries and the effect of capital punishment on our lives [3]


... well, in my view there are many more important reasons why people are against death penalty. One such reason is that the danger of the innocent being wrongly executed. Also it is not deterrent and crime rates have not gone down.


These are the last few lines of your introduction. However, it is good if you concluded your intro with stating your opinion.

Research Papers / Research paper on Steps to be a Pediatrician... MLA FORMAT [2]


Pediatricians play an important role in the medical profession and there is a high demand for them today.


People always look for a licensed and well trained doctor to take care of their children.


... this is pretty confusing. I feel you should have combined this idea with the previous sentence;
People always look for a licensed and well trained doctor to take care of their children rather than letting that responsibility in the hands of someone who is not professionally qualified.

Writing Feedback / IELTS chart - the nutritional consistency of two dinners [3]


... good introduction :)


This is report writing, so let's put it in a more reporting style :D
As per the graphs, the largest portion of nutrient values consists of carbohydrates in both types of food.


.... this second para should give an overview of the graphs to the reader. So, don't go into much details of statistics here. Discuss the major trends briefly. The first sentence is fine for this purpose. Tell them some more observations of major trends and in the third para, give more details with statistics.

Writing Feedback / Private and public health care system s- IELTS Academic essay [2]


.... I find a few issues with this idea... why do you say people find an issue so passionately? I don't find much logic there. Also, you need to show how a basic human right becomes an issue. This is your hook statement and it should be interesting and simple enough to impress the reader and take the reader immediately into your track.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Is nuclear energy is better source of power? [5]

One great invention in energy production is nuclear power which produces huge amounts of energy using small amounts of fuel without polluting the environment by burning fossil fuels.

I find this is a very good essay. Its structure, the ideas, sentences, vocabulary all compliment well to its overall presentation. I am sure you can go for a very good score and hope you were able to manage time too when writing this essay. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay; Education is a key factor for a successful life [3]


..."immature period of life" does not sound proper;
It is argued that children should start schooling from young age.


... this is an incomplete sentence. If you have "Although" then you need to tell the other idea too;
However, others view that the age of seven is the best for them to begin a formal education.


I personally agree with this view because schooling from very young age may have negative impact on the child's metal and physical development.

Graduate / God gives every bird a worm, but he does not throw it into the nest;Nurse Practitioner- PS [4]

Well.... you have written it well and I don't any issues with your sentences or grammar. However, I wonder whether you have adequately responded to the prompt;


In this response you have not tackled what you think about the future of this field - is it taking a different direction? what would it demand? etc.etc.... and then how your goals would set in that future. I think this is one of the most important aspects they would want to know from your response and you better think about this point and align your response with what they really need to know about you,

Writing Feedback / Multiple Pregnancies - Research paper - Preterm Labor [2]

Pregnancies can be difficult and dangerous whichand this is why mothers need to follow the instructions of doctors to avoid pre-term labor.


.... Are talking about multiple births only? The first part sounds that you talk more generally about all types of births and the second about multiples. Whatever the case, I feel you need to improve clarity of this sentence as it does not clearly deliver your idea to the reader. A bit confusing :(


I think these sentences should interchange their order or you should remove the first line completely. I find it disturbs your flow.