Writing Feedback / Juvenile delinquency is multifactorial case, not just caused by working mother [2]

Hi Angga, as I finish reading your essay, I believe it is written well, the best thing that I like about it is that you were able to depict the arguments that you would like to be seen in your essay. Moreover, the essay is also short, simple and straight to the point, given the fact that you have a very good prompt, you didn't go over board in writing and pouring ideas into your essay. Most of the writers that are given such an argumentative topic will normally write a ton of ideas and in the end they lose track of what the essay is all about and what the goal of the essay is.

You were also able to cite facts and notes that are relevant to the prompt, meaning, the sequence of importance in your essay is very visible and you didn't go back and forth with your ideas.

Lastly, you have raised your point in such a manner that a reader would be able to follow the series of ideas you have added in the essay.

I hope my insights helped and should you need further assistance, do let us know.

Writing Feedback / Information from testing and market stages is the input for design process of goods manufacturing [2]

HI Nida, I believe this is just a post glitch when you forgot to include the diagram in your analysis, just be careful on your future articles.

Now, going back to your analysis, let me try to help you out by sharing what I think needs some corrections;

- manufacturing of the consumer goods.
- processes and several

- To begin with ,
- together in a storage places .
- result are become the input forthe outcome are added to the production planning process.

- the inputadded to the design process.
- used in the packaging and advertising phases .
- The next step is the dispatch process,
- and saleselling the product is the last
- Feedback from sales phase is processed in market research.I believe this last sentence is not necessary as we have added the same idea in the beginning.

Now, Nida, this corrections are just based on grammar and proper sentence construction as I am not able to analyze the diagram, this is why it is really important to add the diagram in your analysis.

I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / Mentor have to check the condition of his children if they are ready or not to learn second language [2]

HI Nida, as I come to the conclusion of your essay, I would like to note that you have a fairly written essay. You made sure that your points are elaborated and the details of the essay. Moreover, you have also written your essay in such a conversational way, no bold words, nothing that will mislead the reader or think of other idea as the essay concludes.

I would also like to mention that the essay is well structured to the point where the flow of the idea is clearly stated, meaning, the focus of the essay towards fulfilling the prompt is through and through.

Now, for future writing reference, you can keep the same details, careful elaboration of the important points as well as the idea of the essay but you can also add a little creativity in your essay, this will add a much more interest and substance to your essay, keep up the good work and keep on writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Fewer and fewer people are walking these days [2]

Hi Lita, as I come to the end of your essay, I must say I got confused, confused in a way that I started asking myself if I was reading a different essay towards the end of this article, mainly because it seem as though you started a totally different essay. I think what made me think this is that you enumerated a few points for your argument in the beginning and you did the same in the end.

However, it can easily be revised by creating that flow and transparency, meaning, you can still call the following paragraph as a solution, but rather than enumerating the points, you can let the sentences flow like they are a part of the entire essay and not like a stand alone one.

Lastly, don't forget that what you are writing is a solution to what seems to be a growing epidemic, however, this does not mean that you have to focus on that aspect, you also have to strengthen the idea or the body of your paragraph and make sure that it is as strong as your introduction and conclusion.

Writing Feedback / A country must have regulations to arrange and manage people's lives. [2]

- A plentylot of people
- which have beenthat are regulated by the governments.
- Therefore, severala few (I believe this fits the sentence better ) citizens
- do not pay attention to the existing
- about their selfthemselves .
- seat belts in the car.
- they will likely to get a serious
- rate in theinvolving car accidents.
- existentexistence regulations.

HI NIda, as you can see, I took the liberty of giving out corrections for the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope they are useful in completing the revision of the essay. What I see missing or needs improvement is your sentence structure, the verbs that you use as well as the links between the subject and the action word does not fit in the construction of your essay.

I hope this helps and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.

Graduate / SOP for MSc Computer Science（academic background and career strategy） university in Swiss [3]

Wang, I would like to say, for the purpose of the essay, this one that you have written is quiet long for its intention. Here are my observations; the beginning of the essay started a little weak, the words you choose does not necessarily satisfy the intensity of the goal of the essay, however, the essay transitioned to be a little strong towards the middle of the essay, this happens to be stretched to the extent that you added a lot of words that at this stage is not really necessary to the essay.

What I suggest is that you revised the essay with the focus of answering the questions below;

- why are you pursuing this masters
- what is your inspiration and what will come out of this masters
- why is this institution vital in pursuing such a course

Lastly, as much as you write about your strength and your academic affiliates, you should also write about what you can give the institution as an alumna and as a future representative.

I hope my insights helped.

Letters / Cover letter for entry level sales position to check grammar and contents [2]

Ryan, as I finish reading your essay, I must say I was captivated by your passion on not only mentoring and this being consulting but also in educating people. It's an essay written not only to point out what your assets are but it is an essay meant to let people and the university to understand what you are capable of and what you can share to the institution.

Moreover, the essay is also written in such a way that you have enumerated you strong point, of course, you do have weak points and you should not be worried on adding this to the essay too, at this point, I would like to say that you may add this points but make sure that the emphasis will still be on your strong points, this way, the focus of of the essay will still be on your strong attributes.

Now, going back to your essay, you don't have to worry about the grammar or your sentence structure, you have a well written essay.

Lastly, I would like to congratulate you on finding your passion, mentoring or in your field, consulting, is one way of sharing what you learned, trying to make other people see you in a different level, as an educator, as someone who is ready and not afraid to share knowledge to people, a noble act indeed.

Writing Feedback / The hot air goes out of the house through holes in the attic hatch. How heat is lost in a home. [2]

- incomes through
- the air vent in the ground floor,

- basement thru the window

- enteringenters the first
- floor, (mind your punctuation marks ) encourage
- point of air leakingleakage .
- Most air goes out via

Hi Tri, as you can see above, I made a few corrections and I hope its helping towards your revision.

What I notice on your essay is that the sentences you made are missing tiny points such as the form of the words used as well their placements in the sentence. The major thing that you have to be careful of is the grammar, once you have a poorly written essay, this can ruin the entire essay and you might have a hard time getting it back to the right track so you have to be very careful.

Essays / Building a web site project. There are writing portfolio, too difficult. [5]

Hi Min, after reading this essay, I'm still puzzled as to what is the purpose of this essay is, if you are aiming to write an introduction, I believe it's missing a few points too. So here's what I suggest, when you respond to this thread. Write the purpose of your essay, this way we will be able to accurately give you some insights and suggestions in order to further your writing.

Moreover, a writing portfolio is not just a bullet point of your future writing articles, a portfolio is the collection of your writing and not the bullet points.

I am looking at the thread again and if the intention is to highlight the following points then this will suffice the purpose.

I hope this insights helped in redefining the purpose of your essay and when you do the revision, be sure to keep an idea straight and keep it from the beginning towards the end of the essay.

Writing Feedback / The pictures informs about the development of Stockford village during 1930 until 2010 - IELTS 1 [3]

Hi Tri, I would like to share some corrections that will hopefully modify your essay when you do the revision.

- The picturesdiagram gives - InOn the contrary,
- there wasare several

- According to the mapsdiagrams ,
- area whichthat led to
- changingthe change in the design
- of roads in the middle of the village.

- located in the north of the post

- which are located in
- the south of the primary
- pulledbarred down
- house in town before.
- of the bridge

There you have it Tri, as you can see there's still a few more corrections to be done in order to revise your essay and polish it, your analysis is there, the idea is captured in the sentences too, you are just missing tiny details.

Writing Feedback / Uncontrolled population growth rate has been a contemporary issue in many countries in recent years. [4]

Hi Angga, I hope to add some insights in your essay.

- This problem is usually
- does not pays enough attention.
- if the society and

- those people have a strong
- to get a birth control treatment.
- InOver all,
- thosethis attitudes will lead
- to overgrown population.

There you have it Angga, this is only the first 2 paragraphs of your essay and I hope it's useful in creating your revision. As I notice you were missing the linking verbs and the form of the words are also not figuratively correct in the input or the place they are incorporated in your sentences. I hope my corrections help in your upcoming revision. When you do the revision, make sure that you review the sentences and somehow proof read it so you can practice to be a critique of your own work, this will also help you see the corrections yourself and this will make you feel more confident in your writing.

Writing Feedback / Population explosion: the risks and causes. Is it the biggest problem faced by humanity? [3]

Hi Ray, after reading your essay, I would like to share that you had a very good point and an argument towards the given prompt. I also loved the fact that you took time in writing the introduction, most of the articles are written straight forward and dash through the points they want to be known, yours on the other hand, gave the readers the chance to get to know what you are about to take on and this is a very good technique in writing.

Now, I made a few corrections below that will hopefully help in creating your revised essay;

- 24th century life( this is not necessary, avoid adding words for the sake of adding them, make sure that they matter in the sentence if not complete it ) .

- continuedcontinuous problem
- is what we should be concerned assince
- it might be lea d to another
- remarkable troubleissue .

There you have it Ray, I hope this is useful.

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of wireless channel in communication - is this paragraph well written ? [4]

Hi Suhib, thanks a lot for appreciating our work here on EF, there's nothing more like words of thanks from students and people alike that keeps us going and do what we do best. Help and spread the English language the way it should be written and practiced.

Now, when doing your revision or any writing practice that you do, be sure to follow the following guidelines;

- review the language rules
- mind the prompt, make sure that your essay does not go overboard or over the top of what is asked of you to write, because sometimes, we are so engrossed in our writing, we tend to write a lot and it ends up going far from the idea intended for the essay.

- be careful with the tiniest details of the essay such as the linking verbs, the punctuation marks and of course, the big points has to be mastered, your grammar

Lastly, mind the flow and the structure of the essay, this will bring the essay to its glory and of course, the more you write, put your heart into it and make it known to your readers.

Writing Feedback / There are some different steps to treat the rainwater to produce the quality of water [2]

-rainwater isbeing reused for
- are some different steps
- to use it for several aimspurposes .

- collected in a dam,
- which is produced
- byfor domestic
- river becoming cleaning water.

- the rainwater by saving them in the
- storage tank.which the water comes from the rooftop. - the waterit can be used
- that is connected to the rivers,
- the functional of this establishment
- is similar withto a drainage,

Hi Nur, I have taken the liberty to modify your essay and I hope it helped.
What needs to be done is for you to be exposed to forming sentences and how words, linking verbs as well as the flow of the essay matters.

Writing Feedback / The development of West Park secondary school since its contraction in 1950 [3]

Hi Tri, as I go over your analysis, what I liked about it is the variety of words you, adjectives and verbs that you have used in the essay, most of the analysis I read are focused on the diagram in itself and this turns out into a very flat essay. The contents of the essay is written in a way that is depicted in the diagram.

Now, as much as I want you to still polish the analysis and if you do so, mind the sudden conclusion or overall analysis straight from the beginning of the essay, as a summary or conclusion should be written in the end of the essay.

As mentioned, the analysis is written well and I hope you continue on exercising the same perseverance towards mastering the English language.
You have been writing pretty good essays over the past few months and I hope to read more of your essays here in EF.

Writing Feedback / Method of losing heat and wasting energy by transferring air [2]

Hi Siti, I would like to share my thoughts in your essay and hopefully enhance it.

- by transferringthe transfer of air.
- The air from the outside
- to insidegoing in, covers
- heat lostloss ( lost - something missing, be careful and mind your word choice ) .
- While in the attic
- and because of the light in the ground floor,
- waste energy waste .

- from outdoorthe outside faucet which
- is filled the crawl space.

- wasted is happenedhappens because
- the first floor
- the transferring of leaking air leaking in the
- At this place,In this space
- go out from the plumbing stack
- in the ground floor.

There you have it Siti, after the corrections I made, I must say that you have what it takes to understand and analyze the data of this analysis, however, you were not able to express it properly in this essay, this is quiet normal as English is not your mother tongue, which is acceptable and it's good that you are trying to get better at it by writing.

Writing Feedback / Water Cycle Base on The Location Where It is Dropped [2]

Hi Yonathan, I would like to help modify your essay, to start, your overall analysis is good, however, it is not clearly written in the essay, so let's focus on that.

- as rainwater until it comes back
- to the diagram,
- depending on the

- process is begunbegins when
- The second process is started when
- kept in a rain water

- two possibilitypossibilities of the water usage. - hasis not been used by human,
- Moreover, thethis process
- is repeated againrepeats itself .

As I mentioned, overall, it's a well written analysis and you were able to explain the diagram in a way that the readers can follow through and will understand what is exactly happening.

Writing Feedback / The air flows out and into the house thus causing inefficient consuming energy on heater operating [2]

- The diagram informsillustrates the ways
- of air flowing
-thusthat caused
- inefficient consumingconsumption of energy on
- heater operatingoperation .

- It is an energy waste to be used - on temperature conditioner
- the breeze of the air into the house.

- recessed lightningslightings designed
- By theseHaving said that , the architecture
- of power used to control the temperature inside the infrastructure .

Hi Ray, as you can see I have shared a little modification in your essay, I hope you follow through and create a revision of this essay with the suggested remarks above.

What I notice is that, you have the idea as well as the analysis of the given illustration but this did not transpire in the essay, so more practice writing is required.

Scholarship / Organisation needs, professional experience and education background - course and institution choice [7]

Hi Treasa, I hope to give some critical inputs in your essay by sharing what I think is a needed correction, please find below;

- There are criterias that enabledenabling me
- relying on how we
- SinceAs my organiz ation
- to the organiz ation
- there areis a large number
- of highly reputablereputation universities in
- From thosethis universities,

There you have it Treasa, as you can see, there's not much to modify in your essay as this is fairly written, it has contents that is focused on addressing the prompt and that's exactly what makes this essay a good one. You also manage to point out the reasons behind your action, the act of choosing such course and university, I'm simply saying that you have a clear idea on what to do and your goals have steps on how it is going to be attained and I wish you will be able to make it.

Undergraduate / Why you decided to apply to the department/area of Sejong University to which you are applying? [7]

Hi Trinh, as I read your essay, I notice that you haven't revised it following the suggestions we mentioned, however, of course its your choice. Now, what you did is changed the sequence of the essay, somehow this has not help the essay, it should be a specific and straight forward writing that is focused on answering the question, Why Sejong University?, as mentioned the first paragraph is strong and the succeeding ones are not, so you have to take that into account.

Moreover, the essay is already good and written well, the only issue is the excess of information and how the sentences got weak towards the end of the paragraphs.

Now, what I wish to see is a revised essay that still has that strong start and a stronger ending. You are able to write well and I believe you will be able to modify your essay in a much stronger point following the introduction of the original essay.

I hope to read your final revision soon.

Scholarship / 'Trains, cars, skyscrapers, games' - Questbridge Quest for excellence essay for STEM [3]

Hi Greg, I would like to help out in your essay, please find the corrections below;

- I watched the science and discovery
- STEM could helpwill be able to assist me achieve
- this by givingproviding me a pathway
- Although I have not yet decided a specific career to pursue in STEM,( this is not necessary as it shows sign of weakness )
- of the society.

There you have it Greg, so far it's just minor corrections and I hope it helps.
For future reference, I advice that you carefully choose the words in your sentences, I believe other than this, which is major, the overall essay os written well and its contents speaks for what you want your readers as well as the critics would understand.

Undergraduate / Why you decided to apply to the department/area of Sejong University to which you are applying? [7]

Hi Trinh, I notice that the prompt is asking for you to be specific, to answer your question, yes, the second paragraph went a little too far from the overall purpose of the essay and you should take note, at all times, that the prompt is asking you to be very specific and so this is how it should be done.

However, I must say that you started very strong in this essay, you were able to answer the prompt straight away, precise and direct, I believe the first paragraph suffice what is asked of the essay. On the other hand, it also doesn't hurt if you add a little more information in your essay but may be not too much as it is in your current essay.

In doing your research, I believe the part where you give an example on routes and destinations is not necessary for now, this can be added later on should you need supporting essay to back up your work, but for now this is not necessary.

I hope to read your revision soon and I wish the best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of wireless channel in communication - is this paragraph well written ? [4]

Hi Suhib, I would like to help and see if this paragraph is well written.

- communications as enumeratedas followsbelow :
- communication in thisas the medium, faces difficulties.
- and differentgreatly differs base on geographical location .

- Therefore this guides to different propagation mechanisms are published :

- thatwhen its dimension
- Also it is widespread appearancenoticeable in offices

The above corrections should be able to lead your revision to greater creation of your paragraph and the essay in general. For further writing reference, make sure you build the idea and let this idea transpire in your essay, I'm not saying that this essay does not depict that the idea you have, however, the essay needs further revision in order to elaborately explain the purpose of the essay.

Scholarship / Studying in South Korea is a way to in realize my future goal - KGSP Graduate Scholarship [2]

Hi Felix, as I read and understand the purpose of your essay, I must say it needs a little revision with the focus on your word choice well as the form of the words.

The good thing about writing for KGSP is that the guideline is very clear, it's almost like answering an essay for a regular submission.Having said that, the approach of the essay should be simple and the information given is the same. Furthermore, the words you choose is somehow not fitting in the essay, please find the samples below.

> becoming - use become or of becoming depending on the sentence

> by using - In using

> I've also graduated - I have accomplished..

> could be happened - could happen...

> I believe that KGSP will be once - I believe KGSP is a once...

As you can notice Felix, there is still a lot of work to be done in your essay, I hope you follow through and see the revision guidelines apt to the standards in the KGSP essay.

Graduate / Process control/ optimization, modelling, simulation.. SOP for PhD admission in Chemical Engineering [2]

Hi Umar, as I finish reading your essay, I must say it is quiet redundant, what I mean is that the information in the essay is way too much for its due purpose. I suggest that you try to revise the essay by omitting a few sentences or even paragraphs, make sure that when you do though, keep the pertinent and relevant information in the essay.

I believe the one that may not make it to your revision is the part where you talk about Engineering process, don't get me wrong, this information is vital, however, it may not be necessary for the purpose of this essay. It is an information that will be needed in the other essays that will follow, so I suggest keeping it as a buffer.

Moreover, the essay is written well, and the good points that I liked about it is the construction of the essay, the flow is right, the idea is following a certain sequence and the grammar is also acceptable.

I hope this is useful in your revision.

Writing Feedback / Help in trouble, warm advice - Extended family statement. Toefl writing [5]

Hi Joseph, as you mentioned this is for TOEFL and its like IELTS, very rigid and quiet tough to beat, however, with determination, perseverance and constant practice, you will be able to come up with a well written if not the best essay.

One thing that I always advice the students and English practitioners alike is to be able to consistent when it comes to practicing and exercising the English language, this is an easy way to be confident in your writing and more importantly be confident about yourself.

Going back to your essay, kindly find the remarks I made for the first 2 paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- RegardingIn line with this,
- than it was in the past( this is not necessary as we have established the manner of time that the event has taken place ) .
- it was in the past( having stated "it was", this already denotes the past )

- their people when
- as uncle and aunt areis very
- intimateclose ( "intimate" is for lovers ) relationship
- whothat I have to stay
- with them foras I was studying in America.
- But, I could stayed with my uncle
- So they let me stay in their house for 3 yearswith them ( try to avoid redundant information ) .
- They helped me to adapt to the new
- about the country's culture,
- than it was in the pastbefore .

There you have it Joseph, I hope the corrections I made are critical enough for you to be able to see that there is still a lot of work to do and you are doing a good job in following through.

Writing Feedback / The alteration of America's Appearance in 1948 and 2010 [6]

Hi Nela, I would like to help in enhancing your analysis.

- The appearances alteration of America
- in 1948 and 2010 areis illustrated
- by (in) in the diagram.
- the main factinformation that stands

- changes that happened
- in both business sector and transportation
- sector in whole parts of thethe entire city,
- showedshown by a
- whereas six houses and a park
- belonged tostood in the past 62 years.
- AtIn the west part
- of this construction caused the demolition ofwas a demolished local supermarket.
- southern most part of the city

There you have it Nela, I hope the corrections are useful. What I noticed in this analysis is that it somehow lack some information, however, this will suffice, the analysis is written in a manner that the reader is able to grasp the information that is depicted in the illustration.

Scholarship / What does being Hispanic mean to you? Scholarship essays geared for Hispanic students. [3]

Hi Juan, I have written additional corrections below, I hope it helps;

- humbleness and interconnectednesshumble self and my connections towith the place I came from,
- While growing upHowever, in the U.S.,

- life, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) sometimes - some from very nothing.
- It is why I choose not to never forget my roots;
- connected withto my country,
- because I too came from very nothing.

- HereI n the U.S.,
- I have met people who
- I long for it here every day.

- my interconnectednessconnection ( I suggest this word over the original one as it seemed a little off for the entire essay as well as its purpose) with my home country,

I hope this is a worthy effort.

Undergraduate / Physics, engineering and women. Describe your career goals and the level of their implementation [4]

Hi Sara, first of all, I hope that this is just an introduction to your essay as this is very short to respond to the prompt. Speaking of the prompt, it asks for important information about your career goals and how you would implement them, meaning what are the actions you will take in order to reach those goals.

Now, I must say that this part of the essay is off to a good start, just a little bit of modification and this will serve a good introduction.

- and admirelet alone accomplish .
- I have took this as antaken advantage
- of this advancement to prove society wrong.
- I entered many courses involvingwith these majors. - to achieveacquire knowledge
- and sharing these acquired knowledge
- to other people.

There you have it Sara, I really hope that this is just an introduction as it serves its purpose if it is.

Writing Feedback / Apparent differences between populations in Yemen and Italy - IELTS Task 1 [2]

Hi Dwi, I see that you have a few remarks on your essay already and I wish to add a little more, kindly find my corrections below;

- The pie charts illustrate the percentages of
- Yemen and Italy's population
- categorized based on the ages in 2000
- in all period of time

- Turning to a more detailed analysis,
- In contrastOn the contrary ,
- the percentages of old
- least of the population of this country.

Dwi, I suggest when you rewrite your essay, use the symbol of the percentage (%) when referring to the numbers from the pie chart. This will help formalize your analysis and will also draw a uniform format on your essay. I hope this is useful.

Scholarship / "Coming into a new culture and my love of math" QuestBridge Biographical Essay [3]

Mai, as much as I loved reading your essay it seemed to me that it has a lot of sentences and information that are not necessary to the essay. I say this because, as much as the essay is looking forward to your academic success, the journey, the challenges you faced and all there is to know about the process you've been through, it does not mean that you have to elaborately write them in full detail, grade by grade, a good summary of every stage such as primary, secondary and the next will suffice the needed information the essay wanted to add and to read in your writing.

Moreover, it will also not help that you are lacking self confidence in what you will become and in the dreams and aspirations you have. Don't forget that what you have written is a representation of yourself, so be confident, as what they say, put your best foot forward and you will the rewards of your good work.

Now, when you do the revision, focus on the positive input on your essay, a good summary of your academic journey as well as your future academic success.

I hope to see the revision very soon.

Graduate / SOP for MSc Mechanical Engineering - Swiss University - academic background and career strategy [4]

Hi Tommaso, I sincerely apologize for the remark on the number of words in your essay, it just seemed too long as I was reading it. Now, as the SoP states that you focus on the academic background and career strategy then go ahead and do so, remember that the prompt is your guide in coming up with a well written SoP.

While you're doing the revision, mind the following;

- the focus or the idea of the essay, as it is an SoP then it should be an SoP and not a narrative of your academic history

- once you have established the subject, you can already replace them with "it" or "the", this way you don't have to be redundant and the essay will have a smooth flow.

Lastly, write with the sound mind that this SoP is your ticket to MSC and you will get the admission you deserve and has passion for.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of citizen access to recent technology in Britain throughout eight years. [3]

Hi Wahyu, as I move along with your essay, what I notice first is the title of the analysis, most of the students will start with the analysis and this is fine but of course a title will complete the analysis.

- in Great Britain throughoutduring a period of eight years.

- As regardsit is regarded ,

- Furthermore ,

I believe the analysis you made was done in a manner that it will be followed and understood by the reader. It is written simple and the data is explained in an accurate manner.

Overall, it is a good analysis of the given graph and I hope the corrections I made helped a little. For future reference though, when writing an analysis, keep it to a minimum number of paragraph, I say 3 in this case in particular, as well as keep the numbers in a uniform format, this way you will be able to picture a formal analysis suited for it's purpose.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, its is quite common for young people to have a break year before going university. IELTS2 [4]

2nd paragraph

- Firstly ,having a gap year is an
- who wantare seeking
- theirfor aspiration
- to foundfind ( as your sentence is in a futuristic timeframe, use the present tense) their interest
- whichthat gives young adult
- getting clear ideas in their laterlife.
- decide that having a
- job to accommodationaccommodate working - they would makeneed to exert more effort
- to enhace theirselfget themselves ready for the world .

3rd paragraph

- may never returning to their studies.
- if the y do not have a futher their education.
- the societiessociety is becoming
- However,sometimes the academic
- performance is not athe only factor
- to judge someone's talent or abailiues.( what do you mean by "abailiues" ?)

Hi Hsieh, as you can see I made a few corrections in your essay, what I notice is that the form of the words you use does not fit in the sentences for the essay.

I hope this helped enhance your essay.

Scholarship / 'member of Sudanese-Korean Friendship association' Writing KGSP graduate Letter of Self-introduction [5]

HI Tassa, I feel good reading your feedback and believe it or not, there's no other thing that makes me happy than reading you feedback, saying that we were able to help and guide you in this journey as well be able to paint a new chapter in your life. I just want to share that, I never thought I would be able to be a contributor here in EF, however, I dreamed and I believed that one day, I will be able to help and help is what my heart desires. Then, a few years past and look at me now, I'm able to write and critic your work. What I'm saying is, dream, believe and put your heart in your work, nobody will do what you want to become in life but you, as what my Chinese friends say, if you want to be rich, work for the money, money will never work for you, if you want to help, help with your heart and with the utmost passion towards helping others and do not expect anything in return.

Tassa, as we grow older, technology is going to be more advanced, therefore, our dreams and aspirations should be too. Dream for greater good and for the welfare of not only yourself but of others too.

Going back to your essay, when doing the revision, mind the suggestion that was given to you, this will help you enhance your essay and guide you in creating a better letter.

Writing Feedback / Better to be a home student using a computer or study in the traditional way - attending schools? [2]

Hi Nguyen, I can see that you have been given quiet a strong remark here from Dara Chan, I just want to add that there is a lot of work to be done in your essay, I believe that this is due to the fact that English is not your mother language, well in fact, this is also true to native English speakers but may be not to some degree. One thing that can help you write better is practice, review the grammar rules, the verb usage and how to structure your paragraphs in a way that they run smoothly through out the essay.

Now, when I mean better writing, of course this means a lot of work, practice, drafts and what not, but this will help you come up with a good article. I'm not saying that this essay is poorly written, it's just that it did not transpire very well with the idea that the essay is asking you to write.

Please find the remarks below so you can follow through when doing your revision;

- can choose studyingto study at home
- is a wise option
- than attending traditional schools, ( don't forget your punctuation marks ) arouses
- enormous the issue vary greatlyawareness amongst students .
- on both sides of such a view( "arguments" refer to two opposing parties views, so you don't have to state the obvious ) need to be examined carefully.

I hope this helped Nguyen.

Graduate / SOP for MSc Mechanical Engineering - Swiss University - academic background and career strategy [4]

Hi Tommaso, I have read a few paragraphs of your essay and stopped, the reason being, its too long and a lot of unnecessary information is included in the essay.

I say this not to mean that your essay is not good but, I just want you to realize that some of this information about you may be needed in other succeeding essays in the future or following this SoP.

Now, speaking SoP, a general one should be about 1500 words and a little over but not this long, don't get me wrong the essay is elaborately written, which is good, however, I suggest that you revise the essay in a way that you get into the core and focus on the purpose of your essay. Having said that, a statement of purpose is meant to answer, Why do you choose to pursue Mechanical Engineering?, the essay should linger in this prompt and stay focused in this prompt.

I hope my insights helped and should you need further assistance, do let us know, we are here for you.

Writing Feedback / "Aloha!" your on this island ! ( I want help about the Descriptive essay about Hawaii. ) [3]

Hi, as I see that the first 3 paragraphs are corrected, I would like to help out on the 4th paragraph.

4th paragraph.

- YouAs you walk in
- H awaii ( don't forget to write the first letter of the country name in capital letter ) you will
- experience many sensations will be immortalize
- especially the taste of the foods .
- F or example
- you can see dance ofthe Hawaiian dance, The Art of Hula When words fail,
- you will really enjoy watching it.
- likeand you can create
- Likesuch as a watercolor painting,
- Aboard an ocean vessel,
- feel the calm ocean
- breezes against your back, a nd also

There you have it, as you can see, there are still a lot of work to be done in your essay, a lot of practice and what will help is a little reading and review on the English language rules, I see that the missing link are linking verbs, this makes the sentence complete and this is where the work has to be done.

Scholarship / 'member of Sudanese-Korean Friendship association' Writing KGSP graduate Letter of Self-introduction [5]

Hi Tassa, I have read your essay, particularly the introduction that you said you need help with and I came up with a conclusion that it is not badly written at all.

It is actually not the usual introduction, it has a different approach, in a very positive way, I would not want it to be changed or augmented. Moreover, it has a certain character that tells the reader, yes, you may be an amateur writer but this is the essence of writing an essay, to seek help in order to be good at it and in this case, to seek further knowledge by taking a leap towards the KGSP program.

Instead of focusing on the introduction, I suggest that you look at your essay in a more concrete way, this will give justification to your work and provide you the overall outcome of what you created.

Tassa, I do wish you get in the program and fulfill your dreams, the program is also a great addition to your academic journey and to yourself as a person, before submission, read your essay out loud and be very critical in reviewing you own work.

Scholarship / Immigration from Nepal to the United States ~ Questbridge scholarship bio essay [4]

HI Kaustuvi, I must say the essay is well written, what I loved about it is, I'm like reading your biography in a summarized way. You didn't loose your reader in a boring life story, the details you stated, the elaboration and the sequence of the story is apt to the manner that the reader can follow through. For some reason though, I still find a few information that are somehow not necessary such as the lost of jobs and financial issues, but nevertheless, this are information that is vital in your essay and more importantly in answering the prompt.

For future reference, however, I suggest that when you write, do a quick draft, prioritize information that is necessary to the essay, this way you will be able to see which details should be included in the essay and which ones are not.

Overall, it's a well written essay and I hope to see more of your articles here on EF.