Writing Feedback / Leaf Economic Traits Vary with Stand Age in Cunninghamia lanceolata [2]

jinli, your abstract is a detailed presentation of the research that you did. However, the thesis statement and result of the experimentation should have also be presented in the abstract. Without it, all your abstract contains is the research method and results of the research, which is not a complete abstract. The abstract is a summarized presentation of the detailed research paper. It should not merely contain the results of the experiments and / or research, but it should also summarize the foundation of the the research, method of research, and imply the end results of the research. I found this abstract engaging but somehow, it felt like you were starting in the middle of the presentation rather than at the beginning and then it suddenly stopped. There was no ending to your presentation. Additional information at the beginning and at the end are required. Maybe you can explain why this research is important in one sentence then present a method of use for these research results at the end of the abstract. That should help to complete the content of the abstract.

Writing Feedback / Mars is the focus of scientists' attention and this money could be spent better [2]

Khushoo, I will not be scoring you on this IELTS test because the writing that you did in this section does not adequately represent the standard content of the CBEST essay writing sections. As you know, there are 2 essay writing sections, one is a situational analysis and the other, is a personal experience narrative. What you wrote in this essay does not represent either of the essay requirements of the CBEST. It would be unfair of me to review, analyze, and judge you based on a topic that will never show up in the actual CBEST test. You can use sites like fullexams.com to get a wide array of past CBEST essay prompts for your use during your review period. Focus on the analytical part because that is where your problem is. Don't focus so much on the personal narrative because that is your strong suit. The analytical portion requires you to be familiar with various current and past events which are post historic and / or popular in presentation. Try to brush up on your current events just in case something from the recent news events turns out to be the analytical situation prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Some people think art is an essential subject while others think it's a waste of time [3]

Fitri, the main problems that you are facing in this essay are a lack of proper presentation and discussion development in the opening paraphrase, personal opinion, and closing summary. These are the reasons why you essay was rendered weak, lacking in information, and would, in an overall context, struggle to gain good scores in all 4 scoring criteria.

If you examine the opening statement that you wrote, you will note that is is a 2 sentence-run on. This runs counter to the minimum 3 sentence requirement for all the paragraphs. In order to gain an acceptable scoring consideration, write 3 sentences, for full scoring consideration, write 5 sentences per paragraph. In this instance, you should have divided the opening statement into 3 parts namely;

1. Topic for discussion
2. Reason for discussion
3. Discussion instruction

It should have looked something like this:

There is a question these days as to the importance of Art as a school subject. While one educational sector believes this is an essential part of academic learning, the other educators believe that the time spent learning arts can be used on more useful subjects. In consideration of both discussions, this essay will examine each point of view. After which, I will be presenting my personal discussion regarding the topic.

You must expand your presentation as best as you can so that you can accurately display your written communication abilities. The examiner will be looking for evidence of English comprehension skills, strong vocabulary, and a clear discussion outline. That is what my sample opening statement represents. That is what you should aim for in your own presentation.

In your second paragraph, you should be using present tenses in the presentation it is an ongoing discussion. Therefore, you should have said "... those who support art BELIEVE that art will play... Remember, you have to review what you have written before you submit the test for a score. Make sure to read each sentence and try to understand it. If you feel confused about a sentence, as this example shows, then you must rewrite it until you understand it. After all, if you cannot understand what you wrote, that is a sure indicator the examiner won't understand it either.

By the way the term is "other subjects" not "others subject". Be careful of those tricky plural presentations. Again, the present tense problem in the paragraph is strongly evident in the paragraph. You have to review your tense usage rules. These essays are normally written in present tense while the task 1 essays are always written in past tense.

I am not sure if we were told this by your tutor but the personal opinion is the most important part of this essay because your opinion will be supporting a particular point of view in the essay. The purpose of presenting the writer's opinion is to persuade the examiner that the second point of view and your supporting statement is the right opinion to accept in this essay.

There are no right or wrong answers in these types of essays. However, being able to persuade a reader to your side will indicate that you have a strong command of the English language. Strong enough to make you confident to declare a personal point of view in a matter of fact manner in the essay. So it has to be a full 5 sentences, if possible.

Your concluding paragraph should have reminded the reader about the 2 points of view before you present your personal opinion. That paragraph in this essay can be made stronger if approached in a complete manner. The closing paragraph you wrote has potential. It just requires development.

Undergraduate / These are the reasons why I am willing to go to Japan (Cover letter) [3]

Hieu, in an application letter, you never brag about your credentials as being something that will get you the scholarship. You never mention that. Instead, you enlighten the reader as to the reasons why you would make a good candidate. Don't toot your own horn. What you think are a series of applicable credentials, may not be applicable at all in the point of view of the reviewer.

This letter is weak because it is a one sided discussion. You are so focused on what you can get out of the cultural exchange trip that you have neglected to discuss what unique character or perspective you can bring to the program that will make it an unforgettable experience for the other participants. Beyond the tourist attractions, what is it about Japan's culture that attracts you to the program? Beyond the known politeness of the Japanese, what else do you want to learn about them? As a Vietnamese in Japan, what would you introduce to your Japanese counterparts about your own culture and traditions? What sets Vietnamese culture apart from others that would make it a notable part of this cultural exchange program if you are accepted? Where are the similarities between Japan and Vietnam? Why would the differences between the two cultures be something that would result in a learning and understanding experience on both ends? These sorts of questions are what will create a strong impression upon the reader.

About your blogging, unless you are a travel blogger, or you plan to start a new blog about your experiences in Japan, the mention of that is weak, insufficient, and irrelevant.

Writing Feedback / Some children are born with certain talents, however others claim that skills can be taught [3]

Fitri, with regards to the opening statement, this is used to judge your ability to restate the given prompt. The reviewer is looking for your degree of English understanding skills at this point which is why the first paragraph is called the paraphrase paragraph. You actually addressed the topic paraphrase very well. However, you mistook "gifted" and "talented" as two words with different meanings. They are not. A synonym of "gifted" is "talented" and vice versa. So you do not really differentiate between inborn and developed talents, which is what the reasoning sentence implies. In the discussion instruction, you made another mistake because you did not accurately paraphrase the directions for essay writing. Let me show you the original, your version, and the correct instruction paraphrase below:

Original Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Your Instruction: Both of them have their own strength which will be addressed in this essay.
Correct Paraphrase: This essay will present discussions regarding both points of view along with my personal insight.

Another error of your essay is a very common mistake that most review beginners make. There is a tendency for you to discuss your personal opinion as the closing statement. Since the last paragraph is known as a concluding summary, it must do exactly that. Summarize the prompt for discussion in a different manner than the first, present a shortened list of discussion points, rephrase your personal opinion, then offer a closing sentence to appropriately end the essay. When you discuss your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph, you end up with an open ended essay, which means major points deductions in terms of TA considerations.

You should be presenting a 5 paragraph essay here because the outline requires that. Only the Task 1 essay can pass for full scoring consideration with only 4 paragraphs. If you do not present a complete 3 body paragraph, you will not be able to strongly discuss this essay. The paragraphs should be discussed as follows:

Par. 1 - Paraphrasing
Par. 2 - First point of view discussion (the side you do not support)
Par. 3 - Second point of view (the side you support)
Par. 4 - Your point of view that integrates support of the previous paragraph (the side you support)
Par. 5 - Concluding summary

You must avoid quoting research, clubs, and groups because you will not have the ability to research during the actual test. The examiner does consider giving a higher score for personal knowledge and experiences. That is why I tell my students to rely on their personal background, friendships, and family or community relationships when using supporting evidence for their discussions. If the student truly does not have any of the aforementioned facts to share in the essay, then, I tell them, use popular knowledge or publicly known information. That way you don't need to worry about having to quote the source in the essay. Common sense in the discussion scores more than anything else you can present in terms of professionally cited information. The examiner considers the writer familiar with the topic when personal information and insight are included in the essay discussion presented. Which is why they tend to score the essay in a higher manner when considering the TA and C&C section of the essay.

Graduate / Applying for Korean Government Graduate Scholarship: A Meaningful Impact On East Asian Societies. [2]

ANGEL, the last part of your essay in relation to your interest and desire to study in Korea is appropriate. You can save that for use in the revised essay that you will be writing. When you write your revised essay, you need to make sure that you discuss the proper information in each section that is provided by the prompt. Let me break the necessary information down for you in an outline form. That way you will know how to precisely revise the first part of this essay. Here we go!

Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
- Course of life refers to your family background. Who are your parents? What makes them special? What kind of family do you come from? How have your family members supported your dreams and ambitions?

- Based on your relationship with your family, how did they influence your outlook in life? What part of how you live your life would you consider as having been heavily influenced by your family? Which of your parents do you think you are more alike in terms of dreams and ambitions and why?

- For the study background, focus more on presenting your accomplishments in high school and college. Remember, this is a highly competitive scholarship so only the students who can prove that they can academically keep up will be considered for acceptance. The more awards and recognition you received in high school and college, the better your application will be in terms of comparison with other applicants.

- Hopes and wishes refer to your future plans. You may discuss where you are personally and professionally at the moment and then indicate how this Korean educational experience might be able to help you achieve more of your ambitions in life (hopes and wishes).

It appears to me that you have a highly complex academic background but you do not have much , or anything to present in the essay with regards to your professional background. Why is that? As a masters degree student, there needs to be a professional reference to the importance of this study line to your professional ambitions or experiences. I do not see any reference to that at the moment. This will result in a very weak essay and may lessen its consideration factor because you will be skipping one whole prompt in the presentation of your information. You must include a professional background in this essay. There are no exceptions, no if's or but's about it.

Writing Feedback / Do you think eating together is important to people in your country? [5]

Dong, What is the complete prompt for this prompt? Along with that, what particular English test are you preparing for? The reason I ask is because I do not get any sense of the original prompt in your first paragraph. What is the discussion topic? Why is this an important discussion? What are you being directed to discuss in this essay? I don't have a clue as to whether or not you are discussing the essay in the expected manner because you forgot to include the original prompt in the posting. The fact that your essay contains serious grammatical flaws that really cause undue stress on the reader makes it even more difficult to get through a first reading of your essay. You are using descriptive words without consideration of conjunctions and subject-verb agreements. As such, this essay will not get a passing score regardless of whether it is for a TOEFL or IELTS test. In order to improve your work, you need to familiarize yourself with basic English sentence structures. Start by reading English comic books. Those reading materials have writers who use basic to intermediate English sentence structures and vocabulary that can definitely help you improve your English writing skills.

Undergraduate / This has a value for me: memories, those good or bad [2]

Maude, your response is not accurate. If you had narrated the incident that happened which bonded you to your sister on the night of the your parents divorce. Then spoken of how that relation evolved from that point on then your response would have been on the mark. You need to have shown the reviewer that this relationship with your sister is important to you because from that point on the two of you became the only close family members with bonds that could not be broken. It would have been a true character building moment that would have given the reviewer an insight into the kind of life that you have lived and how it has helped to shape the person you are today. Right now, your essay lacks focus and a true discussion of something you consider important. It would be great if your could revise the essay in a manner that would allow you to really portray a memorable incident that proves to be truly important in relevance to your life.

Undergraduate / "You cannot achieve success without failure." UBC personal profile [2]

Jason, you only responded to the part of the prompt that asks about what you are proud of about yourself. You did not respond to the question about how your family, friends, and / or family members would describe you. That part of the essay should be written from the third person point of view. Expect the need to revise your current response in order to make room for the parts that you did not respond to. You can't turn in this statement without a complete response because that would disqualify your application. For your parents part, you can discuss how they see you as a son and what traits of yours they are proud of. For your friends, discuss how they see you as a person who has their back when they are in need of help. As for the community, a reference to your social or civic activities would best respond to this portion. Try to respond to all parts, don't miss out on any portion because you want to offer a complete character response in the essay.

Essays / Essay on why a scholarship is important to me and what my goals are for and after college!! [3]

This is a very interesting essay to write. It asks you to not simply think of your present, but your future as well. So you should first ask yourself, "Why am I interested in becoming a CRNA?" then next "How will working in this field help me create a professionally fulfilling job that will keep me financially stable and personally fulfilled?" What are your academic expectations? Why do you believe you can excel in this field? Since you plan on becoming a traveling CRNA, you might want to focus your after college plans on say, travelling with Doctors Without Borders or something similar. Based on your academic goals and plans, plus your career goals, you should then think of how much your parents can push towards your tuition fees, if you can manage to scrounge up some money to contribute, what student aid you might apply for, then relate all of those as to how this scholarship can help you and why it is important that you be awarded one. Show off your hardworking and ambitious side. That is what this essay is all about.

Writing Feedback / CBEST ESSAY- Have you face any rejection/defeat ? How did it affect you. [3]

Khushboo, you finally did it! I believe that this type of writing can easily get you a score of 4. The essay is razor focused in its response clarity. You never once wavered or lost sight of the actual instruction for the topic. It was engaging, informative, and every bit a logically arranged essay. You were coherent on all fronts (paragraphs) and you were clearly able to relay the rejection, the effect id had on you, and how you overcame it. This is the type of writing that you need to deliver on exam day, regardless of the topic. Do you think you can do that? I think, based on the remaining days of your before your test, you should practice this razor focus on prompts that are not personal in nature since that seems to be where your weakness lies. I can probably help you strengthen that within the time we have left but I won't make any promises regarding your potential to get a passing score based on the non-personal prompts.

Graduate / Statement of purpose for Masters in Data Sciences at Columbia University [2]

Jayath, this is a personal statement, it is not a Statement of Purpose. You will have to write a totally new essay that is more purposeful in presentation and less introspective in discussion. Before I tell you which information from this essay that you can use, I should first tell you which information not to share because of the harm it will do to your application.

Do not discuss the development of your interest in Data Science from the time you were in high school. Instead, open with an explanation of how you see Data Science becoming an important part of the sales industry within the next 5 years. This will show the reviewer that you have a thorough understanding of what Data Science means and what its future applications might be.

Connect that discussion with your college studies. Explain how your college major helped you develop a foundation in this field. Omit any reference to problems with grades and attendance. Never highlight the negative in a statement of purpose. A strong candidate is a candidate who has not had any problems at school and at work, and who also has a number of academic and / or professional accomplishments to share with the reviewer so that his credentials as a potential graduate student might be considered more seriously over the other applicants.

The college studies should then connect with your professional experience. Without going into the fact that the business failed, discuss how the participation that you had there opened your eyes to big data and its importance. You do not need to lecture the reviewer on the success of LinkedIn as that has no bearing on your application whatsoever.

These information should comprise the reason for your study. Your purpose must come from the enlightenment that you received as you analyzed the purpose of your company and how it was achieved through data collection. Then connect this paragraph with the reason why you chose to study in the U.S. and this university. Be highly specific about the opportunities available to you at the university. Explain how you plan to utilize the study and internship or work opportunities that will become available to you as a student.

It is at this critical junction that you need to outline your 5 year career plan that will include a short stint of no more than 6 months as an employee in America before you return to your home country where you will chase after your remaining 4 and a half year plan for your professional objectives. Remember, you must highlight the fact that you plan to return to your home country as soon as you able to due to patriotic reasons as such starting your business in order to employ the citizens of your country.

Accomplishing your statement of purpose in this clear and insightful manner will allow your statement of purpose to be presented in a competitive manner. It should be considered on the same level as the other applicants due to the focus of your presentation. Best of luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS GT Writing Task 1] Write a letter to your manager to ask for some time off work. [3]

K, you have not properly formatted this letter. The format for an inter-office letter is as follows:

Ms. Jane Simmons
Manager
Piano Academy

Pete
Junior Instructor
Piano Academy

Dear Ms. Simmons,

Your vocabulary is atrocious in this letter. It is so full of mistakes that I do not know where to begin. It will be best if you learn how to differentiate between an office title and the position title in relation to a job description such as:

assistance - assistant
ore = core

If you review the prompt requirements, you will see that you also failed to indicate what you will do upon your return from this time off. That means, you should explain how this certification will help you perform better on the job. One point of reference could be a sharing of your new knowledge, gained during your preparation for the exam, with the other instructors. That way when you say that you will enrich the core of in-house instructors, there will be a root basis for it.

In the closing part, you should place your name first then your position / title directly under it. Not the other way around.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 essay - Do parents play a vital role in success in a person's life? [3]

Phi, since this is the first IELTS Task 2 essay that you have written, I will refrain from scoring your essay because you will not like the score it will be getting. There are a number of format and discussion problems that created a failing scenario for this essay so I would like to address those points in this essay instead so that you will not repeat the mistakes in the future.

For starters, you must be conscious of the fact that all the paragraphs in the essay, from the introduction, the 3 body paragraphs, and the concluding statement, should always be composed of 3-5 sentences each. It cannot be more than that, it cannot be less than that. It also, should not be presented using numerous long sentences, separated by commas because those will be regarded as run-on sentences and will cause the lowering of your C&C and GRA scores.

I would like to call your attention to the opening statement, which is supposed to represent your understanding of the prompt requirements. It should accurately represent your own understanding of the original prompt. It should never discuss the topic instantly because that paragraph is meant for comprehension assessment and not discussion representation. So the proper presentation for your opening paragraph should have been:

The success of an adult person is often attributed to his parents. There is a common belief that the method by which a child is raised by his parents prepares him for a successful future. I agree with this statement for several reasons.

Now, you over discussed your second paragraph because you threw in all of the possible topics for discussion in one paragraph. The correct approach would have been to allow for only 1 topic per paragraph such as :

*1. Topic for the paragraph, supporting reason, example.
*Repeat 2 more times

or the alternative is:
1. Topic for discussion + supporting reason
2. Topic for discussion + supporting resason
3. One illustrative example for both reasons

Then the conclusion. The conclusion should represent the same information as the opening statement. Which means you have to restate the thesis statement, without repeating the same presentation as the start, the summarized discussion points, and a restatement of your opinion based on the presented evidence.

It can be daunting at the start to write these essays but if you review the examples here and learn from the previous advice given, I am sure you will on track in no time. I applaud you for doing your best to replicate the exam center situation. That is a good practice to start and you should continue it throughout your practice tests. I look forward to reading your future improved practice tests.

Writing Feedback / The preparation of food have become easiest task with modern innovative domestic appliances [5]

Khalsa, the prompt that you were provided with is an opinion essay question. Therefore, this is supposed to be a one sided discussion of the point of view that you support in relation to the provided topic. Since you discussed 2 points of view in the essay, you did not follow the original instruction that requires the personal opinion discussion. The mistake you made cost you a severe points deduction in terms of Task Accuracy.

Your paragraph presentations lack coherence and cohesiveness because you are presenting at least 3 topics in one sentence, which means your essay has numerous run-on sentences which means you will lose major points in the C&C and GRA sections. You cannot create complex sentences by stringing together your thoughts. That comes from the word usage and sentence complexity. That does not mean that you should discuss more that one thought in your sentence, that is a mistake most test takers make. You also need to work on your connecting word usage within sentences in order to create coherent presentations. The word "the" is the most important connecting word you can use and you do not use it a few times in the essay where it is necessary.

Your lexical resource will also suffer because of instances where you made a mistake in spelling words. The most significant example being "aploiances" when you meant to spell "appliances".

Having pointed out your mistakes, I can now give you a scoring breakdown for your essay:

TA - 3 - your response is incorrect because yo were being asked whether the ease in food preparation has improved the way people live and you chose to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of the ease of food preparation instead.

C&C - 3 - The sentence presentation is confusing due to the reasons I stated above.

LR - 4 - Refer above for the explanation

GRA - 4 - refer to the combined and inter-connected explanation for the GRA and C&C scoring considerations.

Take note of the observations I made and the corresponding scores I gave the scoring criteria. Make sure to address these error points in your next practice test in order to test yourself for improvement at that point.

Writing Feedback / How color effect companies and people's decisions [3]

Lê, you wrote 300 words for this essay. While that is an admirable feat. It also tells me that you did not use a timer when you wrote this essay because the most number of words that can be written within the allotted time is 200 words at the most. Don't go beyond 200 words or you will lose time for editing and revising your work prior to submission.

Slight problem with what would have otherwise been a great opening statement. Your paraphrasing is a bit off. You presented an actual opinion for discussion in this section when you should have saved that information for the body of paragraphs. You shouldn't have indicated the "numerous assessments" sentence in this instance. What was missing in your opening statement, was a reference to the to how retail companies use color to sell the shopper on something they are offering. So I would have stated this as:

Manufacturers and retail companies have been using colors in order to entice their buyers. In order to sell something, they influence the purchasing decision of the client through the use of colors. Therefore, color is an influencing factor when one is shopping for goods. I agree with this statement. Based on my personal experience and observations, color does have an influencing factor when one is considering a purchase of an item.

The part of the essay that is not required is the paragraph that discusses the opposing point of view. Since this is an opinion essay, only your opinion, the one that you support is important. Since you were not asked to discuss both points of view, the presentation of the opposing idea is unnecessary and not required.

That said, you could have used a stronger closing statement though. It doesn't feel complete with just 2 sentences there. You need at least 3 in order to close with a more impactful statement for the examiner to read.

Grammar, Usage / Great places to be. My choice [3]

tunguyen, since you chose to visit New York City, not just New York, then you should be able to say more about it that just it is a beautiful city. You should be able to mention some specific tourist spots in New York that you look forward to visiting and explaining why. For example, you could visit The Statue of Liberty, Central Park, The World Trade Center, Empire State Building, and, since it is popular at the moment, Trump Towers. By mentioning specific places, you should be able to better explain why New York City is a good place to visit and also, what you hope to experience and learn about the place. By the way, you do not "Come in New York". The correct sentence structure is "Going to New York" or "Visiting New York".

Writing Feedback / Essay about the role of parents and school in children education. [3]

Mien, please provide the original prompt along with your essay response the next time you post an essay for review. That is the only way I can accurately help you in terms of essay responsiveness to the prompt and proper outlining of your responses. I am almost certain that this is not a "controversial" issue that is a "concerning subject of all time". I just can't explain to you where the error is, how it happened, and how it can be corrected because of the missing prompt.

Even without that prompt though, there is no way that this response will pass the test because only have 3 improperly formatted paragraphs presented in an essay that requires 5 paragraph, of 5 sentence each, in its formatting for the presentation of your answer / explanation based on the prompt requirement. I strongly advise you to review the other essays at this forum in order to get an idea as to how and why the proper formatting of the essay response, from the opening paraphrase, body of paragraphs, and the conclusion is of the utmost importance in order for you to get a decent score.

I cannot assist you to a greater extent at this moment because of the missing prompt. Unfortunately I can only give you one free advice per thread so I won't be able to assist you even if you post the prompt now. When you write another practice essay, don't forget to provide the original prompt along with it so that I can better assist you at that time.

Writing Feedback / I took the risk and become an elementary teacher. CBEST- Any risk that you have taken in life! [3]

Kushboo, due the the lengthy narrative that you used before you finally got to the point in the last 2 paragraphs of your essay, your work will not score higher than a 2. The risk should be evident from the very start of your essay. Instead, you wrote a creative writing piece about how you finally chose your college major. That is not the purpose of this essay. The essay is supposed to focus on a specific risk that you have taken in life. While I will admit that you did take a risk by enrolling in a college major that you had absolutely no interest in, the problem is that you did not say that from the very start. So by the time you got to the point, you had gone so far off track at the start that the examiner would have decided that you lost focus on the idea behind the prompt. The fact that you passed the decision making process to your mother and you just went along with it also shows that you used a very simple response to what should have been a complex decision making process. These are the reasons why this essay cannot score higher than a 2 in my opinion.

Graduate / University of Ryerson's data science and analytics program - application essay [3]

Shilpa, let's address the one thing that always, always irritates the reviewer when they start to read an application. That is, quoting your major influence for your chosen field of work or masters degree as having come from a movie reference. Due to the inaccuracies and imaginative depictions of technology in the movies and television, people who work in the field assume that they can recreate the same kind of magic in real life. The reviewers tend to get frustrated by such references due to the inaccuracies that are portrayed in films, which always result in a negative depiction of the real work. That said, the reference to Minority Report and AI will no doubt negatively influence your application. Therefore, it would be best for your application essay if you remove that reference in the opening paragraph.

You reference "the need of the hour". What need is that? What critical need in this field do you hope to address by studying this course? You cannot simply imply a critical need. You must discuss it in terms of your motivation and purpose in this essay. The objective you state needs to be stronger than that generic reference to what the course can help you accomplish. Tell the reviewer what you main objective is. This is not a college essay, accuracy is paramount. So when you say you have an objective, tell the reviewer what it is because he will be comparing the following to the other applicants for admission:

1. Your motivation
2. Your purpose
3. Your objective

These are the most important elements in your essay that will help you make your statement stand out among the others. Don't keep it short, lengthen the explanation. Just make sure to not go over the maximum word count or 700 words if no maximum word count was provided.

Paragraph 4 sounds more like you are lecturing the reviewer. Why are you telling him information he already knows about this field? Explain your short term and long term goals more in terms of your future outlook for this field. You are speaking of technology or abilities that already exist. What will impress the reviewer is your forward thinking ability. What do you want to do in this field in the future that has not been done yet? That is your long term goal. The short term goal, is to lay the foundation that will help you achieve the long term goal.

The first 2 sentences of your last paragraph could have come out of the university website. Change that and the last sentence of this paragraph. The only section you can use the the "I believe" part. Delve deeper into the university research in a field of particular interest to you. State a possible thesis project in relation to an existing research project at the university under a specific professor. Explain how your projects gel and can help increase the results of each other's work. This will be the strongest contribution you can make to the university as a student.

Do yourself a favor and try to develop a strong paragraph that refers to your current employment, how you have used your college degree in performing your tasks, and why you feel that you have hit a wall in this instance. The work experience will help to highlight your potential as a research focused student in the graduate program.

Undergraduate / This is an essay for the Common App, and I have chosen the free topic. Any comments are welcomed. [3]

Bishal, the anecdote at the start wasn't about you, it was about someone else so it did not really help to inform the reader about you in a significant manner about you other than you share a background with that person. Which again, is not really informative because the thing that happened did not happen to you. The quote from De Grasse Tyson is effective. However, the focus on group accomplishments in "The Skeptics" club isn't something that helps your application stand out. You focused too much on the "we" aspect of the club instead of letting the reviewer know what exemplary or noteworthy achievements you made on your own within the club. He is not interested in the accomplishments of the club as a whole but rather, what you notably accomplished as a member of the club. Sharing credit with the other club members doesn't make you stand out, it makes you just one of the followers. Either show that you performed in a manner that gained you an award or recognition or highlith a leadership ability in order to make this part of the essay work for your application. Otherwise you should drop the reference to the club because shared credit is no credit when it comes to college applications. You cannot shine as an applicant if you are always sharing the work with others without a specific and important role assigned to you that will call attention to yourself as an applicant.

Undergraduate / What my strengths and weaknesses are on writing and communication [3]

Jenny, when you respond to strengths and weaknesses prompts, always start off with your weakness so that you can give your essay a strong finish by indicating your strong points. I noticed that you focused on your weak points and used barely a sentence to indicate your strength. Don't do that. Either shorten your weak points to only the major weak point so that you can present a strong point next or present 2 negatives and 2 strengths. Whatever fits the word count. Keep it balanced or strengthen the strong points presentation by presenting more of those. You want to impress the reviewer with your strengths, not dazzle him with your weak points.

With regards to the second prompt, you should explain what makes you believe that this program and its curriculum is exceptional. Don't just use the term without a backup description or explanation. That delivers a generic response that shows an unfamiliarity with the program you are applying for. Why do you feel that this program will best prepare you for your future career? Don't be so vague in your references. Refer to actual instances that make you feel this is the program you should be enrolled in. Add more specific information when you can in relation to your career plans.

Writing Feedback / CBEST ESSAY! CONTRIBUTION OF TECHNOLOGY - POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE ? [3]

Khushboo, what happened? You already scored a 3 with your previous exercise and now you are back to a 2 on the scoring scale. while your discussion was relevant to the prompt and you presented a number of reasons with qualified examples, you did not really develop your discussions in terms of reasoning and your position on the topic. This was the result of trying to overwhelm the examiner with numerous, partially developed responses instead of focusing on say, 3 solid reasons with strong supporting explanations based upon your opinion. It is not the number of examples that count, is the quality of the discussion along with the example. That is why you should have limited your discussion to the examples that could have fully supported and explained your opinion on the topic instead. Word of advice, never say "according to me" in an essay. This shows a lack of English education and grasp of proper sentence development on your part. "According to" implies that you will be presenting information taken from a different source. The source can never be yourself. "According to" implies second hand information, since the information is coming from you, this is not second hand information but rather, a first person point of view. Therefore, the first person pronoun should be used as in "My opinion is that" or "In my opinion" or even "I believe that..." and "Personally..." As first person references to your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Celebrities must have wonderful lives. [3]

Peter, your opening paraphrase is not aligned with the original prompt even though the rest of your discussion is on point. This will result in a tangential discussion and lower your TA score, which means that you will pass this test, but not at an above average score. You will merely pass, that is all. Your prompt would have been more on the mark had you rephrased it as follows:

Popular personalities tend to amass a high degree of disposable income. Such wealth allows them to enjoy the high life. However, it is believed that their material wealth often causes them to live gloomy lives. I tend to agree with this statement. I will be pleased to discuss with you why these types of people tend to pay a high price for public adulation in the following paragraphs.

You may want to rethink using your friends as examples in this type of essay because your friends are not known to the examiner so their connection to the prompt will be lost on the examiner. It would be better to use more public figures such as Hollywood actors or commonly known pop singers and celebrities. Using K-Pop celebrities isn't as effective as the mainstream celebrities because K-Pop is a niche industry whose participants are not as internationally known as you might think.

Since this is an opinion essay, you should be using a sense of ownership of the statements being made throughout the paper, not just in one paragraph. Use the first person pronouns as often as you can in each paragraph to remind the examiner that you are not discussing popular opinion or information but rather, your personal insight on the given topic.

Your concluding paragraph is not an accurate summary of the preceding discussion so this will drag down your TA score. You should not continue discussing the topic in the concluding paragraph. Remember that. It appears that you did that in this instance even though you appropriately repeat your opinion at the end of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / The amount of energy used and manufactured in the United States [2]

Ann, what amazes me is that you were able to write 182 words in this essay and yet, you were not able to follow the proper paragraphing format for a task 1 essay. Sure you produced 4 paragraphs for the essay, but that doesn't assure you of a potentially high score because you disregarded the sentence and paragraph requirements for the IELTS Task 1 test. Remember, each paragraph, in order to gain maximum scoring consideration, must be composed of 3-5 sentences per paragraph. You have written only 2 sentences per paragraph, which tells the reviewer that your essay is nothing more than a series of run-on sentences. Additionally, you do not create a series of simple and complex sentences in the process. It is only by writing more sentences, not more words, that you accomplish the all too important C&C and GRA considerations for a higher score in the end. Due to the lack of the graph, I cannot assist you with advice regarding the content of the essay. What I can tell you, is that your opening sentence is missing the discussion instruction as well as the measurement type indicated in the graph. If you review your current essay, you will see that is most likely contains all the required information but lacks in comparison statements. You should divide your run-on sentences into short or mid-length sentences in order to create the complex sentence requirements of the scoring system.

Writing Feedback / Ieles Task-1 The chart below shows the places visited by different people living in Australia. [3]

Jon, this essay will receive an immediate failing score because it does not meet the minimum word requirement. You wrote only 144 words when the required number is at least 150. You could score well enough by presenting 200 words in 4 paragraphs though. That said, you already know that this essay is not going to pass the test. However, I can still assist you in better developing your paragraphs so that you can meet the minimum word requirement.

While the summary overview of the essay can actually be placed anywhere within the essay, you are not required to use it as an opening paragraph. However, I have found that by placing the summary at the top, as the opening paragraph, you create a better chance of responding to the TA portion of the test. In the opening summary, mention the following:

1. The topic presented for discussion
2. Type of illustration and measurement involved
3. Location
4. Discussion instruction
5. Trending statement

For this analysis, the presentation could have been:

A bar chart has been provided that collates the places that various residents in Australia frequent. The chart is is divided into people born in Australia, new immigrants born in English speaking countries, and new immigrants born in other countries. The percentage is measured for the following locations: zoo, library, theater, and cinema. Aside from presenting the main features of the chart, I will also be making comparison whenever possible. At the moment, the current trend is that all 3 Australian groups prefer to visit the cinema.

Do you see how a comprehensive presentation of the summary overview brings you closer to the word requirement? Presenting 5 sentences per paragraph will definitely help you achieve that target. Just makes sure that each paragraph represents a specific analysis topic. In this instance, you have 4 areas for comparison purposes so you might even have ended up discussion 5 paragraphs, which would have delivered a tremendously high overall score if you had done so. Trying to develop a completely discussed 4 paragraph essay will also assure you of maximum scoring consideration based on the overall requirements. 4 paragraphs are ideal, 5 paragraphs are almost perfect, depending upon how you present the information.

Scholarship / Live within my means and be honest - NTU Scholarship Essay [2]

Sylvia, you should reverse paragraph 2 and paragraph 1 in terms of presentation in the essay. Paragraph 2 has the value that you hold strongly to so that should kick off the start of the essay. Presenting that first offers the reviewer an interesting hook that just might keep him glued to the essay that you wrote. The second paragraph, delivers the example based upon your actions that the prompt instructions requires. I think that you should create a new opening statement that better suits the expectations of the reviewer. Something along these lines should work best for your purposes:

First paragraph: I value honesty very much, especially to myself. ...I insist to find a way to overcome a certain issue.

Second paragraph: Before Year 12 ...I know the belief I am holding is right.

That's it. These are all the paragraphs that you need in order to accurately respond to the prompt in less than 300 words. The rest of your current presentation are irrelevant to the prompt and do not help to further prove the strength of your honesty. What you can do at this point is develop a new closing statement instead. One that reiterates the reason why you hold strongly to the importance of honesty in yourself and others.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - MS in Data Science University of Minnesota [2]

Srihari, do not use this outline format when you present your essay to the reviewer. It must be in formal essay paragraphing format as that is the acceptable academic presentation for this sort of essay. You have your presentation mixed up at the moment. You should open with your college education first, skipping the information about having lowered grades due to your injury and instead, replacing it with any information regarding your possible academic honors and recognition. You should connect your college education to your college thesis and other published work through a connecting sentence as the thesis discussion and published words must be fully presented in a separate paragraph.

After the thesis statement, you can proceed to transition into your work experience and the problems you faced, you may want to shorten that presentation to only your most notable accomplishments and the problems you encountered on the job. This will allow you to create a proper transition sentence that introduces your motivation and purpose for higher study. At this point, you should begin to introduce the reason you chose to study at this particular university. This is where you should introduce your possible masters thesis topic, focusing on how it can be integrated into the studies of the two professors. By integrating your study with the professor's works, you may be able to prove your quality as a potential graduate student whose collaboration with these professors might provide a breakthrough in the field of your interest.

These should lead to the final discussion of your 5 year career plan and how the university will help you achieve it. Einstein is not necessary in the discussion. However, discussing a solid career plan after you graduate is a must. Right now, you are too vague when it comes to that presentation. It is almost as if there is no actual plan for the 5 years of your profession after you complete the masters degree.

Writing Feedback / Punishment for learn distinction between right and wrong/ at least 250 words [2]

Gina, the lack of original prompt reference in this essay has made it extremely difficult for me to review your essay. Your title does not tell me anything substantial that I can use to review your content. The content, which, at this point, is highly confusing and lacking on all coherence and cohesiveness fronts. This essay is extremely weak in presentation. You show a lack of basic English sentence structure knowledge and you also lack a grasp of simple English vocabulary, which makes the essay even more troublesome to read.

The opening paragraph is not very good because it does not properly explain to the reader what the original discussion topic is, the reason the topic is being discussed, and what the discussion instruction is. The opening statement that you wrote only covers 2 of the required elements for presentation, which makes it incomplete. I am not sure how violence works into this essay but I believe that you were mistaken in using that term. The other form of punishment is "corporal punishment" which includes spanking. That is not exactly considered violent. Your use of the term "violence" makes it seem like there are catastrophic punishments being meted to children. I wish I had the original prompt to compare this discussion toy. I want to know if you are exaggerating your terms or if you are simply not using the correct descriptive terms.

Your closing statement does not follow the proper format for a closing paragraph. It also does not appropriately summarize the discussion you presented. So the concluding statement is not going to help increase your score at this point.

Please remember to present the original prompt along with your essay next time so that you can get a more definitive review and advice for your next essay. For this essay, I can only go this far in terms of advising you due to the missing prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Vegetarians do not need to eat meat to have a healthy diet. Is it a good way for others too? [3]

Can, this is an opinion essay. Therefore, in the thesis statement for your opening paraphrase, you should include your opinion. The way that you presented your essay does not really accomplish this task properly. The correct paraphrase for this prompt is:

There is an ongoing discussion as to whether or not all people should shift to a vegetarian diet. This is based on the information that a carnivorous diet is not necessary in order to eat a health beneficial diet. In my opinion, not everyone should be forced to follow a vegetarian diet just because a particular sector of society believes that vegetarianism has more benefits.

Remember, you are being scored on your paragraph accuracy in terms of content, alignment with the original prompt, and your thesis statement based upon the original discussion instructions. These should be accomplished in no less than 3 sentences. Your opening statement falls short and does not accurately paraphrase the prompt in the process. What I presented above is the most accurate presentation of the original prompt.

Now, since the prompt is asking you to give your opinion, this is supposed to be a one sided discussion. Not a two sided discussion as you presented in your essay. For the one sided discussion of your opinion, you need to have a strong 3 paragraph discussion that indicates one topic sentence per paragraph that is supported by at least 2 reasoning sentences and one example sentence in order to support your point of view.

What you did wrong in this essay is that you provided a 2 sided comparative discussion, which does not equate into a point of view essay. As such, your essay became faulty and will most likely not receive a passing score because you did not offer a proper opinion discussion in the essay. Not once did you use the first person pronoun in this essay that would have proven that this is a personal opinion discussion. It sounds more like a general opinion discussion instead of a personal opinion due to the lack of ownership in your body paragraph statements.

Writing Feedback / Accident at the waterfall. Memorable childhood incident - Exam essay [2]

Hardik, the first question I have to ask is, are you sure you are not speaking of a story from a Hollywood movie? I seem to recall a Hollywood movie, whose title escapes me at the moment, with the same plotline. Please, if you are over dramatizing an event or plagiarizing an event, you need to stop. That will not be good for your application. Reviewers are aware of even the smallest instance of plagiarism based on movie plots because numerous students try to pass off such essays during each application cycle. If you are one of them, then you need to write a more honest and personal experience based essay. Don't risk it, it just isn't worth it.

Now, if by any far fetched chance this is actually an incident that happened to you, without plagiarism involved, then you need to explain why you were asked to go to the waterfall by Richard. Your presence there was not really required and there was no indication that you should have been there in the first place. Next, what happened after you pushed Richard in accidentally? Why did you and Samuel take a vow of silence? How did the incident affect your family? How did your parents try to help you get out of the problem? Why did they fail? What happened to you in jail? How did your incarceration affect your family? How did it affect you physically, mentally, and socially?

There are too many missing elements to make this an informative essay. Aside from parts of your story not adding up as something based on reality. This is why I am suspecting that this is not a true event that happened to you. There are too many holes in your story that exist to the point where the rest of the occurrences in the essay don't make sense unless it was written as a movie plot.

Graduate / Personal History Statement - University of California - Davis - Fall 2018 [3]

Adegoke, the prompt is very clear about the information required for this essay. You are to use only your personal background to qualify your desire to study this particular degree at UC-Davis. You should not make any reference to your academic qualifications as those information are not required by the prompt and will easily be proven by other application essays or documents that you will be submitting along with this essay for review. The focus of the essay should be on your family as a support unit. The family as your role model. The family as your inspiration. The way that your exposure to your father's work motivated your desire to pursue your college major and now, as your masters degree. What sort of influence was your mother in your life? You don't discuss her very much in this essay. Your opening statement should be replaced with something that describes your family relationship or family dynamic more. What you have right now doesn't really relate totally to how your family has developed its close knit relationship through the years. Remove all references to academics in the essay. Work instead on presenting how your relationship with your father, your keen interest in his work, and his support of your desire to pursue this field led you from becoming a college student, to a professional, and now, a masters degree student with specific dreams for your future career. Refocusing the essay will allow you to better meet the word count because you will be able to avoid the irrelevant academic information in the discussion.

Undergraduate / I've got a ticket in my hand. So, I can go anywhere? My choice would be Madagascar. [2]

Markus, surely you can be more adventurous than this. If Madagascar is so special to you then you should be able to mention a few specific adventures that you can embark on when you go there. Be more specific. Mention actual places, the activities done there and how that might challenge an aspect of your character, be it a logical side, an adventurous side, or a social side. Explain how you expect this trip to challenge you and help you improve your personality and abilities by the time you start attending college. Don't be so generic and safe in your explanation. The prompt is asking you to take a risk, be it on paper or screen, it is a chance that you should take. Make it exciting, interactive, eye-opening. Present an adventure of a lifetime that the reviewer will read and say "Wow! This is a one of a kind student I've got applying here. I better remember his application." Right now, that "Wow" factor is too weak in your presentation.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - The lessons we take from obstacles we encounter [3]

Deborah, the way I see it, you have two options with regards to this essay. You either stick with this essay and improve it somehow or, you write a new one that is more accurate and focused on the questions you need to respond to in a mature manner.

The first choice is, you need to shorten the presentation about your 9 year old self and skip directly to your failure to write a proper essay in high school. If you compare your focus on how you learned to tell a story, you will find that you did a better job on that aspect of the essay than you did on the required elements of : How did it affect you, and what did you learn from the experience?

You basically responded to the important questions in a single paragraph. while you spent 3 paragraphs and a one liner on your 9 year old discovery. The problem is that, you are using a childhood story in the essay, which reviewers do not appreciate very much because that shows a shallowness in your life experiences. The shallowness stems from the fact that you have not had a life altering, self learning experience recently that you feel could have better responded to the essay. All reviewers tend to just zip through essays that refer to such early ages and shallow topics. They won't remember it later on because there is nothing remarkable about it.

The second choice is something that I am presenting without being sure of how you will accept the advice so I am telling you now, this is just my opinion for you to consider. While I will not dissuade you from using this story since you seem to have a strong connection to it, I will however, caution you about its effect on the reviewer. It will not be a strong essay. If I were to recommend that you change this essay, I would suggest that you look towards your more recent experiences from high school or within your life (family, friends, social activities, etc.) for the obstacle or failure. Something that you did not feel bad about and discover the mistake you made within the same hour. If you could think of something more character building in terms of failures and obstacles, you should be able to present a more interesting essay to the reviewer. Then again, I am not recommending that you do that if you do not want to. The content of your essay is after all, your decision to make.

Undergraduate / The most important thing to me is being able to spend time with my family. UBC essay [3]

Aaron, using your family as a reference to what is important to you is incomplete. It is not your family that is important to you but rather "time spent with my family". Those are two different topics for discussion. In this instance, you should clarify that you value "time with family" and then explain why. Discuss how and why it has been impossible for the 5 of you to get together for any reason. Then explain how the times that you do spend as a family is extra special because of this. What do you do as a family? How have these limited bonding moments helped to strengthen the relationship of your family? After explaining these things, you can then pick out what to you is the most important factor when spending time with your family and why. Your general statements at the start need to gain a more focused presentation towards the end in order to create a strong and informative statement which the reviewer just might remember.

Book Reports / Lord of the Flies and Macbeth - essay on a comparison between 2 novels [4]

Conor, I'm not sure if you will be able to write an appropriate essay using these 2 characters because they are on opposite ends of the discussion. Piggy is a force of light and good. Lady Macbeth on the other hand, is a dark light with a strong negative influence on people. Perhaps you can discuss the topic in a manner that tries to show how Lady Macbeth was focused on doing what she thought was a good thing for Macbeth and herself. Thinking that is what would be good for the kingdom and everyone concerned. Just as Piggy always influenced Ralph to do good. The parallelism has to come from how the darkness of Lady Macbeth is equivalent to the light of Piggy. It may be difficult to do at first but using the internet, you should be able to come up with parallel scenes from both stories that can help you achieve this level of discussion.

Basically, you have a pretty good outline of possible discussion points. My vote is for you to choose just one topic to discuss in the essay. I have already explained my suggest choice above. Of course, you may have other ideas regarding which focus you would like to use for your paper. However, I think that going for the parallelism between characters will be more challenging to write about.

Writing Feedback / Wanting something and not getting it can be very disappointing - your experiences [3]

Khushboo, this is a better attempt at responding to a CBEST prompt than your first one. I believe that you can score as high as a 3 with this particular essay. It is focused, informative, and generally delivers on all aspects and expectations. However, your essay takes too long to get to the point. A well written essay does not need to rely on long winded backstories such as the one you present in the opening statement. Simply getting to the point will help you get a higher score because the essay will be razor focused on responding to the prompt. You need not waste time building the backstory of your childhood. You should be spending more time on accurately developing your discussion. In this essay, you could have immediately opened with the second paragraph as the first paragraph and you would have scored closer to a 4 with the essay. Focus on improving your word usage. Try to use more complex English words and create more complex sentences. Right now, you are still sticking to simple sentences, intermediate English vocabulary, and losing time on irrelevant content. Focus on the topic for discussion and your presentation. Review, edit, and revise as often as you can before submitting the paper for a grade. Look for potential weak spots and strengthen it. You don't need to write a very long essay. You need to write a properly responsive and accurate depiction of your English skills instead. You are on the right track. You need to make sure that you don't lose focus of the central purpose of the CBEST test when you write the essay. That way, you don't get waylaid by other writing possibilities within the essay.

Undergraduate / UBC Personal Profile. Explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. [3]

Warisha, you should try to avoid duplicating information that you have already stated in a previous response to a prompt. What you did here was merely expand upon that explanation without presenting any new data that would make this activity something of true note to the reviewer. What the reviewer wants to learn about has to do more with the possible accomplishments, trait development, or recognition that you might have received as a participant in this summer camp. As you have just repeated information in an expanded form, this does not really entice the reviewer to learn more about your time as a volunteer camp counselor. Try to think of a time during the summer camp when you accomplished something of note. An activity or participation that you had which made the camp counselor(s) take notice of you and who you are. Did this result in more responsibilities and trust given to you? What did you learn about yourself because of what you did and the result of those actions? Those are the information that will push this essay over the top and actually inform the reviewer about new information regarding your time as a volunteer camp counselor. This essay is asking you what made you stand out during your chosen activity? How did this prepare you for future challenges? Information like that helps to make the essay interesting, relevant, and memorable to the reviewer. This essay is just so-so in presentation, there is nothing memorable about your time as a camp counselor as far as this is concerned. You functioned just line any other counselor at this or some other camp. If it were up to me, I would change the essay to something more juicy, relevant, and memorable.

Graduate / Dominica - Home country benefit (scholarship essay); a career in Food Chain Systems [3]

Lekisha, I am not sure what the prompt for this essay is so I will just assume that you have to write about how your course will benefit your home country. The presentation you have for your cause is good in this essay but could be made stronger if you reposition certain paragraphs in order to create a better focus for your discussion. I my opinion, the essay should be arranged in the following paragraph manner: 2,1,3,5,4,6. This creates a smoother presentation and connects the required information in a more cohesive manner thus allowing the essay to gain more coherency in the final presentation. If the only prompt for this essay is "How will this scholarship help you benefit your home country?" then, your response is appropriate, accurate, and only needs to be rearranged for a stronger presentation.

Undergraduate / Short essay on one page statment about something awsome. [3]

guan, the main problem with this short essay is that you are showing a lack of control over sentence development. You have a problem using the past tense of words as is proven by your wrong use of the tenses in your presentation. You also are not very familiar with the way English words are spelled and the meaning of the word. Starring means to be the main character in a play while staring means to long at something for a long period of time. Don't just use words because you think it is the right word. You need to be sure otherwise you either create a sentence with a meaning different from what you meant to write or you make the sentence lose meaning. The latter being the result of your wrong word usage in this essay.

You have a beginners grasp of English and the same goes for your ability to write sentences in English. While this is not bad, it is also not good. The type of essay presentation you were given required an intermediate level of English skills at the very least. You did not achieve that goal but instead, remained hovering at just slightly above the basic level of usage. It will be better if you practice sentence development using various exercises first. That will help you meet a more advanced English writing level. Along with that, reading more English based materials should also familiarize you with word usage and meanings.