Undergraduate / A NARRATIVE ESSAY BASING ON A PIECE OF MUSIC [3]

Oops! At first I thought that you understood the prompt requirements perfectly. Then I got to the last paragraph of the essay and learned that you listened to the song lyrics instead. So you are just retelling the story based on the song itself. You are not making up a story based on the music alone for this essay. The mistake on your part was you chose a piece of music that already had a story to tell. So you just went ahead and retold it. What the prompt is asking for is an original story that came out of your imagination. I would suggest that you change your approach to this story. Instead of picking a popular song with lyrics, choose an original instrumental composition to listen to instead. Then listen to the music. Close your eyes, write down what you begin to imagine as the music progresses. Imagine the story that can take place, how it would unfold, and how it would end. Choose one of the classics in this instance. One of my favorite instrumentals is Tales From the Vienna Woods. The music unfolds in a setting that can easily be imagined and a story can easily be developed to take place within the musical setting. The notes are both fun and dramatic, and creates a proper sense of climax at certain points in the composition. That is something that you cannot achieve when you listen to modern music that already has lyrics in worked in.

Scholarship / Aviation Scholarship Essay For Female Pilots: What's the best way to stand out? [2]

Madison, I feel like I am starting to read your essay from the middle instead of the beginning. I think that this sense of incompleteness will dissipate if you first, establish the foundation of your dream to become an airline pilot. Where does that come from? Why do you think becoming an airline pilot will make you a positive member of the community. Try to tie in your aspirations and goals to an individual and community setting in order to impress upon the reviewer that you are not just after self aggrandizement in your quest to become an airline pilot.

There is no need to enumerate all of the clubs and associations that you belong to. You must only indicate the clubs and associations that you are a member of where you made a significant contribution either through participation or leadership. Otherwise, the reviewer will not be impressed by you simply being a member of these clubs. Scholarship foundations are normally more receptive to applicants who have shown that they can be upstanding citizens and members of their immediate and academic community. I believe an adjustment in content for that paragraph is in order.

The quotation that you suddenly introduced in the middle of the essay doesn't work with any of the prompt requirements. In my opinion, your essay will do better without it. You can safely remove that without affecting the overall essay because you will be removing the reference to how you were inspired or rattled by your flight instructors anyway.

Your essay does not have any academic achievement or honors indicate. Why is that? If you are only an average student, then you will need to justify your gpa in your application and explain why that is not an accurate reflection of your abilities as a future pilot. Explaining how you were taught and inspired or not inspired by you instructors do not take the place of an explanation regarding your academic achievements or lack thereof. You must specifically discuss that in an appropriate manner in a stand alone paragraph.

Writing Feedback / UK graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work did after leaving college [4]

Due to certain changes in company / forum policy regarding user participation, I can no longer continue to advice you regarding ways of improving your essay writing skills. It seems that you have been in violation of specific rules that have been brought to my attention and as such, prevents me from further participation in your threads. I can no longer assist you based on these new considerations. If the rules change regarding your participation (in particular) in this forum because of newer observations and considerations, only then will I be able to continue working with you on the development of your writing skills. You may contact the forum admin regarding this situation if you wish. They would be in the best position to discuss this situation with you. Forum policies regarding user participation must be strictly observed. Once you begin to follow the requirements and policies of the forum, then I will be able to work with you again. Until you show improvement in that aspect, you cannot expect any further help from me. I was given rules and I must comply with them.

Scholarship / I am still young, energetic, high self-motivated person who is visionary, enjoy studying and working [3]

Martsom, this sounds like you just extended the content of your resume in the presentation. It does not sound like a personal statement at all. It sounds more like a narrative resume. So this is not what you should be submitting for the purposes of your application. A personal statement delves on the foundation of your interest in the pharmacy field. The story of your father would have helped if it did not focus on the health emergency and rather, showed how difficult it was for you to gain access to the medication required for his treatment.

From that point, you can discuss that this health scare is what drove you to become a pharmacist. Explain that you do not want to just sell drugs and fill prescriptions, explain that you wish to be the drug creator for your island. How you feel that because of its isolation, certain health requirements can only be met by the existence of highly trained professionals in this field. That will be the driving or personal reason behind your desire to study this course.

Go on to explain why you chose this particular university. You cannot just say that you are "completely interested in all the modules offered". That is like saying "I like ice cream, any flavor". It doesn't establish the reasons why you feel only this university can help you achieve the improvements that you hope to bring to your island. Explain what attracted you to the curriculum instead. Do not discuss your work related experience yet. That is to be discussed in the SOP. The PS, is only meant to explain the foundation of your interest and why you feel like you will be a good match for your chosen university.

Scholarship / 'I discovered my skills' - My Essay for the LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION - Chevening scholarship [3]

Eso, this is not a usable essay for the leadership prompt. You cannot use the first 2 paragraphs because those all deal with childhood and academic leadership issues, which do not have any connection with your current profession and how you perform leadership and influencing requirements in the workplace. Deleting those 2 paragraphs will already leave you with 2 professional experiences at the end. Sadly, the work description you provide is that of a subordinate / assistant leader, in the first example, and as a member of a team in the next one. As an assistant leader, you showed limited skills in terms of taking charge because you were not really in charge of anything or anyone. You merely followed the instructions you were provided and assisted the newcomers based upon your training and guidebook. There is no sense of leadership development in that aspect because there was nothing to take responsibility for. You were a mere foot soldier in that instance. Then, in the team level, you do not make it clear if your capacity as a quality specialist meant that you were the leader of the team. From what I know of this position, it is not a leadership position in the "team" leader sense of the word. You belong to a different department. It seems to me that you need more guidance as to how to properly develop this essay. I plead with you to read the other examples of more appropriate leadership and influencing essays on this forum. The examples of those before you should help you create a more appropriate response to the prompt.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking Essay: What I get from maintaning a good networking [4]

Aidell, this essay is very good in terms of showing how your network was created and how you nurture it. However, you skim over the portions that can present solid ideas as to how these networks work for you even as you collaborate with the various people you have met and helped in the discharge of your profession. There are numerous networking examples that you can focus on in this essay. However, I would like you develop a specific set of examples, namely:

1. How the director of ALeRT helped you to expand your network. What situations were present that allowed for this unique work opportunity to take place?

2. Explain which network you have that led to your becoming a member of the WWF and how that membership occurred. How has the WWF helped you with your rhino conservation program? As a part of your network, would you say that the WWF has the most potential to help you grow your professional network? Why?

Bear in mind that you have a 500 word limit on the essay so you don't really need too many examples here. However, if you can add one more example of networking, your essay could be made stronger. Specially if that network is based on a locally based organization that helps the wildlife as that shows that your country is also involved in wildlife conservation. There is a little lack of that representation in the essay. How you handle the examples presentation is up to you. You can go with 2 or more.

Your explanation as to why this network is important is very weak. You need a stronger justification that ties in directly with the Chevening wildlife program (if there is) and how their scholars from this field access and be enhanced by your existing network. At the moment, you are not really making a strong case for that topic.

Undergraduate / As a Texas A&M student I'll have the chance to achieve the goals that I set for myself. [4]

Joey, I am not sure about what sort of essay you are supposed to be writing. You did not provide the prompt requirement for the development of the essay so I am not really sure if this is the way to go. It would appear to the reviewer that your father is the applicant for the student slot and you are writing a recommendation for him based on his skills, abilities, other considerations. I learned very little about who you are and why there is such a heavy focus on your father in this essay. If your father is not the applicant, then he should not be the sole focus of the presentation. Perhaps if I knew what the prompt you are responding to is, I would be able to better direct your essay towards a less father-centric, but still with mentions of your father, in your revised essay. As of now, this is not a good essay. It is confused because it sounds like your father has all the abilities that the student requires and you do not have any of your own solid foundation in relation to your course of interest.

Graduate / DPT Professionalism 2017 personal essay draft [7]

You should remove the second paragraph because that is more of a personal backgrounder on your part rather than a discussion of professionalism. paragraph about shadowing John, the more I read about it, seems to stick out like a sore thumb because it removes the focus of the discussion from you and your definition of professionalism. It instead, focuses the essay on the workings of a PT and how he does his job which, although related to professionalism, isn't what the prompt is asking for. If you just remove that reference and focus on your definition of professionalism instead, based on the remaining paragraphs, the essay should be better off. It will become more interconnected, focus on your point of view, and deliver the definition and discussion that the prompt requires. You don't need justifying examples in this essay because when you present examples, you tend to remove the focus from the original discussion. In order to stay on point, avoid using examples in your essay.

Scholarship / My long-term goals are based on the experience I am looking forward to gain - Chevening [5]

You need to work on developing your project plan that will coordinate in efforts witht he DFID. While this is only a potential project and may or may not materialize, you have to present a solid plan that explains who you plan to get into the front door with DFID. What sort of preliminary collaborative actions can you take you become a part of the organization so that you can eventually share your bigger plans with them? After that, give an idea as to what sort of "big" plan you will be developing that the DFID can, as far are concerned, will be interested in supporting / funding. Overall the essay has developed into a good second incarnation. You fully understood what I expected you to correct when I said "furtherrmore" was a redundancy. Your change made the 2 connected sentences more involved and engaging to read. Save for the UK project that needs an expanded discussion, the essay has come along very well for you. Once you improve on the UK discussion, this should be all set to submit.

Scholarship / Leadership & Influence essay for Chevening - decision making in tough circumstances [5]

I have as different opinion of the essay that you wrote. I find that it is perfect for the presentation of leadership and influencing skills because it shows your leadership on 2 levels. The first level, is that of a team member who rose to a leadership challenge. The second, is that you led the team to victory with seemingly insurmountable odds as represented by the higher authority that you reported to. As for the influencing, the fact that you managed to convince the team to stand by the law and review the case so that you could strengthen the presentation was excellent influencing work. You don't have to go into the nitty gritty details of both leadership and influencing due to the 500 word limit. You have shown a strong team leadership style in this essay. It is exactly the kind of leadership and influencing essay that just might catch the reviewer's attention. This is one instance when the collective reference to "we" in terms of presentation was more than appropriate since you established early on that you were the de-facto leader of the team. You basically represented the collective voice of the team as its 'accidental" leader. Good work. This essay is ready to represent your leadership and influencing skills on a notable level.

Scholarship / Examples of networking skills in my career so far [3]

Hidayah, in paragraph 2 separate the story about your father and the way that your network was able to help him during his time of medical need. Extend the scenario to indicate what kind of favor you requested of the physician and how, because of your network, the physician was able to make it happen. Also, a grammatical correction must be made. In the last sentence you can simply say "re-admit him" as "re-admit him back" is a redundancy. Since you are a member of a national committee, you should highlight that network by emphasizing how the Chevening scholars who are renal pharmacists will benefit from your national network. That is a highlight that should not be discussed in such a short manner. What kind of problems has this network been able to help you resolve? Give an example. Overall, this is much better than your first version, but it still needs some work.

Scholarship / I will spare no effort to enrich my networking, experience and knowledge to serve my community [12]

This is absolutely not a networking essay because it is within your company. The training does not qualify as networking because it was conducted by your company's training center. There is no interaction with other professionals in a related field representing different companies and connected business lines, there is no reference to people met at seminars or corporate training events that indicate an exchange of knowledge between non-company related professionals, and there is no representation of how a clear cut network beyond your company reach has helped you to improve your skills or job management styles. There is nothing referenced here that can prove that you have a network worthy of Chevening consideration. Why haven't you reviewed the sample networking essays on this website to use a template? Look at how their networking representations were developed and emulate it. Networking, as referred to in this essay is not focused in-house, it has to be external in development but internal in application.

Writing Feedback / Boarding school is an excellent paradigm for children to comprehensively develop [5]

Linh, you need to practice how to paraphrase the original prompts. The one that you created for this essay is not really accurate and shows sentence structure errors. Compare your paraphrase with mine:

Some parents believe that boarding schools have major benefits for their children. Others believe that there are some specific considerations that make boarding schools a bad idea for their children. This essay will discuss the pros and cons of boarding schools and present an opinion at the end.

Now, refer back to the properly worded prompt from the original (as your version of the original prompt is obviously faulty, incomplete, and not the original prompt presentation either) and then read what you wrote, then what I wrote. You should see which version is a more accurate paraphrase of the original. Don't worry, you should get better at it with practice.

Your reasoning is sound for both points of view and you have drawn an acceptable conclusion to the presentation. However, you wrote only one long sentence for your conclusion instead of the more score considerate 3-5 sentence presentation. You need to write more sentence in order to allow yourself the opportunity to prove your LR and GRA abilities for higher scoring consideration.

One overall observation, you have a tendency to write run-on sentences. This will result in a sentence that doesn't make sense to the reader because he is not given an opportunity to remember, consider, and understand what has been written. This will result in a low GRA score for you. Always split up your sentences into topic and discussion sentences. Keep it short but informative in order to create more simple and complex sentence representations in your essay. You will score better in that instance.

Scholarship / The concept of leadership was first instilled in me during my undergraduate studies. [3]

Leophil, it would be best if you simply condense the meaning of leadership and influencing to you in the opening paragraph. There is no need to delve into the details of your undergraduate studies and how you learned how to lead there because the assumption in this case, is that you already know how to lead and influence people. Hence the focus on leadership and influencing skills in Chevening's search for future leaders in the countries they are sponsoring scholars for. You need to be existing in a leadership role within management in an office setting. Not an academic setting. While future leaders are trained in college, actual leaders are honed, polished, and created within the profession. Unfortunately, your work set up is mostly based on paper work and you do not have much interaction with other office staff it seems. Maybe we can find an appropriate leadership role for you within your dealings with the problem banks? Since you do not handle a team of people, I am uncertain as to how you can prove your leadership skills. Your explanation of standing up to a higher boss with regards to an appropriate supervision strategy might work in this instance. I can't be sure because you decided to summarize that part instead of focus on it. Try to revise the essay to concentrate on the supervisory strategy situation instead. It seems that is the best bet for you to highlight your leadership and influencing skills.

Writing Feedback / In the chart the population distribution in age, of Yemen and Italy in 2000 and projections for 2050 [4]

Gang, you seem to have developed an affinity for the word "distill". You are limiting your LR capacity at the moment. I believe this is the second essay where you have decided to use this word. Try to vary it up. Look up other words for distill and check if the meaning of each word can be used as a replacement word in the essays you will be writing. Don't get hung up on one word for all your essays. Even if it sounds good. You need to grow your vocabulary range. Remember that.

Good work on the trending statement. Since the Task 1 essay doesn't require a concluding paragraph, you placed it in the most appropriate place where it can have most effect on your score in terms of TA considerations. The fact that you knew not to go over the maximum word count shows that you are conscious of the scoring parameters as you write the essay. It seems like writing these essay have become almost second nature to you already. I am rightfully impressed.

One thing though, when you mention the year, it is more appropriate to say " in the year 2000" as a reference point. Remember, this is a topic sentence so indicating the year shows what the discussion is all about. Simply saying "In 2000" could mean just about anything in a general statement. It is alright to say "In 2050" because you already established that you are referring to year references in the paragraph.

Overall, your writing is getting smoother and the mistakes are almost negligible. I dare say that you are well prepared to take the test anytime you want and you will be assured of passing it.

Scholarship / Everyone is a leader and an influencer in his live. Chevenig essay about leadership. [5]

Hiwot, you changed the direction of the essay midstream. When you related the problem of your student, you focused solely on him and his actions and the results of what you had him do. Try to reframe that presentation to focus instead on you, why you felt you needed to encourage him, how you influenced him to make a life decision, and how you changed his life by participating in his enlightenment process. Talk about what you did, not what you had the student do and what your purpose was for it. A simple revision of that paragraph will do the trick. Your opening paragraph is too short to make an impact that would reel in the reviewer to continue reading your paper. You should work on developing that presentation further in order to make it more interesting. You could also opt to just delete that portion and open with "As Advisor" and say "As an advisor to 75 full time and 40 part time graduates in my capacity as a university lecturer..." which would make the opening sentence more interesting and informative in a smoother manner.

Graduate / DPT Professionalism 2017 personal essay draft [7]

America, the first two paragraphs are unnecessary in the essay. The first paragraph sounds like you are lecturing the reviewer about professionalism. That is something that you should avoid doing as reviewers are highly trained individuals who know more about the job and what the essay requires than the applicant ever will. So talking down to the reviewer will only irritate the person. Remove that reference.

The paragraph about how you were as a young child is also irrelevant. It does not apply to the adult definition of professionalism. Although the paragraph shows me that you are a good person with a kind heart. Sadly, that is just word filler at this point. The essay should begin and follow through from the point where you discuss the essential qualities a student in the DPT program should have.

Try to focus less on the activities of the practitioner that you shadowed and instead, describe how you learned about professionalism during that time. Make sure to highlight the reasons why you feel that this person embodied professionalism in the practice of PT. Make sure that you emphasize how this person served to be your role model and the ideal of a professional in the workplace whom you plan to emulate.

Graduate / SoP for Aerospace Engineering - General improvements on content and flow [3]

Chris, let's start editing the essay by deleting the unimportant or less than relevant paragraphs. You can safely delete the opening paragraph since that is too elementary in information and presentation. Always start your essay from the strongest and most relevant point of information. In this instance, that is the reference to your degree in mechanical engineering since it ties in with your interest in physics and astrophysics. Remove the reference to your floundering academically at that point. This is a statement of purpose, not a personal statement or an essay justifying your low GPA. I am a bit concerned that you do not have any actual work experience in astrophysics to qualify as a candidate. Simply having studied the related programs and applications does not carry the same weight as say, someone who interned with a professor of astrophysics and actually helped to develop research information that was (perhaps) published. Your background as a teacher doesn't seem to tie in with the requirements of this course and doesn't portray you, as I read the paragraph, as a qualified junior astrophysicist in anyway. An SOP heavily considers the professional experience of the course applicant in the field he is interested in. Your interest, your desire to make contributions, and your long term career goals are right on the mark. It is just the qualifying experience that I am worried about at this point.

Graduate / My interest in Data Science - combine math's, statistics and computer science [4]

Astha, what you wrote qualifies more as a personal statement that describes the development of your interest in Data Science rather than an SOP. A Statement of Purpose should, for all intents and purposes, focus on your college and after college experience as the basis for your interest in further developing your Data Science career.

You can open your revised essay with the second paragraph from this version. It creates an interesting basis for your college education in this field. Describe what your actual college major was and what your thesis project was in relation to the MSc course you are thinking of taking. You can use all of the work experience that you have here in order to build your SOP. However, focus only on the most important ones. The ones that actually had you accomplishing something while you were working there. It isn't all about what you learned there, as an MSc student, you must be able to prove that you have the ability to develop changes that can improve the current Data Science systems.

That is why you will need to focus your discussion eventually, on your current profession and office. What are your work responsibilities? How does Data Science relate to it? What problems do you see or foresee arising in the future. These will be the basis for your current interest in pursuing Data Science studies. Discuss what sort of changes you hope to develop and implement in order to further develop the use of Big Data in relation to Data Science in the future.

Don't forget to present your possible thesis statement for your masters thesis. This will further show the reviewer that you have a clear study path carved out for yourself over one year. If you can include a short to medium term career plan, that would be better. Finally, discuss why you chose a specific university at the end of the essay. Why that university over the others? What do you hope to achieve using specific curriculum, professor interaction, or internship programs at the university? How will this education change your career path for the better?

By revising your essay based upon my suggestions, you should have a more accurate workable draft essay created that aligns itself with the requirements of an SOP. You can set this essay aside for the personal statement submission of your application.

Scholarship / Chevening Essay about Network - Professional development through networking [2]

Dhea, you have been participating in various organizations since the start of your career that can actually be considered networks. The problem with your presentation is that there is no clear or definitive method by which these organizations have criss-crossed within your profession to be considered a usable network. It is not enough that you join them, after you join them, they need to create a sense of intersection within your career where you joined one organization, moved on to the next, had to use the previous organization's contacts to to a better job in your current position, and in the process, ended up creating a new network because of a referral or something that allowed you to contact another usable organization connected to your field of employment. Think of this as a physical social network. Where are the common "Friend" points where these connections become useful to you and use those points to create the basis for the usefulness of your network in a Chevening designed need for mentors and other sponsors for previous and upcoming scholars. If this network is useful to you, explain how the network will also be useful to Chevening in the future. Provide examples of the usefulness of your network other than the work that you did for them. That reasoning does not justify that these are networks. It only qualifies the connection as work experiences.

Writing Feedback / Is it Self-Defense? Or is it Spreading Chaos? - Gun Control Essay [3]

Hamza, this research / opinion paper is tremendously one sided in presentation. Any research paper that wishes to inform its reader must do so by properly representing, discussing, and opining on both sides of the issue. For example, when you say that the government did nothing after the Las Vegas shooting but does something when ISIS attacks internally, you need to follow up those claims with clear supporting examples and reasoning. Aside from that, you also need to do research on what type of reaction did come out of the government and present it in line with the discussion regarding gun control. For example, the local police were in charge of the Las Vegas investigation for a time before higher authorities came into play. When an act of violence has the trademark signs of ISIS, the FBI and Homeland Security immediately step in. Then there is the question of how these guns were purchased and what existing gun control laws already exist. One of the major discussion points your research should prove or disprove is that, based upon research and other sources, that there are either enough or not enough gun control measures passed by congress and what is preventing its proper implementation, aside from the NRA and other connected lobby groups.

As a commentary on a single article, the essay is strong, as a comparative argument, it is one sided and weak. It does not have enough resources cited in order to give credence to your opinion in the paper. In order for your argument to be effective, you must show evidence of the weakness from the other side. Your reader cannot just take the opinion of one writer or two writers who share the same opinion and then consider that the gospel truth.

Undergraduate / Your Betterment Is a Choice - Texas A&M Admission Essay Topic B [2]

Michael, this is a very good personal statement that shows the development of your interest in Osteopathy which, I believe, is your chosen college major. This essay does not want you to continue the discussion of the reasons you chose your major. Instead, it wants you to discuss something about yourself unattached to your major of choice. Who are you beyond the Michael with interest in this course? What are your other skills or abilities that make you a unique individual? What other things about you as a person, not as a student, do you think the reviewer needs to know about? Think in terms of who you are outside of school. Character development, a hobby that differs from most, an ability to do something that others cannot or have difficulty doing (like rubbing your head and tummy at the same time) are the normal topics discussed in this essay. So think along those lines as you work on developing your new essay. You should not use this essay for the current prompt. As usual though, you could use this essay for the open topic prompt since that prompt will accept any discussion you want to provide in the essay. It states:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

Yes, I think this essay will work very well for the open topic discussion essay. Don't get me wrong, the final decision as to the prompt you wish to respond to is yours. If you want to use the original prompt, you will need to change the essay though to make it more appropriate for the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Some people enjoy changes and new experience, others like to stay unchanged. Compare both approaches [3]

Trong, the standard format for an IELTS essay test requires 5 paragraphs of 5 sentences each. the format of which is as follows:

1. Prompt restatement
2. Opinion 1
3. Opinion 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Closing statement

Each paragraph should contain only one line of discussion because of the 5 sentence maximum requirement. The format for each body paragraph is:
1. Topic sentence
2. Reason
3. Supporting statement 1
4. Supporting statement 2
5. Example

In some instances, the supporting statement can be cut back to just 1 sentence so you will have around 3-4 sentences in that paragraph. Not really ideal but it will still get a decent scoring consideration provided your discussion is always as complete as the ones that you presented in this practice essay.

You need to remember that your personal opinion should never be bundled into the concluding statement because it doesn't allow for the proper closure of the discussion. The focus of the closing paragraph is a reverse summary of the opening statement. This time, repeat the prompt, summarize the discussion, then repeat your opinion. End of story.

This essay is pretty strong and, if it were not for the scoring considerations that are based on preset parameters, it could have gotten you a very high score. The main problem, is that you did not properly represent the opening statement. Let me show you how it should be done:

It is said that people try to live their lives based on 2 different considerations. The first, is that one should know how to deal with the evolution of life and in the process, enjoy the new adventures it offers. The other, is life should not be subject to adjustments so that their routines do not change. In this essay, I will compare these two points of view on life and then present a statement about which approach I feel suits me best.

It is important that you stick to the original prompt discussion and present a proper outline to help you keep track of how to discuss the essay in the succeeding paragraphs. By using synonyms in place of the original keywords, you increase your LR score and allow for a higher GRA score because of the mix of simple to complex sentences in one paragraph. All of these are considered in the final scoring stage.

Writing Feedback / Exercise or a balanced diet to health? Discussion essay. [7]

SG, aside from the problematic opening statement, that left me dazed and confused, the overall presentation that you have is admirable. The essence of each paragraph is clear with only one topic discussed with proper supporting sentences. Good job. The personal statement provides a highly analytical representation of the previous two discussions in relation to your personal opinion. Excellent work. You show the potential to become a very good essayist. All your paragraphs are within the minimum sentence requirement and a majority of the sentences are acceptably worded and formed so you should get a passing LR, C&C, and GRA score. It is the TA that will actually pull your score down because you were obviously unsure as to how you should write that section. Let me give you an idea about that:

A common belief is that exercise of the only way to achieve perfect health. Recently though, another idea has begun to take hold. The idea states that a balanced diet may have more value towards the overall health considerations of a person. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view and offer my own opinion regarding the discussion.

That is a clearer paraphrase of the original prompt. Compare it to the one that you wrote and you will see for yourself why your version is a bit confusing for the reader to understand.

Scholarship / I'm motivated to hone my networking skills whenever possible. Chevening networking essay. [3]

Alvin, this essay that you created only details how you learned how to develop and use a professional network. It does not indicate how you currently create, develop, enhance, and cultivate your scholarship network. By a scholarship network, I refer to the people that you meet in a professional situation outside of the office. The network cannot relate to a co-worker, an immediate supervisor, or someone within the company that introduces you to someone else. A professional network is developed through work necessity or skills development. Your essay does not really portray that you have that ability because you are focused on how other people develop their networks as per your observation. This is not an essay that you can use for this prompt. You need to write a totally new one that indicates what your current professional network consists of, how you use it, if it has led you to create additional networks, and why these networks you have created will offer Chevening an enhanced network of their own. Prove those points and you will have an essay that addressed the prompt requirements in an accurate manner.

Scholarship / STUDYING IN THE UK - Chevening: motivations to make marketing sustainable [3]

Angela, your second paragraph is too short and does not really help to enhance the information you are presenting about your background in the essay. So you can remove that part and just use the 3rd paragraph as the second paragraph of the essay. Now, are for the reference to your future career paths. your first and third university choices show how you plan to use the courses in the future. However, your second choice doesn't indicate how this opportunity you might be given will help to open a career path for your in the future. Additionally, you should remove the reference to your undergraduate degree in this section. You should discuss your academic foundation as it applies to all of the courses you have chosen, not just this particular course. The reason is simple. You must provide concrete proof that your academic background has given you the foundation to succeed as a masters student, regardless of which course you are sponsored by Chevening for.

Scholarship / Profesional Reference Letter for Chevening Scholarship - She has worked well in two airports [7]

The letter that you wrote is acceptable at this point. It at least sounds like someone other than you wrote this letter. Which makes it a valid recommendation letter. As for your inquiry about a translator being on hand in case of a verification phone call, I am not privy to that information. I urge you to contact the Chevening secretariat in your home country or inquire about that concern via their FB or official website. They have people ready and willing to answer your queries during specific time frames. It would be best to get an authoritative response from them regarding the reference question you have. I don't dare hazard a guess regarding a response because that is too much of a risk to take. While you still have time to contact Chevening, I strongly recommend that you do so. Don't leave anything to chance as you have a lot riding on the recommendation letters as well. However, provided you supply 2 recommendations, and the other person speaks fluent English, I would not be so worried about the reference letter verification process. At least one of the referees will be able to properly support the recommendation letter that was submitted on your behalf.

Scholarship / Learning and gaining experience participating in various British courses [6]

Adil, this is a strong presentation of your course choices. While I feel that the future use per course in your career should be more developed, as the prompt does ask you to specify how each course will help you enhance you future career, you did do a summary presentation as an overall career objective so that is acceptable. I makes the essay unique and interesting in a way. The location of the two universities are not really relevant to the reasons why you chose these universities though and can be omitted in the presentation. If you have academic awards and accolades from your college days, that could further enhance your ability to complete any of these courses that you have chosen. Your academic profile can use some building up. After all, your professional discussion is one of the strong points of your essay.

Graduate / Masters in Data Science (Introduction Paragraph) (Rough Ideation) [3]

Sanket, I am unclear as to what type of essay you are writing for your MS application. Are you developing a personal statement or a statement of purpose? My advice to you, in terms of specifics, will depend upon the type of essay that you are developing. Each essay type has a specific concentration so I need to know what direction to take your essay into.

That said, there is a general piece of advice that applies to both the PS and SOP with regards to information. That is, you should never refer to terms such as "since my childhood" in your essay. No reviewer ever believes such claims and they consider that an exaggerated statement in all essay types. It would be best for your essay if you remove that reference and just say that you developed this interest as a high school student or something. The proper type of information that you can present in place of the "since childhood" reference will again, depend upon what type of essay you are writing.

So far, you have an interesting start to the essay and your opening sentences for succeeding paragraphs are acceptable. However, I am not sure if it will all apply or if you will need to revise most of it because of the focus that the essay (whichever type it is) requires.

Writing Feedback / [WRITING IELTS TASK 2] - Mass Media controls people's mind. What can be done? [7]

I can understand your confusion. While this type of essay is normally written as a singular opinion essay, there are instances when you can write about the extent of your agreement and disagreement with the statement. The presentation of the prompt, based on your confusion should have been something like this:

There is an opinion that because media can be controlled, it has the power to control the point of view and reactions of people. Since media has the power to do this, the public believes that nothing can be done to correct the situation. I only partly agree with this statement for a number of reasons that I will be discussing in this essay.

By using the term "partly agree" in the opening paraphrase, you allow yourself to discuss both points of view to a certain extent within your body of paragraphs. The body will then consist of:

Par. 2 - agreement discussion with evidence
Par. 3 - disagreement presentation with supporting facts

Using the above presentation you would have been able to get a decent score since you provided a discussion of both points of view in the essay. You could have clearly expressed the opinions you wanted to in a formal and acceptable manner that would not have caused a prompt deviation on your part.

Writing Feedback / Cambridge FCE: WRITING ABOUT FOREIGN LANGUAGE KNOWLEDGE [3]

Andre, you have a good start to the opening statement. It is interesting and hooks the reader in. However, the end of the paragraph needs another sentence as this type of essay writing requires evidence of your personal opinion at the very start of the essay. At the end of the opening statement, you should have signified what your opinion is on the topic presented in order to create a smooth introduction for your upcoming paragraph discussions.

Do not cut your paragraph presentations into lines. Present these sentences as interconnected discussions composed of a topic sentence, one justification sentence, and example sentence. That will be considered a complete explanation and paragraph by the examiner. In your second paragraph, you have two unrelated presentations. So those should have been presented in separate paragraphs with their own supporting discussions.

You have a solid conclusion presented here. The whole essay has some problem points but since this is your first attempt at writing the new FCE test essay, I would have to say that you have the potential for improvement and growth over time. Keep practicing. It will pay off for you in the future.

Writing Feedback / Tables below present information about sales of fairtrade*-labelled coffee and bananas over Europe [2]

The presentation of the essay information is remarkably improved from your practice essays yesterday. I guess you are getting used to writing these essays already. It shows in the manner of your paragraph development and presentation. That will result in a scoring increase for your work. However, you now show a problem with your grammar range and accuracy.

Please remember to consistently use past tense in your references as all of these information come from previously completed measurements. Therefore:

There were 1.5 million euros earning earned.
banana but with slower paced,

The country it called Switzerland, not The Switzerland. Additionally, the presentation of information in that sentence ran too long. It should have been split into 2 sentence presentations.

The discussion of the Banana category should not have been mixed in with the coffee information since that discusses a different topic. The coffee information should have been included in the previous paragraph, allowing the banana discussion to stand alone in a separate paragraph as per C&C requirements for scoring.

The mention of step back for Sweden and Denmark should have been justified with information from the chart. Without it, the reader does not know if this is accurate information being presented to them. When you say the situation was reversed for Switzerland, you should indicate what category it was. The reader already knows it was in 2004.

Writing Feedback / Can students study whatever they want or science and technology is a must? [3]

I do not know if you realize this or not but you discussed only one point of view in the two paragraphs. Both your presentations pertain to justifying the fact that students should only be allowed to study subjects that will be useful in the future, and what the results of those opinions are. You presented two varying results for the same topic (study subjects useful in the future) as one positive and one negative. The correct format for this discussion is:

2nd Paragraph - Students study whatever they like (not what their parents told them to).
3rd Paragraph - Students study only subjects useful in the future.
4th Paragraph - Your opinion.

If you notice, having students study what their parents tell them to in college, and having them study only subjects that will be useful in the future follow the same discussion vein. Both require the students to not study what they like but what others deem more important for their professional future. The mistake in the discussion extends all the way to your concluding paragraph. So these mistakes will cost you a passing score with this essay. It will fail due to the improper discussion presentation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Task2- the reason of learning a different language [8]

Sandra, you just failed the test because of your improper representation of the prompt requirements in the opening statement. The way you presented it is incorrect as you chose the wrong tense usage (past tense) to represent what should have been present tense references. Aside from that, you made an inaccurate portrayal of the discussion instructions. Refer to the following correct prompt paraphrase as a sample:

There are those who believe that learning a second language is required these days for a number of reasons. One of these reasons being that it is useful when one goes abroad as a tourist or as a worker. Others believe that other reasons also exist for a person to develop knowledge of a second language. In this essay, I will discuss both points of views while offering my own opinion regarding the discussion.

Since you discussed your personal opinion alone in the essay and you did not even give an inkling of the public opinion regarding the topic, as implied by the prompt, you turned this into a singular voice, instead of dual voice essay. There should have been a discussion of the two public opinions before you discussed your own opinion. Due to your failure to follow the discussion instructions, your essay will fail the TA portion and in the process, fail the whole test.

You have shown an inability to understand and follow English instructions, which is a pivotal part of the scoring and a major consideration as to whether or not you are capable of working in an English based educational system. It is clear that you are not yet ready for that based upon the mistake you made in writing this essay.

Scholarship / Being blessed to be a leader [2]

While I will not discount the relevance of community leadership as you portray in your essay, most specially since you are performing these leadership tasks in connection with your occupation, I still have to be honest here and say that you are not supplying the proper leadership and influencing skill that the essay requires. Although connected with your occupation, these are not workplace related activities and thus, lessen the impact of the leadership and influencing skills in the manner that the prompt requires.

You can use the second part of the essay as a part of your revised essay because it is a community based leadership experience that shows a clear use of leadership and influencing. However, you need to support that with a workplace related leadership and influencing skill in order to make it count towards the prompt requirement. What kind of pharmacist role do you play in your workplace? Do you handle subordinates? If so, have you any experience with resolving workplace issues? Resolving a workplace issue within your area of leadership will highlight the proper leadership and influencing skill required in the essay for the profession related part. The community based leadership narrative will help show that you have the leadership and influencing skills to effect a positive change within your community, which is what the Chevening scholarship is looking for. When combined, the two experiences will show that you are an up and coming leader and influencer in your community, which is what the basis of country leadership in the future, as in the context of Chevening, requires.

Scholarship / Building networks is the key to keeping the world connected and constantly evolving; Chevening essay [3]

Estephany, Chevening is looking for professional networks that can help to enhance the information and professional exchange between its scholars across the globe. That said, you can probably see why the networking information that you present in this essay will not qualify for your application. Chevening knows that you want to enroll in a masters course. Therefore the interest and focus of the reviewer in all of your essays will be on your professional representation. Think about your current profession and how you managed to climb the ladder of success. Who or what organizations were instrumental in that achievement? How did you meet these people and organizations? How have these organizations and people made a difference in your career? Would you say that your career improved because of your ability to connect and network with these people? Those are the questions that should be responded to in this essay, along with an explanation of how your network will help to enhance the Chevening experience for the upcoming and previous scholars. Do that and the essay will have a proper draft for the networking essay.

Undergraduate / My Essay for College Admission: Atlas. (Tell me how it sounds, and of course where to improve) [3]

Marcus this is an interesting story. Do you mean to use this essay for the open topic prompt? You know, the one that goes:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

This essay is really right on the mark for that prompt. It shows your background intertwined with your parents experience as immigrants, your own immigrant experience, and the influence that your mother had on you. It is an inspiring essay that allows the reviewer to get to know you far beyond the scope of the ordinary prompt requirements. If that is the prompt that you picked, then you made an excellent choice. If it isn't the prompt you chose, then I strongly urge you to switch to the prompt I provided in order to get the most benefit out of the essay that you wrote.

Scholarship / Great networking skills in influencing others in their chosen profession of the chevening community. [2]

Janet, the Chevening networking essay requires a physical network connection. Meaning, these are the networks that you create in the real world, based upon the needs of your profession. It is not virtual in presentation and it is not maintained by simply sending quotes to one another. That is a social network which, as per my review of your essay, does not have any direct impact upon the heightening of your professional skills or connections that could help you improve the presentation of your work tasks. These are not networks that you can use to mentor future scholars, nor is this network useful to the past scholars. This network is not Chevening grade. It is only social media, informal grade. You need to refer to your professional network of contacts for this essay, if you have any. Think about the people outside of your office, who work in the same field whom you have met with whom you have managed to stay in touch with and use as partners in the development of your career path or work requirements. That is the basis for the networking essay.

Scholarship / Past Educational Challenge and Career related Degree Choice essays for MasterCard Scholarship [4]

Ugbashi, please clarify if you were sent by your mother to live with your uncle which is why he seems to have had complete control over your upbringing. Explain how you continued your informal education as you waited for the opportunity to attend college. Explain what pushed you to approach your father's friend because somehow, it seems like your uncle should have sent you to college. The addition of that information makes all the other information in the essay even stronger. You should build on your loss of hearing in the essay. What was the cause of that and how did that adversely affect your ability to learn? Building that story will make the essay emotional and create a more interesting angle for your application.

Your second essay has a very confusing opening sentence. Let me clarify that for you:

The electrical supply of Nigeria has been spotty since the country's independence was declared in 1960. The long term results of this problem includes economic impoverishment...

Aside from the need to clarify that part of the essay, everything seems to be in order for the essay. I am just wondering though, is it 250 words for both essays (125 words per essay) or 250 words per essay? The assignment of the word count will affect how you revise the essay.

Scholarship / Economic recession to Nigeria is the reason of my interest in this particular master programme [3]

Njoku you mistook the Post Study Plan for a personal statement. It is obvious to me that you wrote this plan before you wrote the first 3 essays in the list. You need to first respond to the leadership and influencing essay, then the networking essay, then the UK study plan, before you reach the Post study essay. The first 3 essays that you develop will help you develop a proper response to the final essay. Right now, you are not providing any future career plans for yourself and you are not showing how the UK has any interest in your country's development. So you will need to trash this essay. Start with the first one instead because the order in which you write these essays will allow you to properly develop your post study plan. It gives you the opportunity to assess what your future career will look like and why. The influence of the UK in your country should help you to create the most effective response to the post study plans prompt, which, it seems, you did not even bother to read or understand before you wrote this essay.