Writing Feedback / Psychologist's statement that parents and teachers hold a paramount role to control children. IELTS [6]

Hello ainirere

Your text is Ok, but could use applying some stylistic adjustments to it. I rewrote a few sentences/phrases for you to make the text sound better:

The violent [...] As of recently, the number of violent crimes committed by young people under the age of 18 has been on a constant rise.
that [...] the lack...
the main [...] reasons for this to be the case.
In my [...] I agree that this suggestion is indeed thoroughly plausible.
Parents [...] Parents and teachers are the ones responsible for familiarising children with the ways of the world.
First [...] First, I will discuss the parents' point of view, in this respect.
Most of [...] They simply do not have time to stay in close touch with their children.
Feeling [...] Experiencing the sensation of loneliness has a detrimental effect on children's emotional well-being.
As a [...] As a result...
responsibility to [...] responsibility for ....
Most of [...] The learning process in most schools does not allow children to develop their emotional intelligence.
majority [...] Most teachers address their professional responsibilities in the emotionally unengaged manner, which disadvantages students even further.
Eventually [...] This encourages students to indulge in the anti-social behavior, such as bullying.
with [...] the ...
role [...] in controlling children.
In fact, [...] the more... children [...] receive, the more...
teachers [...] do not pay much attention to this consideration.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Working as a volunteer after school time could be beneficial and mandatory. [3]

Hello antran1995

Your text needs to be refined stylistically. I rewrote some sentences for you:
In my point [...] I partially agree with this point of view, because there are indeed some drawbacks to working as a volunteer.
There are [...] There are some benefits to the concerned activity, as well, because by being associated with it, students learn how to act as the society's productive members.

Thus [...] Thus, there is a good reason to believe that by volunteering to do social work, students are able to acquire a number of different career-related skills.

could reduce [...] could narrow down the gap between the rich and poor...
would relieve [...] would reduce the severity of their anxieties...
However [...] However, it would be another story if it was mandatory for students to do this kind of work.
In fact, [...] The reason for this is that this allows them to make some extra money and it they would not be thrilled with the idea of being forced to do any work for free.

In addition [...] This would have a strongly negative effect on both types of students: those who exhibit much enthusiasm for working as volunteers, and on those who could not care less about becoming affiliated with the activity in question.

In conclusion [...] Even though there can be only a few doubts about the fact that the concerned activity is socially beneficial, it is just as clear that students should not be coerced to become volunteers against their will.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2 on birth rate and predominance of aging people in the demographics [2]

Hello mormontre

I applied some adjustments to the text so that it sounds better:

According [...] According to the recent statistical data, the number of newly born children in the developed countries has been on a constant decrease over the course of the last few decades and it will continue to be the case in the near future.

This [...] This, in turn, is likely to result in causing the affected society to experience the lack of workers.
Firstly [...] First...
then [...] the society...
consequence [...] The society's fabric will undergo a dramatic transformation, with the population of old/retired people becoming to represent its largest segment, which in turn means that there would be less and less socially productive individuals left - something that will inevitably result in making it increasingly harder for such a society to generate wealth.

teenagers [...] will begin to consider relocating to other countries...
together [...] along with encouraging young people not to leave.
to enhance [...] to boost up the birth rate...
to live [...] without experiencing any economic hardships...
become bigger [...] grow larger in size
certain places [...] certain areas...
In conclusion [...] because of the mentioned problem, the affected countries' future does not appear particularly bright.

I hope it helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: When choosing a place to live, what do you consider most important? [3]

Hello cirora

You should consider applying some stylistic adjustments to the text. They are as follows;

because several factors may shift "the balance" to location, size, style and so on. because one's decision, in this respect, is influenced by a number of different factors.

Although giving a unique characteristic may not appear as simple as you thinkIt's not clear what this sentence refers to.. You should remove it.

One reason I feel One of the reasons, as to why I feel in this way...
that sun influences people that the weather has a strong effect on people's mood
and they never have the sun. and the weather is rarely sunshiny there
people is happier people are happier
distance from center distance form the center of a town
has a lot of importance has much importance
Firstly, First
Secondly Second
I think that the price of the house is a basic factor to take into account.This sentence is awkward.. you could say: "The price of a house is the most important factor to consider".

it's enough to consider one should pay attention to...

I hope this helped. Regards.

Scholarship / How I choose course and institution for master degree [2]

Hello gianti

The following are some stylistic corrections that I think should be applied to the text:

Having international discussion about global trade and working Having participated in discussions about global trade and worked...
international trade international trade, in particular...
I undoubtedly looked for the course that supports me best in achieving my goal and align with my interests . I made a deliberate point in looking for the course that would correlate the best with the scope of my interests and my educational goals.

getting others perspective about the course learning about how other people think of the course.
By researching, I got better understanding While conducting my research, in this respect, I acquired a better understanding...
After having some deliberations, After having deliberated the issue...

I hope this will help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Taks 2 _ Are sport facilities less useful to maintain public health? [2]

Hello wulanbila16

I applied a few corrections to the text that is sounds much better:

Nowadays, more and more countries become increasingly concerned with the issue of ensuring a high quality of public health.
It encourages them to make some efforts to maintain it.You should remove it...
adding more sport facilities building more..
people can use it to keep their body fit. because by exercising, people are are able to stay fit
facilities do not give a major impact these facilities are not as useful as they are believed to be
better to require other facilities such as hospital and healthy food centre. hospitals should be put in charge...
can be better - is much better
by using this facilities, inhabitants can keep their body fit. by doing physical workouts, people can lead a healthy lifestyle
can trigger people can stimulate individuals
In another hand, on the other hand
These days, such foods have been difficult to be found . As of today, however, it becomes increasingly harder for people to obtain such foods.
People can use this facility to get rid of their disease People are able to receive medicinal treatments at the hospital.

Also, you should consider replacing the repetitive word 'facility' with some synonyms, which can be looked up online. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Should children, when they'll grow up, do same kind of jobs like their parents? - I have some doubts [6]

Hello Oathbinder

I rewrote some of the most awkwardly sounding sentences for you so that the text sounds better:

Even though many people do believe that they are in the position to choose what should be their children's professional career, I do not quite agree with this point of view. One of the reasons for this is that there is a rationale to think that children will be so much better off being encouraged to rely on their own judgments, when it comes to deciding on what kind of job they would like to do in the future. If, however, parents exercise too much control over their young ones' decision-making, in this respect, it will have a negative effect on the concerned adolescents' sense of responsibleness. Moreover, since people are different, this undermines the validity of the idea that children will be comfortable allowing their parents to make a career-choice for them. Therefore, the idea that there is nothing wrong about pressuring children to follow the footprints of the parents cannot be considered legitimate.

I hope this came of help. Regards.

Essays / Acceptable length of Introduction and Conclusion in an essay [3]

Hello offshorewriters

The size of Introduction and Conclusion usually depends on the paper's size-wise format. Still, when I write essays, I try to make sure that there are at least 150 words in the Introduction (it usually accounts for 5-6 sentences). In this part of the paper, you need to establish a thesis (main idea) that you will aim to explore. If there are more than 10 pages in the essay (275 words per page), then you may consider having 200-275 in the Introduction. Essentially the same principle applies to Conclusion - while writing it, you're expected to summarize the essay's main argumentative points. I hope this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Comparison of Energy Production [3]

Hello Desty22

I rewrote some of the most awkwardly sounding sentences for you so that the text sounds better:

1. The picture shows the differences in energy-output in the years 1995 and 2005.
2. As it can be seen on it, in both years coal and natural gas accounted for the most extensively exploited sources of energy.
3. There was a slight rise in the usage of coal in the year 2005, as compared to what it used to be the case in the year 1995, with the percentile ratios amounting to 30.93% and 30.30%, respectively.

4. Throughout the period, the rate of petro-usage has fallen from 29.27% to 19.55%.

I hope that it'll come of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Travelling is a sweet escape from stressful life - and the best is sharing joy with a loving family [5]

Hello Kimgrey

I think your text is well-written. However, you could consider applying the following adjustments:

Thesethis essay
At this present time, there are lots of people who loves travelling to experience the worlds' amazing spots . - Nowadays, many people do travel a lot, as the mean of familiarizing themselves with the world's numerous wonders.

They choose to travel by themselves to have more time to think and explore different places - These people prefer to travel alone, so that they have more time to explore different places and to think of their experiences, in this respect.

j ournalist and w riters
being alone inon a trip
they find They found it safer - it safer
For instances, unexpected events happen along the way on their trip - For example, if an unexpected event takes place during their trip...

Regards.

Essays / How to write a good outline of essay about Internet connecting people around the world? [4]

Hello kurniawanraju

I think, your Outline for the essay could be as follows:

1. Introduction - 275 words. (Here you introduce readers to the topic and stress out the sheer importance of the Interment, as the tool of bringing people together).

2. The social preconditions for the emergence of the Internet - 275 words (Here you discuss what made the emergence of the Internet possible, in the first place).

3. The Internet as the informational medium -275 words (Here you accentuate the Internet's ability to allow the virtually instantaneous transfers of information from one part of the world to another).

4. The Internet and the cross-border communication between people - 275 words (Here you specify the actual ways, in which the internet allows people to stay in touch, such as making it possible for them to join chat-rooms, etc.)

5. Conclusion - 200 words (Here you summarize the main points of your essay).

I hope that it came of help. Regards.

Book Reports / Interior monolog about a short story "Cat in the rain" [4]

Hello costyk1

I rewrote the monologue so that it sounds little better:

I think, my hair does not look so good at all. I stand in front of the mirror, arranging hair locks, and he is just laying on his bed, consumed with reading the book. Is he trying to tell me that this book is more important to him than his wife? If this is the case, it means that I am married to an ungrateful and selfish man. I thought of starting to get undressed so that he pays attention to me, but I now think that it would probably make more sense pouring some water on his head - maybe this will wake him to the reality of living a married life.

Writing Feedback / Clothes? There are more principal factors that should be considered before assessing people [2]

Hello putri22

I rewrote some of the main sentences so that they sound a bit more refined. You should be able to build more text around them:

The issue whether people should be judged on a basis of what they wear continues to strike much controversy. I personally believe that even though it is indeed important for us to pay attention to what we wear, it is utterly inappropriate to assume that one's worth is reflective of what happened to be his or her clothing. One of the possible reasons as to why the concerned practice (judging people by their looks) is still a commonplace occurrence, is that those who dress poorly are assumed to experience the shortage of money, which in turn is often taken as the indication of their lack of education. However, there can be only a few doubts that making opinions about people, solely with respect to how they look, is morally wrong. Therefore, remain a firm believer that the mentioned practice should be considered disgraceful.

I hope, this helped. Regards.

Writing Feedback / The media should focus on exposing ordinary people since it will bring benefits for humans [2]

Hello putri22

I think, it'll add to the text's quality if you rewrite some of the sentences, as suggested below:

1. Nowadays, Media tend to pay little too much attention to the private lives of celebrities. 2. However, this particular practice cannot be considered thoroughly appropriate, because it helps to divert people's attention from the social issues that do matter. 3. After all, there is a good reason to believe that, as a result of being exposed to the information about the private lives of celebrities, teenagers will have a harder time trying to adopt a socially responsible lifestyle.

As you can see, the reformulated sentences naturally derive out of each other, which in turn ensures the smooth flow of argumentative logic. The rest of the text could be readjusted in a similar manner. I hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / It's evident that electronic devices influence the communication between societies when used wrongly [2]

Hello anita11

I think that the text will sound little better if some of the contained sentences are reformulated in the following manner:

1. The ongoing technological progress influences communication and interaction among people to an ever greater extent. 2. In fact, some individuals argue that... 3. I personally agree with this point of view, because there are indeed a number of indications that one's obsession with hi-tech gadgets is detrimental to the concerned person's ability to lead a socially integrated lifestyle. 4. The reason for this is that people's preoccupation with modern technology often causes them to choose in favor of living in the virtual reality. 5. Consequently, the concerned individuals grow increasingly incapable of taking care of their social responsibilities.

The rest of the text is Ok, but you could you use paying little more attention to the semantic connotations of some of the used words. For example, the phrase 'In addition, using gadget, computer and hand phone' isn't very refined, because computers and hand phones are also 'gadgets'. Other than that, your text does make a good argumentative point. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Starting a business, instead of trying to gain a job in an occupation (IELTS Task 2) [4]

Hello Anita11

I took it upon myself to fix the first paragraph in your text: 1. Unemployment is one of the crucial problems, faced by many countries. 2. This is the reason why it represents a common belief that people should seek to start a business of their own, instead of trying to secure a conventional job. 3. I personally think that there are indeed a number of benefits to such an option, which overweight the affiliated drawbacks. 4. The option's main downside has to do with the fact that becoming an entrepreneur is challenging in many respects - not the least because of the ongoing economic recession.

I did it to show you the strategy for simplifying sentences - this will make the text much more readable. I understand, you want to sound sophisticated, but I think it'll make much more sense if you focus on ensuring the text's clarity for now. In its turn, this can be accomplished if you remain observant of the 'cause-effect' principle while writing. That is, you should make sure that every sub-sequential sentence directly derives out of the previous one and defines the actual rationale for constructing the next one. Hopefully, you'll find this helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the consumption of several fuels during a 200-year period is elicited on the graph [3]

Hello nsb

I think you should consider reformulating some of the sentences, so that sound a bit more stylistically refined. Sentence 1:It appears that, even though wood was the most popular type of fuelsinitially, its popularity declined sharply by the end of the period. Sentence 2: In contrast, there was an enormous rise in the usage of coal - despite the temporal reduction in the number of people using coal throughout the period's mid-part. . Sentence 3: In the year 1800, the number of people relying on wood, as the source of energy, appears to have accounted for 100%. Sentence 4: Throughout the course of the sub-sequential periods, however, the usage of wood has plummeted down to 5% and, as of 2000, it is no longer used as the source of energy on an industrial scale. The rest of sentences are Ok more or less, but you could use shortening/simplifying them. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Healthcare, lack of money, school for kids - the percentage of problems facing by immigrants; IELTS1 [6]

Hello anita11

I think, the first paragraph will sound much better if rewritten as follows: "The displayed chart reveals the percentile ratio of problems, faced by immigrants, in relation to their age. As this chart reveals, most immigrants experience a number of financial and health-related challenges while trying to adapt to a new country. It is also rather clear that the concerned individuals do not think of the problem of trying to a suitable school for children to be quite as acute, as the rest". I think, you should consider using simpler sentences until you get a better grip on the language. Other than that, the text is easy to understand. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Including hard-working philosophy in a educational curriculum is the best way to get succes -IELTS 2 [2]

Hello Choirulmajdi
I just wanted to highlight a few errors in the text. First, you use the idiom 'a lot' a bit too excessively - it is more of a jargon actually, which means you should try to avoid using it in the written text. The word 'many' is much more appropriate. Second, there are a few words in your text that that appear to have been used in the wrong context. For example, instead of 'prosperity', you should have used 'wealth'. Also, it is stylistically awkward to say 'people get overwhelming prosperity'. You should consider 'people become enormously wealthy/rich' instead. Finally, try not using the same words (like 'people') too often. There are other terms that convey essentially the same meaning, like 'persons', 'individuals', 'citizens', 'folks'... I hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / "Old is gold" - an old friend is definitely more important in life than a new friend [3]

Hello RachelG

I find your essay rather well written. Still, you could apply a few corrections. If you say 'on Earth' you should use a capital letter, because the reference is made to the planet. When you refer to the soil (as substance) than you say 'earth'. Also, you should consider eliminating the phrase 'It has also been scientifically proven' unless you want to substantiate this claim with the reference to some scientific study. If I were you, I would also remove the idiom 'First of all' for stylistic reasons. It would be much better if you say 'First - ' (argument), 'Second - ' (argument).. etc.). Finally, you could mention what is the main advantage of making new friends - it will add objectivity to your text. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Getting new job and having interview are linked as a common way within companies. [2]

Hello indah_hai

I think you can improve your text by reformulating some passive-voice passages in it. I rewrote two initial sentences so that you get a better idea as to what I mean. Sentence 1. It represents a commonplace practice with many companies to interview job-applicants, in order to test whether the latter are professionally adequate or not. Sentence 2. Even though there can be only a few doubts, as to the practice's validity, I believe that it is possible to increase the effectiveness of conventional approaches to hiring people. The point is - you should try making every sub-sequential sentence as concise, as possible. Hope, this came of help. Regards.

Writing Feedback / A separate room for nicotine users may limit the bad effect of the cigarette smoke on non-smokers [3]

Hello Riiskacha03
It appears that your text could have benefited from being stylistically refined a bit more. For example, the introductory sentence can be reformulated to sound as follows: It now became a common practice in many countries to designate special areas in public places, where people are allowed to smoke cigarettes. Moreover, even though your text does mention some issues, associated with the subject matter at stake, it does not make much of an argumentative point. This, in turn, makes the beginning of the concluding sentence ('In conclusion') rather uncalled for - you have not explored the controversial aspects of the discussed issue, in order for your conclusion to be fully substantiated. Again, this is just my opinion. I hope you will find it helpful. Regards.

Writing Feedback / What Motivate People to Stay Longer in Particular Company? [2]

Hello nuni11

There are a few minor stylistic/grammar errors in the text, but they do not affect its readability too much. The argumentative points are well organized. It is much better of a text, as compared to the one submitted by you yesterday. Nevertheless, I think you should consider referring to the so-called Systems Theory, in order to substantiate your claims. The Theory's main provision - 'The whole is greater than the sum of its parts'. This is the reason why it is wrong to assume that employees working in the strong collaborative mode (teamwork) are motivated by the prospect of receiving a monetary reward alone. As an integral part of the team, an employee is often concerned with seeking emotional self-actualization - something that motivates him or her to remain professionally committed more than anything else does. This is why monetary incentives commonly prove ineffective when it comes to motivating employees.

Writing Feedback / Should Children with Less Artistic Talent Concentrate More On Practical Subjects? [2]

Hello nuni11

There are two issues with the text. First, a number of featured sentences are little too complex, which in turn makes them somewhat unintelligible. For example, the first sentence would sound much better if refined as follows:

As of today, there is still much disagreement among teachers and parents about whether attending art-classes by children should be compulsory - even in cases when a particular child exhibits the apparent lack of artistic talents.

Second, since it is an argumentative text, you should consider using the appeals to ethos and pathos (rhetorical techniques... you can find definitions online), while defending your point of view. As far as I can see, you've only used the appeal to logos (the reference to the New York Times report). Regards.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 : which one is better between childcare services or grandparenting programme for children? [4]

Hello ichatea07

I think, many sentences in your text are unnecessary complex. I simplified a few of them to illustrate what I mean. Also, you should try making sure that there are smooth transitions between sentences. Here is the example:

Sentence 1. Nowadays, it became a commonplace practice among fully employed parents to allow childcare services to look after their children, instead of entrusting this task to the elderly family-members.

Sentence 2. Nevertheless, I believe that even though elderly folks do possess much experience in childcare, it is namely within the settings of the daycare centers that children are being treated in the most professionally sound manner.

Regards.

Writing Feedback / Mountains play a very important role in geology, and earth geography. [3]

Hello alirakiyan

I think, the text will sound much better if reformulated as follows:

Mountains are very important to the sciences of geography and geography.
Mountains contribute to the creation of deserts and jungles.
Many mountains are well-known throughout the world, such as Everest and Kilimanjaro.
During the time of war, mountains often end up playing a decisive role.
For an army it always represents much challenge trying to cross a mountainous terrain.

Other than that, the contained sentences are easy to understand, for which you deserve a credit. You could you use listening to some news in English to get a better 'feeling' of the language. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre-school age [2]

Hello there indah_hai

I think, you will be so much better off using some simpler sentences.

Below are some rewritten sentences, so that you may get a better clue as to how this can be done:

Whereas some parents believe in the benefits of childcare, others insist that children will be much better off taken care of by the extended family members.

The most commonly recognized benefit of childcare facilities is the availability of trained professionals. As some recent studies by Queen University indicate, during the course of last three years there has been much improvement in the quality of childcare services.

It is commonly believed that the next-of-kin caregivers are much less likely to subject children to any physical or mental abuse.

And so it goes... Your task is to make sure that every individual sentence is easily understandable. Regards.

Writing Feedback / Why do so many people want to study in English? Is it such an important international language? [2]

Hello. I applied some stylistic adjustments to the text so that it sounds more refined. Marked in green are the corrected/altered sentences. I didn't change anything in the last paragraph... it's just, I'm not too sure about the point you're trying to make in it. If you clarify that for me, I'll readjust the last paragraph, as well. Regards. W.

Each year, more and more young people from around the world travel to the English-speaking countries, such as the UK, USA, and Australia. Many of these individuals do it for the purpose of obtaining a high-quality education in English from schools, colleges or universities.

The concerned language is spoken, understood and recognized by many people throughout the world, especially by those who themselves happened to be highly educated.

The main reason for these individuals to decide to study abroad is that it is either the standards of education in their own countries are not high enough, or that the persons in question are interested in obtaining some out-of-home studying experience.

Another reason for this has to do with the fact that one's educational pursuits in an English-speaking country are helped by the person's continual socialization with native speakers - something that will help rather substantially for him or her to develop a conversational proficiency in English. Some people would also want to learn other cultures during their study period.

Learning a new language is much too difficult, especially through the process's initial phases. For example, if someone wants to learn the German language, he or she would have to get itself thoroughly familiarized with the language's grammar and vocabulary first. It is understood, of course, that this will present much of a challenge - all due to the time-consuming nature of such a pursuit.

Writing Feedback / False, deceptive advertising - strategies to deceive consumers [2]

The following are the corrections that I think should be applied to the text: 1. 'there has been an precendented ' - an unprecedented. 2. 'They take advantage ' - These companies take advantage. 3. 'to fool consumers ' - to mislead consumers. 4. 'a lot of people discuss ' - people used to discuss. 5. 'What they get ' - What buyers get. 5. 'A pair of sneakers endorsed by a race champion may be more appealing than those without celebrities ' - A pair of sneakers, endorsed by a celebrity, will represent a much greater commercial appeal to consumers, as compared to what it would have been the case without such an endorsement. 6. 'advertisements make consumers confused by using scientific concepts ' - advertisers often confuse consumers by the mean of referring to the opinions of 'experts', which are, in fact, nothing but hired actors.