Writing Feedback / Genetic engineering is an important issue in modern society. [3]

Heru, your essay discusses the topic in a manner that runs against the expected discussion. The discussion instruction was indicated by the original prompt as being a comparison of the two points of view before the presentation of your personal opinion. What you did was develop your own discussion format in a manner that you felt proper for your understanding of the topic. You did not consider the proper formatting of the essay discussion as indicated by the original prompt. You also did not accurately discuss the topic in the manner instructed. This essay would get an automatic fail in an actual test setting.

For starters, you did not paraphrase the prompt in the opening statement. You discussed the topic immediately which is a violation of the TA requirements. That violation and lack of proper instruction in the thesis statement would automatically result in a score of 1 for this essay. That failure cannot be overcome and your overall score will be a failing grade.

Kindly remember that you will not have any opportunity to access the outside internet from the testing center. Therefore, you are not in a position to cite facts and figures as you did on this essay. Always use common sense, popular opinion, and logic to discuss all provided essay topics. You must ensure that you practice the test in an actual setting format so that you will know what the allowable movements and limitations in your discussion will be on that day.

Writing Feedback / Obesity is an increasing public health problem in some parts of the world. [5]

Renzo, what is the prompt that you are responding to? It seems that you are not responding in the proper format to the original prompt requirements. I wish you had posted a copy of the original prompt so that I could have an idea as to what this discussion is all about and where it is supposed to be headed. As far as the format of the essay goes, it should look, in paragraph form, similar to this:

1. Paraphrased opening statement
2. Body paragraph 1 (side you do not support)
3. Body paragraph 2 (side you tend to support)
4. Your personal opinion that supports the previous body paragraph
5. Concluding statement

Using this format, it is clear that you should not have placed your personal opinion, which is underdeveloped in the presentation, at the top of the essay. It is always presented towards the end, in a completely developed paragraph. You are trying too discuss too many reasons within your paragraphs. The rule of thumb is that you use only one topic per paragraph. So that means one reason per body and one proposed solution. All of which needs to be presented in completely developed discussion patterns. That is why you are asked to present only one topic per paragraph. The examiner is more interested in how you express yourself in English rather than the number reasons that you can present in one paragraph.

Your conclusion is good but incomplete. You should have mentioned some of the solutions to obesity as presented in the essay. This essay shows that you have the potential to improve your work over time. You just need to keep practicing and making sure that you always provide the complete original prompt when you come here to ask for our opinion on your work.

Writing Feedback / ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT CANNOT BE PROMOTED IN PARALLEL WITH ENVIROMENTAL PRESERVATION [5]

Young, as I read your essay, I came to only one conclusion, and this is without having access to the original prompt. Your paragraphs are not really paragraphs that defend a stance in the sense of the original prompt. Rather, you presented a series of opening statements which are paraphrased representations of the original prompt and nothing more. You presented a partial retelling of the original prompt without really representing usable ideas or facts that would tell the reader that you have already presented the original discussion topic and the discussion instructions so now you will be discussing your body of paragraphs. Do not focus so much on proving your advance word usage that you forget that you have to discuss the supporting facts, examples, or reasons within the body in order to defend your stance. This is the most obvious problem of your essay that can be observed with or without the original prompt. Do us all a favor and post the prompt in its original form the next time you post an essay for review. That way, I can offer you a more analytical observation of your essay work.

Undergraduate / I am running for secretary in my FFA class end this is my essay [2]

Luis, this is not a very good campaign speech. If you do not know what your good qualities are that will make you a good secretary, then why are you running for secretary? You cannot run on probables. You need to be certain that you have what you believe to be the best qualities and traits of a secretary for your organization. You need to have a sense of conviction in your statements. Certainty in your abilities is a must, and a desire to win over the voters, whom you know will be voting for other people are a must in your speech. Whatever you do, do not tell them it is okay to not vote for you. It isn't ok that they vote for their friends. Sell them on the idea that you are the better alternative and that their friends have shortcomings when it comes to the possibility of discharging their duties as secretary. Make yourself sound like the only viable candidate. Make sure you come across as the only candidate who can fulfill the job of secretary. I do not get a sense of your abilities to actually discharge the duties of this office because of your weak speech presentation. Use the pronoun I and make declarations instead of suppositions in your sentences. Each paragraph needs to be a strong statement instead of a weak plea for votes.

Graduate / Plans to apply for KGSP-G via University Track- Study Plan- My First Draft [2]

Bea, the first half of your essay totally sets the tone for your study plan and goal of study in Korea. However, the second part fell apart and became totally disconnected from the first half that you presented. The second half should indicate the type of research that you will be required to do, internships that you hope to achieve at specific computer companies in support of your research, and how the university that you chose to attend will be able to help you accomplish all of your research goals. Forget the part about practicing the language and passing the TOPIK test. The Goal of Study and Study plan assumes that you have already passed the language requirement in Hangul and are now a qualified masters degree student in the country. Therefore, the focus of your presentation should solely be on the actual purpose of your study. This is the Korean equivalent of the thesis proposal that is used to apply for admission to masters studies in universities in the US, UK, Europe, and Canada. So the content of the essay should be along those veins. Focus on the purpose of the study, what the research entails, how you hope to achieve those results, and why this university is the only choice for your studies.

Graduate / There are many reasons that Computer Science become my chosen field. Personal Statement. [6]

Sabuhi, you have approached this personal statement in the same manner as one would a college application essay. Since you are now an experienced professional, a higher level of writing is expected of you when it comes to your personal statement. You must focus more on your professional experience and development as the foundation of your interest and the reason as to why you chose computer science to be your chosen field. Develop an essay that focuses on the first time that you developed a successful app for the Google Playstore. What was that like? How did that experience help to heighten your sense of advanced learning in the field of computer science? How difficult was it for you to develop the second and third apps? Were these experiences pivotal in your decision to pursue a masters course in computer science?

From there, discuss how you chose the university that you will be attending. What specifics interested you in this particular university? Discuss the training programs, mentoring chances, and other university specific information that will help to highlight your professional experience with this university. Don't over discuss it though. Just mention it in passing that the full developed discussion for that topic should be located in the statement of purpose. Make sure you create a PS that is just interesting enough for the reviewer to consider reading your statement of purpose next.

Scholarship / I'd love to hear your thoughts on this leadership essay for the Chevening Scholarship Application [4]

Rodrigo, this is a failed business model. Do not share this as the reference for your leadership and influencing skills. The Chevening reviewers will be looking for successful leaders and influential people in their line of work or business. They will not be impressed by anything that you said in this essay because the end result is a failed leadership and an inability to influence people towards achieving a common, successful goal. Are you not a practicing professional these days? I can't understand why you are sharing one highly juvenile leadership skill and one failed leadership opportunity. Try to think of a professional activity that you had which resulted in a successful project. This should be able to depict an effective leadership and influencing skill on your part.

Even though you learned about leadership and influencing situations through the business example that you presented, it still doesn't erase the fact that you failed in that venture. Therefore, it does not prove that you will be a capable leader and influential figure upon your return to your home country. The prompt specifically states that it is looking for currently "successful" leaders and influential figures in your home country. What you presented does not apply to that prompt. Therefore, you need to write a new one that is more appropriate and reflective of the required prompt elements.

Scholarship / KGSP study plan about language - my problem is in speaking [6]

Fitri, due to the incomplete information that you provided earlier, the admin of the forum has allowed me to give you one more free advice just so you can continue working on your paper in the proper manner. I will get started with the new and more appropriate advice below. You will need to revise the essay to indicate a professional language learning plan before and after you get to Korea. For the before part, I suggest the following:

1. Indicate that aside having taken English language classes at the age of 4, you will continue to seek formal, academic training in English. Explain something along the lines of seeking additional tutorial classes to help your shortcomings in written and spoken English. These could be after school tutorial lessons or online tutorials. The choice is yours.

2. For the English written practice, say that you will be practicing by writing blogs in English or, that you will keep a personal log / journal, just for your private practice in writing in English.

3. In terms of the spoken English practice, explain that you will be practicing that by spending time online in English practice chatrooms or engaging the services of an English tutor whom you will speak to on a daily basis. If possible, include a reference to how you will spend time with your classmates from English class doing English speaking exercises after class. Recording your voice practicing will not be very helpful if you will not be practicing English comprehension skills as well so remove that reference from your essay.

With regards to the Korean language learning, it is important that you let them know that you will be learning the Korean basics by enrolling in a TOPIK preparation class. When you enroll in a TOPIK class, you immediately get to polish both your written and spoken Hangul. With the implied sense that you are going to be taking the TOPIK test as soon as you are capable of passing it, you will be impressing the reviewer in a highly positive and memorable manner.

For both English and Hangul practice after you arrive in Korea, you can refer to a collective language practice by offering to practice speaking English with the native Hangul speakers and then speaking English with the Hangul speakers who wish to practice English. Along with those, you can also make reference to your excited at enrolling in more language classes once you arrive in Korea in order to help augment the classroom English and Hangul lessons that you will be receiving.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (Both Views of Blood Sport on Animals) [3]

Dian, please do not paraphrase the original prompt requirement as you did in this essay. As you can see, the rephrasing that you did, which was utterly unnecessary, has created a confusing instruction sentence for your prompt. You are depicting only one point of view in the original prompt requirement while the instruction is asking for 2 points of view plus a personal opinion to be discussed. Exactly where is the paraphrased paragraph supposed to get the other point of view when it is not state in the original prompt? Do you see the problem that your over zealousness to paraphrase the original prompt in this practice test created? You must always cut and paste or retype the original prompt without alterations for a proper assessment of your essay to be completed.

Your paraphrased prompt is now faulty because it does not properly represent the original prompt requirements. In fact, I cannot even tell what the original discussion topic and instructions are at this point and because your paraphrasing is inconclusive and does not help the contributor to figure out the point of the essay.

Your discussion in each paragraph is confusing. The sentences often do not make any sense to the reader and causes stress on the comprehension skills of the person reading your work because of the problematic sentence structure, grammar usage, and lexical resources. This is not the type of essay that will gain a passing score in an actual setting. Due to the lack of proper prompt instructions and topic presentation, I cannot understand what the point of each paragraph is and why you are discussing the essay in such a manner. What are the prerequisites for the actual discussion? Your presentation seems to make some sense in some instances but I am not sure if your total discussion is fully applicable to the essay as required.

I am really troubled by the lack of progress in your written skills and English comprehension abilities. It does not seem to me that you will be prepared to take the IELTS test in a passing manner at the appointed time. I hope that you can somehow ask your tutor to help you better develop your English comprehension skills, as well as your grammar and sentence structure abilities. At this point, based upon the work that you have been submitting, I am not confident that you have the skills that it will take to pass the test.

Undergraduate / ROLE MODEL: prompt of my own design [3]

Petra, before you worry about any grammar, spelling, and punctuation mistakes in your essay, you must first, separate the essay into paragraphs in order to make it easier to read. Right now, you have one totally tight representation of various topics in one paragraph. That makes it extremely difficult to follow and also, prevents a proof-reader from easily spotting any mistakes, as your mentioned, within your paper. What I did notice though, is that you often forgot to hit the space bar when you are starting a new sentence. Start with the paragraph format first and then work your way onto the word spacing problem. When you complete that reformatting, you should be able to spot any other problems with the paper on your own. By the way, it would be nice if you could write a prompt for your discussion topic so that the reviewer will know what the central theme of your essay is going to be. I think that you should first, discuss the confusion you felt, then introduce your role model, and only after that should you discuss how this person inspired you. The essay discussion is currently hard to follow because your topics seem to be atop each other. If you outline the discussion first, you should be able to come up with a smoother presentation flow for the final format. Everything you are saying should make better sense and be easier to follow in that revised format.

Scholarship / KGSP: motivations why you apply for this program, experiences, achievements, influencers, activities [2]

Farah, try to first introduce yourself to the reviewer before you discuss the motivations you have for studying in Korea. So that means you will have to make paragraphs 2,3, and 4 the opening, second, and third paragraphs of the revised essay. This will leave you with enough space towards the end to properly focus on your motivation for studying in Korea. While you have presented some reasons as to why you have decided that studying in Indonesia is not an option for you, the reasons for your opting for studies in Korea is not very well developed. You present only general information about Korea University when what the reviewer needs to learn from you are specific reasons as to why you chose (1) Korea and (2) the Korea University specifically for your studies. So you will need to write 2 extra, independent paragraphs for that. One paragraph for the question "What motivated you to study in Korea" and another one for "Why Korea University in particular?" That will create a more comprehensive motivational discussion for your essay that should better highlight your reasons for studying overseas. By the way, I noticed that you had a number of activities to speak of but no accomplishments to present. Why is that? You should try to explain why you only have activities when academic achievements are also a part of the discussion but you had none to present.

Undergraduate / Kiwis Cant Fly. I read that in a bird book once. Common App Essay [4]

Kiera, a 5th grade event that doesn't even show a continuous and related growth process in the essay is not an applicable response. The prompt specifically asks you to represent a "period of personal growth" in your presentation. Therefore, you need to point to an event that has you starting out as one thing at the beginning, slowly realizing certain things towards the middle, and then, a new understanding of yourself in the end. Think of something along the lines of:

1. I want to dance but I don't know how to
2. I enrolled in dance lessons
3. Through the lessons, I learned I do not have a sense of rhythm
4. I worked hard to develop my sense of rhythm
5. I began improving as a dancer with the slow development of my sense of rhythm
6. I came to realize the importance of rhythm in the art of dance

That is the type of narrative that this essay requires you to present. It has to show a series of progressive events and a realization / lesson learned on your part in relation to a specific event or activity.

I have to say though, that the essay that you wrote is pretty good and should not go to waste. Maybe you would like to consider using this essay for the open topic prompt instead. You can easily formulate an original prompt based upon what you wrote and then use your personal prompt to describe the essay discussion.

Scholarship / KGSP study plan about language - my problem is in speaking [6]

Fitri, you have not written an essay that is anywhere near delivering the study plan requirements of the KGSP program. You are supposed to be writing a Goal of Study and Study Plan essay. This requirement does not have anything to do with your weakness in English but rather, the goal of your masters degree studies. You need to present a thesis background in this instance. What is the thesis statement that you wish to work on and how do you plan to go about the research in order to complete it? That is what comprises the study plan. It has nothing to do with your plans to improve your language skills because, let's face it, if you don't pass the TOPIK test, you won't be able to continue with your masters studies in Korea. The study plan is only meant to assess the seriousness of your application. It is supposed to show that you have a true interest in the course of study and you have an idea as to how you plan to apply what you have learned for a specific purpose. Do you know what masters degree you plan to undertake in Korea? If so, then revise your Goal of Study and Study plan (yes, that is one and the same essay. The topics are connected) to reflect the instructions I provided above.

Graduate / Explain your short-term (immediately post MSF) and long-term career goals. Vanderbilt Finance degree [5]

Hu, if I am not too late, I would like to offer my own take on how you can better improve your work in relation to this prompt. I believe that the problem with your essay is that you focused too much on your future thoughts rather than properly establishing the academic and experience related facts in relation to the development of your interest in the MSF program. In my opinion, you don't have to focus solely on the MSF studies in relation to Vanderbilt in a highly focused manner. The essay would be better served if you redirected your writing towards the purpose that a Personal Statement is used for. That is, you must highlight the development of your interest in the program through personal insight and short academic references. I feel that majority of the discussion that you present here should be used mostly in your statement of purpose. Which is why this essay has run this long and is somewhat misdirected. Focus more on your college studies and how these experiences helped to increase your interest in the MSF Finance degree. Remember, you need to show the development of your interest and save the rest of it for the SOP instead. That way, this essay becomes shorter, better focused, and informative for the reviewer in reference to the development of your finance background.

Undergraduate / First college essay. Requirements in WHO AM I ESSAY [3]

Mathew, with 3 pages to write this reflective narrative you could have come up with a more engaging and creative narrative than this. While you are being reflective in the essay, you have too many sound bites going on in the story to actually come up with a more interesting presentation. the reflection that is being asked for in this essay doesn't fall under numerous experiences but rather just one story. The most reflective story that you can come up with that best tells the reviewer the kind of person who you are. For example, when you discuss your fear of failure, you need to show a chronology in the story that indicates:

1. What was your life like before the failure
2. What events led to the failure
3. How you were affected by the failure
4. How you overcame the failure
5. Who you are after this experience

It would help if you included other people in this narrative who helped you build your character and helped you discover who you are. Use some dialogue exchanges since you have enough word allowance to do that. Focus on the best character building experience that you can remember and write it in a creative narrative form. You can look up further instructions as to how to write that sort of reflective narrative online. What I told you can help you get started with your new draft.

Writing Feedback / Materials printed on paper or given in an electronic form? I am working for Toefl Exam. [2]

Fahri, rather than creating your own information in relation to the original prompt, you must simply restate the prompt in your own understanding. There is a particular format that the paraphrase must follow. Let me show you an example of how this prompt should have been rewritten in a different but similar understanding:

There are some people who believe that research is better completed using printed materials. Others believe that seeking educational information using internet sources are a more efficient alternative. Personally, I disagree that using printed material for research is better than using the internet. In this essay, I will present two specific reasons and examples to support my opinion.

The closer your representation of the original prompt through the use of keywords from the original or synonyms that allow you represent the same word in a different manner, the better your chances to show off your English grammar and vocabulary skills. You don't need to create a non prompt related introduction. The prompt itself offers you plenty of opportunity to display your English writing skills.

Now, since you are allowed 3 body of paragraphs with which to present your reasons and examples, I suggest that you always present one topic per paragraph. In this particular essay, the example that you gave about the backward community you were in would have been more effectively presented as a separate paragraph. That way, the previous reason that you gave could have been given a more expanded discussion. You did well in the 3rd body of reasoning paragraph. I just wish you had done better in the previous paragraph. Always aim to present 5 paragraphs in the essay, which is the maximum, in order to better highlight your English skills. Writing less than that does you a disservice.

ESL writers have this predisposition to quote themselves when they write. Since it is impossible to quote yourself by saying "according to me" as the term "according to" means you are referring to a statement by someone else, it would be best to rephrase that part by saying, "To close this essay, I would like to repeat that I believe". "I believe" takes the place of "according to me" in this instance.

In relation to the aforementioned discussion, I would like to tell you that you did a good job in the concluding paragraph. Your only shortcoming in that aspect is that you forgot to restate the original prompt prior to the presentation of your summarized discussion information. No matter though. You did an acceptable job with the essay even with the problems that I noted above. I hope you take note of the problems and improve upon them over your coming practice tests.

Writing Feedback / Our Trip Our Adventure in Jambi - Narrative Essay [2]

Nuraya, your narrative essay is too broad in scope and should use the first pronouns "Me, myself. and I" as often as possible. In a narrative essay, the writer, as the one who experienced the story first hand, is the story teller. That is why the first person pronoun is used. While your friends are also characters in the story, you need to separate them in terms of reference. Their actions need to separate from your own. If you wish to, you may use dialogue to remove the redundancy of the single point of view. Before you can do that though, you first need to narrow down the story that you are telling.

With a 1000 word maximum it would be best for you to narrate the adventure that happened at one place only. That way, you can fully engage the reader in the events as these unfolded for you and your group. Begin the essay by setting up the reason for the activity. Why did you decide to go bird watching? Then create the events that led towards that activity. This is when you introduce your friends who accompanied you. Describe your friends and why you wanted each person along with you for the trip. Since this is a limited word essay, pick only one friend to go with you so that you can save the word count. From there, begin the narrative about the trip. How was the plane ride? How did you get to your destination? Those sorts of information. Remember, break up the narrative with an exchange of dialogue between characters whenever possible.

An effective narrative creates an intelligent presentation of events. That means, you are able to engage all the senses of the reader by involving them in the events. Right now, you keep telling us what happened when you should be showing us how it all happened. The instructions I gave you above should help you create a more interesting narrative.

Keep the narrative short. It need not be extremely long nor does it need to cover too many stories. Just like any other essay, focusing on the development of one story presentation is more than sufficient. Pick one adventure and build the narrative story around that.

Writing Feedback / A Time Bomb in Wildlife Existence - IELTS Writing Academic Task 2 [8]

Aulia, for the first time ever in my history of advising here at EF, I am going to be giving the lowest possible score for an IELTS practice test. This essay will get a score of 1 in an actual setting because it does not properly address the task requirements. Since you scored a 1 in terms of Task Accuracy, that means there was clear lack of understanding of the prompt and the discussion instructions on your part. As such, you will automatically fail all the remaining aspects of the test. After all, you cannot be scored properly for the 3 other criteria when you obviously did not understand the question. American students and parents have this not so laughable joke about students who get the lowest possible scores on any test that they take, "You got a 1 for spelling your name right." That is what you did in this essay.

I think the confusion in the discussion of your essay comes from you not really knowing what the meaning of Socioeconomics or social economics (in the long form) is. This term pertains to the "... social science that studies how economic activity affects and is shaped by social processes. " As you can probably see from the definition of the term, your essay does not discuss anything remotely related to the definition of the socioeconomy of the world in relation to wildlife preservation. This misunderstanding of the term and its subsequent wrong discussion is what led to your failing score in this essay. In this case, the socioeconomic factors that you were being asked to discuss were in relation to the preservation of wildlife.

Let me be clear. The minute you prove that you did not understand the prompt requirements, you will get a failing score overall. You will not be scored on the remaining criteria as that would mean assessing information not related to the original prompt. I know my statements here are kind of harsh but I have to be in order to open your eyes to one thing, you need to improve your English comprehension skills, lexical resources, and vocabulary understanding. These are the weakest points that you have as per this essay. These are also the points that are considered the most in your test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic Writing Task 2: Essay Writing (Effect of the Internet in society) [2]

Riya, I believe that this is a level 6 essay. It has a clear presentation of the discussion points as provided in the original prompt, you were able to discuss solid lines of reasoning albeit on a less than effective scale, and you managed to not confuse the reader with your declarations. All of these are the good points in your essay that helped to bring up your score to the 6 bracket range. Now for the problem points.

In the opening statement, you immediately outlined the topics for your discussion as part of your discussion instruction sentence. That is unacceptable. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present any form of actual information in the thesis statement because of the lack of paragraph development that exists. It is enough that you stated the strength of your disagreement with the statement in the thesis sentence. All you had to do was imply that 2 reasons supporting your claim would be discussed.

The following line confuses me a bit:

People from all over the world can interact at real time using the applications, namely Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter, what was not even imaginable a few years ago.

At the point where you said ".... Twitters, what was not imaginable..." makes it sound like you accidentally merged 2 different sentences as the first part of the sentence seems to be headed in a different direction than the closing portion of the sentence. Was this an accident or was this intentional? I think that what you meant to write was:

... Twitter, all of which were not even imaginable... Notice how the addition of the correct words created more understandable meaning in the sentence? Make sure that you always write fully developed sentences otherwise you will be scored down in terms of grammar accuracy and coherence.

In the second paragraph, you divided the attention of the examiner by presenting a first and second line of reason in the same paragraph. This effectively lowered the C&C as well as the GRA score for your essay because neither reason you presented was developed adequately enough to convince the examiner that your reasons are sound, effective, and applicable to the original statement. It is always best that you just focus on just a single topic per paragraph. By presenting only one reason, you will be able to prove that you have the analytical ability and written ability to express your thoughts in a coherent English paragraph, which will be the main requirement for students attending school in Australia, Canada, and the UK.

The closing paragraph is also problematic because you continued to introduce new aspects to help support your discussion. The closing paragraph must always just do a recap of the previously presented discussion within 3-5 sentences. That is considered to be an effective conclusion. Just as with the opening statement, you cannot introduce new facts at the end of the essay because there is no room to further develop that line of presentation. You only have 5 sentences per paragraph and a maximum of 5 paragraphs to work with so make sure that all your presentations are tight and on point in order to increase your chances of a higher than just passing score.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship opportunity to pursue postgraduate studies in UK [4]

Odatt, your presentation is incorrect. This is still to be presented in a formal essay format and not a bullet form outline. You must revise the presentation to use smooth transition sentences from the end of one paragraph to the beginning of the next paragraph in order to achieve the proper format. While your plans for your future after you graduate is acceptable, there is a lack of accurate reference to the role of the UK in Tanzania at the moment.

You cannot mention that there is a UK agency arm in your country that you hope to get as an investor in the stock market. That is irrelevant. The correct intention for you, in relation to the UK agency involvement in your country would have been to properly address the participation of the UK in Tanzania economics. You must mention the name of the agency, what their role in Tanzania is, what their current projects are in relation to your profession, and what their future involvement might be once you become a partner of that agency in promoting the Tanzania stock market or other relevant economic programs. Poverty eradication does not seem to have a direct connection with your profession and chosen masters degree course so you will need to explain how the UK agency fits in with your plans for increasing the stock market investment in order to help eradicate poverty.

If you cannot make the connection between your profession, your country, and the UK agency then you will not be producing a very effective essay. There have been applicants here whom I have assisted up to their final round of interviews, but then lost their chance because they could not create a post study project that would coordinate its efforts with a UK agency in their home country. You have to prove that the UK government supports your related field in your country if you want to make it past the final round of considerations.

Research Papers / What is Hobbes' argument for the absolute nature of sovereignty? Is it convincing? [2]

Fang, you have to lessen the in-text citations in your paper. Any paper that contains more than 30% citations tends to get a lower grade because the professor believes that you are using the quotes as a cop out from actually having to explain the context of the reading material. Try to instead, present your analysis of the given reading material from a personal point of view. The way I read the paper at the moment, it is all about the point of view of the written text and very little about your understanding of the material. Should you opt to revise your essay in the manner suggested, I am sure that you will create a more interesting paper for the professor because there is less citation and more critical thinking involved in your presentation.

With that said, I find that your first 2 paragraphs are redundant because you repeat the fact that Hobbes as 2 reasons for his argument in both paragraphs. Rather than repeating the same information twice, just go into a direct discussion of the first fact in the second paragraph. That way the essay takes off immediately after the presentation of the thesis statement in the first paragraph.

Scholarship / Leaders choose to lead - Chevening Scholarships [4]

Fahima, I do not see any singular leadership experience coming directly from you in the first leadership instance that you present. You keep on talking as a member of the group and how your group accomplished a task. You create the image of a subordinate who knows how to work with a team, not the image of team leader who had to inspire her subordinates to follow her instructions in order to complete the task. There is no individual reference to leadership and influencing in that paragraph so it does not work as an effective example on your part.

In the second example, you only claim to have inspired 200 women to improve their lives. How you inspired them is not represented when that is what the reviewer needs to read about. With 200 women to inspire, how did you, as an individual manage to do that? Did you do it alone or did you inspire the 4 girls under you to achieve that goal? If you had to inspire those under you, how did you do that? You need to delve into expanded examples for both leadership activities that you are referring to.

In this essay, you cannot simply imply the existence of your leadership and influencing skills, you have to be detailed as to how that came about. What was the conflict? How did you resolve it? How did you inspire your subordinates to help you achieve your group goals? Show, do not tell. Telling does not prove that ability, showing or narrating how you did it accomplishes that.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS writing task 2] Performance enhancing drugs : causes and effects? [3]

Nguyen, in this essay, you created a very well developed opening paraphrase. It clearly represented the original discussion and the discussion instructions. However, you fell short in the body paragraphs and conclusion which will pull down the C&C section of the score. This will probably cause you to have nothing more than an average passing score instead of an impressive higher than average score.

The problem came in terms of the problems that you presented. There are 3 body paragraphs that could have housed your discussion. For each paragraph one reason could have been presented with the effects being presented in the final body covering a general discussion of the causes you presented. The reviewer is looking for a sense of clarity in your discussion paragraphs. That is why you are asked to present only one topic per paragraph. By discussing only one topic, you will allow yourself to fully display your English writing skills because you can focus on better explaining the reason you have chosen to present in its accompanying paragraph. That is not achievable when you present 2 or more reasons, as you did in this essay. When you have more than one topic for discussion, the tendency is for you just inform but not discuss the topic you presented. It is the discussion that you are scored on mostly in each paragraph so you cannot just mention a cause without fully developing the reasons behind it. The effect can be discussed in the third paragraph instead.

Your concluding paragraph shows a continuing discussion of the prompt topic rather than a summarizing of the content of the previous paragraphs. The summary of the discussion is the main focus of the concluding paragraph as this serves to act as an extension of the opening paraphrase, allowing you to now display an extended ability on your part to further restate the topic and give a shortened version of the cause and effect, with your closing sentence. When you continue the discussion, as you did in this essay, and include new information in the process, then you are not really concluding the essay. As the word implies, a conclusion is an end to the discussion. Even if you said "In conclusion", if the actual presentation does not conclude the essay, the examiner will realize that and deduct points from your final score accordingly.

You wrote a total of 4 paragraphs. However, the outline provided in the original prompt clearly has room for a 5 paragraph presentation. That is what you should have presented based upon the original prompt. The original prompt dictates how many paragraphs you should present and that is always 5 paragraphs. Never 4, never 3, never 2. Always 5. That is the best way to show off your English writing skills and prove that you actually have the English comprehension ability to enact instructions provided to you in a strong and accurate manner.

Undergraduate / Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a new understanding of yourself. [2]

Patson, what you have written is perfect for an open topic essay discussion in the common app prompt since you are allowed to create your own prompt and discussion topic for that portion. This essay that you wrote does not work for the prompt that you chose to write it for because there is no actual event that is being referred to which would have helped create a better idea regarding this self realization that you speak of in the essay. I will admit that I find the essay that you wrote to be rather engaging and heartfelt. Therefore, I do not suggest that you delete the essay. Rather, I would suggest that you change the prompt to the open topic one instead and write a better essay that depicts and event, the effect it had on you, and the new understanding of yourself that stemmed from that experience.

Sometimes, essays write themselves and it is the essay that chooses the prompt it will respond to. That is what happened here with your essay. So don't get rid of it, use it for the correct prompt and if you wish to, develop a better suited essay for this other prompt that you chose.

Scholarship / Are You Really Can Change Yourself? - KGSP Self Introduction [3]

Seila, the second paragraph in relation to your early education is irrelevant. The reviewer is not looking for the negative in your educational background. He will be looking for the positive in your academic accomplishments. It would be better if you gave a general discussion of your early education, focusing on your college studies and accomplishments (awards and recognition) instead because these should tie in directly with your professional experience and lead to the motivation behind your interest in this masters degree. The college education is the foundation for the whole educational portion and motivation portion of the essay.

Your essay is very weak when it comes to explaining your motivation to study in Korea. There needs to be a sense of personal interest / adventure / learning that led you to decide that you want to spend at least 3 years of your life in the country, learning a new language first , and then adjusting to the lifestyle in the country, second. There is no sense of that in your essay which makes it weak because you only refer to the generic terms of interest. In fact, what is very clear from your essay is that if you did not discover this scholarship program, you would not have had any interest in Korea and its educational system at all. That weakens your essay to the point where it may not be considered as a strong contender for the scholarship slot.

What you need to do is focus on how the Korean masters degree will set you apart from the other applicants and why you feel that you can only get the kind of masters degree training that you desire in Korea. Why study in Korea when your own country offers the same masters education at some universities? What makes you so sure that the Korean education and a life in Korea is the perfect fit for your educational and personal life at this point?

The essay is rather dull because of the lack of personal connection in the narrative. You should try and improve on those aspects with your next version. Unfortunately, if your next version is too similar to this current version, I will not be able to offer another review for that version. So let me wish you the best with your application. I know that the revisions I am suggesting will produce a much more applicable essay for your application.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: invest in infrastructure and physical plant V.S. invest in keeping the faculty satisfied [3]

Sheanen, the next time you post the original prompt, kindly post the complete prompt instructions. What you posted here is only a partial representation of the original prompt as the first half of the discussion instruction is missing. Without the full prompt, I cannot accurately review your essay for prompt responsiveness and accuracy. In the meantime, I would like to call your attention to some general problems in your presentation.

For starters, in the opening statement, you cannot begin your discussion regarding your opinion at the end of the paragraph. You can only imply that you will be discussing your personal opinion as supported by reasons and examples specific to the discussion. This is the golden rule of the opening statement paraphrase. You cannot begin the discussion in the opening statement due to the lack of sentence allotment. The evidence and opinion must be presented in the succeeding body paragraphs instead.

As the prompt instructions are not complete, I am not sure if you should really be discussing the topic in a contrasting manner. There is nothing in the prompt that you posted which justifies such a discussion. Therefore, you may not have discussed the paragraph properly. However, in the event that you did discuss it in the manner expected, then the contrasting opinion should have been discussed as a separate paragraph in the next line. Each paragraph must have only one topic for discussion each. You have 3 body of paragraphs within which you can discuss 3 reasons or supporting statements for your opinion.

Your concluding statement is inaccurate. You need to provide a proper summary of the discussion along with a closing sentence. This paragraph is normally composed of 3 sentences, not one line because you cannot prove your GRA skills in any paragraph with only one sentence. That goes against the C&C requirement of a complete paragraph presentation in the essay.

Undergraduate / 'In my life, i have experienced many events that didn't': Three essays in one thread-MIT application [5]

Idonibo, the first response that you wrote is very good. It accurately depicts something that you do for relaxation, which you can most likely pursue as a student at MIT. You could probably join their soccer team if you want to. That's an extra curricular activity you can do just for the fun of it as a member of the student community.

The second essay can be presented in a more concise manner. Let me show you a better presentation for it:

I learned about Astronomy in high school and have had an interest in that field of science since then. I have always desired...it offers knowledge needed to better humanity. As a budding astronomer, the Astronomy program at the... at MIT.

When the instruction says "or less" in terms of the word count, always go for the less presentation. Keep the response tight and direct to the point. The reviewer doesn't have the time to read a very long introduction. The response upfront is always appreciated.

I would change my response to the third short statement. The last thing that you want the university to know is that you have a gambling habit or situation. The universities frown on any form of gambling on campus. So discussing that upfront, since it happened only weeks ago, will have a direct impact upon your application. No matter how good your credentials are, the fact that you are a gambler is what will stick to the attention of the reviewer and will be made the main topic for discussion by the admissions committee should you make the final round of considerations for student acceptance. Pick something else. Don't accidentally brandish your gambling side this time around. Hide it.

Graduate / Application essay for MA in Fashion Marketing [4]

Fatima, what exactly are you supposed to be writing here? You didn't exactly mention if this is a personal statement, motivational letter, or statement of purpose. I am not quite sure what direction this essay should be headed in as it has elements of all 3 within the statement. By the way, it would help your essay if you divided it into paragraph topics rather than keeping all of the information bunched up into one paragraph as you have now. It is difficult to keep track of your discussion and also, makes it hard to pinpoint the highlights (if any) of your essay.

Quite frankly, your opening statement is weak as it does not directly relate to the intentions that you have for this paper. Depending upon the type of paper that you are writing, your first few sentences must indicate the direction that the essay will take. So if it is a statement of purpose. then indicate that purpose within the first 5 sentences. If you don't establish the point of the paper within 5 sentences, then you will have lost the reader's attention. Don't make him look for the purpose of the essay, hit him with it instead. He doesn't have the time to search for the deeper meaning of your writing.

Lessen the musings that you make at the start in favor of a more direct approach that will align the essay with the prompt that you are responding to. That way the essay gains a clear focus in its presentation and you will also be able to decipher which information should be retained and what should be removed. Directness if valued in the writing of these masters essays. The foundation of your education in the course that you will be applying to must be evident. So separate your work at GOAT from the rest of the essay. From there, figure out what else the prompt requires you to present and make the appropriate adjustments to your content.

Undergraduate / I transferred into UConn from a small school. Applying for readmission essay [2]

Rebecca, I understand that this is a draft of the essay, which is why the presentation is still all over the place. You have so many ideas presented here that you need to actually decide which one is more important to present. I would not present the situation with the summer school in this instance since you were not able to attend it anyway and the credit issue doesn't involve the university in any way. I would like you to concentrate instead on explaining the situation regarding your failure to pass the previous semester and how your circumstances have changed since then. If there is a name for your illness then I suggest that you use it. Explain the medical situation in a method that will be supported by the accompanying certificate of health. Your issues seem to be related to mental health so after you present the simple medical explanation of your situation, you can focus on how you started to recover from it. Then explain, in great detail, where you are exactly at your point of recovery now and why this is the best time for you to return to school. Highlight the changes you have made and what the prognosis is for your future as you deal with your illness. That should make the essay more emotionally engaging and hopefully, result in your being considered for readmission.

Try to keep the essay within 5 paragraphs at the most. The longer your essay gets, the less chances you have of the reviewer actually reading it to the end. You need to keep it short by presenting all important elements within the first 2 paragraphs. The rest should only be supporting statements meant to inform the reviewer of your current situation that allows you to go back to school.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - a launch pad for my career in cardiology [7]

Blessed, your essay does not depict an impressive post study career plan. This is so general in reference that it could have been applied to any applicant within the same field. I strongly recommend that you try and find a method by which you can highlight the continued promotion of the Chevening scholarship within your career plans. You may recall that the Chevening prompt clearly indicates that you must align your career plans with the objectives of Chevening and the UK in your country. Therefore, the very least you can do is indicate that you will work at a specific hospital that has ties such as research projects or outreach programs in cooperation with the UK government or DFID. If your plans do not include a method by which you can work with the UK government via an applicable agency in Nigeria, then your application will not be given the same serious consideration as the students whose post study and career plans will allow them to continue collaborating with the UK government. This is important because the UK government is sponsoring your scholarship so you need to show that you will be a worthy alumna who will continue to embody the objectives of the scholarship program and enhance the international relations of your country with the UK through direct collaboration with the UK government or UK agencies in your country as related to your medical field.

Figure out where the programs of DFID fit into your career goals and long term plans. You need to present a viable cooperation program with that UK organization in your country and yourself. You cannot just mention them and then not create a relationship between your work and their existence in Nigeria. You have to work directly with that organization as they are the UK government unit in Nigeria that will allow you to continue your Chevening / UK collaboration upon your return to your country.

Undergraduate / Describe a difficult or challenging situation you have faced. [3]

Patson, the difficult situation is clear. However, you focused so much on your mother's illness that the essay became all about her instead of all about you. Even though your mother's situation was a difficult and challenging situation for you as you prepared for your SAT, you should have focused on how you still managed to prepare for the test under these trying circumstances. It would be better if you revise the latter half of the essay to instead, reflect how you still continued preparations for the test. Discuss how you still managed to prepare your mind, emotions, and spirit to take the test even as your mother's death was imminent. The most important part of this essay though has to do with the end result of the SAT test. The reviewer needs to know how the story ended. Okay, your mother died, did that cause you fail the test? If so, then don't use this essay. Find another challenging situation that had you instead overcoming the obstacle. As an incoming college freshman, failure is not an option. You must always show that you can manage to overcome obstacles, and grow in a sense of learning how to deal with difficult situations so that you still achieve your plans. This essay doesn't do that. Your train of thought is not clear and the presentation needs work. Hopefully my instructions will help you create a better version of the above essay. Good luck with that.

Writing Feedback / SAT essay, topic: Taking the responsibility [7]

Tatyana, are you reviewing for the SAT on your own? Are you not attending review classes? Do you not have a review tutor? The reason that I ask is because the prompt that you responded to is more in line with an IELTS or TOEFL review essay instead of a SAT review essay. The typical SAT essay tests your reading, analysis, and writing skills. It is not an opinion essay as the other 2 essays are. The SAT normally asks the student to review a passage taken from a chosen reading and asks you to review and analyze specific criteria based on the given text. Any essay that does not follow the criteria will not be scored. Therefore, your essay has already failed. It does not follow the required parameters for a SAT essay so it cannot be scored accordingly. Let me show you a sample of what a typical SAT essay test instruction is:

As you read the passage below, consider how XXXXXX uses
- evidence, such as facts or examples, to support claims.
- reasoning to develop ideas and to connect claims and evidence.
- stylistic or persuasive elements, such as word choice or appeals to emotion, to add power to the ideas expressed.

Passage follows. Then additional instructions are given for the writing of the essay:

Write an essay in which you explain how XXXXXX builds an argument to persuade his audience that xxx should be preserved. In your essay, analyze how XXXXXX uses one or more of the features in the directions that precede the passage (or features of your own choice) to strengthen the logic and persuasiveness of his argument. Be sure that your analysis focuses on the most relevant features of the passage.

Your essay should not explain whether you agree with XXXXXX claims, but rather explain how XXXXXX builds an argument to persuade his audience.

Somehow you began reviewing for the wrong test. I strongly advise that you change the manner of your review otherwise, you do not stand a chance of passing the SAT essay test section.

Scholarship / My post study career plan for Chevening for your kind review [2]

Tanveer, there is a major flaw in your post study career plan. The flaw, is that you did not look for a project that the UK advocates for in Pakistan. That means, you need to find a UK based agency that you can actually work with in order to enhance your work experience. You will have a better chance of winning this scholarship if you can prove that the UK has professional interests along the same line as yours, which the country is actively developing, cooperating in the implementation of, or promoting in Pakistan. Your plans as of now are not inclusive of these important considerations and as such, make this post study plan tremendously weak as it does not prove that you will be able to continue promoting the Chevening principles, network, and exchange of knowledge upon your return to Pakistan. You must look into a UK supported construction or educational project that you can work with or try to coordinate with in order to strengthen the possibility of your being awarded this scholarship. You made mention of your interest in these types of work upon your return so you need to make that UK connection clear otherwise, your essay will not be impressive nor relevant to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Korean language learning - a good personal statement? [2]

Richard, for starters, please remove all of the references that you wrote in all caps and change those to the proper lower case written form. Using all caps in a formal document is considered highly rude and comes across as you shouting at the reader. Since this application will be read by a highly authoritative person from the KGSP scholarship program, you will need to keep a tone of respect for the reader. Koreans are all about respecting others so when you write in that manner, you are showing a great deal of disrespect that could result in your application being given less consideration than the others because of your lack of written respect.

At this point, I have to ask you to remove all unnecessary references to your aunt and uncle. They are not part of your immediate family and thus, do not require any presentation in this essay, regardless of how relevant their own accomplishments are in the field of English learning. At this point, I have to ask you, are you applying for an undergraduate scholarship program? It seems to me that you are not yet a high school graduate based upon your writing. The reason I ask is because the personal statement for the undergraduate program has highly different requirements from the KGSP masters studies scholarship application. Right now, I will assume that you are an undergraduate scholarship applicant.

Retain only the references to your personal education and immediate family references. Explain why you do not live with your parents. If you feel that it will truly help your application, explain how your aunt and uncle have taken over the role of parents in your eyes and how they have inspired your point of view about life and influenced your desire to study languages, specifically English and Hangul. These information will help the reviewer to get to know you better on a personal level. What you need to further develop in this essay, aside from your accomplishments, are the reasons why you wish to study English in Korea. Consider that English is not the native language of Korea and you will definitely have to explain why that is.

On the other hand, if you are interested in studying the Korean language as your undergraduate course in Korea, then you will need to develop a more accurate representation of when you developed an interest in Hangul, what your exposure to Hangul is, how you have prepared to become an undergraduate student in Korea, and the reasons why you feel it is imperative that you learn Hangul in South Korea. Why can't you study Hangul in Ecuador instead?

Develop a paragraph that explains that you easily learn languages as evidenced by your grasp of intermediate English. Why will learning how to speak and write in Hangul fluently help you to gain a better future in Ecuador? Make sure that you create a personal connection between the line of study you have chosen and why Hangul is where your future lies.

Undergraduate / Unable to fail, raised under the principle of hard work. Texas application [4]

Mariah, you should open the essay from the point where you said "I was raised on the principle of hard work". That to me is more interesting to read than the opinion of your teacher which somehow, is difficult to connect to the aforementioned sentence. A reviewer has only seconds to connect with your essay, so make sure that you catch his attention within the first 2 sentences of your essay. If it takes you more than 5 sentences to "hook" the reviewer, your essay will have failed in its purpose. The format of your essay is too tight on the page. It would be better if you segregated your essay to make separate paragraphs and in the process, allow for an easier reading by the reviewer. I would create one paragraph each for my parents, then the community. So that would make 2 fully developed paragraphs that appropriately responds to the prompt requirements.

I would like you to consider something though. The prompt seems to be asking you to choose only one from the list of options to discuss. I would have focused the essay on only one character influencing topic instead of all of them like you did in this essay. The way I read your essay, you don't really manage to develop any of the influences in your life to a level that shows a clear sample of how they helped you develop as a person. However, you can easily do that if you choose only one topic for the discussion. That will work better because you can offer all of the allowable word count to help you better present the reasons why these people or the community were influential in your development as a person. Right now, your essay only offers little glimpses into that, which does not work as effectively as you might think.

Writing Feedback / Clear indicator of a great nation is the common well-being of all its people. [3]

Nikhil, you can very possibly score a 4 with this essay. You were able to show a clear understanding of the prompt topic and your discussion proves that you have the ability to make yourself understood by the reader on using average considerations. You could have scored higher with your essay presentation had you properly paraphrased the topic for discussion as an introduction to the topic rather than trying to define what the word "great" means. the definition of the word, in your understanding, is not as effective as when you might have tried to first, depict a restatement of the original argument presented. The rest of the essay, starting from the second paragraph, is pretty good. Your use of the caste system that exists in India helped you to better illustrate your given discussion opinion. However, you have a problem with the spacing in your sentence presentations. Do not forget to press the space bar between finished sentences so that the reader will not have a hard time differentiating where the old sentence ends and the new one begins. Overall, you have a pretty decent attempt at writing this essay. If you apply the changes I am suggesting here in your next essay, that essay should garner you a better score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Debatable Issue of Genetic Engineering [5]

Dian, the essay itself does not offer a coherent and cohesive representation of the required prompt discussion. I found myself highly confused by the overall essay because your sentence structure and grammar usage is far below the intermediate level of writing in English. The overall written work that you produced is really bad. It doesn't help to reflect your writing in the best light. Each sentence that you wrote suffers in terms of delivering a clear line of thinking or reasoning. Your ability to use English words in a manner that would provide a clear insight into your thoughts and opinions is faulty. At thing point, the confusing paragraph presentations are not the only problem of your essay.

The main problem that your essay has is that it does not discuss the two points of view and then a personal opinion from you. While you indicated a reference to that in your first paragraph, you did not accomplish that in the discussion paragraphs. I believe all of these problems occurred because you tried to impress the examiner with your knowledge of the topic instead of simply discussing the essay from a layman's point of view. That means, you could have used simple everyday information that is known to most people in the writing of your essay. However, you opted to sound like an authority instead by using what you hoped were impressive English words and terms which ended up backfiring because you did not know how to properly develop the discussion using the words that you decided to include in the essay.

Overall, I would not score this essay in order not to affect your confidence. I will tell you this however, you need to address the mistakes that I pointed out above if you hope to get a better score during your next round of practice essay writing.

Writing Feedback / Exploring Natural Resources (high demand in oil and gas) - IELTS 2: Essay Writing [2]

Riya, this essay will automatically get a failing score of 2 for the TA portion. That score is based on the fact that you did not discuss the essay in the manner that the discussion instruction provided. You were asked to discuss the "extent" of your agreement or disagreement with the essay. Instead, you discussed a personal opinion essay, without any reference to the original prompt requirements. Even your opening statement paraphrase is not consistent with the requirements of the TA criteria. You over complicated your presentation when it should have been a simple restatement of the prompt instructions. Let me show you how this should have been discussed in the opening paraphrase:

There is a growing demand for oil and gas on a worldwide scale. It is this increasing requirement for energy sources that has opened up the consideration of accessing oil and gas in previously undiscovered areas of the world. I strongly disagree with this action and will explain my reasons for opposing such a move in this essay.

I believe that this can result in a lot of problems like more exploitation of environment , global warming and even war between countries. A clear example of this...

It is important that you properly paraphrase the original discussion because the TA section comprises half your total score. Make a mistake in that section and you risk not passing the entire test. It will be extremely difficult to increase your score in the remaining sections because your whole discussion will already be based on the wrong premise and as such, may not fall within the proper discussion context anymore.

Do not focus on the word count per paragraph. Most importantly, do not make it a practice to write the word count per paragraph because in the actual test setting, you will not have the opportunity to do that. Just focus on writing the the most coherent and cohesive paragraphs that you can within a maximum of 5 sentences and everything will be fine. Aim to write the maximum number of sentences so that you can create more complex and less run-on sentences in your essay. Did you notice how you tend to not write more than 2 sentences per paragraph? That is a big problem on your part because that means you are writing only simple sentences. Add one more sentence and you could probably gain more confidence to start writing complex sentences. For now, practice writing 3 sentences per paragraph just to get a feel of how well you can compose English sentences. As you progress, add another sentence. Keep doing that until you find yourself automatically writing 5 sentences per paragraph already. You are guaranteed to write more than the minimum number of words when you start writing in that manner.

Your concluding paragraph needs to be the along the lines of the opening statement. This gives you the opportunity to further prove your ability to write in English. Just restate the prompt in a different manner, summarize your points in the discussion, then repeat the extent of your disagreement in plain, simple, understandable English.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic writing - Advertising expenditure breakdown [3]

Marnelee, it is common practice, no, it is expected, of the students that wish to benefit from a professional IELTS review at this forum to upload the image that accompanies the prompt you are responding to. Since I do not have access to the image and you only posted the prompt, I have no way of considering your work in accordance with the provided image. Please remember to upload the image with your next essay as you only get one professional review for your work per thread. In the meantime, let me point out the obvious problems with your essay.

The TA portion of your presentation falls short of the expected information. That should have a proper summary of the prompt for discussion, an outline of the upcoming presentation, the instructions for the discussion, and finally, the trending information (when required or possible). Without these information in the summary overview, that comprises the TA considerations, your essay will have a hard time getting a passing score from the very start.

Try to avoid creating run-on sentences by using periods instead of commas in the presentation. You need to make sure that you present the minimum 3 sentence requirement per paragraph. By creating a continuous flow of thought instead of individual discussion sentences, you create a possible lowering of your C&C and GRA score. You need to show the examiner that you can create proper English sentences instead of long sentences that combine information. Expanding is always better than summarizing in this case. Present each sentence as factual instead of continuing presentations.

Writing 186 words will help your score but the problems that you presentation faces creates some low scoring considerations for you. If you can address those points in your next test, you should be able to improve your final, overall score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 _Description of Graph - spending time on the phone calls [5]

TingTing, your essay is not within the minimum required number of words for a Task 1 essay. Don't forget that you will be penalized for writing under the 150 word minimum in this particular task. In order to not receive a penalty, please make sure that you write at least the minimum word requirement. In fact, it would be better if you wrote more than that. Aim for at least 200 words in the essay in order to increase your chances at increasing your overall score. The best way to meet the word requirement is to try to write at least 3 sentences per paragraph, 5 would be more ideal. the reason that you have to write more is because the analysis portion of the writing can only be properly presented within a more complete explanation of the provided information. had you attached the image for this essay, I would have been able to show you exactly how to do that. At the moment, it seems that you just have a superficial understanding of the image that you were provided and the information you present is not really analyzed. You just went for the obvious information, which is why your presentation came in under the word count.