Undergraduate / Describe a significant experience common app essay (I love canoeing) [3]

As my body poised for yet another stroke, I would feel incredibly lucky- this is canoeing; this is my life, and this is what I fight for.

Put a comma after the first adjective when there are more than one:

His gentle words were like the harsh, hissing of a thousand fires being extinguished.

See how, below, I put commas in to separate the quotations... and also a colon precedes his reply. A colon means, "more to come."

I had expected him to say something like, "I'm sorry that it didn't work out," so nothing really prepared for his reply: "You know, after all these trainings, I would have thought you've toughened up enough to not give up so easily."

It was hard work, but well worth it when I saw the winners of the competition ecstatic with joy; I could not win, but I could help others emerge as champions.

Ah, I guess I do not know how to advise you about shortening it. The paragraphs are all good. However, you can eliminate unnecessary phrases and sentences by looking at them all and finding the ones that are not so important. All the paragraphs are good, and I can't decide which sentences to take out! Does this exceed a word limit??

Undergraduate / Common app-elaborate on one of your activities, "to understand the material [12]

kikozang, I get it!!! Thanks for the clarification! I guess I thought you were making fun of her for being interested in helping people!! I'm sorry,

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / The world is currently in a major crisis. Common App - Issue of Concern [6]

Oh... I see that the issue you chose to write about is "hope."

It is great that you show how hope plays a role in many aspects of life. However, you need to concentrate on a few big issues and show how hope can help the situation.

I think the whole first paragraph has to go.. but please do not let that discourage you. You write very well, so I think you should revise this to address a SPECIFIC issue, as they expect (for your approach, the issue of the environment would be a good fit), and PRESENT "HOPE" AS PART OF THE SOLUTION.

So, hope is not the issue, it is the antidote. Serious revision is necessary, but not because of the writing. The writing is great. Present hope as the solution, but choose an ISSUE.

Sorry you have more work to do!!

:)

Undergraduate / BU essay - a trip to Boston [2]

I had been to Boston several times before, but I especially anticipated this visit because I was going to be visiting Boston University.

After finishing the tour, I asked one of the students if I could have a list of restaurants near by the school. She handed us a pamphlet that had the names of dozens of restaurants. I chose a Vietnamese restaurant that was a block from the campus. As we had done in our past college visits, my mother asked me what I thought of the school. I told her that the University was exactly what a wanted: a diverse school with immense opportunities that was situated in a small city.

YES, I agree that Boston is extremely cool. Good essay, this answers the prompt, for sure, but I think you should add some explanation of your academic aspirations. What is your intended major, and what special resources does BU offer.

I think you should have one paragraph about the trip and another paragraph about other reasons you like BU.

Good Luck!!!!!!!! :)

Undergraduate / Upenn Essay- the academic, social and athletic networks [6]

I think it's great that you mentioned some of the faculty members by name!!

The University's study abroad program is another feature that attracts me...

This is well-written, no mistakes! However, it focuses all on the school and not on you. From the prompt, it seems that a good essay will tell particular, unique things about both YOU and the school. To improve it, maybe speak about your intended major, what makes you different from other students in this major, and what makes this school axactly right for you.

Imagine some magic oracle appeared and prophesied that this school will be better than any other for you, and challenged you to solve the riddle of what makes it perfect for you. Does that even make sense???

:)

Undergraduate / Why do you want to attend Pratt and what do you hope to accomplish from you [3]

The word "drawer" is a little awkward. I would changed the sentence to:

I am passionate about drawing and painting.

Add " " marks:
"To be successful in any art industry," my art teacher, Mr. Low, once told me, "You gotta have contacts."

Pratt is not only one of the leading professional schools of art, design and architecture in the United States, but also the grandest art school in the nation, with the largest faculty.

Good luck in your pursuit of success as an artist!

Undergraduate / Hula has always been one of my passions; COMMON APP: DECISIONS [8]

In order to make sure people understand, just mention Hawaii at the start of the essay.

Live music emulates from stacked speakers; the rhythmic strums of ukuleles and voices that fit together in perfect harmonies. Costumes range from sleek silk dresses to elaborate headdresses to skirts made of fresh ti leaves.

No, on the contrary, this essay tells quite a bit about you. Specifically, your decision to go to the funeral tells a lot about you. When you look back on that day, you will always know that you made the right decision.

I found no errors, and also, this essay is good because it creates tension in the reader, who wants to know what you will choose to do. It has conflict, buildup, and then resolution, like a good novel or movie!

Excellent. You should feel good about this.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Anti-Americanism) [5]

This is probably the biggest hypocrisy I have witnessed in my life: Brought up in Finland, ever since I was little, I was told not to be a racist, not to have any prejudices, and not to believe in any stereotypes. As I grew older, I came to know that the people who taught me these morals didn't act upon them themselves. For these people, speaking badly of people was totally okay, as long as they were Americans.

The teachers are the worst; they just keep pouring fuel to the fire. My social studies teacher always makes sure she relates everything about our society to the United States, which, according to her stories, is like the one depicted in old westerns, except that the Indians have been partially replaced with immigrants from the Middle East and Mexico.

Wow, how thoughtful!!! You know, many of us here in America also have a lot of negative feelings about our country. Many of us were so happy with Obama's election, because it might make the world give us another chance to not be so greedy, materialistic, and evil! So, many Americans feel ashamed about the disingenuous things our country has done...

However, you are absolutely right to renounce harmful generalizations! You really impressed me with some of your insights.

Book Reports / "the pearl" by john steinbeck and i need help starting a thesis statement [5]

Great corrections from joshua here...

I only found one more:

After being chased by the trackers, he has to decide whether he wants to give his body up and turn himself over to the tracker -- and just let it all be over -- in order to save his family.

Undergraduate / Which essay should I use as my Common App essay? [6]

Below, I'll use semi-colons to fix your list:

While participating in the program, I witnessed the pain and suffering of many patients, much like the children in the commercials: prematurely born babies, hooked up to a series of tubes, whimpering barely audible cries; severely injured automobile accident victims laying in their beds with faces scrunched up in agony; burn victims, wrapped in bandages, laying in their beds as their skin heals tightly over their bodies.

Hi, the ending seems weak only because your paragraph is all about things other than the boy, and then you come back writing about "helping that boy.." To fix it, you could refer back to the commercials, and how you are finally on your way to making a difference after all these years...

Undergraduate / common app short (keen on becoming a member of the student body) [5]

Great! You are a good writer. I only found one error right at the beginning: You can't have much awaited enthusiasm. Write this:

My enthusiasm about having successfully become a member of the student body faltered when I heard that I would become a blazer quartermaster, the most undesired job in the council.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (my father's watch) [2]

One day, my father came home with a brand new watch. It was the first time I had seen such a tiny watch, so my heart beat fast. How could that little piece of metal work as much as our grandfather clock?

Who had contrived this complex mechanism of gears revolving one by one?

Ha, GREAT story! I am as fascinated with you as you were with the watch. Your father must be proud of your intelectual curiosity, and this college is lucky to have you.

Undergraduate / reason for your major - interest in economics [2]

Here is some more help:

Walking to and from school, I could observe many stores being closed, and several were just left vacant for months.

I was only six years old when the depression took place, so I had no understanding of why it happened, but I did experience the severity and seriousness of it.

With adequate knowledge of economics, I can make a difference. Just like the Koreans that unified and sacrificed themselves for their country during the IMF Crisis, I help others and my country; I can do so by maximizing the capacity of my support and especially help those who, like my uncles, suffer the consequences of economic crisis.

Undergraduate / 'girl from a foreign country had impact' - harvard common app [26]

You guys are great, excellent collaboration going on here. Thanks for contributing so much!

Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer: elaborate on one of your activities [11]

As treasurer of my school's Math Honor Society, Mu Alpha Theta, it is my responsibility to manage the society's financial account. At the beginning of each year I must collect the member's dues and additional money if they would like to purchase a Mu Alpha Theta polo. This year, I assisted in finding a company that would sell our society good quality polo-shirts at a low cost. Recently I was elected to be chief organizer for the society's annual pumpkin pie fundraiser. It was my job to find the best deal on pies, figure out how much to sell them for, and run the fundraiser on the day of the sale. Our profit was close to three hundred dollars.

Yes, ad one sentence at the end! Like seatoy said. I eliminated two occureces of the word "the"to buy you some extra room. There are no mistakes in your writing! :)

Undergraduate / Common App essay 2 (political and international headlines) [3]

This sentence could be eliminated, or you could fix it as follows: In the past decades, the new comings of celebrities have gained a unanimously superior standing over the important developments and events,foreign and domestic.

Here' another suggestion: The media is forced, by popular demand, to collect meaningless articles of information surrounding our nation's film stars and rock legends because no other news makes as much profit.

It is probably okay to go a few words over the limit, but it depends on the priorities of the reader...

This is an important topic, and you write very eloquently.

Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you. [6]

Wow, this is well-written. The only thing I don't like is the first line, about a siren sound swallowing your ears. I would offer suggestions, but you are such a good writer that i think you can come up with something better -- if you want to take my suggestions to change it. I think it starts you off on the wrong foot, so to speak. The rest of the essay is brilliant.

I do agree that a bit more reflection would be good, but it really is quite a strong essay already. I found no errors.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Hong-Kong and Toronto' - Common App short answer - activities [11]

I also want to mention that in my previous response I had made a mistake. I see that the other prompt does not ask why you chose it, but just "why it is important to you." I think you will do well with this one.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- Free Response [5]

Oh, I understand! Okay, just checking about that...

:)

Undergraduate / Common Application: my native homeland of Zimbabwe. Correct any mistakes. [6]

Wow, this opening sentence is powerful:

Though I lived through deplorable times in my native homeland of Zimbabwe, surviving tribal rifts between the Shonas and the Ndebeles and the horrific genocide of 1989, the most significant and traumatic experience of my adult life has been the xenophobic attacks I experienced and suffered here in South Africa, the land of my exile.

You write very well.

I saw that my life was at stake; I had really never been so endangered as then.

The media alerted the world by flooding the news with horrible pictures -- one of which depicted a scenario from which I escaped by mere inches, in which two men from Congo were burnt to death -- but all fell on deaf ears.

They had better accept you into th school after all you have been through!!

Undergraduate / "walking around with a meaningless life" - Common App - Brown [4]

Great advice from joshua, thanks!!

I thought they were all just splattered ink on a parched white paper, written merely for entertainment. I never realized what books can do to one's mind until I read this novel, Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom -- the first book I ever shed tears for.

Above, I implemented joshua's correction of "one's" and I italicized the title of the book. Also, I changed a comma to a dash (just an idea).

Before reading Tuesdays with Morrie, I considered myself to be one of the many students who just studied to get good grades and who just got good grades to get into a good college...

GOOD LUCK AT BROWN!!!

Undergraduate / advice for Stanford essays (a sense of intellectual vitality) [2]

I watched Dracula when I was little, and it guided me into the world of imagination.

When I learned about biology , I was glad this enabled me to explore by using my imagination.

I'm optimistic about the future because I believe that, with cutting-edge technology and bright scientists, we will be leading our way to a better world rather than the destruction of our species.

During my freshman year at Stanford, the student guide said, I met two dormmates who were unlike each other in every way except their love of The Red Sox.

When that happened, I realized that even if nobody likes me elsewhere, I still can find my friends here at Stanford, where you are always part of the community.

When I was five , my mother took me to learn dancing to consume my excessive ATPs.

I'm looking forward to meeting my new best friends at [name of school] and hoping that they will appreciate my sense of adventure. I can't wait to tell them about my adventure in the desert, struggling with figure skating, exotic theory about vampires and so much more.

These errors are minor. You write quite well, and I think you seem very thoughtful.

Undergraduate / Common app-elaborate on one of your activities, "to understand the material [12]

Kikozang, I'm not sure what you mean. Can you elaborate? Perhaps what you are trying to say is that it sounds corny to talk about having a passion for helping others. This is an admissions essay, though, so that sort of content is appropriate. It is good for scholars to set about their educations with the intention to help others...

When you give feedback, please try to be clear!
:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Hong-Kong and Toronto' - Common App short answer - activities [11]

Nope, you did not mention why you chose it... what is their word limit? Do you have room to elaborate on why?

Show that you are acknowledging their question when you submit to USC by writing, "This experience is important to me, because...

Good luck!!!!!!

Undergraduate / New York Short Answers (family characteristic, new event, talent show song) [3]

Isn't China's historic leader Deng Xiaoping short as well? If he can prominently bring positive change to people,so can I!

This (above) is awesome!

I choose "Where Is The Love" by Black Eyed Peas. I feel that the lyrics of this song reflect the harsh reality of life. ...

This is just a idea I had:
I began to love economics upon my first contact with the subject in Junior College...

Undergraduate / "debating in university life" - elaborate on one of your activities [4]

Firstly, I have learnt to deliver my ideas clearly and support my position with facts and statistics . Secondly, while I was preparing for debates, I discovered new information about various topics, and this made me more advanced in knowledge. Debates developed in me human values like self-confidence, independence, sense of purpose and fellowship in group; they also made me realize that every problem can be solved in multiple ways. By choosing just one of them and giving a rich analysis, and I can make everybody share my point of view!

Undergraduate / Unique jointly awarded Economics Degree ;Why Carnegie Mellon? [4]

That's okay, we love your essays!
It is my belief that multidisciplinary learning broadens one's perspective and thus enhances the overall learning experience of the individual.

As I am interested in immersing myself in an all-rounded education, drawing connections between subjects is very important to me. I hope that taking a holistic approac h will enhance my critical thinking.

"My heart is in the work."

As I am a firm believer in the importance of having harmony within diversity, I will strive to engage others to foster a sense of togetherness and unity. Carnegie Mellon provides an excellent platform for its students to develop into truly global citizens through the cross-fertilization of ideas.

Undergraduate / There are many reasons for me to choose Rice University... How is my "why Rice" essay? [5]

batdoi, thanks for the great contribution!

Kobe24, Instead of writing "are as follows," prepare the reader for what is to come:

There are many reasons for me to choose Rice University, among which the most important include the following: student-to-faculty ratio, sensible campus life, and location. Rice has a different point of view on undergraduate education from other universities.

The three points you cover are great, and I saw no errors! :)

Research Papers / Need ideas for a research paper [12]

Hello! First, you have to read a lot of research studies in economics. Go to the search engine called Google Scholar and type "economics," and read several studies that other people have done. Then, you will know what research has already been done, and you will be able to decide what you would like to research.

Undergraduate / My favorite word "Excellence" - essay help [7]

My favorite word is "Excellence", which means the quality or state of being superior or outstanding. It derives from a Latin word "excellentia".

At the first glance, the letter "e" appears four times in near symmetry, and brings us a feeling of harmony. In addition, the two occurrences of the letter "l" stand out as much taller than others. So this word reminds me of a Chinese idiom: "stand head and shoulders above others", which means one is superior to all the others.

...Meanwhile, its stability reminds me to take time and strive toward my final goal.

You took a great approach to this! Most people would talk about what the word means, but you talk about what it looks like! What subject will you be studying/majoring in college?

Undergraduate / 'No peaceful moments in my house' - Common app - my experience, risk, or achievement [4]

Since one of my friends introduced me a Korean drama series, I started to follow more. All the series i watched were either melancholic stories or a stories which involved wars, fightings or other turmoil.

Nice, I especially like this part, where you reflect:

"What feeling?" "Don't I have feeling?" I wondered for quite some time.

Hey, you had better go back and capitalize "I" and other words, like "Korean."

Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Northwestern attracts me with its robust economics programme, renowned professors in the faculty [5]

Hello!

These are some good suggestions from batdoi. Also, I want to add that you should respond more to this part of the prompt:

[unique qualities of] the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying.

You need to do some research. Talk online with current students, and read about the school, and come up with unique qualities of the undergrad school. Do you know any faculty members within this undergrad school?

Undergraduate / Additional Information for Common Application (Malaysia and USA education) [6]

"Malaysia's education from primary school to secondary school consists only of eleven years. I understand that in order to be enrolled in most of the prestige universities in US requires twelve years of education. In order to earn my place within your prestigious university, I am currently studying American Degree Transfer Program in INTI INTERNATIONAL UNIVERSITY COLLEGE which enables me to have 12 years of education."

Yes, give one or two more sentences to tell what you are gaining from this program.

Good luck!!!!!

Graduate / Essay on Reason of choosing career - Law school [4]

When I had first stepped into the realm of law, things seemed a bit unclear.

fascinating parts of criminal, tort or evidence law...

Although my experience did not give me a chance to explore (...) and negotiation on people, I do intend to practice my 'cutthroat debate' approaches to prove my point ...

Undergraduate / "family of three people" is the world I came from - Computer Science - UVA [4]

I'll add one more suggestion:

This sounds almost like it is not YOUR interest to pursue computer science, but your DAD's interest. You can change it like this:

Among them, my father's influence is extremely important to me, which makes me decide to follow his example by choosing Computer Science as my major at university.

That makes it seem like a celebration of your father, rather than a situation where he pushes you into a particular program...

Oh, here is another one:

This was my first design of computer program, and I really enjoyed myself while thinking about how to approach it.

Undergraduate / Cornell University - intellectual interests and their evolution [3]

Yes, you write without errors. None that I saw, anyway. I think you could improve this by mentioning one or two of the questions that were beyond the scope of even this intellectually challenging class.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement (trait+New York City) [4]

When this happens, I have to force myself to step back and reevaluate my purpose , why I am trying to achieve it, and how it will contribute to my long-term goal.

Use quote marks for the song:
For me "Eye of the Tiger" represents the attitude that people should have when going up against adversity. They should be determined, focused, and passionate about what they want.

I remember that song from Karate Kid!! Great song, great movie... and this is a great writing sample for the college. You will do well, I bet!

Scholarship / Need explanation on a scholarship question? [3]

Oh!! Well, you could even mention your participation in scholarly activities, like this forum. However, this is an online community. At college, you will be needing to contribute to the college community.

Do you do any volunteer work? What do you currently do that you will be able to do even better after you major in psych? What do you do to GIVE BACK to the community where you live, and how might you continue to do so during breaks between semesters, etc?

Undergraduate / The University of Pennsylvania Long Supplement Essay [6]

Right here, you can get rid of "to all."

Amassed with a collection of over 4.5 million volumes, Penn's fifteen libraries provide an immense amount of information to all.

You just used "all" in the other paragraph (At the University of Pennsylvania, beauty is among all), so it seems redundant.

So, perhaps change the second occurrence of it to:

Amassed with a collection of over 4.5 million volumes, Penn's fifteen libraries provide an immense amount of information to students.

This is all very good! I think it would be more powerful if you add a bit more about what your favorite qualities about the school reveal about you and your aspirations for the future, your career, etc.

Undergraduate / 500 characters NYU Supplement responses - grammar and content review [3]

Here is one more:

It is in Mandarin, so for once she did not need anyone to translate what I'm saying on stage.

(if you write "needn't" it means "she does not need to")

This is good stuff. "Meticulous folks" and the image of a grandmother's smile are great for the reader. You write with great imagery.