Scholarship / I intend to apply for the Chevening 2018-19 scholarship - Career Plan question [8]

No, no, no, no. You cannot say "Looking forward, five years (5)..." The proper format goes this way:

Six months after I graduate, I hope to be employed at a laboratory in Sierra Leone where I can plant the seeds for my desire to have my own laboratory. I hope to be able to apply what I have learned and also, build upon certain ideas that I have in relation to... After 3 years of working at this laboratory, I will get funding for a 2 year research plan that aims to discover.... In order to get funding, I will do the following things.

The above detailed format is what you have to present in your essay. The same format applies all the way to the 10th year of your career plan. If you feel that you do not have a 10 year career plan, then just present your ideas as far as your actual career plan will cover.

Scholarship / Letter of Self Introduction: KGSP, majoring in human resource and management [4]

Jasmine, aside from the suggestions above, I would like to call your attention to the weakness of your professional background. This is normally discussed as a separate paragraph because it requires you to present a complete discussion that focuses on the name of the company you are working for, the length of time that you have been working there, what position you had when you were first hired, and how you progressed to become an assistant manager. You were definitely not immediately hired as an A.M. right after graduation. There was a career progression from a lowly position that inspired you to work your way up the promotions ladder. That is a necessary part of your professional development and must be discussed accurately. If possible lead in with your internship at other institutions during your college days so that the reviewer will believe that you have prepared for most of your life for a position in human resource management.

You must also expand your academic experience in college. Discuss your grades, your achievements (if any), and what circumstances existed or motivated you to study Hotel and Restaurant Management in college. All of these experiences, when added to your professional background, creates the perfect platform to push you or realize that you need to better train yourself to manage people through a masters degree in Human Resource and Management.

Writing Feedback / Higher entrance fees to attractions for residents than for foreign travelers? [6]

Duy, you would get a very disturbing score of 3 for this essay. The reason that you failed to pass this practice test stems from the fact that you did not follow the prompt instructions for the discussion. There is a lack of position on your part regarding an agreement or disagreement with the statement. You were supposed to pick one side of the argument and defend your stance within your discussion using clear evidence from either popularly known reasons or personal experiences. What you chose to do was discuss the reasons why the government should charge higher fees for foreign travelers to visit the cultural sites instead. That is in direct contradiction with the instruction that asks you to (1) agree or disagree with the statement that foreign visitors should pay more to visit these sites and then (2) explain why you have taken this stance. You were not supposed to to a comparative essay as you would in a task 1 essay. Due to the wrong discussion approach, you failed the tests.

Graduate / My statement of purpose for MS in electrical engineering (Renewable energy) - UK admission [7]

The climate change paragraph needs to be revised from its current global context to a more localized or national representation. So, instead of discussing the alternative energy resource on a global scale as you are doing now, focus on the problem as your home country faces it and how bad it has become. Represent your home country in order to create a more believable statement. Don't take on the whole world. Nobody can effect a significant change alone on a world wide scale. Remember that. Revise that paragraph to be more country specific and the word count should go down and allow you to better discuss the problem. The next paragraph in your thread is alright. I don't think we need to revise that part unless your revision of the previous paragraph strays too much from the projected discussion. In which case, we will need to revise the last paragraph as well. We can decide upon that once you complete the revision. Sorry about constantly asking you to change things, that's the only way we can improve your work.

Don't thank me. I haven't done anything yet. You are the one who is doing all the work. I am just guiding you towards the path that will most likely help you succeed. You are the one accomplishing the hardest task of revising your essay. So thank you for being patient with all of the changes I am asking you to make.

Scholarship / KGSP2017 - Letter of self-introduction - fulfill my dream [5]

Yuuki, as a masters degree holder, it is no longer necessary for you to detail your education starting from grade school. A simple overview of your college education would be sufficient as the starting point of your educational background as this is the most recent and most applicable educational undertaking that you have completed in relation to your interest in the PhD course. Your focus must now be on presenting your professional experience and how far you have come in this field. From there, you must learn how to present the problems that you have encountered or situations that you failed to deal with, which resulted in your current motivation to gain a PhD certification. The extra curricular activities that you mentioned are not really relevant to the application as these do not help to enhance your professional abilities or skills in the eyes of the reviewer so there is absolutely no need to mention those at all. Just focus on the 4 important aspects of your application and the essay will become stronger. You should also look into combining the last 3 paragraphs of your essay into a solid concluding statement rather than the current short and split up presentation that you have at the moment.

Scholarship / KGSP2017 - Letter of self-introduction - fulfill my dream [5]

Sakouhi, the reference to your college education is incomplete because you did not refer to the name of the university, how you performed academically, and what possible significant accomplishments you may have had during this time. As an incoming masters degree student, you still have to rely on your college education to explain the relevance of your interest in Linguistics as a masters degree. Explain the kind of academic and practical training that you may have had during the course of your studies that prepared you to enroll in a Linguistic masters degree. Now, I also want to address the missing element in your application. Why are there no professional experience references in terms of how you used your degree after you graduated? Are you applying to the program immediately upon graduating? If so, then you have to at least provide some sort of related experience, either as an intern, or doing community service in relation to your course. Without a solid professional background of sorts, we will need to work harder on improving the other parts of your application in order to strengthen what could be perceived as a weak application.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay, Challenging problems that have affected you education [2]

Anon, you addressed the method by which you overcame your weight problem in a very detailed manner. It was so detailed and focused that you forgot to address whether or not you have also overcome your shyness problem through the help of the organization. Since you provided two challenging problems, you should provide a response for each problem you stated. Another thing you may want to address in the essay is the way that the drawbacks affected your actual grades. Aside from being held back in class due to the overweight and shyness problems, what kind of grades did you receive in class? Why did you attribute these grades to these two problems? Are you sure that there were no other conditions involved in the situation? The reason that I am asking you these questions is because these are the questions that remain unanswered in the essay that the reviewer may think of. Address these questions and you end up with a more solid essay that anticipates questions in relation to a written interview.

Scholarship / I'm applying Wageningen NFP Scholarship, review my answer for this 3 questions [5]

Pamila, most of your responses adhere to the expected information guidelines. However, in question number 2, you should have first established your background as a professional in relation to the problem you wish to resolve. Since you are being asked to explain how the course can help you resolve the issue, it is important that you reflect the problems you indicated in the first question in the second question. This time though, you have to relate it to your current profession as the reasons why you need to train for the eventual needs of your nation. While you have yet to address the issue, you should reflect a pre-emptive personality. Explain that you hope to be better prepared than most to handle the problem when it finally arises so that you can better handle the situation and address solutions to the problem. This is the only part of the questionnaire that you need to work on a little bit more. The rest of your responses work quite well and do not really require any edits at this point.

Scholarship / Chinese culture is a vast treasure [3]

Shen, before I can help you with the revision of this essay, I need to know what kind of scholarship you are applying for. After that, it would help if you tell me the type of essay that you are being asked to write (personal statement, statement of purpose, motivational statement, etc.). Finally, I also need to know if you have a prompt requirement to respond to and if there are any word requirements for the essay. Otherwise, I will be moving in the dark and we may not be able to edit the essay into a usable form. From the looks of it, you are writing a personal statement. However, without the information I am asking from you, I can't really tell if you are on the right track with your response or if you need to change the whole essay. Please share the additional information I need from you within this thread as soon as you can so that we can get to work on improving your presentation.

Essays / I am applying for a business course and they have asked me why i want to study that course. help... [3]

Liana, you are being asked to write a motivational essay. In this type of essay, you need to consider the development of your interest in the course that you are applying for admission to. What were the early signs that you had an interest in this field? What activities have you participated in that would justify a possible profession for you in this line? Are you sure that this is the line of work that you want to succeed in upon your college graduation? What is your justification for believing so? Consider that there there are other options in this field that probably pays better or would be easier to study, why didn't you choose one of those other options instead? What is it that you want to accomplish either in your personal life or as a service to the community / your country that led to your desire to study this course? There are so many questions that you can use to help you develop your motivational response. I hope that the ones I provided here can at least help you to get started in drafting your response.

Scholarship / International Development and Cooperation KGSP Letter of Self Introduction [10]

Joyce, it would be very beneficial to your essay if you can do a comparison of your course of life, meaning how you grew up, in comparison to the kids and adults who resided in the refugee camp near where you grew up. That would create an interesting look into the point of view of life that you developed because of the stark differences in the upbringing that you had compared to those in the camp. It would also create a stand out course of life opening statement for your essay.

As a PhD student, you should go way beyond the high school and college discussion for your essay. Instead, focus more on the relationship of your masters degree studies with your current profession. Allow the reviewer to get an idea as to how you have developed as a professional in this field, in relation to our academic training. So focus on the masters study but provide a summary of your college studies as well. The discussion you present should develop into a representation of the motivating factor behind your PhD studies. A motivation should go beyond a belief of not being able to achieve your full potential as a visa clerk. What is the the ultimate goal of your interest in PhD studies? How do you plan to use this training to become more involved in the field of work that you mentioned in the paragraph? What kind of community development are you looking to accomplish?

The last part of the essay is good enough a justification for your interest to study in Korea. At this point, I do not see any need to adjust that paragraph. However, that might change once I read the revised version of your essay. Usually, all points of the essay need to be adjusted after the first revision. We can decide upon that then.

Graduate / KGSP Graduate 2017 - Letter of Self-Introduction - Education: to learn and to share [3]

Merysa, your essay is good, but it needs to be better directed in the format that the KGSP requires. That means that you will have to do major revisions to the content of your essay. The presented information is what you would normally present in a personal statement, but it does not apply to a self introduction letter. Therefore, you will need to improve the content of your essay in a specific manner.

You can start by discussing your family background in the opening statement. What is your family situation? How do your parents support your desire for higher education? What kind of influence may your upbringing have had in the way that you perceive the importance of your career in your life? Don't discuss the financial situation of your parents as a negative in achieving your educational goals. The fact that you graduated from college means that your parents did their ultimate best to help you gain a good education in order to have a chance at a better career. That is what you should be reflecting in the essay.

The discussion of your college education should have a solid background / foundation first. So discuss how you first developed an interest in languages, but do not be so descriptive that you go all the way back to childhood. A high school motivation will work well to explain the interest that led to a college degree.

Since you are now applying for a masters degree, make sure that you can fully explain why you believe that Korea would be the best place to get your masters degree. Since your interest lies in 2 different languages, justify a Korean relationship in terms of the education that you will be receiving. Why will the Korean education make you stand out as a graduate ? What makes the Korean education in this field different from the kind of training you can get from the masters course offered in your country's universities? Give reasons that will show the reviewer that you might succeed in completing the masters degree through an academic interest in Korea, as well as a social interest.

Scholarship / Provide a maximum of four achieved awards not related to your qualifications [2]

Bolarinwa, you only have 2 accomplishments indicated in this response. The first paragraph, does not qualify as an academic accomplishment nor a training related award. You do not have to present that because it is not relevant to the requirements. There is no need to replace it in the essay either because the 2 remaining paragraphs clearly indicate one academic and one training accomplishment on your part. That already being in the essay, you can consider the essay already complete, since the maximum presentation is 4 and you are presenting 2 related information. You are at the halfway presentation mark. These are the most impressive accomplishments you have and adding anything else might lessen the perceived importance of these accomplishments. However, if you have 2 more relevant academic recognition or training to include, then go ahead and do so. While providing half of the requirements is alright, presenting the maximum number is always best. It all depends upon whether or not you have relevant accomplishments to include in the response.

Writing Feedback / News article about The Pakistan Super League. [5]

Neha, provide an overview or summary of the events that led to the brutal terrorist attack on that fateful day. That is an integral part of the report and needs to be represented. Without it, the explanation as to the 5 tier security measure seems silly. There is no reason nor cause given aside from what seems to be a "game riot" instead of a terrorist attack. Clarify the importance of the attack in order to deliver the importance of the first game played in 8 years. Double check your grammar. Dates are always written with the first letter capitalized as that is a proper noun. The article now needs to be edited for content. However, we cannot do that until you have all of the pertinent information presented in the paper. Fill in the history of the attack during the game. Then we can edit the content for length and relevance.

Graduate / My statement of purpose for MS in electrical engineering (Renewable energy) - UK admission [7]

Good revision. It carries the required information now and better discusses the purpose of your desire to study abroad. While your later discussion about the university can be better presented, I am assuming that you are not yet familiar with the kinds of classes you will be attending and who the professors who might be teaching you are. So the way that you presented it at the moment is acceptable enough for your SOP. If you can, please provide a simple discussion as to what the current problem in relation to renewable energy has caught your interest, the reason for it, and how you hope to use your masters degree to develop a solution to the problem. That will help to create a more recognizable purpose for your higher study. At the moment, it is not as clear as it should be.

Scholarship / How will the suggested study benefit my future? - AAS Essay [5]

Dany, you can improve the content of your response if you think about your post study goals. How will these studies contribute to your career? The question expects you to consider your future career goals and how the course of study you have chosen will help to equip you in this field. So you do not talk about "future expectations" but rather, discuss the outcome of the study as a contributing factor to the development of your career. Think in manners of "Graduating from this course means that I have the ability to effect change in the TESOL teaching method in my country. The improvements will stem from my new found ability to..." You need to know what direction you want to take your career in and then explain how this study supports that through performance instead of hypothetical assumptions as you do now.

Writing Feedback / Some alterations that had been done at West Park Secondary School from 1950 to 2010 [2]

Nur, you misunderstood the illustrations that you were presented for the summary. The illustration provides information for changes to West Park Secondary School during specific years. It does not cover the years from 1950 - 2010. Therefore, the discussion you presented should have been a descriptive essay that dealt with each year changes provided in the drawing. That would be a paragraph each for 1950, 1980, and 2010. Discussing the changes to the area individually / per year shows a clear understanding of the prompt requirements and would have also offered you an increased TA, GRA, LR, plus C & C score. Without the proper discussion development, I don't think you can score higher than a 4 for this practice test.

Scholarship / My essay for an OFID scholarship application to do my masters at UNESCO-IHE [6]

Okay. This essay works. The information you have provided suits the expected prompt response. However, the last paragraph is really running a bit long. the length makes it difficult to read and keep track of. I hope you will consider dividing the paragraph into 2 parts. That means you have to create another paragraph based upon the original one. To create the paragraph, you just have to choose the perfect part of the essay where a new discussion idea is presented and hit the enter key at that point. Creating the line break makes the essay more understandable and offers the reviewer a better opportunity to consider the information regarding your post study plan implementation. Upon the creation of the new paragraph, you can consider your essay suitable for submission already. No additional work required.

Scholarship / My love for motion pictures started from a tender age. SOP FOR THE KGSP [9]

Can you please clarify which of the two prompts you are trying to respond to? This is still a combination response that does not properly represent either essay requirement. I told you that you have to write two different essays for this particular part of the application. The first one is a study goal discussion, which is related to the relevant research that you will be doing at the university in relation to your masters degree. For a clearer and less repetitive discussion of those requirements, please refer to thread # 3. Work on the goal of study / study goals first. Then start a new thread for the post study plans. The essay that you have above is a personal statement and does not contain the required elements of a study goal nor post study plan. Please decide which essay you want to write first and work on that with me. At the moment, you don't have any solid essay to present for either topic. If you have already created and finalized your study goals essay then let me know so that we can focus on properly developing your post study plan instead.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 Other worker's salaries, teacher's salaries and furniture and equipment [6]

To, there were 3 pie charts presented, each with the same pie descriptions but with varying percentages. Therefore, the essay should have been presented in a comparison manner for each division in the chart. Grouped together, it should have been one paragraph each for the other worker's salaries, teachers salaries, furniture and equipment, resources such as books. Discussed in a grouped manner, the comparison would have shown a clearer summary of the relevant information in relation to the yearly expenses. The way that you presented the chart information is confusing and does not really leave the reader well informed. Due to the wrong format of your discussion and incomplete discussion, I believe that the score for this essay would be no higher than 4.

Scholarship / Growing up amazed by the diverse culture difference - Study plan for KGSP 2017 [11]

You may use any format that you wish to use in actuality. Most students prefer to use the straightforward essay presentation for their goal of study and study plan. While others, do what you did and outline the topics for discussion. Either way will work well for the purpose of your essay. My personal preference is the outlined form because makes it easier for the reviewer to instantly find the information that he needs from your essay without having to read through too much information. However, the final presentation of the research and study goals will totally depend upon how you want to present it to the reviewer. There is no right or wrong way of presenting it. Just make sure that you have a clear title for the research paper indicated if you decide to go the essay presentation route.

Scholarship / My Goal is to become an International Development specialist. KGSP Statement of Purpose [6]

Joyce, you had a very good study plan presented in the first to middle part of the essay. Unfortunately, you lost track of the purpose of the essay when you got to paragraphs 6-8. The essay would have better closed on paragraph 5 because that is relevant to the discussion of the research you plan to implement. Paragraphs 6,7,8 though go back to your academic preparations for the KGSP. These are no longer required elements in this particular essay so it should not be repeated here. Repeating it will not serve any purpose. I strongly suggest that you remove those paragraphs so that you can present the essay in the strongest possible manner. You just have to create a new concluding paragraph for the essay at this point. Indicate a concluding statement that shows how hopeful you are that the research will be the best that it can be because of the help the university will be able to offer you.

Writing Feedback / City or Country Life? Some people like me are fond of a fast-paced life in the city [2]

Nastya, I believe that you failed to provide another part of the prompt requirements. I am referring to the relevant examples from your personal experience. Since you already mentioned that you leaned towards living in the city, it would have been good for your TA score if you had shared some personal experiences in relation to the reason that you are supporting. While the reasons you provided in the essay are general in presentation, a more personal aspect was required. I know that it is easier to simply bundle in your reasoning with the rest of the essay discussion. However, if you want to get a higher score in the essay, you need to go the extra mile and present some information that comes from your personal side. This shows a clear understanding of the prompt and increases your chances of an increase GRA score as well. This essay though, may not score higher than a 4 due to the missing prompt elements in the essay.

Scholarship / My essay for an OFID scholarship application to do my masters at UNESCO-IHE [6]

Joseph, don't tell the reviewer what you expect to learn and be prepared for after you complete your studies, explain to the reviewer how you plan to utilize the theoretical and practical skills that you will acquire during this period of education. This is a post study plan that you have to write. Indicate your career goals in relation to the problems that you indicated in the previous paragraph. You already know how the program will prepare you for the profession you want to engage in. Tell the reviewer how you plan to use these elements to the betterment of the country. What organization will you join in order to share the knowledge you now have? How do you plan to conduct information dissemination for the benefit of your farmers? What goals do you have in mind for yourself in relation to the advancement of your career? How will this, in turn, benefit your country? Try to respond to these questions in order to develop a better draft response for the prompt.

Speeches / Warren Buffet and stocks. Do you consider this essay as "informative speech" essay? [4]

Have you considered the audience that you are writing the speech for? What is the demographic of the people you will be addressing? What are their interests? Would some of them be interested in financial investments? Perhaps some of them are first time stock investors who are not yet familiar with the tools of the trade? If that is your crowd then yes, this speech is informative and should do a good job of keeping the audience interested. However, if you are going to be talking to a different type of crowd, learn what what their interests are before you write your speech. An interesting speech always takes into consideration the kind of audience and the interests of their audience. Use some examples coming from known figures to illustrate your explanation, or perhaps give an audio presentation of one of Buffet's speeches in the middle or at the start of your speech in order to wake up the audience and gain their interest. There are a number of things that you can do to make this an interesting and informative speech.

Writing Feedback / People have different views on dilemma if people successful in a sport should have higher earnings [6]

The format that you used is wrong. In order to accurately represent the task that you are given for the discussion, you have to take note of the steps that the prompt is asking you to do. The second half of the prompt requirement always indicates the format, order, and representation of the discussion. This is the outline format that you should follow. In this instance, your discussion should have followed the following requirement:

1. Prompt paraphrasing
2. Opinion 1
3. Opinion 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Conclusion

Even though you may share the same opinion as the one in the essay. Your justification must be different and should help to support the opinion that you agree with. This is to show that you understand the prompt you were provided and that you are capable of creating a line of reasoning that does not duplicate the prompt requirement. The personal opinion is a separate discussion as a method testing your English comprehension and reasoning skills.

Scholarship / I intend to apply for the Chevening 2018-19 scholarship - Career Plan question [8]

John, you are required to outline your plan covering a time span of 5-10 years. Therefore, you cannot just present the generalized discussion of your post study career plan. You need to go year by year in the description. Create estimates regarding how long it will take for you to complete each phase of your proposed career plan. Base this upon the difficulties that you might be facing in implementing these career goals and explain these difficulties that could prevent you from speedily progressing in your career plans. You must also work on a more expanded discussion of how the Chevening scholarship will be able to help you and your home country. For this discussion, you can think along the lines of the network that Chevening will be able to help you create and thus, use it to help increase the chances of doing well funded research in an effort to improve the health situation in your country.

Writing Feedback / The most important aspect of a job is the size of money you earn. Big salary vs job satisfaction? [3]

Mohsen, there are a number of reasons as to why you cannot score higher than a 5 with this essay. It all has to do with two simple things, you presented questions without answers in your paragraphs, which is a contradiction of the rules when it comes to writing academic essays, and you used the word "but" in the wrong manner.

When you write an essay of this sort, you are not being prevented from asking questions in the paragraphs. However, you are expected to offer responses to the question you posted either through the presentation of evidence or an explanation of the opinion. In this instance, you failed to do either in both paragraphs. Therefore, your essay lost points in the TA section.

As for the word "But", it cannot be used to start a sentence as per academic grammar writing rules. In order to use the word "But" in the sentence, you need to have first introduced an idea which you are contradicting in the next part of the sentence. It can only be used on the middle of a sentence to connect the two ideas. It cannot be used at the start because there are no ideas to connect at that point.

Scholarship / To be a business woman who is able to help the world. Self introduction for KGSP 2017 [4]

Lin, the focus of your academic background should not include high school information anymore. Those are considered irrelevant in terms of your education because you are now applying for a masters degree course. Therefore, the concentration of your self introduction should only be on your college studies, your accomplishments during that time, any internships you may have had, along with awards from your school. After presenting those information, you should present a professional background for yourself. However, since you are graduating in May of this year, it will be best if you focus on your training and internship programs that are relevant to your course of study under the masters course.

By the way, what is the masters course you are planning to study? Be specific about the masters course and explain why you are going to study the masters degree immediately after graduation instead of working for a few years first. Why is it important that you earn the masters degree this early in your life? Why earn it before you even start your career?

This essay doesn't follow the normal path of a introduction due to your admission that you are just about to graduate. So you have to make sure that your college background is as impressive as it can be in order to make the reviewer consider your application more important than that of a more experienced and professional applicant.

Scholarship / Epidemiology Study Plan for Korean Scholarship [2]

Rossy, this is a very well thought out study plan. It is clear and defines every step of the research that you want to undertake in a related manner. Even a lay person will be able to understand what the purpose of your study is. However, you fell short in your presentation because, although you presented an impressive thesis statement and methodology, there is no reference to the expected outcome of the study. Since you are combining a number of research methods into a new, single model, there should also be a hypothetical result expected. After all, you would not be combining these studies if you did not have an idea in mind regarding the possible results of the tests when done altogether. Represent your hypothetical result and the study plan will be ready for presentation.

Scholarship / My skills and knowledge. SCHOLARSHIP APPLICATION ABOUT FUTURE GOALS [4]

Diga, your response to question 1 is wrong. Do not use that response because it is off topic. The prompt is asking you about the skills and knowledge you hope to gain from your studies. It is not asking you to describe your work and skills. Write a response that is better suited to the prompt expectations. Learn the syllabus, explain how it will help you do a better job. Don't tell the reviewer about your job.

Your responses to questions 2 and 3 are correct so there is nothing to edit or revise in relation to your response to those questions. It is just the first question that you seem to have misunderstood and therefore, offered a different response from what is expected of you. Just work on changing your response to question 1 to an appropriate response and the form will be all set for your use.

Scholarship / Growing up amazed by the diverse culture difference - Study plan for KGSP 2017 [11]

Yes Lin, just use the information that you posted above, with the edits I suggested for your study goal. That is the best way to present this essay. You cannot use the removed information in any other essay because it does not apply to the KGSP essay prompts. It would be best for you to just forget about those paragraphs and instead, focus on developing your post study plan. do not based your post study plan on your goal of study unless your research is related to your future career of the profession that you will be returning to. The post study plan does not always have to follow the template of the goal of study or study plan. The post study plan should indicate the kind of career you will have after you graduate and how you plan to achieve your career goals after you graduate.

Speeches / Warren Buffet and stocks. Do you consider this essay as "informative speech" essay? [4]

Betoche, I can't really visualize the presentation of your speech. It's it a heavily visual discussion? From the looks of it, your essay needs to build a more informative presentation than what you have now. As bullet points that will still be developed into a formal discussion, these are effective guidelines. If this will be the speech itself, then these will not work. It needs a more commonplace explanation that will be understandable to the listener. Always assume that you are going to be addressing people without a relevant background or experience in stocks. Develop the speech from there. Don't rely too much on the supporting video presentations. Try to explain the video content as well in order to make sure that your speech will be understandable to the listener.

Scholarship / My challenge: the order to manage the payroll software to meet the latest Government Regulation [4]

Bagu, while the situation that you represented is very impressive and really shows off your skills as a determined leader, I did not get a sense of how you collaborated with the other departments and representatives in order to resolve the situation. did you really do all of this by yourself without any other assistants? Please be realistic in your presentation and give due credit to the others who had helped you resolve the situation. The problems you faced, although a programmers job, could not be accomplished without the help of others. That is one other aspect of your personality that this prompt requires you to present to the reviewer. Please make sure that you show your team work and collaborative abilities as well in order to create well rounded professional image in the eyes of the reviewer.

Graduate / Motivation Letter in Geo-information for Natural Hazards, Risk, and Engineering Master Degree [4]

Hafiz, improve the presentation of this problem statement by combining the first and second paragraphs into a single new paragraph. This will be your statement of the problem and also double as your opening statement. Your essay lacks elements of the "achieving my goals" in the future response. Such a response is related to the reasons why you chose to enroll in a specific university and the program that you will be studying there. How does their program of study relate to the ideas that you have for the resolution of the problem in your country? Which parts of the study program are most relevant to your interests? In your opinion, why would this program be more effective in helping you resolve issues in your home country rather than studying this in your homeland? The motivating factor here should relate to the way that your country's universities do not have the kind of academic offerings that could help you advance your career to the state you wish it to be in so you have to go outside of your country for the education that you desire to have.

Writing Feedback / Globalization - process of International integration which have its impact on people's life [3]

Globalization can trace its roots back to 1942, when Christoper Columbus first discovered the Americas during his expedition to discover and learn about new spices. Taking the spices to the Old World from the New World, he unconsciously began developing the idea of international trade. Something that brought about a new era of economic and cultural growth. These days, globalization has become synonymous with an international integration of world views, products, ideas, and various cultural platforms. Everything we come into contact with these days, from the clothes we wear to our social media interactions, all have a globalized touch surrounding it. International touches that can either be beneficial and advantageous or non beneficial and non advantageous to the world cultures that are now struggling for relevance in a a multi faceted cultural world.

Scholarship / Letter of Self introduction for KGSP 2017 - Motivation leads to success [3]

Van, please discuss what where you are currently located and what form of employment you have there. You need to make sure that you represent your most recent employment, your skills developed, and its relation to your desire to learn more about the Korean Wave. What is the motivation that pushes you to study in Korea? If it is the Korean Wave then explain how the Korean, entertainment and culture has affected your life and how it changed your mindset regarding your profession. These should be the motivating factors behind your desire to join the KGSP. The reason for your studies in Korea should however, go beyond just the influence of the Korean Wave. How to you hope to grow your skills and what do you hope to learn by studying in this particular university. Since you are applying via the university track, you need to make a specific discussion about your perceived reasons for wanting to enroll in this university. That means that you also have to mention the masters degree that you wish to enroll in since you haven't mentioned it anywhere else in the essay.

Scholarship / Chinese language, research, publications... Study plan for China`s Governmental Scholarship [4]

Dina, there is only one part of this essay that can actually be used as the basis of your study plan. It is the paragraph that start with:

My main priorities of studying in China is to make researches and write publications. ... I want to recognize the differences between China`s and Kazakhstan`s economical policy.

This is the point where you actually began to develop a thesis statement for presentation in your study plan. Unfortunately, the parts of the essay before and after this section are not relevant nor appropriate for a study plan. Using the information I picked out for you, you must now develop your actual thesis statement, method of research, and expected outcome of your research. The closing paragraph should explain how you hope that your time as a student at this university will help you to develop a credible research paper that, after publication, will help all nations to improve in this particular sector. Those are the only necessary and required information for a study plan. What you have at the moment doesn't really reflect the correct method of "studies" outside of the classroom. The study plan has to reflect your continued academic learning even after school hours. The research paper is the best and continuous way to do that.

Essays / Help with a thesis statement... 19th century Europe. [2]

Fayez, in order to write a strong thesis argument for your paper, you still need to narrow down your topic of research. What you know right now is that you want your paper to be abut the negative effects of industrial revolution on public health. Go back to your research and try to find out what the top 5 illnesses during the 19th century were. From that list, narrow it down some more to the ones that were directly affected or caused by the industrial revolution. Then pick the only one, that seemed to have the highest number of casualties during that period of time. Once you have the disease isolated, your thesis statement will be easier to develop. Focus on the contribution of the industrial revolution to the development and potential eradication of the illness. Then conclude by explaining how the illness was either eradicated or placed under control. These steps should help you at least get started with your research.

Writing Feedback / News article about The Pakistan Super League. [5]

Neha, you have all of the required elements of a research paper, not a news article. The reason I said that is because the outline of your information is more historical than current events in feel. So the first thing you have to ask yourself when you start to format your information is "What do I want to say with this article?" Develop the theme or purpose of the article first. After you know what it is you want to accomplish with the article, go through your list of information and pick out the bullet points that best apply to your chosen topic. Then, slowly expand the article from there. Expand it by creating a list of questions that you want to respond to in your article. Focus on the relevant content and then create a detailed explanation of the information using first hand information from your sources. Will this article be solely based on research? If so, then you will have to use citations for your information in the article. Unless your editor wants you to use interview quotes in your article. Consider the instructions you were given for the writing of the news article such as number of sources, if you require actual interviews to represent first hand accounts, and your word limit among other things. Once you have a better idea of how you are expected to develop the article, content - wise, you should be able to create a paragraph form draft of the news article for review and editing.