Writing Feedback / The bar chart indicates the figure of time spent in billions of minutes by UK people on phone calls [8]

To, you have to post the actual essay and the image at this forum. We are not allowed to follow links outside of the forum. There is a potential danger to our computers from viruses, spam bots, etc. which could have a direct effect on how we help the others here. Now, it is not true that you were not able to post the image at this forum. I manage to read and look at the original thread that you posted before you deleted it. For your benefit, I will post the information that I tried to post with the thread that you created then deleted. Here is what I tried to tell you:

To, there seems to be a problem with the image you uploaded as I cannot access it to enlarge the image. Anyway, I was able to manually enlarge it and compare it with the information you presented. Before I delve on the problems of your essay based upon the information from the bar chart, I first have to call your attention a grave error on your part.

There were at least two moments in this essay when you presented information that was not included in the chart. These are hypothetical assumptions on your part to explain certain trends within the graph. Under no circumstances are you allowed to present a personal opinion or assumed data within an essay of this sort. The reason behind this is simple, if it is not in the chart, then the information does not exist. By offering information that cannot be backed up by the data in the illustration, you are misleading the reader and thus offering false information which could have an adverse effect on the final outcome on the way the reader considers the information presented. Such an error can possibly automatically fail you in this test because you failed to follow the prompt instructions. Which by the way, you also neglected to present as part of the text for our consideration. Next time, please offer complete instructions for your essay as the box instructions already indicate that you must include the full prompt instructions with your post.

That said, the highest possible score you could get for this essay is a 5. Mainly because your format, as in the presentation of your assumptions, were inappropriate in certain parts of the essay. Your overview summary is lacking a third paragraph to help increase your task accuracy score as well. Your score could actually be lower than a 5 because of the presentation of non-existent information in your essay. I am being very lenient with your scoring at this point because I am not aware as to how the actual examiner would score you incrementally based on the problems of your work. I am sure however, that you cannot get a score higher than a 5, lower than a 4.

Scholarship / Photography and computers were my fields of interest since my childhood. Self Introduction KGSP 2017 [19]

Abid, what is very obvious from your letter of self introduction is that you did not even bother to read the instructions that came with the application requirements. The KGSP scholarship asks for highly specific information in the self introduction, of which only one part is accurately provided in the statement that you wrote. That's right, what you wrote is a personal statement and not a letter of self introduction. Therefore, you will need to write a totally new essay, a proper self introduction that falls within the required parameters of the KGSP self introduction letter. So what information should be presented within the self introduction? Please refer to the following list of requirements below:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

As you can see, the main focus of your current essay is only on your academic / education field. Since this is a letter that is to be written on a single page, font size 10, you will need to refocus the content by writing a new, more relevant letter of self introduction. Consider yourself lucky, your reasons for wanting to study in Korea from this essay can be carried over to the new version.

I look forward to reading your revised, and more prompt responsive essay as soon as you can develop it. Just post the new letter in this thread so that I can accurately follow our discussion regarding the changes that you have to make. Thanks.

Scholarship / My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa [10]

If you will just change the way that you wrote the word Samsung from all upper case to first letter uppercase and the rest of the letters in lower case for all the instances when the word was mentioned, that will help to remove the impression that you are shouting at the reviewer. I know you mean to highlight the word for emphasis but in academic writing, you should never write anything in caps lock because that is considered shouting and disrespectful to the reader.

Aside from that, you may want you divide the last paragraph into 2 at this point. It is running a bit long and creates a very difficult paragraph to read due to its length. I suggest separating the paragraph at the point that says "The program will give me advanced knowledge in the field..."

Once you complete these revisions, the essay will be ready for submission along with the other 2 essays that you still need to write. Set this aside after correcting it and focus all of your attention on the next essay. This baby is ready to be put to bed.

Scholarship / Study Plan - KGSP scholarship 2017 - Master Degree in Plastic Surgery [2]

There is a need for further specifications in your study plan. While the general idea behind head and neck oncology is represented in your essay, what you need to define, is which area of the head or neck you wish to focus on for your research. Bear in mind that these types of oncology are broad and cover the oral cavity, salivary glands, paranasal sinuses and nasal cavity, pharynx, larynx (voicebox), and lymph nodes in the neck. You need to properly develop a study plan that focuses on only one topic instead of numerous, under researched topics.

As a masters degree student, you are expected to gain an expertise in one field. So, as a plastic surgery masters degree graduate, you will need to focus on one area for your research, but then gain training in the overall field during your internship, slowly focusing on a particular field of specialization over the years.

Which of these areas are the most commonly affected by cancer in your opinion? How devastating are the repercussions of the removal of the tumor? What kind of non invasive tumor removal surgery might you be able to develop based upon research? Or is your goal to shrink the tumor and allow it to simply melt away using drugs and laser procedures? Think of the question you want to answer, develop a possible response, how might that response be best researched, then include that in your study plan. These will cover the goal, the subject, and the details of your study plan.

Writing Feedback / I would argue that dwelling in small village had several merits and demerits. [5]

Hi Ainun. I would like to commend you on the very good job that you did in writing this essay. You showed a great deal of English comprehension skills when it came to addressing the task requirements of the prompt. While your English language presentation was not perfect, it was not stressful to the reader either. It was just enough to get your message across coherently and cohesively. Your word choices were not advanced, but they were not too simple either. The simplicity of your sentences showed an intermediate grasp of how to compose an English sentence.

The main problem with your essay is that your introduction and concluding paragraphs are too short. These paragraphs need to be at least 3 sentences long in order to get a minimally higher score. Writing 5 coherent sentences would result in an increased task accuracy score on your end. Specially since in this essay, you were able to use a number of personal experiences to illustrate your point. The evidences were strong because these were based on personal experience, which displayed an even clearer understanding of the prompt on your part. One point of correction though, you are never to introduce a new idea in the concluding paragraph. That is not allowed because the conclusion is just supposed to end the discussion by summarizing the earlier statements. The academic rules do not allow for the introduction of a new idea in the conclusion because that would require further discussion and evidence in a writing test that only allows for a maximum of 5 paragraphs in the discussion.

Overall, this type of essay would probably garner you a score of 6 or slightly higher, but not lower, in the actual test. You have the potential to get a higher score. Just keep practicing. Don't let up. It will pay off in the future.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Like I said, this essay is good enough to submit. You have done your best to represent your intentions and purpose for higher studies. Don't be afraid to submit your statement of purpose. Provided you have done your best, the essay will work to your benefit. While your classmates may not have had the best grades, do not be fooled into thinking that they got into the university based solely upon their statement of purpose. There adcom has more considerations than just the grades and SOP for the admission of a student. None of which we are privy to. You stand a good a chance as any of the other applicants to get into TAMU. Don't be defeated, you have not received your letter of rejection yet. There is always a good possibility that you will get in. Don't fret about it now. Just focus on finalizing your essay and submitting all of the requirements for now.

Scholarship / 'I am a positive person' KGSP Application Letter of Self-Introduction: Assistance for Proofreading [6]

Kenneth, even in a self introduction letter there is such a thing as too much information. Your first paragraphs provides just that. There is no need to drag the separation of your parents, and the new family that one of them has created into the discussion. Neither is it important for you to mention that your father still supports the family financially. In this letter, the important role that your parents played in your development as a person, as well as their influence on your outlook in life, your dreams, ambitions, and wishes, are the most pivotal pieces of information related to you that they must portray. You will get a better idea as to how to properly utilize the role of your parents in your life if you refer to the other already finished samples of this sort of writing that can be found at this forum. The last 2 sentences that you wrote are no longer necessary for the completion of the self introduction. It becomes redundant when you compare it to the content of the previous paragraph, which would have allowed you to close the essay on a more relevant note. I suggest that you omit those last 2 sentences instead. The rest of the essay that you developed do not have any problems and actually respond in a highly relevant manner to the prompt. You don't have to worry about those parts. They are a definite asset to your application. You just need to work on the 2 parts that I mentioned in this thread in order to create a final, usable version of your letter.

Scholarship / 500 WORD ESSAY EXPLAINING WHY YOU WANT TO STUDY IN FRANCE! [6]

You have to remove your fixation about the studies that you did in Canada. This is the constant issue with your essay that weakens your presentation. In this instance, you can totally remove paragraph 3 because that is a Canada focused statement. Don't focus on Canada. You are not going back to Canada. You are applying to gain admission to a school in France. Two different countries with only one commonality, Canada has some French speaking sectors. That is the only connection they have, which is irrelevant to your desire to study in France. Forget Canada. Removing the 3rd paragraph totally focuses the essay on France and your response to the prompt. That is the best way to respond to it. That is the best presentation for your essay. Do that, remove paragraph 3, and the essay will be set to use.

Scholarship / 'all my sacrifices lead to a reward' - KGSP Graduate scholarship / Letter of self introduction [3]

Montserrat, this is an excellent essay! You have approached the requirements in the best possible manner and you managed to get your desires, hopes, dreams, and ambitions for your future across in a highly clear manner. The fact that you were able to accurately connect your country, your work, the development of your country, and the business that Korea does there to your motivations to apply is also something notable. That said, the essay does still have a few points for correction. These are minor corrections that do not affect the overall essay, but needs to be removed in order to make the essay more impressive.

While we all know that Korea has been facing some difficulties as a country in recent years and months, it is impolite for the student applicant to point that out to the reviewer. Koreans hold their country in very high regard and mentioning their problems may be taken negatively and work against you application. It is best to remove the reference to that in your essay.

Next, the last 2 paragraphs that you wrote are redundant already and do not really work to further benefit the essay in a strong manner. It would be best if you close the essay using the discussion about the university instead. That allows you close on a relevant note and keeps the message and confident tone of your essay prominent at the close of the self introduction.

Writing Feedback / task2; The pros and cons of living longer for human being [4]

Hi Jing, I will admit that this is one of the better developed essays that I have come across in the forum for the IELTS writing task 2 practice tests. In fact, even though there are one or two problem points in the way that you developed the essay, your presentation and clear discussion could probably still help you score anywhere between a 6 and 7 in the actual test. What problems do I speak of?

First and foremost, you use the term e.g. (exempli gratia) in the essay. That is an abbreviation that you should not use in formal academic writing. Specially during an English language based exam. No abbreviations, slang words, or writing shortcuts must be used. In academic writing, the best way to say this would simply have been to use the actual term "for example".

The next problem with your essay is that is does not use easily identifiable examples to illustrate your points. For example, you used Einstein and physics to prove the benefits of living longer. However, Einstein and Physics belong to a field that does not have any obvious benefits to the regular reader. So using another example, from popular culture would have been best. Something like "Computers may have continued to evolve better if Steve Jobs had lived longer", or something along those lines.

Basically, you did a good job in responding to the prompt. The mistakes you make can easily be avoided in your future writing tests. Keep up the good work. You are doing very well.

Scholarship / Scholarship Self-Introduction Essay for KGSP program - I am going to apply through University track [3]

Tai, your essay comes across as weak. Even though you have a pretty solid academic background, gave an impressive point of view about your life, and delivered a pretty clear idea for your future, the essay other parts of the essay do not really work well. The main weakness of the essay lies in the fact that your information is too researched, is based upon the opinion of other people, and does not offer any real potential for your future because of the lack of work experience on your part. The fact that you decided to look up a masters degree scholarship, without any employment existing or self- starter company in mind as the main motivating factor of your desire to study in Korea, makes the application questionable due to the lucrative offerings that the scholarship lists for the student. The reviewer will be aware of that and could very well decide that your application is not worth considering because you fall short on all counts. In order to improve this essay, you need to create an ambition for yourself that the reviewer might actually support.

As a researcher, talk about wanting to start your own research company and how this training is important towards attaining that goal. The reason why you chose to study in Korea should never be based upon the achievements of other people as you indicate in your essay. Instead, it should be based upon the applicability of the course of study to your real life / work scenario. Do not use researched information about the university, do not give sources for the information as well. When you speak of the university, you need to figure out why you want to study there in terms of the main reason that you want to study in Korea. What are the strong points of the university, based upon your major that attracted you?

Now, while we can fix the first two main problems of your essay, you are still facing a huge problem in terms of your work experience. You don't have any. You need to have some research work experience to support your statement otherwise, the method by which this line of study can help you further improve your career will not exist. This is the weakest point of your essay and you need to figure out how you can strengthen it with relevant research related information on a professional basis. This is not a decision that you can come to just because you found it hard to get a regular job in Vietnam. That is the worst reason you can give the reviewer actually. I strongly suggest you remove that reference in the essay.

Scholarship / I have a dominant character with good personality. CHEVENING ESSAY LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCE QUESTION [6]

Sehat, for a balanced recommendation letter, you should try to offer one professional, instead of academic recommendation and one civic recommendation. Since you are a masters degree student, you need to deliver a recommendation letter from someone at your office who can vouch for the importance of this course in your line of work and also, support or validate your claims regarding your work ethic and ability to complete difficult tasks. Remember, you are now a masters degree student, so the college studies you had are considered null and void at this point. The second letter, can use a recommendation from a member of your socio-civic organization. This will be a letter from someone who leads or works with you (as a superior) in the organization or community where you volunteer. Such a letter should work towards praising your personal character and work ethic as well.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Yes. Go ahead and finalize it. It is even better if the university does not have any ongoing research similar to yours in the specific department. This could gain the interest of the reviewer and also, offer you a better chance at acceptance because of the unique thesis that you plan on working on as a student at TAMU. Make sure to highlight the importance of this research in opening up a new field of important research in order to develop a new area of interest in the Construction Management field. When you finalize this, just make sure to proof read for typographical errors such as grammar and spelling. Since we have already finalized the content, there is no need to get my approval for the final version anymore. Just finalize this paper and submit it.

Undergraduate / Waterloo "reasons for choosing" essay - two portions answer [8]

Yes, remove all other references except for the Co-Op. This is a character limited essay so you should remove all irrelevant references in order to allow you to better develop the pertinent and required information of the prompt. The Co-Op response will more than deliver on the required reason for applying to the university. There is no reason to add information to that part because you were not able to personally visit the university. Without the personal observation, everything else will just be a cut and paste of generally known information which will not help increase the relevant information you are presenting in the essay.

In the paragraph that makes reference to your country, remove the parenthesis about the rest of the world. This is a formal academic statement and the way that statement comes across is too informal. Besides, this is a college application, not a masters degree application. So it would be best to keep the focus on your country for now. You can focus on the world in your advanced studies. If you can though, using the free character space, give an overview of how you hope to contribute to the country after your studies. That will respond to the academic / educational goal of your studies.

Scholarship / "Where there is will, there is a way" - my motto. Self introduction for KGSP [15]

Azzaya, first of all, do not write this in an outline form like you have now. The presentation of this self introduction letter, even in draft form, must be in the form of an essay. If you present it in outline form, you will not be in accordance with the required format for your essay. So change the presentation to create a fluid presentation of information that uses the correct transition paragraphs or sentences in order to connect your thoughts and words.

That said, I will admit that the first part of your essay, pertaining to your personal background is an excellent attempt at responding to the prompt. The part about your education needs to be presented properly. Don't start from high school. Expand upon your college education instead. As for your work experience, it cannot be a single sentence. You need to elaborate upon your professional experience as well. That means, you need to discuss the very first position you held and then narrate the other positions that you held until you reached the position that you have today. From that point, you can connect it to your reasons and motivations for applying to the scholarship. It should not just be something as simple as you wanting to study abroad. What is the reason that you want to study abroad? In Korea specifically? The response should be related to your line of study or problem you wish to solve in your line of work.

Your presentation of your reasons and motivations is a mess. You cannot use bullet points in this manner in a formal essay. This is a narrative, not a school project. I strongly suggest that you read the current examples of the KGSP self introduction letter that are posted on this forum at the moment. Learn from the presentation of others and try to reflect the same sort of presentation in your own essay.

Writing Feedback / Artificial environments. Positive and negative sides of zoos [4]

Adam, you have to work on providing the complete prompt summary in overview form. That seems to be a regular problem in all of your essays. In this one, you neglected to present both points of view again, prior to presenting your opinion on the matter. While it is alright to stand in the middle this time, since you are not being asked to take one side in particular for the discussion, you still needed to represent both sides in the summary overview. The examiner doesn't need the definition of a zoo. What he needed to read, was how well you understood and could represent the prompt requirements in the essay opening statement. You have points lost for that.

Additional points were lost when you decided to make a misrepresentation of the pro and con discussion of the facts by making it appear that these opinions were your own. When you are asked to discuss both sides, you have to make sure that the readers know that you are representing a public opinion in the discussion first. Your personal opinion does not come until the second to the last paragraph of the essay.

Then, you lost more points because you decided to discuss your personal opinion on the given topic within the concluding paragraph. As a hard rule of academic writing, which is what the IELTS test is, no writer is allowed to present an opinion or additional information in the concluding paragraph. As the title of the paragraph indicates, it is the end (conclusion) of the discussion. Therefore, all of the facts and assertions have to be made in the earlier paragraphs. The concluding statement is a mere recap of all that was discussed and presented in the essay.

Based upon the problems that I observed within your response essay, I am confident that you would not be able to score higher than a 5 overall. The score was weighted down by the problems in task accuracy, which is a major factor in scoring these essays.

Scholarship / 500 WORD ESSAY EXPLAINING WHY YOU WANT TO STUDY IN FRANCE! [6]

Bryan, you are over reaching when you tell the reviewer that simply studying in Canada and France will make you a person who embodies global awareness. That does not come from traveling to two countries that share a similar heritage and language. That comes from traveling the globe and visiting at least a dozen countries. Rephrase that part to say something else. Don't exaggerate that part. Keep it realistic. The later part about "This exchange program is about more than just going there..." is more focused on you and your potential to gain more usable lessons from the exchange trip to France. I am not clear about how the trip to Canada connects with your desire to study in France. What was it about Canada that told you or influenced you to pursue studies in France? You need a paragraph to clarify and connect the two. Otherwise, the paragraph from Canada to France has a serious disconnection. Great work though. Just a slight tweak to the content is necessary at this point. This essay is definitely better than the first one that you wrote.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Unfortunately, I am not an expert when it comes to the research side of your master thesis project. That is why I was suggesting that you connect it with your college thesis. You will have to do the research yourself when it comes to figuring out if someone else is already doing a similar research. If you want to play safe with this part, you can always look into the current research being done at the university in the line of construction management and align your thesis project with the current work being done by their professors. That way your research becomes an extension of current work and gains an importance of its own as a supporting paper to the work being done by the professors. In the meantime, you can either do the research regarding other research similar to what you want to do or, you can wait till you are accepted and you get a thesis adviser. That person is the one who would best know if your research is already or has already been done.

Include information about the existing research in the field being done at the university. Connect it with the research you hope to do. Make sure that it is clear that you want to work with the existing group of researchers so you can compare notes, collaborate, and assist one another in the completion of your research projects. Whenever possible, make sure that the reviewer knows that you hope to integrate your research with their own work. Possibly changing the slant of your own research if need be in order to create a breakthrough project or research in this field. Since there is ongoing research, you will benefit from the work others have done at the university as you will have a basis for the continued improvement of your thesis statement. If you can find someone, a professor, whose work will tie in with yours, indicate that you would appreciate being mentored by that person because you feel you can learn additional information from him to further improve your own research based upon his previous research work.

Scholarship / After finishing my postgraduate, I plan to go back to my current company - CHEVENING CAREER PLAN [3]

Sehat, this is a very impressive post study plan. Do not change anything about it. It will be sure to attract the eye of the reviewer and the scholarship committee. Even though the current essay is of particular strength and impression, it lacks something highly important that would actually help to make it an excellent post study plan. That is the inclusion of the UK government projects in Indonesia.

You already work for a company that most likely has UK contracts or connections in play for its own development and potential future projects. So you need to connect your post study plan with one of those projects or current contracts. Explain how your education in the UK will help to increase the success of the UK supported projects in your country.

That is a specific and highly important prompt requirement that is missing from this already impressive post study plan of yours. Its inclusion will be highly beneficial to the final consideration of your application so do your best to find the project that can fill in that gap and the essay will be good to go.

Graduate / This is an essay for admission to an American university for masters in construction management. [29]

Ratan, is there a way that you can connect your masters thesis project with your college thesis? Normally, the masters thesis is a continuation of the college thesis due to the pre-existing research of the student that he wishes to continue or define even further as a form of study. Based upon what I have read, it seems like there is a way you can connect the two research topics. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong.

The reason that I want you to connect the two topics for your masters research is because the previous research allows you the room to create an easily measurable or visible conclusion to the masters research project. It allows you more wiggle room in terms of research and experimentation that you would not have it you did not have any previous research results to base your new hypothesis or thesis statement on. If you do a continuing project, the reviewer will be impressed because you have the potential to actually make an impression on the practitioners in the field of construction management, which in turn will create a high profile for the university that supported your masters thesis research. In other words, it could increase your chances of admission.

Scholarship / CHEVENING ESSAY NETWORKING QUESTION: One of my most prominent character is extrovert [3]

Sehat, this essay does not properly represent the requirements of a Chevening networking essay. This is a mere narrative that only explains the exposure that you have had to other people, but does not really portray any event when you were called upon to use the network that you have built. What the essay needs from you is to explain how you built your network and then give an example of how you used it.

That means, the first part of the essay about how you managed to build your network of professional colleagues is usable. However, the later part, where you simply enumerate names and explain why you have to be ready to use the network for your job does not work for the essay. Instead, you have to narrate a specific story about how you were once called upon to use your network or build a network in order to accomplish a task. That will explain how you manage to use your networking skills, usually by using your existing network to expand upon it or build a new network in the process.

Towards the end of the essay, when you address the "future use" of your networking skills, relate it to the network that will be at your disposal as a Chevening alumna. Explain how you plan to use the network to help you improve your work opportunities and also, how you plan to offer yourself up to the network of Chevening members who can help other alumna or current scholars whenever necessary. Chevening appreciates the applicants who know how to pay back the scholarship program via its network of graduate members. So you will just have to expand upon the content of your current final paragraph to better reflect the expectations of the reviewer.

Scholarship / I have a dominant character with good personality. CHEVENING ESSAY LEADERSHIP AND INFLUENCE QUESTION [6]

Sehat, you obviously have much to share in terms of your leadership and influencing abilities. However, you need not explain each notable achievement that you have had in terms of leadership and influencing starting from your college days. Since Chevening is focused on helping to develop the leaders of tomorrow, the most impressive leadership and influencing experience that you should be sharing with the reviewer, will be the actions of a leader in a professional or socio-civic setting. In truth, the settings that you have shared here are too general in presentation and does not offer any real insight into your leadership skills even though you did your best to call your attention to your leadership and influencing skills in your opening statement.

My suggestion is this, pick either a professional or socio-civic incident where you actually served as the leader and primary moving force ( influencer) of the project. Pick the best one that you have. The one that you feel will allow you to best display your leadership and influencing abilities. Thoroughly explain the background of the event, why you had to become the leader, how you led the group, make sure that you explain the difficulties that you faced as the leader, then relate how your influencing skills paid an important role in getting the job done. The reviewer needs to get an insight as to how you handle conflict, how you resolve conflicts in a group or on an individual level, and how you influence those you are leading towards a proper solution to whatever problem exists.

While you did explain or narrate some of these skills in your essay, the fact that you presented too many activities did not allow you to properly present and develop those skills within the context of the prompt. You need to narrow it down to just one, impressive and well developed instance that challenged you to display your leadership and influencing skills. It takes only one to impress the reviewer. More than that and the reviewer will only have a narrative of your skills instead of a justified claim that you actually possess the the ability to become a future leader and influential person in your home country.

Writing Feedback / A lot of technological enhancements have taken place in developing societies [6]

Prasanth, somehow I feel like the prompt that you provided is not complete. Surely there is more to the instructions you were provided than just the topic sentence. It is important that you provide me with the complete prompt instructions you were given for the proper assessment of your essay. Without it, all I can offer you will be an overview of the problems that your work currently presents.

To begin with, you cannot end your opening statement by saying that you will assert a proper conclusion. When you assert something, you do that with a degree of verbal or written force. Why exactly are you doing that in this essay? Aren't you just supposed to discuss the possible outcome of technological enhancements? You do not have an enemy when writing this essay. There is no need to "assert" anything. Again, providing me with the complete prompt requirement will help me to advice you regarding the best way to develop your opening statement / paraphrasing.

Next, nuclear warheads and other nuclear equipment are not considered gadgets. That is the wrong term to use. You probably meant to say "nuclear weapons" or "nuclear arsenal". Do not mistake nuclear weapons for technological enhancements at this point. The essay is asking you consider more basic things than the advanced nuclear instruments, which people do not have regular access to and most developing societies are not allowed to easily access due to the complexities of dealing with such instruments.

Your conclusion is too wordy and confusing. Just state what you want to say in a direct manner. By the way, the conclusion should only repeat, in summary form, the information you already provided with a reiteration of your opinion on the matter. It does not have to be poetic. It just has to make sense to the reader immediately.

Scholarship / Korean dramas and K-pop - letter of self introduction...KGSP scholarship [4]

The thing is, the hopes and dreams should be placed at the beginning of the letter as part of your personal background presentation. Since Koreans are people who give high respect to their family, their friends, their country, and a number of other things, your hopes and dreams should represent not only yourself but also your dreams for others. The hopes and dreams that you have should somehow be connected to your point of view about life. It should not be only for self interests. It should show a side of you that values your relationship with others as well. Your personal desires should somehow connect with the betterment of others and how you can contribute to the improvement of those around you as well. Show them a self-less side as well.

Letters / You took your family to a nearby restaurant. Disappointed with the meal and complain to manager [8]

Hi Jaya, even with the sentence structure problems in this letter, I can tell that you accurately represented the prompt in the best way that you could. It was clear in purpose and explicit in detailing the problem you had at the restaurant. Your desire to have the management take action is appropriate and did not overstep boundaries. I believe that you did well enough with this letter to score at least a 6 in an actual setting. In truth, the way that you addressed the manager in the opening salutation of the letter is acceptable. Since you are unsure of the gender of the manager, but are sure of the position of the person in authority you wish to speak to, addressing the person as "Dear Manager" is acceptable. These days, it is not wrong to simply address the person by his position in a formal letter. It is already an acceptable practice. Good work on that part.

Ethan, I do not know where you got the information that the maximum word count for the IELTS Task 1 writing stands at 150 words maximum. The standard word requirement, at a minimum, meaning the exam taker cannot write less than that number of words in order to get a proper score in his essay, is 150. That is the minimum. It is not the maximum. An exam taker can very well write over 150 words in Task 1 in order to improve his scoring under the LR and GRA band. Which in turn, results in a higher score overall for the exam taker. As long as he writes over 150 words and is able to properly address the requirements of the task, he is sure to get a considerably better score than if he just wrote 150 words.

Writing Feedback / The tendency that youth graduates find it difficult to find a job nowadays [8]

Tram, I know that this is a topic for the IELTS Task 2. Now, I have an idea as to what the prompt you are trying to respond to is. However, unless I get the full prompt directly from you, I cannot be sure that what I have in mind is correct. I want to be sure that I analyze your band scores based on the proper prompt requirements. Please do me a favor and post the full prompt as it was provided to you so that I can better assess and score your work. Right now, I will offer you general comments on your obvious writing problems.

The first problem that I see with your essay is the inconsistency in the way that you write the paragraphs. Sometimes you use a capital letter to start it, sometimes you don't. Be consistent, all paragraphs and sentences start with a capital letter for the first word. Don't forget that. all words after the opening word are written in lower case.

Next, you need to make sure that your summary paraphrasing falls within the prompt requirement of 3 sentences minimum. Needless to say, the first paragraph is too short, along with the third paragraph. Both do not fall under the required minimum sentences. The final paragraph of your essay has the opposite problem. You should never have a concluding paragraph more than 5 sentences long. You are only supposed to reiterate the discussion made in the earlier paragraphs and that can be done in around 3 sentences, when presented properly.

Letters / Write a letter to your friend to tell him about how to protect the environment in your area [5]

In addition to what Jaya said, the letter is also supposed to be addressed to a friend so the letter needs to have a friendlier tone. In the first paragraph, you can ask your friend how she is doing. Tell her you were pleased to get her letter and that you would like to see her again. Say some friendly things before you introduce the discussion about what to do for the environment.

When you move to the next paragraph pertaining to the environment, make the letter more engaging by discussing activities that you can do together during her next visit or when you go to visit her. While the essay asks you to consider a serious topic, the friendly tone and connection between friends should not be lost in the discussion. The talk about the environment is meant to be the strengthening topic for your friendship.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

If you did not bother to get actual work experience in an office or academic setting, you definitely have a problem because the requirement for the applicants is that you have actual formal work experience. However, if you can somehow make it sound like you were self employed during the time, you might be able to convince the reviewer that you have out of the office work experience. That said, do not tell him that you focused on developing your English skills during that time. Write what you can to make yourself sound professional then we can review it to see if we can improve it to your benefit somehow. Do not present any information that is related to research that you did outside of your major. You need to focus solely on building up your academic and professional skills based upon your college major. Let's see what else we can do to improve the essay after you work on the major revision. Everything else is minor when compared to your lack of professional experience.

Essays / Civil service in Korea. KGSP Self Introduction Content [20]

Kai, look into the current business ventures that the Koreans have in your country. Connect those business interests with your desire to attend the KGSP as a student. If the Koreans are doing business in your country, then you can use that as one of the strong motivating factors for your reason to study in Korea. Say something about how having Korean investors in your country means that you need to understand how and why Koreans do business, locally and internationally, in a certain way. As such, you know that you will have to immerse yourself in the Korean business community in Korea so that you can gain the degree of understanding required as a businessman dealing with Korean counterparts.

Your current paragraph is repetitive and does not really push the essay forward in an informative and engaging manner. By changing the topics being discussed / presented within the paragraph, you will be able to further gain the attention and interest of the reviewer. Always go for specific information. Do not be generic in presentation because that makes the reviewer wonder if you actually know what you are getting yourself into. This way, you show the reviewer that you have a direct interest in Korea, your education, and your future.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

Rossy, this is a simple self introduction that faces a severe problem when it comes to justifying your professional experience in relation to the KGSP. It is apparent that you do not have any relevant professional experience to speak of since you indicate that the only profession you have at the moment is that of a Math tutor. That is not impressive enough, nor does it have a direct connection with the scholarship program.

While I will not advice you to remove the reference to your tutoring job, I am strongly advising you to build up a more impressive work resume. Without an impressive work folder, your application will not be as strong as it should be. There will be other applicants who have actual, real world work applications for their Math degree and you will have to compete with them. Your current professional listing is not competitive enough. So you have to work on improving your professional presentation. I suggest that you discuss your being a teaching assistant and a tutor in one paragraph. This will help to create the image of a somewhat strong professional foundation for your interest in Math.

Don't you have any notable student work experience that you can present in the essay? Something that shows your potential as a mathematician and your ability you grow in this position in the future. Volunteer activities related to your profession could work. However, it lacks the necessary career progression / skills attained on the job that the professional description requires. Have you worked as a Math teacher at the very least? I am worried that the rest of the essay will be pulled down by your lack of professional experience. That is why I am asking you to focus on improving that part of your self introduction.

Graduate / My Statement of Purpose for MSc Information Systems at King AbdulAziz University, Jeddah, KSA [3]

Haris, I believe that you have chosen to present the purpose of your study at the start of the essay. However, the paragraph remains too short and not very informative. The information should be more comprehensive in scope and explanation as to how it relates to your current employment and future undertakings. Without that information, the paragraph does not really offer any remarkable information regarding your purpose for study. .

Since this is a statement of purpose, when you mention that you are active in organizations, these organizations have to be mentioned by name and also, be connected with your current line of employment in order for it to actually be of consideration with your application information. If the organizations do not relate to your work, then it would be best to reserve that information for the personal statement essay that should accompany this application.

So you completed work on a scientific paper? Was it published? If it was, then you need to highlight that information as part of your skills. Mention the article title, the publication, and the date of publication, along with a summary of the topic you discussed. Being a published author is always a notable accomplishment that the reviewers tend to take note of.

In the portion where you explain why you are interested in enrolling at KAU, remove the more commonly known information and instead, present specific reasons that you chose the university. Mention the training programs, specific professors you hope to learn from, or any important or unique asset of the university program that you feel will help enhance your skills upon graduation.

The rest of the essay content is acceptable and relevant enough. However, you do not really need the current last paragraph to close on. That information is best suited for your personal statement (if required). Keep the focus of this paper only on your academic, professional, and purpose side of the discussion.

Scholarship / Born in Mexico City, moved to United States at age of 8. KGSP Self Introduction for Graduate School [3]

Carina, your essay lacks focus and a clear purpose for your study. This is nothing but a highly confused personal statement that does not deliver all of the important aspects as required of you by the prompt. Your study background is too confused. Try to discuss it in a manner that covers only one paragraph and concentrates on only one field of study which is Asian History. Rather than explaining so much about your extra curricular activities, try to focus more on your professional background, if any. Please refer to university accredited work experience such as internships and on the job training if you do not have any actual work experience to speak of yet.

Try to limit the information about your switching courses before finding the right one because that makes the essay excessively long without actually being helpful to your introduction or purpose for application. Most of all, format the essay properly. Use paragraph breaks to split up the content by topic. This will make it easier for the reader to review and consider your application information.

Most of all, create a definitive purpose for your studies. That is tremendously unclear at the moment due to the number of possible "purposes" for your application. Weigh all of your options in terms of the purpose and present only one, strong, and convincing purpose with a solid supporting argument for it. The argument that you have here in terms of your motivation and reasons for studying in Korea are good. It is purpose that needs to be better presented.

By the way, please create a paragraph that explains how your interest in Asian History has helped you to create a point of view about life and explain it further. You neglected to address that part of the prompt in the slew of information that you presented. Double check your essay for any missing information related to the prompt requirements. Then remove any unnecessary information as well, also based on the prompt requirements. Those procedures will help you present a clearer essay to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / My career path is not straight. College Transfer Essay - Statement of Purpose [2]

Morgan, try to focus on the actual purpose behind the reason for your transfer. If you are transferring based upon the desire to become Kinesiologist then the whole statement should lead up to that point. The way that you started the essay is good. Showing your indecisiveness up to a certain age. However, it could have been better if your continued it on to the point where you came to realize that Kinesiology is the course for you. What motivating factors led to this decision aside from your finally passing Physics with an A-? There is no clear extenuating circumstance that proves your determination to succeed in this course. Everything that you mentioned are past mistakes of a foolhardy teenager. There has to be a more compelling circumstance that led you to this decision. Perhaps a realization that you have a medical calling but you still want to involved in the world of sports somehow? The essay basically lacks a climax. The point where everything turned around for you and gave you a purpose to pursue this field of study. I know that you can come up with this reason. You just need to give yourself time to find that purpose. Maybe you will find it in the revised version.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

While I am not very familiar with this topic, I believe that there are a number of subjects that you can as use a specific thesis topic for this research. Some of the topics that you can do in relation to this thesis statement include:

1. Word Sense Disambiguation based Query Expansion - social media
2. Connectives and Phrases based Sentiment Analysis - Google
3. Natural Language Independent Knowledge Representation - bot prevention (?)

Any of these 3 topics can be actively and accurately used for data mining research specially in the area of field intelligent filtering. It is important that you do extensive research on the suggested topics in order to find out which one of the these topics will be best suited to your skills and available materials. Use the suggested topics as the basis for your further research into what will become your specific thesis sentence. These are all topics that can be researched and used as a senior thesis.

Undergraduate / Waterloo "reasons for choosing" essay - two portions answer [8]

Sal, you mention that you observed the campus activities via its staff, students, and alumna. It stands to reason that you have actually visited the campus. Am I right? If you did, then this answer is on the right track. You just have to mention that you actually visited the campus and when. Based upon those observations, you can expand the information in your essay to become specific to each point that you mentioned. That will in turn, create a highly informed idea o f the reasons behind your decision to apply to the university. While you do have a character limit, you have to be specific with your reasons. You cannot just enumerate reasons without basis. The reviewer wants to know if you have actual knowledge about the university and how that has influenced your choice. Try to deliver a more specific response with the next version.

Don't tell the reviewer that you have not visited the campus and that your information is based on research. Most specially, do not follow it up with such a generic discussion of the university attributes and offerings. It sounds like you just took the information from the website. The last thing that you want to do in this statement is sound mechanical. The last half about how Waterloo can help you achieve your goals is close enough to responding to the prompt requirement. You just need a better sounding reason for applying to Waterloo. Just talk about how you hope to use the Co-Op to help you gain work experience while earning a degree. Give a short explanation as to how you plan to use that to your benefit. Combined, the information should be enough to justify your educational goals and interest in enrolling at Waterloo. It will remove the mechanical nature of the response you posted above.

Scholarship / I have grown up with a great passion for learning foreign languages - self-introduction letter; KGSP [5]

You have a problem then if you are graduating in August. It is too soon for you to apply to this scholarship because you will be up against some of the most professionally qualified applicants. Since you don't have any professional experience to speak of, you will definitely lose major consideration points. The only way I can think of to get around the professional experience requirement would be to offer information on any relevant internships and training that you may have had as a student. Do not use the tutoring experience. That will not be considered a real qualification on your part. If you have any sort of professional training while a student, then mention that in the application. We might be able to make it suit your needs for the professional background.

Scholarship / Korean dramas and K-pop - letter of self introduction...KGSP scholarship [4]

Pinky, this is a pretty interesting draft. I call it a draft because there are still a few elements missing from the essay. For starters, I don't read any reference to your point of view about life and how you came to develop that point of view. What are your hopes and dreams for yourself? How do all of these elements come together to help the reviewer understand who you are or what you have become? Let the reviewer into your life. Allow him to take a peek at your personality. These are elements that he will consider as he analyzes your possible abilities that can help you better immerse yourself into the Korean community. It isn't just an academic introduction you have to present. You need to introduce your private side, to a certain degree as well.

In reference to your reason for studying in Korea, remove the references to K-pop and Korean food. The strongest reason you can present has to do with your participation in the KOICA event instead. I do not know if you are familiar with this but, almost all of the applicants to the scholarship fall back on Korean pop culture and food as the reason for their wanting to study in Korea. So the reviewer will be fed up with that line of reasoning already. Be unique. Show that you became interested in Korea through a different, more serious avenue instead. After all, you are not applying to become a member of a K-pop band, you are applying to gain acceptance to the academic world. So allow your reason to reflect just that. An academic reason based upon professional exposure at an international event. Avoid pop culture references as much as possible.

Scholarship / I have grown up with a great passion for learning foreign languages - self-introduction letter; KGSP [5]

Amel, are you applying for the KGSP straight out of college? You do not mention any work experience in the essay. The work experience is a highly important part of the self introduction because it shows that you have a relevant professional background that has prepared you for the demanding rudiments of the course. Not to mention, it offers an insight into the real world application of your masters degree upon completion. All of the applicants to the program have a tremendous amount of notable professional experience to present to the reviewer. If you don't have any related professional experience, you may lose your chance for consideration.

I noticed that this essay is just a mixture of the different essays that you have been working on for your other applications. I have to tell you right now that by doing so, you are assuring yourself of not getting considered for the scholarship first round of applicants. That is because you do not properly address the necessary requirements of the KGSP scholarship. It is almost as if you just heard about the scholarship then did not even bother to find out if you can truly qualify for the program or not. The base requirements for the self introduction letter, which you failed to present are as follows:

- your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
- education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
- motivations for applying for this program
- reason for study in that country

I do not read any real motivation for you to apply for this program based upon your educational background. You do not even have any pertinent professional experience that could convince the reviewer that you deserve to get past the first round of considerations The way you introduce yourself right now is weak. Based upon the required elements of the self introduction, you do not really present any information pertinent to the application.

Your reason for study in the country and motivations for applying to the program are not original in content or presentation. You should connect the self study part to the one year Hangul training that all scholarship grantees must pass through along with taking the qualifying TOPIK exam. Just say that you are doing some self preparations language-wise in order to ensure that you will not have a hard time during the one year Hangul training and that you will pass the TOPIK exam during your first try.

You need to work on an original self introduction letter. You cannot take bits and pieces of your other applications and hope that you can sew it together to work for this one. The KGSP grant is one of the most difficult grants a student can qualify for. So you have to apply yourself, do your best, and try to distance yourself from your previous application essays if you are even to stand a chance for consideration for this scholarship. The current essay is so irrelevant that it will not make an impression on the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Waterloo "reasons for choosing" essay - two portions answer [8]

Eiad, since you did not really mention what your chosen major is, when you were required to present it, the discussion you presented is not very good in terms of delivering on the information expectation of the reviewer. Before presenting the electrical problem in your country, you first have to mention what your major is and then relate the major to the problem your country is experiencing. You will need to revise the content of the essay in order to include the reference to your choice of major and most likely, limit the personal reason for choosing this major. After all, the personal side is not a required response in the essay.

Provided that you represent the response for the educational goal, interest in your chosen program, and reason for choosing Waterloo, your response will be more than acceptable. It will not be acceptable to the reader if there is one component of the prompt that is missing from the essay because you chose to discuss a topic that is not required of you.

In my opinion, you should remove the social matters reference, as well as the personal side. Improve the side about you wanting to help your country by mentioning your chosen major and what role you hope to play after graduation. That is required information that you forgot to include. Basically, I think you need to write a new statement. One that better addresses the prompt requirements alone and does not deviate by presenting unnecessary information to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Critique on literature Review Introduction on Carbohydrate feeding on exercise performance [3]

Amanda, make the second paragraph the first paragraph instead. The actual topic paragraph is located in the second paragraph. So that should be the opening statement of this literature review. If you reverse the positions of the current first and second paragraphs, you will create a stronger review. Another option to improve this review is if you totally remove the first paragraph from the presentation.

You don't have to define what makes up carbohydrates because the readers of the article are more than familiar with the components that create it. Focus instead on the effects of Carbohydrates on exercise performance. If you use just paragraphs 2,3, and 4, the literature overview becomes more interesting. Just expand upon the information in the short paragraphs in relation to your understanding of the overview in order to create a more concise literature review.

Right now, paragraphs 3 and 4 falls short in terms of delivering on information from the original article. Try to find more relevant information in the original article to include in the literature review. I have not read the original source but it seems to me that there is still more information to be taken from the original work for presentation in the literature overview. The more information you present, the less redundancies and need for paraphrasing you will have.

Unfortunately, what you are asking us to do for you is the partial research content for your paper. Which is not what we do here. As you can see, we have already offered you advice as to how you can best reformat the paper to suit your needs. That is what we do. We offer advice and guidance. We do not offer topic sentences to complete your work or any other area of writing that serves to make us do the work for you. We are not a writing service. If that is the service that you need then you are at the wrong place / forum. We are here to help you make your writing better and we do it for free. That means you still do the legwork in terms of research and actual writing. We merely help you improve what you have already done or correct any mistakes you made.

So as far as your topical sentences and the rest of your essay goes, you have to do that yourself because you are the only one who knows the background of your research, its related information, and the ultimate outcome of your research. As such, you should not find it difficult to deliver personally on the topical sentences because this is all part of the preliminary research that you did when you chose this literature to review.