Graduate / Specialist Hospital, Software Engineer - MPH Personal statement [4]

It encouraged me to take up a position as a volunteer in Westchester Medical Center, NY. The experience gained here has renewed my hopes and aspirations of working in the medical field as a health service administrator.---I think you should move these sentences to the beginning of the second paragraph.

And it would be even better if you could cut these sentences and mention the volunteer work in a different sentence, because I think you are still over 250 words... and in these sentences you use a lot of words without accomplishing anything except to mention the volunteering.

Oh, I see that you mention the volunteering again later. Good. Cut the sentences above, because they are "fat" on the essay. They are not helpful.

So... that is how to trim away the fat.

Another way is to always cut "i believe"
I believe m Many of these aspects are just as important in the medical industry, and I hope to take full advantage of this experience as I pursue my medical career.---See? it is always stronger without "I believe."

Okay, please find time to help some other essayists and give them your ideas about their essays.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Olevel: Internet/Computer harm or not? [8]

Yes, that is what I mean. But it is not my favorite way to write a thesis statement. My favorite way is to think of a sentence that expresses the whole truth of the essay. For example, if someone was not going to read the whole essay, how could you make your point in a single sentence?

But in this essay, it is really a good idea to use a list, just as you mentioned.

...does more good than harm for the various reasons because of it's facilitation of communication, trade, and the sharing of information.

Writing Feedback / About me: Sri Lankan but was born in Australia - my first paragraph [5]

Ethan, I'm so glad you are participating here. You are correct to try to catch the reader's attention. But how will you do it? No one cares where I was born or what the details of my background are. They only care about themselves! :-) So give them an intriguing sentence that makes them feel interested:

My life is full of contradictions. My name is Ethan Kody. I'm Sri Lankan, but was born in Australia. My favourite subject is maths, but I still enjoy english English. My schooling life has been great so far. At my previous school, Buckley Park College, I was strong with English and was an 'A' Grade student. However, I have had many experiences with the language, and I have many weaknesses as well.

Look at all the commas I added. When you use "and" or "but" you usually should use a comma. Not always, but usually.

Google this: how to use a comma for a compound sentence

Writing Feedback / Museums are the buildings that preserve objects of importance [7]

...and master pieces from...

the history for the benefit of the future generations .

and has some of the rarest collections, like the ...

Comma:
Therefore I believe that museums are the links between our history and our future, and one must visit museums to learn from our past to improve our future knowledge and needs innovations.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The invention of microwave has brought dramatic changes in the cooking process [2]

Use a comma before "too" when it is at the end of the sentence:
... in the food industry, too.

...totally a subjective matter when you assess the nature of any given change. take this change as .

In this case, use "the microwave" to refer to "microwave" as a phenomenon:
The invention of the microwave has...-----This is just like when we say early humans invented thewheel.

... for a few seconds and food will be ready. ---Yes, but in this paragraph you can also mention the "cons" of using a microwave. It destroys nutrients and changes the molecular composition of food!

In this essay, it is very important to talk about the arguments other people would make against your argument. For example, if you talk to someone who wants to be healthy by eating only RAW FOODS that person will tell you that food tech has NOT benefited us. Google this: Benefits of a raw food diet

And look at this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raw_foodism

Also, google: dangers of microwave oven

If you discuss the arguments someone would make against your argument, your paper will be better. As of now, you explain benefits of food technology, but it leaves questions unanswered.

Google this: how to refute the counter-argument

:-)

Writing Feedback / modern technology; everyone follows the culture of his own [7]

life styles one word
lifestyles

Use an apostrophe to indicate "it is" ---> it's

The technologies are have been growing, developing, and advancing since the humans have inhabited the land, but did the culture change and turn into a single culture? In my opinion the ...

I don't know, Sharma. I think technology changes culture a LOT! Culture changes all the time, and technology changes it even more than other influences.

Hey, I want to tell you that "too much" seems wrong at the beginning. When something is "too much" it means that it would be better if it was less. But I think you are saying something a little different than that.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The advanced technology help students easily learn knowledge. TOEFL essay [6]

You need an s:
The topic of people's views on...

... helps students learn...

... from the Internet, online lectures, or BBS.

In addition, students can get wisdoms wisdom from different sources. ways .

That is not to say, of course, that the technology always does good to for students.

However, I think the reasons I have provided in favor of my points of view are stronger than any reasons to support the opposite view.

I hope these ideas help you! Try to find every change I made and learn why it was necessary. Good luck!! This must be hard, because 30 minutes is not a long time.

Undergraduate / "Economics and Mathematics as a single major" - Columbia short essay [3]


Right after this sentence, I think you should have a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph.

To make room, you can cut all the stuff about the cricket club. If they only allow you a little bit of room, you should focus on your academic interests, which you did very well!!

:-)

Book Reports / Essay about the differences between "the world on the turtles back" and genesis, help [4]

Two differences between the Genesis passage [name passage here] and "The World on the Turtle's Back" involve how the world was at its beginning and how man was created.

... was nothing in on earth.

This shows how the right-handed twin made man.

Otherwise in Genesis, "T he LORD God formed ..."
Do you see that I capitalized the T above? Capitalize the first word of every sentence you quote! :-) You quoted a few sentence, but you did not capitalize them.

Great job! I know it is hard to write in a new language.

Undergraduate / the medical health aspect of nursing, CRNA degree [2]


This is a nice theme, Courtney.

I want to tell you that it is important to write in paragraphs instead of just using one paragraph. If you have more than a few sentences, use at least 2 paragraphs. It helps the reader to think clearly about the theme.

What I see in this essay is an assertion that you are a serious student dedicated to helping others. BUT I think you can show something more. Read some articles about anesthesiology and recent developments related to your interests... and read about philosophy of nursing. Read some articles, and let your essay show that you are interested in current topics in the field. It's easy and interesting! :-)

Writing Feedback / toefl topic: take one additional thing for a trip [3]

...and video to store my best moments . When I go travel, I surely have chance to open my eyes with beautiful scenery and exciting people that I meet in this journey.

These experiences are able to bring wonderful time that I want to store, so in my afterlife, whenever I watch these photos and videos , I am likely to smile with myself and remember interesting memory memories which I have experienced.

In short, reminding me of family, storing memories, and satisfying dreams are major reasons for my choice.

:-) Great job!

Writing Feedback / O level: cloning is a science disaster to come. DYA? [6]


Yes, but can we really give up the opportunity to learn what it can teach us? How strange this question is!! Yet, I agree with you: it certainly is uncertain, and in its uncertainty it is ethically questionable.

Okay, I am having a hard time finding corrections to make, because you write so well. I found one, though:
In contrary, supporters of cloning argue... On the contrary, supporters of cloning argue...
In English there is an expression: On the contrary, ...
So, do that instead.

With cloning, people are able to slow down their aging process as the old body parts can be cloned and transplanted into their bodies. ---Yes, when we are going to die, it is hard to resist the temptation to use cloning to make new organs.

Did you really make a case to support the idea that it is a disaster waiting to happen? A disaster is an event that suddenly causes a big problem. The problems you mention are gradual ones, so maybe "disaster" is the wrong word. You might want to say that at the end of the essay. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - pros and cons; working or traveling before starting university studies [5]


Good point!

I also want to thank you for all the work you have been doing here, Maryam. You help people a lot, and it must take up much of your time when you are working with their essays. We appreciate you!

You have an intro and conclusion that are both very short. The intro and conclusion both give the main message of the essay, and therefore, they should be full and meaningful. At the beginning and end of an essay like this, you should give one meaningful observation... something interesting and special. It is the RESULT of the contemplation you did for the essay. It is not enough to just say you think it is good to take a break and get perspective... share a sentence that includes your special insight, the conclusion you find after deeply considering this issue.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE-AW-Argument-Secondary infections and muscle strain [4]

Hey, you did a great job with this. Another point that might be important enough to write about is that there are negative effects of taking antibiotics. The negative effects probably outweigh the positive effects.

I also want to mention that you wrote a very short first paragraph. One good way to add to that first para would be to list the points you are about to make in the paper. It is not enough to just mention that there are fallacies. List them in a sentence at the end of that paragraph. :-)

I think the ending is very good, too, but again it is a little short. Add a few sentences to the intro and conclusion, and the whole essay will become more meaningful.

:-)

Writing Feedback / A university education should be provided free of charge to all the interested [3]

You wrote "should be" 2 times in that first sentence. It can be more efficient, like... Oh! I see that Maryam already fixed it... :-)

Okay, let's see what else...

So to give this education for free to some students would be an injustice on the part of the others.

In my opinion, i If the students will not pay for their education, then who would pay for it? That is a big question that requires an immediate solution. ----Well, if high quality education was free to all, it would be more difficult for the big financial interest groups to steal the nation away from the people. Educated people are harder to control, so I think there are some interest groups that would rather have everyone stay uneducated! :-)

Thus it can create further confusions confusion in the society. ---Confusion is not a word that needs an s. It is like water. You can have a little water or a lot of water, a little confusion or a lot of confusion.

For example, if the government would pay for students' education then they will extract the money from public only by increasing the taxes and this can further complicate the situation.---But if education is expensive, only the wealthy families can provide it to their children.

I believe, that there is no good thing that we can get for free in the world.---Great ending!! Your writing is very good and has just a few small errors.

Writing Feedback / GOOD NEIGHBOR (reliable, trustworthy, with a sense of humor) [3]

Some are vey very positive, while there are others who can really make your life miserable.---That is so true!

They are extremely good vigilant and always keep a watch when there is no one at home.

I will fix this sentence below so that is says "people who can make..."
In addition to this I feel that good neighbors should be very friendly people who can make you feel refreshed after a long hectic day, and whenever you talk to them it sooths your mind.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cambridge Centre for Sixth form Studies (interests, achievements, hopes) [4]

Use a comma for this kind of sentence:
'You have to do something, Abdullah'.

One Some of my favorite writers has to be include Robin Sharma, Sherman Alexie, and Nadeem Paracha (A local writer known for writing sarcastic articles on current affairs in local papers).

Capitalize: Internet

Try using the commas this way: English has always been one of my favorite subjects, and if given a chance I'd love to write a book someday.-----You do have the chance! Write a useful ebook about what you know best! :-)

I am so impressed! Surely, they will accept you. :-)

Writing Feedback / Getting advice from friends who are older than you is more valuable [4]

Use the word standpoint, not standing point.

From my standpoint, I prone to regard senior friends' advices more valuable, because __________________- (Sum up your reason in that sentence at the end of the first paragraph, and then use the rest of the essay to explain it.)

... would receive multi-faceted and considerable suggestions.

...her bachlor bachelor degree, he or she often ...
Nice job! You have some very impressive sentences, and your mistakes are inconsequential. :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE-AW-Issue-Faculty, practical experiences, working outside the academic world [2]

Faculty members can have first-hand perception and unverstanding understanding of the demand from the industry through their participation in the operation of the industry.

... contents and key points will, thus, become more clearer.

In the past years, my data collection reveals that faculty members with strong related industry backgrounds tend to surpass in teaching evaluation the faculty members with little or no similar experiences. ---Are you really in a position to collect such information? This makes it sound like you are conducting a research study. I think you should say this instead: ...In the past years, my observations reveal that ...

The teaching of skills is not cultivated in ... real world life what do you mean to say here? I tried to fix it, but I don't know what you mean to say...

That last sentence in the essay is very astute, but I think it is important to add a conclusion paragraph after that. Add a paragraph to summarize your points and restate the main idea. :-)

Writing Feedback / Schools should fund the classes and extracurricular activities with the same money [8]

Some people believe that sports and social activities should...

My perspectives will be delivered as follows. I don't know why people end their intro paragraphs like this. You should not just say you are going to tell your opinion. In fact, it is not even enough to state your opinion. You have to give your opinion and your main argument in favor of it. Do that in 1 or 2 sentences at the end of the first paragraph. It should have a sentence that contains the meaning of the whole essay, the message of the essay.

You should write about whether these 2 interests actually require the same amount of money. Include a paragraph that talks about whether they have equal costs... Perhaps both should be funded adequately, but perhaps one requires more money than the other.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Children to bring about a better society" - ISSUE 130 [4]

I think it should say natural:
... from a natural entity to a social entity.

The process is known as socialization.Children's socialization is the first step of man's humankind's socialization.

The speaker claim claims that society's destiny depends...

If you quote a sentence, capitalize:
Nevertheless, "How children are...

socialized determines the destiny of society",this view is too one-sided and extreme.----- and how will we make your case in point? To be honest, there is much meaning in the assertion that it determines the destiny. That is why education is the foundation for society's development. We in America have a political system controlled by wealthy interests, and these interest groups finance campaigns so that they can get politicians elected who will promote their agendas. Therefore, they do not want the young generation to be educated. If educated, young voters will vote for their own interests. The wealthy interest groups want the masses to be uneducated so that they can be easily distracted, and in that was the wealthy maintain their polyarchy. Ha ha, and interestingly, when I type the word polyarchy my browser underlines it as though it is not even a real word! So... those few powerful people really have us under control!

So is it true that socialization determines destiny? I think it is!

:-)

Undergraduate / cornell supp: "a baby architect" [3]


It might sound more realistic if you do not say "cutting." Who lets a toddler play with scissors? :-)

Okay, the beginning of this... sentence after sentence, you seem to be making a case to support an assertion that you are an elite, brilliant student. That can be off-putting. I think you should add a sentence or two at the beginning that will express an idea about a meaningful value... something to which you have been dedicated. Establish a theme, and you will make it so that all the self-assertion is actually assertion that you are DRIVEN by something special. That is a little different from saying over and over how good you were at these things.

Even though I see to be criticizing, I actually do not mean to suggest that this is not good. It has good energy, and you obviously have a lot of potential!

Writing Feedback / Exploring outer space, governments should spend as much money as possible? [4]

In addition to the very thorough feedback from Chi-han Huang, I want to add a point that might improve your writing.

Say it.
Explain it.
Say it again.

What is "it" ...?
It is your main message. You can say it in 1 sentence. I think you should add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and let it be a sentence that tells your main point.

Then, in the body of the essay you will explain it, and at the end of the essay you will say it again in another sentence that expresses it in a different way.

So essay-writing is like expressing one big idea in a deep, thorough way. Say it, explain it, and say it again.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a long line of merchants and businessmen" - UPenn Essay [2]

a lot...Two words, not one: a lot and made me realize...

what I want to do after graduation.

Thanks, Scott, for all the help you have been giving people!
Maheen, I think you wrote this very well, and your vitality is reflected in the writing style. It's enjoyable to read because of the enthusiasm you express. I think, though, that you can get even more specific about your goals... especially short term goals, and goals that you are currently achieving. Show that you are making a lot of plans based on your values, which can be expressed in a THEME for this essay. At the beginning and end, can you share a concept that helps the reader to remember you? Maybe it will be a concept that represents the main idea of your approach to being a professional: public policy, econ., business, math... what concept connects these all together for you?

:-)

Letters / "Education is my way of escape" - admissions letter [4]

My name is Yohana Tesfamariam, and I was born and ...

...the major tool for achieving success.

Do not capitalize hospital here:
Growing up my mother used to work in a Hos hospital, and as a result of spending a lot of ...

And let's use a colon:
time there I ended up making a promise that one day I would give back to my people by doing one thing: introduce new medical technology to be introduced in order to improve medi cal care.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a challenging project at AAA Robotic Centre, BBB College" Elaborate the information [5]

Let's shave off these unnecessary words at the start:
For my final year project, I had the opportunity to do a challenging project at AAA Robotic Centre, BBB College. Our project group has to design and build an intelligent robot to compete in CCC Robot Contest at DDD Robotic Games. ---By doing that, I take away a piece of information, but it is not a piece of information that helps to show the reader how serious you are. So, we trim it away, and the sentence becomes more powerful.

At the competition, the robot needs to pick up 7 balls, 4 cans and 4 boxes; and deliver to their respective them to a location several meters away.---I changed the end of this sentence for clarity.

And let's keep it in the past tense:
... and won 1st runner up prize which makes made our efforts worthwhile.

:-)

Letters / LETTER: Writing a letter to a bus company, informing them about a bag loss. [9]

This thread is great... I bet it will benefit a lot of people who look at it in the future. Thanks, everyone!

When you have more than one adjective in a row, use commas:

...and big, white text on the rear with the letters "DUM"

Moon, you hosted a great thread, here. Do you still have questions about this?

Writing Feedback / O level: teenage love with study and emotional development [3]

As the society progresses, a variety of social issues also arises to be faced by...

Among those, adolescent affairs have garnered for itself themselves quite a number of concerns, as there is...

so much hope and belief put into the young generation. However, it seems that the bane effects are highly to be signaled than ??? I don't know what you are trying to say here.

... the boon ones and teenage love appears to bring more harm than good.---Ha ha, maybe all love affairs bring more harm than good, but people still have them! :-)

...and double checking it in the mirror may take the whole morning or so.---Ha ha, this whole paragraph is very impressive. You write well!

...might cause the girl to be on cloud nine for the whole week afterwards.

The wreck havoc in grades would be resulted unsurprisingly associated with love affairs is considerable.

Apart from that, pressures from partners' demand also stress the adolescents.--Another excellent sentence!

:-) I guess you get 80% because you have some mistakes. But it is very clear!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-iBT Giving money as praise for children's high marks, good or bad? [3]

Here is a quick lesson about singular and plural. It's easy.
Every parent always wants...
All parents want...
One parent wants...
More than one parent want...
Use an s if there is only one.
He wants his children to....
They want their children to...
We want out children to ...
It wants its children to...
All parents want their children to succeed in their lives; however, parents have to let their children succeed in school first.---I agree!

Scholarship / "engaged in researching economy of China" - the reasons for applying [3]

... and other high ranking officials...

were present at that event.

But I feel a necessity in myself to further develop personally and professionally in order to be a professional. ---This sentence is awkward. You should get specific:

But I feel a necessity to build my understanding of _______ and __________ in order to be a professional.

...but also to familiarize myself more closely with the culture, the people, and the places of interest; to raise and improve my level of knowledge of economy of China.

...new friends, and to increase my world outlook.

This is a very impressive essay. Even if sometimes you have an awkward sentence, this style of writing is very enjoyable and clear... and it is convincing. I really get a strong sense that you have a genuine interest in this area of study, and your essay even made me become more interested. That means you are a good writer!

Graduate / My learning Journey - Msc Accounting & Finance at LSE [3]

to do well as well as contribute to LSE during my graduate study.--Unnecessarily confusing... and also, it is not very specific. I think the first paragraph should end with a sentence that say, s"Look, this is what I am all about!" Give a sentence that tells what characterizes your unique approach to your career.

I was born and raised in Indonesia until I was ten w When I was ten, I went to Singapore seeking better education, while my family remained in Indonesia. ---This is how I revise for conciseness.

Right here, you switched to the present tense in an awkward way.. keep it in the past tense: My professors are were experts in their fields, and the teaching programs are were very flexible and diverse. My courses spanned across economics, finance, management and as well as accounting. My passion in finance was further...---Even though it is not inaccurate to use the present tense there, it is unnecessarily awkward.

My professional goal is to have a strong career in financial consulting and finally able to run my own business.---This is not a goal. It is only a goal when you have a business plan. You can have multiple tentative plans, but be sure to speak about one or more rather than wasting a sentence simply asserting that you want to enter a particular field. It is always a waste just to say something very general. Any general sentence can be infused with meaning. :-)

But nevermind that... I was just nitpicking. The essay is already high quality stuff. :-)

Scholarship / BG Scholarship essay on your academic roles and contributions to you school/community [4]

High school is not a proper noun in that first sentence and should not be capitalized.

This has been my goal since the moment I started grade school.---Not an impressive goal! I don't think this helps... I think you should tell about a higher goal, something about what is important to you in life.

I don't think you should make graduation seem like a difficult goal to achieve. Focus on a career goal... something important to you.

...have been giving honor rolls since 6th consistently listed on the honor rolls since the sixth grade.

When you write the word "I" you always have to capitalize it! :-) So... do that.

:-) Let's see another draft! I like the great participation from everyone in this thread, and I bet a lot of learning will happen here.

Undergraduate / "film can express anything" - Film School Essay for college admission [5]

Well, even if you did not get much practice, you did learn to write well. You have great skill with language!

I have always found film making intriguing. Wasted words weaken the essay. This sentence "goes without saying."

My love for technology, cameras, and computers, and my love for creating stories and telling them are two the main reasons that I want to go into film making.

Oh, you are so impressive because of the way you are jumping into the field instead of waiting til after college. Most kids wait until after college to think of enterning the field. So... this is great. But now you have to add some discussion of film makers whose work inspires you... Dreyer, Hichcock, Spielberg... or maybe some of the more obscure ones to really show your interest... can you get interested in reading the bio of Dreyer, for example? That is old film making....

Anyway, I suggest citing some articles or books about film makers.
:-)

Scholarship / (Discuss Family or Personal Circumstance) - Scholarship Essay Topic [4]

This is the part I notice: circumstance interfered with...

That is the target. Tell about the circumstances.

That is the challenge.

But what is your goal? Your goal is to meet the challenge in a way that shows your seriousness about your detailed plan for the next few years... and shows that money IS an issue that will affect your outcomes. Show that you have a plan and need help to make it happen. Show that you are reading all books and articles about your field of interest. That is what makes a scholar "deserving."

:-)

Undergraduate / "Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizon" - Transfer, Common App [6]

This has to be WOULD:
... and heaved a sigh of relief with the hope that I would will get into an...

You write well, and I think this will be successful... but as a rule, it is not as useful to explain the details of your dissatisfaction. The important thing is to show the reader that you are passionate about the work you want to do... and proactive about reading. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Although my daughters are twins" - Contrast/Comparison Paragraphs [4]

Pre media.. that seems wrong. You should check to make sure you do not need a hyphen or something.

only one hyphen here: their two year-old daughter.

This is a kind of run on sentence called a "comma splice":
Kym has a very strong, assertive personality, no one pushes her around.
---Need to start a new sentence after personality.

... never notice her attention???.

Even though they are twins they also look different as well. Kym has always been the larger of the two, even at birth Jacquie was much more petite. better never to mention it! :-)

This is a pretty good compare-contrast paragraph!

Essays / The drinking age should be lowered or stay the same - starting a paragraph? [8]

Sure you can, but it can be sort of a cliche. I do it sometimes, because it is great for optimizing clarity and reader engagement of the material, but... it is overused. Still... if you do it in a very interesting way, you are alright.

This is an interesting question! I tend to think it should not be lowered. Why not let the kids drive sober for a few years before they start drinking at bars? That's what I think. If they get the license at 16 or 17 and then can enjoy driving responsibly for a few years, maybe they will gain valuable experience that will save theri lives when they join the ranks of the barflies.

:-)

Scholarship / A Career in Public Child Welfare - (Title IV-E) Scholarship [3]

What is the deal with that exclamation point in the first paragraph? Is it part of the name of an organization? Anyway, it is confusing and you should fix it!

Also, the first sentence is not energized enough. You write very well, and you certanly are able to find a great, inspired sentence to use at the start of your essay.

IMPORTANT: I saw some help you gave an essayist names Vidyahar in a different thread, and I was very impressed.

At the end of the first paragraph, add a thesis sentence. Can you look at the essay and write a sentence that captures -- in a single sentence -- the truth that the essay represents? Can you say it in a sentence? Put that sentence at the end of the first para.

The first few sentences in paragraph 2 have a good idea, but this all is too simplistic. The first sentence of that para is boring. You should have your own philosophy for reform and social justice, and you should be opinionated and preachy. You should cite articles you have recently read. Go read one for 3 minutes right now just as a way of getting inspired.

You said you wanted nitpicky, so you got it. Do not let any boring sentences have the place at the front of a paragraph. The sentence has to be interesting on its own.

The reason I appreciate you is that I saw in the edit you gave Vidyahar that you really are willing to give of your time even when the reward is not going to be much. That is what happens when someone is truly empathetic, or whatever you want to call it... so we are lucky to have you here, and we are lucky to have you entering the field of SW.

Now cite some articles so the essay will reflect your true aptitude.

Writing Feedback / Essay IELTS: How can the use of private motor vehicles be reduced? [4]

Oh, I'm so happy to have Jennifer here. Vidyahar, Jennifer did something great for you. Please, type the essay again below, and use the changes she made. They are great. If you type it again, maybe you will still have some mistakes. We will find them, and soon your English will be perfect!

Jennifer, I am going to look at your essay right away because I am so grateful. :-)

Graduate / "The Petroleum Industry is the most prospective" - SOP for MS Petroleum Geoscience [2]

As the world of today strives to find new avenues of power resources, the petroleum industry seems to be the most prospective one. Thus I chose petroleum geosciences as my field to pursue. a career of my choice. So, you are a pragmatist. It seems like you are saying it is the most useful... but you do not really say anything to show that you are actually interested in it or that you can enjoy the work.

This essay does not have any emotional appeal. You seem like someone who does not care to express any personal philosophy or ideals... I don't like the way the intro paragraph simply states the facts of someone's process of entering this field. The same words could be written by anyone entering your field. I hope you can find a way to make the intro to this essay a little more personal, and you can also share some of the concepts you have learned that are INTERESTING to you...

As an enriching experience, I'll give you this homework: Google around about logos, ethos, and pathos.
:-)