Writing Feedback / Language Breakdown in Philippines (we have more or less 130 languages) [3]

Great ideas, Lorenzo.

It was widely spoken in our village, and I grew with it.

If there were was a speaker of another dialect, I would doubt that he was a commoner.

He's either having a vacation or just happens to passing by.

Generally, I don't need a dictionary to learn a word since the language had already worn out my ears but, now, I think I need one.---ha ha, I like this sentence!

Keep the verb tense consistent:
It was like forgetting the words of my favourite song. I could not believe it.

Slowly, I had been isolated from other local conversations. As far as socialization is involved, this was not good. ----It seems to end abruptly!

:-)

Writing Feedback / The 50/50 balance in gender? Equal numbers of male and female students. [3]

...on whether schools are supposed to regulate to ensure the same number of males as females. Some believe that a 50/50 balance in every course effectively avoids gender bias, but I tend to disapprove of it.---Great intro! I just made some small changes here.

Obviously, males and females have different preferences on different subjects.

For instance, girls are apt to learn linguistic language, art and so forth, while boys tend to exploit nature science, physics and so on especially on the tertiary education.---I don't know if you are correct! :-) Maybe it is not reasonable to make such a generalization.

As a result, some subjects attract more females while, conversely, in other courses the males outnumber females.

If the mathematics course regulates to ensure the same number of males and females, the number of female students was lower than the number of males, changes would be made to ensure that more females are accepted while rejecting males and preventing them from fulfilling their potential.

:-)

Scholarship / "when I become a full fledge architect" - Scholarship for Architecture [3]

Nice job, here... very profesisonal and clear.
I would make a small change at this part:
...enjoyed my education and work experiences very much, as they have been wonderful and rewarding.

I'm searching for what the real reason is for choosing this school. If possible, show that you have several goals that can be achieved more easily and meaningfully at Deakin.

chose Deakin University because of the Master's program and location of the university itself.---So far, you did not dig very deep with explaining why it is important for you to go to this school.

Over the years, I developed a strong interest in sustainable and green design especially that because I have worked with T.R Hamzah & Yeang who is the pioneer of sustainable design in Asia---Is he somehow associated with Deakin? I want you to be able ot make the reader feel that it is quite important for you to attend this particular school.

Deakin University is one of the top architectural schools in Australia that emphasizes on sustainable, green ---This is pretty cool. So, your philosophy is compatible with the spirit of environmental responsibility, and that makes you a perfect fit for Deakin. But surely it is not the only environmentally conscious school...

Anyway, I know you already submitted, and I'm sure it will be well-received!

:-)

Writing Feedback / People who move out would be more succesful & happier than people living in villages [6]

... life in villages can help people feel happier and...

From my point of view, people go outside are more successful and happier than those who live in villages.----Go outside? I think you need to write a different word there. What do you mean when you say "go outside?"

Oh, I think you mean "go abroad."

All in all, taking into account all honest aspects I have numerated concepts discussed above, we safely arrive...

It is superficial to think that staying in villages can prevent people from suffering due to competition, stress and pressure, because all the frog at the bottom of a well can see is the little piece of sky formed by the rims of the well.

:-) nice ending!!

Writing Feedback / The TOEFL ibt: People who have different interests and personalities cannot be friend [5]

Hi mimminmay, I think you are beyond the level of the toefl, ready to tackle more difficult things. Your English is almost perfect.

Let me suggest simplifying this a little, though:
Last but not least, when a person has a new friend who does not have the same interest with him or her, they can share their different experiences. For instance, the new friend can tell what interesting things occurred when he or she went mountain climbing or went to go travel around the world. ---Great job! Look at the small changes I made.

Although he or she does one friend does not like to do these activities, he or she also considers the new friend to be very interesting.

You spelled minute wrong at the end! Little typo.
Okay, most importantly, do not use him or her too much. His or her and him or her... it is awkward and clunky!

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: ways to measure success [3]

There are so many possibilities in this infinite world that we only have to choose our own concept of happiness and success, which then we will not be disappointed with. ----hmmmm... okay, I need to suggest a change, because this sentence is awkward:

There are so many possibilities in this infinite world that we can choose our own concept of happiness and success; with limitless possibilities, no one needs to ever feel disappointed with anyone.

The main point, in my view, is sometimes to make your intellect keep silent and listen to your heart.---I made a small change. Great ending!

Great job!

Scholarship / Scholarship for MSC PUblic Health Nutrition- how to start? [3]


Oh... this makes your job easy. You have to be on a mission. Show that you have already taken action to help your countrymen. What have you done to improve your country? It can be something small... it's okay. But you MUST present yourself as someone who is determined to transform his society and make a big splash on the nation he comes from.

so.. do it! Muster up a vision for it. You can do other things, too, but if you want this scholarship get focused on raising the standard of living or bringing about some kind of necessary reforme in your homeland.

:-)

Graduate / PhD copy (an application for an Immunology PhD) [3]


Okay, well remember that they had to come up with a question and that they do not even really know what to ask. It's okay... you are qualified! Do not let this trip you up.

Emphasize your lab work, because it is meaningful. Discuss your research project and your other ideas for further research. You need to have confidence, because all these years you have indeed been preparing for this field. Let's see you write something, and be confident, serious, and focused on achieving certain goals that are associated with your vision or plan.

:-)

Research Papers / Research - Atomic Bomb in 1945 & Foreign Diplomacy [5]

Okay, search your library database for truman and atomic. That will get you quite a lot of awesome articles. Here is the trick: forget these questions for now, and just write a few paragraphs about the MAIN IDEA of each article. If you do that, you'll have a lot of meaningful ideas. You will soon be able to easily answer those prompt questions, but for now just start writing paragraphs about the main ideas of some articles.

;-)

Writing Feedback / "The creative arts are as necessary" - arts at school essay [3]

I don't know how to score it! I like you, so I'll give it a 6, but I am a biased judge. No, just kidding... it's just that writing is one of those creative arts, and the quality of art can't be quantified.

While many schools do neglect the importance of the creative arts, they fail to realize that the creative arts are very important to the student's academic progress. ---If you use "while" this way, it makes it seem like you are saying their failure to realize is surprising given the fact that they neglect the importance.

You can do it like this:
While many educators do emphasize the importance of the creative arts, many fail to realize that...

Oh, I see that Lorenzo already gave a suggestion for that part. Yes, that idea is good, too!

Always getting good grades and prestigious awards, it might seem he has the perfect life. He doesn't. The practice of studying past midnight ----Wow, very impressive writing here. You are not desperate at all! Whatever number they give you out of 6, remember that you have a great talent for English writing.

Undergraduate / "Reaching the Interplanetary Level" - Statement of purpose. [4]

Well, I was going to say "yeah" seems too informal... but the flowing style is not necessarily informal. I like this a lot. Here are a few ideas:

Yes, I am enchanted by the astral bodies and stargazing. I cannot answer why? Not even how? When? -------This part, I do not quite understand. The question mark after the word "why" does not seem to belong.

...friends called me an "Owl."---In this case, do not capitalize the word "owl." If they called you Owl like a name, that should be capitalized, but if they called you "an owl" it is a common noun and does not need to be capitalized.

The day I fell down in the assembly, doctors advised me breakfast, my parents packed the video-games and teachers said meditation, still unaware of the fact that this 7 year old boy is found on the terrace at midnight with his telescope. ---I like this so much! One part is unclear... what did the teachers say about meditation?

Having a cent percent attendance...Do it this way: Yet, I had one hundred percent attendance in the midnight classes I had started, observing the pattern of Stars. ----And in this sentence you should not capitalize the word stars.

Do not use &.
It is too informal.

I think you should try to cut about 20% of the content of this so that the only sentences that remain are the most powerful ones.

The competition which I faced in the school hardened the bastion on the roots of my knowledge and Skills. ---Do not capitalize "skills."

Maybe Rajiv is right about it being too informal, but... you seem to have a gift for writing! Keep reading a little every day so that you can hone your skill.

Undergraduate / Soccer: I put on my gloves and race to the playground to help my team - something pleasant to me [18]

What is Saad? Is that someone's name? I think you should not include it. The sentence will be so much nicer without the name. Nothing against him, ha ha... but the sentence will be SLEEK without the name.

I like everything about this! Well, I like everything except the end.
Playing soccer also helps me to relax. I also enjoy working with teammates, and the spirit of sportsmanship. (94 words)
Think about your vision of the future, and think about what soccer means in your life... what has it got to do with your plan for your time at this school or in your career? At the end of the paragraph, make a connection between soccer and your awesome plan. I do not mean you need to say you are going to play soccer in college, but rather... that the things you like about soccer will also be present in your chosen career.

Excitement, competition, camaraderie...

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay about the result of a survey of adult education [3]

Try not to use "I" when you write about this kind of thing:
This chart provides the results of a survey about adult education.

Approximately 40% of them decide to study because of their interest in the subject itself, and also they want to get a qualification, which might be helpful for their jobs.

It also shows that 20 - 22% of them want to study because it can be helpful in their current jobs, and it gives a chance to get a promotion.

Another 20% enjoy learning and studying.

Just 12% want to study to get a chance to change jobs. ---Good sentence

The rest, 9%, just want to meet people during their studies.

The pie chart shows about how costs of each course should be shared. Each can only has have one opinion. Most of them, 40%, opine that the tuition fee shouldn't be shared. -------You cannot say most, because 40% is not most. It is less than half. Most means more than half. So, do this instead: The largest group, 40%, opine that...

Welcome to EssayForum!! You have strong writing skills in English. You just need a little more practice to find your misconceptions and eliminate them. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY : CHILDREN ARE INFLUENCED BY THEIR FRIEND'S OPINION . [4]


I think you should add 2 sentences to the end of the first paragraph. One sentence should answer the first question above, and the other should answer the other question above.

When you used the word ENCOUNTER, it was not correct. That word means something like "MEET." I might encounter a bear when I climb the mountan, for example. Use the word UTILIZE instead of ENCOUNTER in that part of the essay.

I enjoyed your essay, even though it has some errors. I think it is important for parents to communicate with children so that they can exert a positive influence and help the children make sense of the negative influences. You wrote something like that here:

There are several efficient methods that parents can utilize. One of all these methods is to try to instruct children to classify how reasonable their friends ' opinion are. --very good!

Some opinions should be learnt as a life 's experienced, while others should be eliminated.

:-)

Writing Feedback / corrections in my essay "aspects of teenage life" [18]

Oh, I don't know. Writing is art. How can one improve art? Remember, even if you have grammar errors, you have something unique to contribute every time you write. Your linguistic and cultural background combine with English to produce something truly meaningful

If you want to read a book to help you improve, try Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'cannot apply to all occupations' - IELTS: Not forced to retire at a particular age? [4]

Thanks, dumi! I'll do the rest:

Indeed is 1 word, not 2 words:
Indeed, people aged over 60 could feel worthless if they have to stay out of work.----Good sentence!

In case of Some people, for example, who are dedicate and have been working hard for the whole of their life, many research studies show that before reaching the age of 60 these people face emotional problems after retirement, such as anxiety.

Nonetheless, though the elderly people have a lot more experience than the young people have, not every occupation could have the elderly for work be appropriate for the elderly.

Clearly, it is true that expertise and skills are important to achieve the best outcome, but some careers require new generations who have more energetic energy, are stronger and faster, or are able to use new technology.

I agree!

Essays / My Desire To Make An Essay about Myself - how to go about it? [4]

Great advice, Hai Mai!

Yes, please type some sentences so we can correct your errors. That way, you can improve your skill while you write the essay.

If you need ideas, search EssayForum for the word "myself" or for the term "world I come from."

:-)

I'll come back to this thread to check on you and see if you have posted any sentences. It's okay if you make errors!

Undergraduate / "My school years in Bangladesh; becoming a businessman" - Rutgers Admission Essay [3]

Great ideas, Linh!
I'll give a few more:
... I was forced to closely examine my own intentions. and answers to that question. I think these words are extra Always ct as many words as possible to intensify the reader's experience. Some words, like these, do not actually improve the essay, so they are just work for the reader.

The true answer, to me, lies with very close examination of my life, the choices I've made, and my priorities; they all have brought me to this point of my life. I think this sentence sort of repeats what you said in the previous sentence.Let's move it along! :-)

I know that the choices I make now will have a great influence on my future. too obvious!

It is essential to me that I have to be the successful in the field of business management and for that to occur I need the opportunity to study at one of the best business schools in America. Too simple! Replace it with a sentence that shows that you have a plan. No one will invest in your business if you have no plan.

Upon a shallow glance, the accomplishments I mention above have little meaning in the business world or the academic world for that matter. However with a closer look one can begin to see the potential to achieve great success. My school years in Bangladesh gave me the opportunity to engage in...

I moved the sentences around (above) so that it makes a nice transition into the paragraph about sports.

As I come from Bangladesh, there are strong cultural roots that also enforce my dreams to become a businessman. never say your goal is to "become a businessman." You have to have goals that are more specific than that. Go a little deeper. Make a business plan. You can change it later, but show the reader how decisive you can be.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Fear is not going to help us in this stage; Nuclear energy for the future [3]

I think cars were invented in 1925. Is that right? Or am I thinking of the television? Anyway, I like your way of writing, even though it has some grammar mistakes. Annika fixed the mistakes! Do you want to practice the correct grammar by typing the essay again and using her corrections? That way, we can keep improving it until it s perfect.

I think it is difficult to understand the main point of the essay after reading the first paragraph. It is a good idea to add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and make it a sentence that will tell the reader exactly what the MESSAGE OF THE ESSAY is going to be.

Please practice typing the essay with the corrections from Annika. It is the only way to learn. Get a "feeling" for the correct grammar, like this:

Since automobiles already part of our civilization. It is impossible to remove it altogether. The only...-----When you practice typing each sentence times, you will become a master of English!

Anitha, are you responding to what was written about nuclear energy, or is this your own essay? In either case, capitalize the first letter of every sentence! Also, I'll make a small edit:

The absence of a basic disposal system for these emissions can be dangerous to human beings, as these contains radioactive substances which pose dangers to human health. There are great advantages to using these system nuclear energy, as it is very powerful, but this can pose a danger. Also the misusing of this energy by terrorists is endangering lives of people.

:-)

Graduate / "As a therapist" - essay for physical therapy acceptance at postgrad level. [3]

I love that theme you used, Allison! I think the reader will "get" what you mean, too. Good idea...


This sentence is not okay! :-) Do you mean that the muscular system and skeletal systems work together? If so, why not include the other systems? Also, we often just refer to it as one system: the musculoskeletal system.

Anyway, that sentence needs to be revised. I think I know what you mean, but try to write it in a way that does not randomly name 2 systems when many other systems are involved.

Here is another sentence that needs some physical therapy:
First, I believe I have the perceptive perspective? and patience which is needed to enable me to relate necessary for relating to the disabled person when meeting their therapeutic challenges.

You write very well! How about including a bit of discussion about recent developments in the field. Search for professional journal articles about pt.

:-)

Essays / how to work on directed writing [14]

Hello friend, can you be more specific about the kind of help we should give you? I found something great online... google this: thestar.com.my/education/story.asp?file=/2008/8/24/education/1832700&s ec=education - "tips on directed writing"

Maybe you have some writing samples we can look at, and we'll give suggestions.

Scholarship / Nursing and hospital - how you can contribute to the community [4]

Try not to capitalize unnecessarily. When in doubt, don't.
Do not capitalize high school, and do not capitalize these words:
Since Childhood childhood, the career of Nursing nursing has interested me profoundly.

Having been introduced to many different basic careers as a child, the idea of caring for the sickly has been glued to my mind since the day I announced, " I want to be a Nurse nurse", in my Kindergarden kindergarten graduation.

After living with a sickly parent who did not receive the help that she needed, it urged me I felt compelled to make a...

difference in the Nursing Profession so that future patients will leave the Hospitals hospitals with less of a...

Here is a good example to show you when to capitalize:
Wanting to gain insight on the Health Care Field health care field, I also volunteered at Fawcett Memorial Hospital for 84 hours before deciding to volunteer at ...-----The only part to capitalize is the name of Fawcett Memorial Hospital, because it is a proper noun (i.e. a name)

this hospital in which I currently have 76 Hours hours of community Service service.

:-)

Graduate / Application packet for the Master's of social and cultural foundation - intent letter [4]

It is with great pleasure that I...----This is a cliche! I think you should use something more original.

The courses ----HAVE
The courses offered by the Masters of social and cultural foundation in xxxxxx University has have brought a great interest to me.

I have been longing to continue my study on in such a creative and well developed program.

Many years ago, I have always had the desire to begin a not-for-profit organization dedicated to helping and serving young people in Cxxxxx. ----Very good! This sentence is good, and the whole paragraph is good. I think you should move the first paragraph to the end so that it becomes the conclusion and make this paragraph the first paragraph of the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: (the adverse effect on our local culture) Globalization's effect and solution [3]

Hey, the first thing I thought of was that human nature has certain characteristics that are reflected in every culture. But your discussion of globalization really is convincing! Great job... I think this will be successful, but of course there is no limit to how deep you can go in your analysis and critical thinking. (and contemplation!)

Here is a little typo... use THAN
authorities put more tax on imported red tea then than local green tea, which is considered as part of Chinese culture.

Secondly, and more importantly, there should be programs held in local community communities to educate...

... young people about the importance...

Maybe it is not a problem, and no solution is necessary! :-)

Undergraduate / "Why I feel ready to return"- A college readmission essay [11]


Ha ha... great stuff here, Eric! Thanks for the time you are spending at EssayForum!
What's the catch?

:-)

Scholarship / Marine Biology and Criminology - SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Don't capitalize retrospect. That's the first thing I noticed...

I am trying to write a schollership scholarship essay about...

Marine Biology and Criminology are two careers that I am Interested in Pursuing. interested in pursuing.----It looks like you have a habit of capitalizing words that do not need to be capitalized. :-)

I have researched these two these two job fields because I enjoy learning about those areas of study. Marine Biology carries my interest because it involves marine life in the ocean and on the coastlines. Criminology interests me, not only because it involves using evidence to solve a crime, but because it involves studying the minds of criminals. All you are doing here is telling what the field of study is. But the reader already knows that. You should read an article that you find really fascinating, and let it inspire you to write something unique... a unique observation about one of the 2 fields.

At Northampton, my chosen major is Biological sciences.---If you capitalize the name of the major, capitalize the full name: Biological Sciences.

try to give this essay an unforgettable theme.... something interesting. Give a sentence about it at the beginning and the end.

:-)

Research Papers / Business intelligence techniques (I have only small data...) [7]

I might not fully understand the question! :-)
BI is a discipline that includes a LOT of different practices. It is as varied as business itself. It includes and accommodates innovation based on the particular kind of business you are working for.

Your question makes me think you are in a degree program that has certain requirements for a project you are doing. Maybe you are still trying to perfect your English and it is difficult to interpret the instructions? If that is the case, maybe you can post your instructions and we can help you understand them.

But you CAN'T be stuck. There is always a solution.
How much data do you think you need to apply a BI technique? I think you should be able to use BI even with one piece of data. :-) But it depends on what techniques you are using...

Graduate / I looked for ways to include computer programming into a power-oriented electrical engin. curriculum [3]

Nice job, Luis! Let's intensify that intro even more by making the essay start with the word ENORMOUS!

An Enormous enthusiasm for computer science and a large...

... motivation to confront difficult long-term problems associated with ______ (what problems?): these are the two...

... graduated with one of the highest grades in the history of the program. -------very impressive! What if you include the age of the program (i.e. one of the highest grades in the 43 year history of the...)

Keep the tense consistent for a nice style:
As a research assistant I have always pursued projects that were...

challenging and that required the combination of various disciplines.

In particular, I am strongly motivated by the work of Professor XXXX on distributed probabilistic inference, and Professor XXXX work on image understanding, which are breaking the boundaries of the machine learning arena. ---------This part is very good, but only if you add a sentence that tells what you think about it and what you intend to do.

:-)

Already, you have done well with this!!

Letters / "response to the advertisement of PostDoc position" - a cover letter [2]


Let's be more formal and call it a postdoctoral position, even if it says PostDoc on the ad.

Okay, and in the SECOND sentence of the essay you should give the reader the most powerful, persuasive sentence you can muster up. What is it? What is the unique, great idea that drives you? Can you adopt an idea that you know is meaningful to the organization with which you want the position?


You'll have to be more specific here. What do you mean? If you truly are ready to contribute to the field, you need to be able to express some unique idea instead of just generally saying you have research experience related to the topic. Give the reader something she can sink her teeth into. Give her a real concept/idea.

As you refine this, speak to their interests. What are their interests?
:-)

In the future, I would be very much interested in examining the household electricity consumption ...

Undergraduate / "to help others was an expectation" - OB/GYN SPELMAN COLLEGE [3]


Great ideas, Lorenzo.

Let me also suggest this for the beginning:
As a young girl I have always felt that to help others was an expectation. ----maybe obligation is a better word here?

Whether it was with someone's home work, or even opening a door, I have always been dedicated to doing so. I think you can find a better way to express this idea. Do not be general. Be distinct and specialized.

Okay, you have a nice writing style, but you can still benefit from cool suggestions like the ones Lorenzo gave here. Also, I want to suggest that you use a transition between the paragraphs. In order to transition smoothly from talking about service to talking about seeking knowledge, you need ONE BIG THEME that unites the two parts of the paper. What is that theme? Use it at the beginning, the end, and in the middle to transition between the two sections.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I enlisted in the United States Air Force" - Admission personal information [3]

Let's put this in italics or quotation marks:
Have you ever had a moment where you sit and ask yourself, who am I? -------This is nice because the sentence and the italicized part both are questions, so the question mark looks nice.

Everybody goes on their own journey to find out who they are and what is their reason for being. Starting to get preachy here.

It Life can become a struggle for a teenager growing into an adult.

At one point in my life During senior year, I believed I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life.
Senior year in high school, college is the next step. At the time I didn't qualify for financial aid, and unfortunately my family ...

Use a colon here:
Therefore, I did what a young adolescent would do: I enlisted in the United States Air Force.----------Without a colon it is a run on sentence.

Again, run on sentence:
I had no idea what I was getting into I just hoped I could make something of myself and prove to everyone that I am somebody.-divide into 2 sentences.

As I got on the plane said good bye to all my friends and family for the last time I felt scared of what the future was to bring to me. Too much, this repeats an idea already given.

Careful here:
Life takes us threw through obstacles, and its...

up to us to go threw through them.

Your reflection and thoughtfulness... very impressive! Now, as you revise, do what I was doing above, and give the same messages in fewer words. Do not include extra sentences. Make it sleek. :-)

Undergraduate / "Why I feel ready to return"- A college readmission essay [11]


I think this might be what allison is referring to when she says to be more positive. I don't know if I agree! I understand why she sad that... I too felt that it was a little too dramatic. Yet, when I think of the psychology of admissions stuff, I think probably that really gets the reader's attention and has the rhetorical appeal of "pathos." Do you know what that is? I think the self-depreciation in the first paragraph is quite eloquent, actually, though I also want to agree with Allison! I am conflicted! So go with your intuition.


Here is the part that I think should switch to being positive. You can keep that first paragraph gloomy for pathos purposes, but for the rest of the essay get positive!

Here is your challenge: infuse this with a clear vision of the future and show that you are driven to achieve several (at least 5 listed in the essay) short term goals, all associated with one overarching goal. What is your overarching goal?! No goal, no motivation. Be specific, envision the future, and share that vision in this essay as the aspiration that drives you to excel and succeed.

Book Reports / "A thousand Splendid suns" change is a force that transcends our reach. [3]

I think it's good! But you should talk a little more about this concept in the conclusion:


Also, I wanted to mention that italics should be used for book titles, and " " marks should be used for poems:
The poem "Sky high" by Hannah Roberts and Khaled Hosseini's novel, A Thousand Splendid Suns, establish...

:-)

Essays / How will you have impacted Africa in 20 years' time? Essay suggestions. [5]

Capitalize Kenya...
Also, maybe you do not need the mention of wine. Some people have bad associations with alcohol, and the detail does not seem related to the theme of the paper.

It is looking good!

Undergraduate / Journalism: "born in an open minded family" - Education paves the way to go ahead [3]

I'll change it to improve clarity:

Having been born in an open-minded family and having interest in getting education, I am ready to learn and ...

My great care about education and learning journalism was one reason that I got the chance to continue my studies in this field, and my parents' encouragement was the other reason that I made progress throughout my whole life.

... will be one of greatest achievements of my life, and it will increase my professional credibility as a person with specialized knowledge. The only way to make changes and to take out the media from amateur activity to professional in the country, and This part is unclear. Can you write it in a different way?

The main reason of selecting journalism as my profession was my interests in research and investigation, because all journalistic activities that we see in daily life are made by proofs that require investigation and research.

:-)

Essays / Help: Satire Essay on US Health Care System [3]

One way to approach satire is like this:
Make a really weak argument in favor of the view you oppose.

So, learn about health care by googling this: united states health care reform arguments
You can also google this: united states health care reform debate

Learn about it, and see what you think! Then, make an argument in favor of the opposite view, and make it an argument that is so ineffective that it is funny.

:-)

Writing Feedback / there will always be a curse out of it; Computer Literacy is a Curse [6]

Use THE:
My mother always calls me when she is in the front of the computer.

Her annoying and yet pleading voice kept me detached from everything I do.---I like this part. You have a great writing style.

She asks questions I've already answered and demonstrated, numerous times.---- :-)

It is always how to log-in on Facebook, how to upload a photo, how to find the address bar or, in worse cases, how to turn on the computer. She is persistent to learn but I was not persistent to teach. ---Wow, it is so good!

... on the forthcoming nights.

To be a teacher was my childhood dream and my hero. But after having a glimpse of its insanity, I vowed not be one. ----clever.

However, no matter how great a blessing it is, there will always be a curse associated with it.

Brilliant!!

Faq, Help / Adding a plagiarism filter. [7]

Thanks, Lorenzo. I bet you're right! I linked the designers to this thread.

Graduate / "a young, aspiring accounting student" - essay for Masters in Finance program [2]


The goal is indistinct. Do you know what I mean? It is not crisp, not clear. If you said something very specific about what you want to accomplish in the financial sector, that would be better. Do not just say, "make a significant contribution."

Right here you have a little grammar error:
...because its reputation for academic rigor...
... and professional success assure me that...

In the short-term, I see myself as a strategy consultant for a management consulting firm, primarily specializing in the financial services and retail-banking sectors. I want to learn the best financial practices around the globe and further hone my problem solving skills. ---Great specificity here!

I believe my educational background has equipped me with the adequate knowledge needed to pursue finance as a graduate major. Too obvious.

Studying finance would definitely help me further develop my ability to analyze problems from a business perspective bearing in mind the limitations of the real world. Too obvious, say something about your unique vision.

I also feel the program will provide the right balance between theory and practice, because _______________________- (give an explanation for this belief in order to make it meaningful.

Here is another great sentence:
I expect that a seasoned, highly accessible faculty with current private- and public-sector experience would provide intensive treatment of quantitative and qualitative methods, particularly in the analysis of financial institutions, corporate finance and accounting, and fixed income and derivative products.---I like it!

Speeches / Persuasive Speech Supporting Same Sex Marriage [2]


Yes, it seems like a cliche! So... how can you express your own truth about it. Forget the speech for a second and just ask yourself what insight you gained while thinking about this recently. What little insight have you gained? It is probably hard to explain, but that is what essays are for.

Think of what your contemplation has amounted to, and brainstorm some sentences that really express that insight. That might make your opening line.

But you need to express that fresh insight in a way people can relate to. Catch their attention with a sentence that raises questions in their mind -- questions about the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT CONCEPT you are sharing in the speech. Do not tell them what they have already heard. Share your newest insights.

:-)