Undergraduate / "I want to strive for the best and be closer to home" - Why do I want to attend VCU ? [2]

Virginia Commonwealth University has always been my dream school ever since I was younger.---Not an interesting sentence... if you want to begin like this, the sentence has to include a REASON. ...has always been my dream school because of ________________. I applied last year...

... also would be proud to say that I graduated from VCU because that means I worked hard to get my degree and I fulfilled the high expectations. ---Okay, but if you do not have an interest worth mentioning, some goals or plans, then it is really not very persuasive.

Other than academically wise academics, another reason...

...I haven't really been in tuned tune with my grades like I should be.

This essay has some great emotional appeal, but it really will be better if you show that you have been reading books about your intellectual interests and that your reading has caused you to develop some career goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / The notebook, a critical care nurse - Rice transfer [2]

My stomach took a somersault ----Nice...

"You're doing OK okay, Miss M, we'll take

... Ms. M's younger sister, whom I had tried in vain to contact, that night, chose to withdraw life support from Ms. M around two in the afternoon. She died half an hour later.

You are lucky to be such a good writer. And the rest of us are lucky to have some health care professionals who are not yet desensitized. Thanks for posting this essay! I don't think you need any help.

Graduate / "Entering to TUS School, Thailand" - my letter of motivation. [2]

In this situation, you need a pair of commas, not just one:

Entering to TUS School, the best high school in Thailand, is...

... on me and kept my family feeling a lot of hope.

...and became one of several the students at my prestigious school.

I took a principal role in developing...Before you write this sentence, start the paragraph with a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

In the next 10 ten years, I aim to position myself as CEO of my own trading company, using my...--Excellent, I know you will succeed! And I think the reader of this essay will appreciate your motivation and seriousness.

Writing Feedback / Toefl IBT: "attending college or university is required in our life" [3]

In other words, I suggest people intending to gain these valuable experiences need to join in many clubs and competitions.

For instance, these places are like the small society before we heading before we creates the jungle of large society. to real society jungle. I don't know if I corrected this in a good way. Does it seem okay this way?

... know how to deal with relationships among colorful, diverse groups of people. and colors.

Besides, the peer pressure can let us know the basic manners and regulations. ---I don't know what you mean so say here. Peer pressure might not be the best term to use.

Great job! Keep practicing; you have a lot of wisdom, I think. Your English is almost perfect, but a few mistakes remain.

Undergraduate / "both early childhood education and psychology" - 300 word education and career goals [3]

Great feedback from Kathy! I want to add one more thing:
In this kind of sentence, here is a good way to use the comma:
As a senior in high school, instead of sitting in class for 90 minutes I was standing in front of 19 first graders teaching them a lesson.----This is the way some would do it. Really, there is some flexibility in the way people use commas... but I like it this way. Do you see how I moved the comma?

If you type a new draft of the essay, we can see how it improved. :-)

Writing Feedback / I and my sister went to the supermarket together [4]

what kind of advice is that!?

:-)

my sister suddenly cried out and only spoke one sentence, declaring that she had lose lost her wallet, which had a mobile phone manufactured by Nokia. ---Practice typing this sentence several times to get good habits.

Wow, you are a good writer. Even though you have mistakes, you have a great style of writing, and if you work to improve you will be so good! Look at this sentence, for example:

A small flow of tears from the conner of her eyes streamed out but she still tried to keep back her tears. I can see it. ------I hope you know that this is excellent writing!

Writing Feedback / Ielts Task2: The problems and Solutions of Using the Internet [2]

I don't think "behind" is the right word to use here:
However, there are still many drawbacks behind associated with it that are worth consideration, concerning , and the causes ...

Firstly, people who are addicted spend too much time on the Internet. They prefer to stay...
Secondly, the large amount of information on the web may include unhealthy and ...---I think these 2 topics are important enough that you should give a few more sentences in the paragraph about each. So... make each of those paragraphs 4 or 5 sentences long. That will make it a full, meaningful discussion of each point.

In this situation, use a hyphen:
Internet-addicted

...and interact to with others.
:-)

Undergraduate / "well-prepared to pursue an engineering degree" - Personal statement - Toronto [3]

Good news and bad news (And they are the same news): legos are a cliched topic for you engineers. I bet if you search essayforum for the word legos you will find a bazillion essays. The thing is, loving legos as a kid does not really mean anything. I mean, it does mean something, but not as much as if you shared your current, grownup ideas based on the most recent innovations and your voracious reading. You can mention the childhood design endeavors later in the essay, but only briefly... and not at the beginning. Let the essay begin with an excellent sentence, a sentence that intrigues the reader about a particular CONCEPT related to your goals.

And look at what you did at the end of the first paragraph: Therefore, I wish to pursue an engineering degree to further explore this dynamic field. ----The sentence at the end of the first paragraph tells the reader the main idea of the essay. This sentence does that, but in a superficial way. You have the option to replace this with a sentence that says something profound or says something fascinating, or says something that inspired curiosity in the mind of the reader. Make it so that the main message of the essay is profound, really worth writing about and reading... a CONCEPT that is worth reflecting on, and it will serve as your theme.

The second paragraph is all info they already know.

Your theme can be based on something from that last paragraph, about your interests.
The most important thing is to tell them about your plan... show that you are excited about this.Excited people make detailed plans based on a special concept. :-)

Speeches / How to write an persuasive speech? Any suggestion for a good topic? [6]


You did nothing wrong. We are so glad you are here!

I want to remind you that your most important task is to get the listeners to take some sort of action. Plant an idea in their minds. Action speaks louder than words. If you want to persuade people about something, suggest a specific action they might take to learn more or to contribute to the solution.

Action is everything, ha ha...

Undergraduate / Greece: opinion you had to defend, in conflict with the beliefs of the majority [5]

You need one more comma here:
Being born and breed in Greece has, without a doubt, many advantages. The food is both tasteful and healthy, the weather is great, and ...

Great edit, William, as always.

I think the whole essay can be intensified if you specify a little more clearly in that first paragraph what the opinions/conflicts are going to be.

You took a great approach to this prompt!

BTW if you respond to some other people who recently posted, you can ask them to return the favor! No one is going to see your plea for help unless you visit THEIR threads first. ;-)

Undergraduate / How should I write my discretionary Admissions for my university? [2]

We would have to elaborate on our involvement and achievements in associated with the activities in which we we had participated.

I fixed that sentence, above, but I still think it can be better. How about just doing this:
We would have to elaborate on our involvement and achievements. We can also discuss a special talent, a personal ...

I am a student studying for my diploma in ...

I've learnt how to use the advantage of technology to meet business requirements, as well as provide providing business solutions.

I have a deep interest in further furthering my studies on...

You should say what kind of community service you are talking about! :-)
Also, everyone likes a story. You should let the reader know what kinds of goals you have for the future... and be specific. That way, the reader will feel emotionally invested in your story.

Scholarship / Essay on generation gap- the differences between your generation and others. [2]

A number of factors plays a role in the---This form of a sentence is tough, because even though it is correct it sounds wrong. I would find a creative way to avoid it...

A number of factors plays a role in contribute to the...

My generation has received more help from the previous generation than they received when they were my age. People from the previous generation did not get things handed out to them. ---Who told you this? Some did, and others didn't just like today, just like always.

This also put them at a disadvantage and made them work harder to achieve their aspirations. My generation definitely has it easier and has more opportunities to succeed ---I really don't know if I agree! In previous decades, the economy was much better, and these days you have a lot of complex, new challenges.

My generation's attitude about life is very unique compared to other generations' attitudes . Laziness, selfishness, and greed have infected my generation. ----You are making HUGE generalizations. You sound like an old person saying, "Those kids these days are awful..." But to make this a good paper, you have to avoid huge, sweeping generalizations.

I am impressed by your strong, strong command of grammar. This essay will be better if you cite some evidence... statistics, books, articles, etc.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Tutors are problem solvers" ; U Toronto-Civil Engineering/Extracurricular Exp [2]

Let's change the word things in that first sentence to a different word that captures your real meaning.

By the age of 6, I can could distinguish about...

5 different types of bridges and give a brief explanation of their function. The person who inspired me to the world of civil engineering is my mother. When I was about schooled age, she my mother was working on her Master degree in Earthquake Engineering.

Keep all those verbs in the past tense:
As I grew up, whenever I saw my mother bring back drawings from her office and work on them on AutoCAD, I always sat beside her to see her work.

As she explains explained to me how different designs would bring huge difference in construction cost, I felt

I guess you need to scratch out a few sentences if this is too long. I think it is very impressive, though. It's okay to have a few mistakes. Everyone does!

But I want to tell you that I think it will be more impressive if you tell a little about the books or articles that influenced you most. Show what you are proatcively studying these days.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I learned to be determined, think big, inspire others" - admission [2]

I challenge you to make a little change here:
The most important things I learned in life made me a better person. ----Can you replace the beginning of this sentence with something more meaningful? Specify what made you a better person. For example, I might write: "Being abandoned by my friend made me a better person."---That is an interesting first sentence!

I learned to be determined, think big, inspire others, never allow anyone to define your my future and ...

... mother who is not in her right mine mind??, but she (who, the cousin or the mom? This sentence is unclear, and maybe you need to separate it into 2 clear sentences.

I feel like a sentence is missing here> What is the failure? What is cut off?----> I can recall having so many dreams of traveling the world and doing big things. I used to study the Encyclopedia and Atlas in the third grade. I blame myself for not cutting them off. I am responsible for being my own failure; the goal now is to move forward. Each one of them I kicked out and...

This is one of my favorite essays ever... very profound and helpful to me in my own contemplation of things.

Sometimes I feel like Socrates about not knowing. My interpretation of ________ is like this: 'I am not perfect, nor do I know everything. Those are the reasons why I want to grow. Wanting to grow makes you wise'.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY The importance of robots and their influences [3]

Thanks, Sarah and Moon, you are great!

Assel, I think you should type the essay again and try to use the corrections they gave. Do you have any questions? Even if you are not sure about some of the changes, just try to type the essay again and we will look to see if you still have errors!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Television promotes propaganda and it destroyed the communication among friends and family? [7]

Sharma, is this a new version of Mahrou's original? I am confused.

I want to tell you that you should choose one but not both words here:
Although I too like watching television, yet I prefer to sit with my friends and family members and discuss things other than daily soaps.
or
Although I too like watching television, yet I prefer to sit with my friends and family members and discuss things other than daily soaps.

...my grandparents had asked for the one, I observed ...

You don't have to write should twice:
Now since television has taken its place in nearly every house I think people should distribute their time and should not waste their time watching ...

:-) Mahrou, if you need mor ehelp, please post another draft or ask questions.

Undergraduate / How Can I start the Opening essay about extracurricular activities? [8]


This might be part of the problem, or it might not be. It might indicate that you are having trouble getting your groove on. When you pick up the guitar, you need to be able to get into a rhythmic state of mind. You need an awesome state of mind. Then, it does not matter what you play.

As for whether it should be a story, I'll say this: use anecdotes, not claims. That is how to use the rule, "Show, don't tell." But... do not give any unnecessary details. I don't think it should be presented like a story... but it might have little anecdotes within it.

Most importantly, stick to your purpose. Show that those activities reflect the same seriousness and passion that make it essential that they let you into this progam.

:-)

Faq, Help / Moderators may only be able to comment... [6]

Well, we are glad to have you. And I see that you are already giving a great helping hand, because you have almost 100 posts!
So... I really felt bad when I saw that we had not helped you, ha ha... Well, please consider joining the contributors.

Writing Feedback / GRE_AW issue 131"The arts reveal the hidden ideas of a society" [4]

People say, "In terms of..."

In terms of individual, art, not only representing truth, genuineness and beauty, but also evil of the world, is considered to be a special approach to expressing himself.

When you talk about more than one thing, say have instead of has: For instance, hip-hop paintings and music, which have boomed...

What a majestic, beautiful sentence this is:
Through the dirty words drawn on the walls of the alleyways and in the lyrics of those underground rappers, the poor education condition and living standard of the lower-class are represented thoroughly. ----Make it conditions and standards (i.e. add s). This is a beautiful sentence, though.

Again, add s:
Hip-hop reveals people's resentment and insecurity about of their life lives, and this...

And you need to make this 2 sentences:
In conclusion, the works of art might illustrate the hidden impulses of the society under some conditions. However, art also faces many effects from people in power, which makes the art not so forthright in revealing the underground ideas.----Very astute observation!

I made some corrections, but you really write very well. You have a great style. Most people have some mistakes, so you really are doing very well despite some mistakes.

Writing Feedback / Well-being of pets (Quest in IELTS) [4]

You need THEM.
... trained animals and kept them as...

Do not capitalize there words: ... are Dogs, Cats, Horses, Birds, Horses, fishes, etc.

animal into its a slaughter house.

Thought Though animals can be trained in the long run initially they have to be well treated.

Ha ha, this is a good word!---> death chambers.

I want to show you how to pluralize this. Look at how the apostrophe goes at the end of the word:
The lethargic attitude that human beings show towards their pets always threatens the animals' lives.

:-) Nice, I like the way you think!

Writing Feedback / A persuasive essay: 'Death penalty should be abolished' for or against [6]

Why capitalize here? ---> severe Punishment if a Person disobeyed...

When you include a little extra phrase in a sentence like this, you have to use commas: The death penalty, also known as capital punishment, is...

See what I mean?

As Stated above---Again, do not capitalize words unnecessarily.

You should spend one paragraph to "refute the counterargument." That means you should talk about the argument someone would make to disagree with you. For example, what about cases where innocent people or mentally challenged people have been executed? How would you handle that argument?

If you "refute the counterargument," it makes YOUR argument stronger.

You did a good job, though!! :-)

Undergraduate / "I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie world..." - RISD, personal passion or obsession [4]

"I'm a Barbie girl, In a Barbie world..." was the first thing that popped up in my mind when I saw...

Like many girls, I had been obsessed with Barbie has been an obsession of mine ever since I was little. But there was something more in these 4-inch human-like dolls than just a fair collection of pretty plastic figures.---I made many changes here. Try to see them all!

As my interpretation of beauty started to take shape, I started to appreciate Barbie dolls as intricate artifacts as opposed to just toys.---Oh, wow, some of your sentences are so beautifully written.

Each Barbie dolls doll has unique...

the ending is very, very good.

Faq, Help / can i join this forum [8]


I see that Kevin got to it already. Sorry for the delay!

Undergraduate / volunteer at orphanage - EXTRA CURRICULAR common app. [8]


Not cliched, it's awesome. However, you can find something more meaningful to say than the thing about Sat mornings. Instead, you can say the most profound phrase you know... the most interesting, profound phrase that has anything to do with this work. Leave the reader with a great concept to think about.

Undergraduate / "The Sisterhood of Literary genesis..." - my Amherst supplement essay response [7]

Yep, it fits the prompt as well as a poem can, probably. To be honest, I would not use a poem unless they said it was okay. But that does not mean it is a bad idea. I just think you get better results if you give them what they intend for you to give. You wrote a great poem, but some people who feel very opinionated about what they expect in an essay may say, "This person should not get special consideration for not writing an essay." Well... I don't know how to explain it. It is hard to judge a poem by the same criteria as an essay, so the person might automatically guard against giving you special consideration.

But please don't let that idea discourage you. I am over-thinking it.

Writing Feedback / Nursing, My First Job Experience (narrative essay) [3]

You have a problem with spacing here.
As Iwas going around ...

Change comes to came.

was, "How do I get job experience when nobody offers me a job?" Although I just...

They all seems seemed delighted to see me, because they...

had been experiencing a shortage of...

On one faithful fateful day, when I was...

Spacing again: Infact , being accomodating and...In fact, being accommodating and ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / sacrificial love - I was contented, relieved and in peace. [4]

Those first few sentences give it a feeling of urgency.. because they are so brief and punchy. :-)

I had to strike when the iron was hot. My hind legs gave a

Typo here: Thee it was, my...

This has great action. I want to mention, though, that in the beginning I got a little confused about what was happening. If you add one or two key words, you can make it so that the reader perfectly understands what to visualize.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my love and passion for horses" - Statement of purpose - SCAD - Equestrian Studies [4]

Congratulations! Come back and participate when you have time. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Influence of English - advantages outweigh the disadvantages? [2]


It's okay to say this, but then you need to add one more sentence before ending the paragraph. Even though the rest of the essay is going to explain why you agree with that opinion, you should try to write one sentence that perfectly expresses the TRUTH you are expressing in this essay. Can you add a great sentence to the end of that first paragraph?

Make it the most important sentence of the essay. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- student behaviour- causes and solutions [7]


I see your question. I don't know much about the scoring for ielts, but maybe Kevin or someone else will know.

I'm glad you will be a contributor!

I see a great correction by Moon: needs is not the correct word there. It is like this:
Joe needs to read some essays in order to become a contributor.
Becoming a contributor needs requires some time, because you have to read some essays for people.

So... needs is a little different from requires. :-)

Writing Feedback / Travel broaden the horizon and knowledge; communications between countries [5]


I don't like this first sentence. Just as a Samurai does not want to draw the sword without using it, the writer should not start to type without making sentences that can kill someone with their power. Every sentence, especially the first sentence, should be so interesting that it can kill you! Start each essay with words that can kill with their interestingness. :-)

Capitalize undoubtedly at the start of that second paragraph.

To improve the content, make a strong argument. TO make a strong argument, google this: how to refute the counter-argument

The counter-argument is like this: Tourists destroy cultures by creating pollution, commercialization, and... turning culture into a commodity. Some people argue that travel can destroy understanding among cultures because of the irresponsibility of tourists and the businesses that accommodate them.

Google this: sex tourism
Google this: tourism hurts local culture

See, if you write a paragraph about the counter-argument, you can show how that argument is not as strong as YOUR argument.

:-)

Graduate / "I did not always want to go into medicine" - PA school Admissions Essay [8]


Yeah, it's the same for all of us.

You can get rid of an "I" and improve efficiency at the start here:
"What equipment do you need?" my supervisor yelled as I assessed the...

I see what you mean about the tense changes. Don't change tense within a paragraph. If you do a paragarph break, you can change tense, but not too often.

And here is a good place for a semi-colon:
This job is so much more than the adrenaline rush that comes with a bad trauma; I have the opportunity ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Competitive children admire the sense of fulfillment therefore they are always trying to be better. [6]

Looking good, Maryam.

Now I want to suggest that you should retype it with the corrections you got here. That is the way to practice and improve. And we will see if you still have errors.

Also, let's look at that first sentence: Teaching children plays an important role on building their characters and their future life.
This is obvious, so it makes the essay seem boring when the reader starts to read. Maybe it will be better if you think of the most clever, insightful sentence and put that at the beginning of the essay. Surprise the reader at the beginning with a great, unexpected sentence... an "intriguing" sentence.

Undergraduate / "Qatar: The different environment produced different influences," why chicago? [2]

You should feel very confident in this essay. My best suggestion for you is to try to identify a goal for the future based on what is important to you. If you establish a clear goal, you can let the reader know that attending this program is part of working toward that goal. You talked a lot about your past, but I think you should find room (in the first and last paragraph, perhaps) to let the reader know exactly what you are trying to accomplish -- just like a candidate running for office. :-)

Writing Feedback / From Russia To America (a narrative essay) [8]

...across my name. "Yes, I'm going to America," I said. My heart started to pound louder and louder, like a drum.

Who knew that I was going to go to America? At the...

As I stepped down from the airplane, which by the way was the first time I ever flew on one, I felt weird.

I met my family, the people with whom I was going to stay.

Those three days where the happiest days of my life; nothing could go wrong. ----A semi-colon works a little like a period.

Awesome story, Victoria.

I sat at the airport waiting anxiously for the plane. to get it.

So many things were running through my head, like, "I'll have to learn a new language and learn new accustoms customs."

I would practice my alphabet, my mom saying "'A' as in cat," or "'B' as in bat," and so on. I also had...

I learned that even when things get tough and you I don't know what's going on, I need to keep on pressing forward.

You are great!! Practice these corrections. I'm glad you are an essayforum member!

Writing Feedback / Tv and Its drawbacks (spreading violence, changing social relations) [2]

Great edit, Kim! Now, Hamid, it is your turn to work some more. Please type the essay again, and try to use the advice Kim gave you. When you type the essay again, I will look to see if you still have errors.

I want to also talk about these first sentences: Nowadays, TV is considered as a very powerful medium. Although it has some benefits, which include the ability to entertain people, it has also numerous disadvantages, such as the following: i nfluencing violence among the children; changing the social relations and behaviours; and wasting time on aimless programs.

Please practice typing that sentence above. The semi-colon is used to separate items in a list. The colon is used to show, "I am about to list some things."

:-) Okay, practice, practice!

Undergraduate / "Why does the Patriot Act affect innocent people?" - Isssue of Importance Essay [3]

Hi! Here are a few more things I found:

We have the freedom of speech, freedom of petition, and the freedom of religion amongst others. However, there is one freedom that the government discreetly denies us ; privacy.

... citizen's traceable activity without prior permission.

Why would this act that invades every citizen's privacy need to be extended?

Something tells me there's more to the act than prevention of terrorist attacks.

It's the anxiety I feel every time I leave my house.

This is why I believe the government needs to either get completely rid of the Patriot Act or drastically revise it to protect its citizens from

governmental abuse.

Writing Feedback / schools don't prepare young people for life in the real life. [4]

I like this sentence a lot:
schools don't teach us how to stand up for yourself or how to love people.

However, a little change should be made:
Schools don't teach us how to stand up for ourselves or how to love people.

Why do you not capitalize the first word of every sentence? Capitalize them!!
:-)

Okay, besides capitalization, I want to mention that I disagree a little. In school, we do learn to stand up for ourselves, and we do learn about relationships. So... maybe you just went to a bad school! :-) I hope the next school you attend will be excellent! At the end of your essay, you can make some suggestions about how to improve school.

Undergraduate / Husband is being stationed in Ft. Lewis, Reasons For Transferring and the Objectives [4]

Okay, your intro is not very inspirational or interesting, but you do express a very powerful kind of honesty, simplicity, and appreciation here...

I think that first paragraph works pretty well. Ordinarily I would suggest scrapping the inconsequential stuff and replacing it with something meaningful, but somehow you achieved some special quality here, and I do not want to disrupt it. You can leave it the same up until here:

I am pretty easy going and trust that I will get a decent education at a range of school. I think you should replace that with a thesis statement that tells what you are all about.

My main hope is to, obviously, get my college degree. This is unhelpful, too. Do a paragraph break after that thesis statement, and then spend the rest of the essay showing that you have a well-devised plan and that you have researched this school to which you are applying, and perhaps learned about some of the professors, etc. and what books or articles they have written.

Also, do not write it in all one long paragraph! Do paragraph breaks.

I also am hoping I can not only have a great education, but the opportunity to meet many new people. Do not waste any words with statements of the obvious. Include only the best stuff. :-)

Writing Feedback / The socialization of children determines the way of society development [4]

Hello Friend, sorry for the delay.

I hate this sentence with all my heart:
Under many circumstances, the positive and negative influence of improving the socialization level of children is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused. ----This is SO complicated. The sentences I hate are the ones that use too many words to say something simple.

Under many circumstances, the positive and negative influence of i Improving the socialization level of children. is much concerned to a point where a wide discussion has been aroused. Actually, just destroy the whole sentence. The essay will be better without it:

And Some people maintain the claim that it is how children are socialized today that determines the destiny of society. Although we have not learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society, after a closer examination over all the matters, to large extent, I am on the opposite side of this claim. (Now give a sentence that tells the MAIN idea you are explaining in the essay. That is the thesis statement.)

To begin with, I have to concede...

You have great topic sentences!
I want to suggest something: Give a definition of socialization in the intro paragraph. People can use that word in various ways. :-)

Great job... you have a very good discussion here.