Undergraduate / "An Environmental Architect" - Motivation essay [4]

No need to capitalize graduation:
My graduation project spoke of...

I think by studying Human Rights I could understand the humanity not only the needs of humanity, but I can also see the world changing if we start focusing on the human qualities and enriching them.

For me, human rights are the principles of life.

I have a vision to shape the community, so that all human beings can be born free and equal in dignity and rights.

I do believe we can plant our own food and we should also export it to support the continuation of the project.

Capitalize the first word of the saying:
At the end, I wish to make this change in the community, fighting the Egyptian saying, "Unfairness on all people is fairness."

:-)

Writing Feedback / Television has had a mostly negative effect on society. [5]

Great ideas, Giovanny! Bahareh, I will correct some more errors. Please practice these sentences by typing each of them 10 times. That will help you learn the correct grammar.

:-)

Television shows are the most popular programs, and they can amuse people who are interested in watching them.

Nowadays, people, especially children, are dependent on TV to spend their time, and they would rather to fill up their schedule by sitting in front of TV and watching it.

However, watching TV brings mostly negative effects, such as threat to the maintenance of traditional family values, children's future, and people's behavior.

Nowadays, television threatens the maintenance of traditional family values.

Parents spend less time with their children now, and they are too busy to be with their children.---good sentence!

Besides, another issue related to watching TV is a developmental disorder in the part of brain which is associated with language skill; therefore, children can't pay attention effectively to information involving words and language.

Most of TV shows contain various advertisements that could affect people, and mainly their children.

Finally, although television has had many negative effects on our life, it can be a good tool for learning or discovering new subjects.----This is another great sentence!

Sometimes, children use it as a resource to increase their knowledge and information, but not spending they should not spend too much time watching it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My lovely Indonesia (the reallity of my country) [4]

Not only that case. In addition to that, A lot of disasters are caused by their indifference toward the environment.

People who do not care about environment cut the trees carelessly. They don't care with about animals that live there and the effect of their illegall logging. And they don't care about floods and its their victims.

The most important thing for them is to get a lot of money easily without thinking about the side effects of their illegal activity.

The ending is great! But use a spellchecker: reallity reality

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay on Mark Twain and his writing style [3]

Hi Tom, sorry you did not get help in time. It's true... you have grammar errors! Spend some time reading a good book every night, and read some sentences aloud to learn good grammar habits:

If you're the type of person that loves to read, you probably won't miss beautiful pieces of literature, like...

He is well-known for the use of his "irreverent, biting social satire, and realism of place and languages" (add the author's name and page number).

Keep the tense consistent:Twain preferred to be known as a serious writer better than a humorist, however, it was his humor that brought the crowds and the money (Kelly).

Twain have had a very distinguish style of writing, and best known for his use of his irreverent, biting social satire, and realism of place and languages. Twain used jokes and get his point across very well during his lectures.

:-)

Writing Feedback / GRE Argue. a budget planner for the City of Grandview [2]

Use ATTENDANTS instead of attendence:

However, even though the number of attendants at...

I see that sometimes you capitalize the word symphony and other times you do not:
Second, the author also hastily assumes that symphony which announced an increase in its ticket price next year will gain more revenue and by doing so, the Symphony will succeed without funding of the City. ----I think it is better to not capitalize it. The word symphony is a common noun.

However, it is possible that the City of Grandview may suffer from the budget deficit, because

Do not capitalize symphony or city:
In order to strengthen the claim, the author should prove that the symphony's success is possible without the city's aid and that it can alleviate the budget deficit properly. The author should provide more information and evidence. ----:-) I made some changes here.

Essays / How to start an essay comparing and deciding which was a worse disaster? [5]

Hi there, the first step is to find about 10 facts about each of them. Write a paragraph about each of them. That will give you some basis for comparison and contrast. Remember to write a body paragraph about each and then maybe a third body paragraph about the similarities and differences.

Then, go to the beginning of the essay and add an intro paragraph, and go to the end and add a conclusion paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / High school experience vs. Cat's eye, Elaine Risely - Personal essay on identity [3]

It's nicer if you do not write "the book," but instead just use italics (if possible) to distinguish it:
In Cat's Eye by Margaret Attwood, Elaine's identity and her perceived sense of self is are dynamic, and...

ONLY use punctuation after the parenthetical reference:
As quoted from the text "Until we moved to Toronto I was happy" (22). Much of...--------Do you see where I took away a period?

Make it concise:
...truly terrible experiences as a child, such as the time she was placed in the hole: "When I was put into the hole I knew it was a game; now I know it is not one. I feel sadness, a sense of betrayal. Then I feel the darkness pressing down on me; then terror." (120). Elaine was innocent, naïve, and ...

Again, only put the period at the end: She genuinely believed that her friends were trying to help her to become one of them and integrate her, as evidenced by the text, "I am not normal, I am not like the other girls. Cordelia tells me so, but she will help me. Grace and carol will help me too. It will take hard work and a long time" (134).

Elaine may have seemed happy and popular in high-school, but she was not, due to a failure of coming to terms with her past and accepting her mistakes, unlike the insights and epiphanies I experienced in high-school. ---I think your essay is very effective and meaningful!

Great use of the word "waddled!"
I want to suggest that near the end, when you describe the process of becoming motivated, you should give more discussion of specific goals so that the reader can really appreciate the fullness of your aspirations... your vision of the future and all the short term goals that you'll need to fulfill. That is not necessary, but it will make the essay more distinct and meaningful.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY , WHY DO MANY PEOPLE SUPPORT THE DEVELOPMENT OF AGRICULTURE ? [3]

Great advice, SI lou!

Also, use "Investments in..."
The Investment in agriculture has become a widely discussed topic in our society recently.

In this essay, I will elaborate on this controversial phenomenon, and I will make an argument that __________(Sum up your arugment at the end of the first paragraph.)

Governments have recently taken interest in the quality of agriculture and products such as fruits and vegetables, because people cannot live without these.

In conclusion, some people are very comfortable and happy with agriculture, while others believe it is incovenient. In my view, I hope that agricultural activities always remain one of crucial practices that enable countries to prosper..

Grammar, Usage / Correct order of "time" and "place" in a sentence? [4]

Agreed. That sentence looks good. Thanks for joining our community, Sunny!
you can also do this:
Today, I bought a journal at Target to record the quotes that inspire me.

:-)

Scholarship / Writing "Field of specialization studied in the past" for MEXT scholarship [2]

As an aeronautics and astronautics student in ITB, I learned that _________________(Say something interesting to get the reader's attention).

Starting in my first year in 2005, I studied about basic science and engineering courses, like calculus, physics and chemistry, and also the basics of aerospace engineering.

Then, I conducted an experiment to prove that the system was working appropriately.

Impressive accomplishments! But now you need to give the essay a theme. What is one word or phrase that expresses what your plan is. For example, what if I said this:

Tell me the reason you chose aeronautics and astronautics instead of any other field of science. Tell me the reason in only one word.

What is the word that expresses your reason for choosing this field? Give a little intro paragraph at the beginning of this essay, and let it explain why this word is the best word to express why you choose this field.

:-)

Essays / Motivation for participation in postgraduate program with emphasis on my occupation [4]

Well, it depends on what the occupation is, Rainbow! If you were going to seek a masters in social work, you would need to show that you have a plan for achieving several specific goals in the field. You would have to discuss a few social work theories and concepts that you have been reading about in professional journals about social work.

If you really want to become a master of this field, you need to read all the recent articles and books (or at least read about them online to get familiar), and you need to jump into the ongoing conversation.

It must start with reading articles written by people with the same interests as you. What do you want to accomplish? What do you want to do?

Undergraduate / An Honor Society Program, very controversial but light toned essay with mixed reviews [2]


Oh, no! That's terrible! I'm sorry to hear that.

In this world of ours, there exist extremely odd phenomena. One such phenomenon is that the words...

Capitalize Latin.

...metaphorically equivalent to a Jesus like Tetris game.---Wow, a Jesus-like Tetris game? If you explain how a Tetris game can be like Jesus in the sentence that follows this one, I think it will be a great little piece of writing!

We both have thoroughly enlightened the minds of our younger more impressionable peers. ---No wonder they hate you! This sounds pompous. :-/
Oh, I know why. "Peer" implies equal. You should use the word "juniors" or some other word that indicates that they are younger than you.

Use a hyphen in this situation:
Besides churning out test-acing pupils, I also, much like a mythical god-like Catcher in the Rye watch over the ...---Ha ha, so you write with a very sophisticated style and in a few sentences say you are godlike and that you enlighten the minds of others.

I think that ending is clever. I think you are destined to be a misunderstood artist. For now, give the essay an unmistakable theme, and

make it humble. Couple all self-aggrandizement with a few words that indicate that your reason fro accomplishing so much comes from your vision of the future, which includes this school. Write about accomplishments you made in order to achieve what is really important -- your vision of the future. Put the focus on the vision that you and the reader can share.

And use simple sentences so people are not intimidate by you! :-)

Undergraduate / "dreamt of becoming a nurse" - School Program Admission [3]

That intro makes it sound like you are still a small child. I'll fix it this way:

As a small child, I always dreamt of one day becoming a nurse.

I remember I would imagine myself wearing the white uniform (no comma necessary) and being able to care and heal sick or injured patients.

I challenge you to remove at least 2 sentences that repeat the idea of nursing being a way to touch others' lives, etc. You only need to say that once, because it is obvious and not very interesting. What is interesting is YOUR philosophy of nursing, what you have been reading? Jean Watson? Porters 5 Forces? Google "nursing theories" and see which is your favorite. Discuss nursing theory, and mention a recent article in a professional nursing journal.

Okay, this whole thing is excellent, and I think the enthusiasm and sincerity are really impressive. I just think you should read a few great articles about nursing and cite them.

:-)

Essays / How to start this essay about "My Mom - The Most Important Person in My Life" [8]

I like the way everyone is helping in this thread. Derry, you did a good job building on what Larissa gave you.

**** Every sentence should begin with a capital letter.*****

She showed me that a mother can be more than a parent, that she can be a friend as well.

I like this sentence!
With her advice and support, I will become a better person.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Change is always good. Discuss. (how to continue) [4]


Yes, that is a good theme... people need to focus on their intended outcome while change is taking place.

There exists in us a primordial fear of the unknown, which is brought about by change. ---I like this sentence!!!

However, change is always good so long as it affects society as a whole, positively and allows for progress and development.----- Well... this might be an oversimplification. And it might not have any meaning, because it says, "Change is good as long as it is positive." That is like saying, "Change is good as long as it is good."

:-)

Writing Feedback / Political and Social Philosophy -Is power the driving force behind politics? [2]

Sorry you waited so long for a response!

It is the constant struggle for of those who want to stay on top of the social order.

If you use "He" to refer to humankind, be consistent:
He is concerned with his own preservation and therefore needs strong leadership in order to maintain full order, because otherwise they would destroy themselves himself.

But I like "Humankind" a lot more, because it does not reflect the old patriarchal ways of thinking.
Humankind... would destroy itself.

The leader must exert himself practically and have shows of demonstrate both complete authoritarian power and reserved, cunning power. ---I changed it to improve clarity...

One cannot believe that the conception of the state is essentially good, mainly off the basis that because is not practical.---I am not sure how you meant this.

Use an apostrophe: There is no practicality to Socrates' claims of his ...

Great job! Thanks for participating, we are lucky to have you helping people at Essayforum.

Letters / "a letter to the hotel making the arrangements and reservation" - my formal letter [7]

Great job!
Now you have a run-on sentence to fix:
My name is XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX, I would like to reserve a room in your hotel for three nights.
You can use a period:
My name is XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX. I would like to reserve a room in your hotel for three nights.
or a conjunction:
My name is XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX, and I would like to reserve a room in your hotel for three nights.

:-)

Undergraduate / "What experiences have led you to consider medicine" - PLME ESSAY [10]


Ha ha, no I did not notice, but actually everyone repeats the ideas that are closest to their hearts. Even celebrities and teachers have certain ideas they often express, over and over. It's okay! :-)

Writing Feedback / Coaches are the best teachers. Agree or disagree with this statement? [6]

Maybe it is okay! It might be my error. Where I live, "coach" usually refers to athletics. So... I think you should just be sure to explain what you mean at the beginning.

Undergraduate / "The maid" - significant person common app essay [2]


Wow... alright, right here I really sat forward in my chair and took notice. I'm in the presence of greatness. :-)

As I recall, it might have been her limited salary as a primary school teacher that prevented her from doing so.---I fixed this sentence.

My watches stroke My watch showed that it was 7 p.m. My family must have finished dinner by now. This meant...

"Dear Son,
You'd better keep track ...

2 words "every day"
"Don't you ever forget to focus and review all the lessons every day?

Okay, this is great. I just don't like the fact that it portrays you in a negative way all throughout the essay, until the very end...

I would like to see what happens if you put the last 2 paragraphs way up near the beginning of the essay and figure out a different conclusion. I really like those last 2 paragraphs, and I think the story should be told in a non-chronological order so that those 2 paragraphs can be seen early in the reading process.

:-) nice job!!!

Undergraduate / Application Essay about how i messed up in high school (my record) [12]

That seems a lot better to me.
I still think this sentence seems too judgmental:
Each year she had gotten worse to the point where it was unbearable to live with her.---I would take this sentence right out. It is not necessary, and you'll really make a more powerful presentation if you make it completely objective.

Because of these problems, During this same time period, I suffered from depression and anxiety. since all throughout high school. Let the reader be the one to decide that your depression was probably caused by her.

This is looking good!

Writing Feedback / Suicide Bombings: Cost Effective Terrorism (Final Paper for Sophmore Year PSU) [2]

Hi Jeanie!

It's not good to start with a definition unless the message of your essay has something to do with that definition. Your essay is about suicide bombers, so it is arbitrary to begin with a definition of terrorism. Begin with a fascinating fact or idea about suicide bombing. In fact, the idea of the "human precision missile" might be good to mention in the first sentence of the intro paragraph and you can use the last sentence of the intro paragraph to express your main conclusion after considering all these various subtopics you list.

fateful morning when... (not where)


Good question! This might be good to include in the intro paragraph.

You need a conjunction here:
After noting this phenomenon, Volkan concludes that (at least within the Aramaic cultures) suicide bombers struggle with their personal identity, AND this makes the terrorist organization so appealing because it offers a group identity.

As mentioned earlier, the beliefs of the suicide bomber as compared to the typical person who commits suicide is vastly different. The suicide bomber expirences pride, justice, and belief of superiority and uniqueness through their death. ------It would be good to cite a source here or give some evidence.

You did a great job with this! I want to challenge you about the ending, though. The whole essay is all about the conditions that predispose someone to possibly become a suicide bomber, but... at the end you claim that it is the person's nature. I think that is contradictory, because the essay is not about the idea that it is any person's nature to do heinous things. It is all about the circumstances... so I think that scorpion story has no place in this essay.

;-)

Book Reports / Rhetorical Analysis of "Letting From Birmingham Jail" [2]

Hi Erin, welcome to EssayForum!

Okay, you are trying to say relevant, not prevalent, so change that word...

While King's letter was set and written in the 1960's, it is still relevant today. Martin Luther King was not only a civil rights activist for Blacks, but ...

...his logic and rhetoric ARE to be admired.

...takes politeness to an extreme at which it becomes an art form...

When you give a direct quote, include the page number:
Then he follows that statement with an argument of logic, "Anyone who lives inside the United States can never be considered an outsider anywhere within its bounds" (43). This argument hammers out the message that everyone in the United States is one people and equal.

It's good that you write in the present tense about the piece of literature in question:
King also plays on our pathos when he mentions people from history.
...but continue to write in the present tense here:
To play against our sense of right and wrong, he used uses Hitler as an example: "We should never...

Not only is the letter well written and full of such beautiful writing, but it also presses an issue that is still prominent today.

:-) Nice job, be confident! I think you will now be able to write better and more easily than you were ever able to write as a teenager. That is what happened to me...

Book Reports / Morality and Responsibility essay (connection between Frankenstein and Blade runner) [3]

I think you should add a sentence right after the first sentence of the essay. Make it a sentence that explains what you mean by CONNECTIONS. That will help the reader to understand the phenomenon you are describing.

These texts can be familiarised with each other in the sense that much similarity can be seen through the notion of morality and responsibility. ---That is not the way to use FAMILIARIZED. I think you should choose a different word, like "likened." They can be likened to one another...

It seems like if you want to embark upon this weighty discussion you need to write a lot more. Is this the introduction to something?

It seems that your main message is about the fact that "connections can be made," but I think you can come up with something even more specific and meaningful.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Bribery in Morocco - citizens should stand against their leaders. [6]


What a beautiful sentence this is! You write well...

Here are some ideas:
However, others say this is not true because ordinary citizens are suffering lot from many daily problems associated with corruption, a social disease that kills happiness and enthusiasm of poor people. The indifference of the authorities is the major reason for the spread of bribery in society. If the government is serious about...

I made a few small changes here. I don't think bribery is the disease. I think it is a symptom. The disease is "corruption."

You have an extra f here:
If there is a serious decision in the side of the authorities to stop bribery in morocco, there should be a committee charged of f the execution of the law against this undesired phenomenon.

:-)

Graduate / "to gain skills in Strategy and Finance" essay for UCLA Anderson School of Management [4]

You can't use COMMUNICATED this way:
I was communicated that this position has no chance to be converted to permanent.

I was communicated informed that this position had no chance to be converted to a permanent one. I took my...
Or you could do something like this:
My manager communicated to me that this position had...

And be careful of this grammar error:
My responsibilities include supporting senior leaders and...

hyphen:
decision-makers

Use a comma:
I am a doer, and I want to move to...

Very nice job! I like your DECISION-MAKER theme!! Use a hyphen with that term, and it will be more impressive.

:-)

Writing Feedback / People can have many benefits by deciding to eat at home [5]

Great thread!
In this spot, you used DESPITE when you were supposed to use UNLIKE:
Despite Unlike eating at a restaurant or even at a fast food establishment, people do not have to be perfectly dressed or appeared as if they are flawless. As for me, when I eat at home, I can lay on my couch and watch TV without caring about others' judgments.

I made many changes above. Did you notice this one? ----> others'

The word despite is different. Use it like this:
Despite the interesting experiences I had, I really did not enjoy my vacation.
"Despite" is a word to use when you might use "even though:...
Even though I had interesting experiences, I really did not enjoy my vacation.

:-)

Graduate / "My career goals" - Motivation Letter for Master in Economics [4]

Capitalize German in that first letter. Also, give it an interesting theme. What is the unique thing about your outlook on the field of econ? What is unique about what you want to accomplish?

Do you know what I mean? In the intro you just announced your field of choice, but you also need to introduce some word, some term, some concept that can be the THEME of the essay and burn into the reader's memory.


No need for a comma in a situation like this. Take out that comma...

Try this strategy: Think of 3 ideas you want to make sure the reader remembers after finishing the essay. Write those three ideas in 3 eloquent sentences. Make each of those 3 sentences the topic sentence for one of the body paragraphs of the essay.

(The topic sentence is the first sentence of the paragraph.)
Try to make sure each paragraph topic sentence is clear, meaningful, and complete.
Another important advantage, is the international environment that this Programme provides. ----This sentence expresses something simple. It is a paragraph topic sentence, though, so it should express something interesting, an interesting idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Advantages: Teachers should encourage their students to question everything. [4]


Yes! That is a good way to write it. You can also omit the "to" if you prefer:
They help the students improve.

That first sentence is a run-on sentence. I see that Annika fixed it by adding a conjunction ("and"). That is a good idea! You can also just separate them into 2 sentences:

I remember those days in high school where I taught biology. All my students never missed even one session through whole semester because they found my class different from others.

And then we can improve the swiftness and clarity of the sentence:
I remember those days in high school when I taught biology. All my students had perfect attendance throughout the whole semester because they found my class different from others.

Great job here... I like the essay, but the last sentence does not seem very strong:
Teachers should encourage their students to ask their question to take all those advantages that are mentioned. too simple and obvious! But this essay is well-written.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Classes where teachers lecture (do all of the talking) in class. [4]

Hi Ann, I had to move this essay to its own thread. Let's make a new thread for every essay so that we stay organized. :-)

As for me, I prefer the classes where students can interact and do some of the talking, since I believe it gives they give many advantages and benefits that I am going to explain in the following paragraphs.----I just made these small changes. They are not very important. You do not have many errors!

Keep it plural: positions
For instance, they become skilled at supporting their opinions, expressing their positions properly and...

Well done. If you want to make the argument even stronger, you can give a paragraph to explain why some people might think it is better for the teacher to do all the talking, and then you can show how those benefits are not as good as the benefits of interaction.

That is called "refuting the counter-argument"...
:-)

Oh, and also... I do not know how to score it! But I think it will get a perfect or nearly perfect score.

Book Reports / "A thousand Splendid suns" change is a force that transcends our reach. [3]

Hi Paul, welcome to EssayForum!

Here is a place where a colon is really useful for intensifying the reader's experience:
However, this poem demonstrates one aspect of life: people would not change if nothing was pushing them forward.

And write the book title like this, with capital letters:
This is made explicitly clear in the novel
This is made explicitly clear in A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini through exploring ...

Let's simplify here:
These two girls lead very different lives. [name] was constantly oppressed since childhood, and [other name] was treated well and thoroughly educated by her father.

You write beautifully. But how about throwing in some MLA citations? If you do a direct quote, just put the page number after the " mark and before the period:

Despite knowing that she would be executed, she showed extreme courage, something she lacked previously and was content knowing that now, "she was leaving the world as a woman who had loved and been loved back. She was leaving it as a friend , a companion, a guardian. A Mother. A person of consequence at last" (202). As the time, setting and other characters change, Mariam and ...

Both "Sky High" and "A thousand Splendid Suns" portray the changes time can make on people and how it acts as a catalyst for their actions.---- I think this will be successful. Still, it seems like you can sharpen the theme. You can get a little more meaningful than saying the "changes time can make" are catalysts for actions.That is too obvious. Go one step further, and draw a conclusion that can be really useful. You are one step away from awesomeness.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Air traffic; more secure fuel and housebuilding with sound insulating walls [5]

You are obviously very smart and skilled with English. But you write in a way that is too complex. Use short sentences. Short sentences are the most powerful. In fact, the shorter the better.

Here is an example:
A question about whether the escalation of the costs on airline tickets is worthwhile method to root out the problems associated with the airline industry. These problems include the scream of jets and striking noise as planes take off and pernicious impact on the environment. The government can reduce air travel and the associated problems by increasing taxes, but this idea generates a great deal of heated debate among supporters ad opponents.

:-)

Please practice typing the above paragraph now that it has correct grammar and a clear presentation.

Writing Feedback / Ielts Essay: Attitude towards 21 century and the world [6]

Okay, this essay is almost perfect. You really do not need any help, because it is a very powerful argument. You really did a great job by any standards.

For example, the greenhouse gases, which mainly resulted result from the emission from cars, or airplanes, have almost doubled during the past 20 years, despite the increasing effort made by international community.---Ha ha, this is the only correction I can make! You write very well, and any reader will recognize that you have great command of language.

One way to improve is to write a longer conclusion. If you have a GREAT argument, you probably cannot stop talking about it... you probably have a lot to say. So say a little more at the end. With the great argument, you earned the right to rant a little at the end and offer the reader something "extra" to think about.

:-)

Essays / How will you have impacted Africa in 20 years' time? Essay suggestions. [5]

Hi George, you did a great job here! This kind of discourse is exactly what we all need, and I really appreciate the time you spent.


Okay, I want to make this very clear so there is no misunderstanding: Your job is to give a presentation to show the reader what you hope to accomplish, and you can do that any way you want to. You could write it all in the future tense that goes with "will have." For example:

I will have saved countless lives by setting up a nonprofit organization, and my articles will have been published in professional journals.

Or, you can do it all in the present tense as if you are giving an account of one's life work:
I save countless lives by setting up a nonprofit organization, and my articles are published in professional journals.---This way, it sounds like you are reviewing a film... I like it!

Just write it in whatever way it comes out of your brain, and post it here! We'll look at it and give ideas.

:-)

Scholarship / "From Nepal to USA studying while doing a part time job" - Techno MBA scholarship [4]

Some men see things as they are and ask why; I dream things that never were and ask why not?

The major portion of the remaining 30% consists of educated technical people who are also resistant reluctant to stay back in the country, as they assume faster growth and possibilities exist abroad.---I needed to add the verb "exist"...

Alongside Confusing word... In addition to teaching university students, I want to conduct training and consulting services on entrepreneurship for other general citizens , especially targeting rural communities.

The American dream, to us, has always been confined to the notion of actually traveling to the United States and studying while doing a part-time job.

I really would like to answer the professor's question and put apply all my efforts to change things so that next time he will say Nepalese are as good as Indians in all terms.

This is one of the best essays. It is a demonstration of succinct, clear explanations and a very detailed plan for the future. Thanks for sharing it. I am going to post a link to this essay so that a lot of people can benefit from it: Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept.

Please check out the contributor page! (Link at the bottom of the screen). Welcome to EssayForum, I am very impressed!

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]


Hi Jennifer, I'm sorry I missed this when you posted it. I really think you do not need to worry about it, because it is not going to seem like you tried to trick them into thinking you came up with the concept as it exists in metaphysics. I bet you got accepted.

Hello, everyone, I just wanted to add this useful link to this thread, because it will take you to an essay that demonstrates an excellent, detailed vision of the future and plenty of concrete evidence to "show" rather than "tell" the reader that THIS IS A SERIOUS STUDENT. Here it is: https://essayforum.com/scholarship-22/nepal-usa-studying-doing-part-time-job-techno-mba-28441/

Graduate / Economics as the Science of Why/MSc Econ&Finance/Warwick/Feedback [4]

It gave me the notion that the purpose of economics is to answer questions of why the things are the way they are.---I simplified a little here... if you like it this way...

This is a run on sentence:
This was why I was glad to learn of Warwick's CRETA, it shares my view that economics is an interdisciplinary subject.

Just turn that comma into a semi-colon, and it will be awesome.

:-)

Can you make it more defined at the end? I think there is one more detail to the view you share. It is an interdisciplinary subject, and also _______________________.

Writing Feedback / The Advantages And Disadvantages Of The Internet. Addiction? [5]

Hello friend, I don't know how to score the essay, because I don't know what criteria to use or what point system to use. But I like you, so I'll give you 100% :-)

Here are some corrections!

Nowadays. ---Practice that word.

Nowadays, we face to many different programs in the mass media, such as TV, radio, Internet. We envisage not only advertisement(propaganda) but also increasing development in tools and methods to allow easier access to the Internet, such as iPad, notebook, etc.

One of the considerable forms of mass media is the Internet.

Capitalize Internet, because it is a proper noun, like a name.

as far as we know everything can have advantages or disadvantages,so and the Internet is no exception. Users of the Internet could easily become addicted to surfing without aim or playing games on the internet, and it is really baneful for teenagers and adults because they waste their time and don't do homework.

Furthermore, the other thing that we are encountering is the abusing of information.

Use "The"
The Internet is a source of...

...many different kinds of information, and that information is beneficial for researchers and students.

Do not use &.
It is informal. Use "and."

:-)

Writing Feedback / "moving my eyes over African journals" - what are you passionate about and why? [3]

Awesome edit, Ershad...

Reading the journals is my way of life; this has formed the basis for my existence.----I like this.

Basically Reading these journals is my only means to be in the past, present and future.

They have, to a large degree, been the sculptor of my daily activities.----Try to omit the extra words. They seem nice while you write them., but actually they should be edited out later. :-)

They have been the engineering hands enlarging my scope. When I am reading a sad story full of sweat, trouble and betrayal I scratch my head in response as though I was the one involved, however it reveals a miniature reflection of the future and how carefully I should tread to avoid troubles and mistakes. In a similar vein, when I am studying a sweet story,---Very cool, can you give some examples of some stories? You must have some specialized interests.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "to reassure his trust in me" - Do you believe you are a leader? Why or why not. [3]

It's going to be confusing if you do not use a comma:
"Promise, you're a...

And here is a little suggestion:
My old man was very happy, probably because he saw in me the person he wanted me to be.

Anyway, excellent job here. This essay is to-the-point, clear, meaningful, thoughtful... one of my favorites.

:-)