Scholarship / My parents are my first role models when it comes to the idea of leadership. U of Toronto essay [2]

Hi Jennifer, I congratulate you on choosing to use your parents as the role model for leadership in your essay. Not every young person today opts to admit that they have such admiration for their parents. The fact that you want to be like them in terms of leadership is something that makes this essay special. However, it does have its short-comings.

When you say that your mother and father are the examples of leadership in your life, it stands to reason that you will be presenting at least one each of the leadership traits that your parents individually have. After all it is their combined leadership in your family's restaurant business that made it a success. So my proposal to you is this, represent your parents equally in the essay. As of now, you only speak of the leadership skills of your mother and its relation to your family business. Don't you think your father deserves the same representation in the essay?

If you will consider my suggestion, the format of your essay, which should make it more representative of your claims, should be as follows:
1. Describe the leadership skill you admire in your mother, explain why that is so.
2. Talk about your father's role in the business and what makes him a leader also.
3. Describe how these 2 traits had an impact on you growing up.
4. Present the project you developed and presented to the principal. Make sure it includes references to your parents leadership traits.
5. Conclude the essay.

Scholarship / Networking is one of my personality traits... Applying for first scholarship to Chevening [2]

Malek, this essay is similar to a college definition essay and nothing more. It does not reflect the criteria by which a future Chevening scholar is appraised and judged by the reviewer. It is not enough to merely say that you have a talent for networking and that it is a personality trait of yours. You need to be able to prove those claims. No, simply mentioning the companies you worked for and claiming that it helped you build your network is not sufficient enough to support your claim either.

What can make your essay stronger will be the presentation of supporting evidence along with your claims. Basically, you need to show the reviewer how you developed a network at these offices and how you utilized them for your or your organization's benefit. The ability to network is something important to your application because as an alumna of the foundation, you will be expected to use your network contacts, past, present, and future, to help the other scholarship awardees in the future.

You can create a timeline for the contacts that you made. Explain why it was necessary to create that network, how you fostered it, and how you keep that network contact alive and productive today. Every little idea regarding how you function within a network setting will help to create the strong message that your essay requires.

Scholarship / I was always up to take leadership.... LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION. Chevening Scholarship. [2]

Firuz, there is no sense in mentioning your grandmother in this essay. Her influence upon you and the succeeding discussion about your friends does not have as relationship to your professional abilities to lead. Social leadership is different from professional leadership. In this case, you should present your professional leadership immediately.

There is a lack of inclusive information regarding your college training and how it helped you deal with the crisis at your office. What, in your IT background created an idea in your head that you would be able to lead this team if your volunteered to lead the task? Mention your areas of expertise in relation to work crisis management.

Okay, don't tell the reviewer that you acted as a delivery man for the team while they worked. That is not exactly the kind of motivational and leadership skill that would impress the reviewer. Instead, present some sort of situation where the team wished to give up on seeking a solution to the problem. How did you motivate them to work under stress and how did you lead them to the correct solution when everything seemed hopeless?

The rest of the essay seems to be on track with the rest of the prompt requirements as far as i can tell. So those parts can be edited later on.

Graduate / Having a career plan is crucial to the successful development of any individual. Chevening essay [2]

Amuelle, your career plans should be mentioned in terms of years projected for the achievement and not in your age digits. Keep in mind that the reviewer can't be bothered with minor details such as learning your current age in relation to your plans while he is reviewing your application. In order to clearly represent your career growth, you must mention these in terms of 5 and 10 year plans. Analyze your current plans and group them into groups that fall under the short and long term goals. Then discuss the plans in a similar manner. There is a lack of clarity in your planning at the moment. The information you have is confusing because it jumps from short term to long term then back to short term goals at the moment. That makes your career plan difficult to keep track of and remember. BTW, you don't need to explain the need for a career plan to the reviewer in a single sentence. That is something that he already knows. So don't waste your character count on senseless statements.

Scholarship / 'the flexibility and openness to adapt are the keys' - LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION [3]

Carlos, you need to be more specific about the leadership skill that you presented in your essay. You claim that your being an agroomist for a period of time resulted in a higher yield of crops for harvesting. Prior to presenting that information, you must give a background of what the harvest amount was previously like. What were the problems related to crop growth and harvesting, and how you decided to approach the problem. The leadership aspect will come from the way that you convinced other farmers to give your ideas a chance by implementing them. The influencing part, will be represented by the change in the mindset that you effected upon the other farmers upon the success of your proposed solution. Relating these information will also help to increase the length of your essay which, at the moment, is too short and does not really accomplish the task of proving your leadership and influencing skills.

Scholarship / To eradicate the wrong thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE essay [7]

Faisel, Your work as a site engineer is the more compelling story to be told in this essay. This is where your professional experience with regards to leadership and influence, is most important. I am sad that you left it for the end of the essay and spent so much time writing an introduction that introduced the concept of leadership as you understood it rather than introducing you as a leader and influential person in the field. Truth be told, this essay would have been better off immediately starting with your self introduction as a site engineer and then immediately following through with a narration of your leadership abilities in relation to the work.

I am puzzled though, by your presentation of your duties and responsibilities at the work site. It sounded more to me like you were a a rank and file employee instead of a leader with duties and responsibilities that matched the work title. Even when I reference your college experience, there as not experience mentioned to warrant the title of leader. Neither was there any incident in both instances that would have required you to act in an influential position.

Do you not have the proper leadership experience to share with Chevening? The scenarios you have presented are quite weak and do not really improve your chances at gaining the scholarship. We need a narrative that shows off your definition of leadership and your leadership skills instead of having you explain the concept to the reader. It is necessary that you show the reviewer how you manage to influence people as well. That was not seen at all in either case either. You seemed to be working as a one person team in college and a mere follower as a professional. You need to strengthen the samples that you will be using in this essay. These just won't make your essay formidable in the eyes of the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work. [3]

Hi Maxim, I believe that this could have the potential to gain a band score of 6. It offers a somewhat coherent discussion of the essay and presents appropriate evidence, even though that evidence may not be the most up to date information that could be presented. I did find a number of flaws in your essay though.

Let's take a look at the introduction first. Though you presented both sides of the argument, you did not clearly state your opinion. You sounded off an agreement in the sentence but did not reflect what you were agree to. Was it the pro or the con? When developing your opening statement, keep in mind that you need to clearly indicate your response to the prompt (when required) as a personal opinion as it is an integral part of the essay discussion.

Next, your use of John Rockefeller as an example is good since he founded one of the richest families in America. However, he is too historical for the pop culture crowd. Try to present examples from the current era in order to make a connection with the reader and show that you understand the applications of the prompt to modern times.

Since your opinion was asked for, you should have had an extra paragraph in there that discussed your personal opinion, based upon your personal information or beliefs. The lack of that discussion showed that you did not completely understand the prompt requirements and therefore, affected the final score.

Your conclusion is also flawed as you presented a single thought process as a single sentence when the required paragraph number is 3 -5. Had you managed to follow the instructions more completely, you would have gotten a higher score.

Writing Feedback / The kind of problem people often face when starting to stay abroad - according to age. [3]

Ivan, please allow me to share with you a properly worded version of your essay report for future reference:

The chart provides information about the kinds of problems people face when they move to another country. The problems are presented according to the age of the person who moved away. In a nutshell, the 35-54 year old people face the most problematic challenge. The highest ranked problem for this age group was healthcare. While the least problem for their age was finding a school for their children.

Financial problems represented the greatest problem for the younger generation aged 18-34. The represented 35 % of the money problem. While only 29 % of the 35 - 54 population considered money a problem. On the other hand, the 35-54 age group had healthcare as their biggest and trickiest problem. With only 33 % represented by the age group, this showed that the people over the age of 55 had 31 % of the problems presented to deal with. While the 18 -34 year old people had only 31 % of the problems to resolve. Finally, 29 % of the participants in the survey had a social integration problem.

The least problem for the participants seemed to be finding a school for their children. This was pretty common among the middle aged people. While the 19 year old bracket only represented 6 % of this problem. the oldest people in the group represented only 2 % of the population that faced those surveys.

If you will learn how to collate the information provided into groups that can be discussed fluidly in the report, then you should not have a problem composing the essay anymore.

Scholarship / I always admired the skills of leadership of many people in my country. Chevening Scholarship. [3]

Alvin, while I believe that you have the potential to be a great leader and influential figure in the future, I don't believe that your essay does you justice at this point. Mostly because you are referring to a generic event from college that required only amateur leadership and almost no influencing of your team members on your part. Now, you claim to have professional experience as a leader. Since Chevening deals with the awarding of masters degree scholarships to deserving students, you should be able to refer to more than just simple college experience for this prompt. Most of the applicants will be applying from a position of strength because of their leadership and influencing skills that they gained in the performance of their duties. Therefore, it would be best if you would try to find a point in time during your professional career when you did exactly that. At the moment, your essay is really very weak and doesn't really hold the interest of the leader. Mostly because your leadership skills and influencing ability discussed does not provide an insight into your development as leader and influential person in the community or at work. In fact, the essay sounds more like a college common prompt response more than anything else.

Scholarship / I have always said that architecture is my passion but volunteering has my heart. Applying Chevening [5]

Liseth, you should consider revising your essay to reflect only a single, but highly important activity that you participated in which clearly sets the tone for your ability to lead and influence people. From the way I reviewed your essay, all you did was relay your civic activities which did not necessarily reflect your leadership and influencing role in the organizations. What you should reflect in this essay is an incident that you can recall, as a participant in any event, where you were called upon to lead a group. The essay prompt begs you to display your leadership traits in a manner that the other essays attached to your application did not allow you to do so. I really did not see anything similar to that in this essay. Volunteering your services and time is highly different from leading a group and inspiring them to do their best.

Maybe there was an occasion at the Rotary that you can use for this? Your FIFA experience did not deliver on that requirement either. All of the activities that you presented in this essay show your abilities as a "follower" instead of as a "leader". My advice is for you to go back to the drafting table. This time, try to recall an incident, no matter how minor, that you can develop into an act of leadership and influencing on your part. That is the only way to get this essay to respond properly to the prompt.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

If this is the format that you are comfortable using, then this is what we shall use Juanita. I mean, I am only here to make suggestions. The final format and content of the essay is something that you will have to determine for yourself. So all I will do not is edit the paragraphs for you.

While most of THE Colombians complain ...
... day of ABOUT the political ...
... I decided to step out of the usual NORM and do something for the place I´ve grown GREW up in.
... political party REPRESENTATIVES speaking with TO the people...
... questionS they had ...
... In order to accomplish it THIS... volunteer called NAMED Felix gave us ...

Without thinking it twice, we called ...
... we went exactly where RETURNED TO WHERE we had been the day before...
... Our job was collecting TO COLLECT signatures to support...
... claim of REGARDING THE unconstitutionality of the "Peace Legislative Act"...
... would have given GIVE president Santos the exact same special powers ...
... but because THE government has spent an unimaginable amount of money...
... in order to convince society of TO supporting the peace treaty...
... A treaty that is described by Mary Anastasia O´Grady as a "trap".

Since June 4th , ...
...to discuss about the controversial issues that have happened during the week, as well as we have HAVING meetings...
...former president itself HIMSELF or senators...
... but surely not because ... as most of teenagers...
... Saturday being a better person t...

... THE C campaign which was based ... on explaining TO all sectors of society
...half prior TO the voting day, IS THE reason why I had to read it deeply in 3 days...
... had never felt more secure CONFIDENT of myself.
I can´t completely explain how this THESE 5 months made me grow as a person...
... I had become asecure SELF - CONFIDENT and strong young woman...

By now, whoever is reading this essay YOU might be asking himself YOURSELF why anyone would oppose to peace.
... peace when the cocaine production has doubled in OVER the past 6 years...
...conversations are been hosted in Cuba ...
... guerrillaS. ... weapons are left SET aside are AND victims are economically repaired RESTORED. ...

I made a slight revision to the closing paragraph to make it more attuned with the rest of the essay:
As my best friend and I stood in front of the television screen display at a local store, we saw the results of the October 2 plebiscite. We could not help but celebrate and scream, "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

I hope these revisions and suggestions work for you.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

Hey Juanita, we can definitely help you further improve the grammar of the essay, but first you need to make sure that the revisions are applied to your work and that there are no other changes to be made to the content of the essay. The word count of the essay is important, but not as important as the information that you have placed in it. Once you have completed the revisions and posted the new version of the essay, we can have a better idea regarding the parts that can be improved or edited to make the paper quicker to read and yet, still interesting to the reviewer. At the moment, I can't do anything for you. I can only jump in after you have done your part in terms of reformatting the content of the essay.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [4]

Aysha, I will have to tell you that the essay has an overly long introduction when it does not need to be. The reviewer is not interest in your background on an individual basis. This prompt requires you to discuss only the 3 university programs that you are interested in. This is the main reason that your essay is running over the word limit. As a rule, you should only present the immediate requirement of the prompt. Don't try to tell you academic biography when it is not required. Now, I understand that you believe the opening you made is perfect. But it runs 2 paragraphs long and the actual discussion of importance, was presented in a single paragraph. That is absolutely the wrong format for this essay.

I apologize for saying this but you will have to go back and write a new essay in the following format, which is the correct format for this essay:

Par. 1 - Simple introduction, no more than 8 sentences. Just mention the common factors that led to your choice of these 3 schools.
Par. 2-4 - University, name of the course, academic or professional experience related to your interest, how does the university program relate to your future plans. You may also discuss some, but not a comprehensive history of your academic background. Just discuss your academics that relate directly to your course choice. A mere mention of the highlights of your academic career should suffice. That experience should be spread out through the 3 schools. Remember, you should compare the 3 programs based upon your academic ability and professional experience.

Par. 5 - Conclusion

The concentration of your essay must be on the universities you have chosen. Not a justification of your background. Your only justification, should relate to the course you have chosen and how your work or academic experience shows this course of study as a progression for your career. BTW, double check the universities you were discussing, you only under developed a discussion of 2 out of the 3 universities.

I must apologize for asking you to do this. I know that you feel your essay is almost ready for submission. But you can't submit it in this current form. You need to follow the format of the prompt and stick only to the requirements you were given. That is because all the other information you are providing at the beginning of your current essay can already be read by the reviewer in your other application essays and documents submitted. Avoid redundancy at all cost. Stick to the instructions.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

HI Juanita, sorry about that. I did not realize that I did it. Let me post the corrected version here:

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par .4: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par. 5: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

The answer to your question is yes, your grammar throughout the essay is acceptable. That said, I would be remiss if I did not tell you that the essay can use some editing. Some paragraphs are longer than it should be at this point but I refrained from editing the length because you did not indicate that you needed that to be done. Yes again, your story definitely shows a transition from childhood to adulthood. In fact, it happened during a notable time in your country's history and you were instrumental in making it happen. So that will definitely work in your favor with the reviewer once he reads this paper.

Scholarship / The three university courses choice - Applying for Chevening Scholarship, need help with my essay! [4]

Hi Aysha, as I can see from the existing thread, there have been some revisions suggested to you. Have you applied the changes? If you have done so, please post your latest essay version in this thread so we can continue to work on it. In answer to your question, it is extremely important that you stick to the word count because of 2 reasons:

1. It shows your ability to follow simple instructions;
2. If you are going to post this in an application box on the university website, your essay will be cut midstream because the box is designed to accommodate a specific word count. It could render your application useless.

Please post the essay at your convenience, we will do our best to help you edit the content in order to meet the word requirement.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Yes, I do believe that removing those portions will help your essay. However, I have a concern regarding the first paragraph section that you wish to remove. It seems like it will affect the message of the essay. So, rather than deleting the whole portion, why not try to revise it instead? My suggestion is as follows:

... Society of Sudanese Petroleum Engineers (SSPE). In hindsight, this THIS experience inspired me to (...) in the university ALONGSIDE MY WORK FOR and SSPE even though its steep learning curve seemed daunting at first. THIS IS WHERE I LEARNED TO USE TWO NETWORKS FOR THEIR INDIVIDUAL BENEFITS AND SUCCESS. No different from any other social network, I learned to make, ...

I caught some other parts in the final paragraph that can use some editing:

Lastly, as AS a Chevener, I will actively participate (...) among the United Kingdom CHEVENING SCHOLARS, alumni and INTERNATIONAL scholars, utilizing support from impact-full IMPACTFUL Chevening alumni network and mine MY PERSONAL NETWORK.

Would you like me to review your essay after you edit it? I will gladly help you out.

Writing Feedback / Sort of problems people have when they move into the other countries, according to ages [4]

... about THE sort of problems ...
they move in to the other countries.
THE CHART LISTS THE NUMBERS according to ages.
...problem is for IS RELATED TO finding the best health care ...
... in those countries FOR THE in 35-54 years old people.

... of people aged 35-54 are having HAVE A problem on looking for finances...
while those in THE 18-34 age group finds it easier which is AT under 35 percent.
... in over 55 years old show ...
... 30 percent of them find the finances as a problem

Sorting ACQUIRING of medical care for MIDDLE AGED people in the middle age ...
... which AT is above 36 percent. The older people find the THAT health care is more difficult TO ACQUIRE...
...youngest people which is AT above 35 percent.
...people has HAVE the lowest percentage than others which is AT under 35 percent.

Looking FOR A school for the children become IS the most difficulties for the productive ages which is under 20 ... ... People who have ARE 18-34 years old sort the school as a problem in 6 percent REPRESENT 6 PERCENT OF THIS PROBLEM.

...have difficulties to find the school IN FINDING SCHOOLS for children which is AT above 2 percent.

Writing Feedback / About a time you learned a valuable lesson. Describe what happened and what the lesson was. [3]

An, your essay is very difficult to read because the grammar is not good at all. It makes the reader anxious while reading it because your expression is not being expressed in an understandable manner. This essay really needs a lot of work so let me help you by rewriting this essay for you. After I rewrite it, do not change anything. Just use the version I will be giving you. That is the best way to clean up your work at this point.

When I first arrived in the United States, I knew that I would have to drive a car in order to get around my community. However, I did not realize that there weere such strict rules in driving in the U.S.. So, what I thought would be a simple process of just getting behind the wheel and stepping on the gas then off I would be to my destinantion was incorrect. Turns out, I needed more preparation than just a willingness to drive before I could really get behind the wheel.

My cousin, who had much faith in my potential to become a good driver, tried to help me learn the rules of the road before I took the written test for a student permit. While my other family members passed the test, I failed. My mother, trying to help me feel better after my failure told me that I mustn't give up because I would eventually succeed. She was right After a week, I retook and passed the test.

Admittedly, my cousin lost his faith in me because I failed to pass the test my first time out. So he was very anxious when we started my driving lesson. He kept on yelling at me instead of instructing me. He scared me during our lessons so I did not do a good job the first few times. As soon as I got comfortable behind the wheel though, driving came almost naturally to me. My cousin was convinced I was going to fail the practical test because of his little faith in me, even when I showed him improvement. So, when I took the practical driving test and I passed on my first try, he was surprised. Yet, it somehow restored his faith in me.

So, what was the lesson that I learned from my travails as a new driver? Don't let the lessons stress you out. If you want to succeed at something, you have to do it at your own pace. More importantly, it is important for me to keep believing and having faith in myself when everyone else around me has lost confidence in me. I will succeed as long as I believe in my abilities. The opinion of others, specially when it is negative, shouldn't matter to me.

Writing Feedback / I don't know how to add more depth into my essay! Help me. [3]

Hi Faith. by coming to use for help, you are showing a desire to develop the best essay that you can submit to your teacher. So, you were provided with the prompt and you have already written your response to it. Why didn't you post the essay here along with your plea for help? We can help you better once you have uploaded your essay to this thread. Don't start a new one, just upload the essay after my response to you. After you do that, we can analyze it for content and use the prompt as a guide in studying you work. It is only then that we can offer solid advice as to how to further improve the content of your response. We will be waiting for the essay because we are eager to help you out.

Undergraduate / My homosexuality - Overcoming adversity and embracing individualism - common app essay [4]

Kush, go ahead and write the essay even if it goes over the limit. I can always help you edit it for content and word count compliance once the information is already complete in the essay. As a far as application essays go, expect to always go over the word limit during the first few drafts. It will eventually shorten itself as you go through the editing process.

I believe that you can insert the information about your mother in the following area:
Then sophomore year ended.

Since that is only a single line, it doesn't really say much or do much in terms of moving the essay forward. However, if you add information at this point about your relationship with your mother, it comes immediately after her facial expression made you feel like a failure in her eyes. So the events that happened after you came out to her will be perfectly positioned to help transition into the next paragraph relating to the acceptance of the people you work with.

Just add the information as needed at this point. Then review the essay and see if you can find points that you can edit, revise to shorten, or simply delete in order to meet the word count. If you have a problem with the editing, you know I'm always here to help :-)

Undergraduate / How to add more about myself in Cornell CAS application essay? [10]

Exactly like that. When you write a sentence, you should always have a topic in every sentence. In this case, the subject is the "backstage pass towards the science of life". Upon further review of what yo wrote, I believe that you can remove the following sentence from the essay:

These two subjects are ones that, in my studies, seemed to never coincide. My high school never offered courses that factored in both biological and political science.

You don't need to restate this information because you already opened the essay with that very information. So it ends up becoming a redundancy when you say it again in the middle of the essay as a stand alone sentence. Unless you can add some new information to it to create a new paragraph, it doesn't make sense to keep it.

Research Papers / Zero Carbon Architecture: A unique research topic in this area [2]

Ofor, I think that one of the fields you can research would be the creation of zero carbon homes. As you know, homes have become more modern and use more electricity in the process. Air conditioning and refrigeration in homes cause a higher carbon footprint these days than the more energy efficient buildings. Maybe you can find an area of this sub - topic that will be of interest to you and can become the focal point of your research? You can consider the effects of carbon emission from homes and its effect on the immediate environment, which is normally overlooked in the architectural design of homes unless pointed out during the home design process. That's just a simple idea that I hope can help point you in the right direction. My best wishes in finding the topic for your paper.

Undergraduate / How to add more about myself in Cornell CAS application essay? [10]

Your essay improved over the previous version, however, you still were not able to provide a complete thought process for the following sentence:
As an 8th grader, I fell in love with the study of life. To me, biology was the inside-look, the backstage pass, that I had been searching for.

As I pointed our previously, you need to immediately point out what that backstage pass is that you need. Complete the thought by saying something like:

... backstage pass towards the science of life. How we exist as beings and why we exist in that manner...
Aside from this one little problem, the essay has developed quite well and can use some editing to tighten the presentation. First, we need to address the tiny problem that I mentioned above.

Scholarship / The strong career plan must depend on the person's skills, qualifications, and experience. CHEVENING [2]

Kareem, your post study career plan sounds highly feasible. Allowing the reviewer to conclude that you are a serious student whose interest in this course will lead you towards a rewarding, if not lucrative career back in your home country. The only problem I can see with your essay is that there is a gap of 5 years between your first 2 years plan and the continuing plans you have for your career after 7 years. Now, normally, the reviewer will be interested in your 5 year career plan since that is closest to the time when you graduate from the program. Since your 2 year plan seems quite compact, it is unclear how you plan to accomplish all those goals within 2 years. My advice is to spread your 2 year plan over a period of 5 years. That way the 7 year progression will sound more logical to the reader.

Undergraduate / Edit my Upenn essay (explore your interest) [9]

Prajain, there is a clearly under developed part in this essay that you need to work on in order to present a more definitive explanation as to how you will explore your intellectual and academic interests at UPenn. Pay attention to the paragraph that indicates:

... In addition, it allows me to design my own curriculum ...
- Add an explanation as to the kind of curriculum you might design and why you feel that it will enhance your educational experience at the university.

... the Bloomberg terminal provides an excellent platform for research on investments, market trends, required government action/regulation.
- How do you plan to utilize this educational offer in order to heighten your academic and intellectual interests?

The group study rooms also serve as a great additional resource for intense discussions.
- Intense discussions regarding what topic? What kind of engaging, friendly, and open minded discussion topics would excite you into participating in discussions with other students?

The response to this essay cannot just be simple. It has to be informative, imaginative, and executable in real life once you attend the university.

Scholarship / I'm applying to a Chevening scholarship but I need some help with this four questions. [4]

Here is an idea for you regarding networking. Think of an activity that you participated in where you were appointed the leader. Now, think of the objective of the group. What were you expected to accomplish as a team? As the leader, how did you and the team decide to approach the task? Were the members of your team cooperative? If they were, what was that work experience like for you as a leader? If they were not cooperative, what were the obstacles that the team faced in terms of team work? As the leader, how did you analyze the situation? What action did you decide to take in order to make the group work more efficiently? Were you successful in implementing your plans? What was the end result of the activity? As the leader, what lessons did you learn with regards to effective leadership and and how to use it in order to properly influence your subordinates? These are the types of questions and information that can properly help you develop a response to that prompt.

Undergraduate / A personal and National Triumph [8]

I am not sure what prompt you are trying to answer at this point because you forgot to provide it. However, I can see that there are points where work can be done even without the prompt. So I would like to consider some comments. BTW, we still need you to provide the prompt so we can better analyze your work.

Juanita, consider reformatting your essay for content. Your beginning is not very clear. There is a lack of foundation for what you are talking about. If you reformat the essay in the following manner, I do believe that the story of what you are talking about could become clearer. Here Is what I am suggesting:

Par. 1: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country ...
Par. 2: Since June 4th I've been part of the youth branch of the political party "Centro Democrático". ...
Par. 3: While most of Colombians complain every single day of the political and economic situation of our country...
Par. 4: Why anyone would oppose to peace?
Par. 5: After we were done collecting signatures...
Par. 6: "We did it! We definitely did it! Oh my god, we are part of something! We really did it!"

The idea behind the reformat is to create a more fluid conversation and connected thought process. I believe that this format will be the best way to tell your story. I hope you consider it. Again, we will await the the prompt from you.

Undergraduate / My homosexuality - Overcoming adversity and embracing individualism - common app essay [4]

Kush, the essay in itself is enlightening. That is, if one can get over the fact that you did not really shed led upon how your parents had treated yo differently since you came out to them. Save for the silence form your mother, what other solid forms of rejection made yo strive to work harder on your individuality? How bad did your relationship get with your parents that you chose to embrace the kindness and understanding of strangers instead? Does the stand off with your family still exist? As a background identity essay, you did well in developing the social aspect of your story. However, the story of your relationship with your parents, which would clearly explain why you thrive among strangers instead, needs to be developed better. We need to see the true conflict and rejection. Mere implications will not work because you did not imply that you were accepted by strangers regardless of your sexual orientation. Therefore, the story of your relationship with your parents deserves the same attention. that will balance the point of view in the paper and offer a clearer foundation for your embracing of life and opportunities sans your parents.

Undergraduate / The motto Ut Prosim will always be in my mind... College Essay for Virginia Tech [5]

Hi Gabby. Well, this essay certainly provides the information that the prompt requires. You have managed to present an actual event that shows not only how you serve, but that you also gained something personal through your service to others. A small suggstion though, try to expand upon the idea that you enriched your life by helping others. Try to present concrete examples of how working with the student helped you to evolve as a person, making you a better version of yourself. There are also certain grammar edits that need to be done. Here are my suggested revisions:

... While IN THE PROCESS OF serving others,
... enough to feel EXPERIENCE first hand how great it feels to serve others.

In DURING my Junior year of high school,
... school once A week.
...assigned TO HELP a fourth grader who's nameD is Bethany.
... doing stuff ACTIVITIES ranging from...
... and worked with it to help her out HELPED HER OVERCOME HER SHORTCOMINGS...
... Not only did I learn how to be patient with younger kids
- Present an incident that proves this
... but I ALSO developed a ...
... I was able to take her strengths and use that to help her with her weaknesses, .
SHE HELPED which helped me to learn to use ...
... what is given to me and work my way to a solution.
- Present evidence to support this statement...

... that I can really utilize the talents ...

Please note the suggestions I made to improve certain parts of the essay. I believe that revising those parts will go far in improving your essay.

Graduate / Letter format essay for law school [2]

Hi Julia. in response to your query, it is always best to stick to the professional / academic essay app format unless otherwise specified. These common app essays normally indicate the kind of format that the essay should take. If it should be a letter to your future self, a letter to someone else, or if it is just a straightforward essay application. That said, I don't advise you to let go of this idea for a future application essay though. You may come across a university that allows for "free form" or open topic essays. If you should come across one of those, you will definitely be able to use the letter to the lawyer you interned for 6 years ago. In fact, keep all your essay ideas handy, you never know what one of your applications just might allow you to use it.

Writing Feedback / Giving additional lessons as a way to solve problems with overcrowded classes [3]

Radja, this essay will still garner a score of 4 during the actual test. The very first problem this essay has is a severely under developed introduction. It should have at least 3 complete and coherent sentences in order to be considered within the proper paragraph format. The grammar problems also prove to be a difficulty for the reader because your sentence structure does not follow a logical format and does not offer a clear idea as to how the discussion should be progressing. You offer factual information that does not really make much sense because of the way you presented your opinion. Basically, the problem that you have at the moment lies in your difficulty in developing proper sentences. I can tell that you have an acceptable opinion that you are trying to get across. In order to improve your skills in this area, I suggest that you try to read more English material so that you can get a clear idea as to how the English sentences are formed. This will also help you increase your vocabulary and understanding of the word meaning so that you can use the words in the correct manner the next time you write your essay. Don't give up. Keep trying. We are here to cheer you on.

Scholarship / "Ph.D degree in a related subdiscipline in civil engineering" - Chevening: post-study career plan. [2]

Alao, in my opinion, you should just work on further developing the last two paragraphs of your study plan essay. That is because these paragraphs clearly represent your post study plans. Much unlike your current opening paragraph that delivers a general comment about the state of Nigeria but barely relates any connection with your post study career plan. Your career plan essay doesn't have to fall within a present number of paragraphs. The more direct to the point and short your response is, the more memorable it could be for the reviewer. Keep in mind that your first paragraph was only meant as an introduction to the actual response but in its current state, all it will succeed in doing is convincing the reviewer to move on to the next applicant because the first paragraph did not provide a clear insight into the foundation of your post study career plan.

Graduate / SOP for ms in petroleum, help in improving this essay [3]

Sanjeeve, I'd like to discuss the content of your essay before anything else. I would like you to concentrate on improving the relevance of your essay before yo move on to the problem of grammar. Your opening statement was excellent. It stated the motivating factor that led you to wish to pursue a desire to become a petroleum engineer. However, your next few paragraphs lost its way and did not follow up on the strength of the opening paragraph.

As indicated by the title of the essay, this is a statement of purpose. Therefore, instead of discussing your academics in the succeeding paragraphs, you should have further discussed the purpose of your desire to study in this field. Aside from your childhood dream of wishing to own a gas station, how has your desire or plans changed at the moment? Surely you have higher ambitions and plans for yourself which have set the tone for your desire to study an MS in this field. Why don't you make those intentions clearer? Tell the reviewer what your career plan is for the short term. Talk about your professional accomplishments and how these relate to your future career path. These discussions all add up to a relevant discussion of your purpose for enrolling in an MS course in Petroleum Engineering.

Your story about what you studied in college and your personal problems do not have a direct relation to your purpose for enrolling in this MS course. So I would limit the exposure of those pieces of information to almost zero in this paper. It does not really explain why you would be so fixated on completing this MS course. Talk more about your professional life and your career opportunities that will be opened up to you once you complete this course instead.

Writing Feedback / The use of renewable energy has less risk to the environment [2]

Radja, this essay would not score more than a 4 in an actual setting due to a number of reasons. It saddens me to tell you this but you have a number of incomplete and incoherent sentences. That means that some of your sentences do not make sense to the reader because it does not have a subject or does not have any supporting evidence to complete your thought process on paper. You must concentrate on improving your analytical skills and increase your vocabulary to the point where you will be able to create understandable sentences and paragraphs. I can sense that you tried your best to complete this essay in the right manner and I congratulate you for making the effort. You have the potential to get better over the coming days. I am sure of it.

Writing Feedback / How much coffee were exported from 3 countries between 2002 and 2012 [3]

Mifta, I wish you had attached the chart that indicated the figures you presented. It is hard to judge the accuracy of your report without it. Kindly remember to include the illustration the next time you post an essay for review. Thanks. Now, on to the editing of your work:

...in which Brazil always leads led Colombia and Costa Rica.

... similar levelS of 12 and 15 consecutively RESPECTIVELY.
... 4 years with BY reaching 15 million kilograms...
... followed by a short fall to OF 17 million kilograms in DURING the ...
...Brazil hit aN EXPORT high of its exports with 25 million
...a steady increase per EVERY two years starting from 2006.

...surpassed Costa Rica with BY 12 million
... Columbia's pattern grew significantly to 15 million kilograms at BY the end of THE period.

Writing Feedback / Online PC games as a way to deliver essential information regarding educational subjects [2]

Hey Fadhil, I really like the way you delivered your opinion in the essay. It had an accurate number of references that gave the discussion a high sense of credibility. Let's forget that your grammar usage has problems and there are times when your sentences are awkwardly developed. That didn't affect the way your opinion was expressed and received by the reader though. Somehow, you still came across as understandable. So I will applaud you and tell you that you have done a pretty good job in relation to responding to the prompt. In case you want to know what kind of score you would receive for this work in an actual test, I have a feeling that it would score somewhere between a 5 or 6. Not bad all for a practice test.

Writing Feedback / Problems associated with sea levels and the possible solution [3]

Hi Russel. Well, this certainly looks like it would score another 6 in an actual exam. You have proven to have an ability to properly understand the prompt. The method by which you present your opinion and discussion has a semblance of organization and it is evident that you did your best to outline the topics for discussion prior to writing the essay. As such, your essay has a fluid flow of thought. The only clear problem with your essay is that you sometimes use the wrong word when describing something you want to share. For example, in the following sentence, " Inundation is the effect of global warming", while inundation is the aftermath of a flood, the proper term to have used would have been "Flooding". I understand that you want to impress the reviewer by using more complex vocabulary. However, you have to study or have the ability to realize when to use certain terms and if the term is applicable to a certain meaning that you want to relay. This is not a bad effort. In fact, it is an impressive effort on your part. I am looking forward to seeing your further improvement in the coming days.

Undergraduate / How the loss of my mother marked my transition from childhood to adulthood [2]

Well Joe, this story of self realization is a nice touch to your transition story. However, it lacks one solid aspect in order to become truly valid. Where is the twist in your story? What happened upon the death of your mother that pushed you into adulthood? Although you have reflected upon it in the paper, there is an assumption on your part that the reader already knows who you are and what you story is. That is not the case in this instance. In order to accurately portray the transition, the events that led up to it, and your eventual transition into adulthood, must be represented in the narrative. If you can just adjust the narrative to include those aspects of your story, the whole essay should come together in a much more effective manner for the reviewer. One point that I could refer to as something you need to revise would be the parallel universe plot. The reviewer does not need to know your 2 sides. All he wants to hear about is your transition story. While your parallel universe idea is good, it creates an actual deviation from the way you could better respond to the prompt. If you could just stick to this reality and the points that led up to your transition, then the essay should become more effective.

Undergraduate / My recommendations (ACCOUNTING AND BUSINESS) [2]

Both your letters are too long and does not present your strengths in the best possible manner. Review the format of recommendation letters here and in other websites and you will see that the letter is in the wrong format. Each letter need not be this long. The recommendation letter should only contain bullet points of your strengths as a student. The most important information you have to present in shortened form are as follows:

1. The name of the person writing the letter and his position (professor, internship leader, etc.)
2. The project you specifically worked on / internship position you had with that professor and length of time working on the project / in the position.
3. Bullet points indicating your job description and responsibilities.
4. A simple, one paragraph explanation as to why your professor believes you will make a good masters student.
5. Highlight the explanation by using bullet points for your notable skills.
6. A closing paragraph with information reiterating his belief in your skills and that you will make a good masters degree student.
7. His contact information for further explanations if needed.

By the way, please post one letter at a time. That means one letter per thread. It is highly difficult for us to review, analyze, and help you edit 2 letters of this length in one long thread.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Then you have to remove the reference to shyness in relation to your teachers. Don't overthink it. You only need one example for each trait. Talking to a person in authority regarding something you are unsure about is more impressive than being able to stand in front of an audience debating. If you feel that the debate best represents your personal triumph over shyness, then go ahead and use it. Choose which example you feel suits your intention best.

In order to have a strong response, you need to use as little examples as possible. Normally, one strong example works best. When you try to present too many examples, your paper comes across as trying had and uncertain. Whereas one strong, well developed example shows certainty and confidence in what you have written. In the end though, the essay should reflect something you are comfortable with presenting because of your certainty that this is the strongest possible support for your statement.