Scholarship / Effective role in social, political, and cultural development of Afghanistan - Chevening Scholarship [2]

Ahmad, your essay is really good but can use some revision in order to make it more impressive. I suggest that you focus the essay solely on your networking skills related to the policy making, council work, and your senior group leadership. That thread of information is more than enough to create an impressive image of yourself as a leader who knows how to effectively use a network, I don't suggest keeping the part about women's empowerment. As you can see, you wrote a very short paragraph about that experience of yours. That should be enough to tell you that it is not as important or impressive as your earlier related experience. So it is really not going to be of help to your application. Remember to always use only the impressive information in relation to the prompt. That is the best way to assure yourself of a well developed essay.

Now, I have to point out that there is a part of the prompt requirements that I feel, was not properly represented in the essay. In fact, I don't see any reference to the following prompt within the essay:

Outline how you hope to use these skills in the future.
You should be able to discuss how your previous skills will be able to help you create a new network within Chevening. What kind of network will it be? Who shall its members be? What shall the network's objective be? Finally, how can Chevening help you create this network? Those are some factors to consider when you develop that particular prompt paragraph for your essay.

You need to make sure that your essay covers all of the prompt requirements. That is a must. One missing prompt response and you will jeopardize your application. So be very careful with developing your responses. Make sure all of the prompts are represented.

Undergraduate / Extracurricular activities, work - need guidance on improvement in language and grammar! [5]

I revised it to 106 words. Here's hoping it sounds like what you want to say in your statement.

I have been working at Hoste Hainse for the past two years and a half. This was an organization that helped local communities in Nepal. I enjoy my volunteer work there because it allows me tutor orphans and abandoned children. I have formed strong bonds with my wards and have done my best to inspire them to look towards a brighter future because they have the potential to do so. I helped organize activities such as debates and story writing competitions once a week. It is a task I enjoy very much because of the emotional and social growth that working with these children offers me.

In all honesty, you have a very good background to share with the reviewer. The only problem is that you need to learn how to tighten the essays or statements so that it makes your application stronger in terms of grammar usage.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

In answer to the question above. You can certainly use that last line to open the last paragraph. In fact, it will help to further improve the sentiment that you are portraying in that paragraph. It gives a sense of sentimentality and hope for the future. That is an excellent idea on your part. By all means, go ahead and do it.

As for the merging. Here is what I have in mind in terms of blending the new paragraph with the current one:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal...

New opening:
When my mother was my age... When my mother was my age, she was already married off...

New 2nd paragraph:
During my childhood, I had to ... I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

New 3rd paragraph:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal... the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family...

I decided that the opening statement still had some use in your essay provided it was placed in a paragraph where it made the most sense to place it. I hope you see it the same way.

Undergraduate / Busy two years in Nepal - spending free time on previous vacations [3]

Here you go. Revised and edited to produce a 118 word statement:
I spent my AS Level summer continuing my work at the Hoste Hainse Project (Nepal) as a tutor. I tutored underprivileged children in Math, Computer, Science, and English. I also participated as a volunteer at the People's Climate March. The final 8 days of my summer that year were spend going on an educational tour in Pokhara. During my A2 level summer, I volunteered at the Nepal India Women Friendship Society as a volunteer at the earthquake rehabilitation program. My job included helping to distribute relief packages and equipment. When I was not working as a volunteer, I participated in the society's youth club where I helped organize an entertainment program for the benefit of the quake victims.

I hope you like it.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

If you combine the first and second paragraph into one you can shorten the length of your essay and make it easier to read. Since the first and second paragraphs are connected in terms of content, then you can join the two and create a more solid paragraph. The rest of the essay seems okay. If it were up to me, I would use this essay already. I feel that it is as ready as it can be and can't be edited any more. It delivers on all aspects. If I were to make a final change to the essay though, it would be to remove the last line that ends in ellipses. It doesn't really read like a strong closing to the essay. It is just hanging there, waiting for more information to be provided. While without it, the essay closes on a hopeful and strong note. Again, that is just my opinion. If you want to keep that line in then do so.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Let me get something straight. Were you or were you not attending college at that point in time? What exactly were you doing at the college if you were not enrolled there? Clarify that point for me so that I can make the proper decision as to how to formulate the sentence. Why do you want to use the term "first attended" How many times have you attended college as a freshman. Basically, I changed the term because one does not "join" a college like a club. One "attends" college because you are there for a purpose, which is to study. Which was the reason for you?

...I feared asking questions OF my teachers??Can you check this sentence?
- Believe me, that sentence structure is correct. You chat with your teachers, you speak with your teachers, but you ask questions OF your teachers. When you "ask of" it means that you are requesting something from your teacher. In this case you feared "asking of information" from your teachers. You are asking your teacher to actively participate in providing or meeting your requirements which in this case, would be the response to your question. So the term being used is correct. It is an Old English English phrase that indicates that a person is well read and intellectual.

No. Don't add anything about what you can contribute to Princeton. That is not required at this point and will only change the slant of your essay. You will deviate from the prompt provided and it will make the reviewer think that you either did not understand the requirements of the prompt or you are the kind of student who does not follow instructions. You don't need a lengthy essay, you only need an essay that delivers on the requirements you were provided for the development of your essay.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Let's play the editing game this time. I see some points for correction. Please note them and apply it to the next version of the paper.

.... At the mid of my tenth grade, I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TENTH GRADE WHEN my father (the single earner in my family) ... Thus, we were forced to make our living possible with OUR FAMILY SURVIVED ON less than $1.5 per day...of such A financial crisis... depression from OVER the last eighteen years...

The little bank savingA that my father had done was mostly spent in ON the medical expenses of my mother...

I am rewording the next paragraph to make it read more fluidly.
Entering the 11th grade, I knew that my father would not be able to pay for my tuition fees and other expenses. Yet, I refused to stop going to school. I took it upon myself to seek our scholarships to high school across Kathmandu. I heard of a scholarship that would allow me to study A Levels at Trinity International College. I applied for and won a full scholarship. thus easing my academic financial woes somewhat.

I had to gain admission into the 11th grade ... examination and fortunately getting the highest marks, I received a full scholarship.

...scholarship reduced THE major financial burden of ON my family members,... off my daily expenditure EXPENSES. In order to save 10 cents, I would walk 6 miles to the college than take a public vehicle. The pressure of maintaining scholarship itself acted as a catalyst for me to give my best to academics. In trying to accomplish the scholarship criteria, I found myself refining my abilities. Scoring the highest marks and securing top positions in my college became important to me because on one hand, I had to retain my scholarship and on the other, I wanted to contribute something to the society in future.

When I joined my ATTENDED college, ... questions with OF my teachers then... subject teachers...imagined to be IN ... I could enhanceD my communication skills and grow GREW my self-confidence.

...feared that I won't[/S[ WOULD NOT be able to achieve the A high school (...) taught me to tackle DEAL with them effectively, ...

This is all the editing we need to do for now.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

More editing work. I hope you won't mind :-)

...to frequently see visit my mother... One day, upon asking I REQUESTED the psychiatrist who treated my mother TO EXPLAIN TO ME ABOUT WHAT WAS AILING HER, . I ... the cause of her illness cause was the shock caused by getting married at ANthe early age.... got slightLY better, my father decided ...

My father was the first IN HIS generation to discontinue...
. He has always tended to help the family regardless of where he was in his work. He has always been supportive of my ambitions ...
... , I would bring the girls of my village in the new light of OPEN THE MINDS OF THE GIRLS IN MY VILLAGE TO THE IDEA THAT THEY CAN ALSO HAVE educational and economic prosperity. I WOULD SAVE THEM FROM THE FATE OF MY MOTHER. so that they would not undergo psychological disorders as my mom ... I have an ambition t...

... With the education and experiences I wish to receive WILL BE RECEIVING, I want to someday work for THE BENEFIT societies such as mine THE ONE I LEFT IN KAUDENA.

My edits are meant to give your essay a deeper meaning. I hope it works for you.

Writing Feedback / Climate change: human's role and effects - exploratory essay [4]

Your thesis is too broad in the sense that you are talking about human activities in general. That makes it difficult to discuss your statement of the activity being unimaginable in terms of its effect on climate change. What you have to do is narrow down the human activity in order to zero in one a particular climate change result. An example of a narrowed down thesis for this would be:

Man produces over a million tons of unsegregated garbage per day. This unsegregated garbage fills up landfills with non-biodegradable materials. These materials have been known to have a direct effect on our climate change. One of its major effects being greenhouse gases. Over the course of the next 10 years, the human act of non-segregation of trash will result in a faster erosion of our ozone layer.

The next paragraph can cover this sample discussion:
Non- segregation of trash causes the permeation of hazardous gases in our atmosphere which adds to the toxins that are destroying our ozone layer. At a rate of...

The third paragraph covers:
Basing the erosion of the ozone layer at a rate of 10 percent every year, the mere act of trash non-segregation will result in the following dire effects for our planet...

Then you can conclude your statement in the manner you were taught by your instructor. At this point, it is the narrowing down of the discussion that is important. I have tried to provide you with examples that can guide you in doing that.

Undergraduate / Free for all isn't too free... [3]

Caroline, you can actually reduce the character count If you do the following changes:

... Shaya, for instance, had a speech ... video chatted one another , she would confide...
In doing so, I would talk to her about it ... all while learning how to ... understanding, and ...
Moreover, around AROUND that same time, my parents were going through a difficult divorce in which I was very much involved in.Due to it, I started drowning in discouragement, ... I'veformed DEVELOPED resiliency and persistence.

One occasion, for instance, is when I was struggling in some of my school courses ...
Instead of letting me give up ON my schoolwork ...
As this THIS went on for a couple of weeks AND , I soon found myself adapting and forming this DEVELOPING determination and drive... indisposition I've once had...

Now, I'm happy to say ... one hundred hours.
All in all, in this day and age, technology is used to connect people and form relationships, like in my case. However, Shaya and I's MY friendship goes a bit beyond...

These changes should bring you well below the character limitation of the essay with room to spare.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Ali, the editing part of the essay is always the hardest. It is difficult for you as the writer to separate yourself from the content that you wrote. As far as you are concerned, everything that you wrote is important. Every sentence needs to be there, every little fact included. You are too close to your work. So I suggest that you read the essay from the point of view of an editor. If you were editing someone else's work, what would you cut out and why? What would you compress? Do you think doing those things will make the essay better? These are the questions that you should ask yourself as you try to shorten your essay. It will help you decide which parts to remove, edit, or compress.

If you feel that you cannot do that accurately for some reason, then don't hesitate to ask for help. Post your revised essay within this thread and we will all work together to help you edit it for length and content. Don't be scared. Don't feel hopeless. We are here to help you. All you have to do is ask. Relax and take a deep breath. We will perfect your essay soon enough :-)

Scholarship / To eradicate the wrong thinking that all Muslims are terrorists. LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE essay [7]

Faisel, please don't be offended but you should not allow a false impression of Muslims to take over the way you write this paper. It does not offer the information that is normally found in such an essay because it delves on topics of racial discrimination, a sense of self-importance, and a general discussion of what you perceive to be the leadership roles you have had over a course of time. If you want to really present your leadership and influencing skills to the reviewer, then present a solid event that you participated in that will do exactly that. What you need is factual evidence of your leadership and influencing skills. The information you have provided cannot be fact checked by the reviewer because it doesn't mention anything specific about your leadership role.

I believe that you can do this more effectively by discussing the leadership role that you had during your final year project. Start by explaining what the project was about and how you found yourself becoming the leader of the group. Tell the reviewer about the difficulties you faced, in an expanded form. At the end, display specific moments during the project development that highlights you leadership and influencing skills. Right now, the only part of the essay that best responds to the prompt sits in this version as a mere overview when it has the potential to exponentially help your essay.

Remember, generalized discussions work for summary essays. It does not do much for you when you have a very fact based essay to write about. Pick one topic and develop it along the vein of the prompt expectations instead.

Scholarship / I selected the three university courses; Chevening - "Studying in the UK" Question [6]

Eng, don't present a generalized discussion of your plan for studies in the UK. You need to be university and course specific if you want the reviewer to believe that you have given a great deal of thought to the reasons as to why you wish to study in the UK. I can see that you have an impressive resume in terms of career experience. So it should not be hard for you to develop a longer discussion of your career plan. Some of the required elements of the essay are as follows:

1. The universities you wish to attend and the course you plan to enroll in.
2. A discussion of the relation of your chosen master program with your career experience and future career plan. Keep in mind that you should also have 3 career avenues to discuss. That is one for each university because you never know which university will grant you admission.

3. A summary of how you see the completion of either of the 3 masters degree affecting your future plans for your career. In the overall scheme of things, how will the masters degree help you in general?

Once you cover these 3 required points, you should have developed an accurate study plan for submission with the rest of your application.

Writing Feedback / IELTS. 'the money should be better spent' - Wasteful Space Program - Agree or disagree [4]

Naoki, the essay asked you to agree or disagree with the statement. While you did discuss both sides of the issue in an informed manner, you did not accurately represent your agreement with side that you chose to support. Since an essay normally has 5 paragraphs, the 4th paragraph should have been a defense of the side that you support based upon your personal reasons for choosing this side. That creates a well developed discussion for the essay since all sides are represented in the discussion. Merely saying that you agree with a particular side in the opening statement does not qualify as a complete and valid argument in support of your chosen position.

When you revise this essay, and as you write your future essays, keep in mind that you must properly discuss your personal opinion when it is asked for in the prompt. Don't just say "I agree" and leave it at that. A complete essay provides an informed discussion. This essay, only presents a partial discussion. So there is room for improvement if you decide to revise the essay.

Scholarship / I'm applying to a Chevening scholarship but I need some help with this four questions. [4]

Each of these statements need to be expanded into essay length responses. I believe that the maximum word count is provided along with the prompt. Take into consideration that your responses to each prompt is so brief that it doesn't really offer a comprehensive insight into what you are trying to tell the reviewer. You need to be thorough in your response because this is part of your preliminary interview. If you do not present an effective series of essays, you might not be able to get a final interview date. Let's get started.

1. When you talk of your leadership and influencing skills. Discuss a real activity or organization wherein you exercised a role as the leader. As the leader, you were expected to lead the team using the skills of motivation and influence. Discuss a part of the activity that the organization was involved in where you had to exert your leadership role. If the team was uncooperative, explain how you motivated / influenced them to work together in order to have a successful activity.

2. For your academic / study plan, I believe that you need to present your choice of 3 universities, with varying masters degree options, which you need to discuss. That means that you have to expand upon each university within one essay. So if you say you want to attend University A, mention the course you want to enroll in, then the reasons why you believe that this works well within your chosen career path. Then discuss the last two universities in the same manner.

3. Your career plan should cover at least the first 3 years of your career after graduation. Develop a career development plan that indicates the progression of your career in terms of work hierarchy and how you plan to achieve it. Then indicate how these masters degree studies will help you achieve those plans. Don't forget to include information about how your career might be able to help promote the scholarship as well.

Writing Feedback / Nursing is the one of the most rewarding profession in the world. Nursing school personal statement. [2]

Allona, your essay is not responding to the prompt requirements at all. What you wrote is a justification essay and not a personal statement that is aligned with the prompt requirements. Information such as your grandmother becoming ill, your failing nursing school, taking the NCLEX are all unrelated information. None of these are required by the prompt. Let me try to give you some hints as to how to better respond to the prompts.

Prompt 1: Describe what high school or undergraduate experiences sparked your interest...
The response to this prompt would be any sort of volunteer activity related to nursing such as your volunteering your free time to help out at a nursing home, or working part time in a clinical facility as an assistant of sorts. The exposure you had on the job as you watched your grandmother will also qualify, provided you can justify that this happened while you were in high school and indicate some sort of help that you gave her while you were observing her.

Prompt 2: Describe a unique event in your life that has left a lasting impression and why ...
You should develop the following paragraph because it can help you respond to the prompt:
In the middle of second semester my grandmother got sick. I was very nervous about it. We were very close. I did not see her in many years because I was attending school full time and working part time. My grandmother and I kept in touch, I was telling her about my clinical experience and my grandmother explained some things to me. She always supported me and I wanted to help her.

The rest of the information about your failure in nursing school, being unable to graduate, etc. are not required information and should not be read in the essay. Just respond as best as you can to the provided prompt. That tells you what the reviewer wants to read about and should see in the essay. Don't add unnecessary information.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

I would open your statement with a pop culture reference that can possibly break the ice and set the tone for your response. By referencing pop culture or some topics that are identifiable, the reader's interest in what you have to say reaches a peak. My introduction would go something like:

Pearl Harbor, Band of Brothers, Saving Private Ryan, and The Philadelphia Experiment. What do these movies all have in common? They all deal with important events related to the development of mankind. These movies document the history of our world for future generations to learn from. History... Now, that is a topic I believe is worth studying because, just like the historical events depicted in these movies, I believe that in order to understand our present and know where we are headed in the future, we must first understand the past and the only way to learn about the past, is by learning about our collective history.

From that point on, you can continue to use the part of your essay that starts with:
Whether it be European History or U.S. History, every little detail is action-packed. JUST LIKE A MOVIE. The best part of it all is finding that one historical time period you imagine yourself living in...

Note the part that I inserted in order to create a connection between the first paragraph and the current one.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

This is still a work in progress. It is getting better but still needs to be edited at certain points. Please apply the following changes:

..., I participated in On the Engineering week of University ...
On While on my second year at university...
effective networking has arguably played an integral role ...
and a micro-grant fundraiser in during the ...
Aside from the aforementioned, on By my fifth year at university...
Directly after my graduation I was working worked as both...
... efficiently in running association with the industry; some of my students had the ...

After you apply the changes, I'll help you review the essay again to try and make it shorter yet still informative. It's running a bit long at the moment. If you'd like, try to summarize or combine some paragraphs, or choose which of these networking experiences are the real notable ones that should stay in the essay. That way the essay tightens and allows the reviewer to read only the information that offers the best information about your networking skills.

Undergraduate / Why History is Worth Studying [8]

Guess what Jung, the later part of your essay, the portion where you start talking about your wish list of historical adventures, is more in line with the fear and expectations of the prompt you were provided. The first part is a bit boring and does not really interest the reader into getting to know the rest of what you have to say. Maybe you can revise the first part to make it sound as exciting as the second part? If you can do that then you can retain the first part of the essay. If not, then I suggest that you use the second part instead. You can start the essay with:

Whether it be European History or U.S. History, every little detail is action-packed.

That immediately tells the reviewer that the topic of interest to you is History and prepares him for an interesting narrative to come. The succeeding portion of your essay from that point is interesting and imaginative. I can't imagine anyone not being drawn in by the imagined scenarios you shared. It is a perfect response to the prompt.

Graduate / Filmmaking passion. My Personal Statement for Goldsmiths Master Program [3]

Karim, your responses are not as in-depth as it can be at this point. The information you have presented sound more like place holders than anything else. You need to develop the thoughts more behind each topic presented. For example, in the first paragraph, there is no real rationale for your desire to pursue a career in film making. Why did you feel that you had a responsibility to tell stories? It is this sense of responsibility that represents your rationale and should be well represented in the paragraph.

In the second paragraph, you need to mention if you have formal academic training in film making and where, if you attended seminars and the names and dates of these seminars, and, if you say you have worked 8 years as a professional, name some films you have worked on and in what capacity.

Don't tell the reviewer you just bought your first handy camera. You can't claim to have 8 years experience and then just recently have purchased the most important film making device. If you have not taken and formal courses or joined any seminars, justify why you believe that your actual experience in film making makes you a better masters candidate. Remember, the others applying have formal training so unless you can come off sounding like the Steve Jobs of film making, not having any formal training may work against your application.

When you mention your work experience and awards, be specific. Mention the films, advertisements and anything else that they can fact check against your application. Being able to examine your work personally may just work in your favor in this case. Your reason for wishing to attend the program is very weak. You need to better analyze the reasons behind your desire to attend this program and come up with a stronger, more competitive reason for them to consider you as an applicant.

When you mention you have developed a script, try to discuss the motivation behind the script, the story line, and what you hope to achieve by bringing this script to film. Why should they consider this information to be an important part of your application?

Scholarship / Challenges from letter of intent and Personal statement [3]

Mohammed, a letter of intent is similar to that of a motivation letter. It is better known in the academic circles as a statement of purpose. So the letter should contain the reasons why you chose your course and what you hope to achieve once you have completed it. If you have already chosen your major, then you should be able to write this letter already. What was the reason that you chose this major? That reason is what should be contained in the letter of intent.

As for the personal statement, you can write it in one of two essay forms, depending upon the university you are applying to. Either write it as an open topic essay ( for universities that do not have specific instructions for writing it) or, refer to the personal statement prompt provided by the university. When a prompt is provided, you are given instructions as to what information it should contain and word count maximum (if applicable).

I suggest that you wait for either the application packet hard copy from the university you are applying to, or refer to their online application forms for references as to how to proceed with writing these two essays. The university you are applying to can best instruct you as to the content of the essays.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

Ali, I think you should put the quote about Chevening at the start of the essay. Making it an opening statement that directly connects with the rest of the essay. An example of how you can do this would be as follows:

"Being a scholar for a year and a Chevener for life ... the learning never stops." That is a direct quote from a previous Chevening scholar and it is a belief that I unwittingly have embodied throughout my time in college. From my first year in college, I unconsciously began building my network of contacts that to this very day, have proven quite helpful to me and my colleagues.

Then the next paragraph, which should be using past tense because these are events that already happened, can go something like this:
During my first year at the University of Kartoum as an Engineering student, I worked as one of the main organizers...I was also elected ( note the tense usage)...

My second year at the university introduced me to...

You need to do extra work on the following part:
I contacted the organization asking them to present themselves at the university during the week to get renowned through a fair.
- The networking that you did in order to get the organization become part of the fair should be made clear. The overview is so brief that it does not seem like you had to do any networking at all.

There is A CERTAIN ambiguity to REGARDING findING any information...

In all honesty, if you can just clean up these parts of the essay, the next step will be to clean up the grammar problems. Your concluding paragraph should just be about how you plan to represent the scholarship in the future. From what I can read, that is exactly how this essay will end.

Undergraduate / "What does not destroy me makes me stronger" - Princeton Supplement prompt 5 [13]

Shivani, I like the quote that you chose. The overall narrative of the essay directly relates to the quote. However, the story runs a bit too long because you tried to deliver too much information in the narrative. You need to learn to choose which information is necessary to present and which is not necessary to present. Take for example the paragraph where you discuss your father's financial problem. This runs too long because you felt it necessary to mention where he worked and how much he earned. When you simply could have just said that he had a salary cut, without ever mentioning where he worked since that is irrelevant to the main point of the essay.

You can also edit the content of the second and third paragraphs in order to create a more relevant and easier to read new paragraph. I would combine it this way:

Getting scholarship though reduced major financial burden of my family members, it was still difficult to pay off my daily expenditure. In order to save 10 cents,... vehicle that cost 10 cents. The pressure of maintaining scholarship itself ...I had to retain my scholarship and on the other, I wanted to contribute something to the society in future.

I removed the middle part about your classmates because the fact that you could not do what they were doing is a redundancy. It is already a given because you are a scholar. So focus instead on the sacrifices that directly affected you due to lack of finances. The things you could not do with your classmates are whims, not needs. So it has no place in the essay.

The rest of the essay is fine though. It works well to deliver your message. The language just needs to be cleaned up because the grammar is quite bad in some places. You can worry about the grammar correction after you have completed the necessary changes to the essay first.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Okay. Let's pick up the paragraph from the following:
...getting married at the early age. When she got better, my father decided that it was time to move our family to Kathmandu. From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

You can follow it up with a new paragraph that can starts this way:
When I was 13, I visited Kaudena with my family. Little did I know that this visit would be the most life altering period of my life. This was the time when I almost suffered the same fate as my mother. I almost became a child bride myself because my grandfather insisted that I must be married off before my dowry became too expensive. Lucky for me, my father had a different mindset and disagreed with my grandfather...

I think that you can use the Madhesi community paragraph as your 5th paragraph. You need to make a few changes to it in order to make it better though. I suggest the following:

... is my Madhesi community IN KAUDENA and BECAUSE OF its unexpected SOCIAL challenges that always acts SERVES as a catalyst ...In my community, the mind never impede the girls from getting what they want but the mindset IS WHAT IMPEDES A WOMAN'S IMPROVEMENT IN LIFE. does,thus, THUS my ambition is to make INFLUENCE a change in their mindset.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

Here is how I think you can transition the sentence. You can start with:
... discovered that the cause of her illness cause was the shock she received on getting married at the early age. When she got better, my father decided that it was time to move our family to Kathmandu. From time to time, I would go back to Kaudena for a visit.

One of my visits to Kaudena...

As I recall, your family moved when you were 8 right? So you have to reference that in your essay so that the reviewer will know that there is a transition coming up. What you wrote was the actual information in a new paragraph. When you are writing a narrative essay such as this, you always need to prepare a transition sentence or sentences because without it, the reader tends to get confused and lose his place while reading. In this case, a simple, yet informative transition is required just to make the change of topic seamless.

Scholarship / "Happiness is only true when shared with others" Chevening Networking Question [19]

I don't think that the quote and the story that you are using as the introduction of the essay is relevant. There is no information about your friend's leukemia that relates to your networking abilities. Even the quote that you chose to use doesn't really seem related to the prompt. So I believe that you should omit those parts and just opt to begin your essay with what is now the second paragraph. In order to make your essay seem shorter, combine your first to fifth networking experience into one paragraph. That is allowable since they are related, numerical discussions. It makes it easier to read the information and also allows for a smoother flow in terms of relating information. Aside from the aforementioned adjustments that I suggest you make to the essay, the only thing left to do with it is clean up the grammar mistakes. Something that is better done when the final order of the essay is completed.

Scholarship / I wasn't born with the leadership qualities, nor could I influence others... Chevening Scholarship [3]

Altan, I like the way that you developed the vision of your leadership skills at the start. Opening with that negative statement and then closing it on such a positive note is exactly the kind of hook that benefits your essay. I would advise you though, to present your leadership skills in chronological order. Meaning you talk about college before you talk about your leadership skills as a teacher. Try to expound more on the medal that you received. Provide a background as to the leadership skills that were involved which led to the award. This is the most important award that you can discuss in this essay because it deals with your present leadership role. So shed more light on it. Make it a true highlight.

I don't believe that mentioning pop culture, even if it relates to your leadership skills is something that you should present in the essay. That is too trivial and doesn't really have any cultural relevance to the topic. Now, your leadership of the Chelsea club, the minute you mentioned that it was involved in charity activities, became the more important organization to discuss. Mention the charity activities you led and how you led it in order to show that you are also a socio-civic leader and not just an academic one.

Your last paragraph is not as important as the ones I have previously mentioned so you can skip that part if you are comfortable with it. Make a more impressive conclusion based upon the more important leadership activities that you have participated in.

Writing Feedback / Smokers should find other places to smoke, thus have respect to non-smokers [3]

Russel, I am not sure what you mean by the constant use of the word "respective". It does not fit in the overall context of the sentence / paragraph. What exactly are you trying to say? Do you mean that smokers should "respect" non-smokers? If you mean that, then change the word to "respectful" or "respect" depending how you need to use it in the sentence. Those sentences need to be improved in order to clarify your meaning or reasoning. Your conclusion needs to be better developed. It cannot be just a single, long closing sentence. You will lose points for that. Look at the samples here in order for you to get an idea as to how to better conclude your essay.

Overall though, you have shown that you understand the prompt and are capable of offering an insightful discussion, based on facts, regarding the topic presented. The proof of your comprehension skills, regardless of the problem with the grammar is sure to earn you some consideration on the part of the examiner when it comes to your final score.

Writing Feedback / 'They are not ready psychologically'. Writing Task II; Children are Encouraged to Have Paid Work [4]

Husnul, your discussion is not very well developed. Your first paragraph takes on the form of a defense in support of having children work. However, your line of reasoning doesn't really offer the correct data in terms of the benefits that children may get from the activity. You say that the more work the children do, the better kind of person they will be. You should only choose one evidence to support this claim and properly discuss it. You have presented a number of claims in the paragraph that doesn't really offer a clear discussion and valid reasoning. For example, when you say:

... children who help their neighbor selling goods in a market and earning money definitely have many conversations with new people more than ordinary children have.

What is the point of this sentence? How does this prove that children who work have better skills than those who don't work? Doesn't working make the children more psychologically responsible given the fact that they interact with people older than themselves? This paragraph needs further development.

Your second paragraph dictates that children should go to school at an early age. That is not exactly the kind of discussion that you should be presenting. If you feel that children should be going to school instead of going to work then you should indicate that line of reasoning within the opening sentence of the next paragraph. This paragraph has deviated from the given prompt as of the moment.

The final two paragraphs of the essay work well though and deliver a clear train of thought. It is the only part of the essay that is properly developed and presented somewhat properly.

Writing Feedback / Children development and Tv - essay for ielts task 2 [4]

Abdullah, your thought process is very good. You show a clear understanding of the prompt and you are able to defend your stand on the issue even though you are using broken English to do so. That sort of clarity of thought can help you gain an improved IELTS task 2 score. You need to concentrate on developing your written English skills though. Think carefully about the words you want to use and make sure to proof read your work before submission.

Don't forget that you are also scored on punctuation and knowledge of English grammar rules. For example, in the middle of one of your sentences, you wrote the word Children with the first word capitalized. Since this word was located within a given sentence, the word should not be capitalized. Only the first word of the start of every sentence, as well as proper nouns are capitalized within a sentence. You also need to lengthen your concluding sentences in order to gain a proper score for that part of the essay. It is too short. Always aim for at least 3 sentences minimum.

Undergraduate / My village and its customs that changed my life! [25]

One day, on UPON asking the psychiatrist who treated my mother...
- You need to prepare a transition sentence or two here that will prepare the reader for the fact that you will refer to a previous visit. Mention that you moved away after your mother got well as part of the transition sentence.

... insisted I must be married offer but my ...
... of her illness cause was the shock shereceived on CAUSE BY getting married ...
of an advanced ARRANGED marriage themselves.
I remember thinking to myself [...] proud on me in the near future.
- The only thing the reviewer needs to know is that your father saved you from an early marriage. You don't need to discuss his character in detail as that does not relate to the prompt anymore.

about their marriage at AS their teenage as I did.
awareness among THE local community about...
I want to someday work for societies such as mine.
- I'm not sure what you mean by this. Do you mean to want to work to change the societies such as the one you came from? I think you need to revise the sentence to give it a clearer meaning.

Undergraduate / Say Yes to Saying No by Melody Jung [6]

Jung, here is my version of your essay for your consideration. I hope it helps.

Most people view the word "No" on the negative side. For others though, the same word signifies a sense of liberation and strength. I was a people pleaser when I was growing up. So my most used word at the time was "Yes". Mostly because I did not want to say no and earn the ire of the person I was speaking to. It was because I often said "Yes" that I ended up in tight situations, oftentimes finding myself in situations I could barely handle. That was when I came to realize that I did not have to keep saying "Yes."

So I began to say "No" to certain things in my life. From bad friendships to classroom assignments, the word "No" offered me the guidance that I needed to succeed in life. I learned how to express my opinion even if it is contradictory to others. It is the word that liberated me from a life of fear and weakness. Saying "Yes" is the default response to most questions. It shows a fear of disappointing people and a weakness of character. In the end, I realized that saying "No" is what really shows individuality and courage in a person.

Undergraduate / 'Growing up I had separated parents' - What was the environment you were raised? [2]

Anthony, the essay is good and almost on the mark in terms of discussing the kind of environment and how it shaped who you are today. I particularly like your comment about how living in two different households and how you are a product of the best that your parents are. When it came to discussing the environment, in terms of where you were raised, your description was not as effective.

You successfully described the environment you were raised in from California to Texas. You were able to describe the kind of places these were and the attitude of the people. So I was expecting to read more about how these two environments influenced your development as a person. Aside from your parents, the cities were you were raised and the people you mingled with also influenced your development as a person. There is very little description as to the kind of person you have become based upon the best influence that you have had from the cities.

Exposure to two different environments and lifestyles was a huge opportunity for me because I experienced what it's like to transition from a contrasting environment and I saw that people living entirely different lifestyles can still fill their hearts with joy doing different things.

That is the paragraph that is the most important when it comes to describing the influence the cities had on you. You witnessed how different the lives of the people living in each city was. How did you adapt to it? Weren't you affected by culture shock? How would you describe yourself in relation to the varying influences you were exposed to in terms of social development due to the influence of the cities and its residents? As far as I can tell, that is the only part of the essay that you should pay attention to in terms of using it to better deliver the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Occidental College; a vital stepping-stone in focusing my interests and shaping my view of the world [4]

Camille, I am a bit confused here. Are you trying to transfer schools or change majors ? The majority of the essay seems to be about changing majors but then later on, you mention something about building upon a semester gained at a different school. Which is which? Please clarify so that we will know from what point of view to consider your writing.

Generally, you build strongly upon the reasons for your transfer and how you hope to achieve your objectives. As a reviewer, I would want to learn how you plan to use the university to achieve those objectives. The discussion is too common place and does not really shed light on how Occidental can help you achieve those goals. Perhaps mentioning specific classes, in relation to your goals can help to better support your reasons for transferring to Occidental?

Now, as I am not sure if you are shifting majors or actually changing universities at this point, I will leave my comments at this point. Once I am sure of what it is you are really doing, I can better assess and comment on what you have written.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task II, Contributing factors of working in the same company [2]

Russel, you really are good at developing your reasons in support of a discussion. However, this strength of yours is held back by your improper grammar. Let me help you correct some of those below:

It is often accepted that being convenient AT EASE
- CONVENIENT MEANS SOMETHING IS EASY. YOUR SENTENCE WANTED TO SAY AT EASE WHICH MEANS RELAXED

... co-workers and the boos BOSS
- BOOS MEANS TO CREATE A SOUND THAT MEANS DISLIKE. A BOSS IS SOMEONE YOU WORK FOR OR HEADS YOUR DEPARTMENT.

... are loyal to work in the same place FOR more than a decade.
their partners helps them to reach their job prospectwell FULL POTENTIAL.

... their workplace encourage them to reduce the great pressure on FEEL LESS PRESSURE TO their work ...
... face the A huge problem. The present PRESENCE of loyal friends and AN understanding ...
... is the virtual factor to THAT createS loyalty of the employees.

... that helps the jobholders WORKERS find their soul DESIRE to work in the same company.
... flexible lawS make theM interested ... as retirement funds and the free time or holidayS.
...organisation who gives their workers the constant holidayS can be the way for ALLOW the employees to ...
The given clear regulations by the companies are the ...
- THIS IS AN UNCLEAR SENTENCE THAT DOES NOT REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE IN THE DISCUSSION.

... not the only part to THAT motivateS the employee ..., and the unburden RELAXED EMPLOYMENT laws are possible to be the other aspect THAT encourages the people TO keep working ...

enterprise FOR more ...

Undergraduate / Syracuse University never interested me. My passion for social work and helping others changed it. [4]

Kara, there does not really seem to be a strong influence regarding your desire to enroll at Syracuse. There is a lack of personal connection between your plans and the decision to choose the university. That doesn't mean that the essay is useless to you though. You just have to adjust the content in order to create a deeper and more impressive connection within it. My idea for revising your essay has a pattern that looks like this:

1. my mom would come home telling me stories about students she had, stories which I thought only happened in movies.... My mom constantly fought to get him out...

2. I decided to pursue a degree in social work... what he did.
3. While deep...across Syracuse University.

At this point you mention that your cousin also attends the school and that you had a talk with your cousin regarding the university and what struck you the most was the compassion and desire to learn that your cousin had (or something to that effect). Mention that you were introduced by your cousin to other students of the university (Don't say internet research. That doesn't really impress the reviewer) and it was this interaction that inspired you to attend Syracuse.

If you decide to consider my suggestions, you just might end up better developing your response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Not Just a Job" Transition to adulthood. Entrance essay for Ohio State. [4]

Since you are supposed to talk about your transition to adulthood, why not concentrate on the job aspect from the very start? You could start with a discussion of you either being bored because you had nothing to do after class or having something that you wanted to buy that your parents refused to purchase for you. Or even your father sitting you down for a discussion about maturity and the need for you to get a job if you want to have more spending money. Show the reader who you were before you got the job. That way the lessons that you learned once you got the job, from learning how to manage your money all the way to developing compassion for others, makes sense in the overall context.

The best premise for the start of your essay in my opinion would be the following statement from your current work:
Prior to starting working, I focused on my social life and let my grades fall below where they should have been. After over a year and a half of this irresponsible lifestyle, I began to realize I was not going to be successful if I continued on this path. I made the decision to get a job.

If you expand upon the social life and sliding grades by explaining why it happened, your realization will show that you had a true epiphany in terms of how successful you want to be in the future. This is the transition point for you within the essay.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task II , Relocating giant industries to regional area [2]

Russel, you actually crafted your essay in a manner that shows an understanding of the prompt. You were able to discuss, in your own way, the advantages and disadvantages of relocating giant industries. Your reasons are logical and commonly known. However, the paragraphs would have created a better discussion if you had managed to offer more than just an overview of the advantages and disadvantages through a more thorough discussion of the topics you presented. Maybe offering at least 3 discussion sentences as part of each reason. Like i said though, the essay is good enough as it stands, but it could have been better.

Also, when you present the essay content, remember to follow the format that the prompt provides it in. Therefore, the advantages should have been presented before the disadvantages. That is because the disadvantage discussion is the main focus of the essay. Being the actual topic means that the disadvantage discussion should have been presented as the stronger discussion towards the middle of the essay. That way your concluding paragraph is better helped by the previous statement.

Your conclusion is also too short. Try to make it longer next time by doing an actual summary of the prompt before restating your facts and closing sentence. That is the normal format for a conclusion that should always be followed.

Scholarship / Leadership is my passion. Chevening Application [4]

Ahmadu, have you given any consideration to presenting a more solid idea of your leadership skills so that your abilities and character would be better portrayed in the essay and to the reader? I can see that you have a true potential to read based upon the overview of this essay. However, the scholarship reviewer does not need an overview of your skills. He needs to realize that you have at least one leadership skill, trait, or character that would set you apart from the rest of the applicants. I believe that it would be in the best interest of your essay if you could choose what you believe to be your most important leadership trait, skill, or character based upon the event of most importance that happened to you in the academic setting upon your assumption to office. If you concentrate on presenting your strongest skill and developing that image, you stand a better chance of creating a memorable paper for your application. You don't need to discuss so many events in the shortest manner possible. What you need to do, is discuss your best asset in the best way possible. Your paper will definitely be better for it.

Scholarship / Motivation for Thesis Abroad Scholarship [2]

Luca, I don't really see any motivation in your essay at this point. You are right about it being too long and sadly, it is too long without accomplishing its purpose. The motivation for your desire to go abroad for this scholarship thesis should be represented early on in the essay. The first paragraph needs to immediately infer the topic for your thesis. The second paragraph, should discuss why you feel that this thesis is important and in the third, explain how going to Barcelona will accomplish this for you.

You have too much information in your essay that makes me think that you are still undecided about what your thesis should be. That is why your essay lacks focus and direction. You need to decide on a single thesis topic, develop the statement, then present it in the essay. If you try to present 2 thesis statements, your motivation will never become clear nor solid to the reader. Basically, you need to pick one thesis and stick to it. I do believe that it would be best if you just write a totally new motivation essay at this point because this version will be hard to fix in order to make it follow the proper format.