Scholarship / My last - the reintroduced leadership answer essay. I always strive to improve more. [8]

Phoowadon, my opinion is that the reference to the work on the farm is cute. It shows your early inclinations towards leadership. However, it doesn't portray the leadership and influencing skills that are necessary for this paper. You actually managed to deliver that important image though. Towards the end of the paper when you discussed your 10 year work as an agricultural officer, you delivered a clear example of your leadership ability with a significant touch of influencing skills included. That is a well rounded depiction of the required skills working in combination to create the kind of leader that you are today.

My belief is that you will do well to just concentrate on that aspect of your presentation. The essay need not be very long or overly informative in order to deliver the requirements you know. That is clearly seen in this piece of writing that you are considering using. I suggest one more revision based on my suggestions and then using this paper over the others that you developed in the past.

Scholarship / Review my answer to Leadership question in Chevening application and comment if necessary! [4]

Abdhul, I am not sure about what I am reading here. Is it a personal statement? A statement of purpose? A letter of intent? A background story? What is the direction this essay is supposed to head into? Most certainly, it is not a leadership and influencing essay for an important scholarship grant. These types of information can only be useful in college common app essays. Not topic centered, character intensive essay narrations for higher study. Therefore, this essay should be considered a failure in terms of delivering the necessary requirements for consideration with the rest of your application.

When you speak of leadership, you need to concentrate on one story alone. A story that will help convince the reader that you are a person with a keen interest in leading your people towards something definite. Of all the parts of this essay, the one that may come close to the leadership and influencing essay would be the development and subsequent actions that you took under the umbrella of the Mubariza organization that you helped create. You were the leader of this group right? So revise the story in your essay to focus on that.

Discuss the situation that led you to decide to create the group. How did you convince people that this was the best way to handle the problem? How did you inspire them to join you for the good of the nation? How did your leadership result in the lowering of corruption in your country? These questions will help you define who you are as a leader and an influential figure in your community.

Scholarship / 'the best part of leadership is seen through legacy' - Chevening - Health Policy development [6]

Mar, what I am referring to by that statement is that I would like to see you present more than just your leadership skills. You see, one can be a leader without needing to influence his people. A leader who knows how to delegate commands and push his team towards the completion of a project is already considered a leader who produces results. However, a leader who knows how to inspire his people by mentoring them and encouraging them to complete a task for the good of many is what most people consider an effective leader. In the essay that you have written, you seem to be more of a leader who knows how to lead using technical aspects of the role. The heart of your role, as an influential or inspiring figure is not clearly seen. So what I would like you to do is present something that will show your influential role as a leader in your group.

Scholarship / Networking questions - chevening scholarship - Chartered Accountants in health [6]

Mun, as a returning Chevening scholar, there is a better way to approach your networking essay. Since you have already previously applied for and successfully completed the scholarship program, the thrust of your networking essay at this point in time should be no longer on how to build your network but rather, on how you have built your network since you first completed the program.

So your essay should highlight the accomplishments in terms of networking since then. Does the network of organizations that you mentioned at the start of your essay related to the network you create post graduate studies? If so, you need to make that abundantly clear. An explanation as to how these networks were created after your graduation will suffice. The other accounting specific organization that you belong to is a nice additional touch to the network.

Towards the end of the essay, you can actually try to explain how you have been using your own network to help the Chevening alumna and current set of scholars. That way it becomes obvious that you are the true embodiment of a Chevening scholar and that you will continue down the path of paying back to the scholarship this time around.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - Career plan! I have a vision how to implement it in my city. [7]

Liseth, it is alright to open the essay on the negative note because that is the basis of your career plan. My advice to you is not to change it because if you do, then you will have to revise the content of the whole essay as the premise of your idea or goals no longer exist. Keep it as is in order to prevent extra and unnecessary work on your part.

Regarding the time frame for the plans you have outlined, I don't think that one year will be enough to get everything done. Considering the red tape that often hinders these types of projects, I would project a 5 year project plan instead. There are no rules that dictate a set time for your career plans. Just that you have to set one. The most acceptable time frame for short term plans like yours is 5 years. Nobody needs to know if you finish it earlier.

Now, as you discuss the method by which you will be executing your project ideas, I believe that this would be the best opportunity to create a solid reference as to how your networking skills, specifically using Chevening as the jump off point can benefit your project. It would be interesting for them to know that you already have plans to integrate Chevening into your post study plans. In fact, I believe that it is encouraged since they ask you in a separate essay about how you believe the network you can create through the scholarship can help you and the future scholars upon graduation.

Scholarship / My aim is to make difference in the pharmaceutical industry field. Chevening questions - career plan [6]

Hanady, how can it be possible that the UK will not have any interests in your country? If you applying for a Chevening scholarship then there is some sort of connection between the two countries. My advice is for you to look at the pharmaceutical side of the relationship. Look for specific deals entered into by UK drug companies in relation with your country. I am sure something will turn up and you can use that information as part of the "interests of the UK" aspect of the prompt.

While the information about your previous experience with this organization is nice to read about. You could have merely indicated that you belonged to the group in college and still concentrated on your future career plans instead. The additional information about the group is not necessary to this essay. An overview of the information would have sufficed.

Aside from my above observations, I believe that the remaining information is relevant to your application and should remain as part of the revised essay.

Scholarship / 'the best part of leadership is seen through legacy' - Chevening - Health Policy development [6]

Mar, is there any chance that you can provide the name of the group or hospital that you were working with when Ebola broke out in your country? In professional essays that require you to present solid evidence of your skills, you must always provide complete information as possible about the company you were affiliated with at the time. This is for fact checking purposes should the need arise during the consideration of your application.

Overall though, the information you provided in the essay is quite good and shows off your leadership and influencing skills in an easy, relaxed manner. You are obviously well experienced in the field you wish to study and MA for. I wonder though, do you have an influencing experience that can be presented aside from the way that it was involved in your leadership skills? In these sorts of essays, it is always best to present 2 obvious references to the prompt requirements, for clarity sake that is.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - the next step to be a leader in the field of clinical oncology [9]

Laila, this has a very nice personal story to tell. However, the age that you were at when your father left means that you were a mere child at that time and could not have possibly relayed the kind of analysis that your mother received from you. Reviewers will see this as an exaggeration on your part and have serious doubts about your ability to tell the straightforward truth in your essay. In all essays, be it collegiate applications or international scholarships like Chevening, the experiences that you relate need to be believable. Now, I am not saying that you are lying by what you said. What I am saying, is that the reviewers will want to hear more about your leadership skills than just a mere child telling her mother how to run the family. Nobody will believe that that you were that instrumental in the running of your family at that age.

Without that paragraph in your essay, there is nothing. The essay does not have any substance at all and cannot even respond to the most basic question provided using a believable, factual, and confirmable explanation on your part. The leadership evidence needs to be professional, not personal. Your qualifications to lead must be memorable and relevant to your application. In other words, this essay cannot be used for the purposes of the provided prompt. You have to start a new one. One that will accurately deliver a strong leadership personality on a professional level.

Scholarship / I build my network working in Human Resources Management at "Electrolux Egypt Company" [5]

Mahmoud, the essay is great. Your approach to the development of your networking skills and the way that you were able to use it for the betterment of your career is refreshing. It displays the ability that you have to not only use your current network, but also provide a new network through existing contacts. I am wondering though if you never had the opportunity to allow other people to use this network? Somehow, I feel that the uniqueness of your essay will be further enhanced if you can present an actual use of this network outside of your own needs. That is what sets this essay apart from the others. As for that single sentence about how helping people is your hobby, it requires more development in line with the prompt requirements for it to actually help add some context to your essay. If you can't add relevant information to that line, I suggest that you lose it instead.

I am not sure about the last paragraph that you have posted. Why do you have question marks in it? Are you asking me or telling me about this information? Kindly clarify that point. By the way, don't mention facebook and linkedIn towards the end. Digital networks are difficult to defend in such a reality based network essay discussion.

Scholarship / The networking is an art which mastery requires self-confidence and diplomatic abilities [2]

Okoye, in the performance of your duty, you met these important people and got recommendation letters from them for the benefit of your school activity. Now, I have a question for you. Were you able to keep in contact with these big name professors? Do they still remember who you are? Have you become a personal friend to them? If asked to present a letter of recommendation from these people, will they willingly give it to you? Can you actually approach them, by name or position and have support you outside of the event that you mentioned? If the answer to any of these questions, or all these questions will be a resounding no, then remove that paragraph from your essay.

Your ability to network should not rely on the mention of notable names. It should be reliant upon your actual ability to create a network for yourself that you can call upon in a moment's instance. You can still use the information in that paragraph if you wish. Just remove the names of the people you mentioned before and turn it into a general discussion. Always remember that there will be instances when the information you provide will be double checked by the reviewer. For your protection and to save you from future embarrassment, it would be best to just mention the position and not the person.

While it would be better if your had a truly professional experience in relation to creating a network, what you have presented is intricate and notable enough due to the objective of the actions you took. So we might be able to create a competitive essay out of this narrative.

Scholarship / Leadership plays a vital role to achieve goals [3]

Shahid, you have delivered a very strong argument in support of your leadership skill and style. It is exemplary and provides you with a clear opportunity to impress the reviewer with the projects that you handled. It is nice to read that you did not encounter any difficulties when it came to implementing the projects and getting the team to work together for the benefit of the project completion. That smoothness in your leadership style is also what makes it unbelievable.

There is no leader in the world who does not encounter some sort of leadership problem that did not require influencing his team to stay on the path of success. That is what is lacking in your essay. The example of how you inspired your subordinates when problems arose in the project. When obstacles prevented the completion of a task. Or when questions arose regarding your leadership style. How did you serve to influence these team members to perform at their best or accept your leadership based upon an inspiring example of influence and skill?

Try to come across as more human in the essay instead of a superhero. There is room for that. Show your human side as a leader. Right now, the essay is too technical in approach and requires some heart.

Scholarship / My first immediate plan is returning to Beloxxi Industries, then establish a non-profit organization [2]

Lawal, it is really impressive to know that you will not only have some professional goals in mind after graduation, but that you plan to balance it out with your civic responsibilities and growth as well. However, since the two plans separate in implementation, then you should be discussing these two as separate topics.

For your professional plans, I suggest that you look into the type of career path that you can have at your company. Look for the highest position you can achieve and then explain how you plan to achieve that within, say 4 years? That way you deliver the idea that you have an immediate short term career plan and execution process.

The civic plans that you have for your organization are well thought out and presented. I don't believe that we need to revise anything in terms of content in that part at this moment. Maybe we can further develop that content based upon whatever information you place in your revised essay. Maybe there will be some sort of connection between your professional and civic plans that will help enhance the paper further.

Scholarship / 'I was interested in building a strong relations' - Networking question of Chevening [2]

Mostafa, redirect your essay focus to the way that you developed a network of useful contacts within your line of work, while on the job. Virtual networks such as linkedIn are not entirely impressive to the reviewers because these are not contacts that you have easy access to in the real world, should the need to contact them on the job arise. What they need from you, is an example of a network that you have which had a direct impact upon the performance of your duties and allowed you to learn a new aspect of your job or increased your leadership ability somehow.

If I were you, my focus would be more on developing your network skills as an onsite electrical engineer. From what I have read, this is exactly what your essay needs to present. Portray an example of how your networking skills helped enhance or improve project performance on the end of the workers. Maybe through the expediting of supply delivery or the need to get some work done that required the participation of other suppliers? Something along those lines. Just make sure it involved calling up a number of people to get the job done.

Towards the end, please inform Chevening about how the network you will build can also be beneficial to their future scholars and alumna as well. This scholarship is about sharing, which is why it is mentioned specifically in the prompt. So make sure to address that in the final part of your essay without fail.

Scholarship / Due to a dynamic business environment, I see networking as a powerful yet most valuable tool [2]

Hope, there is a growing misconception that creating a friend network via Facebook is considered a skill that can prove that you have the ability to network. That is not the case. In most instances, professional circles frown upon the practice of using FB contacts as a method of proving a working skills because, well, FB is an open network that allows anybody to send a friend request or a message, whether you actually know that person or not. The mere fact that people can click on a "Send Friend Request" button on your FB page and you magically have more friends than you can ever have dreamed of doesn't impress the reviewer. Yes, even if it is a circle of people based upon your previous exposure to certain activities. What the reviewer is looking for is the practical application of your networking skills. I do not discount the importance of social media in today's world. I am just saying that it is always best to lay your facts based on real world application rather than virtual reality.

Chevening also accepts networks created through civic related activities. So your church group really works to your advantage in this case. I suggest building the image of your networking abilities using that part of your skill set instead. I can see the potential to do so just by reading the overview you have presented. I hope that you can work on it.

Now, as far as the final statement is concerned, you mentioned how your network can help you when you return to your country. You missed out on another important aspect of the prompt requirements by-this-much. Please create a connection between your network, how you will use your network, and how Chevening can benefit from this network of yours in the future. How will your network help you pay if forward to the scholarship that helped you achieve a career altering dream of yours?

Scholarship / Leadership is a process of influencing others to accomplish a mission in a simple way [4]

Okky, using the term etc. in your paper removes the seriousness and professional purpose of your essay. Kindly remove the term and close that paragraph on a more informative and professional note. It is important that you do not use terms that will make this essay seem semi-formal or casual in the eyes of the reviewer. This paper is part of your preliminary interview and should therefore, be treated as such in terms of the written language used.

Now, as far as the leadership and influencing experience is concerned, I will admit that you have displayed a sense of not only leadership, but also influencing skills throughout your narration. However, since it involves a student activity during your college years, I am convinced that it will not deliver the same impact upon the reviewer that a recent, profession based leadership and influencing event could create. Will it be highly difficult for you to come up with a profession based narration for this essay? Consider that you will need to prove your mettle as a leader and influencer among a pack of applicants that will include engineers, doctors, lawyers, civic leaders, and other similarly high profile occupations / applicants and the realization that you need a more impressive leadership and influencing skill to narrate becomes evident. You need to be able to compete with their credentials and at this point, your essay will not measure up to what they have to offer.

Undergraduate / PHILIPPINES: THE LAND OF THE UNEMPLOYED, A SNAPSHOT OF THE PHILIPPINE CASE [2]

Sam, before we can accurately review the content of this paper, we need to have some additional information. Information such as whether this is a research paper or a speech? What is the premise of your paper? Who is the audience of your paper? What message do you hope to get across with the information you presented? We really need a set of guidelines so that we can accurately review and advice you regarding the content of the paper.

In general though, the grammar is good. It has a perfectly academic tone, and delivers in terms of information about the topic you are discussing. However, we need clarification regarding the hypothesis of this paper. Aside from that, the conclusion does not seem to offer a clear suggestion regarding how the problems of unemployment in your country can be addressed either by the business sector or government. All of the concerns were presented, and yet no possible solutions could be found based on research from your end? I am not sure if that is how this paper should end.

Scholarship / Beloxxi industries (a food manufacturing company) ignited my interest in logistics and supply chain [2]

Lawal, do me a favor and look up the links between the UK and your country's tourism program. Make sure that you can find some specific programs linking the two that have a direct relationship with your interest in HRM. From there, look for the masters courses that the universities in the UK offer which can help you further build your career, still in relation with the plans of the UK for Nigerian tourism in the UK and in Nigeria. This can be in relation to hotel and restaurant management, tourism programs, or anything similar. Choose your top 3 choices then write a new essay based on the following direction:

1. The program of the UK in Nigeria related to tourism
2. Your background in relation to the program
3. Your top 3 course choices that relate to your training and the UK program
4. Your future immediate career goals (upon graduation) that relates to promoting the UK program in your country

Complete these steps and you will be able to write a more proper response to the essay. Your current response does not supply any of this necessary information so you have to correct that as soon as possible.

Scholarship / Every house needs a good foundation. Short and long-term goals like building a house. [9]

Mun, what happened to the formatting of your paper? Why did you squish all of the information into one long and difficult to read paragraph? Do the reviewer a favor and use paragraphs. You should hit that enter key to separate the paragraphs by topic. Right now, the essay is a string of words that are hard to follow and doesn't allow the reader to create a fluid flow of thought. It's a very bad idea on your part to format the paper this way.

As for the content, seriously, the first essay you wrote was fine. It just needed a little tweaking. I offered your information to help you create a better paper. Somehow, when you revised the content, you forgot to retain the original formatting you got. I like the concept of building a house in the first essay that you wrote. Why did you decide not to use that format anymore? It was really clear and allowed the reviewer to scan the essay for important content easily. It also made your essay "pop" on the written page. Is there a chance you can retain the first format but include the important information that you added in this version of the essay?

Graduate / I have always harboured a keen interest in Economics and current affairs - Application for UCL MSc [5]

Sandy, I suggest that you open with the financial crisis of 2008 instead of the current opening that you have now. The character count should go down to around 4851 if you do that. Then jump immediately to the paragraph talking about the array of modules that you followed. That discussion cuts to the chase and allows you come down to 4334 characters, leading to a shorter but more informative essay. There is also no need to give the module description. That just sounds like a filler sentence at this point. Its removal will result in a 4193 word count.

Before I go any further with reducing the word count, I would like to call your attention to the paragraph that includes a description about your assignment that you did on Venezuela. It is running too long and contains multiple topics in a paragraph that should be divided into topic paragraphs instead. I suggest that you divide that paragraph as I suggest and then review it again. I have a feeling that you can lower the word count further if you can figure out how to summarize the discussions presented.

Now, when an application box tells you that it works best with a 3000 word count, it is best to aim for that maximum count, even if they have an option for a longer essay to be uploaded. Sometimes, the reviewers prefer to read the shorter, but more informative essays as opposed to lengthy, wordy essays that isn't really as interesting as the writer thinks it is. I am not saying your work is bad. What I am pointing out, is that your essay will benefit from more editing. Unfortunately, only you can decide which parts are irrelevant or can be shortened. I can only offer suggestions up to a certain point.

Scholarship / Human resource management and the marketing communication and advertising - why these courses? [6]

Choyhar, kindly mention some accomplishments that you have had in marketing that would support your claim regarding your marketing skills. That will allow you you to properly connect your past academic or professional achievements with your current skill set and future career goals. Kindly list the universities in chronological order on the page. Without the introductory sentences. Make it almost list type, numerical listings if you must. That way the reviewer can directly scan the information if he needs to do so for comparison purposes. Right now, I find that if I were the reviewer, I would have to scan the essay from beginning to end in order to find the university discussion that I am looking for. Don't make him look for the information. Make sure that it is always within eye-catching distance of the reader.

Your first two university choices lack a relevant description of how these would fit into your future career. Kindly address that missing information in order to better present the discussion of your course and university choices. It sounds more to me like you are more interested in marketing than the other 2 courses. After all, you were able to properly develop your marketing discussion. Something that you weren't able to successfully accomplish with the other 2.

I hope you won't mind revising it one more time?

Scholarship / Describe how you plan to give back to your community after your grduation. [6]

Mun, let me see if I can help you direct this essay by showing you an example of how I would write it. Maybe you can learn from the example I will be setting for you. Here we go:

After I graduate with my degree in accounting, I plan to go back and help my community. You see, my community is filled with wonderful people who all look forward to starting their own businesses. However, they don't have their own accountants and they can't afford to pay for their accounting needs. Now, these are the very same people I grew up with. Who took care of me while my parents were at work by baby sitting me. They gave me part time jobs growing up so I could buy things I wanted when my parents did not have the money. I owe them a lot and I plan to give back to them in the best way I know how. By keeping their books and doing their accounting work pro-bono. By doing so, I will not only be able to thank them for the help they gave me as I grew up, but I would also be able to help our community grow in terms of investments and proper tax payments. Proper tax payments, that's why I'll do my work for free for them. They are good working people who need to pay the right taxes, but also keep a profit for themselves. I know other accountants can't do that for them because they don't know these people like I do. So I'll give back to them by giving them a part of me for as long as they live, my accounting side.

That is just an example of how you can develop a response to the essay. I hope my sample can help you develop an original one of your own. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Taking business administration course will help me fulfill my plan to become high level manager [5]

Menna, it is good enough for a start. You still have a little ways to go before you can say that this essay is ready for use. Let's call this a work in progress. for starters, never tell the reviewer that you cannot afford the fees to attend any of these universities. You are already applying for a scholarship so we already know you would like to get sponsorship for your studies. There is no need to state the obvious in this case. It might just irritate the reviewer. I suggest removing that part as soon as you can.

Next, you need to breakdown your choice of universities in consideration of their course offerings, differences in teaching approach, and their ability to help you train in this field prior or after completing the course. Insert this discussion between your presentation of your early background and the reasons for your higher study. The essay you have developed is good. The part about your interest in an MBA is simple and direct to the point. Good job! There is still room for improvement though.

Scholarship / Considering my professional experience and future plans, I have chosen the courses as described [3]

Babar, when you were asked to write this essay, you were also requested to write an overview of your past academic and work experiences in support of your chosen courses and universities. The previous experience is placed at the start of the discussion because it will lay the groundwork for your interest in the courses you have chosen. The future goals can be placed within the course discussion as you have done now. Just remember to make some sort of concluding statement that will recap your experiences along with your goals for the future. Remember to ensure that your past academic and professional experiences should highlight your ability to excel in the course once you begin to attend classes. Strengthen your claims regarding your potential to blaze a trail as a leader in this field with the proper training offered by the university.

Scholarship / I've developed professional links with senior civil servants, technical specialists and politicians [4]

Babar, this essay sounds more like you are trying to appeal to the Chevening committee based upon a referral from an unknown alumna instead of presenting an accurate depiction of any network that you have created for yourself. While you should present plans for the creation of a Chevening arm in Pakistan after you complete your course, as this serves as a sign of how networking will help you in the future with Chevening as your foundation, you should have concentrated on showing off your networking development skills instead.

It would seem that you actually have this ability, but you are afraid to develop the essay around it for some reason. I don't think mentioning that you were referred by an alumna, but then not give his name, year he joined the program, and include a referral letter from him, makes that information worthwhile. While it shows some sort of networking skill, it does not have any factual data to back it up.

Try to aim for networking information that you can support with factual evidence before you present your idea for the Chevening alumna arm in your country. It is important that you prove your skill first, without the aid of back up from the unnamed alumna. Get into the program using your own strengths. That way, when you win the scholarship, you will feel even prouder of yourself because you did it without the use of influence on the committee members. You will have gotten in on your own merits.

Scholarship / I had to adjust myself to a whole new environment, culturally, educationally, and geographically. [3]

Yee, your essay perfectly conveys your problems with the language barrier. It brings a focus upon your situation as an ESL learner and accurately explains how you overcame the barriers and challenges that you faced. While you still face some problems, it is nice to know that you have not lost hope and continue to strive to overcome your language related problems. That said, the narrative is good, but the formatting is bad. Bad in a way that you just need to make paragraph adjustments, which are not really big problems for your essay.

Just remember to divide the essay into specific paragraphs, with a topic sentence for each paragraph. The divisions or line breaks are inserted using the enter key on the keyboard. After you fix the formatting, you can review the essay one more time on your end for possible content that you can remove. As far as I am concerned, there are no extra pieces of information that do not belong in the essay. You should be able to use the essay once you get the formatting fixed.

Scholarship / I can complete the proposed courses successfully Management & Implementation of Development Projects [4]

Shahid, first up, did you forget to list the 3 courses that you are considering applying to? I don't seem to see them in the essay at the moment. Due to the length of your essay narrative, I suggest that you use bullet points to immediately draw the attention of the reviewer to your course choices. I also suggest that you review your background information and future plans for length. More importantly, you should be able to connect your plans for future studies, previous academic training, and simple career plan with each of the specific courses. That is the proper format for a Chevening Study in the UK essay. The connections will help the reviewer understand the relevance, importance, and your skill set in relation to your chosen courses.

Your essay is really informative and delivers the important aspects related to your academic background, professional ability, and future plans. However, there is still a need to properly connect the courses with your abilities. It should not be hard for you to do. I am sure that the lack of course choices was just an oversight on your part.

Scholarship / One day I'll go back to my war-torn country Syria - country that needs real leaders and action doers [4]

Fantastic turnabout! I can't believe that this was written by the same Medo who made the same mistakes in the previous version. This is definitely the work of a man who not only analyzed the prompt, but ensured that he would be presenting himself in the best light as a leader and influential figure at his workplace. I am reading the essay again in disbelief.

The only critique that I have for your essay is that you did not delve into the reasons as to why your boss believed that you would be the best man for this leadership position. I believe that if you can convince the reviewer that your boss saw certain skills in you as a potential leader, then the rest of the story that you are sharing will be more believable and acceptable to him.

Try to work a little more on the revision I am suggesting. I believe that it will make the essay even stronger than it is at the moment and should be ready for use once we have completed the final reading.

Graduate / "A man's reach should exceed his grasp" - Essay for Masters in Architectural Engineering [3]

Rishabh, can you kindly clarify if you are writing a statement of purpose, personal statement, letter of intent, or what with this essay? If you could provide some additional insight into the purpose of this essay, just so we can review it along the proper guidelines. I believe that you are trying to write a statement of purpose and with that in mind, I offer you the following guidelines to help you shorten this essay and also better focus the content:

1. Your first paragraph should indicate your current work description and your position in the company. Make sure to indicate that this position has room for career growth and that is the reason why you are interested in this masters course.

2. Indicate, in overview form, your college related education along with work seminars or training attended. This will help you to present a logical progression in your career path.

4. Explain how this university can help you achieve your goals by mentioning specific courses and training programs that is exclusive to the university.
5. Present a short term career plan in relation to your desired course of study. That way, you make it clear that you are entering this line of study with the full intention of completing it. Some people are unable to complete their masters studies due to poor planning so you should b able to convince the reviewer that you are going to be able to complete the requirements and graduate on schedule.

I'll save my other comments for after we figure out what kind of essay you are trying to write and what other specifics might be needed or should be removed from my instructions above.

Scholarship / Being very active about the themes that I am passionate about; Chevening Scholarship Leadership [2]

Lucia, let's get one thing clear here, you absolutely cannot use the Harry Potter fan club as your major example of leadership skills. It is juvenile and doesn't give the reader much faith regarding your leadership abilities. Nothing trivial can ever prove that you can lead and inspire people. This sort of club is more of a hobby than anything else. The Chevening scholarship requires seriousness and an understanding of what it means to be a leader because the scholarship is using the platform to train world leaders of tomorrow. So no references to pop culture at all please. Be professional at all times. Show that you have an understanding of the responsibility that comes with being a scholar of this prestigious foundation.

My advice to you is to start your essay with your performance of your Representative duties at the Erranto. The list of your college activities, leading up to your internship at the United Nations are all clear examples of your leadership and influencing skills. Just try to present a little more information regarding how you performed those duties while you were in New York.

Your leadership skills are quite admirable and you have a strong belief in your definition of leadership. However, we need to see a little more information regarding your ability to influence others to become of assistance to you in an effort to achieve your goals. Once you set that example in, along with the aforementioned suggestions, then your essay will be all set for use.

Scholarship / The DAAD Motivational Letter - "The reasons, which motivate me to apply for this funding program" [6]

Viktor, as with any motivational letter, you should do your best to simply stick to the facts regarding your application. That means, you do not need to mention any other similar programs. Most specially, do not make a comparison of the program requirements from various scholarships. That makes it seem like you have applied to and been rejected by those programs. That is a big no, no in any application.

When you discuss the reasons why you have opted to study your masters degree in Germany, please do not mention that it is because they do not charge any tuition fees. That is a very selfish and pathetic reason to opt to study in a foreign country. A more acceptable answer would be related to a university and program of study that you have chosen. Relating those to your current work experience and how you hope to be able to use that information in your line of work in the future. Please revise that part of your essay immediately.

If you wish to further improve your letter, you may do so by mentioning one of the many companies where you can do your 6 month internship and why you believe that training there would be beneficial to your country or line of work. Right now, I feel that you do not realize you have to do an internship program since you speak from the point of view of an observer rather than a participant in the process. How do you intend to become a beneficial member of your country in this field of work upon your return? Don't just say it explain how you plan to do it. These are specifics that you definitely need to work out for this letter.

Most of all, you should make sure that your letter will answer only these important points and it should not be more than a page long. So that means 5 paragraphs, at least 3 lines per paragraph response, and no deviation from the demands of the motivational letter that will make it unduly long.

Scholarship / My career vision is to provide the electricity to marginalized communities and rural areas in Sudan. [3]

Arwa, your plans should be more specific than this. Don't present just an overview of your career plans. The reviewer needs to see that you have a concrete, set in stone plan for your future career. So, you cannot just indicate that you have have a short term career goal. You have to set the time frame for it. The scholarship needs to see that you are razor focused on using your newly earned knowledge for the betterment of your career, field of work, and other related concerns. Usually, a 5 year career plan can prove this. The long term career plans tend to change depending upon the issues concerned with your short term career plan so I would not go so far as to mention those plans just yet. Only the immediate plans related to this course of study and scholarship should be reflected in the essay.

Scholarship / Chevening courses - to achieve corroborative academic level and link it with profession or career. [2]

Hanady, you have to outline your course and university choices via bullet points. You must also rank the choices from top to bottom. Meaning you list your first choice university and course first, then the second, then the third. You also need to create a connection either with your past academic / work experience or your future career goals. I don't see that part represented in your essay. Keep in mind that the essay you have written is considered too short by most standards due to the lacking information and formatting issues. So you need to address those before you can proceed with finalizing the content of the essay.

When you talk of your career plan. You should only discuss your future career goals. You are wasting your time recalling your previous academic experiences as those are irrelevant to the prompt. Consider a 5 year career plan and the discuss how you plan to accomplish these goals accordingly.

By the way, we have a one essay, one thread limit at this forum. The only reason I advised you on the second one at this point is because it is still short enough to allow for the analysis of 2 essays at the same time. However, I believe your second essay could be deleted at any moment by the admin. In that case, just open a new thread with the second essay placed in it. We will be sure to get back to you as soon as we can.

Undergraduate / Why I selected Computer Science as my major - Illinois -- Urbana-Champaign prompt [2]

Yamini, in answer to your first question, you should remove all references to your interest in programming starting from the age of 7. The reviewers always view such claims as an exaggeration on the part of the student and normally do not pay particular attention nor give any weight to such claims. Instead, you could reword your paragraph that talks about how you gained an interest in the CS while in the 10th grade. That sounds much more logical and believable to the reviewer.

As for your future goals, if you don't have any actual experience in Cryptography, I would not suggest using it in this essay. If you cannot give a strong justification for the goal, based upon your previous experience or related interests that you had pursued, it's going to be hard to sell that to the reviewer. Just go with what you know you can accurately discuss and support in the essay. You can never go when you do that.

Scholarship / Violence in my country (Leadership) - Aplication for Chevening scholarship [2]

CArolina, I am not sure about the approach that you are taking with this essay. It seems that the concentration of the essay is more of a backgrounder and summation of your life experiences rather then being a leadership and influencing essay. It is not enough to mention that you worked with such and such organization and then explain the objectives of the organization. Your work as indicated in your essay is more of a participatory role rather than leadership.

As I keep on telling the others applying for the same scholarship here. Implications are good but actual leadership and influencing examples are necessary in order to provide the necessary data for the essay. The essay has excellent jump off points in terms of providing a path towards leadership and influencing on your side. The problem, is that these skills and how you used / developed them in (through action) doesn't come across clearly in the essay. Try to make the leadership role that you played and an actual influential role that you undertook more evident in the narration of the story. Take us into the work that that you had to do. Specifics matter at this point.

Your closing statement is particularly strong and provides an insight into the kind of leader that you can be in the future. Don't save that for the end, place it at the beginning where it can influence the reader to get to know more about your leadership abilities.

Scholarship / My last - the reintroduced leadership answer essay. I always strive to improve more. [8]

Phoowadon, you are getting better with your leadership and influencing essay discussion development. I can see that you have put great thought into choosing which of your past leadership opportunities would best suit this essay prompt. Might I suggest that you better develop your statement about studying in Switzerland? That student leadership experience is something that could definitely help make your essay stand out from the other applicants. Just remember to better expand on the idea behind how you ended up in the leadership role. Also, try to better present your influencing skill within the group. That portion is a bit scattered at the moment and can use some more refining.

In the part where you speak of showing off your confidence in in teaching and managing people, try to make it sound more like you are an influencing (inspirational) figure to the people you were handling. That is because the leadership and influencing role should have a balanced discussion and presentation within the essay.

You are currently presenting one of each important aspects of the prompt. This is an essay that, once you have developed properly, it can be used for your Chevening application already.

Scholarship / 'the great scientific prestige' - why you have selected those three university courses? [4]

Zainb, I can see that you really threw yourself into the research behind your choice of courses and universities. Your choices are clear, when considering the course description that you are offering. However, I do not see how you can relate it to your past or present academic or professional experience. Remember, the essay asks you to explain how the course you opt to study could possible relate to your future career or past academic experience? It is necessary for you to indicate your qualifications for the course you have chosen because the reviewer needs to know that you have the background to successfully complete the course. Or that you have plans to utilize the information within your future career. So you will need to expand upon the explanations that you already have existing within the course and university choices that you have presented.

Kingsley, since you are not offering advice to Zainb and you are instead, asking for a review of your own essay, kindly post a completely new thread that is dedicated to your own essay. We are concentrated on helping Zainb in this thread so your own application will not receive the same attention that it deserves. It is not hard to start your own thread. I look forward to giving your essay the dedicated attention it deserves in terms of reviewing it. Please do that soon. Thanks.

Scholarship / Networks and connections can maximize your opportunities and expand your vision and perspective [2]

Karen, I definitely agree with what you said about communication being an important skill. However, for all the intents and purposes of your essay, you should have indicated the importance of communication in relation to networking and influencing abilities. Therefore, your statement should have been going along these lines:

Communication is an important factor when it comes to networking. Based upon my experience, I have learned that in order to develop a network, I need to be able to properly convey my thoughts, wants, and needs in order to influence people to assist me. When I finally need to get that network running I should have the ability to instruct and lead the network I created towards a path that will ensure the completion of my vision. Therefore, networking without communication in my opinion, is a failure and I can offer concrete proof of that. I embody the truth behind the idea that "networking , along with effective influencing, requires good communication skills".

Do you see how the mere adjustment of your opening statement can improve and strengthen the rest of your essay? By the way, the rest of the essay doesn't require too much revision. That's why I would rather concentrate on improving your opening statement first. We will get to the minor corrections soon enough.

Scholarship / 'strong leaders at every level' - Chevening scholarship in the field of clinical oncology [4]

Laila, Please post your essays in individual threads. The rules of the forum indicate that there should only be one essay per thread because the reviewers cannot accurately review 4 essays simultaneously. The admin of this forum will most likely delete your multiple thread and leave only one essay, most likely the leadership one, for advising in this thread. Kindly post the other 3 essays in separate threads as soon as you can. In the meantime, I will comment on the essay that is most likely to remain once your thread is edited, that is the leadership thread.

You misunderstood the prompt. What you wrote is a personal statement which, would have been fantastic if you were responding to a different prompt that is not related to the Chevening scholarship. What you need to do is come up with examples of your leadership skills either in a civic or professional sense. This is not about informing the reader about cancer or portraying your dreams and ambitions for yourself in this field.

What you have to do is explain how you are an emerging leader in the field of oncology in your country. Have you participated in any cutting edge research where you took the lead on a certain topic of research? Is there any sign that you are capable of inspiring / influencing your subordinates to continue in helping you create or discover advancements in this field? Why do you consider yourself a leader? Base your response upon your actions. Not future plans, not a personal definition of leadership.

Your response must embody and portray your work as a leader. At the moment, you don't even come across as a follower in the response that you wrote. The content of your response is just totally wrong for the prompt.

Scholarship / Commercialized CAE software for Indonesia - Chevening Scholarsip - Career Plan Essay [4]

Hi Rubani. Thanks for considering my comments. If you need some help with getting the research done in the area of space research, you can try to research the time frame needed for the most basic outer space experiment. For example, the most recent experiment was geared towards learning about how man would react to living in space for one year, based on the possible Mars landing information requirements. That experiment lasted 1 year. So that can be the cornerstone or foundation for your time frame. The shortest, man-involved experiment is one year and the non-human related experiment is still ongoing at the international space station. Since the normal career plan takes a short term of 5 years, you can try to find something that you can research within that time frame I guess. Good luck !

Writing Feedback / 'Since I was paralyzed..' - College Essay, give advice [5]

Lydia, I can tell that you have written this essay as part of a college common app prompt. I am just not sure which one it is that you are trying to answer. Is it about the background story? I think it would be better if you can provide a copy of the prompt that you are responding to so that I can offer you a better analysis of the essay. You see, sometimes, specific prompts ask for specific information or a certain writing style. I want to be sure that I offer you the best advice possible in relation to the instructions you were given. In the meantime, here is a general review of your essay.

There is a lack of follow through on the topic of your mother crying hysterically at 4 am and you seeing her doing so. Is this a scene that you want to build upon further in your revised essay or would you feel comfortable removing it? I suggest removing it because your succeeding paragraphs do not make mention of your mother and that incident anymore. The focus of the essay went from her, in the opening statement, to you throughout. Which is how it should be.

Now, mind your tense usage as well. When you discuss Priscilla, you do so from a present point of view while the rest of the paragraph was developed in the past. I believe that Priscilla should also be discussed in the same past manner. Keep in mind that your essay seems to be speaking in hindsight so proper tense usage is quite important at this point.

As for the rest of my observations, those will have to wait till I get a copy of the prompt guide from you. I hope these comments can help for now. I promise to deliver more improvement suggestions as soon as I receive the guide question.