Writing Feedback / Describe table - companies advertising expediture IELTS task1 [5]

Use a comma:

The table shows us the advertising expenditure in three different countries, namely Australia, South Korea, and Brazil.----Actually, I added 2 commas.

And in this case you need a comma on each side of the cause:
Unlike Brazil, which spends less money in this two sectors, the percentage of spending in these two sectors is around 15% .

Again here:
Unlike Korea, where the 30% of total expenditure are divided respectively in 12% to the both sponsorship and Direct Mail sectors and only 6% to Internet, ______ (continue the sentence).

What are you saying above? Unlike Korea, what?
If I start a sentence like this, it has to continue and make it's point: Unlike Korea, where people speak Korean, ___________.

Okay, anyway I am just nitpicking. You are writing very well about a table, and that is always difficult to do!!

Letters / Cover letter for PhD in cancer. Confused if it looks like SOP? [4]

That first paragraph is presented well, but it needs one thing added to establish interest... what can you add to that first paragraph so that you will strike the reader's interest? As of now, that intro is uneventful, though certainly very clearly and professionally written.

Try to add something to that intro that will give the reader a word or concept to associate with you in their minds.

This is the sort of situation where you should separate the "extra" clause with a pair of commas:
Although my post-graduate dissertation work, "Influence of **** Derivatives on Diabetic Neuropathy and Diabetic Nephropathy," focuses on diabetes, studying the pathophysiology and molecular mechanisms involved ...

Just in case you do not know, I want to mention that the name of a journal should be italicized if possible:
...publication in the Journal of Medical Something or Other under the " Something Something" section.

Should these words be capitalized?
My second choice project is "Activated STAT3, Cell Death and Metastasis in **** Cancer" under Professor ***.

kay, this is a great essay, and I am to tell you something useful to help you I want to say that it can benefit from a little more expression of your Big Picture idea... what you are all about. I see that you are completing the necessary tasks for moving through your programs, but what are you all about. This is not a goal: joining a reputed university as a faculty member or a post-doctoral research fellow A goal is more specific, and it is based on one or more of your values or something you care deeply about. You already showed that you can write well and be professional, so now I think you should add at least a sentence or two that share your personal ideas and aspirations.

Graduate / "volunteering at my daughter's Xgrade class" - help with Statement of Purpose? [5]


I like that way of ending. But remember, in a closing salutation, only capitalize the first word, and in an opening salutation capitalize all words:

To Whom It May Concern:
Capitalize salutations correctly. That is important. Blah, blah, blah...
Best regards,
Kevin

I found their minds much more creative than the minds of adults, since they have not been introduced to variety of limitations we know as adults. ----I changed this sentence a lot for grammar improvement, but I wanted to mention that it is a very meaningful observation! Shunryu Suzuki says, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few."

( I simply put this because it is the only volunteery work that I have done )

... will enable me to channel my design creativity and marketing know-hows in the right direction, and _________ add some ideas to make a connection with your experience from teaching those kids.)

Subsequently After earning my MFA, I would like to apply for a faculty position at a leading university and help the next generation to achieve their goals in years to come.

This is the end although I don't like it---if you do not like it, that must be because it does not really express your passion, your intention. What is the most recent article you have read about teaching? What is your philosophy of education? What should we write on your gravestone? Think about what is most important to you, and share a little of that. If you don't share the concepts that are most important to you, it cannot be powerful writing. But if you share the important concepts, it will be powerful writing even if the grammar is not perfect.

:-)

Undergraduate / "American Studies and My World" - Transfer Application Essay [3]


Hi Patorooni, we are lucky to have you back!

I think the word prior is better than previous for that first sentence.

...because I overslept on the day of course registration and woke up to find that most of my first choice classes were full. ---ha ha, very engaging and interesting... okay, I am paying attention.

Get rid of that, and add a comma:
... my professor told us, that "T his will probably be one of your hardest classes," and even made a point to...

I excitedly turned to my friends Maggie and David, and, trying not to sound too nerdy, began by saying something to the extent of, "Isn't it so ...---I added a comma before the dialogue, but more importantly I wanted to tell you that you seem to have excellent command of grammar. Read Strunk and White to reinforce what you know.

And here I think you are looking for the word perspective:
...a more fulfilling and meaningful view perspective on the society I live in.

This is excellent. But.. can you give a few more sentences to help the reader know how American Studies and this transfer will fit with your overall, long term plan?

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-competition or co-operation-which is better? [7]

My favorite sentence: 'Your loss, my gain' kind of competition can never be fruitful in the long run.

I think this is just about perfect. It is very meaningful, and you expressed your ideas well. Now that the essay is finished, I think you should read it again and try to write a sentence that expresses the MAIN IDEA, the main MESSAGE of the essay. Add that sentence at the end of the first paragraph, and it will be like reinforcing your writing to make it stronger.

Undergraduate / Ignorance and xenophobia, U of C Supplement, Dissolved and Solvent [13]


These all sort of mean the same thing. What you really need to know is whether is has the most useful psychological effect on the reader. You want the reader to feel inspired by you, so that there is a desire to open doors of opportunity for you.

I think you should get rid of the first sentence. The essay will have a stronger start if it begins with the second sentence.

Then, at the end of the first paragraph, I suggest clearly answering their question about what you would like to dissolve.

Here is a tip that will improve your writing forever! :-) I am happy to be able to giv it to you. Capitalize when you quote someone's sentence:

...that, "You should go back to your country, you don't belong here," or my favorite, "Your people make me sick." ---I'm so embarrassed by the Americans that think this way. They make me sick!

I think you achieved your goal! But find a place near the beginning of the essay to say clearly what you want to dissolve.

Undergraduate / "'A little lie is useful in some cases?' - an ethical dilemma that you encountered [2]

Instead of saying...
"but that is not always true"
it might be better to say...
But in other cases, a small lie could make the problem worse.

I suggest that because the statement is, "A little lie is useful in some cases," and this already implies that it is not useful in all cases.

You are smart, ans this is a meaningful essay! Your English needs improvement, but that is no big deal.

Here is an idea:
asked me that whether she was big woman or not. ---You do not need to write "that" here.

Also... the expression is "hurt her feelings" not feeling.

Do you have questions? I like the way you write.

Scholarship / Financial Aid Scholarship - "Why should you receive a scholarship?" [5]


Wow, I totally relate to that. But in this sentence, I think you have more words than necessary. It is redundant to say numerous and also more than once. Fewer words, fewer words! :-)

I refuse to say I regret any of them. If it wasn't for those choices, I wouldn't be where I am or be the person I am today;---excellent, that is a good attitude. But if you make any really bad mistakes, you will regret them.

I want to tell you that it sounds like making excuses and making other people responsible. I don't think you intend that, but it is my job to tell you about the impression I get... it's like... you throw your mom under the bus and talk about your bad choices in relation to her bad influence.. and toxic people... it is a bad combination. When you take responsibility for bad choices, it is best not to talk at all about other people's faults. Write a different essay about their faults. Keep 'em separated. :-)

regrettably started examining my life. --I think you mean regretfully.

Throughout this, you confess all kinds of stuff. I think you should spill the story in a few simple sentences, and focus MOST of the essay on your strong intentions, your strong interest in the work that you want to do... the contribution you want to make to your field. Don't make it like, "I regretted the way my life was and wanted to do something." Make it about the inspiration that is welling up in you, the strong desire to make a big splash in this world by doing what you do best.

I think your attitude toward mistakes is great. So let this essay be a way to share your insight and ideas about what is important to you. Let the reader know what you are going to do.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "fixed punishments for each type of crime?" writing about discuss both view [2]

I found one more error:
However, there is increasing in crime rate, this problem does not only in specific part, but also can be seen in worldwide. ---run on sentence

However, there is increasing in crime rate. This problem does not only in specific part, but also can be seen in worldwide. ---Do you see why the sentence had to end? When you say, There is an increasing crime rate.

...that is a complete sentence.

... despite every way they try, should not be...---notice the 2 changes I made.

You are great! It's nice that you have compassion for people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Happiness- factors,definition and importance - Prosperity makes individuals complete [2]


I think you should add another sentence to the end of this paragraph. Let it be a sentence that discusses the contradiction: on one hand, happiness cannot be generalized, but on the other hand, you have these criteria that are always affecting it. So, it is perhaps possible to generalize a little bit based on these criteria.

You write very well!

Undergraduate / "my first set of crayons" - Personal Statement for Art Colleges [6]


This is beautiful writing. I got to the end of the first paragraph and had to stop to tell you I like it...

Art has always been an integral part of my life. ---There is a lot wrong with this sentence, but only because I am so opinionated. I don't like integral, and I don't like "has always been." They seem like cliches...

But seriously, that sentence gets the paragraph going in a slow way.


Yes, that whole para is unworthy of being in the same essay as the brilliant intro you wrote. I don't get much from that second para. I say you should replace it with an intellectual discussion of some concepts in art... concepts written about in professional journals... concepts studied in college.

Anyway, this is great, and the ending is great. You are a writer!

Undergraduate / "go into medical school and to become a doctor " - essay for University of Hartford? [3]

In the beginning of high school I wasn't always sure what the future would be.---This is a statement of the obvious, a "truism." It does not really help! Anyone could say this.

Joining clubs and doing community service showed me that you can make a difference.---You can be more specific about what you did.

... and understanding of biology. ---Again, it is better if you are more specific. If you have read a lot of books and articles, you will say something more specific because your interests are well-developed.

...a career in the medical field. ---And again, be more specific to show well developed interests and plans. What kind of physician? What kind of work setting? What advances in medical science interest you? What articles have you recently read?

:-)

Undergraduate / "my family and my friends" - Everyone belongs to different communities [4]


Well, what else is there? Enemies? I think it is not helpful to group them that way... it is better to find a more creative way to categorize the people who influenced you.

I firmly believe diversity around people improves them,--- I like this part. I agree with you!

Well, this essay is just a little too simplistic. You write well, and i think you are capable of tackling a subtler, more meaningful, abstract theme. What useful insight can you express as the theme of this essay?

:-)

Undergraduate / "a history that began in rural Mississippi" - Michigan short culture essay [3]

Right here, because you just told about the unfortunate discrimination, it would be great to add a sentence in this paragraph to tell about the insight you gain from this anecdote you just told... about the discrimination, I mean. In this paragraph, it would be good to add a sentence of reflection on what you can learn from that story and how it will apply to the work you want to do in the future.

Tethered to the world by the chains of history, I admire----This is AWESOME! Even though it is already a great sentence, think about how it would be if you replaced chains with a different noun. Tethered already expresses the idea of being "chained" to something, so you have the option to write something like..."Tethered to the world by the (any noun) of history, I admire...

Many possibilities are available for you there.

Great job!

Writing Feedback / (flexibility / tactfulness / fairness) important qualities of a good supervisor [5]

I think what he meant is this: For every idea, start a new paragraph.

Intro paragraph:
In my opinion, there are several qualities that a good boss should have. According to my personal experience, three points summarize the most important characteristics that a good manager must have. They include flexibility, respect, and objectivity. I think these three qualities make the manager ___________ (complete this thesis statement.) END OF 1ST PARAGRAPH.

Paragraph 2:
First, the manager should not be too flexible, neither too ...

Paragraph 3:
In addition, a good supervisor should respect his team---See? We start a new paragraph for the new topic.

Paragraph 4:
Finally, objectivity and fairness is a are very essential triats ...

Writing Feedback / 'all men are equal before the law' - fixed punishments for each type of crime? [10]

I'm glad you are doing stuff like this, William, because I saw some valuable reviews you have given people. Thanks for the time you have spent here helping people. EssayForum Contributor Page.

Undergraduate / Why Michigan? Political Science and Psychology [4]


I like this sentence.

This essay demonstrates great writing and intellectual ambition, but it could do a better job of expressing your specific aspirations. For example, this is the kind of general thing someone says if they have not become specific about the approach to psychology they want to take, their political philosophy, etc-- "fulfill my educational interests, participate in revolutionary research, and study abroad." That is general. But if you have read many books, you can discuss your intention to apply the principles of existential psych while you apply your pol. sci. work to feed war and eradicate the hungry. Well, you know what I mean.

:-) Get specific in your expression of your intentions.

Undergraduate / "the start of something new, exhilarating, and not experienced" - Why U Chicago essay [14]

Hi Kelsey, I just wanted to mention two things, in case you revisit this thread -- even though the deadline has passed and you have probably already impressed the AO reader.

First, this has great energy and enthusiasm, which is one of the best accomplishments in a piece of writing.

Second, it needs to be thematically tightened up a little. For example, draw some significance from that opening quote... what does it mean within the context of the essay. The essay's sentences can be about many things at once. So... the whole thing can be about this quote, but it also will be about your plans at the same time. What I'm saying is that when you write, try to make it so there are no loose ends. Just like in a film you watch, if the protagonist runs into a creepy little salesman near the beginning of the film, you can be sure that character will come back to play some kind of important role in the story. Same thing here: make the reference to the sign signify something.

Also:
... say, "Why not?"

Undergraduate / Why Emory college? It is adventurous just like me. [5]

Pretty cool! It's the people who try things like that that become the best writers. If you want to do that little repetition to delight the reader's attention, you should end the first paragraph with a sentence that establishes the theme as "just like me." Don't just randomly repeat a certain phrase. Repeat it after establishing it as a theme.

I can't do it for you, but the hint is this: personification

Anyway, I am posting this a week later, so probably you already used it! But yeah, you are personifying it a little as you compare it to yourself. So.. do a big, clever personification in the intro.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Life is contain ups an downs. Some people get success in their life but some are unlucky [8]

Sorry for the offense, Alexandra. We are all foreign relative to everywhere except where we are from! I didn't mean to suggest that you were being offensive.

Also, like ajit88rai said, it can seem offensive, maybe or maybe not... but actually, I did not mean to say it is an unacceptable term at essayforum. Actually, the reason I mentioned it was that someone brought the same thing to my attention a few years ago. "Foreign" is not actually a bad word, and you are NOT ignorant. It's just that many people who are prejudiced against immigrants use the words foreign and foreigner... and because of them the word has certain connotations. But obviously it is not your fault! :-)


"Arnold has an odd take on what it means to have a good career." That sentence means that Arnold has a way of thinking about his career that is unusual compared to the way most people think about their careers.

So, Alexandra was saying that you use English in some unique ways because you don't have the same kinds of habits as people who grew up speaking English. The beautiful thing about 21st century English, though, is that it is being transformed by globalization. So, it is not "right" or "wrong" to use English in different ways. You are part of the excellent cultural mesh of the 21st century.

Undergraduate / "God wanted to do something greater with my life" [3]

Hi Irene and Emanuel, thanks for making this a great thread!
I think paragraphs should be used in this essay!! :-)

Consider possibly starting the second paragraph here:
At the same time if I don't move at all nothing will ...

... to grab onto God's hand and let him guide me through situations I can't figure on my own. Although I'm afraid of loosing losing a friend, I will gain a closer friendship with Jesus Christ in the end. --- depends on why you are ditching your friend. Jesus hung out with all the sinners, so it's hard to use Jesus to justify giving up on someone.

If God was just a man in a book, with no significance to me. ---This sentence is not complete.

I don't think I would be able to make fatal decisions for myself like I am at this moment. ---I don't think you are using the correct word. Fatal means you get killed.

One of my favorite verses in the bible Bible says, "Faith is the...

...onto God's unchanging hand without any...

Sounds like a plan! :-)

Undergraduate / Why michigan- Ross business school. [3]

Sorry I'm late! For what it's worth...
I don't think it is good to use "I have always..." as your approach. That is too common. It especially is too plain to be used as the first sentence.

As a businessman himself, my dad was predictably thrilled with my decision. --oh, good job with this sentence.

to apply my area of expertise for a useful purpose. ----Too vague... you can specify a little more, I think.

I also dream that in time to come I will plan on becoming qualified to volunteer as...

I don't think "I believe" is good, and I especially don't thing "I strongly believe" is good. Your essay is very powerfully written and enjoyable... but I just want to tell you about those overused things... I have always been interested in... I strongly believe... they are overused! :-)

Undergraduate / How to start a Letter of Appeal (so that it's not over dramatic)? [10]

If you google that question, you'll find good explanations on Answers.com and lots of other websites. If you search essayforum for the word appeal, you will find good examples and advice.

You should have a theme, some good concept that you are using to help explain your argument. That makes it memorable.

Let's see what you write! We can help you enhance it by letting you know how it seems to us from our objective points of view.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Graduate School in Bioarchaeology field in the UK [4]

...the importance of classification lies with determining patterns of social influences on race. ---social influences on race.. no, you can't say that! Unless I am missing something... maybe I am thinking about this the wrong way. I think you should use culture instead of social... and ... what, exactly, are you classifying?

Regardless of what you are classifying, it cannot influence race. Race stays the same. :-) I'm sorry, I don't completely understand what you are trying to express!

Undergraduate / "Undiscovered Equations" - An experience that had an impact. Common app. [4]

Nope. I just looked at them, and I they look like the kind of comments Kevin makes when he wants to try to offer a little insight... like trimming away extra words. They are not important!

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / About myself, academic objectives, goals, reasons to study in the USA [2]


Hi Suhaib, I just wanted to tell you this sentence gave me a cool experience. Good poetry always gives a cool experience. Use one and two instead of 1 and 2, though... it looks nicer and is more hypnotic! :-)

This is my lesson for you: Always do this one thing after you write an essay. Read what you have written, and find the unique lesson. There should be some unique concept or lesson that makes the essay worth writing. In this essay, you tell all about your interests and plans, but you should find a theme that is the unique lesson.

For example, the movie star wars has a theme about good always triumphing over evil. Your theme might be an idea that is important to you. What is the unique insight you would like to share, the insight that makes you want to live the kind of life you want to live? Try to write a perfect sentence that expresses your truth, and add that sentence to the first paragraph.

It is like giving your essay a vitamin. :-)

Undergraduate / "A service trip to Cambodia" - U OF MICHIGAN SHORT QN - Community [4]


Is that really the definition? Maybe there are multiple definitions. If you use the word definition in your essay, and claim to have a definition for something, make sure it actually is what some prominent dictionary says. Now you made me Curious! I am going to look it up... :-)

You raised a question at the end of the first paragraph: how to capture your true identity.
At the end of the last paragraph, you should maybe give an answer. Sorry, I did not help in time for the deadline! :-)

Graduate / My personal statement for Msc in management (LSE) [6]

In this situation, capitalize:
by a sentence: "Hey, it's not rocket science."----I also moved the period inside the quotes.

I like your approach! At the same time as you reflect on that phrase, you also show multicultural awareness, inquisitiveness, and... then here you show intelligence: ...have earned solid quantitative basis.---The reader will say, "Oh, we have a genius on our hands!"

But...have earned solid quantitative basis.---I think this can be improved. Do you mean to refer to a solid foundation in quantitative analysis? That might be a better way to say it. A "quantitative basis" would be like... a basis that is quantitative...

A great thing to do would be to show WHAT drives and motivates you. If the essay is all just about your superiority, it can seem boastful, but if it is about your effort toward superiority for the sake of contributing to some cause that is important to you, then it is just about perfect. Try to make it so that your dedication to excellence is a result of caring deeply about something.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ways to spend less money - essay [6]


Thanks Namia, you are great!

Okay Edward, now if you want to practice, you should type the essay the way Namia typed it. You can add some more sentences, too, and we will look to see where you still have errors. Do you have any questions so far?

...that you are doing good well at home.You wrote a letter last week mentioning about the increased price of goods and the falling value of the ringgit. I was fortunate enough to attend "Save your Ringgit Ses sion" run by the State Consumer Department yesterday.

:-)

Letters / A letter to the embassy (the compulsory military service in the country) [2]

Ah, great edit, Joseph. I like the way you fixed that first sentence. Pippen, do you see your mistake? Maybe you wrote as if you were INFORMING, but you are really thinking of INQUIRING. But the way Joseph fixed it is probably even better.

You should type it again and correct thos errors. Type it according to what Joseph said! :-) And I caught one more:
As for every XXX citizen, compulsory military service is responsible the responsibility of all male citizens.
or
For every male XXX citizen, compulsory military service is a responsibility.
or
All male citizens of XXX are responsible for completing their compulsory military service.

Undergraduate / "First Tee" Essay, Replay, Relax, Ready, and Redo (Community) [3]

Wow, I think the weakest part of the essay is that motto... "men and women with and for others,"---It should probably have its first word capitalized, but that is not why I don't like it. It is... sort of meaningless. Why specify men and women as though there is some other gender from which we are distinguishing men and women? What is 'with and for others' if not an overly fancy way to say something simple? I understand the notion of "service" and "commitment to the common good," but.. I don't get the significance of that fancy preposition footwork, with and for...

But I know you did not write that motto, so I don't blame you for it! You write very well...

A couple places you can cut words: At the same time, I arranged several golf fundraisers to raise money to support the cause of the First Tee program.

contribute back to my school...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Dear Mom" - about someone who has influenced my life greatly [6]

weekend.", or "Eat your food
Just use the comma, no period. And you need another comma---> ...weekend," or, "Eat your food...

Excellent paragraph topic sentences, excellent conclusion... this is really good. If I had to criticize it, I would say it is maybe too simplistic. You deal with simple stuff like motivating the child, being a good listener for the child, making the child do homework... I think you can tackle some of the deeper processes... some of the things that are harder to write about. You are a great writer, able to handle abstract concepts.

Also, I am taking that address off the Internet! :-) Just in case of weirdos...

Scholarship / "Physics: the understanding of mankind through research" - BYU - career goals [2]

Capitalization, comma:
As Albert Einstein once said, "Science without...

Okay, you mentioned an interesting question that gets a lot of attention in literature about quantum physics... but if you raise that question, you should show a little bit of understanding or at least familiarity with the people who did the research. Go a little further to explore the concepts you mention; that is not something you have to wait for college for. Show that you are proactive about researching what interests you.

Also.. why use all one paragraph? Consider breaking it up into a few paragraphs to help the reader organize her thinking about it. :-)

Writing Feedback / Living style, foods, jobs, relations: changes required by our life [4]


Oh, it's so confusing! I cannot easily explain it. I'll write some sentences to help you. These sentences are all correct:
Change is what we can all expect.
When years go by, I fear change because it might make things worse.
(Above, change is a noun with no "the")
I got out of the house for a while, and the change of scenery made me feel better.
My company started a new department, and the change was difficult for everyone.
(Above, it is still a noun, but we use "the" because we are referring to one specific change.)

In your essay, you referred to CHANGE in general... you referred to all change, not one particular change. If you refer to one particular change, use "the."

About "life": It is just like change. You can talk about LIFE in general, or you can talk about one particular life.
Change is necessary in life.
Change is necessary in our lives.
Change is necessary in my life.
Change is necessary in your life.
Life is good.
His life is not good.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Sisterhood of Literary genesis..." - my Amherst supplement essay response [7]

I can really feel the staccato rhythm you get with the syllables you've chosen. They convey the frozen nervousness of stage fright!


I wanted to say I like this part a lot, but paradoxically, I want to also say it seems like "evidently" is forced, contrived, chosen just to rhyme and not because evidentaly really fits the meaning of the sentence. And I included the "clock walked" part because I wanted to tell you that is the most awesome line of poetry I have ever seen! Very, very cool...


This part needs to be developed more... I mean... to explain the comparison to lions and tigers... what is the meaning of the analogy?

Anyway, you are great! :-)

Undergraduate / Ryerson Journalism Admission Essay- "The Loss of Writing" [2]

At the end of that first paragraph, before the word journalism, I think you should change the dash to a colon.

Capitalized the word Internet.

You should look at all paragraphs in this essay and ask yourself what the main theme is. To have journalism be the main theme is too simplistic. How about adding detail like this:

Now, technology is reaching another frontier in a formerly unthinkable way: Journalism is becoming ___________________. (make a concise statement about the meaning you are trying to express. Then, end the paragraph. )

And one more idea:
Man cannot be robbed of his pen any more than he cannot be robbed of his soul.

Writing Feedback / "What is Happiness?" - A short essay about Hapiness [4]

And you should take the word back out of the first sentence. Also, in the second sentence, if you say people reach and achieve I think it is redundant.

I like the end of that first paragraph. When you refer to the term "happiness," I think you should put it inside quotation marks.

The end of the last paragraph you use exactly the same words that you used at the end of the first paragraph. I think you should just change them a little bit and give the same idea in a different way.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'People's jealousy, greed, and supremacy' - People always want something more? [5]

I think it is cool that your first to sentence is rhyme with each other.

Hereby is a word that is not often used, and I think you should probably avoid it.

In conclusion as far as I am concerned, people are never satisfied with what they have. If t hey do not have some objects they can be easily obsessed with the idea of acquire them, or they want different things which they cannot have. -- I made a couple corrections to the sentence, but it still is a little bit unclear. I think you should revise it and strive to simplify it. However, your essay has good structure, and its main idea is very clear.

Writing Feedback / Why go to university? (gaining and gathering knowledge) [4]

After graduating from a high school, many students prefer to continue their study at college or university because of many reasons; they consider university as a useful place to gain experience, a place to discover new cultures, and an area to involve their knowledge.(Right here, it would be good to add a sentence that expresses the theme of the whole essay. The theme is like the main idea of the essay.)

I like this sentence:
To sum up, the university plays an important role and it is very helpful in constructing student's personality.

It is importa nt because it prepares students for being responsible, ...

Great job!

Undergraduate / the ancient kazakh tribes "Zhalayir" - Michigan University,short essay [3]

The great tribe not only served as a founda tion for today's politics of Kazakhstan, but also left books such as "Tarikhi-Rashidi", "The Laws of Sev en" and information about the other tribes and nations.

Thanks, everyone, for making this a great thread.

I think this essay really is very impressive. The reader will be intrigued by the idea of an ancient tribe that used democratic principles.

:-) It definitely is a good way to answer the prompt.