Essays / General scholarship essay - what I should write in this? [2]

First ask yourself why you deserve this scholarship. You could begin with talking about your interest in the field and how passionately you intend to pursue your studies. Talk about your future goals (both short and long-term goals) Then you can tell them about your constraints such as financial difficulties. Then also tell them how well you have performed in the past, your achievements etc. for them to understand that you are deserving case.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 :World population figures and urban population in different world region. ) [4]


...Line chart below shows
I like if you improve clarity of this introduction more.


... "Generally" does not contribute anything to your idea. This for them to assess your report writing skills and therefore be very concise and clear in your writing. Do not lengthen your sentences with words that do not contribute anything to your idea.

Scholarship / Sky is the limit; Motivation letter [3]

Even though I have no background in Social Work, but I have proven that with passion and motivation, sky is the limit.


Well... may be you are a star class student. But this piece of writing sounds as if you are boaster. I wish you tone it down a bit and let them judge you through your achievements that you are a very bright students. At the same time I agree that you should sound a confident person, but try to reduce the effect of what you've already done above.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 travel alone or with friends? [10]


Nowadays, tourism has become more popular than in the past.

This goes out of topic. You should talk about this - Tour with groups or alone? Which is better?
Concentrate on the main objective of your topic and align your writing with that. Pahan - can you please help him with a sample intro? Thanks in advance :D

Speeches / IELTS Speaking Part2 Script : Questionnaire Experience [3]

Well, I think writing your answers for speaking task may not be the best way to practice for them. You need to manage your speaking within the little time they allocate for you to do that. Writing and reading are very different tasks because in writing you've got a little more time for corrections. But in speaking you've got to do it then and there and then it's done. My advice for speaking tasks is to follow a structure that helps you come up with sentences fast. For this task I would suggest ;

1. Introduction - One of the most important questionnaire I answered was the one that was given to me to evaluate my degree program
2. Body - The main reason why it was so important is because it was a compulsory requirement for?????????
3. Conclusion - I think it was a good attempt by the university to keep upgrading their quality.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] is following the customs of the new country better? [2]


.... Good hook!


.... this is not very clear....
One's origin is important for him or her because it has contributed a lot for that person's identity.


...."will become" - pay attention to this grammar fix!
In the same way, this person needs to adapt to the new environment fast because it would be the place that he or she would spend the rest of his/her life.

Scholarship / My interest in Management; Motivation letter/Scholarship [2]


My interests lie in the field of management and I hope to pursue this degree program in view of achieving my long-term career goals.


After obtaining my undergraduate degree in business administration from the Islamic University in Gaza, in 2001, I gained work experience in different capacities.


... what skills?.... you better specify!

Writing Feedback / Why or why not should high schools require hours of community work? GOVERNORS SCHOOL [6]

Did you post only a part of your essay or is this the full essay?
If this is the full essay, then where is the introduction that introduces your topic to the reader?


... very good sentence.


Some parents and students may argue that forcing a student to engage in voluntary work would not meet the desired outcome of making students socially responsible.

Writing Feedback / The given chart compares the amount of sales taking different products: games software, DVD and CDs [6]

Overall, a very good structure. Your introduction and overview parts have come off very nicely.

... I wish you adopt a more formal tone here in this task. This task aims at assessing your report writing skills and therefore you should have adopt a more reporting tone. Clarity is important to give an account on graphical interpretation, but everything should be said very concisely.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Residents of Germany have allocated less money amongst the four European countries [5]


This needs improvement in its presentation;
The chart illustrates the spending by four European nations; British, French, Italian and German, in pound sterling on six different types of consumer goods, namely photographic film, toys, CDs , perfumes, tennis rackets and personal stereos.

Graduate / Artwork is My Healing Process - SOP for MA in Art Therapy [3]

I find this is very well written. I believe admission officers would be able to understand your character, passion, aspirations etc. through this piece of writing. I only wish if you talked a bit more on how this specific program is going to help you achieving your goals. Talk about its specific features that align well with your aspirations.

Overall, I think you've done a great job. Good luck with your application!

Graduate / I want to be a FAMILY NURSE; Family Nurse Practitioner school [3]


I feel you should remove these two lines from this position and add them later as you go on. In my view, they are disturbing your flow if you have them here. Go to this line straight;



I intend to have my focus mainly on unprivileged people for whom the healthcare, preventative education, and follow up care are so desperately needed

Writing Feedback / Cities that you want to visit - London, Rome, Paris, New York, Los Angeles, & Washington [6]

Travelling is one of the most popular hobby among young people too.

The Houses of Parliament with its famous Big Ben are the most visited sights by tourists.


London gardens and parks are amazing, they are called the lungs of London city that keep the city live and inspiring.
Good writing, what is the purpose of this essay?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL' Library or Sport , Which one do you think more important ? [3]


Then it is better you include "TOEFL" in your title (which I did for you for this essay) so that others would provide you with more task related meaningful feedbacks :)


You have achieved a remarkable improvement here compared to your previous essay. You've now understood structure very well :D
This introduction is very good, but the only issue I find there is that it doesn't introduce the background of your issue properly. You do not talk about "sports" which too is an important element in your topic until you express your opinion. This is my suggestion;

The books are a window to the world. Although we can live without the books , we would have a better live if we read the books. Sports too play a vital role in keeping people healthy and fit. However, I believe it is the library and not the sports facilities that is more useful for one's life .

Scholarship / " The Grassroot Project"; Global Health Corps Fellowship essays [6]


It's better if you could elaborate a bit more on what those measurable outcomes are. Then tell them how this program would help you achieve that knowledge or exposure to fine tune your approach.


Give an idea about what kind of dimension it would add.... It's important that you give more detailed explanation as to how it's going to help you with your goals.

Writing Feedback / My View on Poverty in my Country [2]


I feel you should combine these two paras. It seems you have too many small paras in this essay.

.... put them all together. Start a new para only when you start a different idea. Otherwise the reader would find it a bit distracting and would not be able to pay attention to what you want to emphasize more.

Good writing. What is the purpose of writing this?

Writing Feedback / (IELTS TASK 2) closing offices to save energy [7]


.... Well, for me this sentence is not so interesting. Gas and electricity are the main sources of power available for us and I don't understand why you said they are useful :(


You should not narrow down the scope of your title by referring to a condition in Indonesia. Your title is a general one that applies to every company in the world and you should introduce the topic to the reader in the introduction without changing its original sense.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Process of Making Chewing Gum [11]


..."diagram" is a more appropriate term for this case.
The diagrams present the production process of chewing gum .


This should have been shifted to a new para ( I have suggested you an approach for this task and I think this line fits better with "overview" part)


this shape is strained

Undergraduate / How you learned about Santa Clara University? SCU WRITING PROMPT #1 [3]

It wasn't until a reunion lunch with a few old family friends of my junior year whenthat I had finally put he pieces together.


I think this is a very good idea. It would also convince them that you've done enough research on Santa Clara. :)

Undergraduate / Fight for good education - Common App Essay - (Background) [5]


Throughout my life, I watched my parents exercising tolerance for sentiments and beliefs of other communities.


They didn't want to baptize me in either church because they believed that I am the best person to decide which faith I should embrace.


....
Although my parents are smart people, they never stood a chance to prosper in life.

Undergraduate / Background story - Coming to America [3]


My mom told me the person who was supposed to pick us from the airport would be late by a few hours as he had got stuck in the trafic.


When she asked what size, I didn't know the word "Medium", so I expressed the bottle size with my hands. That was the first time I spoke English.


I feel this section is a bit too detailed. You can remove some of its parts that do not contribute much.

Undergraduate / I slacked off in school; UIUC- interest or experience [3]


Everyone treated me as an outsider and I felt unwelcome and lonely, which was a new experience for me.


As a result, both my interest in studies and grades began to decline and this situation continued until my tenth grade.


However, my tenth midyear report got me to ponder the reasons why I was not up to the mark. Then I remembered what my parents said when I was young.

Writing Feedback / Providing financial support for elders is the responsibility of governments or not? [3]

First, this essay should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum and hope you'll follow these instruction when opening your future threads. Also, it is better to mention the purpose (IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title itself so that others can provide you more task related comments.

You write well. However, I feel that you can further improve the structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The graph shows the average GDP growth [4]

Well, I think you follow the most appropriate structure which is the Introduction, Over view and Details. Your sentences, vocabulary, grammar, all that sound perfect and I think you've done a good job with this title. If you handled time effectively for this task, then you are ready to take up this task and can concentrate more on other tasks :)

Undergraduate / Cornell REU Summer Program-Educational background,Goals,Computer skills,Scientific interet [2]


I remember how I dreamed of becoming a NASA scientist one day as a little kid.


However, as I grew things started to change and instead of gaining confidence in myself I develOped a fear about failure. Like many other teenagers, I lost my direction and became uninterested in studies.


However, when I was in the junior year of high school, I regained my love for learning once again thanks to one of my teachers.

Writing Feedback / 'when the world was created, music was born'; Traditional vs International music [5]

I understand you are new to the forum and here are some instructions for you to follow in your future threads. You should have a more meaningful title in the subject field when you open a new thread. Also, you should have opened this essay in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this type of essays. (These things have been already attended by us for this thread). It is always good if you include the purpose (in this case I guess it is IETLS) in the title itself so that others can provide you with more task related comments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: Best farming methodolgy : Current modern or traditional [6]

Well, you don't have to be so proficient in English to become a contributor. Go to EF Contributor page and refer - " You DO Have Something to Contribute". Also, I feel your English is pretty good and you do not have to really worry about this task too :)

Once you finish IELTS, drop us a message expressing your willingness to become a contributor.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: Best farming methodolgy : Current modern or traditional [6]

Your introduction is very good. I only have a little issue with the last sentence;


This is your prompt;


It says some people view these new methods are dangerous. However, your view is more specific on dangerous innovations. There is a difference between what you say and what your prompt tells. I think you should have aligned your view more with the prompt.

This is very good, as always :) I wish you become a contributor to this program if you have free time. It is good to help others with your skills and experience. Let me know if you are interested :)

Undergraduate / "What is your personal definition of Diversity?" Popcorn, People [4]

I hope this Definition of Diversity would help you ease your writer's block ; :D
"The concept of diversity encompasses acceptance and respect. It means understanding that each individual is unique,
and recognizing our individual differences. These can be along the dimensions of race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, socio-economic status, age, physical abilities, religious beliefs, political beliefs, or other ideologies. It is the exploration of these differences in a safe, positive, and nurturing environment. It is about understanding each other and moving beyond

simple tolerance to embracing and celebrating the rich dimensions of diversity contained within each individual".

Undergraduate / Why Rhodes? OPPORTUNITIES it offers! [2]

This is very well written. I wish you included the following point too ;
What are your future goals and how these features of Rhodes would help you achieve them.
Anyways, this is a good answer and I think you've done a good job. Wish you good luck with your application!

Graduate / "Never relent on your last accomplishment" ; MSc Computer Science-SOP [5]

Sorry about the delay :)
The statement of purpose should portray you as (1) passionately interested in the field ;(2) intelligent; (3) well-prepared academically and personally; (4) able to take on the challenges of grad school; (5) able to have rapport with professors and fellow grad students ; (6) able to finish the graduate degree in a timely fashion; and (7) a potentially outstanding representative of that grad school in your future career.

The SOP should not be a list of your credentials or qualifications. It should help the admission guys know you as a person. Your SOP contains some of the features that it should, but I think you need to polish it a bit further.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: the advantages and disadvantages living in a small village [4]

You tend to narrow down the scope of your topic. It does not talk about the villages who are paddy cultivators. They can be fishing villages or any other community. So, do not have examples when you give reasons. In other words keep your reasons more open and general.

Actual reason for villages to have close interaction with each other is that village is fairly smaller in size compared to towns. So the people live in villages get more opportunity to interact with each other.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]

Well, this is the structure I recommend for you for this task;
1. Introduce the graph (


- this is fine for your introduction)
2. Give an overview (present the major trends very briefly)
3. Give the detail (discuss trends in detail with the support of statistics and data)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - wealth countries achieved over 4.0% in 60s and declined sharply under 3.0 percent in 1970 [5]

Yes, you should upload the chart for us to see and get some idea as to what it presents. You can do it by clicking on Attach file(s) in the message block and then selecting your file.

This is the structure I recommend for this task;
1. Introduction (the first line of your essay is good enough for this prupose)
2. Overview - You need to mention the major trends very briefly here.
3. Details - Now you can start discussing further details with statistical support.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Best way to improve public health. [2]

There is no doubt about your writing skills. You display excellent writing skills :) However, IELTS tasks have major bearing on time as well as the structure that helps you earn a good score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 General: Job application for a waiter position [9]


Wish if you combine the two lines as the first one is a bit too short and abrupt;
I am Arun (have your family name as well because this letter should sound a bit formal) and the purpose of my writing to you is to seek an opportunity for an evening part-time job at our hotel as a waiter.



customers' (many customers)
customer's ( one customer)

Writing Feedback / IELTS>criminal trials in law court are telecasted on Television for public [5]


I wish your hook had been more meaningful and interesting :(


Broadcasting and telecasting are two different things. Broadcasting is connected with radio stations and it means the same as wire radio programs. However, telecasting is something to do with television. As Pahan also mentions above, try and keep a good alignment between your writing and your prompt.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] learning about life by other experience or your own experience? [3]

This is exactly what others are doing here by giving their comments. It is our pleasure to help you get a better score at the exam :)

Let's take a look at your intro once again;

It seems you are attempting to follow the structure we suggest you. However, your sentences tend to confuse the reader as they are not at all clear. Do not construct complicated sentences. Write short and clear statements limiting one idea per sentence. Clarity comes above anything else. Once you get a hang of this task, you can start writing more complicated sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The brief summary of healthcare and life expectancy [3]

Yes, Pahan has given you good advice. This is the structure we suggest you to follw;
1. Introduction (one or two lines that introduce the graphs briefly)
2. Overview (briefly talk about the most obvious trends)
3. Details (talk about trends in details with the support of data or statistics)


This sounds too personal. You need to be more formal with your sentences because this is about report writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: farming methods [7]

Have one reason per body paragraph.