Writing Feedback / The programs as a charity or helping neighbourhood have a lot of advantages for students [5]

Hi Diqon, I'll be going part by part in your essay once again. Here we go:

-These days, there are many high school programs for students that aim to teach them about mutual cooperation in society. Some of these unpaid community programs include charity work and neighborhood assistance programs. While others believe that such programs should be unpaid and voluntary, there are those who believe it should be compulsory for high school students. I believe that there are advantages to unpaid community service for high school students.


- Change your argument. This paragraph does not make any sense. Keep in mind that the community service is always an after school activity and therefore, does not interfere with school work. You need to rethink what it is you want to say in terms of the negative effects of unpaid community service. An example of the negative effect could be resentment on the part of the youth since the program is compulsory instead of voluntary. They may not like it when they are forced to do something after school that they do not want to do.


- A better argument for this would be to redirect the conversation towards the character building benefits of unpaid, compulsory community service. Explain how the youth can benefit from this activity because it can keep them out of harms way in the form of gangs and other publicly known "negative" after school activities.


- ... the charity and neighborhood programs could be a source of pride for the compulsory, unpaid high school students because they learn social skills and lessons that are not taught in the classroom as proven by my previous discussions. Such an activity can lead these youth towards a brighter future.

Your thoughts really impress me. You really understand the essay prompts. I hope that I can help guide you towards improving your English grammar over time. I believe that your grammar is showing small signs of improvement with every essay. Keep practicing and don't give up :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Clothes are the most important indication of your identity [6]

A few comments about the essay. Avoiding commentaries about the improper English grammar at the moment, I would like to focus on the ideas that you presented. While the essay presents some sound ideas, there is a problem with the presentation and format. While you present a pretty good opinion in your introduction. You were not able to fully discuss the 3 aspects of this essay which are:

1. It is correct to support the argument that clothes are an important indication of identity.
2. There is a valid reason for people to believe that clothes do not really indicate an important identity.
3. Your point of view that the identity is best assumed by the clothes one wears to specific events / situations.


- When you mention something specific such as "there was a research", you need to mention the title of the research and other supporting data. Otherwise your argument becomes invalid due to lack of supporting evidence. My advice is this: avoid mentioning any research when writing an essay. Instead, use common knowledge or personal experience to defend or oppose a stand. Such discussions are much more acceptable and easier to defend as it carries a more authoritative stance with the reader.


- Good effort at mentioning a source. The problem, is that you did not give the title of the article or the year of publication. Again, it is best not to mention any specifics.Mark Zuckerberg is a well known public figure and is publicly known as one of the richest men in the world. There is no need to cite a source for common knowledge information.


- Again, there is a lack of supporting information. This sounds like information you have from a personal experience. You can't state such information in general terms. the Zuckerberg explanation would have been more than enough to support your stand.

I suggest that you follow the following format when writing your essay so that you can always fully develop your ideas and stand on certain issues:

1. Use only one opposing stand. Make it a very strong reason that you can argue against.
2. Use only one supporting stand. The facts behind this stand must be able to successfully counter the opposing stand.
3. Discuss your point of view in detail. Connect it with either the opposing or supporting stand.
4. Conclude your essay.

The conclusion is acceptable and does not deviate too much from the prompt. No new ideas were presented in the conclusion which tells me that you learned from your mistakes in your previous essay. That is very good to see. As for the grammar, your ideas are good but not presented in the best grammatical manner. That is something that you will develop over time provided you continue to practice writing essays.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Unfortunately I can't give you my email address because doing so is against the forum rules. Don't be afraid to post your essay here. I've been participating at this forum long enough to know that the essays here are not plagiarized because the people that run the forum make an effort and take great pains to protect all of the essays posted here for advice.

If it makes you feel any better though, you can post your essay here in parts for our review. That way nobody can copy your ideas or plagiarize your paper. Once you have finalized the paper, you can contact the forum admin regarding the process you have to undergo in order to delete your thread. Once you delete the thread, your essay disappears from our system. This totally eliminates any danger of copyright infringement or plagiarism of your paper.

I understand how you can feel anxious and unsure about posting your essay here. I would give you my email address if I could. The best approach I can offer you is to have your essay edited in parts in this thread. Perfect the first part or first 2 parts and then post the latter part for editing. That way it will become hard for anyone to copy your paper.

You can trust me on this. I once helped a student here revise his personal statement about 24 times. Nobody even tried to copy his essay. The moderators of this forum always do their best to protect your essays as best as they can. I'm willing to help you if you are willing to take a chance by posting your essay here. I'll help you review, revise, and edit it in any way that you post it.

Graduate / Required essay of the application to Washington University in St. Louis---choosing my career path [4]

You have the right idea. Don't forget to that information into your response for the first prompt. Basically, You can write the response as one paragraph with the first two sentences answering the first prompt and then use the succeeding sentences to set up your plans for your stay at Olin. Try to talk about your academic and social plans within 500 words. You should also aim for a more casual tone in your writing since this is not supposed to sound too formal if you will be presenting it to your classmates on the first day of school. Use a tone of openness.

For the academic plan, inform your classmates about your academic background and the economists who have influenced your way of thinking. Describe how you view the current status of the Chinese economy in relation to its rising profile on the world stage. Then explain how you hope the lessons you learn at the university will be able to help you gain further knowledge that you can use to create an even more stable world economy starting with the Chinese financial system. Highlight that you would are looking forward to an exchange of intellectual interests with the class.

After the academic introduction, you can then tell your classmates about your piano hobby. Try to add another hobby into the mix so that your classmates will come to know you as a person with diverse interests and hobbies. It will be very beneficial to you to introduce yourself as a person who has a particular interest in an exchange of culture and traditions. Remember to let them know that you are open to participating in all student activities both on campus and off-campus. It can help you make friends from your circle of classmates.

Good luck with revising the essay. I hope to read the new version when you feel it is ready for review. We will be here to help you :-)

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Ok. Why don't you just try to imagine what you life will be like when you are 26? Try this. Outline a detailed career plan for yourself. Imagine yourself being that CEO at the age of 26. What kind of road did you have to travel to achieve that position? Where are you working? What big projects did you successfully accomplish for the company? Try to think of the ways that your career will have taken off and unstoppable at that point.

After you outline your career plans, try to think of something big that can happen on that date. Maybe the company you are working for will recognize your achievements and give you a lifetime achievement award. Maybe they will be offering you a board of director position on that date. Maybe you will have to make a career or life altering decision on that date. Try to think of something big that you want to have happen on that date and build an essay around it. That is how you start or draft an essay of this type.

Like I said earlier, you can write about anything at this point. The important thing for you to do right now is to actually write something. Nobody cares what you write about as long as you get started on the process. I know it isn't easy. There is no perfect topic for the essay. There is only a topic. So choose a topic and try to build an essay story around it. It can be anything from a paragraph to 3 sentences. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you post something here that we can look at and say, "Okay, now that we have this start, this is how you can direct the essay." At this point, we do not have anything to work with. You need to come up with the topic of your essay. We will be able to assist you from there.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

This date in particular has to always be about something big, eventful, even historical in nature for you. So you can talk about anything you want without fear of judgement. What the reviewer needs to know is that you have an actual ambition or game plan for your future. Whether it be professional or social in nature does not really matter. This type of essay does not have a right or wrong response. It just has a response.

So if you want to talk about traveling and meeting other people then go for it. You can discuss something along the lines of meeting people and setting up a foundation to help support a particular cause in a specific country because of certain reasons. Remember the event can be fictional in nature because nobody really knows who or what we will be on that date. So you can feel free to get wild and crazy with what you see happening to you on that date. Let your imagination soar.

Why don't you try to write something related to your interest in culture and travel? Just make it a draft that you can post here for further review and advice. That way I'll be able to offer more specific details regarding how you can outline and develop the essay. At this point, I can throw all sorts of ideas at you but it you do not have any interest in it, then I won't be able to help you so much. I'll be waiting for your draft alright? We're here to help.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Definitely let them know what your future plans are. Since you know what you hope to be in the future, I can suggest some approaches for the essay that might be able to help you.

1. You can write it as a reflective essay. For example, you can pretend you are sitting in the back of your limo, having been picked up for your first day of work. The day is April 29, 2025 and you are going to reflect on your past achievements that have led to this very day. You can close the essay by entering your office and being greeted with a sign on your door that has your name and the letters CEO underneath it. End the story.

2. The date can be the day of your retirement from your job as a CEO. Again it is a reflective essay. As you go about your final day in the office, you can reflect upon how you have changed the business world for the better. Noting your lifetime of achievements if any. Then close the essay by closing the door one final time in your office.

3. You can opt to make the date something about a big achievement in your career as a CEO. Perhaps the launch of a product that will totally change the market landscape. All of which came from your ideas. Hence the product is your brain child (think Steve Jobs and the Iphone). The date becomes memorable because of the historical event.

So far, I can only think of 3 approaches to the essay. I hope that you can use one of them. Work on a draft. I'll help you fix and polish the work if you wish :-) Good luck!

Graduate / Required essay of the application to Washington University in St. Louis---choosing my career path [4]

Shiyun, there is a continuity problem within your essay. It is very disjointed and erratic to follow as an introductory story. You need to develop certain portions of the essay and delete some portions in order to create a more interesting and truly informative introduction essay. Let's start at the beginning.

When you answer the first prompt in two sentences, try to integrate it into your introduction. Don't leave it hanging as a stand alone part of the essay. It would really be more interesting to read such a flawless integration of your career plans in relation to your public introduction. You can still keep it at 2 sentences, you just need to make it feel like a part of the essay in order to make the essay feel more fluid when the reviewer reads it.

You don't have to go all the way back to elementary school in order to introduce yourself. Jump forward to the reasons why you were inspired to pursue studies in accounting and customer analysis instead. Stories from such a young age will only serve to drag your introduction down since it is in no way connected to your current course and career plans. The tendency will be to bore your classmates with irrelevant information. The most interesting part of your essay as I see it is the following portion:


This is the portion that I believe you need to open your introduction with. Doing so will immediately gain the interest of the listener / your classmates and also inform them about your plans after graduation at the same time (with the proper paragraph development). I would continue to discuss the influences I had in the field of finance both from China and the U.S. and segue that talk into the conclusion as to why I chose to come to the United States to study.

I realize that this is still an essay draft on your part and it has room for improvement. I suggest that you work on developing the story of the essay for now. Don't worry about the grammar corrections that need to be done at this point. It is useless to address those issues if the essay is not ready for finalization yet. Good luck!

Scholarship / A statement for Melbourne Abroad Travel Scholarships [3]

It is getting better Ahmad. You were able to integrate the relationship between yourself, the university, and the conference towards the end of the essay. The thing is, the way you did is too generalized in terms of the benefits that the conference can provide you and the university as a single unit. There is a chance for you to build this portion up at the start of your essay. It is imperative that you so this so that you can strengthen the chance of your application.

Consider that you have already mentioned that you have been doing the research in this field since 2007. Inform the reviewer that you continued to pursue this research as a graduate student at your current university. Then explain how you feel that your research still has room for growth and that you feel that by attending this conference, you will be able to achieve that result. Follow it up with your ideas regarding the potential exposure of the university in an international event (as represented by you) and how you will promote the achievements of the university alongside your personal achievements in this field.

The key to earning a scholarship is presenting a strong case in support of your endeavor. In this case, explain how the conference ties in with your research at this point and where the research can go from there. Expound on the fact that you could even work as a go between for the university with the prominent scientists at the conference whom you hope to entice into gaining an interest in your research and in the process, partnering your university with that person.

It may help to mention names of specific scientists whom you are targeting to meet at the conference. Explain how this will be the chance of a lifetime for you to meet this person or these persons who can help you and the university gain prominence in this particular field. Always play up the fact that you will be nothing without the support of the university and that their support of your quest is something that is sure to benefit the image of the university in the long run.

Your essay is improving. I am pointing out the areas that still require improvement. I hope it helps :-) You have time to make this perfect so don't fret. We are here to help you out :-)

Essays / Ideas for comparison- contrast essay [13]

Hi Isabella, it is a bit difficult to discuss your topic in a compare and contrast manner because there are no similarities between the two topics. You will have to come up with a pretty solid connection between the topics in order to make it work. The idea is to center the essay on lessening the need for a physical library because e-learning is the trend of the future. I'll try to help you by giving you a few ideas that might work for a compare / contrast essay.

1. Introduce the topic as something very relevant to the issue of the dwindling need or interest of children to have an onsite school library. Explain how your point of view is that the school will be able to save money while increasing the learning value of students if they would purchase more computers instead of buying new books for the library.

2. For the comparison part, you can discuss how almost all relevant academic books are now in in e-book format which are much cheaper to purchase and accessible to more students when compared to library books.

3.Contrast how expanding the library books would cost the more than would be spent for the purchase of new computers. Discuss the cost of a book print at X amount, with at least 2 of the same book purchased for the library as opposed to the single purchase of one e-book for multiple person access in the library.

4. Compare the reaction of students to learning from books in a physical library as opposed to accessing books from the school online library from their laptops anywhere they are.

After these 3 comparisons, you can then conclude your essay to wrap up your point of view. Good luck with your essay. I hope i was able to help somehow.

Undergraduate / Makeup is my weak spot- Common App Essay [8]

Hi Fatima :-) Well then, now that I know what the prompt you are trying to respond to is, it will be easier for me to share what I hope will be relevant and helpful advice with you regarding your essay. I agree that the essay should carry your natural voice, but it should still remain formal in nature because you are not talking to a personal friend or your parents. You are talking to someone who is just getting to know you and will be creating an impression of you based upon your tone of writing. So try to find a balance between your casual and formal voice. Just to show the reviewer that you know how to respect boundaries while still being open about your personality. Remember, first impressions matter. In this case, 'first reads matter'. So we need to be very careful about how your statements come across on the written page.


One of the ideas that I have to address this situation is to revise your introductory paragraph. You open the essay with a total concentration on the "value" of the make up. Thus creating the image of a person who will spend any "reasonable" amount on make up. Somehow, you set up the paragraph to connect to money rather than your personality.This is a point of thought on your part that often comes up within the essay.

I would open the essay with a story about meeting friends for a movie date or something and being late. I would take the cue from this particular part of your essay:


That would make a perfect part of your new introduction if you have your friends say something like "Fatima, I wish you could be on time for our friendly outings in the same way you are on time for school." or something along those lines. What I am trying to do here is create the scenario that shows that there are two sides to your personality. The responsible, meticulous, and perfectionist student as opposed to the care-free, devil-may-care, make up loving girl who loves to girly up to the same degree that you like to succeed academically. I believe that will create an interesting description of your personality. Create the idea that you allow yourself to be somewhat of a free-spirit and messy in your personal life, but it does not carry over to your professional / academic life. That way you show a "balanced" personality. You know how to have fun both at work and at play.

I would avoid any references to the "financial" aspect of make-up and instead, concentrate on developing this portion instead as it relates to your 'split personality' :


Then perhaps you can insert a paragraph that shows how make up and your student side somehow have merged to create the interesting and unique person that you are. Of course these are mere suggestions on my part. Feel free to integrate any or all of it into your 12th draft :-)

Writing Feedback / The US always supported others who lost everything in natural disasters or to help build democracy [3]

Pooja, you need to balance the discussion that you have in your essay. When writing an opinion essay, it is always best to present both sides of the discussion. In order to accurately discuss this prompt, you need to present the pro and the con of the statement. That said, it would be best for you if you chose to discuss only one aspect of each side, in great detail if you wish, in the essay.

Right now, the essay just defends your stance without considering the other, often acceptable reasons for the opposing side. Think of the discussion in these terms at the moment. The Republicans believe that the U.S. needs to stop "leading from behind" which is something that happened because of the ineffective leadership of the current president. Now, considering all of the anarchy in the streets, the discord in politics, and the fact that China is willing to try and take on the United States as a powerful world leader, shows that the United States has become a nation of spectators in the sense that the American leaders see what is happening and yet seem powerless to stop the train-wreck from happening. Either because they can't or they don't want to. If they don't want to, the the argument that the US has become a country of spectators is sound and valid. It seems like the politicians have taken a back seat on the international stage because of the local infighting among politicos. On the other hand, the United States still continues to be on the front-lines of international issues when it can. The Iran deal, the return of Bergdahl, the 3 American heroes on the French train, all prove that the United States is not a country of spectators. Using these ideas, you can better evaluate the issue presented and create a strong argument.

Try to veer away from the PTA, teacher's illnesses, and the like in this discussion. Those are local matters that have no direct effect on the world leadership of America, which is what I believe this essay would like you to discuss. Has the United States become a spectator on a world stage? Or are the Americans still in a position of world leadership? Do they continue to lead by example? Those are the points that you should be presenting in your work.

Use one facet of each discussion for your essay in order to create a connection between the two sides and then present your own opinion on the matter, remember to support your stand with evidence, then conclude your essay. You said so yourself, "The US always supported others who lost everything in natural disasters or to help build democracy". So you very well know that the discussion is not one that should be done on a local level, but on an international scale. Discuss the issue accordingly.

Undergraduate / Makeup is my weak spot- Common App Essay [8]

Interesting tale Fatima. I can't believe you are on your eleventh draft already. The essay sounds very spontaneous and meticulously thought out. I am wondering though at to what common app prompt you are responding to. It would give me a better idea as to whether you are responding to the prompt or if we need to help you align the content in order to better respond to it. That aside, the essay is really entertaining and seems to be an inside look at who you are and what makes you tick. I found a few grammar issues that we need to edit though. It's listed below for you with correction and/or additions for better effect.


- ... at the glamorous pictures...


- ... my passion for makeup inthe seventh grade...


- to finishat the last minute


-... considered as is frivolous


This is an under developed thought. You need to build up this sentence as its own paragraph that explains why you view make up as your weakness. Is it because as an art form you use your face as the canvass and you can't seem to satisfactorily accomplish that? It can't be just all about the expense. It has to be something deeper than that. It must show a weakness in something that you did not used to consider a weakness in you. I believe that make up should be described as your weak spot (in terms of not being able to resist the urge to splurge) rather than a weakness (connotes something you cannot do).

Again, its a pretty good essay. I hope the small suggestions and corrections I made can help you.

Writing Feedback / Discuss time when your ETHNIC background (or ASPECT OF YOUR IDENTITY) SIGNIFICANTLY affected ur life [3]

Anais, the first thing I noticed about your essay is that you wasted a lot of the word count discussing things like the environment you live in ( description of the weather, road conditions, state identity, etc.) which only served as word fillers. You could have portrayed your immigrant background in a less wordy way which could have freed up the word count for more important aspects of the essay. Discussing the classroom environment did not really come across to me as something from your ethnic background or aspect of your identity that could have a significant effect upon your life because it is practically a common scenario in most schools these days. While I understand you feel these aspects of your background affect you negatively, it does not really tie in with the prompt requirements as I see it.

Essay prompts such as these require you to look back on your life for reflection. When did you Ethnic background really have a significant effect on your life? No, I am not talking about the whispers about how got into boarding school or the almost Simpson like attendance of your classmates in class. You need something stronger. An event that shows you are proud of your ethnicity and that you will never be ashamed or embarrassed by it regardless of the positive or negative effect on your life. The main reason being that being ethnic is not something that can ever affect you negatively.

Try to think of a time when you found yourself telling people "Being Mexican-American is something that can only benefit me because it makes me more special than you." That is the more effective theme for your essay in response to the prompt. Surely there have been times when you were told you were not good enough because of your ethnicity or because of your parent's background as immigrants. Delve on that topic. Discuss the issue that you had to overcome. Then you will have strongly responded to the requirements of the prompt. Remember, it has to be an event that had a significant effect on your life. Whatever that significant effect was is for you to choose and talk about.

Right now, the essay spends too much time discussing things that do not really seem to have had a significant impact on your life. You need to revise the essay in such a way that it pops up from other essay responses and leaves the reviewer remembering that event in your life. Otherwise, your essay just becomes 'one of those' applications in his mind.

Scholarship / Chevening scholarship - leadership and influencer question [3]

Hi Genceli. Listen, I know that you have to portray your potential as a future leader and influential person in your country when you apply for a Chevening Scholarship. As per the essay you wrote, you carry these leadership traits within you although you presented each aspect as a separate part of your development or personality. That method of presenting yourself makes the essay confusing to read for the reviewer. My opinion, is that you should use only one story to portray your leadership and influence development, that way your reader can better keep track of your story.

Please try to write a version of this essay that concentrates solely on your plight to open the language center in your area. By telling this story in its entirety and concentrating the essay just on this topic, you will be able to better highlight your leadership abilities. This story has it all, the vision, perseverance, and potential to influence future generations all rolled into one story that also shows how you respond to adversity and portrays your 'never accept defeat' attitude. Both of which are also important character traits in a leader.

One more reason why I would like you to consider just concentrating on one story for your essay is because your current written work is quite long. It tries to offer too much background information about you. I am sure there are still other essays where you can discuss the other accomplishments that you have had in life. Don't try to impress the reviewer by presenting it all at once. The tendency will be for the reviewer to instead forget most of what you wrote.

Writing a compelling essay is more important than offering up all of the information about your accomplishments in life. Choosing that one, turning point story to represent you can accomplish more in creating an excellent leadership persona for you with the scholarship reviewer than an extra long, complex collection of your life stories. Try to achieve your goal using only one story. The story that you feel will best highlight your leadership skills. In my opinion, this can be done by the language center story. If you have another idea for the story that can do that for you, I'd be glad to review it.

Scholarship / Performance Anxiety [Questbridge Additional Essay, Prompt #1] [4]

DJ, your essay is one that most certainly expresses a very deep seated anxiety on your part. It is not everyday that people can talk about their performance anxiety so openly. While the essay is quite effective, I believe that there are certain things that you can do to make it even more effective. One of the aspects that I would like to discuss with you is how you can better build up the performance anxiety angle in the essay. Since that is the central theme of your work, there needs to be more information about this aspect of your personality prior to your Speak the Word experience.

In the beginning of your essay you state that


I am not in agreement with this statement. There was nothing about your performance during the event that tells me you came to regret your actions that day. In fact, it is the other way around. This was a decision that you obviously did not regret making because it helped you become a better person. So maybe you should save this very strong statement for the end of your essay and you can say something like ' There are certain decisions that you don't regret until the very moment they come back to bite you. This was not one of those decisions."


I believe that you should present a foundation for this paragraph with an earlier paragraph first. A paragraph that details your performance anxiety at a previous event, what happened to you and why that previous experience with performance anxiety made you feel uneasy about joining the 'Speak the Word' event.

You certainly wrote a strong conclusion at the end of the essay. It was quite nice to read about how fighting back the fear in this particular instance helped you not only overcome a part of your fear, but also made you more open socially to other people.That is why I believe that the statement about decisions should be placed towards the end of your essay instead of at the start. I believe that if you develop a stronger introduction and a strong transition paragraph, the overall essay will only get better.

Letters / Writing a personal letter: write letter to your friend to talk your past experience [7]

Nguyen, I'd like to commend you for taking another shot at writing the letter. It is actually an improvement over your first version. However, it still needs a lot more work. Tell you what I'll do for you. I'll write a sample of this letter for you here. I want you to use it as an example or basis for writing your third version of the letter. I think the reason that you are getting lost regarding the content and focus of the letter while writing it is because you were not shown a sample before the writing exercise was given. So let me give you a sample for your reference now.

Dear Mien,

I heard that you were not able to come to my party yesterday because your parents grounded you for skipping school. I want to let you know that it is alright and I understand what happened to you. Let me let you in on a secret, I have also been grounded by my parents because I skipped school last year. I honestly thought that I could get away with it because my dad had dropped me off at school that day and he saw me go to the front door of the school. What he did not know was that my friends were waiting for me behind the bushes and I joined them as soon as my dad's car left. We spent the day playing video games at the mall then caught a movie before we all headed home. Little did I know that my teacher had called my parents when I did not show up for class that day.

When I got home that day, I did not know that my parents already knew that I had skipped school. So I pretended that I had been to school that day. I thought I was wiser than thy were. It was after dinner when my parents asked me to join them in the living room. When I joined them, I saw their serious faces and got a little worried. Then my father asked me to sit down and listen. He told me that my teacher had called my mother at home and my father at the office to look for me. Needless to say, they were very angry with me and did not accept my feeble explanation. They grounded me for a month and took away my gadgets so I could not talk to my "bad influence" friends.

Just like you, I was angry with my parents for what they did. Then, I realized that this was a lesson I had to learn. I needed to learn to be responsible, give value to my promises and words (most specially about going to school), and most of all, I learned that once my parents trust in me was destroyed, it was hard for me to win it back.

Eventually my parents forgave me for what I did and our relationship is fine again. I know that the same thing will happen to you and your parents soon. What I am trying to say is, don't be mad at them. They just want to teach us a lesson. I hope that like me, you learned the lesson they are trying to teach you too.

See you soon my friend,

-----

Now that you have a clear example of how to write the letter, maybe you will want to use it as a basis for your next version. Use my version as your guide. It should make writing the revised version much easier for you :-) Remember, your letter will be most effective if you can:

1. Make some personal contact with the reader.
2. Impart a lesson learned from the experience.
3. Encourage the person to follow your example in terms of repentance.

Those are the 3 points that you should make based upon the requirements of the experience that you want to talk about in your letter. The points will change or vary depending upon the kind of experience that you are sharing with your friend.

Writing Feedback / The pros and cons of working remotely [3]

Diep, I wish you had strengthened the introduction paragraph by representing your personal point of view on the matter. It often helps to strengthen the discussion when the writer clearly states that he will be supporting a specific side of an issue. In your introduction, you came across as not wanting to pick a side. I am not sure if it would be beneficial for you to represent yourself that way in a graded essay setting. Anyway, I have some grammatical suggestions for you below.


- ... Aside from the traditional way of going... it has advantages and disadvantages.


- Working from home...
- Don't open any sentence with "on one hand" when you have not previously stated any information that needs to transition into this particular paragraph.


- The correct term is "precious time".


- Employees can balance their time and accommodate other tasks...


- For those who have small babies, working from home helps them have ...


- ... workers have a job.
- This is one case when less words makes more of an impact since what you have to say is already self explanatory.


- ... no motivation to work.


- ... working from home cannot...


- people who work from home tend to not really...

You have written an essay that shows a complete English thought process. We just need to work on your sentence development and structure. This is an acceptable practice essay at the moment.

Writing Feedback / How having an offspring of different ages affects the parents' level of happiness? [3]

Hi Irfan. The report is acceptable and contains only a few grammar corrections. I am also rewording some of the sentences for clarity. I'll list them below for your reference.


- There is no need to use an apostrophe in this sentence as the word "parents" is the plural form that connotes ownership. Also, an apostrophe after the S is only acceptable when the word itself originally ends in an S.


- This sentence can be tightened to produce a more concise thought process by omitting the above words. Also, this sentence discusses a different topic from the continuing sentence and therefore should end with a period after the word children.


- This should be rewritten as follows: The percentage of elders who are dissatisfied with their children have virtually the same low score.


- Moving on to more detailed analysis, the most significant data indicates that the number of parents who have very young children resulted in 47% of them being happy. A difference of 10% from the percentage of people with teenage children.


-... who are unhappy with their childrenare almost stagnant... parent's happiness falls when their toddlers...

I hope my comments and suggestions help.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

You have the right idea. The essay can actually be set during any time of the day, any place of your choosing, and any event that you want to use. Let me try to give you a sample of the essay. If I were to write this essay, it would go something like this:

The date is April 29. 2025. The alarm clock beckons me to get out of bed at 5:00 AM. Normally I would grudgingly get out of bed at this time. After all, I work the mid-day shift at the local hospital. Today is a very special day though and I am excited to go back to the hospital even though I am not on call today. I take my shower and wake my husband and children, this is a special day for them too. I've never seen them so excited to be awake this early. My husband tells the children to hurry. He has promised the family as special breakfast at IHOP today.

My children have never gotten into their casual wear so fast. Maybe it is because they get to skip school today, or maybe they are excited for me too. Whatever the reason, they have never been this obedient or cooperative in the past. Before I know it, the kids are pulling me out of the house. I am barely able to lock the front door before my husband honks the horn for us to get moving. It is now 7:00 A.M. Breakfast seems to fly past us like a dream. We are off to the airport now where my parents are waiting to be picked up. We pile into the van and head to the hospital.

The hospital is dressed in its official colors of white and green. I assure my youngest child that he can take home some balloons after the event. We make our way to the auditorium. I leave my family in their special seats and I head backstage. The president of the hospital is there, smiling at me and congratulating me for a job well done. He tells me I have a bright future with the hospital. An aide approaches us and asks us to take our positions on stage. I sit in the middle together with the board of directors and chairman of the board of the hospital.

The president begins his speech. I can see my children starting to fidget in the middle of the speech. I signal for them to quiet down. My husband grabs our son before he can make a run for freedom. Then I hear the special words that were meant to mark this special day. " Her accomplishments as an oncologist have brought us the greatest honor possible. She has placed this hospital at the forefront of cancer treatment. No, not treatment. Allow me to let her tell you herself. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the woman who cured cancer, Dr. Fox".

I stand up and go to the podium to make my speech. Yes, April 29, 2025 will definitely be a day for the history books, and I will be a permanent part of it as well.

-----------------

Just is just a sample of how you can approach the essay. Feel free to write anything you want. I can work with you on cleaning it up if you would like to. Write a draft and see where it takes you :-) Good luck.

Writing Feedback / Foundation school - Learning a foreign language early vs a children capability [2]

Hi Diqon, let me try to help you out here. I will be reviewing your essay paragraph by paragraph and offering corrections and advice regarding grammar rules. I hope I can help you somehow.


- Learning a foreign language, specifically English, is a basic skill that all children need to develop... This essay will discuss some results regarding children who take English lessons... reasons why it should be given in secondary...

- ... for young learners English is an international language that everyone should know because it helps to increase the international knowledge of people since it is the predominant language in the world. Which is why it is used in world news programs such as CNN.

- You need to become more coherent in your thought process. Don't try to discuss 3 sentence topics in one paragraph. Give each thought or reason its own paragraph and do not rush in writing it. Read what you wrote and if what you said does not make sense to you, please, please revise what you wrote before you opt to submit it. I have shown you an example of a well thought out and developed sentence / paragraph above. Use it as a template.

- In Indonesia, students in primary school need to learn a wide range of subjects alongside a foreign language. This makes it quite difficult for the child to learn the foreign language because the classes are most often taught in the Bahasa language. By moving the foreign language classes to secondary school, the students will be more mature and receptive to the new language lesson which could result in their easily learning the language.

Diqon, I am not going to edit the conclusion that you wrote because once again, you deviated from the essay prompt in your conclusion. All you have to discuss is your opinion as to whether the advantages of learning the English language in primary school would be better than secondary school. You successfully discussed those points, in a disjointed manner, but still, the essence of your discussion was there, so all you have to do in the conclusion is drive the point home. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages? Yes or no? Please revise the conclusion to reflect that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - The Measurement of Parent Happiness With Children [6]

Hi Bayuwibowo, I've got some edits for your essay that I would like you to take note of. Most of them are grammar and sentence structure related again.


- Both charts are dominated by parents who are fairly happy with their children.


- Thisis in stark contrast...
- This sentence seems to be lacking information. Having more than half what?


- ... it also accountedfor a slight rise of 11 %


- ... take the second...


- ... along with children's growth.

Not a bad essay. You did fairly well in expressing yourself with this report. It seems you are getting better with every essay. I look forward to continuing to review your work.

Essays / How your day goes on April 29 2025 - UWC scholarship / speech writing [35]

Nguyen, the essay that you need to write for this prompt requires you to have a vivid imagination and a plan for your future. You need to think forward to the year 2025 and imagine what kind of world we will be living in then and what kind of life you will be leading. What kind of college course are you planning to pursue at the moment? Do you have any future plans or ambitions for yourself for after graduation? Develop those ideas for this essay.

You can start by creating a list that contains your plans for your future and imagine how our world could possibly be by that time. Then create a draft story that contains these elements. Make sure to highlight the fact that you see yourself as being a highly successful and notable name in your field of expertise. That way you can portray your career goals and plans over the coming years.

It is important that you be very specific about your accomplishments at this moment in time because the reviewer wants to know that you have the desire and ambition to achieve something great for yourself and the world. So this day in particular can be related in two ways. One essay can portray a typical day for you in relation to your career of choice or, it can be a highly important day for you in your career. You could pretend that you are receiving the Noble Prize, a Purple Heart, or some sort of recognition that is highly valued in your line of work. Maybe, you can even pretend that this will be the day you end world hunger, cure cancer, or develop an acceptable peace plan for the world.

Let your imagination soar. You can be anybody in the world that you created for this essay. Talk about yourself, your accomplishments, and the world as you see it at the time. Don't scrimp on your story telling. Be as imaginative as you can be. Let your future self shine in this essay.

Letters / Writing a personal letter: write letter to your friend to talk your past experience [7]

Nguyen, this is supposed to be a personal letter that relates a past experience. By definition, the letter should have more information that it currently indicates. The content of your letter are mere previews of what happened to you instead of a complete recollection of the past experience. I suggest that you further expand upon the content of the essay.

Begin with relating more about why you decided to skip school that day. Do not use the term "drop out" of school because to "drop out" of school means to stop going to school. While "skipping school" means that you only decided to not go to school for one day. Relate the circumstances that led to your decision to skip school and spend the day with your friends. Describe the activities that you enjoyed that day.

Follow up with the story about the negative effects of your actions and how the call the school made to your parents resulted in a punishment for you. I do not believe that you should use the term "charged me" in relation to your parents scolding you and quite possibly punishing you by grounding you for your actions. Try to revise the sentence in order to create a clearer picture of how your parents dealt with your actions that day.

Now, about the latter part of your letter that talks about how you matured after that event. I believe that it would have more impact upon the reader if you place that at the beginning of the letter. It would really make an excellent hook for this letter if you said something like "Dear... I heard that you skipped school today and got into trouble with your parents. Let me tell you that I had the same experience not too long ago and..." That way you create a personal connection with the reader. You can write a new concluding paragraph to take its place.

Don't get me wrong, the content of the letter is good. It just needs to be reformatted and revised in order to be more relevant to the expectations of the reader. I hope this helps.

Research Papers / Obesity from the Beginning [3]

Evode, this is a very well researched essay. I assume that you have properly cited all your sources in both the in-text and bibliography page. I did notice a few parts where improvements can be made though. I also saw some portions that have redundancies and grammar problems that need to be addressed. Let me get started below:


- Anthelme Brillat- Savarin once literally stated "Tell me what you eat and I will tell you what you are."


- People is the plural form of person and therefore does not have any other plural form.


-Statistics found by may researches and scientistsindicate that obesity...


- ... yourself frombecoming obese...


- Try to avoid using the same word in two succeeding sentences so you can avoid redundancy. It can cause reader's fatigue.


- may begin at birth.


- asearly as kinder...



- ... may start from birthstemming from what the parent...


- This sentence read as very confusing and I felt it needed to be shortened and cut in order to make clear sense.



- No need to start with numbering at this point since you did not begin your line of reasoning with a numbering method.
-A nother study... can start as soon as...


-... comprehending thisis more difficult...


- Paraphrase this portion in order to make it more your own while still mentioning the original author as the source.

This is a highly interesting and informative essay. I hope that my notes can help you improve your draft.

Writing Feedback / Woman's success or position around society has a mutual connection with a good character of children [2]

Diqon, you need to review the content of your essay very well. Your opening paragraph is a mess and not effective at all. To quote:


I have tried to read that passage a number of times and I honestly have to tell you that it is just a confusing gathering of ideas that lack coherence and logic. If I were the examiner reading your essay, I would not even go past this paragraph and I would fail you automatically. Remember, your introduction is the most important part of your essay because this is the part where you have the chance to prove your English comprehension skills by successfully restating the prompt in your own words and then voicing out your opinion towards the end of the paragraph for further discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. This paragraph just totally failed in all aspects for consideration.


Another mess of sentences that does not make sense. Let me reword this for you so that you can see how it can be improved:

Admittedly, women's professional activities these days have taken them out of the home. That is the main reason that they have lost time to rear their children the right way. They do not have time to be at home caring for them. Working outside of the home is not always supported by a personal desire of the woman to fulfill a sense of individuality through a career. Sometimes, women need to work simply because their family needs the money to survive.


This is the most confusing summation I have read from you so far. I suggest that you erase this essay version and try to rewrite your thoughts. Don't use time constraints at this point. Just write your opinion in the best way that you can. Make yourself understood. Right now, you are just confusing the reader and not making much sense. We will help you revise the next version if you want our help :-)

Research Papers / Help me choose a research question for a thesis from specified topics [8]

My suggestion is that you try to find a good thesis under Topic 3: Technology and the Human Progress. Some of my suggested topics under this would be:

1. Isaac Asimov said that the prime directive for robots is "To protect human life". In Japan, robots are becoming more and more an integral part of daily life for their citizens. The robot butler and maids are an indispensable part of elder life as well. Explain how these robots can prove to be detrimental and harmful to the everyday existence of man.

2. Technology now exists that allows robots to learn from humans. In effect, man is now not just an inventor of robots, but also his physical teacher. Allowing the robot to learn multiple tasks different from what it was originally conceived to do. This opportunity to have robots take over some human tasks proves to be financially beneficial to companies because they employ less humans who require regular salaries as opposed to one time purchases of "trainable" robots. The humans also benefit because as "operators" of these robots, they are protected from various work related dangers. The problem is that because robots now do most of the work, human progress has been affected. Explain the negative side of allowing robots to take over too much human work related activities. Will too much technology limit the progress of humans?

3. It is said that technology tends to stunt the intellectual development of humans because of the automaton nature of using it. The medical profession is afraid that use of these gadgets and technology will prevent the human mind from developing its full thought potential and lead to various brain related illnesses in the future. Discuss these concerns and why the use of technology should be limited to a certain degree.

I don't know if any of my suggestions will be helpful or acceptable to you or your professor but I gave it a shot. Good luck in developing your paper :-)

Undergraduate / UChicago supplement- So where is Waldo, really? [4]

Lindsey, you accurately depicted the fictional life of Waldo that has led many people to wonder "Where is Waldo?". The rush of life, the various persona's, all the possibilities as to where and who Waldo might be are perfectly presented in your essay. I can't fault what you have written because it is really an interesting take on the given topic. However, I think that the prompt can be addressed in a more personal manner that still relates to "Waldo".

Have you ever considered that the prompt is asking you to find Waldo within yourself? Try to think back to the various times when you have wanted to escape from your regular life in search of adventure or more meaning. Isn't that what Waldo seems to be doing by traveling the world and allowing people to search for him? You said so yourself


My approach to this essay would be from this angle. However, I would place myself, or in this case, you, at the center of the adventure and describe a sense of self-discovery as personified by Waldo. Call yourself Waldo for this essay. Place yourself in the adventure and ask yourself, why would Waldo (you) be constantly running across the globe? What is he looking for? Can he find it? Assume that you have gone on the voyage of self-discovery and you have come to learn where Waldo is within you, end the essay on that note.

The strength of this essay should lie in the fact that you have found your personal "Waldo" and come to accept her. Why did Waldo have to go on the adventure? What did he discover along the way? Finally, where was "Waldo" finally found? These are questions or concepts that could liven up the essay and give it a fresh response coming from your end. It just may liven up the interest of a reviewer who is already jaded by the common responses that come with this prompt. Perhaps you would like to try writing this essay from a new perspective? This is an interesting topic that can be dealt with in numerous ways as an essay. Your approach was one and my suggestion is another one. Whatever way you choose to approach the prompt, I know you will write it in the manner that you feel best suits your needs.

Writing Feedback / alternatives of learning - help me to improve my CBEST writing essay [2]

Julia, a direct to the point essay is always the best essay to write. Doing so will show the examiner or reviewer that you actually understood the prompt and have a ready answer for them to consider. As far as I can tell, the first part of your essay is all composed of word fillers, meant to help you achieve the word count. Don't waste the space with empty words. Make sure that your words and thoughts always matter and leave some sort of impression on the reader. My suggestion is that you totally delete the first half of your essay and open instead with the following:


- A grammatical correction here: ... opportunity to learn new skills,

This paragraph shows an immediate acknowledgement of the prompt and your personal point of view as well. It serves to strengthen the message of your essay and allows the reader to judge your English comprehension skills. By using personal stories to explain your stand, you depict a persona that clearly explains and supports your stand. Remember, in writing response essays such as this, it is important to make your point as soon as possible so that you can fully utilize the word and time limitations.

Might suggest that you also add a portion that discusses your personal journey in education? Do you feel that you would have done better career-wise if you had veered from formal academics and concentrated instead on vocational training? Sometimes using your personal story / journey also helps you to better analyze your stand on the situation and by letting the reader in on your story, you allow them to realize how much of an impact the prompt has had on you. Once that personal connection is made, the essay takes on a new life and has a deeper meaning for the reader which could prove to be beneficial to you in the long run.

Writing Feedback / Write a story about a brother and sister who are always trying to be better than each other. [2]

Usama, the plot you chose delves on a suspense thriller / mystery. It is a workable premise that has a number of problems that need to be resolved before you can comfortably set up the story. One of the things that I noticed is that you immediately open the scene with dialogue. Remember that you always need to set up the scene descriptively in order to introduce and immerse the reader in the scene. A short backgrounder on the rift between the brother and sister would also be helpful to the story.

There is no clarity regarding how James helped his father and what he helped his father with. The narrative you wrote has quite a number of loopholes because of this. Sometimes, mere mentions or use of plot devices can help you establish these elements without making the story run too long. You need to address the role of James in the business, what this business deal he helped his with was all about and why his sister would be angry about it.

Some grammatical errors also exist in the story. One of the errors I spotted was:


- ... jostled me...

A strong word of caution, never use caps lock in writing. Not even for emphasis. Use your punctuation marks instead. By writing the name of James in capital letters, you are essentially shouting at your reader, which is a rude thing to do.


- ... did James have to be...

Again, the story is good. The plot can actually be expanded. You just need to further develop your writing skills. I hope my advice can help you improve. The potential is there, just don't quit :-)

Undergraduate / Brandeis being a Jewish affiliated university, I felt that I being a Muslim would make me an outcast [9]

When you are asked to explain why you are interested in attending any university in general, the reviewer does not expect to read a rehash of what they already know about their university. Rather, they would like to learn about how your desire to attend the university has influenced your life and how you plan to help them improve their student community should you be allowed to enroll in their university. The essay that you wrote, in my opinion, still needs work. I understand that you were honest in your response and that honesty is quite important to the essay. However, there is an important aspect that you need to reconcile in the essay so that you can successfully explain your desire to attend Brandeis.

It would be interesting to read how your personal journey in choosing a university led you to Brandeis. Once you can make your personal journey resonate with the objectives of the university, you will be able to develop an almost perfect response to the prompt. Using the movie viewing to open the essay is a good touch. However, that paragraph seems to be disconnected from the prompt requirements. How exactly does Brandeis fit into this particular event in your life? Make the connection to make the paragraph more effective and eye catching.


- I suggest that you reword this particular paragraph because it sounds like it came straight out of the student brochure rather than your thoughts. You mentioned that Asian culture attracts you and that the university believes in global citizenship. Where is the build up? Always connect your activities or personal principles with that of Brandeis. Always support your statement otherwise it leaves the reader questioning the truthfulness of your response.


- How does their vision align with yours? How do you see your relationship with the university influencing each other once you attend the university?

Since universities are not aiming to be politically correct, I would most certainly play up a unique relationship between the fact that the university is Jewish and you are Muslim. Your interest in Brandeis is unique. So explaining why you developed that interest even though you come from a different religion will definitely catch the eye of the reader.

Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / Art is my voice and peace - Common Application Essay Prompt #1 [3]

Yasmin, I have to commend you for being able to portray all 3 elements of the prompt into one essay. That was a difficult thing to do and yet you were able to do it quite well. However, doing so also proves to be a drawback for your essay. The reason that using all 3 elements in one essay did not work for you is because the prompt asked you to opt for one element and then build upon that. This type of prompt requests you to represent one aspect of your personality that you believe will best impress the reviewer. Right now, the essay reads like a hodgepodge of little bits of information about you that remain under developed due to the word constraints.

That said, it is quite possible to actually revise this essay to become more interesting with a particular focus on your talent and how it is an integral part of who you have become. What you have to do is this, open the essay with an anecdote / story about a time in your life when art helped you become more open or accepting of a situation. I advice you to use the following as your opening paragraph:


You need a much stronger opening statement than you currently have in order to catch the attention of the reviewer. I believe that the above paragraph will provide you with that opportunity. Then, use the succeeding paragraphs to build the relationship between art and how it helped you find your niche in the world. As the prompt indicates, you need to explain how art became so meaningful to you that you see art as something that you will continue to do in college. Explain to the reader how you plan to continue developing your unique personality using art while attending college. Doing so will portray the importance of art in your life and the development of a particular personality trait or character within you.

Don't dwell so much on your struggle to adjust and fit into school so much. It takes up too much of the essay and does not really help you to precisely respond to the prompt. It would be best to rewrite the essay and adjust the aspects I pointed out in order to better target the prompt response from your end.

Writing Feedback / RIGHT ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING [5]

Hi Ajayi, I spotted some grammatical and punctuation issues with your writing. I'll be quoting and correcting the issues below and include comments when necessary.


- ... most miraculous thingsin this life.
- The miracle is something that is part of our lives and is therefore "in" and not "about" this life.


- ... he also created animals in 2 phases: either...


- ... conclusionthat "LIfe is a phase..."


- The removal of certain descriptive words make the sentence tighter and more meaningful.


- Positive in the sense that... and negative in another way.


- You have a missing descriptive word here. The sentence doesn't make any sense in British or American English.


- It's a cinch.
- I suggest that you stop using English idioms if you are not really sure about how it is written. Using the idiom improperly or stating it wrongly does not increase the confidence of the native English speaking reader in your abilities.


- Proper English grammar dictates that no sentence can start with "And". It makes the sentence seem incomplete and sounds like it starts in the middle of a thought process instead of at the beginning. "Failed" was changed to "fail" because it is a continuing action in the present. Therefore present-tense should be used.


- hallmark ofa right attitude


- family relatives - family indicates a plural form.


- ... nobody really likes you. - Again this needs to be in present tense.



- Again, watch out for those tricky tense usage problems.


- This morning I am telling you that "You are not alone!"


- ... relatives (everything in the sentence is in plural form)...


- That's the right attitude...
- You need a connector word here.


- wants to be happy.
- action connector word needed


- What if things don't... expected?
- This is supposed to be a formal question. So you need to end it with a question mark. Dropping the but and using What instead also makes the sentence direct to the point.


- ... it takes the right mindset to develop the right attitude.
- You should say mindset because you are trying to represent a frame of mind or way of thinking. You also need the connector word "the" in order to better describe what you mean for a person to develop.

Corrections aside, you wrote a pretty much acceptable, informative, and well developed paper. Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done :-)

Graduate / Fulbright scholarship for a master on energy storage, need correction for my Personal Statement [2]

Miko, the first thing you have to understand is that a Fulbright Scholarship is one of the most sought after study grants in the world. Yale University will not accept just anybody into their midst and as such, you need to make yourself stand out with as superior a personal statement as you can muster. Unfortunately, the essay that you wrote is, in my opinion, not suited for a Fulbright application. While your current personal statement sounds more like a college application essay, it can be considered a good start as it carries certain points that you can use for revising your essay.

The reviewer will not be interested in anecdotes from your childhood regardless of how it relates to the profession that you chose to pursue. Since you are applying for a masters degree program, you need to begin to portray yourself as a professional with a bright future ahead of you. All you need to pursue that future, is a sponsor who will believe in you and what you wish to undertake for yourself and all concerned.

Try to focus the statement upon your current profession. Explain how you are currently performing in this field. Make sure to let the reviewer know that while you have taken baby steps towards a higher goal, you believe that you would not be on that path if you had not accomplished certain things within your current profession. This will show how you are a forward thinker who knows where he sees himself in the future.

Explain how you see your future studies helping to achieve your future goals and achieving your full potential. Relate those ideas to your current job and where you see yourself headed within this career path within the next 2 years and then 5 years after graduation. Remember that masters degree students know where they want to be in the future and how they plan to achieve it. You need to create a future career path that will catch the eye of the reviewer. Make sure to relate how this scholarship is relevant to your chosen career and how you plan to continue to have a relationship with the scholarship long after you graduate. Think of ideas that will make your application stand out. Don't stick to the safe declarations as your current essay shows.

More to the point, I have to tell you that your current essay just doesn't work. It does not portray anything about you that will be of notice to the reviewer as it reads more as a generalized essay / commentary instead of a personal look into the professional that you hope to become. That lack of focus has rendered this essay quite useless as it will not interest the reviewer at all and could well result in your missing a chance at getting the scholarship. I apologize for sounding harsh but trust me, the current form of your essay needs a lot more work than you possibly thought. I am trying to help you get on track towards that :-)

These are some pointers that I thought of that can help you develop a more unique and interesting personal statement. I hope it helps.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1 - Relationships at work (with supervisor and co-workers) [5]

Hi Bayuwibowo, I noticed a number of grammatical errors in your essay. I'll be correcting it below. It mostly has to do with the grammar structure issues so it is easy to spot and revise. Here we go:


- There is a numerical redundancy in this sentence. These and both signify plural forms so you can use one or the other in writing this sentence. Don't use both. I chose to use "These" instead of "both" because it is more formal sounding and therefore more academically acceptable.


- The first chart represents the supervisor and the second chart indicates their...


- Overall, the strong bond relation dominated while the poor relationship...


- You don't need to let the reader know you are starting, just start. Omit "To begin" and use the word count for more important words. Try to avoid the use of word fillers.

- ... workers hada very good... fair relationship had only... employees whodid not answer (tense usage this should be in past tense because it already happened) ...


- Let me reword this for clarity and accuracy:
Between 2005 and 2009 the percentages of a very good relationship between co-workers became considerably higher at more than half. Besides that, there was also a steady rise of 7%. People who worked alone had the lowest percentage at 2% in 2009 while the good relationship took the second highest place for that quarter period.

- You did not have to explain what you meant by people who work alone as that is self explanatory and easily understood.

Please take note of my advice regarding your grammar corrections should you wish to revise this essay and have it reviewed again. You did quite well with just a few problems that needed to be pointed out and corrected.

Writing Feedback / Many young people in the workforce today change their jobs or careers every few years.(IELTS) [3]

Hi Edward. The way I see it, there are a number of grammatical errors that need to be corrected in this essay. Some of these errors (with corrections) include:


- ... that young people regularly change their jobs.
- To say all the time is redundant since you already said "they keep changing jobs", there is no need to say "all the time" as that is implied in the sentence already.

- ... I think they do not know... not satisfied with their current job


- This is still a carry over thought from the previous paragraph and should be placed at the end of the first paragraph instead.


- This should be the start of the second paragraph. The rest of the paragraph is a well thought out and written discussion that you can retain in its original form if you wish to. You can also add some information to make the statement even more acceptable if you wish.


- I have a problem with this conclusion because you are presenting a new thought that is not even connected with the provided prompt. As in any essay, no new ideas should be presented as part of the conclusion. So you need to reword the conclusion to simply be a round up of your opinion on the matter.

I would score this essay a 4 in terms of discussion due to the deviation in the conclusion and the lack of discussion development pertaining to your opinion of the advantage and disadvantage. The essay requires a personal point of view that was not clearly stated within the early parts of the essay. While you did present a discussion of the advantage and disadvantage, you failed to properly represent the discussion as to whether constant career changes are advisable or not from a personal point of view. Instead you ask the reader to make the decision for themselves. That is not what the prompt is expecting from you.

You need to specifically state; "In my opinion, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages because..." It is not enough to just present what you see as an advantage or disadvantage without including your personal opinion on the matter. A personal comparison of the advantages and disadvantages would prove to be more aligned with the expected response for the prompt. Doing so will address the issue as of


Remember, in an IELTS test, the examiner will be looking at your comprehension skills in response to the given prompt in order to prove your English language abilities.

Scholarship / A statement for Melbourne Abroad Travel Scholarships [3]

While this essay explains your background in your field of research / study, it lacks a focus on the conference itself and its direct connection with your current research and future endeavors. In fact, the essay can be faulted for giving unnecessary information to the reader. Information such as the background of the conference, where it is held, how often, and who are in attendance. Those are aspects of the application essay that can easily be discarded as irrelevant towards your application for sponsorship.

The concentration of this essay must center upon your future plans for your research and how the conference exposure will benefit not only you, but your continued employment with the university you are currently connected with. Remember that scholarships are given, at this point of your career with an end goal in mind for both you as the researcher, and the school, as your sponsor. Therefore connecting the two are of the utmost importance and consideration when applying for this scholarship.


- I would totally omit this portion in your application because it connotes that you are only interested in what the conference can do for you. You are not interested in cultivating your relationship with your current employer so you might want to reconsider or rephrase this particular portion of your essay. I really believe it has the potential to be detrimental to your application.

Try to present a future plan for your career after you attend this conference. Mention how it can help you and how the connections you make can help the university as well with future research. Redirect your message to show that sponsoring you for this conference will result in numerous benefits for the university as represented by you. That should help increase your potential for consideration.

Letters / Letter request for CAT exemption... [4]

Ralph, this is not a very good exemption letter. It does not carry any weight nor valid reason for the request to exempt you from CAT training. The whole letter needs to be strengthened if it is even to stand a chance at consideration. The main points your letter should make are the following:

1. A specific mention of the existing medical condition of the boy.
2. How this medical condition adversely affects the ability of the boy to participate in activities such as CAT.
3. Give examples of the adverse physical results the boy displays and an explanation of how this is detrimental to the boy.
4. Information about the previous exemptions the boy has had from physical activities such as P.E.
5. Inform the principal of the medical certificate included with your exemption request. For more emphasis and impact, include the contact details of the boy's physician who is recommending the exemption for further information and clarification regarding the boy's medical condition.

Remember that a concerned parent would write more specific information in an exemption letter than what is currently contained here. This letter at the moment, sounds like a 4th grader wrote it and as such, will not be given any serious consideration by the principal or commandant for exemption. The letter needs to sound more professional, formal, and informative in order to stand a chance at consideration.

Writing Feedback / Some important roles of Parents improving child's lives as a good member of society [3]

Hi Diqon, let me start off by saying that even though your English grammar is not perfect, it is enough to get your message across to the reader. That said, I would like to commend you on being able to create coherent thoughts in English. This essay is a perfect example of a well written ESL essay. Here are my suggestions for further improvement in the essay:


- ... that p arents.
- The letter P in parents is only used at the beginning of a sentence. In this case, the word is used as a general term and therefore does not need to be capitalized.


- If you rearrange this paragraph to first cover the influence of parents in academic and personal aspects within the home setting, the paragraph will become stronger and more convincing. Your argument is sound and only needs to be adjusted in order to make it a more powerful paragraph.


- I don't think deal is the term you want to use here. I believe you want to say "However, it is not fair to judge..." Am I right?

Now, remember that you are not allowed to conclude your essay with the presentation of new ideas. That means you cannot and should not use your opinion as the closing paragraph. Try to build upon your opinion with supporting ideas in relation to your stand. Use examples from your personal life if possible in order to give credence to your statement. Don't rely on simply stated opinions based upon other facts. After you do that you can write a concluding paragraph that wraps up the argument you have just made. Remember, do not present new ideas in the conclusion.

The message of your essay is clear. It is just not well argued because of the language drawback. That does not matter at this point though. What is important is that you continue to practice writing and thinking in the English language. Remember, practice make perfect :-)

Undergraduate / UW Madison Application. My parents' divorce. Let me know what could use improving or corrections. [3]

Luke, I believe that you misunderstood the prompt. The essay is asking you to look for something about you, as represented by your life. It could be a character, a trait, or anything unique about you that other people mention to you as something that makes you special to them. The divorce of your parents is not a character or trait that represents something unnoticed about your life. It is something that other people did not notice either because it is practically a normal part of married / family life in the United States. So I don't think that you should use this particular event as a representation of something about you that you have not noticed about yourself.

I would like you to reconsider the topic for this essay. Consider your relationship with other people and ask yourself if there were ever instances when you would do something and that person or people would tell you "That is what I / we like about you." Is it an instance when you did something without even thinking about it and it resulted in something positive for you or the people around you? Such events are the typical themes for this essay. You have to be conscious of what you are doing but think that other people do not notice that trait in you. When you figure out what that is, you can then discuss why you feel that this particular activity, character or trait is important to your life.

The aim of this essay is to give you an opportunity to present something about your activity (activities) that places you in a unique position. It could be your sense of empathy, your inborn helpfulness, your willingness to help those in need, or some trait along those lines. The reviewer will be looking for a part of your personality that will tell him how you can be an asset to the university as a student or member of the student body. This essay will tell them how you can enhance the university experience and if you will be a fit for their student community. Try to present yourself along those lines by using the most relevant part of your life as the topic of the essay. It is not about an event, it is about something you did in your life that you think people did not notice. So the opinion of other people about the matter will also be as important as everything else you have to say in the essay. My advice is to find something other than the divorce of your parents in this essay.