Writing Feedback / What is alternatives to reduce industrial pollution? replace harmful industries [2]

Pollution is a vital problem worldwide. Developing countries are becoming industrialized that leads to increase pollutedmore environmental pollutionenvironment. In my opinion levying more duty on factories and anothersome other course of action, introducing environmental policies and controlling bodies, helps tohelp arrest this issueminimize pollution.

You seem to be having a good vocabulary knowledge. However, you need to pay more attention to grammar.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: An effective leader tries to make others feel they are part of the decision-making process. [4]

It's good to include your full prompt in the post so that we get a better understanding as to what it expects from you. Do it from next time you open a fresh thread :)


Is your prompt specific on business decisions? Or was it a general issue on any decision making ? I guess it is the second one and if so, make sure you always stay with your prompt.

First and foremost, group discussion offers more suitablematured and careful decisions than the ones made b y a single person does.

Writing Feedback / Unpaid community service - "great stepping stone for high school institutions" [6]

Salmon has already suggested you the approach we generally recommend to follow for the introduction for this task. Now let's pay attention to the other important parts of your essay.

Body paragraphs - Here you need to give the reasons (one reason per body para) to defend your opinion on the issue. Also support this reason with a specific example.

Conclusion - Sum up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Several languages die out in the world [4]

Language is a symbol of our nation.culture. ... Well, a nation may consists of so many communities that speak different languages. However, the language plays a very prominent place in one's culture.

Recently, some languages have begun to disappear year-by-year and many people argue that this phenomenon is not giving a bad impact for people life if in this world has fewer languages.going to have any bad impact on society as they believe that fewer the languages, easier the life would become.

Writing Feedback / essay: following the host country's culture for visitors [5]

Excellent introduction. You display very good writing skills - good grammar, vocabulary, presentation of ideas :) However, I like if you stated your opinion before concluding the introduction instead of the line that you have written last in this para. It sounds too vague and in my personal opinion, it does not add any value to your flow. Had you stated your opinion there, then it would help you convince your reader better.

Writing Feedback / 'healthy diet and adequate exercises' - Methods to improve public health [4]

Well, I think you need to introduce the background of the issue more elaborately. This is my suggestion for your intro;


Good health is the key for a happy life. Therefore improving public health is one of the main objectives of any government. Some people believe that this can be achieved by enhancing sports facilities. However, the others view that increasing sports facilities would not have much effect on improving public health.

Writing Feedback / GRE-118: views we share vs views contradict our own and learning from it [2]

Why are you having three parts for the introduction. You should have had all these sentences in on para and present it as your introductory para.

People whose oppositewho oppose our opinions usually have grown up in terms of learning.
I do not understand the second part of this sentence :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Education plays an important role in the socioeconomic status of a country [3]

Well... you write very well. Good grammar, vocabulary , flow etc. However, I believe you need to pay a little more attention to your approach for this task. I think your intro and body paras need to be more aligned with task requirements. In the intro, have these parts - Hook, background of the issue and your opinion. Then in your body paras, have the reasons to justify your opinion and then support them with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) Studying abroad is a trend among university students in Turkey [5]

It is always good to include your prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it really requires from you. In this case we really don't have a clear idea as to your prompt is specific to Turkey or it is just a general topic. If your prompt is open to all countries, then do not narrow down its scope in the introduction by making reference to Turkey. In that case you can have Turkey as an example in body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Abortion Should Be illegal? People should think of the consequences [4]

Recently, abortionsincreaseshave increased rapidly and becomesthe issue has become a controversial topic. Some people supposebelieve that abortions should be legalized while others are against it. such legalization.

What is your opinion on that? Include that in the last sentence before concluding your intro :)

Undergraduate / PS - There are two ways to be happy: improve your reality or lower your expectations [2]


Let's have a look at your prompt;


I feel this suggests that you need to be more specific when talking about your disappointment. Tell what made you disappointed and how you responded to it. And then how that experience helped you grow as a person. I think you need to be more specific when dealing with this task and elaborate more on your personal experience, efforts to overcome or face the challenge and then the lessons learned.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) a country benefits from more and more university students [5]

However, the publicsome people has doubt about the beneficial effect of college education and they believe these policies will drive up unemployment rate.
ifIf more and more students go toattend university, the society will have more intellectuals and thereby become more stableresourceful and secure.disciplined.

You need to align your writing more with the main idea of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 2: entertaining and educational functions of Museums [7]


This is good, but I like if you have been a bit more specific on the views in your first sentence.
On the one hand, tourists often go to visit museums for entertainment purposes. ..."go" makes "visit" redundant.


.... "funniest destinations"? .... I find it sounds a bit rude.... I believe this is what you intended to say;
Particularly, the museums are often voted as the best attractions for amusement in some countries.


In this body para, you are not actually attempting to justify your opinion :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 11 month study period for a better, more efficient education [2]


You need to improve your approach for introduction. This introduction fails to introduce your prompt to the reader. The main objective of your intro is to introduce the issue that your prompt talks about. Here you begin your intro by stating your opinion on the issue and assume that the reader knows the issue already. It is always good to introduce the issue to the reader and then state your opinion just before you conclude the intro.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY - center for business vs agriculture (farming) research choice [3]

I agree with eddies .... your intro needs improvement. I think you better introduce the prompt itself. In this case your prompt talks of a more specific issue and I think you should behave within that scope. This is what I suggest;


Research studies play an important role in the development of a country. Recently, one of the universities has announced its plan of setting up a research center in my country and some sections of our society wants this center to be a business research center. However, the other people wish it to be planned for agriculture research studies. In my personal view, I too would favor a research center for agriculture for my country because it has a more agro-based economy.

Scholarship / Journalism: facts, events, truths - why I should be considered for scholarship [5]


I love the way you have begun the essay.
Telling these truths and facts to the world through visuals & words excite me.


I think you have repeated almost the same idea in this section and I wish you cut it shorter to save it from repetition. The reader may get bored otherwise!

Overall, I think you have done a good job :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Advertising makes people buy products that they really do not need [8]


You have written this very clearly. However, it does not follow the most appropriate approach for the intro. In the intro, the most important aspect is that introducing the issue to the reader. So you need to be more descriptive than this in that task. This is the approach I suggest for the intro for this task;

1. Hook - write an interesting sentence to grab the attention of the reader
2. Background - Introduce the issue to the reader by paraphrasing the prompt.
3. Thesis statement - Express your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / Person can only be happy if he has got a job which he enjoy [4]

It is always good to include the purpose of writing , e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc., in your title for the others to provide you with more meaningful and task related feedbacks. Also include the full prompt in your post too and that will help us understand what it really requires from you.

ut the most important thing everyone forgets is that they actually like where they are working.the work they do.

Writing Feedback / Making money or traveling before entering university is valuable for students [2]

At present, it is commonlyoften recommended that young people graduate from high school should to go out to work or travel for one year before theyengage in work or travel aroundyoung people graduate enter universitybefore they begin their university career. In my opinion, the effectiveness of this decision varies from the subject you plan to learn during the university.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: we should not ignore the traditional food; fast foods need be supervised [5]

peoplePeople prefer international fast foods rather than traditional foods that their family make has become more commonplace now. .... the latter part os very very confusing... what do you try to mean?

You need to improve a lot on the approach , especially the introduction. First, introduce the issue by paraphrasing the prompt. Then state your opinion very clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How British people spending their money on fast foods? Chart [5]

Where is the chart? Without having a look at the chart it is difficult to provide you with meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload images.

Also, follow this approach for this task - Introduction ( Introduce the graph), Overview (discuss the main trends very briefly to give an overall idea about the graph to the reader), Detail paras.

Writing Feedback / Fixed punishments for crimes may improve the efficiency, decrease the crime rate [4]

Many people argue that it will be benefitbeneficial for the society's stability and human rights if we treat the crime flexible


What do you mean by this part? It is not at all clear to us :(
Write one sentence per idea to deliver your ideas with more clarity,

Writing Feedback / IELTS - learning languages at an early age bracket benefits more than deteriorates. [4]

Sure :)
This my suggestion for your introduction;
Literacy on foreign languages is a great advantage in the modern world. (your hook) Therefore people today are very keen on teaching foreign languages to their children. Some people believe that children should not wait until secondary school level to learn a foreign language. According to this view, the children should start learning a foreign language at the primary school itself.(background of the issue)I too believe that children should begin to learn a foreign language at primary school.(your opinion)

Writing Feedback / I definitely agree - pressure of school and parental pressure should be reduced [3]


Don't write lengthy sentences to open your essay. Begin your essay with a more catchy, interesting and meaningful hook :)
Nowadays, we can see a major increase in school drop outs. This is due to the fact that students find schools apply lots of pressure on them that they cannot really cope with.

I totally agree that (no comma)today lots of students today are exposed to pressespressure because of higher expectations.

Writing Feedback / What should a country do: run/ carry out the policy of isolating from the world or engaging others? [3]


.... well.... you should have chosen on of the words - run or carry out in this sentence.
This is my suggestion for your intro;
Today, the world has heavily come under the influence of globalization. This has resulted very close relationships between countries on various fronts such as trade, commerce, education, technology etc. Therefore , some people argue that a countries should not attempt to isolate themselves from the rest of the world and instead they should be more engaged with one another. I strongly support this view point.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; working and travelling a year before university is a good idea [4]


This is not what your prompt is talking about. It focuses on how to use the gap year between high school and uni. Should students travel or work during this year or should they immediately enroll themselves with new courses at the unis? That is what you need to address in this essay. Read your prompt very carefully and align your writing with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK - 2 Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men [5]


.... What is the significance of "era of trade" for this idea? I don't understand why you mentioned that and its relevance to the topic :(

Also, I wish your first sentence (which needs to be an effective hook for your essay) is more interesting, catchy and relevant to your topic.


This is not actually an answer to the issue that your prompt suggests. It is asking you whether the companies should have positions in the corporate management for women. Try to align your writing more with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Mobile phones facilitate our work and also simplify our lives [5]

Recent decades have witnessed a major transformation of mobile phone.in the way we communicate with each other. ...now start talking about mobile phones!

Distance and time are no longer a problembarriers for contactingkeeping connected with ouryour families, friends and colleges.

It is better you avoid "you" (third person) as it may refer to your examiner who is going to mark your essay. He might not like it :D

Writing Feedback / The importance of utilizing advisement globally continues to increase each year [4]


This is not a good way to open your essay. You need to write a sentence that has the ability to hook your reader to your writing. So, this sentence should be interesting, catchy and most importantly it should be meaningful and relevant to your topic. This is my suggestion for your hook;

Advertising has now become a part of our existence. (this is your hook - Now start introducing the issue)

Writing Feedback / Spending more money in public transportation should be improved early [4]

Yes.... it is always good to include the full prompt in your post so that we can have a better understanding as to what it requires from you. Also, include the purpose of writing , e.g. IELTS, TOEFL etc., in the title itself to earn more feedbacks for your essay.

Transportation is one of the most significant thingaspects ofin human life.in our daily life.


.... wrong grammar
Governments have a responsibility to provide necessary infrastructure systems for their people.

Writing Feedback / How the Vietnamese invasion of Cambodia affected the United States-feedback [5]

This started awas the beginning of the war between Cambodia and Vietnam. When citizens of the United States found out about this, many felt very strongly about this.The people of the United States became very concerned about this war situation in Cambodia although they did not have a direct involvement with it.


....you need to improve the presentation of this sentence;
Richard Nixon, then president of the USA was one such person who was very concerned over this issue.

Writing Feedback / Young people should spend time on traveling before beginning their studies [4]


Yes, this is a better approach as the introduction is meant for introducing your topic to the reader. By stating your opinion as you open the essay, you are making an assumption that the reader already knows what you are going to write. The more acceptable way is to assume that the reader knows nothing and tell him what you are going to write about. So you should state your opinion just before you are concluding the introduction.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2 - Some people say that the Internet is making the world [5]

Now we are in the era of technology, the massive revolution on internet sector helps people to connect with each other.


In this introduction you do not really focus on the core of the issue, I believe you should pay more attention to the approach that you take on your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Parents should have much time for their children which are lonely sometimes [5]

First, I have some admin requests - You should have opened this thread in Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for this essay. Also, it is better you mention the purpose of writing this essay ( for example - IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) so that you would earn more meaningful and task related feedbacks from others. Next is that you should include the full prompt of your essay in the post for us to understand what it really requires from you and align our feedbacks accordingly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 1 - Reject a company offer - letter [3]


Begin your letter with a positive note although it is to inform something negative;
I am very thankful to you for offering me a career position in your esteemed organization. However, I am compelled to decline this offer due to the fact that I had already accepted the position as a Sales Manager in another company.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL essay] Internship prepare students better for their careers [6]

AnA professional job mostly begins with an university education. The university teaches us the most important knowledge for thehelps us gain necessary knowledge and skills for our future jobcareers. However, beside the knowledge taught from the book, I think the university should add an internship or some working activity in their training because of some reasons.in addition to the structure knowledge it offers, I believe they should equip students with more practical knowledge as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - learning languages at an early age bracket benefits more than deteriorates. [4]


Well, this is not a very good way to open your essay. Ideally you should open your essay with a hook that can grab the reader's attention. The hook should be interesting, meaningful and relevant idea and you should present it in a much shorter sentence. Do not open essays with really really long sentences. That makes the reader tired as he begins to read your essay.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: apology letter - 'evenings noise' [4]

I am writing to apologize for the noise that spoilsdisturbed your evenings and causescaused you some distress.inconvenience.
As you may have guessed, I am currently decoratingrefurbishing my flat and workers are engaged in drilling a wholehole to allow the pipes of my new air conditioner go into my living room.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. MARRIAGES AND DIVORCE IN THE USA & ADULT AMERICANS' MARITAL STATUS [6]

Ok... I think you need to improve a little bit more on the approach for this task. This is a task which aims at assessing your report writing skills. Therefore your need to adopt a more reporting writing style. Here's the approach I am suggesting;

Introduction - Introduce the graphs very briefly
Overview- Discuss the main trends/ observations very very briefly to give an overall idea about the graphical presentation. Here you should not include any details like statistics and figures.

Detail Paragraphs - Now you can pick up individual trends and discuss them with more detail :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: CONSIDERING DISADVANTAGES OF TOURISM [6]


Tourism is one of the major industries that help boost economies across the world


Well, you have to give more prominence to the core of the issue which is that should disadvantages be overlooked or not. It is not given so much prominence here. Try to stay with your prompt always.