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Posts by niesaysi
Name: Jhonies Saysi
Joined: Feb 5, 2011
Last Post: Jun 14, 2021
Threads: 16
Posts: 281  
From: Philippines
School: Polytechnic University of the Philippines

Displayed posts: 297 / page 5 of 8
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niesaysi   
Mar 7, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Private car ownership has grown, led to traffic congestion [3]

The advantage of this policy is that the one who would like to purchase a car will have to consider carefully -- what is to consider about?

Another opinionAdditionally , is thatthe government could make and ban enforces laws for these transport types.

For example, we need to stipulate clearly that which streets the cars are or not allowed to run in.
Besides, for the streets where the traffic jam is frequently taketaken place..

Your essay is evidently short. Actually, second and third paragraph can be combined as one. I can't see any reason to separate them.You still need to present more specific examples to support your main topic.
niesaysi   
Mar 2, 2014
Undergraduate / Global Perspective Semester At Sea Essay [2]

Below are some grammatical errors you've committed. Hope those are helpful:)

They're stories offer the rare gem

Their

I have witnessed animosity between both countries and understand that political climates

understood

therefore driving

each countries atmosphere

each country's atmosphere
niesaysi   
Mar 1, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: distance education to classroom-based education ? [3]

Education has not been apart from this changes.

these

n the latest years, new technologies have acquired such an important transformative role in our everyday lives.

New technologies have brought important changes to people's lives.

Whilst there are strong arguments to support this, I would suggest that the classroom-based education has better results. This argument will be proven by looking at how the face-to-face interact and the groups are essential in the development of the students.

In my point of view, I believe that classroom-based education is more essential, because this involves face-to-face interaction needed for the development of the students.
niesaysi   
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Internet advantages and disadvantages. [4]

Using internet becamehas become an indispensable part of life for many people.However, some people think that it has a lots of drawbacks. Before drawing a reasoned conclusion, let us first discuss both sides of view. - Give your own opinion.

First of all, internet noticeably facilitates our lifes .
For example,if in the olden daysbefore, people payedpaid money for telephone calls, or wrote by hand letters and sent them per post, now we can send e-mail and make internet calls.

Also we can make video calls and through online, see someone who live away from us.from a far place.
We can find there any needed data, news, movies, and books.
niesaysi   
Feb 26, 2014
Undergraduate / Admission Essay to UT Austin - I was the only child to single mom in the US Navy [2]

With my mother who was always working , and our little family on the move every few years, entertaining myself became an important daily task.

I was a wildly optimistic kid with a creative edge, and art became my favorite pass time.

When adding another idea in the sentence, always leave a comma.Most students usually commit this error in writing. Don't combine two different ideas by just leaving a coordinating conjunction like "and". Always put a comma.

Good luck:)
niesaysi   
Feb 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Paid work must be appreciated but it must be good for children's health and mind [5]

Paid work is hard, but sometimes it is attractive beneficial and sometimes it is essential for people.

These children are doing work in different factories such as cement, acid, and soap factories and in these factories their owners misbehaved with them and order them to do such works that are not suitable for children and affect their health badly.

Let us cut this into two sentences.
These children work in different factories such as cement, acid, and soap factories. At some point, they experience abusive
treatment from the owners, specifically, work exploitation.

niesaysi   
Feb 26, 2014
Undergraduate / Columbia GS Essay from perspective of former semi professional hockey player [3]

My father is a PE coach, and as his oldest son, he was very eager to get me started in sports as soon as possible.

Run-on sentence. Put a comma in combining two independent clauses.

Through out

Throughout

I say this not as a mere generic answer to an essay prompt

this is not

there's a world

there is

would I have the chance

I would have

:)
niesaysi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl evalution - Impact of television on children [4]

Among all the entertainment option

options

but effect of television on growing children is

but the effect

childrenis major concern

is a major concern

different vision in the field of easy entertainment

visions

channels like national geography,History channel.

National Geography and History channel

many animated series and movies helps kids to learn

help

his eye- site

eyesight

Children starts imitating

start

Hope this helps:)
niesaysi   
Feb 25, 2014
Scholarship / SSF housing scholarship: About Me, My major , and unique experience [3]

As well as, my uncles, aunts, and cousins who often visited?

This is supposedly not a question. It is simply a statement . You may connect this from the preceding sentence :I had my grandmother, and my grandfather who lived with me, as well as my uncles, aunts, and cousins who often visited us.

I want to know Spanish and Russian Fluently

-do not capitalize letter "f".
niesaysi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / Every generation has a lot of differences - because problems, technology and ideology surrounded [2]

because recent research has showed how our body

shown ( has plus past perfect tense of verb)

my generation developed a healthy conscious

has developed

Another example of this can be saw when

Here is another one :seen, not saw ( "be" plus past perfect)

n addition, my generation enjoy of communication's facilities than my parent do not.

enjoy more of communication's facilities

I can communicate with my parents by email, skype or any other kind of product.

means

but there are many more like fashion and education.

It is no longer to mention in your essay at all. We call it as "extraneous detail". Better if you already presented in your intro that the differences between your generation from your parents' generation delimit only in terms of communication and health.
niesaysi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / STRICKLY ENGLISH (Article re-write) [3]

Here are my corrections. Pardon me if it is quite long ...

British columnist-newspaper Simon Heffer discuss about his

discussed

to brighten about their mistake of English language using

usage

Studying English in the University force me to know more

forced

why we should aware about subjects verbs in a sentence

subjects and verbs

This is encouraged me to know more

This encouraged me . It is ought to be in active voice.

Furthermore, language has a deeply meaning for me

deep. Intensifier is just used to "intensify" the degree of an adjective it describes: intensifier plus adjective, not intensifier plus noun.

What that was happen in the differences of word meaning usually happen in several field of study.

What happened in the differences

standardization dictionary

standardized

Our language has a great settlement and codified, in which is stereotyped people recognized and comfort with

Omit be verb "is".

Moreover, English grammar should not become debate material.

should not be used as a debate material

Many authorized writers seems have

seem

Most of scientist was billingualist, indeed if asked

Most scientists were

They do not immerse themselves such a trend while their write for journals.

they

If you confused to communicate with select group

If you are confused to communicate with selected groups

Hope those corrections will help you :)
niesaysi   
Feb 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Capital punishment (the death penalty) in society [12]

the increasing of violence is one of the problems ...

people' live is in danger as they

people's lives are

If they get no chance to live, it means that they get no chance to repent his or her sins.

-- We call this faulty sentence as Unnecessary Shift of Point of View (USPOV). You mentioned the pronoun "them" (plural pronoun), therefore, "his/her" is definitely incorrect (singular pronoun). Just be careful.

not fair

unfair

punishment will shows

will show

which not only making them

make them
niesaysi   
Feb 16, 2014
Essays / Our lives are a journey with regular decision points ; Narrative on moving states [3]

"Okay, time to leave!" my mom said as she placed the last suitcase in the car. The moment she said this, I began to think about the town I was leaving behind, I had spent my whole life in Las Vegas and although happy to move, it was a bit upsetting to think about leaving my family and friends. My stepdad had recently received a job in Maryland and although a nice opportunity for change I could not help but feel a bit somber...

Below are my revisions :
>I began to think about the town I was leaving behind, I had spent my whole life in Las Vegas and although happy to move, it was a bit upsetting to think about leaving my family and friends.

I began to think about the town I was leaving behind - Las Vegas. Although I was happy to move, I was still a bit upset to think about leaving my family and friends. I had spent my whole life in Las Vegas for (how many years?)

>My stepdad stepfather had recently received a job...

Just always remember that in narration, you are "as if telling stories to the children". Thus, it is vital that there should be an element of surprise. Use TIME SIGNALS to greatly connect one point to another. Your ideas here should be chronologically arranged.

but am completely lost! I have no idea how to continue this essay.

Write down all your ideas about the topic. Afterwards, arrange them logically and chronologically. That is the strategy. Please continue your narrative composition even though you feel you're taking the wrong path. We will help you how to improve it.
niesaysi   
Feb 16, 2014
Letters / Letter of Motivation for applying to a Scholarship for Master education [2]

I have found your University website several months ago...
A

According to the researches that I have done about Umeĺ University , the universityUmeĺ University is alive with enthusiasm, creativity and original ideas. UmeĺIt is also known as a large university city...

Umeĺ is known as a large university city where international students are taking part in developing knowledge along with researchers and entrepreneurs, which has attracted my interest a lot to the city itself.

This university attracted my interest for it is known as a large city university where international students are taking part in developing knowledge along with researchers and entrepreneurs.

I have talked to some students who had already been in Umeĺ...
Also by having a look at the interviews conducted with the current students,
Through the data from the interviews conducted by current students,
According to my research, I understood that Umeĺ University has a similar system which is very good because I will be able to learn a lot in each topic step by step. -- Mechanically incorrect, unless there is a comma.

The Umeĺ students that I have met have pointed that people of Umeĺ city are very friendly and helpful.
I met students studying in the university, and they pointed that people of Umea city are friendly and helpful.
I am looking forward to joining Umeĺ University ...

:)
niesaysi   
Feb 15, 2014
Undergraduate / MSc Econometrics - studying in the Netherlands. [2]

Having Being exposed myself to these methods independently..
I will have a strong basis to perform well on the course, given that I have already studied
I continued to supplement my learning through online courses on Coursera.
The potential for extracting useful insight from this data ismay be invigorating.
on high-frequency data interest me greatly; such as the Bayesian Structural Time Series system.. -- Why did you use semi-colon? It is unnecessary. Remove it.

fulfil -- fulfill (spelling)
vice -captain
I have experienced organising large groups...
In closing-- In conclusion --It is more formal to use.
niesaysi   
Feb 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: kindly check my introductory paragraph (hook, etc) [6]

As the saying says, "Mens sana in corpore sano", I agree with this saying that people with a great mind would have a healthy body.

Better present also the English translation of that saying.
Ex. As the saying says, " Mens sana in corpore sano which means...., I agree that people with a great mind would have a healthy body.

Therefore, some people focus on training their brain, while some people prefer getting involved in sports to maintain their healthy life. I omitted it for it is already understood.

schoolchildren sports-- school children

Hope this helps you :)
niesaysi   
Feb 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Home is wherever I am with my family members; PLACE WHERE I AM PERFECTLY CONTENT [6]

It is been always true to the ubiquitous me -- wrong grammar and the word "ubiquitous" is not correctly used.

It is been always true to the ubiquitous me

-- Revise this sentence.

My family and I used to have some activities at front yard to killfulfill some time during weekends.

playing hide-and-seek with barely any shoes on.barefooted.

All the memories, has been the best bits-- All the memories have been the best bits...Remove the comma and change "has" to "have" since the subject is plural.

Now that I am a teenager, I am able to understand that it is his special way to show his love. I know he was trying to make me strong; not depending to anyone perhaps it is a way to protect me from getting injures in the future.
I recalled an incident which my mother received a dreary phone call from my teacher complaining that I had purposely pushed a student down the stairs. No one could have believed me at that moment but not my mother. I remember that my mother didn't claim for any explanation yet she held my hand tightly and I could feel the warmth from my heart flowing through my entire self. From then on, whenever I was about to give up life, an invisible force pushed me to carry on and I believe this incident is a life-lesson that I have to bear in mind.

If the preceding para talks about your past, to achieve a good transition, better make this as another para since you're pointing out changes in the story.
niesaysi   
Feb 15, 2014
Writing Feedback / Toefl - Government should spend money for developing ICT or meeting basic needs of people? [5]

Globally technology- Global technology

Globally technology is ruling world by making tasks much easier and faster.

Global technology has been ruling world through inventions which make tasks much easier and faster.
Although technology has great impact in the development of many countries,
many people believes
can satisfy various basic needs

I discern that acceleration of computer technology can satisfy various basic need of the people as such government must invest money in developing or purchasing computer technology .

I discern that acceleration of computer technology can satisfy various basic needs of the people, so the government must have a goal supporting it and invest money for win win technological development.
niesaysi   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Literature review : Gender inequality in the global economic crisis.... [2]

Professor Senguino--CAPITALIZE it for it is a title.

gendered employment had huge influences on not only developed economies but also developing economies.

gender-based employment had huge influences on not only well-developed but also on developing economies.

Even more, Senguino only concentrated on the negative impacts of economic recession on...

niesaysi   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]

In the final analysis, the problem raised in this essay can be reduced by companies of individuals and governments.
While it is up to the government to reduce numbers of cars and to strictly monitore observation of rules, per family
should not buy more than one car and forbid their children from driving cars when they want just to waste the time
with it.

To conclude, family and government can reduce the usual occurrence of road accidents. The government should heighten the monitoring system. On the other hand, every family should not buy more than one car and forbid their children from driving cars when they just want waste time with it. This way the problem can be stopped.
niesaysi   
Jan 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]

Could you tell me why should be passive sentences, please?

Hi, active sentences are USUALLY preferred to be used, but in that case, you have to consider one importance of passive sentences and that is to HIGHLIGHT the word which has a higher value than other elements in the sentence.

Turning to the data, high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers, presented over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week. However, Fish & Chips come second in all options for average-income people, while high-income people tend to choose Pizza for the second alternative fast food. In the case of low-income people, the expenditure on Pizza as favorable food is 8%.

This paragraph contains several grammatical issues. "Turning the data" is quite informal, thus it would be better off to use "based on the data", for it is more stronger. Moreover,the highlighted words are considered to be redundant. The italic part is considered to be misplaced modifier. Try to place it nearer to the one it modifies. :))
niesaysi   
Jan 26, 2014
Undergraduate / UT Austin Transfer Essay - Switching majors/being undeclared/finding direction [3]

The age old question, we've all heard at one point (or several points) in our lives.

-- There's no need to put a comma in this sentence. Omit it.Also, avoid contraction (we've).

This question, at a glance, seemingly simple,

This question,at a glance, is seemingly simple and holds...

...when it's no longer used amid small talk, and when you're no longer in grade school.

I wish I could say that I was the type of person who had always known exactly what I wanted to do with my future ever since I was a little girl.

I wish I could say that I were the type of person who knows exactly what I would want to do with my future ever since I was a little girl.
niesaysi   
Jan 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]

However, Fish & Chips come second in all options for average-income people, while high-income people tend to choose Pizza for the second alternative fast food. In the case of low-income people, the expenditure on Pizza as favorable food is 8%.

On the other hand, Fish & Chips comes second as a choice of both average and low-income people, while Pizza is chosen by people with high income as their second alternative fast food.
niesaysi   
Jan 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]

Turning to the data, high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers, presented over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week.

Based on the data , instead of turning to the data

However, Fish & Chips comes second..

Turning to the data, high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers, presented over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week.

Based on the data, it is presented that high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers with over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week.
niesaysi   
Jan 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]

To begin with, the high number of vehicles, which now is making traffic jams on crossroads are making people get
nervous, clogging people to get to their definitions on time.

The highlighted transitional word is inappropriate to be used as a start for your into.To begin an essay is not one of the functions of transitional words.

the high number of vehicles, which now is making traffic jams on crossroads are making people get
nervous, clogging people to get to their definitions on time...

The rapid increase of vehicles truly causes traffic jams. As a result, people rush themselves in a way they drive their cars very speedily just to reach their destination on

time, which usually results to serious road accidents.

niesaysi   
Jan 22, 2014
Letters / LETTER TO A COUSIN; Directed writing O levels English [6]

I was greatly pleased with your wise suggestion last time, it really solved my tensions.

I was greatly pleased because of your great suggestion last time. It really relieved my tensions.

You are the only one whom I am telling this as I think you being my close cousin and friend understands me better than others and would provide me with a feasible solution.

Ahmed is one my great friends at school...

Ahmed is one my great friend at school and we enjoy great time together both at school and at home, as he is also my neighbor.

Ahmed is my neighbor and one of my best friends. We enjoy great time together both at school and at home.

We also have the same bus for transportation.

We also have the same bus service.

It all began this Monday, when have sat down on my seat in the bus.

It all began this Monday when he sat down on my seat in the bus.

I used to me first and sit on that seat daily but that day Ahmed managed to be earlier.

I used to sit first on that seat daily but that day Ahmed managed to be earlier.

I asked him to leave it but he turned a deaf ear to me and in my fury I used abusive word for him as well as I tried to grab him by his collar.

I asked him to leave it but he seemed deaf to me and due to my insistence, I uttered harsh words to him and tried to grab his collar.
niesaysi   
Jan 22, 2014
Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin college; Something goes unnoticed [3]

When I was in 8th grade I lost my best friend since five years old to suicide, this is where my life drastically changed.

When I was in 8th grade, I lost my best friend because she committed suicide and it was the point where my life drastically changed.

This gave me a characteristic that is lacked now a day, and that is leadership.

This occurrence honed my leadership skill.

After having a successful season of football during my 8th grade year, I was appointed...

I underwent three surgeries due to complications, resulting in me sitting out of athletics.

I underwent three surgeries due to complications resulting to sitting me out from athletics.
niesaysi   
Jan 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Who should care for the elders? [7]

[/i]

Hey.... you should upload your diagram with the help of "Attach file(s)" feature you find in the Message block. Without seeing your diagram it is difficult for us to comment on what you have written.

That's right.
While waiting for the diagram, I already rectified some grammatical mistakes.


However, in countries such as the U.K. there are old age homes for the elderly to be taken care of by employed care-takers and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are public and the government pays for caring the aged.

However, in countries such as U.K, there are old age homes allotted for the elderly and these are taken care of by employed stewards and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are subsidized by the government.

Considering citizens of a country serve it in various areas and enable a nation's upliftment, I think it is imperative for the government to play an active role in helping them in their hour of need.

In my point of view, it is imperative for the government to help those people who are in need.

Also,the government receives taxes and must utilize it for a better lifestyle for people of all ages, especially the old. Having said that, family members of the aged individuals, who stay in homes, must ensure that they pay required money to the care centres as it is their primary duty to look after family elders.

[In addition, the government funds should be utilized in a way all people will experience a better lifestyle, especially the old. Furthermore, those relatives of the aged should do their duty upon paying the required money needed to fulfill all the primary necessities in the care centres.
niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Graduate / compressed sensing and robust statistics; Electrical and Computer Engineering [3]

Professor AAAAA who is the one of the experts in both fields

I am also fascinated by the research of Professor GGGG on compressive spectral imaging because I would like to extend my research on compressed sensing to spectral imaging systems.

-- Redundant.

Inspired by the research of Professor GGGG, I would like to extend my research on compressed sensing to spectral imaging systems.

Therefore, I strongly believe that the guidance from the processor and excellent research environment will provideme a great opportunity to be a successful researcher.

niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Scholarship / What could my school do to better promote diversity? [4]

So let's start off with what diversity is .

-- Poor introductory sentence:(. Don't start your essay through this way.. Better give the definition of the term diversity.

Well , diversity involves being accepting and have respect .I

Diversity involves acceptance and respect.

It means being accepting about the fact that every individual is unique , and accepting our individual differences .This can include race ,ethnicity ,gender, age, religious beliefs ,physical abilities and so on .Basically diversity gives a reason to understand one another

It only means that we ought to accept and respect the concept of individual differences in terms of race, ethnicity, gender,age, beliefs, etc.
niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Graduate / Strong motivation,Professional work experience &Analytical aptitude; SOP-MS in CSE/Canada [3]

My ever increasing interest in automation and logics helped me a lot to choose an undergraduate course with distinction.

-- Great sentence!! :)

to find and learn something new or find something new

DuringTaking this course helped me I gotto get opportunities tolike attending several workshops, two of them were related to quadrupeds that even enhanced my interest for automation.

I had a six- week training...

These days I amwas handling company's standard implementation products that involvesd

niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Undergraduate / MOTIVATION LETTER - Business Economics offered by Ghent University [2]

With this letter, I would like to express my strong interest ...

This programme is a prestigious opportunity...

This programme is a prestigious opportunity for me to enrich my knowledge as well as a solid step towards my goal of becomeing an economics professor.

Moreover, living in an international environment is an essential opportunity for me to broaden my horizon,for I will meet people from different countries, and learn about their cultures, and also I will take my chancesit as an advantage to see how my field of interest is handled in a well-developed country. It'sThis will lead me towards my personal and academic enrichment.

The Kingdom of Belgium is my first choice as a foreign country for my study because it is a highly developed and safe country with good quality education standard. which is one of the best in the world.

Located at the heart of Europe,It will give me the opportunity to live and work ...

After searching the information on Internet, I know that Ghent University is not only recognized as one of the best university in Belgium, but also the high quality of education that offers with the suitable tuition fee for students from developing countries like me.

-- like you? I think what you meant isyour country.
niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Graduate / I was challenged by the lack of simple answers; MSW at NYU [2]

Do I give this street kid money and help her eat today, but possibly help perpetuate a system which is preventing the government from creating real change that could lift this kid's life, and the lives of thousands of others like her, out of poverty?

Could I possibly perpetuate a system which is preventing the government from creating real change for the lives of thousands of street children, out of poverty?

Peace Corps taught me how to reflect on my role as a change agent, and on how to carefully consider how my identity and basic assumptions about the world influence my work, which is a skill I hope to keep honing throughout my career and through my social work education.

Peace Corps taught me how to reflect on my role as a change agent. It helped me to carefully consider how my identity and basic assumptions about the world influence my work, which is a skill that I keep on honing throughout my career and through my social work education.

Working with Julie, my supervisor at IRC, cementedstrengthened my desire to become a social worker.

they were desperately poor, --impoversihed -- It sounds better.
niesaysi   
Jan 18, 2014
Undergraduate / "Rewards"; MY KALAMAZOO SUPP - favorite childhood book and why [2]

..from my aunt forduring my 7th birthday...

The other storyfrom the book that really fascinated me and I would read frequently as I grew older was "Evan's corner" by Elizabeth Starr Hill from the book .

I remember me demanding a separate room for myself after reading the story.

to a 10- year old girl.

However, I didn't know how to take care of it and,so the goldfish died very soon.

-- Inappropriate conjunction. Instead of using "and", use "so" since you stated about what happened to the goldfish.

As a result, I decided to bring a new goldfish and take care of it properly.

-- I add that transition word to better connect your idea from the preceding sentence.
niesaysi   
Jan 18, 2014
Undergraduate / Emergency Department Academic Associate Research Volunteer Essay [2]

..to explore a different areas..

with more experienced in the profession -- with people who are highly experienced in the profession

In this program I will be able to observe while being to communicate and interact with patients and be able to contribute to research studies.

This sounds better: In this program ,I can have a chance to observe appropriateness on how to communicate with patients and be able to contribute to research studies.

While volunteering I got a chance to observe and hear about how visitors feel about the hospital care and also got to see when patients were done recovering they would come back and give thanks to the medical staff.

While volunteering, I can actually observe the implications of hospital care toward the visitors. Additionally, I can also see how the patients can recover and become thankful to the medical staff.
niesaysi   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for a Fashion Management (BA) course [2]

Standing in the line behind an American woman at McDonald's.

This is a fragment. Make it a sentence ; there should be a subject and a verb.

She's wearing those jeans,you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says 'GUESS'.

... the accessories you wear with it describes you...

I enjoyed experimenting, with all kinds of clothes...

Fashion is a sort of runs in my family.

Her designs includes natural fibres and vibrant colors.

The reason for my, this decision was that I wanted...

2yrs --spelled out

the pattern - making of clothes
niesaysi   
Jan 14, 2014
Undergraduate / I want my education back\ prompt about diversity [2]

From the amazing Arecaceae trees flowering its branches to the turquoise diamond clear sea.

-- phrase, not a sentence. Put a verb to complete its idea.

The most important thing I learned was honesty, my school encouraged people with kind traits and occasionally gave awards to those who embodied it, and I was one of them.

-- The sentence has two ideas, so it turns to be ambiguous. You may either have to put an appropriate conjunction or make it into two sentences.

..about the students' needs...

I was put in a class of 30 students, juggled between classrooms, teachers not caring about the students needs made it even harder to get the sought after value from the course of a normal school day.

I was put in a class of 30 students,juggled between classrooms. Likewise, teachers did not even care about the students' needs and the value of a normal school day.

Everything that I had learned, I learned by myself

I learned everything all by myself.

I needed guidance, but couldn't find it.

I sought for guidance, but I could not unfortunately found it.

I believe guiding myself has taught me fundamental understanding of myself and the world in which I live in.

-- Great idea!
I believe that through self-reliance, I have learned the fundamental understanding of myself and the world in which I live in.

I believe that I can contribute to the University of CU-Boulder by through the many positive traits which I have gained from growing up in various settings.

--Another excellent idea!
niesaysi   
Jan 14, 2014
Graduate / Motivation letter for the entry of Master in Supply Chain Management and Logistics at UM [2]

Will have graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration of ECUPL, I am faced with two ways: to find a job or to further my education.

After gaining the degree of Bachelor of Business Administration, I pondered as to what I would take for, whether I will find a job or further my educational experience.

With the Internship experiences at two world biggest companies, I findfound that it's easy to get a job but hard to get promoted to my ideal career in the future only with a bachelor degree.

That's why I declined the job offers of my two internship companies and decided to applyavail the MSc program of UM.

When I worked as intern at ITOCHU Corporation, we faces unexpected events every day..

-- Avoid unnecessary shift of tense
When I worked as intern at ITOCHU Corporation, I faced..

I find found that it is always those who are with professional knowledge about supply chain and logistics could solve the problem more efficiently and made the final deal. It has been my dream to become those kinds of employees in my future company.

Therefore, I would like to extend my educational background with a master degree of supply chain management to gain the skills and qualifications needed to face out all the challenges and unexpected events during my future working life.

-- Good sentence! . It's better to place this in your intro , for it is your purpose
niesaysi   
Jan 12, 2014
Scholarship / Learning SPANISH; Subjects in which you excel [3]

This one doesn't follow the structure of an essay.

Your essay should comprise an introduction, body, and conclusion. Please apply it. Also, always remember that a good essay should possess these three elements: unity, coherence , and emphasis.

The many different cultures that have derived throughout the history of the human race interested me at a young age.

Different cultures manifested in the history of the human race interested me at a very young age.

Please visit several essays posted by your co- EFmembers. Read them. Definitely, you can get more ideas on how to write an essay:)

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