Writing Feedback / magnificent historical buildings should not be destroyed: protection by law [2]

... while others say that it only consumes the place of new ones and they should immediately be knocked down to build more houses or offices.

First of all, historical buildings con not be treated as normal structures. Because, t These buildings carry the memories of past, such as glories of that nation.

Secondly, these structures can be used as tourist attraction sites. By restoring them, they can be used as successful tourist sites which will raise the economy of the nation and increase the culture as well as giving good impressions to other nations by protecting these magnificent structures.

On the other hand, people who support knocking down historical buildings have some advantages.

Firstly they want these structures to be destroyed and replaced new modern ones. By replacing these buildings, government can build offices to provide work for unemployed people, which will increase the power of labour force. Also by demolishing them you can gain more place to built houses, parks or other places

In conclusion, in my opinion the magnificent historical buildings should not be destroyed for such silly reasons. These buildings are only the remaining evidence of our past and destroying them will lead to unavoidable mistakes.

I agree! Nice essay! Good luch in school!

: )

Scholarship / "Describe your career and educational goal" - Need help on my scholarship [4]

What is it that you're most passionate about, what do you see yourself doing 5 years from now? What peaked your interest, what have you done towards that so far, and what do you plan to do to reach your goal? How would that particular school fit in exactly with your plans?

: )

Letters / Query letter for agent/publisher [4]

This is a great essay, I could only find a couple minor things to point ouit:

It's not a matter of whether people buy New Age and self-help books, but instead the question is how to capitalize on the varied subcategories that fall under the mind-body-spirit banner.

Potential sequels to the {series title} line of magick books include, but are not limited to: {several titles}.

Good luck with your book!

: )

Graduate / Photographic preservation graduate school 500word essay [5]

Working as sound operator for Charlie's documentary, Quiet M onsters, I once again had the chance to watch up-close, the work of...

With passion and determination, I feel that I'm ready to enter the renowned class of...

My primary aspiration in life is to obtain a master's degree in photographic preservation & collections management and, ultimately, become a curator at one of the world's famous art...

Poetry / "On this autumn day" - My concrete poem along with the description [2]

I like your poem!

The speaker (no comma here) is observing the last maple leaf lingering on its branch despite the strength of the wind, ...

For instance, she does not say the angry wind or I hate the wind for trying to knock the leaf off the branch .

One of the literary devices I used was repetition, "maple leaf" to focus the attention on the maple leaf from time to time.

Hyperbole was also used, "Powerful as Hercules," to underline the leaf's consistency in hanging on to the branch.

The theme of my poem is that everything has a purpose.

The maple leaf is trying to fight off the wind to stay onto the branch.

After a few days it realized why it should fall-the mulch will give nutrients to the soil which will help beautiful flowers bloom in the spring, as in "Was reminded why it fell:/To flourish new life."

...complaining about all the "bad" things occurring in our lives, we should be optimistic about believing that they happened to open new doors for us.

Undergraduate / Page 87 of your autobiography - VCU Essay ('Remember me') [2]

What a great essay! You're a very good writer!

The feeling of holding that camera for the first time came back to me, then I remembered trying to figure out all of the controls, and then I remembered the joyous feeling of having a camera that I knew was mine.

Even though it was a regular digital camera, it was small enough to go with me everywhere I went, and it captured the moments that I wanted to remember in detail.

It became a part of me. I used my camera for every occasion - for birthdays, for holidays, for special outings, for school plays, and outings with friends.

It seems like there should be one more sentence at the end, something that has to do with 'remember me'. I really like your essay. Good luck in school!

Graduate / Admission Essay For Financial Engineering Masters Program [3]

Your essay is coming out very well, you're a great writer! I just found a few minor things;

I handled all projects, Service Level Agreements and even negotiation with the clients .

Even though I find Corporate Finance very interesting, I know that this...

I reviewed statistics, learned how to use Minitab, programming in C++ and took also Linear Algebra and Differential Equations. I also took very intensive tutor...I crossed out those words to make the sentences flow better, as you have written 'also took' in the next sentence.

... our derivatives market and products should also be completely different, which as of now, they are not.

I also believe the recent expansion of the program by an additional semester is something that will improve my profile as a graduate.
Also, the location is pretty convenient for me as it will be closer to home than other universities.

Your faculty seems to me to be made up of the right mixture of practitioners and researchers...

I have heard some impressive names as Constantinos Kardaras, Zvi Bodie and Jerome Detemple. you should work this into the next sentence, specifying whose D. S. class you're referring to.

Graduate / Individual presentation for Master of Science in Software Engineering [3]

Your essay is shaping up nicely, though I did find a few small things to correct;

Since my childhood days, I have been interested in anything related to science & technology.

In high school when the computer teacher asked me why I want to study Computer Science, my answer was "because it is an amazing and very interesting area...

My own sphere of special interest in the field of Computer Science is comprised of the connection between Software Project Management and Software Development.

I have to say that this area of research is very interesting and challenging because you always try to handle problems you come across...

I look forward to finalizing my thesis and writing a scientific paper regarding the work done and the conclusions derived.

I am almost at the end of my Bachelor's degree being highly recommended and having 7.6/10 GPA. Admittedly, my own life-long goal is to be a professional software project manager and the (master degree) program I have chosen, is not an accidental choice of mine but has been made after serious thought.

Thank you in advance for considering my application. It would be a great honor to be given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.

Graduate / Relationship with co-workers / personal values strain - essay for Evening MBA UW [2]

Your essay is coming along fine, though I did find a few things;

My high levels of expectations coupled with inadequate people skills had caused a severe strain between us.Nicely said!

Making my colleague the best addition to the team was what I had envisioned.

This anticipation exerted unintended pressure on him making it difficult for him to reach his objectives.
Giving support and encouragement to make him excel at his current position was one choice.

We spent two productive months meeting once a week after work to discuss his interests and aspirations to find a suitable role.

So, while working with them, we need to be sure not to either overburden them or to under utilize their abilities. Moreover, anind ividual's contribution varies based on their potential...

Undergraduate / UCF Honors-What in my life made me who I am today? [2]

The essay doesn't actually answer the prompt, as your grandfathers injury did not make you who you are today, only helped you make a decision about your future. Maybe you could use the essay later though, so I still went through it;

Your essay makes it sound as if, prior to your grandfather's injury, you never thought of going into health care. While that may actually be the case, you might want to say that you have always had an interest, but this incident helped you decide for certain that it is what you want to do with your life.

Connected to all sorts of fluid-filled tubes and buzzing machinery, the man looks back at me with eyes filled with fear and anguish.

All I could offer were comforting touches and soothing words.

I strained to understand each procedure, each blood test, and each different type of medicine that the nurses would administer, wondering what they were doing.This sounds like the NURSES were wondering what they were doing. :)

I want to offer the sincere ...(maybe 'compassionate' would be a better word) care that many of the nurses ...

Prior to this event, I had been uncertain as to what my future would hold .

Now I have placed a goal in front of myself , the extra push to launch myself onto a winning road of determination.

Undergraduate / Essay on a Personal Experience relevant to Psychology: [4]

I really like the term, 'agony aunt'! I've never heard that before. Your essay is coming out fine, but here are a few things I found;

Ever since I was a young girl, I have been happy to help my friends and family under any circumstance.

...Conformity, Cognitive Bias and Simulation Theory as well as the Nature vs. Nurture Controversy were mentioned only briefly, without any in-depth information.

My curiosity got the better of me and I started researching on multiple theories with the internet as my guide .

It was remarkable to analyze my friend's tendencies to perform better when under the eyes of others.

Their beliefs, attitudes, tastes and preferences were altered when they were amongst a group of people, either by direct social pressure or subtle unconscious influences.

To conclude, I believe that the Psychology program at the B.A. level at NUS is highly prestigious, diverse and extensive.

I know that I will be bestowed with the correct and intellectual way of learning the multifarious forms of Psychology under the guidance of the esteemed teachers at NUS.

Please take out the words 'bestowed' and 'multifarious', as they make your essay seem like you are trying way too hard to impress the reader by keeping a thesaurus next to you. Also, I think that for 'bestowed', it would have to say something like, "...has been bestowed upon me".

Research Papers / the role played by the officer to a homocide scene - question clarification [2]

Yeah, this is a tough one!

PART ONE
discuss the role played by the first responding officer/s to a homicide scene --- spend a few paragraphs doing this. You know what this means, so just paraphrase your text book and cite it.

PART TWO
and [discuss] the role of the primary investigator upon notification to respond and assume case responsibility. This sounds like the sort of thing that has a section of your text book dedicated to it. What is the primary investigator supposed to do when s/he is notified of a case?

Search that text book! Answer both questions :-)

Graduate / "fascination of being an engineer" - SOP for corrections [3]

Since my boyhood I always had a fascination with the work of engineers. In my high school I had been...

... and technology and study business after that.

But it was my teacher who trusted my ability in speech, and he gave me a further chance to do well. ..

Life and study in my graduation taught me many things among which are: ability to think quickly, problem solving skills, ability to analyze things with different perspectives, team work, Leadership, to remain calm and do better under pressure, among others. --- excellent, this is very powerful! You are an impressive communicator.

Meeting new people, interacting and learning things from strangers -- these are the experiences to which I am naturally drawn.

Scholarship / Multicultural Scholarship and how I helped the community. [4]


This paragraph needs more sentences. It needs a few examples, too. Right now it is incomplete. Write about diversity in terms of globalization, communication technology, and ethics.

Here is a run on sentence, but I can fix it with a semi-colon:
The new student knew only Spanish, so I took it upon myself to tutor him every morning; h e soon knew almost fluent English and passed all of his first semester classes.

Google this to make sure you understand:
correct use of semi-colon

Apart from doing that community service I also helped everyone communicate with him, and see the true person behind his challenge in the language.

Don't forget, you can sign up for something right now and write about community service you are currently involved with!

Looks like you still need a paragraph about your philosophy (#5)

Book Reports / Cyrano De Bergerac and Roxane Essay [5]

The first sentence needs work:
The word love has many different interpretations in print and Cyrano De Bergerac is no exception taking a deviant approach to it.---- no exception to the rule of it having different interpretations... but Cyrano's interpretation is not "many different." You can write:

The word love has many different interpretations in print, and Cyrano De Bergerac represents an example of one of the strangest interpretations of all.


Yes, but does this make her most manipulative or just the most destructive? I think you need to add the word "manipulative" to your description of why you choose her.

Your paragraphs are very long. It is easier to read them if they are shorter. For each idea, use a new paragraph with its own topic sentence. You write very well, though! Please help some other people here in the forum if you have time.

That last paragraph does not reflect on the thesis statement. It tells what happened. I think you should come up with a few excellent sentences that express the supremacy of Roxanne's manipulation. Stay focused on that question of who is most manipulative.

Book Reports / thesis statement for "the count of monte cristo" theme essay [5]

Yes, getting better for sure.

I see what you mean about satisfaction...


So, your main point is the fact that nobody else enjoyed the revenge? Is that really your main idea?

Oh... I just realized I am familiar with the story! Um... is it too obvious to observe that no one else enjoyed it other than him? Is that meaningful? If not, what is it that makes his vengeance meaningful and unique?

You can try this technique:

Write a paragraph about a scene, and discuss it thoughtfully.
Repeat that process for 5 paragraphs
Go back and write an intro with a thesis statement based on whatever observations you made while writing those paragraphs.

It is a great trick. :-)

Essays / Human Relations class: Your view on this introduction [4]

This can be a classic five paragraph essay.


This can serve as the thesis statement, expressed in the first paragraph.

The other three parts can each have a paragraph dedicated to them. Then, add a thoughtful conclusion paragraph at the end.

There are a few career aspirations I have after graduation from college. One goal is to become certified as a medical coder and work in a hospital.

It is redundant to say "my skills I possess"
In this role my the personal strengths, knowledge, skills and behaviors I possess that will maximize my talents and effective intrapersonal and interpersonal communication are imperative to crucial for my future success.

I don't think that use of "imperative" was quite right...

:-)

Scholarship / A career in Urban Redevelopment Authority (URA) [3]

have always been enjoying building things.--- This is a little awkward. How about this:
have always enjoyed building things.

The first sentence of the essay is a lot for the reader to pay attention to all at once. If I had a long sentence like that in my intro, I would try to precede it with a short, quick sentence to capture the reader's attention.

opportunities that makes--- this seems awkward, but you were correct to write it this way:


But even though it is correct, it sounds awkward. Try this:
URA scholarship would provide a wide range of opportunities that empower me at this early stage of my career path.

Nice job... great clarity and organization, great topic sentences...

Granted I would strive to make the most of my four years in university to explore the endless possibilities that would prepare me well for the working world. I believe that, By giving me an opportunity to be a part of an excellent team shaping the Singapore's urban landscape, URA will hav e invested its shares into the kind of human capital that plays an important role in transforming Singapore into one of Asia's premier global cities .

Research Papers / Research Proposal and Using Instrument not been Validated or Tested Reliable. [7]

I pilot test helps, for sure. Other ways to establish reliability and validity can also help.
google this: Validating Research Instruments

If the instrument is designed based on the research questions, that helps to establish validity.

Why do you like it so much? Your reason for liking it might have some usefulness for establishing validity.

What is the instrument?

Scholarship / A scholarship to study Regional Planning, help in an essay to Master Program [3]


So, the solution is to try to say what you want to say in fewer words. Like this:

When I look out the window in the bus on my way to work and see my town being built up, all I see is contradiction. I see historical areas being ruined by unprofessional work; lots of people living in creeks on the banks of a polluted river resigned to live with this lifestyle and no chance of overcoming;denial from a few people who live in the tops of the new residential towers of San Salvador (the capital of my country)... I see all of this is my every day panorama, and I feel a determined desire to change it.

This is great writing! I think you will impress them with this. I'll tell you how to know what parts can be cut:
Ask yourself what your main goals are with this essay. What effect do you want to have on the reader? Answer that question, and then look for the paragraphs that do not serve your purpose. If they are not relevant to the main purpose, cut them!

Research Papers / Mass deportation, a proposal that has both advocates and critics [5]

You write so well! However, the biggest problem I notice is that your topic sentences are not clear.
Google "topic sentences" to se examples of good ones. They give the main idea of the paragraph.

In one paragraph, the topic sentence is this:
I do not believe that mass deportation is the solution to illegal immigration . --- this is the main idea of the essay not the paragraph.

And it is followed by this: Another reason mas deportation is a bad idea is t hat this measure will take much too long to be achieved.---- this is a better topic sentence for the paragraph.

For structure: When you give your 3 reasons in the intro paragraph, it makes me expect that one paragraph will be used for explaining each reason. Identify each with a topic sentence that reiterates the reason.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Parental Mishaps: Compare/Contrast Essay of my mom and dad [4]


This is the wrong way to use "apply." The right way would be like this:

As a general rule, people's parents tend to be close in age. To my parents, however, this rule does not apply.

For instance, my father has very blonde hair and used to be a true toe-head while my mom has very dark brown, almost black, hair.---- this is not a good way to end the first paragraph. When you write an essay, the last sentence of the first paragraph will linger in the reader's mind for a while and give an impression of what the essay is all about. Don't mention hair color in the intro para. Use the intro para to make the most important point of the whole essay... the main idea.

Your topic sentences are great!! Google "topic sentences" to review them and see how great yours are.

You need to develop your thesis for the essay. Add more sentences to that conclusion, and replace that last sentence of the first paragraph with a thesis statement that tells the main idea, the most important message of the essay. It should be fun to write the thesis statement! It is a way to express yourself.

Speeches / the difference between my undergraduate life and graduate life [3]

Great corrections, Michelin. Huoer, I see that Michelin aded the word "studies" to one part. I was thinking that it could be fixed this way:

...life in my graduate years is very different from that during my undergraduate years, which mostly reflects on the following aspects. Firstly, ...

Either way is fine, but it seems incomplete the way you had it.

This needs a semi-colon:
Firstly, relationships with both classmates and teachers changes; now we are more like colleges and partners, we need to play teamwork with each other.

:-)

Essays / Party time - dullest party in teenage history [9]

To throw a successful party, one needs to have good music.

Use a comma to separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence:
Dance music is a must at any party because everybody likes to hit the dance floor and have a good time. --- You can use this INSTEAD OF the first sentence, because it says the same thing in a more detailed way. You don't need both.

... but it seems like I went to an over 60 women party.--- what does this part mean? Did you suddenly start talking about the dull party? If so, you should introduce the idea:

Dance music is a must at any party because everybody likes to hit the dance floor and have a good time. However, one party I attended had no music, and it felt like a party for senior citizens.

That way is clearer, but I think it might not be good to say the party is dully by equating it with a party for old people. I know some senior citizens that really know how to party!

:-)

Graduate / Petroleum +Environmental Engineering, renewable energy, project management - SOP [4]

The second one is very impressive! I admire your reasons for being interested in this field.

My dream is maximizing renewable energy which can be produced from unlimited sources, in ways that are economically and environmental friendly, so everyone can take benefit from it.

Realizing --- has triggered
Realizing that energy is very important to humanity has triggered my desire to study mechanical engineering in the most prestigious university in Indonesia: University of Indonesia.

My interest to renewable energy has led me to take "Flow Calculation of Friction Factor in Square-Noryl Duct" as my

I consider myself well-suited to study in Heriot-Watt University because I'm young, energetic, smart working, visionary and motivated person who believes that I can do something to benefit my country in future.

You should go comment on some people's essays via the "Unanswered" list, and ask them to look at your 3rd and fourth essay. People often use this forum by giving some help and then asking the person they helped to return the favor. You write very well!!!

Letters / I applied for a position with you company X; Letter on Project Initiatives [2]

In 2005, I applied for a position with your company, X.

In 2006, you contacted me about a position, for which I was qualified.
However, I had already accepted a position at Company Y.

Currently, I am an independent certified PMP and Axapta consultant and a results oriented Deployment Leader/Project Manager providing successful solutions ...(to what?) and commited to getting results through strong team leadership and sound project management.

I have an excellent record of delivering quality (work?), on schedule and within budget. projects.

I am requesting a 10-15 minute call with you to discuss how my qualifications including project management, deployment leadership and Axapta knowledge could be the right fit for your initiatives.

Poetry / Baby Doll, Phenomenal Woman - Comparing and contrasting two poems [3]

Google this:
compare contrast alternating opposing essay

The thesis statement should say something about the relationship between the two poems. It almost does not matter what observation you make about the relationship, as long as you make one!

:-)

Graduate / SOP for Process System Engineering in UK schools [5]

I think you should definitely tell about your father! You could say something like, "my father is a great example of what this scholarship can do, as he ...." Just a few sentences.

:)

Graduate / SOP for Process System Engineering in UK schools [5]

As I grew older and dismantled more sophisticated items, like my radio and electromotive train engine, my parents knew I was...

There, my supervisor always lectured me on the Production Process of Crude Oil, along side corrosion mitigation in pipelines which my department focused on.

That was when the name 'Process Systems' gave birth to my chosen career.

The DCS was a major influence in my choice, to do a Numerical Computation course and the final year research thesis in process control,...

I wish to further my research on the Optimal Operation of installed industrial equipment, which will require...

The desire still burns alive today, as I am presently working as a Trainee Process Engineer in a Nigerian Oil Serving Firm.

... I wish to obtain a higher level qualification from a top ranking University with an International reputation, where I can improve...

My Father is an excellent example of a product of this scheme.This really doesn't belong in the essay, unless there's more to say about him. Has he influenced you? Are you following in his footsteps?

...resource training, management and financing as well as technical and realistic methods to totally harness my nation's abundant source of reservoir gas for human consumption.'Human consumption' usually means eating!

Scholarship / "I excelled in my STPM exam" - NTU scholarship application [4]

Your essay is interesting and well written! I just found a few things;

For fifteen years, I had been living in my comfort zone and pampered by my parents.

I used to be a self-centered and lazy person that relied on others to get things done.
I think that after this sentence, (above) you should write a transition sentence, leading to the next subject. Something like, .."then, something happened that would change my way of thinking".

I can still recall the tears I shed, for I had disappointed my teachers, teammates, as well as myself for screwing up in the National...

I was haunted by disgrace and humiliation as I had put all my teammate's efforts to waste.

I took all the blame that was pointed at me.

After this incident, I realized that life is not easy, there's...

I also learned how to work as part of a team.

That incident helped me realize that success can only be obtained through hard work and sheer determination.

Two years after that incident, I was destined to return to the competition. That year we were given another chance...

Writing Feedback / American Government "Paper" Concerning the Constitution... [3]

During the drafting of the United States Constitution, the legislating delegates were faced with solving several dilemmas, including...
In resolving some of these issues, several compromises were made...

While the issue of whether to establish a Supreme Court only, or to create lower courts as well, was solved by...

To maintain equal state representation in the National government, the Connecticut Compromise offered a system...I took out the quotation marks, in case that was an accident. :)

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

Why do you feel that Pitzer will be less judgmental or homophobic? If you want to be a student and political activist, why not start where they seem to need it more? And why were you locking yourself in your room there and why will you not do it at Pitzer?

I will contribute my passion for learning in an intimate environment, and be eager to show off the quirky and philosophical nerd I am.

I will always pursue paths in life that will feed me more power to change the world in a positive way.

As "You fag!" diffuses throughout my mind,...I don't think 'diffuses' is the right word here. Maybe 'fades from'?

Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Our epic philosophical debates ignited my passion to constantly challenge what I truly believe. You shouldn't say 'truly' if your beliefs are subject to change.

She made herself available to help me and answer my questions, ...

The thrill of one day answering my own questions and understanding material reality is the root of my success.

Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300 Characters):[/b] You don't answer either question!;

In the progressive and free-thinking environment I dream of,....

I am determined to improve and grow as a reader as I now open a book excited to flee my thoughts and enter another world. (?)

Undergraduate / 'Attending summits' - Georgetown Summer School Program [8]

I have attended summits- People to People Leadership Summit, National Youth Leadership Forum in Medicine- where I was fortunate enough to be in the company of those whose interests were similar to mine .

At these summits, I learned how to utilize my inner voice and gained insight into real-life situations.You should elaborate on this.

By attending a program as extensive and intense such as Georgetown's, I would build...

At the Georgetown program, I would work diligently and ardently, because in this case, I would be able to dedicate myself to the subject of my choice.

Essays / Greek mythology, writing The Introduction Paragraph [3]

That is some great advice from Brooke. It is the kind of advice that can provide some inspiration, which is probably what you need.

Do you have any desire to say anything about the parts of Greek mythology your material covers? You need to get yourself interested! Right now, I am motivated to write this post, because I am interested in that spark of inspiration that is necessary in order for any writing to get done. So, I have something to say.

Your job now is to sit with the data and read it in an alert state of mind, really enjoying the stories and insights. When you notice some sort of theme or truth about life, you are ready to write with a purpose. Decide what insight you want to share with your essay.

Writing Feedback / should or should not schools create single sex education [3]

Plus, it was difficult to ask girls out from another school because long distance relationships don't always work out.

From my experiences, a single sex school will work out better than a normal school.Is this what you meant to say? In the next sentence, you say there is NO benefit!

(I think the town should not build single sex schools because there is no benefit to the students both on education and life.)

This sentence below seems to be missing the word "not"
This town should not create same-sex high schools because single sex education would not benefit the students or cause any significantly better outcomes than those achieved in co-ed environments. In 2000, the statistics from Single-Sex Education discovered that girls from such schools did not show academic improvement.

This is a great argument! I hope you will divide it into paragraphs, though. Use a different paragraph for every point you want to make.

Scholarship / OAS academic scholarship essay - 5-year plan to bring about change in your field [2]

The idea behind this project is to renew and modernize Arg entine sociology, dismantled in past decades by authoritarian regimes and also tainted excessively with localism, and give a decisive boost towards the formation of a globally oriented social research center. This would be much clearer if you divide it into two sentences.

It also means utilizing new research tools and analytical frameworks...

... for advancing social science research, particularly in the fields I believe will be crucial for Argentina in the next decades: the return of populist politics, the formation of new social movements, new ways of collective violence and an ever increasing social inequality. Should this say something like, "new way of 'combating' violence and inequality"?

First, is building a body of professors comitted to academic excellence .

Second, to establish key research areas on current and emergent issues. Finally, to foster the exchange...

Within five years of its implementation, the first group of students would have obtained their degrees.

I intend to do this by challenging myself and in return challenge others as well.

Poetry / sense of touch and sense of smell [6]

It seems like it should be ten frosty fingers,...but...are thumbs fingers?

When I first read the 2 versions of your poem, I thought, "cold as death" was good there, making me think of spring and rebirth. Then I realized what a difference in the whole poem without that line, and liked it much better. Now I can't decide.

Great writing, though!

Scholarship / Intro for scholarship essay :My chosen field of study is English...because [2]

It eventually became my best friend, in which I shared all my secrets, opinions and thoughts, that just couldn't be otherwise expressed. I took the liberty of adding that word. :)

As I began to write, more and more I become more articulate, more profound and more honest.

...and on the first page of my burgundy covered 500 page notebook, I wrote about my dream to become a writer.

Well, it looks like you've chosen the right course of study, you are such an expressive writer. I look forward to reading the rest of your essay.

Scholarship / "Role in America" (advice,opinions, suggestions needed) [2]

Nice essay, but I did find a few things;

I had lesson plans laid out, flash cards, stickers, and most importantly the desire to educate them in hopes that they would experience a profound sense of academic enlightenment. This is so great!

Although I was only nine at that time, I had envisioned the day...

I eventually realized the meaning of being a Peacemaker, a recognition that I received every year in elementary school.

From my friends up to strangers, I willingly devote my attention and time to listening to each individual's story.

Communicating with people on a personal level,provides me with insight on existing...

I know that my love for inspiring people, will serve as my candle, lighting the positive differences that I hope to make in the lives of others.