Scholarship / Why do you want to be a member of City Year? -- Essay [2]

This first sentence does not need to be so simplistic.
Helping people is a passion of mine.

Start it this way:
Whether it is volunteering or being the shoulder to lean on, knowing that I made even the smallest difference in someone's life puts a huge smile on my face. ---That is a really nice sentence.

This is good so far, but now it needs SUBSTANCE. For example, you can discuss the types of counseling that interest you. You can discuss the philosophy of education that resonates with you. And YES, I agree that you should discuss your plan. Show that you have several goals you plan to achieve before particular dates of the year. Show how motivated you are to enact the plan you have been devising.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Eulogy of Morrie schwartz by Charlotte schwartz. [3]


I think you can say something more meaningful at the end of the first paragraph. Instead of just saying he changed your outlook, which the reader could figure out on her own, you can give a sentence that really expresses the insight you gained... can you find words for it?

Then, after giving the important sentence, the paragrpah break gives the reader the opportunity to think for a second about what you said.

Although neither of us earned handsome salaries, and paying the bills were was difficult at times, his aphorisms and their stance against our capitalist culture is what made us truly cherish our lives.

Paying...---> was...

Use a comma:
...once said, "The best way to deal with that is to live in a fully conscious, compassionate, loving way. Don't wait until you're on your deathbed to recognize that this is the only way to live."

This is very good writing!

Graduate / "Working as a Team" - MBA admission Essay - describe a situation [3]

Often, people think of leadership simply as the ability to speak in front of people.---Is this a good way to fix that sentence? It did not really make sense, so I tried to interpret it.

This is an interesting discussion! I think you might enjoy "Understanding Leadership" by Prentice.
He defines it this way: Leadership is achieving organizational goals through the direction of human assistants.

I was at university; I At university, I was in charge of a project called "Effective Republic of the Philippines Market Research." Team members consisted of 7 people who had the most academic passion.

At this time our team had a lot of conflict and disagreement, this is not just pertaining to its methodology but also the direction of team activities.

But mediation points than more important; especially team leader is a conflict that is causing the group to observe carefully that conflict happens cause analysis to find the intrinsic problems. This sentence is not grammatically correct, and I don't know how to fix it. Do you have friends who speak excellent Korean and English so that they can help you to express what you mean?

Moreover a conflict resolution algorithm does not exist.----Very clever!! You are impressive. I added a word to this sentence, though. :-)

Practice the corrections I gave you. Practice typing the sentences 10 times each. Speak them aloud, too, so that your brain fully experiences the correct grammar. For example:

In other words, a strong charismatic leader can be handling to conflict well; a good observer can not only prevent conflict but also eliminate sources of conflict.

In other words, a strong charismatic leader can handle conflict well; a good observer can not only prevent conflict but also eliminate sources of conflict.--- The second half of this sentence is very, very good.

Undergraduate / "Bright personality, knowledge and soccer team" - for UBC--Bachelor of Science [3]

They cannot help you success. They can help you succeed.
I developed many qualities that will help me succeed in the Bachelor of Science program.

First of all, I have a bright personality and unlimited enthusiasm. ----excellent!! I like this part.

I have a positive upward and strong self-confidence; I never afraid of difficulties and problems. -----Okay, now I think you used too much abstraction. Do you know what I mean by that? Any of us could type sentences about how enthusiastic and resilient we are. You should PROVE it with examples.

Also, end the paragraph some time. Do not make the reader stare at one long paragraph. A paragraph break is a way to get people to pay attention. :-)

I participate student council and the girl's soccer team at my spear in my spare time.

Great job, but divide this into 3 paragraphs. Also, give a few sentences to tell more about what you want to do. What do you want to DO? That is important... your vision of the future.

Writing Feedback / Is it better to live for the moment or plan for the future? [5]


That is a pretty cool description!

Writing Feedback / "War Is Hell" - English Descriptive Essay [2]

I have some weird advice that may or may not be good advice... I think you should cut this first sentence.
Let me show you the tip of the iceberg, the entrance to hell. "War is hell" is a cliche. But if you start the essay with that second sentence the reader wll really enjoy the fact that you did not spoon feed the meaning.

Whenever you use 2 or more adjectives in a row, use a comma. For example.
... small, scared child...
...cold, metallic handle

I don't know if I like that ending. It makes it seem like you are describing a video game. Anyway, as a descriptive essay I think this is pretty solid!

One way to improve it is like this: Change the main idea of the essay so that instead of "war is hell" you give it a slightly different main idea. Something more unique. And it is okay to use an image as the main idea of the essay. :-)

Graduate / "Machines and a Tech Degree" - SOP For Naval Architecture in Masters degree [2]

Household can be just one word:
...household gadgets are widely in use today, and it...

"Why the filed field of naval architecture?"-----only one question mark.

When I ask this question to myself, I had always come up with multiple reasons convincing myself that this is the field of my interest. My interest in machines

I hope you will capitalize "I" in the final draft of this essay!
...where I have been...

Do not use "very much" in this situation:
I do consider myself very much lucky to be...

Again here: ... would be very much glad if...

I could be a part of an a university which is ...

Alright, this is quite impressive! I can tell you are a serious student. :-)

Essays / Technology and Health - need a thesis statement (cause-effect) [4]

Hi Pablo, I think you are doing things in the wrong order. Read something, and evaluate the main idea. Give your thoughts about it. Read something involving technology that interests you. Just write something about one article.

If you repeat that process with an article involving health, you will have written 2 paragraphs.

Look at the paragraphs and ask yourself what idea they give you when you consider them together.

Follow that process, and you will come up with a great thesis statement!

Scholarship / BENEFITS OF DESIGN INNOVATION TO A COUNTRY, Ghana [3]

Hi,welcome! We are lucky to have you.

A lot of people will benefit from visiting this thread and reading this great essay.

because (no comma necessary here) her political stability, good climatic conditions and abundant natural resources make ...

Beads Making---should this say Bead Making?

... art and design institutions and governmental bodies for the series. ---Don't just end the paragraph with this declaration. Instead, add a sentence to the end of the paragraph, and let it be a sentence that relates this to the main idea of the whole essay.

From the project, I realised Ghanaians had a lot to offer the world, and make our lives better, but our artists and designers' inability to utilise the resources at their disposal effectively in a creative and innovative way, packaging and ...of our cultural products. ----I think this sentence has one too many modifiers. Too many modifiers spoil the soup!

The country needs new, transformational ways of thinking and acting - an approach that embraces expertise from science, technology and humanities in design. Indigenous knowledge is not to be left in the past, but instead must be reproduced and redefined in post-industrial terms. To this end, I intend to use my knowledge acquired through...---I merged these two paragraphs into one and made some small changes. Only keep those changes if you like them!

I guess I think this paragraph above (that tells everything you want to do) should come earlier in the essay. It is powerful. I think it will make the whole essay better if you move it closer to the beginning.

:-)

Research Papers / Do social expectations affect people and their behavior? - thesis statement [3]


I agree! But instead of trying to change the words, make the meaning of the statement a little more... a little more... well, meaningful. Make a statement that some people might disagree with.

Google this: arguable thesis

I often tell people to google that.

Be creative, and make your own unique observation in addition to this truism.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The Key Qualities of an Ethical Teacher - What is my stand on this? -Essay paragraph [3]

A very important practice of an ethical teacher is reflecting on the moral impact of their actions.

When a teacher apologises to their students' for unwarranted grumpiness, students' learn the art of how to do it themselves without being demeaned and all importantly receiving the apology graciously.-----good example!!

'Sustained reflection on teaching is a good .... necessary element for growth of teacher and student as we are all a work-in-progress. -----I think a ' mark is missing?

plural:
My experiences in leadership has have given me...

an awareness of the role of servant leader as a teacher. ---Even though it is followed by an example, I think you can make this sentence more meaningful by being more specific.

A servant leader would be intuitive of the ethics involved in the teaching activity and the fine balance required. ----excellent sentence!

Thus, servant leadership is a key quality of the ethical teacher.

Writing Feedback / Is it better to live for the moment or plan for the future? [5]

Time runs fast, second after second, and with the every day passing we're becoming older. -----practice typing this sentence this way. Practice by typing it ten times! :-)

In the real world, there's always competition and someone always wants to take over our job.-----again here... practice 10 times!

In an unpleasant circunstance, we could be laid off by others. But if we plan for the future with getting higher education, saving money, and staying healthy, we could avoid the elimination.-----also, it helps if you are a freelancer!

Nowdays, the importance for of a degree is growing. The reason it is growing is that the competition between companies. So most of companies are

A crucial thing to do is to stay healthy, because we are depending from our bodies living this actual life.----good sentence!

...difficult to get it rid of. The best ...
:-)

Graduate / SOP review - Drexel, MS in School of Biomedical Engineering,Science & Health Systems [6]


Well, yes... the person judging the essays may feel that you have an unfair advantag over the other applicants. So, they might discriminate against you...

But every piece of writing can be improved with the elimination of some sentences! That is the refinement. :-)

Writing Feedback / 'Equalitarianism manifest' - the same number of male and female students. [3]

...and makes it easier for women to carry out some work which have in the past been only for men.------I made some small revisions here...

I strongly disagree with the opinion that university must admit the equality of number between male and female students in every subject.-----Okay, but you should give a reason as part of this sentence... Like, ...

...students in every subject, because..____________

Almost all students select majors which are suitable for their hobbies and aptitudes so the rate of gender in every subject depend on their choices. Moreover, university universities have to accept students ones who can afford requirements such as knowledge, ethics, finance and sometimes certifies certificates from international contests.

In summary, gender equality is not represented by an equal number of male and female students.

Great job!!

Undergraduate / East Meets West - Essay A statement of purpose [4]

Well, it was already great...

So, proceed with confidence!

Scholarship / "I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me) [8]

This is a place where you need "had"... but it is not a big deal:
I had lived in four states and numerous houses by the time I turned five.

Use commas in a situation like this:
There I was taught in Spanish, the language I was accustomed to, and I felt...

Hey, you can benefit a lot from getting a copy of Strunk and White. Look at the way they explain the use of commas. It was really useful to me, so... I recommend it!

As a Hispanic I tend to be accommodating, making it easy to get along with others. I don't think it's good to make generalizations like that...maybe I am wrong...

Household chores as well as cooking have been a part of my life since I was young. Attending Florida State has been my dream for a while thus I am serious about school work.---these 2 sentences do not seem related to each other.

Begin and end the essay with your main idea. :-)

Writing Feedback / Admired characteristic to understand ourselves [6]

Most people have at least one admirable characteristic that is inspirational to others, whether the characteristic is productivity, bravery, enthusiasm, friendliness, and so on. -----How do you like it this way? Just my idea for you...

Put the " mark outside the punctuation:
Have you ever exclaimed "I don't understand that person?" Yes, it is ...

he or she can also achieve knowledge from life experiences.

I'll remove a few commas:
For instance, a youngster who recently has lost his or her beloved one needs only a shoulder to lean or cry on.---Now this is a great sentence!!

Generosity cultivates our souls; both the giver and the receiver have equal blessing. ---Another great sentence!! I added a semi-colon.

:-)

Each of us carries some characteristics that others may look up to or criticize for .

Letters / Asst. Manager Safety/HSE Superintendent position - Cover Letter [4]

...as a Faculty faculty member, and I have enclosed...

You did a great job! I like your closing salutation.

Writing Feedback / SAT - Failure is the beginning of education [7]

The right to fail, Friedrich Nietzsche once said "What doesn't kill you will only make you strong".---This part is confusing. It is not about having a "right" to fail.

But you have a great introduction... I think you should introduce this idea of the "right" to fail near the beginning of the essay so that it will not be confusing at the end. Let it be a theme for the essay.

:-)

I like the ending!

Essays / How to start - arranging hip-hop mash-ups, it's politics / sports reading [3]

I can tell you what it is for me... politics is like the ultimate reality show! I am so adicted to seeing what happens.

Anyway, your problem is that you were not inspired in the moment you wrote that. Maybe you are inspired now! Write something about your career interest so that they feel pressure to enable you to actualize your idea. Share your plan! :-)

Undergraduate / "I CAN is a 100 times more important than IQ" -tell us more about yourself [4]

hey, these are great examples. There is room for improvement, but you really have some great sentences... I mean.. you have a great way of asserting your good attitude.

The quote cannot embody. Only a body can embody.
"I CAN is a 100 times more important than IQ." This motto really expresses my personality. I believe ...

You need a period here:
The reason why I learned how to play various sports or the piano is because someone once told me that I couldn't I am the type of student who is willing to put in a hundred and ten percent into not only my studies but everything I do.----The period is missing.

Awesome!

Undergraduate / "Morehouse Man" WHO HAS INFLUENCED YOUR LIFE THE GREATEST? [7]

I think the essay should begin here:
It may sound cliche' but my father has been the greatest influence on my life. Without him i honestly don't know where i would be, and i most certainly would have not achieved as much as i have. You see, m My father is not an ideal father figure. In fact, he very seldom behaves as a parent should. I wish I could write an essay about my "perfect father" who has pushed me to be all that i could be, and has helped me reach my full potential but that would ...---That is an intriguing introduction!!!

I'm sorry I did not help in time for the deadline, but here is a quick lesson:

I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until i I began to observe him, I was transitioning into him.--You know you should capitalize the "I" right?

I'll add a period and change a word:
I never fully understood the pedagogical effects of actions exhibited by the parents until I began to observe him. I was transitioning transforming into him.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work [10]

Thanks, Ajit.

If you do not get a response, please let me know and I'll help!

I think a lot of people can benefit from corresponding with you about the ielts and other efforts... thanks for getting involved! We have a lot of great people contributing.

Graduate / "insightful experience in China" - SOP FOR GRADUATE SCHOOL IN ASIAN STUDIES [3]

That first sentence is very interesting! This has a lot of potential. I want to suggest getting rid of the overused words...

I was born and raised cliche...

In Caracas, Venezuela, two thirds of its the population lives in poverty, and less than 10% holds the base of an oil fueled economy. ---See? less is more. This will punch the reader in the face. :-)


Excellent action and imagery here...

Also, I'm very much interested in the modality of seminars, the "Modern China" one in particular, which will provide me with the opportunity to directly interact ..

...will be perfectly poised to fulfill my true potential and achieve my goals.

Great job!! You'll be well-received, I think.

Scholarship / "I work well with others" Florida Southern Scholarship (Change * hard work taught me) [8]


Pronunciation is the word you need. Annunciation is something different.

Delilah, you are so interesting!

There was a time I was ashamed of being different; now contrariwise, I embrace diversity because it helps in collaboration.---This is the first time I have seen someone use contrariwise in a way that I like. Normally, I hate that word.

I see that Nicole made some great corrections. You have some work to do, because the grammar is not perfect yet. Please type this again, and use the corrections Nicole made. Look, I see that you have a misconception about how a sentence should end:

I have decided to study law and help others it is my desire to use my natural tenacity to become a special education lawyer and help fight for others. This is TWO sentences. You need to figure out where the period goes. To be an attorney, you will need to make it perfect. Please type it again below and make these corrections. I'll give you another one:

This is okay: Having to study harder and spend extra time reviewing my work didn't stop me from holding high scholarly expectations for myself...---I took out the semi-colon, but it is okay the way you had written it.

Since I was younger I have been helping out around the house, my mother worked to sustain me and my brother so I would try my best to have the house clean and at least a ramen noodle soup or macaroni and cheese made for her and my brother. ------This is another run on sentence. Get a copy of Strunk and White. Do you know what that is? Google that! :-) Good luck!! Your writing is almost perfect.

Writing Feedback / "A problem shared is a problem solved" (for TOEFL) [6]


Actually, I think I disagree. I have often been surprised at how much my writing improves when I FORCE myself to express something in 50% of the words.

Really... you will be amazed... make yourself take out sentences. With every sentence, you make the reader work. Sentences are bad, like toxins in food we eat. Less is more. Kill perfectly good sentences, and the writing will improve. :-)

Refine the whole essay down to one sentence. That is how to forge a blade.

Graduate / "the way human body and other life forms works" - SOP_PhD in Biomedical Sciences [4]


This kind of intro is overused. I want to warn you... everyone begins by saying, "I have always... something..."


I like this. I recommend changing it, but I like it. I recommend changing it, because you should not include unnecessary info that detracts from the main experience you are trying to provide the reader.

Remember, you are giving the reader an experience. You are hosting an experience.

I like the way you honor her by giving her full name like that, though. Maybe you should keep this sentence despite my recommendation! :-) I might be wrong. It is very thoughtful...

Courses in Microbiology, Immunology, Animal Physiology, Genetics, Cell Biology and Biochemistry taken during my undergraduate career made me realize that I was drawn towards Molecular and Cellular Biology. ----This list might not be a good way to begin a paragraph. The reader's mind skips right over a list like that. Listing classes and terms from bio are not the way to go. The way to impress them is to mention these things while explaining your PLAN. That is the key. A student with many goals and deadlines.. that is impressive. A student with a plan.

And... the rest of the essay is really nice! I just recommend those few changes... :-)

We are lucky to have to participating here!

Scholarship / "to pursue my career in Multimedia" - need to write scholarship essay [3]


I'd say you are a pretty good writer. Just look at this sentence!

Make sure the essay BEGINS with a great sentence like that. Use action verbs and imagery words. (Google those terms)

The best thing is to tell the reader about your PLAN. Inspire the reader by discussing your short term goals and self-imposed deadlines. Work hard at it!

Graduate / "oil / gas sector and Unconventional energy" - SOP-Petroleum Engineering [3]

Do it like this:
My hometown Ankleshwar is in the past also known as one of the largest industrial city cities of Asia, was famous for its enormous capacity to manufacture all types of goods, ranging from chemicals to safety pins. Being a citizen of such a city I would always be curious----no need to tell the reader it is your home town! :-) Readers enjoy figuring stuff out by themselves.

During one such lecture by Dr. Krishnamurti, he ...This statement made me realize that there is much more to learn in this field. ---Very impressive! The reader will enjoy this.

I see that you capitalized This even though a comma comes before it:
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance ,This is what i discovered ...
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. This is what I discovered ...

:-) You will do very well, I think!!

Writing Feedback / Traveling to get job . . Environment is the Victim [5]

This part needs a little change:

Firstly, government can provide or increase public transportation and make workers about that and suggest to them to use it instead of traveling separately. So, if they use it the environment will not be polluted as much as if they travel separately.

Practice typing the sentence that way.
And practice other variations of it. Like this:
So, if I practice English, I won't make mistakes as much as people who do not practice.

Capitalize Internet:
Secondly, some employees who travel depend their work on the computer and Internet, so government can let...

Thirdly, there are many companies have many branches , so they can...

To sum up, it is important that government and company companies care about...

Graduate / "the technical world" - Statement of Purpose for Master in Technical Management [4]

Do not capitalize technological:
Increasingly, Technological technological organizations...

Thus, my future career goal is to be a technical manager in leading Construction Company and manage complex technical projects.

Again, do not capitalize unnecessarily: In addition to my present experience, In in my previous job with Grupo Antolin, a Spanish ...

Now I feel I have reached a stage in my career where I am ready to move into a leadership position, and I realize the need to refine...

I think you might enjoy Jim Collins' discussion of technology's role in his book: Good to Great

:-) Very impressive!!

Writing Feedback / "Listening to music and reading" - Things That Inspire Me [2]

Hey, Delilah, this is a very thoughtful critique!
Rebenrio, I think you did very well with this! It has excellent structure, and you eloquently made each point. I like that poetic discussion of inspiration at the end...

Inspirations are like windows or doors: they invite us to come closer and see more. They are also like a pair of shoes that is already worn out, because sometimes they have to be replaced. My inspiration may...

:-)

It would be great to mention this comparison at the beginning, too! You can hint at this theme of comparing inspirations with these things. That way, it will be a familiar notion at the end.

Book Reports / The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka - Monologue [4]


You are procrastinating! :-)

I think you know that you can choose either of those. This is a creative assignment. So... that is why I think subconsciously you are procrastinating. That happens to me, too.

And it is okay if you have never written one of these. Just think of it as a speech! Before you begin, google this:
Gregor Samsa character analysis

That will help you to know what feelings and ideas you want to "speak" about.
Good luck!!

Book Reports / The flaws and strengths of the characters in The Crucible and the puritans. [2]


I don't fully understand this part!
Tough question...

Okay, it is good to collect your quotes and citations. Use those to support the assertions you make in the PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCES. The first sentence of each paragraph (i.e. it's topic sentence) should make a point to support your main idea.

You have to accomplish 3 things:
- Analyze the flaws and strengths of the characters
- Do the same for the puritan society
- What would the world have thought of that city?

So, use one paragraph for each of those. Also, use some of the words in the prompt, like "flaws," "strengths," and "the world would have thought..."

Use those key words. Answer their questions. Then, go back and write an intro that ends with a thesis statement that gives the main idea among all these three.

Good luck!!

Book Reports / Critically Examine a speech in Plato's Symposium- Aristophanes' Speech- Outline [2]

Let's change the dash to a semi-colon and also change a few words:
Aristophanes was hiccuping throughout Pausanias' speech and gargling and sneezing throughout Eryixamachus' speech; this could be seen as a way to discount undermine Aristophanes' speech, but I think it shows the weakness of the other two speeches.


Well, we are all happy collaborators here. It's not cheating or anything like that it that is what you are worried about. Every minute we spend is more time for you to gain great insights about this.

While Plato describes many incidences where Aristophanes might be portrayed as little more than comic relief, his speech is actually quite grounded, emphasizing the human connection involved in Love. -----------You should google this: arguable thesis

I want to mention that this thesis statement might not be arguable enough. You should get creative and say something that not everyone would agree with. It can be this same statement, but if you add just one detail to it based on your unique perspective you can make it something more "arguable."

I think the points you make are good! Just dig a little deeper and tweak the thesis so that it is slightly more controversial and interesting.

:-)

Letters / Research Studentship - covering letter or letter of application for PhD studentship [11]

I am writing to apply for Research Studentship in *** as advertised in your homepage (let's use this space to say something more meaningful. I don't know what it should be, but you can plant a powerful idea in the reader's mind at the end of this sentence instead of telling them something they already know about the website.

. I have completed Master *** on *** in *** . Out of the conviction that I could contribute to develop the research quality of your centre I sumbit this letter of application. This does not say anything.

During my studies in *** I have focussed on making convergence between literature and philosophy.---interesting!!

Here, use italics instead of " " marks if you can.----> Dostoevsky's Notes from Underground I have gained much of ideas from postmodernism or (post)structuralism.

Most importantly, you should give some clear, simple sentences that express what YOU want to do.

***I have to take the essay down, because it appears on another site. Please to not post any essays that appear elsewhere on the Internet.

:-)

Research Papers / Autocratic ideas and leaders if tsarism were totally opposite to the Marxist ideas [2]

I think "if" is supposed to be "of" right?

So... do you know what autocracy means? Do you know what Marxism means?

You can do this, but if you have not studied it is going to take some time. You need to learn what Karl Marx said. He was looking for a communist system where the wealth was distributed evenly. He wanted the masses of people to all enjoy equality in a socialist system.

A Monarchy or tsarist system is one where absolute power is given to the leader. It is sort of like the opposite of communism.

Anyway, keep it simple: Write about Marxism first. Write all about it by using your assigned readings, and if you need more clarification use Wiki.

Just get started writing about Marxism, and you will find that it is easy to type sentences about what you are reading. Easy!! Take a small bite out of this by writing about Marxism. Whenever you feel overwhelmed by an assignment, just take a small bite out of it. You might find that you build momentum.

:-)

Essays / Display of sexism(or) gender roles (or) communism (or) Christianity in (MOVIE TITLE) [6]

Yeah, so try using a movie you love, or one you know really well. I know what you mean about needing it to be totally unpredictable... you want to examine a movie that is not trying to say anything about gender roles, for example.

So.... with these three options, you could probably use almost any film. Just look for unintentional portrayals of the three options. That is what I would do. Personally, I would use a serious drama or an action/adventure film and look for gender roles.

Here is something that might help you
filmsite.org/allfilms3.html

Book Reports / Editing help: comparing Death of a Salesman and Fences [2]

For a nice presentation, and some efficiency, try rewording a little here:
The two plays Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller and Fences by August Wilson are drastically different from one other plays in terms of plot, but the two ...

Okay, that first paragraph lists several points, but I think we need a thesis statement at the end that can serve as an "overarching" theme, one that can be the memorable, main idea of the essay.

Use commas in this situation:... as when Willy's wife, Linda, finds a...

Commas again: .... Willy's son, Biff, discovers that...

Willy also ignores his wife's pain and does not even notice it on some occasions , such as when he begins to speak to himself at...

Most of the time, you kept with the present verb tense, but in some places you are slipping into the past tense!

You are doing very well! I just want to mention one more time the importance of one overarching theme. I wish you could come up with one sentence that expresses the main message of this essay.

In fact, it is great if you can find a single WORD that expresses your main idea/theme. Do you know what I mean?

:-)

Essays / thesis statement and introductry paragraph [10]

Oh... so you have to read the assigned reading, and whenever you find an interesting fact you should write a sentence about it.

Then, you have to use those sentences to make comparisons with our culture.

This seems like a tough question. What kind of class is it?

Anyway, start with the assigned reading, and collect sentences about interesting facts.

:-)