Undergraduate / "paper and glue to make 3D models" - MIT! What do you do for the pleasure? [4]

This is a great edit by Kruti Shah, and I also really like the essay.

I really cannot think of many ways to improve this, because it has a unique, nice quality to it. The idea that your passion became a nuisance is not original; it is a common thing. But the essay itself has an original kind of feeling to it. You might be able to improve it by connecting models to your chosen career field, but actually that might make it seem contrived. I really like it the way it is.

Undergraduate / "an expert at housekeeping" - Dear my roommate - Stanford supp [3]


Haha, that is cute. You are a natural at online communication, and I think you should visit tengoldenrules.com to start your career as a self-made millionaire getting passive income from selling automatic products online.


Perfect! It's lively and interesting.


It's because we evolved opposing digits on out hands, so we learned to stand with the two limbs that lack opposing digits.

Wow,anyone will be lucky to have you as a roommate. I know you probably sent this in already, so I am sorry I did not get to help, but I'll try to be faster next time. I think you have something really valuable to offer, and I hope you check out the EssayForum Contributor Page. I wonder how you learned to write sentences with so much energy in them...

Undergraduate / "Writing is a form of telepathy." - art, design, writing, or architecture interest [3]

Where did you post the essay before? I can't find the other version of it. If it is on EssayForum I would like to move it to this thread so we stay organized.


Nah, that is not why. Things have been very busy for a few months, and we could not keep up with all the essays. If you want a lot of people to help, go help with THEIR essays and ask them to return the favor.

Stephen King likens writing to a form of telepathy, and I'm completely invested in this idea.----He also recommends Strunk and White, who in turn recommend using a comma with a compound sentence. :-)

If you share this idea of writing as telepathy, you need to explain it a little like he did. A blue bunny with a number eight... my writing transmits an idea across space and time. Any time you introduce a concept, complete it for the reader instead of leaving questions raised but unanswered.

See this? was belittled by straight and gay communities because of my sexuality. --This is another point you raised but left unexplored. If you introduce an idea to the reader, give a full brush stroke onto the canvas... and explore it a little. One paragraph = one idea.

I suggest moving that short last paragraph up to merge it with the short intro paragraph, and then make a theme: I used writing as telepathy when my self-expression was thwarted by anxiety.

:-) Whether you know it or not, you are a great writer already... the premise of this essay is emotionally powerful, and that is what is most important.

Use a hyphen: four year-old

Undergraduate / "Reflected, shown, and illuminated" - Vires, Artes, Mores FSU Essay [2]


This seems to mean that nothing could be more virtuous than someone demonstrating morality through strength and art? But to "illume robust" does not seem to make sense.

And if the indigent use these words, they are a liar.. like Clinton?

who' s whose

Congratulations on being a word artist. You are one of those wordsmiths who can appreciate good rhythm and imagery in writing. There are some lessons to be learned along the way, and one of them is a lesson about structure. Good writers hate hearing about structure, because they just want to let that sacred content flow from wherever it flows from, but the trick is like this:

Let it flow onto the screen, as you did, but then go back and add sentences that artfully clarify.
Go back and add sentences that artfully explain ambiguous terms (for example, how are you using he word "allude" here?)

Add sentences of clarification, and you will have a good balance of abstraction and clarity. If you use words and phrases that are subject to varying interpretation, you always will lose the reader's attention.

For example, after that first sentence of the essay, I am waiting for you to explain the three relationships. Instead of explaining them, you hit me with another thing I don't know how to interpret: " the indigent who ever stated such words is as much a liar as Bill Clinton.:---At this point, i am not sure what to make of the 3 relationships from the first sentence, and then I am also waiting to find out the significance of this mention of Clinton.

See, the writing has to be tight in order to create a powerful experience for the reader. Google this proprioceptive writing
Then, compare PW with writing that takes the reader on an intense trip. The intense trip is only possible when the abstract is balanced against the concrete and only when readers are able to feel confident that they are interpreting each line correctly.

And you can't leave any loose ends, like mentioning Clinton as a random example of a liar and then never building on that. For intense writing, proceed as though you are stacking sentences carefully on top of one another, painstakingly guiding the reader's thought process so that she goes deeper into thought with every sentence.

Undergraduate / Economics and public policy (China's One Child Policy) - supplement essay [6]

it relies strictly upon math and logistics and is largely unaffected by any other factors. ---I think I know what you mean here, but it seems like a very broad statement... that economics is largely unaffected by other factors, like what for example?

From an economic perspective, China's One Child Policy is a necessity.---I think one more sentence in this paragraph would be good... complete your point with one more sentence.

As I continue to read, I am amazed at the depth of your analysis. Some sentences at the beginning made me feel like you oversimplified things, but for the rest of the essay it is all very impressive. It is not that you oversimplified anything near the beginning; it is just that some of your statements can be taken the wrong way, as generalizations.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a case of déjŕ vu" - An Intellectually Engaging Idea [11]


Ha ha, but if it is a different world, why would something experienced by a person in that world cause me to feel familiar with a situation in this world?

I like the theory!

Undergraduate / "MacGyver can fix anything" - CommonApp Essay [4]

Hey, I'm sorry I did not see this sooner. You have not gotten much help...


You need a period after 'anything.'

This whole thing is great, but maybe I am biased in favor of it because I love McGyver, too.
I suggest taking out any unnecessary sentences and keeping only the funniest and most meaningful stuff, like the gun control and the haircut.. the really good stuff.

(I had a MacGyver jacket...)

And, well, I ended up more than just loving it .--- You don't have to cut this sentence, but you do at least need to add a sentence or two after it as a way of giving a THEME to the whole essay... so the reader will have a distinct experience. Establish that theme in the intro, and make it clear. Make it something that can be expressed in one sentence.

Undergraduate / "Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat." - Amherst - Response to Quote [3]

I do not like failure. The word connotes some incapability on my part to complete the task at hand. I have always excelled at school and outside activities, so my expectations are extremely high.

But e That intro is obvious and sort of meaningless. It would be better just to begin here, I think:
Even in my best activity, I stumbled stumble on an obstacle. At the age of nine, I had

But I was aware that quitting now would be a most unwise decision, and restarted my training. ---I don't like this sentence. Quitting should never have even crossed your mind, so there should be no need to even assess the wisdom of it.

I approached the task again with renewed vigor, and after three hours of...---yes, the ending is weak. It needs a new concept to share with the reader. Dig deep and find that insight that everyone could appreciate but not everyone knows because not everyone knows this particular kind of failure that leads to greater success after some ego regulation. :-)

Undergraduate / "I'm a talker" - Stanford- Roommate Essay [5]

Hopefully you're not deaf, because first thing you should about me know is that I'm a talker. ---I know some talkers who make me wish I was deaf. Actualy, you might not want to include deaf in the intro. It can be offensive. Deaf people have conversations, too.

it helps me get well-acquainted with them.---obviously!

I'll probably decorate our room with a couple of puertorican Puerto Rican flags.

This expresses a pretty great personality! I do think, though, that your career plan should be so present in your mind that it finds its way into this essay at least a little...

:-)

Undergraduate / 'therapeutic movies' - Emerson College Supplemental Essay [3]

To me, movies are...---that is how I would do it.

Whenever I have a fight with my parents, fail an exam, or just flat ...

I love how movies make you feel like you are a part of the story (no comma necessary here) and help you forget ...

I think you should add one more theme. Film is about more than escapism. It combines all the other arts.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the Danish Prince and the son of a murdered father" - Hamlet-Primary Advisor-CMC [5]

You can take out a comma here:
but as the Danish Prince and the son of a murdered father you must take action and dethrone your cold-blooded uncle. ---If you read Strunk and White, you'll see why, and you will enjoy that insight about comma use.

Keep verb tense the same: yet you doubted your ...---or maybe this is bad advice... it is not necessary for this verb to be in the past tense, but that is what I would do.

His fate was at odds with his free will, but he obediently accepted his destined destiny? and eventually founded the city of Rome.

Prince Hamlet, you were destined to take back the throne of Denmark from you uncle. --just an idea...

Very cool...

Undergraduate / "Humane Society Experience" - Common Application Short Answer [3]

I volunteered for the Danville Area Humane Society, because (say something surprising and interesting). With other volunteers, I helped take care of the animals that were brought there by feeding and cleaning them. Although each visit is more or less the same, I will never forget my first day there. Upon arrival, I was instructed to give treats to each of the dogs. I noticed that there seemed to be a rather small amount of treats, but I assumed that there was a larger storage elsewhere. After distributing the treats, I decided to do the same thing for the cats. As it turned out, there were no cat treats, nor was there a hidden reservoir of dog treats. The shelter was, and still is, undersupplied given the huge quantities of stray animals.

As a result of that day, I have been dedicated to ensuring that all animals receive proper care. Now that I cut out all that unnecessary stuff above, you can express the idea of this sentence in 3 or 4 meaningful sentences that give some short term goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Taking to the Sky" CommonApp - Pick your own topic [3]

I think apparatus is a singular noun...
The swing set has always been my favorite playground apparatus, but I've ...----This might be a little better.

... rusty chains and protective plastic sleeves. After I started dreaming, I began to think that maybe it was the feeling of freedom at the peak, like I was about to fly up out of my seat and into the sky. ---awesome imagery... this is something that will connect with everyone.

My parents used to push me sometimes to go to taekwondo practice two or three times a week Revise this so that it is a topic sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph. I mean, you don't have to, but it is what I think would be good...

"615 words - to be honest, i'm not at all a huge fan of this essay."---
Well, it is good writing, for sure. If you don't like it, that must be because you know the feeling of writing while inspired, and you know the inspiration was not there during the writing of the last parts of this. But you can just continue it, little by little, like the rest of us writers do, and you'll soon get some content to incorporate, and it will be stuff written while inspired. :-)

Undergraduate / Advising Louis XIV - Claremont McKenna Supplement [4]


Right here, you lose me, Becca! But it seems awesome. I mean, whatever you mean seems cool, because you suddenly shock me with the assertion that you will take the place. But clarify please! I don't get it.

Okay, you wrote this very well.. and it probably is going to be well received, but the biggest thing I want to suggest is:

If you write so much about leadership, you really kind of have to cite W.H. Prentice "Understanding Leadership." Also, it is also important to cite "transactional leadership," "transformational" leadership, "servant leadership," "charismatic leadership," and/or other concepts in leadership. You can google around and learn about these. This is leadership theory, and if you want to write about it you should cite the established theorists.

:-)

Undergraduate / "physics class" - Penn Supplement- Bioengineering and Band [4]


Well, what you include depends on your strategy for motivating the reader. Every essay should be action taken to motivate the reader to action. The action might be to continue reading and get lost, as in the case of a novel, or the action may be to grant admission, as in this case.

So, let's look at the main point being made:
...a career that would allow enable me to develop ?? this fascination with the way the world works and to apply my knowledge to a project that could help improve peoples' lives. I want to study at Penn not only because it is home to one of the strongest Bioengineering programs in the country, but also because it would give me the best opportunities to grow and develop both as an engineer and as a person. Not specific enough. I looked for a message, and there was none.

You need to start with a key insight that you want to share, one that can be expressed in a single sentence.

my goal of further developing and improving the artificial kidney.---This is impressive because it is so specific. But you need another sentence in this paragraph. It should end with a sentence about an article you recently read about it, or some other thing that proves your interest.

I'm sorry it took so long for you to get some good feedback! The essay is already very impressive. I am being tough on you.

Simardeep, I saw your advice in a different thread, and it was brilliant. In this thread, I happen to disagree with your suggestion; it is not good to arpitrarily tell things the reader already knows about the school. :-) But in another thread you suggested a different sequence of sentences, and that was something I never would have thought of. :-)

Undergraduate / "Democrats, Republicans, and Heaps of Trash" - influence Common app [9]

Hi there, I have not heard of anyone being accused of plagiarism as a result of using EssayForum. If that happens, I think it is easy to link the accuser to the page where this thread shows your name next to the original essay and the date you posted it.

There was always an underlying mocking tone in the things I students said to him.---just a suggestion... so that you don't seem so bratty. :-)

I had generally thought of ...

You can cut those last two sentence, and you can replace them with some unexpected humor. Say something unexpected at the end, or say something about how the experience with this guy is reflected in your plan for college.

As you revise, you can make it so that you are not portraying yourself so negatively. You can revise some sentences so that instead of going from ignorant to thoughtful you went from thoughtful to self-aware, and self-awareness led to strong convictions.

At the end of the essay, state those strong convictions.
:-)

Research Papers / ROLE OF AMERICAN POP-CULTURE (MASS MEDIA) IN AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY IMPLEMENTATION [4]

look at the contemporary forms of media that's most
look at the contemporary forms of media that are most...

This is narrow enough to get you started. But after you have written paragraphs about 10 or 20 articles and books, you will notice that the theme of your paper is going in a direction you did not intend. Allow it to do that! It is easiest that way.

Follow the direction your paper takes, and I believe you will find that you need to narrow the focus of the paper even more. Narrow it to focus precisely on the theme that EMERGES in your literature review.

That is my advice, and that is why I recommend insisting on the right to change your outline as much as you want to change it.

Undergraduate / "an abundance of career options and successful education" - WHY NORTHWESTERN? [4]

I see something great here:
...my time there would not end.
As you revise, CUT to highlight the awesomeness: I found the class incredibly fascinating and wished my time there would not end. ---That expresses it perfectly.

The first paragraph is really boring, but it is not your fault. It is only boring to the reader because it is irrelevant to the reader. You should add an intro paragraph to the beginning so that you can use it as an opportunity to give a THEME that will be expressed through the discussion of your experience at the clinic.

:-)

Undergraduate / Play golf + Being responsible + Berlin Wall + Travel + Book in dormitory - Yale short [3]


This one does not seem to serve a good purpose. It may be the truth, but you can say other truths that delight the reader's mind with interesting ways of expressing ideas... something cool, like that question you wrote for number 5 (it is better than any of their questions!).

Always answer questions like these with the intention of achieving a specific purpose... that is, the intention of compelling the reader to take a certain action.

I think you did pretty well!

Dissertations / English literature: starting research and putting a plan for my dissertation [2]


Well, it depends on how you are using the concept "dualism."

I want to advise you to choose the book that interests you the most. It is not a good idea to advise you to look at a particular book in order to write about that concept. The best idea is to forget the theme and look at HIS themes.

Again, FORGET YOUR THEME. Your theme will stop you from making progress. Go take a trip on a bus or train, and bring with you a Hemingway novel and a notebook for note taking. Treat yourself to an awesome experience with his work.

Only after having that awesome experience will you have something worth sharing. All you need is one good experience, and then the paper will write itself.

Undergraduate / Radio and Television Personal essay for Ryerson fall 2011 [2]

Hello, how are you? Although I am unable to shake your hand with a smile, I would like to take a moment and introduce myself. My name is Sofia DeBartolo, and the pleasure of meeting you is all mine. As many have said before, I want to be... be saying to yourself, how do I expect to change the world and what is it that makes me so unique? Well first of all I am half Punjabi, half Kashmiri with Greek, Persian, and Iranian descent, and I am willing to take on any challenge that life throws in front of me. The student...

Hi Rheanna, look at all the stuff I cut out. That kind of stuff is what people call "self-indulgent" when they critique writing. Also, it is "affecting a breezy manner," which Strunk and White recommend against.

But look at what is left over after I cut what I don't like. It is beautiful!
I am half Punjabi, half Kashmiri with Greek, Persian, and Iranian descent, and I am willing to take on any challenge that life throws in front of me. The student body at Blue Fish Secondary School (BFSS) would also agree that starting my own talk show or ....I'm not going to stop, even if it kills me.

If this (above) is your intro, you have my attention. I know you were expressing something excellent with the intro you gave, but it does not have the effect you want. After you build momentum, your great writing began, and I showed you where it began above.

Ryerson's Radio and Television (RTA) program will benefit me by bringing me one step closer to my goal. ...Excellent.

Less is more, cut unnecessary words: There were around 10 ten songs that required, as the director described, as "more than perfection,"according to our director.

As with anything in life, nothing is perfect, and, as expected s Several problems arose during practices.---less is always more. :-)

The way you write is great, but as you revise, look for ways to eliminate unnecessary phrases and sentences. They create unnecessary work for the reader.

Undergraduate / Effective Anecdote on the Impact of Debate Team [2]

With my tongue sharp and my mind armed with an impressive arsenal of words, I knew I could shred into my opponent's argument without any hesitation.---This is a great intro, but I just wanted to make those small changes.

You have some excellent sentences. To condense, start by killing that. Killing what?! That. You can almost always kill "that." see below:
...and I knew that I had succeeded. in what I set out to do. My team and I restlessly waited for the judges to deliberate. The judges announced that my team had won. I swelled with pride. Not only did I win my first debate match, I also earned the respect of my teammates. At that moment, I knew that the debate team would ...

And I cut some sentences that explain that you won, but the reader will get the idea even without you telling that.
:-)

Undergraduate / computer system + New York travel + Jang Yoengsil - NYU [3]

Hello Park, I'm sorry you did not get much help when you first posted. We have been very busy. Thanks for all the help you have given other people! I'll comment now, in case it can still help you:

To me, a computer system is another universe that contains endless possibilities. As lives on earth starts start with microorganisms, infinitesimal bits aggregate into various forms.

I appreciate the measureless freedom in the world of CS. ---awesome sentence.

Such idea of small details building up something greater fascinates me, because

this is very good, too... to find a unity within differences. As the lights of the city inspired inspire people, I will inspire others by sharing such legacy. This is good, but it can be better if you replace it with some words related to CS, not "legacy."

Capitalize: the Joseon Dynasty

I want Yoengsil to live up to his dream in where the society appreciates his talents.

Undergraduate / "abducted during the night from his home in northern Uganda" -ComApp Issue of Concern [4]

This essay is as good as essays get, very strong. For this prompt, you could not have chosen a better topic than this, because it is indeed an issue of importance to say the least. My favorite thing about this essay is that it shares specific facts that make the reader stop to reconsider and reflect... only good writing can inspire a reader toward reflection.

And you even have some action you are going to take (roadie). I think you should feel very confident about this essay. All I can think of to improve it is to express your career interests and discuss the role someone in your chosen career field can play in addressing this problem.

Undergraduate / "Education in the service of society" - Why Northwestern? [4]

When I think of Northwestern, the colour purple is the first thing image that comes to my mind. ---Always try to replace the word thing if you find it in your writing. It can almost always be replaced with something more descriptive.

The shimmering, vivacious shade ... its students - so unique.--This paragraph is kind of like a nice poem. It has nice words but not a lot of substance. The important goal to achiee is the goal of showing the reader that you have spent a lot of time thinking realistically and practically about how you will (proactively) manage your education in these coming years. Show that you are a student with a plan.

I believe the basis of Northwestern's academic passion lies in its centralised yet flexible curriculum. nevermind this stuff that they already know. Write about YOUR short term goals and intentions.

The fact that a typical freshman's small classes consist of only 20 to 25 students reflects Northwestern's focus on satiating the academically ambitious and active minds from all corners of the globe. They already know about the small class size.

While a student's academic roots lies lie in one specific school, the curriculum allows students to engage in courses from different Schools within Northwestern, thus encouraging the 'branching out' across several fields. They already know.

Although the basis of my major would lie in the School of Education and Social Policy, I would be able to earn a second major in International Studies or Biological Sciences from the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences ----Excellent, this is the part that is important. Dig deep for a memorable, thoughtful theme, and show the reader how much thought you have put into your specific goals. Don't waste any sentences telling them stuff that can be learned on the school website.

:-)

Undergraduate / Science and Society-Intellectual Vitality-Stanford Supplement [3]

I see this essay as a great demonstration of an important writing trick: taking inspiration from a recent experience. I absolutely believe that this class you are describing is taught by a brilliant person, and I see that you are smart enough to appreciate it. So... this essay really reflects positively on you. The only part I disagree with is here:

that will soon require immediate action...

:-)

Undergraduate / my favorite mottos is "opposites attract" - Letter to my Roommate: Stanford [3]

...learned that first impressions are important because of (Add explanation. Everyone knows first impressions are important, so add a few words to make this a meaningful thing to say. Add an explanation about why it is important.

Start a new paragraph:
I am a little bit of everything. I like to dress in pink and

You are awesome. Your rommate will be lucky to be around someone as smart and energetic as you. I think you should ask your friends or essayforum members which are their favorite sentences in this essay. Keep their 10 favorite sentences, and with the rest you can try to cut some content and focus on one theme that you want the reader to remember. The purpose is NOT actually to tell all about yourself. Your purpose is to show the reader that you are planning ahead and being proactive about your studies -- a really deserving scholar.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a case of déjŕ vu" - An Intellectually Engaging Idea [11]

...to question something which was, hitherto this, nothing but ordinary. No! No, no! You are forbidden from using hitherto in any of your written or spoken communications from this point onward. I mean it! :-)

That was such a cool sentence before you ruined it with unnecessary fanciness. Only use fancy language in situations where spectacular feats of language are necessary. That is the golden rule of writing. Well, I actually just made it up, but it is important!

ha ha, very clever: exceedingly commonplace ...

...perhaps I will be the first to expose the secrets behind déjŕ vu in my psychological studies.

Awesome... this one is a winner.

Undergraduate / Things that are extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self. [8]

As everyone hurriedly worked on his or her assignment, I began to negotiate with mine.

This looks very good!! But i feel like you actually REDUCE it at the end by giving this sentence:
Java forced me to take the first steps of a long journey to understand myself, and from it, I've gained an introspective and self-accepting nature.

This is a good sentence, but how about one more sentence added to this so that we can adequately express your cool theme? Add an intriguing sentence at the end, perhaps one that refers again to this idea of negotiating with your work.

Then, go to the middle of the essay and add some mention of having to "again negotiate" with some aspect of your work. So, that'll be three times you expressed that cool theme, and the reader will really be able to enjoy that (and easily remember you).

:-)

Student Talk / Any list of essays to be prepared for exam? [5]

Hi Sharada, I don't know about lists of essays, but I have some advice for you:
Collect a list of sentences that you know how to speak and write correctly. For example:
My car is important to me, because it enables me to do what I need to do.
If you know this sentence, you can change the noun so that it expresses other things:
My wallet is important to me, because it enables me to do what I need to do.
My book about meditation is important to me, because it enables me to do what I need to do.

You can also change the verb:
My teacher is important to me, because she enables me to learn what I need to know.

Collect sentences by learning to write them with correct grammar, and you can practice using them in different ways.
:-)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia: A Unique but Unusual Approach. Is it too Wierd? [14]

I know the truth, though. Such hysteria and rumor mongering is are put to a triumphant rest ( I think triumphantly to rest would be better, because the rest is not triumphant.

What this essay amounts to is a demonstration of excellent writing ability (That grammar error above -- is/are -- is something people probably won't notice). In addition to demonstrating the ability to write in clever, complex ways with poetic rhythm, which is an awesome skill, you can demonstrate that you are a forward thinking, proactive person with a well developed plan and a methodical way of carrying it out. List several goals for the next year and several goals for the next 4 years, , and they will be more impressed.

:-)

Undergraduate / My dream began.. check-up visits at my pediatrician.. MCPHS [3]

The intro is convincing because of your great writing style. But the topic is kind of common -- lots of students write about similar scenarios. How can we make yours distinct and memorable?

Your specific examples and details... those specific parts of the essay are impressive. But this kind of sentence does not accomplish anything---the new information to discover and research to be done would foster my love of learning. This sentence is too general and generic.

AndI found one more:
Through researching MCPHS I have realized this college is a great fit for me. Look at the sentence and the message it sends. Make sure every sentence has a meaningful message. This sentence tells the reader something she already knows.

Despite the common topic, you are still able to make it interesting and enjoyable to read. :-)

Undergraduate / "Successful people graduated from Northwestern University" - Northwestern supplement essay [6]


This is a cool idea, but I think you should replace these words: been full of hopes and dreams
I think those words should be replaces by some action verbs and an interesting noun or two...

I think these words should be replaced with specific examples of your interests.

I see that later on in the essay you give some great examples! But other sentences do not do anything for the reader's experience. This sentence does not tell the reader anything new.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Namaste!" - Stanford : room mate essay [3]

...and the like -- so much that when I even when I played my ...

I also have a fetish passion for fusion of cultures in all forms.

This essay expresses great personality. Hey, I like the advice Monal gave about mentioning what the book is about. That is cool, because in just a word or two you can add that detail and explain the significance/relevance of that book's theme to the theme of this essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a career based on the human body" - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences [3]

But approximately one year ago, This detail is not helpful... it just detracts from the reader's experience. :-)

I read an excellent novel called The Last Oracle by James Rollins. In the novel, t The author deals with the idea of the brain's plasticity, instinct, and ...

Check this out:
What fascinates me about neuroscience is the idea of being able to tap into the limitless potential of the human mind, being able to understand the biological basis for instinct, and augmenting these natural human abilities to unprecedented levels. ---Without those cliches, it is just a straightforward sentence about something awesome. BTW how do you know there is a biological basis for instinct? Instincts can come from the nonlocal being that is having a dream about a world of form. Nonphysical consciousness having a dream is just as likely as matter that becomes conscious.

... into the biological basis for instinct, which is my current passion. ---Well, you are starting from a biased, point of view, I challenge, if you are assuming instinct needs to have a biological basis. What is, as I mentioned above, the basis of biology is the non-material consciousness that dreams up a wold of form with many perspectives, many eyes!? :-)

seemingly allow for minor precognition, ---If you read Embryonic Breathing by Dr. Yang Jwing Ming, you will see his answer, which pertains to the very widespread practice of meditating on the 3rd eye chakra.

:-)
Okay, anyway, your essay is excellent and powerful because of expressing a specific passion. Not everyone has that. You did the most important thing, and I bet this essay will be a well-received.

Undergraduate / "My biggest blunder; cutting down the wrong tree"- Common app essay [10]


No, it's fine, I think.. well-written.

to whatever apparently forgettable plans I had that night,---wow, very god. This does something intense to the reader's mind,... making the reader receive a lot of information at once... very cool.

Awesome, they are going to be impressed, but what about the symbolic significance of this experience? What truth does it convey? You can infer something from it for the reader.

:-)

Essays / Feedback about approach of Bowdoin supplemental essay [5]


Yep, use these terms in the body paragraphs of what you write. One per paragraph. That will give it good structure. But the first paragraph has to be an intro paragraph that mentions a theme that unites all three of these. The first paragraph has to be an intro and makes the reader feel fascinated and interested in the action of the essay.

What is your main purpose? What will you do to change people's experience? Answer these questions as a way of expressing your unique truth, your unique message.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Health Science program" - short answer Bradley University application questions [2]

For reasons I don't know how to explain, "an extremely imperative" does not work.

Reasons being m My sights were been set on ...---I think it probably is never good to use 'reason being' in an essay. It is unnecessarily confusing and colloquial/cliche... Just boldly say what you mean: My sights were set on....---the reader will know that is the reason.

Bradley University in advanced advance.

Bradley University will allow me to work with students just like myself; intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse. This is vague. Replace it with a sentence about a specific short term goal. ;-)

Undergraduate / "Extraordinary" Fav Word UVA Supp Essay [3]

This is valuable stuff.. very good writing for giving the reader an experience. It is intriguing because of the way it shares your way of thinking, which is cool. But you might be neglecting an important opportunity: paragraphs. The next part of making awesome writing is to choose places where you can end a paragraph so that the reader will really pay attention to one important sentence at the end of the paragraph.

And the first sentence of the next paragraph also is sort of distinct. So... use some paragraphs for this. Also, use a hyphen for year-old.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Summer of languages" - Princeton short answer [4]

Awesome, you seem to have some writing talent. Opening up the floodgates of words is one part, and you have that, but then on the revision you should tighten it up and trim away unnecessary words. That is the second part.

I personally believe that o One of the best ways to discover a new culture when traveling is to immerse oneself in the language. The curious dialect and mellifluous intonations of a language delineate a culture unknown. (put these two paragraphs together) "Merhaba!" I heard from the shrill, giddy voices of my relatives as I revisited... Awesome...

When in Turkey, I spend as much time as possible outside, traveling the popular cities and spending time by the sea. This does not qualify for a place in your essay. What is the most important thing? What is the most important thing to accomplish with the essay? Isn't it to make the reader have an unexpected experience of inspiration? Focus on your own aspiration/inspiration, and the reader will be inspired.

The essay is very descriptive. You definitely demonstrate good writing ability, but if it is all description the good impression you make is limited to the impression you make with good description. I want action and a vision for the future... short term goals and action!!! :-)