Writing Feedback / Capital punishment and criminal execution essay [3]

Well.... what is this essay for? Is it for IELTS or TOEFL? It's better you mention this purpose in the topic itself, so that we can provide you with more task related feedbacks. As it appears I guess this is for either IELTS or TOEFL.

Undergraduate / I am now ready to move on something bigger; REASONS for TRANSFER [4]


Being not a native English speaker, I was requested to complete an ESL program while I was planning to apply to study in the USA to be qualified as a full-time student.


However, I performed extremely well at the English placement test that was held to assess the students' English literacy levels and therefore I managed get an exemption from the ESL program.


It was such good news that saved both my time and money.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] agree or disagree the purpose of television is to educate, not to entertain [7]


.... I feel you should take this part to a new sentence. Also, the modern trend is to watch TV individually, not with family or friends.


First, TV is an audio visual media that can grab the attention of the viewers.

Undergraduate / Help others achieve their dreams and you will achieve yours; OT PS [3]


... The most important factor, in my view, for one's sucess is his or her strong desire and deiaton.
I have had several other opportunities over the years that have allowed me to develop a strong desire to work professionally in this field.

Writing Feedback / GRE issue essay about "educational institutes responsability" [4]


.... I wish you improve this line a bit mre;
This responsibility is not limited to ensuring the students a bright future alone. Instead it extends to creating a better society too.
Is this what it means?

Undergraduate / my weight and how it has affected me; Personal Narrative [3]

Well.... I like what you've written. For me it sounds as if you genuinely expressed yourself. It's touchy and factual. Also I likecthe way you present it too. I dont find anything to suggest for improvement. This is good writing and enjoyedcreading it. ?...Good luck!

Undergraduate / Leadership is essential for all aspects and situations in life; FSU - LEADERSHIP [3]


.... this sounds as if this is a complete definition of leadership. However, in my view, it is much more broader concept than what is here.... So, I like if you rephrased this line to give a more balanced view to the reader.

Also, at the end you sum up some leadership qualities that you have brought up in this essay. For example, you've displayed good leadership qualities like responsible, caring, coaching etc.

Undergraduate / NURSING is an exciting and dynamic field ; PS Northeastern U/Direct Entry MSN Program [3]


The nursing field is an exciting and dynamic field that is rapidly developing and establishing its identity as a paramedical stream that works hand in hand with other sectors in healthcare industry. .


.... good point :)
[quote=alexs8]Through oughtThroughout my educational career I admired nurses and their dedication to patientcare for others . quote]

Graduate / PHOTO BOOK; "Life in the Universe"/ One thing to Represent the Human Race [3]


.... book or album? If it's an album it would deal only with the photos :)



... how about social disparities? rich and the poor? for examples, royals and beggars?


These photos should be able to provide a glimpse of our technological advancement in various fields including the progress we have made in the space too.

Writing Feedback / [toefl] Youth do not give enough time to help their society? [7]

Very good efforts and comments by raya1001. I hope you pay attention to all the points raya mentioned, and of course the ones that Pahan has suggested too.


.... First, be clear about the reason what you are going to tell... What is the reason here? It's "Selfish" attitude. So, come up with that straight idea;

First, it is evident that young people today have become more selfish in contrast to the youth in the past.
Also, your examples are pretty confusing for me. :(

Writing Feedback / [GRE] - The indicator of a great nation is represented by the general welfare [3]


From my point view too, I believe that general welfare of citizens needs to be considered as a surest indicator for a great nation over all other factors.

Quite good writing ... Wish you align your writing a bit more with the prompt giving its focus to what you write more.
Good luck with GRE!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Parents are our important teachers during children's life [4]

You are improving with it a lot :)

In the past, society is not as advanced as today's, people can not get good educatin .Consequently, theyhave a lot of other things to do apart from studying for example help their parents to farm and cook , and parents won't invovled their study.However, with the rapid development of technology and science, a swarm of talents and elits continuously emerge.Under this pressure condition, parents feel a strong sense of pressure sothat they will pay much attention to their children's education, hoping their kids would study harder , graduate with a better degree and then get a satisfied job.Besides the compulsory circumstences, they will take their children to learn art, music , sport and so on. Becuse they want their children to have competitiveness among other graduates in the future.[/quote]

This body para follows the structure. However, I wish you shortened it a bit more because you need to be mindful about the time factor too. Avoid repetition.


To begin with, the world today is to a fierce competition almost in everything compared to the eras before.

Writing Feedback / [GRE] - University should require students to take various courses [3]


... Why do you include the word "physically"? I feel many universities deal more with intellectual development and have a little to do with physical development. So I cannot figure out why you included that word.


.... actually, interdisciplinary exposure, especially in disciplines such as finance or management ,is very beneficial in the practical career situations. For example, a doctor may need to manage his team of medical staff efficiently if he'll one day run his own hospital. So, his knowledge in management or accounting would come in help him managing his business.

Undergraduate / My willingness to be at a loss. Mit essay [4]

I too feel the same. The prompt asks you to talk about one of your attributes and its significance to you, how it did impact your life etc. You have understood it differently and answered out of topic.

Re-do this response and post again here.... We'll provide you with our feedbacks. :)

Graduate / Who is an engineer? ; Graduate PS for Safety engineering programme [3]



... this sentence sounds better without the latter part. Also, these things are known facts and they may really be not interested in reading such things. In my feeling, they would want to know you better and you need to present all the facts in a way that the admission panel would be able to understand you as a person.

Since school days, I discovered my keen interest in Mathematics which binds all other sciences

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Parents are our important teachers during children's life [4]

Hi,
First, I have to request you to have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a fresh thread. It helps you too to earn more feedbacks.


.... I wish you came up with a a more catchy line, which is your hook to grab the reader's attention towards your essay.




Nowadays, parents are increasingly involved in their children's education in contrast to those in the past.

Letters / Subject: Personal letter to Your English Instructor [2]

As per your topic it sounds that you need to write a letter to your English instructor.So, I feel it is good if your letter sounds a bit more formal because he is a teacher and not a friend. I wish you adopted a more a formal tone.


.... you are repeating your age twice here.
I was born on the 9th of March in 1999 in Manila, Philippines.

Letters / Recommendation letter for a student,Chemical Engineering [2]


It is with pleasure that I recommend xxxxx, who was my student at ????? (college) for the ????(write the program) at your esteemed institution.


I came to know here when she took the course "Engineering Statistics" that I lectured. Through her role as the student representative, she had frequent interactions with me.


... I think you need to connect these ideas with the previous line;
I was very impressed with her dedication to every task she was assigned to be it academic or social. She being a very responsible and committed student, I have no hesitation to recommend her.

Undergraduate / Surrounded by nutrition; Cornell CALS - experiences/interest in Nutrition [3]


My life has always been surrounded by the topic of nutrition.


... why do you call it the anti-gym?


Being a vegan, I also require a fair knowledge on nutrients to stay healthy.


I was worried about my body weight.


.... being immature twelve year old, I chose simply to skip meals.

Undergraduate / Life is about giving back as much as you have taken; COMMON GOOD; Bowdoin College [2]



Well.... I see a poor connection between the first two lines and this one. Common good generally refers to general welfare which involves giving things to community. But it is a much broader term and I feel it is not justifiable to limit its scope to giving away alone. The first two sentences implies that Common good equals Giving things.


.... I don't see much logic in this sentence :(

Graduate / I love the field of Therapy ; Applying to PT school [3]


I think dmmartinez1492 has got a point. Your content is pretty informative as to give a detailed understanding about your health related experience. However, it sometimes gives a feeling as you are presenting a list of such experiences. What your response lacks is creative presentation of them. For the start you can take one of the most significant experiences and through that you can express your passion towards this field. Then you can talk about the credentials you have earned in this field so far. Then talk about the experiences you gained in this field. Then you can move on to a new para to talk about your future goals ( which I believe would be helpful them to understand why you want to follow this course) in this field and how this course would help you achieve them.

Undergraduate / Not everyone's belief is the same; Texas A&M U [9]

Sorry.... I have made a mistake there;
."... but however much I tried, it only produced my disappointment" .... is that clear now?
You know, I attend to so many threads so that I tend to make errors here and there in my comments. I'm extremely sorry about the confusion. :)


you are welcome!

Undergraduate / Growing up in an Asian-American home, I always felt different; DIVERSITY ESSAY [3]


while they kept having theirs on.


well... here, your first sentence sounds as if the situation is changing. But second and third again talks about the previous times... I think you need to work on that and arrange them in a logical sequence.


For a period of seven to eight months, we engaged in raising funds to go overseas to be involved with some service work.

Letters / Letter:-Your friend Tamer who has been ill in hospital for three weeks. Your name is Samy. [3]


... wrong grammar;
you don't get / you are not getting


I am sorry to learn that you have been hospitalized for treatment. Please stay strong and have a speedy recovery. My thoughts and prayers are always with you and I am sure that you will be alright in a few days. Please also do not worry about absenting for the classes because I can help you with the lessons you miss.

Scholarship / The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page; Questbridge [4]


.... I feel you better combine these two lines;
With my family's poor income it was only in my wildest dreams did I picture myself traveling any time soon.


Then I heard about a scholarship program called Tempe Sister Cities (TSC) which said, " If accepted, the program matches you with a foreign brother or sister to live with for 7 weeks, all traveling expenses paid". Without hesitation I did apply.The selection process was long and finally among 100 applicants, 30 were selected. To my greatest excitement, I was one among them.

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree? it is essential to have ability to plan and organize(TOEFL) [6]

Okkkkkk... yep, you've got a point. But when I read your intro for the first time it didn't strike me that you were supporting that opinion. It's always good to make a clear statement about your position and ideally it should be the last sentence in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree? it is essential to have ability to plan and organize(TOEFL) [6]

This is a good introduction, but it only does not contain the essential feature which is your opinion. In an Agree/disagree essay, you need to conclude the introduction with a sentence that clearly state your opinion.


.... very good :)
Overall, this is a good essay. You display good writing skills , plus you follow the appropriate essay structure. Aim for a good score! :)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Secure job or satisfying job ? Which option would you take? [3]


This is good. I like it if you kept it more general as your prompt suggests. Don't narrow down the scope of your prompt. However, this is your hook and it is done well :)


expertise


This part is the section that you need to discuss the background of the issue. It is not written well. You need to introduce the argument and show why it is necessary to discuss. For example;

In this background, some people feel that if one gets a secured job, he or she should grab it quickly without waiting for another job opportunity which may be more satisfying. However, there are others who do not agree with this view. .... this is it!,the background!


... this is again not a very satisfactory sentence to conclude your introduction. Finish your intro with a firm statement that states your opinion;
My personal view is that if someone is offered a secured job, he or she should take it right away.

Undergraduate / What is fashion to me, and why do I like fasion?; PERFECT CANDIDA for FIT [2]


.... this latter part sounds confusing to me.
Fashion provides a new path for my life and I am eagerly looking forward to being a part of fashion. .... is this what you mean?


Even though all my family members are seriously involved with art, I never had any idea that I too be desperately interested in art.
I see some issues with your flow... Try to arrange your ideas flow more logically.

Undergraduate / I liked the speed, adrenaline rush: How failure affected me and what i learnt from it. [6]




.... I feel this line is not necessary.


Thud! thud! I could hear my heart beat in my ears.


....this is not written well;
.... our coach expressed his disappointment over having the team disqualified and the I had to take the full blame for letting that happen. That moment, I did not know the boundaries of my shame.

Undergraduate / Reading glasses; UW Madison; Something gone unnoticed [3]


Agree.... it's well written and difficult to find any miss for us to comment on .... LOL :D
A few suggestions;


.... better specify what glasses to make it more clear to the reader.


Mothers were bringing their young kids, men were helping their elderly parents find a chair while they were waiting in line.


.... this one sounds a bit confusing about what you really try to mean. Are you talking about the contrast between privileged and underprivileged. Better rephrase this one to convey your thoughts better.

Writing Feedback / [toefl] important business woman; business or house? [2]


this is good :) However, you need to introduce your prompt. In this case it deals with two options, the house or the business! So you need to talk about the other option too.



.... this sentence is confusing. Avoid writing long sentences that may get you carried away at the end. Although is a connector and you cannot have "although" and "but" together in one sentence.

You can write well.... Only you need to follow a more logical structure, which I suggested to you in a little while ago. Train yourself to put your writing in that structure. You can earn good marks by doing so. I'm talking through experience as a TOEFL taker :)

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / Qualities of a good son/daughter? - Cultural influence and Time factor [5]

Of course your essay displays good writing skills, especially with the sentences construction and vocabulary. You can score more if you pay more attention to the essay structure.

I will visit your other essays too and give feedbacks now (since you have only a few dates left)
Have confidence, you can easily score 20/30 and may be even more if you follow this structure. Be mindful about time and do not lengthen your essay unnecessarily. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay Title: Something Different That Day [3]


... By any chance, do you mean fifteen minutes ? quarter minute means one quarter of a minute which literally has no significance.


.... is this your friend's name?


Kids made no noises and no gossips by the aged aunts. My friend too remained quiet.

Scholarship / My initial character building began in fifth grade ; SCHOLASHIP [3]


Of course he needed help and I was the first person he could turned to.


.... here your idea does not flow well.... I wish you rephrased this to convey it clearer.


The combination of both financial reward and the opportunity to make my dad proud set my focus to do my very best in the tasks I am assigned to.


I was asked to work like a bull, but it helped me mature faster than my age. I handled situations with ease when my friends struggled with buried heads. Then I began to appreciate what I once had though my father's cruelty.

Writing Feedback / Qualities of a good son/daughter? - Cultural influence and Time factor [5]


Good opening :)
The definition of a good child differs between cultures. However, in my culture, obedience and kindness are considered be the mandatory qualities of a good son or daughter. .... I tried align that line more with the prompt.


.... you need to combine the two sentences.


.... here there is a confusion as to whom you refer by "they" (parents or children). That's reason why I made that suggestion.


... this idea comes bit rigidly without having a good connection with the previous line. Set up a sound line.
However, now it can be seen that younger generation is drifting away from this cultural norm. They, like the children in most of other countries, do not really care about what their elders feel and wish to be independent in making their decisions.

Scholarship / I normally do not make a habit of relying on people; QUESTBRIDGE BIO-needs cut down! [6]

Let's give a try with your "cut down" request :D


I believe it has a lot to do with the way I grew up and the events surrounding in the past few years.


; stories of our walks to the park on Christmas Day to see the illuminated roadway, of the memories shared between just two of us only.



... this is with you, isn't it? I mean he became a ghostly figure in your life. If so, you need to tell it to the reader at this point .

Writing Feedback / A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation; SAT peparatory essay [3]




In a world of surgeons such simple lies save the need of detailed explanations and time.


... isn't this a question you ask?


should regard/ should be regarded
There are minor grammar mistakes in this essay. Be cautious about them!
Good Luck!

Undergraduate / "You're lucky that you're a Mexican"; Questbridge Biographical [4]


I was in a new school where I felt alien. All the faces were new and unfamiliar. To add on to my confusion, they spoke English which I didn't understand at all.


Our little apartment with bare minimum resources for survival and the absence of my mom, my main inspiration, made me depressed for months. Many times I felt like giving up and succumbing to all the pressures and emotions within me.

Undergraduate / Not everyone's belief is the same; Texas A&M U [9]

Ok.... now it makes sense to me, and may be you can disregard some of my earlier comments where I sounded my confusion :D


.... Sounds better with that word.


I chose to play the flute because I loved the magnificent sounds it makes.


...but however much I tried, it not produced my disappointment.