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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Sep 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / Short biography for TEDX TALK and Marketing proposal [4]

Abdelrahman is an eighteen years old Egyptian high school student who has invented a new inexpensive and eco-friendly recycling method of construction and demolition wastes.

.... I feel it is better if you break up this line into two rather than making it too compact with too many ideas;
Abdelrahman is an eighteen year old high school student from Egypt. He invented an inexpensive eco-friendly recycling method of construction and demolition wastes.

This was the first time for Arabian or Egyptian student to win at this environmental competition.

This was the first time that an Arabian or Egyptian student won an award at this environmental competition.
dumi   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / Multiculturalism ; Accepting more cultures [8]

yet they are all part of who I am.

....yet they all together define who I am.

I am a sister to my brother, a daughter to my parents, and a friend to a friend.

.... try not to repeat the same word and tone.
I am a dear sister to my siblings, an obedient daughter to my parents and a trustworthy friend to my colleagues.

Sister. Daughter.Friend.These words carry different meanings, yet they are all part of who I am. Each word reflects my role in relation to someone else- I am a sister to my brother, a daughter to my parents, and a friend to a friend. I cannot identify myself solely with one position, but rather, I connect with all of them.

.... good idea to enter into this essay :)
dumi   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Children consume too much unhealthy food. Cause & solution? [4]

Unhealthy food consumingconsumption among children is a tragedy of the present age.

Consumption of unhealthy food by children is a tragedy in today's world.

The problem is best explained by parents' influences and the development of food industries,

... it does not give the idea that these are the reasons. Better rephrase this line again.

It is difficult to argue with the idea that parents play a strong role in their children's eating habits.

... I think you should remove the first part. It disturbs your main idea;
Obviously, parents do play a major role in shaping their children's food habits. However, due to work pressures, busy schedules and various social and economic concerns, some parents tend to ignore this factor.
dumi   
Sep 16, 2013
Scholarship / Math, Science,Social studies,Computer,Computer -SUBJECTS- excel or have excelled in. [6]

.... I feel you need to improve presentation a little bit.
Mathematics, Science, Social Studies, Computer, and Chemistry are the subjects I excelled and still continue to excel. I found these subjects pretty straight forward and logical. They do not require me to memorize things by heart and therefore I love find so much enthusiasm in them.
dumi   
Sep 16, 2013
Writing Feedback / [Toefl] spending equal amount of money on libraries and sports? [2]

University students can be divided into two groups, one group with less interest to study and the other which include hard working students.

Well.... I feel you can present this idea better, in a more logical way;
The degree of interest in studies differ among students. Some are very keen on studies while others are not.

Usually the second group's members do not have enough time to do exercise. We all know doing exercise for at least 30 minutes form the basis of the healthy and happy life. But I don't think that equal amount of money should be spent on academic issues like libraries and laboratories and physical or social activities.

Your arguments do not well align with the prompt. Pay more focus to discuss how this money should be allocated. That's what your prompt asks.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Parents are sole responsible for their children's misbehavior. Do you agree? [2]

....the word behavior is getting repeated. This you can present in a more simple way ;
The way that parents act has a major bearing on their children's behavior.

Although some people argue thatchildren have to be responsible for their acts, in my opinion, I believe that parents are only persons who have responsibility for behaviors of their children because children always obey their parents and it is a rule of state law.

... I think your prompt is about parents' responsibility on children's behavior. So you need to align this sentence more with your prompt;
Although some people argue that parents are not solely responsible for their children's misbehavior, I believe that they are primarily held responsible for such misconducts.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Use ipads and mobiles in class or stay with hard copy books? [4]

There is no doubt that the education and learning process has changed since the coming of technology

There is no doubt that teaching methods and learning process have come under the heavy influence of advance technology.

Consequently, a number of schools and university allow their students to use the tablets computer such as IPad or Galaxy Tab during the class.

Well... you need to discuss both sides of the argument. Try this structure for the introduction;
Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt.
Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue by introducing the two sides of the argument.
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / 【IELTS2】Suggest measures that could be taken to reduce impact of ageing populations. [3]

It is true that theaverage of age has been increasing in many developed countries.

... what do you mean by "average of age"? this does not happen only in developing countries but in other parts of the world too :)

The first problems we can anticipate is that healthcare demands will increase by rising the number of the elderly.

The first issue with this aging population is that there would be a heavy demand for healthcare facilities.

This trend makes young people's burden higher when it comes to tax.

... you need to pay attention to grammar !
This situation may burden young people with higher taxes.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships that people make [3]

The boom of technological advancement has brought about the significant changes in human's life, especially in communication.

The rapid growth of technology has brought about significant changes in human lives, especially in their relationships.

Both beneficial and detrimental effects of technology on people's relationship will be discussed in my writing.

... this is a confusing statement. It has some grammar issues too. You better rephrase this sentence.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Graduate / Finally Seeing Myself as a Grown-Up (Temple University) [4]

When I first started at Temple University I was unable to see myself as a "grown-up", even though I started classes a week before my 20th birthday.

I feel you need to add more feelings to this writing as it is more or less speech writing;
I remember how naive I was when I began my classes at the Temple University just one week before my 20th birthday.

I had believed that I would always see myself s a child.

That time I was a kid in every respect.

However, through my experience at Temple University, I started to see myself as a "grown-up".

However, I began to mature much faster than I could have even imagined through my experiences with Temple University.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE Issue;Ability of human thinking may deteriorate with dependence on technology [3]

I think you need to improve the presentation of your essay. You need to have a clear Introduction, Body paragraphs and finally the conclusion. At a glance, these features should be seen clearly. I hope the following link may help you improve your essay structure for this task: /blog/gre/2012/02/03/how-to-structure-the-issue-essay/
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] CAM9 - WRITING TASK 1 - REPORT AN ISLAND BEFORE AND AFTER CONSTRUCTION [3]

Very good writing. You follow the right structure for this task too.

The two maps show the growth of an island before and after the construction for tourism.

....
The two maps show the contrast of tourist facilities of an island before and after the construction activities.
You write well and wish you good luck with IELTS :)
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / host country ought to support cultural difference; local customs and behaviour [5]

Advance technology has enhanced the growth oftouristtourism around the world.

.... very good hook :)

It is certainly true that different nation for separated customs, culture and the way of life.

It is the fact that different nations have their own different customs, beliefs, traditions, cultures and way of life.

Record number of people conjecture,

... this is pretty confusing.... be careful when you use synonyms. Don't use them if you don't know the exact usage of them because they may give very different impressions :(
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / It's not pointless to strive to keep traditional skills and life style alive. [4]

Hi
I think you need to pay attention to the essay structure. Your essay should have an introduction, body paragraphs and finally a conclusion paragraph.
This is the format I suggest for your introduction;
Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt.
Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue by introducing the two sides of the argument.
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion.
Also, please post your IELTS essays into Writing Feedback forum.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS]Task 2: Generally believed that some people are born with certain talents [4]

I partially agree with the statement that some people are born with talents for music or sports since i believe that it is true that children can be trained to become a good sportsperson or a musician too.
All of these claims come down to one thing ultimately and that is passion. It can be seen throughout history that certain people show passion at a very early age than others which has led them to be a successful sportsperson or a musician and earn the title "talent by birth". If "talent by birth" is to be believed then such an individual should always win and would also require no/ minimum requirement for training.

Hi.... You need to pay attention to your essay structure - Your essay needs to contain an introduction, body paragraphs and a conclusion. This is the format for your introduction;

Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt.
Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue by introducing the two sides of the argument.
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Succees because of hard work- luck has nothing to do with it; it has been proven [2]

There are a lot of persons in over the world who have always tried arduously every hour

This is not grammatically correct. Also, it does not covey your idea clearly. Better re-phrase!

Only a little of them have prospered it is most likely in every field from sport to cinema or even employees in a typical company.

Only a few of them have prospered. .... the latter part is pretty confusing.
Try this structure for your introduction;
Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt.
Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue by introducing the two sides of the argument.
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion.
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Task1:Table on consumer spending information in 5 countries on different item [7]

This is the structure I suggest for this task;
Introduction - Introduce the graph title (e.g. The table depicts the percentage of national consumer expenditure by category in the year 2002 for five selected countries such as Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey.)

Overview - Give a brief overview about the trends
Details - Give more details with statistics
dumi   
Sep 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / During the first years after graduation students are usually full of health and energy [4]

Although many people believe that the college years are the best time in a person's life, my opinion is different. I suppose that the first years after a graduation from a university, when a person starts working and becomes independent, are really the best time in a life. And I have several reasons in support of my thinking

Well.... You do write impressively and no doubts about that. However, I think you better change the structure for your introduction. This is what I suggest;

Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt. In this essay, I do not find a hook

Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Child Abuse and what it did to me; Event that changed my life (Common App) [6]

I learned that shortly after my 11th birthday. My key opponent, my father.

I learned that shortly after my eleventh birthday; My key opponent was my father.

My first battle ever was lost to the one man I hated most.

.... this puzzles me a bit.... why do you say it's your father the man you hated the most? It sounds a bit unethical too because it gives a different meaning to your father & son relationship. ... why not use a word like "fear" ;

My first battle was lost to the man I feared the most.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Undergraduate / My character strongly reflects the core and foundations of physical therapy; PTCAS [4]

however it gave way to my interest in physical therapy

however, it paved the way to find my interest in physical therapy.

It was weeks before I sought out for help.

...this line seems to be disturbing your flow... I feel you better rephrase this one

I was unsure of whom to seek help from whether it be a doctor, athletic trainer or a physical therapist.

I was unsure of which person to approach for help; doctor, athletic trainer or a physical therapist?

He performed a series of stretches that helped alleviate some of the pain that I was experiencing. There was one particular stretch performed that caught me by surprise.

combine the two lines;
He performed a series of stretches that helped relieve my pain and one of which caught me by great surprise.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Work during GAP Year; Good or Bad? [4]

Hi,
Sorry for being late to provide you with my comments. Before everything, I have a few requests for you that may also help you earn more feedbacks. Include the purpose of writing (IELTS, TOEFL,GRE etc.) in your topic in the subject field and then open your essay in the Writing Feedback forum. Also, include the prompt in your essay so that others get a clear idea as to what it requests.

I guess this is an IELTS or TOEFL essay. If so, follow this structure;
Introduction - Introduce your prompt and state your opinion
Body Paragraph 1 ; 1st Reason for your opinion + Specific example to support it
Body Paragraph 2; 2nd Reason + Example
Conclusion
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Exploitation of animals is bad! [6]

While some people are of the opinion that animals must be exploited for the needs of humans being such as food, medical research, entertainment and education, others believe that it is important to treat animals in the same way humans are and have similar rights. This essay will discuss both points of view.

Well... this is the structure I generally recommend for the essay introduction for this task;
Hook - Write a sentence that can grab reader's attention and also has a direct relevance to your prompt. In this essay, I do not find a hook

Background of the Issue - Discuss the issue - You've done this with your first sentence
State your opinion - Conclude your introduction with stating your opinion. You can discuss both views in body paragraphs.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / IS DEMOCRACY REALLY RELIABLE - PROFICIENCY ESSAY [3]

It was invented by Aristotle as a system for administiring the Ancient Greek.

Well, there have been similar administrations taken place in India among Lichchavi rulers much earlier than Aristotle's era. You better mention about that too. Google and find out details of this. This statement sounds a bit too straight and rigid as to this had been the birth of democracy. I think it should be said in a more general manner that would be more convincing to the reader.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Undergraduate / Better prepare myself for my future; Student program/ GOALS [3]

College presents opportunities to sharpen skills, establish bonds, participate in various activities and develop as an individual. As a student attending college, there are goals that I hope to achieve throughout my experience. One of my goals is to better prepare myself for my future by studying the trade skill that I will center my career around. Additionally, I want to have a well rounded education about the world in which I live in. It is also one of my goals to meet new people and establish mutually beneficial relationships that promote success. I believe that I can reach all of these objectives within my time as a student in college.

.... I highlighted the sections that speak of more or less the same idea repeatedly. I think it's good if you try to avoid repetitiveness as it disturbs creative presentation of your response.

I see myself pursuing a career in a Finance-related field, particularly because the management and function of money is something which I thoroughly enjoy. Hence, it follows that in order to be successful in a career involved in Finance, I should have a much deeper understanding of what Finance entails.

... this is fine because it talks about what you really aim to achieve in college.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Graduate / My dream growing up, but not stopping there;MSN (FNP): [6]

.not sure how to do it with 500 words nor do i know what to cut out!!! Ugh these essays are going to be the death of me.

Lol... yes, they do :D
Let's see whether I can be of any help to cut the word count;

In my childhood, boys wanted to become astronauts or firemen, and girls princesses or teachers.

.... here you can pick what is relevant to you;
Like many other little girls I too dreamed of becoming a princess or a teacher.

Growing up I knew what I wanted to be, a nurse. I am one of the few that knew her dream early on, and gets to live it now.

However, growing up, I soon found my real passion in nursing and began to pursue it.
dumi   
Sep 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; WRITING TASK 1 - TELEPHONE CALLS BY CATEGORY [6]

The bar chart indicates changes in the amount of minutes of telephone calls which include local phones, national and international phones and mobile phones in the UK during 8 years since 1995 to 2002.
In the first place, the time of local phone calls each year went up from 1995 to 1999, hitting a peak in 1999, about 90 millions, then declined rapidly in the following years. On the other hand, over the same period, the use of national and international phones showed an upward trend as a replacement of local phones, had an average increase by approximately 2.8 millons per year.

This is report writing. So limit your introduction to introduce the graph title. In this introduction you have some details and in my view it is not necessary for a report. Then start a new paragraph to inform the major trends their to give an overview of its presentation. Details should follow thereafter.

Hope this helps :)
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / The usage of free time properly; Relax or Improve mind? [2]

It is important to use the free time sensibly in today's busy and stressful life.

.... good start... this is the type of hook I like :)
However, your essay is poorly structured. I cannot find the parts - introduction, body paragraphs and the conclusion separately. Everything is in one bunch. You need to work on the structure. Have those parts in different paragraphs. What's the purpose of this writing/ IELTS ? TOEFL? Mention that in the topic in your future essays so that we can provide more task related feedbacks :)
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age [6]

With the incredible economic growth, the working and living condition has been significantly improved in recent decades.
This line has little relevance to the main argument which talks about retirement age. May be it has, but not direct. You better begin your essay with a stronger hook that is directly related to the prompt task and also has the power of grabbing reader's attention.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Undergraduate / A good song is like a time machine; What work challenged you, and in what way? [2]

One song in particular picks me up and drops me into my thoughts better than most

One song in particular inspires me and gets me to ponder into deep thoughts.
Well... I think you need to focus more on the field you choose to talk, than particular elements (such as songs). That's what I feel. You can have them as examples to convince your arguments but you need to talk about the significance of how that particular field surprised, unsettled or challenged you.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / The mystery of Angelica /descriptive piece [4]

If looks could kill many people would have been dead by now.

... this is a confusing sentence. What do you try to mean ? I feel you better rephrase it or remove it completely

They couldn't even ignore her.

However, they could not ignore her too.

The people belonged to her now and they were her servants.

....Why you say "people belonged to her"? Or do you mean "people who had close contacts with her" ?
I feel you better improve clarity of the latter section :)
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Undergraduate / No one is born an Einstein; Influential essay commonapp [4]

From my other post I changed my whole essay. Any help would be greatly appreciated on the essay below.

The second one starts with a better hook :)

but generally children start to get a grasp of the education material at a fairly young age.

... this is pretty confusing, I cannot get your idea clearly :(

It would not have happened so in my case if I did not have this special person called Brian Marslack to show me the right path in life.

For me, it would have not happened if I did not meet this special person, Brian Marslack who was always my guiding lamp in the right path in life.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; WRITING TASK 1 - TELEPHONE CALLS BY CATEGORY [6]

The bar chart indicates changes in the amount of minutes of telephone callstaken which include local phones, national and international phones and mobile phones in the UK during 8 years since 1995 to 2002

Seems you are good with writing. I suggest you this structure for this task;
Introduction (what you've done is fine)
Overview ( briefly discuss the overall trends without going to details)
Details (here give more statistical feedbacks)
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / The reasons of an increase in social problems involving teenagers [6]

There is no doubt that adolescents are increasingly involved in criminal activities. A vast majority of folks blame their working parents for this unprecedented rise in youth illegal acts as the father and mother does not spare enough time to keep an eye on their children. In my opinion, the whole family unit is responsible for this rising communitymattersocial issue .

... very good introduction :)
Young fellowsYouth spend more time on nonun productive acts thanignoring their prime focus- studies

Parents, on the other hand, work long hours so that they could buy better home and cars.

Parents, on the other hand, focus more on their career and work long hours in hope of enhancing the quality of living of their families.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should all countries have laws to prevent animals being used in circuses ? [4]

Hi,
I understand you are new to the forum. Just to let you know a few things about posting your essays here. All IELTS essays need to be opened in Writing Feedback forum. Then you need to have a meaningful topic in the subject field when opening a new thread.

Personally, I am convinced that there is no reason why animals should be utilized in recreational activities thanks to the following explanations .

Include the following parts in your introduction - Hook, Background of the issue, Your opinion.
You have these features in the intro you have written, but they don't show up in full strength.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / ielts do you agreewith the private companies support science rather than government [3]

In the recent days, a more popular phenomenon was coming up with instead the private companies always pay more investment for the science rather than the government who should do this.To explore why this phenomenon would occurred, we need to considerate both rewarding issue and for what kind of role did the government or companies play.

I guess you follow this format for the introduction;
Hook - Begin your essay with a strong sentence that captures reader's attention and also relates well with your prompt. (e.g. Scientific research plays a vital role in advancing technology further and further.)

Background of the issue - Discuss the issue stated by the prompt and highlight its significance
Your Opinion - State your opinion .
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / Toefl; Ability to relate well to people is more important than studying hard [5]

There are lots of arguments that the educational systems pay more attention to academic issuesprogress of the students rather than improving social networking for them.

we should be able to handle a good relations with our coworkers

we should be able to maintain sound relationships with our coworkers.

The main goal of building societies was to survive.

... this is a confusing line, your idea is not conveyed properly. You better improve this sentence.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Undergraduate / work experience/ extracurricular activity : Princeton/Stanford [6]

It was an honor working at such a high important and prestigious environment place,with great opportunities to interactinteracting with one of the most powerful persons in my country.

I felt important, a recognized person who have made his name in the society and hope to get more such opportunities in future.

I think this does not add much value for your case.
You better be a bit more detailed about what you did there and its significance to the society and to you too.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / My Holiday (quick weekend) essay [6]

Last weekend passed so quick with me

The last weekend passed by too quickly for me.

There waswere a few things to worry about before school start such as new clothes, material and equipment.

There were a few things - "were" refers to "few things" which is plural
I gotbought two jeans and three t-shirts .... one shirt/ three shirts

As the sun set was the time I arrived home to get ready for tomorrow.

As the sun set, I arrived home and got ready for the next day's work.
dumi   
Sep 13, 2013
Writing Feedback / People are not paying attention to environmental protection [3]

For which task you wrote this essay? Is it for IELTS? or TOEFL or some class assignment. It's good to mention the task so that we can provide you with more task related comments. :)

they are very useful for me.thanks you very much

Yes, septem1821 has provided a very good feedback for you. Thanks septem1821.

1) pollution is one of the causes of environmental instability and the task is about the environmental protection. so, I think you should not have used pollution in the introduction part.

This is a good point. You need to highlight the key point of your prompt and introduce the same. The key point here is that people do not pay enough attention to environmental protection. So start your introduction with an effective hook that talks about the environment;

The survival of all living beings depends upon the environment.
Then tell the Background of this issue;
Therefore, it is our responsibility to protect the environment. However, the people pay very less attention in this regard.
dumi   
Sep 12, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Students should be organised into groups or study alone [4]

but also help them to develop teamwork skills

But also help them develop social skills such as team work.

Though, both methods have their own benefits which need to consider carefully.

I find this as meaningless sentence. Your introduction sounds etter withoutit.

First of all, studying in groups is crucial to enhance cooperatedsocial skills for students which is required in the future careers.

First of all, studying in groups is crucial for learning team spirit for the students that may benefit them immensely in their future careers.

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