Undergraduate / "To invite the NYU college administrator to my room" - NYU Common App [3]

I've n I had never seen a black man other than in movies till until I was 12, at the Seoul subway during the 2002 Korean World Cup. ---this is an excellent first sentence for the essay! Very precise and intriguing.

...whom I thought was some kind of African fruit at that time. ---awesome!! I am impressed with your great way of thinking... very clever.

A fe w days later, on TV I accidentally saw

I've thought of naming everyone from Socrates to Jesus Christ, all those...

...made me retrospect reflect on my life, and then start ...

I want to tell him kinds of books I like, my unique sleeping habits, and my dream about becoming a diplomat, and lastly why I would like to attend this school.

When I am done speaking, I want to ask him how did he get he got this job, and what are some funny anecdotes about essays he had to scrutinize. through . I like your way of thinking, and I think it is going to make you very successful!

Undergraduate / Why I am Who I am: common app choose your own topic [3]

Beautiful description in this first paragraph is very impressive!
made my nose cringe on strolls to the dairy farm. (Add a thesis statement here at the end of the first paragraph)

Google this: how to write a thesis statement.

Everything about this essay is great, and I really am enjoying it. BUT it does lack "structure." Google this, too: How to write paragraph topic sentences.

It helps to make each paragraph begin with a sentence that expresses the main idea of the paragraph. What is the most important message/theme of this essay?

:-)

Undergraduate / India- Incredible, hectic, noisy, confusing, historic, beautiful. UW ESSAY, HELP?! [4]

Out of Of the five countries in which I have lived , India was the most intriguing.

How can you describe living in a city with over 12 million people? ---You should name the city in the first sentence of the essay. ...in which I have lived, New Delhi, India was the most...---no... this sounds awkward, too! You should change the second sentence instead: How can I describe living in New Delhi, a city with over...

"Aren't they dying under all that those layers of clothing?" I wondered. I was not used to India at first. Personal space did not exist in this world, and I had to endure

I am so fortunate for living having lived in a country that so many people dreamed dream of visiting.

:-) thanks for this great discussion of New Delhi! It made me even more curious about India.

Undergraduate / "I realized realized there is no Santa Claus" - Find x, university of chicago [2]

...dressed him a red coat, which reminds consumers about the image of Coca-Cola as a way of improving sales, since decreasing in sale of cokes during the winter. (Add a thesis statement here before ending the paragraph).

This is the issue that has concerned many scientists (as well as traveling salesmen).

With five cities, it does not take too much time because there are only 120 possible ways. ---awesome! I am really enjoying this essay.

At the end, maybe you should do this:...in their own way.

I hope you do not have to cut out too much of this essay, because it is great! Please type it all over again below, using the corrections you have been given in this thread. Practice the correct grammar by speaking the sentences aloud as you type according to the corrections you get at EssayForum.

:-)

Undergraduate / Influential person (mother and my own carelessness) - common app essay [3]

I agree that the intro needs work.

When I was born to the world, my mother experienced a huge hemorrhage that probably capable of taking her life because she was too old for giving birth. The result was that _________________. Despite my mother's sacrifice when she gave birth, I have been treated as an equal among my siblings. (Add a thesis statement here before ending the first paragraph. It should be a sentence about the significance of this complicated birth, and it should also be about the main message of the whole essay).

Google this: thesis statement

I like this---> her image was secretive yet stupendous.

You have some brilliant description and reflection in this essay. I am excited about your potential as a writer! The best thing to do is work on that intro paragraph as I explained above. Can you reread the essay and identify a single message that is the MAIN IDEA of the essay? Express it in 1 sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / How Cross Country changed my life (150 words)- activity statement [3]

At the end, stop it before going too far:
shown me the value of hard work and dedication. not only to running, but to life.

:-)

Also, trim here:
To me though , it is time...

Great topic, but you can dig deeper. It is still too common this way. You make it unique by talking about the Sat morning practice and the additional challenges, but still there is deep meditative focus in running that you can relate somehow to your vision of the future. How will this meditation help you in the future? It definitely will, because unless someone practices another form of meditation you have an advantage over them because of this state of mind you now know so well. Give a bit more of your unique way of expressing the insight that comes with running.

Undergraduate / "Anonymous Donor" - Common App - Most influential person [3]

...I never found out her real name, but I will forever remember her by her online screen name, "Lady_Shahdie".---You already mentioned that you did not know her real name.

You have a great theme in this essay. It reminds me of a book I once read called The Path is the Goal.

You know what I think would be best? You should not write that first paragraph about her. You should write it about the concept. The essay is really about the concept. I know it is supposed to be about her, but your theme is great and it is still about her even if the first paragraph is about that concept.

However, it is good to have this online version be all about her, because she will probably do a search for her screen name some time and find you here. :-)

Capitalize Internet.

Graduate / SOP for PhD in Planning: 2 technical questions and the article for your comments [4]

Let's keep the momentum up in this second sentence of the essay:
Having a background in both Experience in architecture and politics compels me toward the study of potential...

The first sentence is great, but the phrase that came before the comma in the second sentence killed the forward momentum.

Also, I suggest "sharpening" the thesis statement by adding a sentence AFTER that last sentence of the first paragraph. Add a sentence that establishes a memorable THEME, perhaps one with a key word or term that you would like the reader to mentally associate with you.

be it postmodern as it may, by its social-spatial outcome---do you mean that the social-spacial outcome is pragmatic and that it is surprising that something that reflects postmodern style can be pragmatic despite its abstract nature? This seems like a cool idea, but you should explain it.

This gets better and better as I continue to read, and as long as the reader does not get too confused you will do very well with this. It shows that you are already knowledgeable... and the best way to revise is to simplify and improve clarity. But you should feel very confident. And the way you presented this makes it okay to cite professors from all over, not just the university to which you're applying.

Welcome to EssayForum!

:-)

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computers Science in the field of computer networks (NOS) [2]

The best way to get a lot of people to respond to your essay is to go give responses to other people's essays in the "unanswered" category. :-)

...my first year of under-graduation undergraduate studies, when student council decided to setup computer ...

... University administration perceived as necessary.

I consider myself fortunate to interact with and learn from the best minds in the country, both in my college and at workplace.

During my undergraduate studies degree , I participated in Robogames, representing my college at Techkriti, IIT Kanpur, and won third prize. (add a sentence before this sentence. Make it a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.

... the industry faces will help me to be in devising unique solutions to problems of much larger magnitude.

Good luck! This is very impressive. You can improve it by working to clarify one interesting, memorable THEME that the reader will associate with you.

:-)

Book Reports / Literary Fog Essay- One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest [5]

...on Chief himself .

You used the active voice very well in this essay. You also use the present verb tense, which is a great way to write about literature.

The best way to improve your writing is to ask yourself what the main message of the essay is... and then sum up that message in a single sentence. Put that sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

Do that, and you will be writing excellent essays!

Can you tell me what the teacher said was wrong with your verb tense? Also, do you have questions about passive voice?

Research Papers / Thesis Statement about the State of Hawaii (history, economy, population, local gov) [2]

It's all about he timing. If you write all the body paragraphs, and you are writing paragraps abut a lot of great articles you have found, you will soon be ready to come up with a very meaningful observation about Hawaii.

In fact, you cannot help coming up with one. If you write paragraphs about the main ideas of 5 or 10 articles, you cannot help noticing something interesting about the culture on those islands.

When you notice something interesting, a concept that the articles make you think of, you can write out it at the end of the first paragraph.

Then, go back and revise the body paragraphs so that they all highlight that main idea, that thing you noticed.

:-)

Graduate / The Stitches of an Aspiring Architect (autobio-graduate architecture application) [2]

It was a dance between of imagination and practicality and in the end I designed a home worthy of second place in the local design competition.---that is my only suggestion. I don't want to mess with perfection!

Here is my challenge for you. Look at each paragraph and see which one is the least important. Replace it with a paragraph that expresses an idea that comes from what you already know about how it is to work as an architect, and show that you already read a lot of articles in professional journals for architects.

The purpose of this challenge is to increase your strategic cleverness without detracting from the inspiration. If you mess with inspired writing and try to make a lot of changes, you might ruin it. But if you strategically add a paragraph tat will definitely impress the reader, that can enable you to build on what you already have.

:-)

Undergraduate / "SKETCHING is my obsession" - essay regarding my hobby-MIT [5]

Why would you ever have to abnegate it? Do not use big words just for the sake of using them.
ersatz yet aboriginal, monotonous yet appealing, look dull yet fascinating .

The second half of the essay is good, because it expresses real ideas. The first half of the essay does not really have much meaning; it is just a collection of big words.

Use hyphens: day-to-day

activities. and of others.

...reading people's face expressions is becoming part of my personality. ---awesome... this gets really good at the end!

Undergraduate / "Without freedom of speech, the world would be biased." - issue and its importance [2]

Hi Wilson, I see that Varchas made many corrections! Please practice typing it the way Varchas instructed, and that will eliminate your errors.

I will help with some more of the essay:

Ha ha, this part is excellent! I am having a hard time finding errors... I like this -----> Now get back to your class and just yell out your brilliant ideas. I believe the teacher will be on your side when your friends mock you. We are not in the Soeharto's regime anymore, son."

It is brilliant to connect freedom of speech with confidence in class. I never thought of it that way!

Practice typing the essay and including the corrections! You will soon be able to write in English with no errors.

:-)

Undergraduate / "From Chess I have learned" - something for pleasure [7]

Put an apostrophe in peoples. Also, I'm not sure if Chess is a proper noun or not, but you capitalized it one time but not others... so check that out.

The essay is written with the complexity of a chess match! That is kind of cool. I do not choose to write that way, because I think people do not really like it. However, you should keep some of it. Just... try to get rid of maybe 2 or the unnecessarily complex words. But bastion is cool!

I think addle is not right there.... At times when I feel addle, for my felicity, I play chess, what the game that appeals the most to me. I was going to make a suggestion, but then I crossed it all out! That first sentence should express the idea that chess puts you in your favorite state of mind. (That will make it fit with the next sentence, about breathing easy.)

:-)

Undergraduate / the warmest sun in my life-- Harvard admission essay [7]

Let's take the word meditation out of those ' ' marks. It is a perfectly valid word for the baby's intense focus before speaking a word.

Today is your birthday; what beautiful wishes are you going to make?

This essay is so very cool... I don't want to suggest any changes. It is great that it is written in the 2nd person perspective and directed to her... the AO reader is going to love it, and we are all lucky you shared it.

Undergraduate / "This freedom to choose whatever I want" Why Brown Supplement [4]


Hey, I like the beginning but advise against keeping it. "Everything" is not an acceptable response, and it is for the same reason not acceptable here. "Everything" is a typical answer from the kind of kid that does not have any ideas in mind, too preoccupied with fashion or games or other distractions.

I think you have a great theme, though. I just suggest introducing it in a different way. And I suggest this reluctantly, because you really did introduce this in a clever way. It might be my own hangup that makes me want you to not say "everything" in the essay. But you clearly are interested in science rather than psychology, literature, etc. So... let the intro to this essay give you definition, even if it is a little "reductive" in the process.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to achieve my goal in a timely manner" - Why Boston University? in 5 or 6 sentences. [3]


This part is not very strong, because it tells the reader something different than what you intend it to tell. It tells that you have money and prestige on your mind, and it wastes time with a cliche about "making a difference."

I think you should do some more reading. Read some great memoirs of physicians. Read the work of someone whose specialization appeals to you. THEN, you will have some fresh ideas and insights in mind, and they will be reflected in the essay.

Think about what this says about you: provides outstanding medical education but it also shortens the overall period of study...

Be strategic, and use words that instill in the reader a sense of inspiration. Get specific with your philosophy of medicine and intentions for the future. :-)

Undergraduate / Top 5 Reasons to attend Virginia Tech in 250 words [3]

, which provides provide students with an immense number of opportunities. ---your way actually is not necessarily wrong, depending on what is doing the providing in the sentence as you intend it, but in order to avoid looking likt you might have poor grammar you can just add the s.

In addition to the (large amount of educational benefits--this is a very cumbersome way to say something that is really simple. Maybe you can find a more creative way to express this idea) on campus, there are ...

also various off campus facilities ...at any sporting event. All this stuff... it is stuff you could say about any school. You should make the essay specific to this school.

It is desirable to be a part of the Hokie Nation after witnessing the bond athletics brings among the students. ---this is better, because it is meaningful and focused on the school.

In addition to the large variety of varsity sports, there are many intramural sports offered on campus. All colleges have this stuff..

I think you should take out all details that could be said about any college, and replace them with discussion of your specific career plan, and your goals, etc. Who are your favorite academic writers and professors? What areas of specialization appeal to you? Get specific with your plan so that you can discuss the school in relation to your plan.

:-)

Because I played volleyball in high school, I am interested in possibly playing on an intramural volleyball team as a student at Virginia Tech. The 16:1 student to faculty ratio will make the educational experience very beneficial, as there will be plenty of staff attention in the classroom. All this "brochure" stuff is unhelpful.

Lastly, the location of the campus is ideal. The most important thing to do is develop your plan, your DETAILED plan for your future, and revise so that it is reflected in the essay.

Undergraduate / To become a CAD Designer: Writing a personal admission eassy for digital school [3]

The only way to do a good job on something like this is to read 5 or 10 articles written by and about CAD designers, and takenotes until you have collected at least 20 new facts or ideas about the work.

Then, DEMONSTRATE your advanced knowledge of the field by answering these questions with reference to the facts you have collected. If you do that, you will be ahead of the other applicants! It is a matter of being proactive about your online research, just like everything else in life. :-)

Undergraduate / "Expect the Unexpected" Personal Statement [3]

You should keep the perspective the same during that cool first sentence:
In life everyone is handed an eight-color box of crayons, and is up to them to find out how many possible color combinations there are.

And when you go to this next sentence, you should keep it connected to the crayon metaphor:
I was forced to switch schools countless times, and it caused my crayons to ________________ (if you do not connect it to the crayon metaphor right away, it seems "non sequetor" ("does not follow" what you were talking about). I went from Commonwealth High school to Colegio Catňlico Notre Dame, and add something interesting to this sentence to keep the reader's attention.

Your job is to multitask: inform the reader of the necessary info, and intrigue the reader with a little finesse in each sentence.

I like all your ideas! Just do more to "delight" the reader's senses. That is a funny way to explain it, but it's accurate.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The president of the Ardenne High Science Club" - Extra-cuuricular activities [4]


This is the part that is impressive. It has the magic words. The way people communicate is more superficial than you might expect. They respond to certain words that impress them and make them recognize something they associate with good qualities -- exciting, innovative, role as president... the fact that you use these words impresses the reader.

However, in the first half of the essay you have few magic words.

So... as you revise, consider the feeling you want to instill with the words you choose to use. :-)

Undergraduate / Ga Tech"your academic background that is important to you"" [4]

You can increase the power of this sentence by taking out some unnecessary words:
...peeing on my lovely carpet just beside my lovely bed with an innocent look. ---I think the mention of the bed might detract from the reader's experience of your intended effect.

Here is a place where I think the meaning is redundant:
I am sure that all of my relatives and friends will try to persuade me not to study biology because of its toughness and the difficulty, but I never ...

I like the theme of the essay. It makes me think of the word "single-minded." Looking neither backward nor sideways, you focus on your goal.

This essay seems familiar! Maybe you talked about the same subject in a different essay I have seen? You are a good writer!

Grammar, Usage / The basic human needs etc. need to paraphrase these sentences [4]


I would revise it this way:
Interact with other people

Interesting new experiences

Finding a sense of fulfillment.

I hope that helps you!

Scholarship / "Being modest or not" - Why Do I deserve this scholarship more than anyone else? [5]

It's good to express an attitude that is grateful and enthusiastic. If you are given a scholarship, you are certainly going to take steps to improve some aspect of the world. Tell us about a plan for making a big splash. You do not need to get caught up in the awkward semantics associated with "deserving it more than others"... just muster some enthusiasm and describe your vision for the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "College is like a triathlon" - personal statement-triathlons [4]

You did a good job with this theme. I like it... the only thing that is missing is a REASON for your willingness to spend so much energy working toward your goal.

I think this sentence is not helpful in expressing what you want to express: Whether it involves running five miles before school, cycling for hours to Central Park, or practicing drills in the pool, it all pays off in the end. It is better to write a sentence about something that is so important to you that you want to dedicate yourself to it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my preferred type of learning and community" - Why University of Chicago? [6]

I was absolutely baffled, and I so casually thought to myself that I wanted to go to University of Chicago, not fully aware of how prestigious it actually was .

Don't use too many adverbs... adverbs are evil:
... was extremely enthralling. ---adverbs suck the life out of your writing.

I believe that the University of Chicago strives to create a society where ...Honestly, I think University of Chicago is one of the very few universities that encourage this type of learning.---is there any truth to this? Is this school unique with regard to this type of learning, or are you just saying that it is? If it is really true, tell me what it is that makes it true. Is it the theme expressed on the website? Is it the atmosphere as YOU perceiveit? Be specific, and tell what makes the school better than others for YOU.

I like the way you wrote most of this! It has sincerity and clarity. I think, though, that you should focus more on your plan. I hope you wake up thinking about your career options and gto to sleep thinking about your career options. I hope you revise the essay to show how much thought you put into your career options.

:-)

Undergraduate / "My experience at the Hospital" Common application [4]

Hi Giyoung, the best way to get a lot of people to look at your essay is to go comment on other people's essays. Help them, and ask them to help you.

...entered the Emergency emergency room

I know that my path to becoming a doctor will be extremely long, difficult and competitive, but as long as I have the heart constantly wanting to help people, I will someday make my dream come true. This part at the end does not carry much meaning! I'm sorry to criticize writing that came from you, but I want to suggest doing something a little different. This essay, in general, is very, very powerful. You achieved something that most writers can't achieve... it starts with a really emotive discussion of feeling violated and being strapped down like an animal... absolutely making the reader experience it with you... and then at the end you reveal that your motivation comes from a desire to give the right kind of care. It's perfect! Convincing.

But that line at the end is too obvious. Do not talk about how difficult it will be. It is so obvious that it does not need to be mentioned. What you need to mention is your philosophy of medicine, some areas of possible specialization in your future... and some ARTICLES you have recently read. If you are going to succeed, you must be reading articles in medical journals and googling around to understand the difficult terminology. YOu have to be proactive, and show them in this essay that you have been reading.

:-)

Graduate / "to make medical care more accessible for the poor" - Master in public health [3]

...serving the country by doing this job, and this realization stimulated in me a sense of humanity and the significance of the human bond, especially required for the health care profession.

Why do you talk about diversity in the intro paragraph? Is the essay prompt a question about diversity? I think you should use that intro paragraph to talk about what you want to do based on your philosophy of medicine. Some people just want to make money, but some people feel passionate about a particular kind of medicine and they want to make a meaningful contribution.

I see that your passion is this-----> to make medical care more accessible for the weakest members of society and implement the principles and concepts I have learned to tackle some of the most formidable diseases faced by us today as a species. This is a beautiful idea. I think you should talk about this in the first paragraph!!!

Excellent... I am excited about your future. I think all readers will be impressed. But you should take out the part at the beginning about diversity. Replace it with a discussion of your real idea, which is to improve the lives of struggling people in this world.

Undergraduate / "Laugh at yourself and at life" - Stanford Essay: Letter to a Roommate [3]


This sentence does not successfully connect the idea of para #1 to that of para #2.

The quote about laughing at yourself and life also has significance pertaining to the way we cope with our own mortality. Deeper analysis of that quote would help...

That quote is excellent, and you improved my day by including it here! I just think you can give a few more sentences to explain the meaning.

You have to do something to connect the idea of laughing at life and not taking it too seriously and the idea of working to earn money you can generously give away.

Connect the concepts. What has generosity got to do with not taking life seriously?

:-)

Writing Feedback / proficiency exercise: the advantages and disadvantages of web-based learning [5]

...viewed as an appropriate circumstance let's choose a different word here. A circumstance is something that affects the innovations you make. Online learning is an appropriate innovation , yet the downsides of this issue should not be left out.

In the first place, let us mention some of the advantages of web-based learning,which might be very convenient for students. Participating in online learning, people have no limit to the times they may access information; anytime, whether at home or outside, students can participate in class.

It has several gains advantages and also disadvantages. costs

:-)

Undergraduate / "I offered him a seat" - Stanford Intellectual Vitalilty Essay [6]

I don't think ample is a good word in that intro. It does not fit, because it means "plenty." Maybe you were including a hint of sarcasm, which is cool, but the reader might think you are just confused and trying to use a lot of fancy words.

He delightfully delightedly accepted, and quickly ...

here is a typo: and it w one of the ...

One word: classroom

Great topic!! Remember Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum." All we know is that we are having an conscious experience right now. We do not know if material reality makes consciousness possible or if consciousness existed first and is just having a dream about a world of form.

Undergraduate / "to be independent of my parents" - U.C. Berkeley Essay [3]


What does this mean? I think you should add a sentence to explain what you mean by gaps and barriers. Also, add a sentence at the end of that first paragraph, because the end of the first paragraph is your opportunity to express a MESSAGE that the reader will remember and associate with you.

What are you so angry for?
or
Why are you so angry?
but not
Why are you so angry for?

and asked "W hy are you so angry for ."

Capitalize:
He said "Li fe is unfair but it doesn't really matter because we have others to pick us up".

When you use dialogue, include a comma, and capitalize the first word of the dialogue:
I was so angry that I shouted, "Ho w could he not show me any sympathy? " He responded saying, "I am truly sorry for your loss but I am not one of those people who will say it will be okay because I know it won't ...

I reveal this portion in my life not to find my sympathy or pity but to show who I truly am. ---perfect.You succeeded in creating a meaningful essay that will benefit a lot of people.

Put these 2 words together: I still cannot explain why these circumstances...

Brilliant... I think everyone who gets to know you will benefit because of the wisdom you have... or you, I recommend Man's Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl.

:-)

Scholarship / Engineering Geology major of the Master of Earth Sciences "Excellence Scholarship" [2]

That first sentence is impressive in its boldness, but it is to vague. "Excellence" might not be a descriptive/specific enough word to make this meaningful.

defending against the best player on the other team.

Last year, it was also a challenge I imposed on myself to be part of Quebec's ...wait a minute... I don't think being on the team is the same as setting a challenge up for yourself. When you impose a challenge on yourself, it is because you are being proactive about achieving some high standard or goal. If you were on a team, and you claim that this was due to your need for a challenge, it seems contrived, because you were on the team anyway and now you are just writing about it this way for the sake of making an impressive essay.

I think you should revise to omit the theme about "excellence"and "challenge." Let the reader determine on her own that you enjoy challenge.

I think you should focus this essay on the aspirations and plans you have for Engineering and Geology.

If you don't want it to sound boastful and vague, it might be good to revise so that the focus is on your intentions ... mention your achievements as evidence to show how motivated you are to contribute meaningfully to your chosen field. It is hard to write an essay like this without seeming boastful, but the trick is to emphasize the fact that your enthusiasm drives you and compels you to exceed standards.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I love to draw" - extracurricular activity, why I chose it & why I continued with it [4]

Hey, I have a different idea... I don't think the mention of siblings is relevant to the essay.
You should consider doing this:
Unlike any of my siblings, I love to draw. I believe I am a very good artist and I have several accolades to show that I am. Since the age of five, I have ...so I joined my high school's International Art Club. (All this is very good, but at the end of the first paragraph you should add a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the MAIN IDEA of the whole essay.

You wrote this essay very well, but the theme is simple. It could be shared in a single paragraph or sentence: "My critical patron made me feel frustrated, and this frustration motivated me in a way that caused me to persevere and gain a new insight about overcoming limitations."---That sums up the whole essay. Therefore, I think you should ADD a new concept to the essay. Dig deeper, and pull out another insight to share with the reader. It will be great if you go a step further and share an additional insight about struggle and perseverance as an artist.

:-)

Poetry / "Obediance" or "Brush Your Teeth" for my final poem? [4]

You have to follow your inspiration to improve one. I like the first poem more, because it expresses a lot about the person... many moments, instead of just that one morning-after Dominoes moment.

When you try to improve a poem, you have to have to have an idea of what criteria to use to improve it. It is good to add imagery words and action verbs, but only if they fit with the rhythm of the poem. It's good to use clever figures of speech, but only if they don't feel contrived.

Really, the only person who can judge whether your poem has improved is you, obviously.

I think the 2nd one has the most "room for improvement" because it is simpler, but the first one may have more potential.

:-)

Essays / What would you include in a professional portfolio to get a job - advice needed [3]

That wide span of possible page range makes me think they are not very concerned with having you follow a particular process. So... that is good! If I had to do something like this I would go to Elance.com and look at the portfolio's people have made about this kind of work you are going to be doing.

REMEMBER you don't have to actually have the documents/photographs, etc that you would include. When someone asks what you would include you can answer with a description rather than with the actual item that would be included.

So... this is an English paper about how to make and use a portfolio. And how would you use it to get a job? I think you should have it posted online with your blog page, perhaps by using Google Blogger, and also buy a domain name for 10 bucks from Godaddy.com. That way you can have people visit LindaParks.com to see your portfolio.

To find out what to include, look online at portfolios other people have created to do the kind of work you want to do.

Good luck!!!! :-)

Undergraduate / "I attribute most of my success to my family" - common app - significant experience [3]

Add an apostrophe:
As my parents'

I think this sentence is better without "my"
I used my words.

We ended up losing our home and moving. (end the paragraph here)
Start a new paragraph:
These words, as I feel no words can, do not capture what a tumultuous time this was and the huge amount of unhappiness that filled us all. As a result, I attribute most ...

... can get through even the most harsh harshest of situations and live...

Great job! I think you probably did the right thing! Can you tell a little more about how this experience affects your plans for the future?

:-)

Essays / Early Childcare / Childhood Education Essays - which points to mention? [5]

Yes, it's too broad of a subject to tackle... you should narrow it down a little.

Maybe you should focus on how to teach children the way to behave in the classroom or how to teach language arts. Choose one area of focus.

Early Childhood Ed is significant because it makes a big difference in student outcome later on.

If you search your school library's database, you will find a lot of articles about this topic. :-)

Dissertations / The Impact of Technology on Graphic Design (working on my 5000-word dissertation) [3]


Note: affect is a verb, and effect is a noun, so write,"affected by..."

Your question is tough, because modern people automatically think of computers when they think of graphic design. Do new technologies improve creativity? They do in the sense that they provide more options, but they also reduce the need for creativity.

You might be better off if you try to find out the effects of a specific new technology on a specific kind of creativity, such as creativity in advertising.

Get very specific to make this kind of project meaningful.

:-)