Undergraduate / Princeton - Significant Person - my mentor Mr. Mehmet Yuksel [3]

The essay tells about a change, rather than showing a change. Also, the change itself isn't necessarily a good one. You say you had become selfish and competitive, but all you tell us to illustrate the point is that you wanted to be the best at what you did, hardly a a negative trait. Then, you say you became more selfless by not caring about the results of your actions, hardly a positive trait. I think maybe what you meant to say was that you initially wanted to be the best at everything so that you could look down on those around you, but that you eventually learned to do your best for its own sake. At any rate, if you want readers to view the change positively, you'll have to revise what you have along those sorts of lines.

As for Yuksel, his importance is limited to one sentence in the entire essay: "He had one-on-one talks with me about my problem and gave me invaluable tips on how to be indifferent of my status among people, which he claimed would make me among the loved within my peers." Given that he was a counselor, his actions hardly make him a heroic mentor -- he did exactly what he was supposed to do. And since you don't describe him, or tell us what advice he specifically gave you, or what follow up he did, it is not clear why you say that the essay will be about his influence on you. Really, you could cut him from the story completely and have a stronger essay. This is a problem is that the essay is supposed to be about him, so you will probably have to go back to the drawing board to get a good essay. Maybe you could start the essay with something wise that Yuksel said to you, and then talk about how that profound piece of advice allowed you to change your attitude? Just a thought.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (My Transition to High School) [3]

""If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" I'm not sure that the experience you describe actually refutes this statement, so you might want to omit it. Apart from that, the essay is relatively well-written stylistically. I liked the extended fish metaphor that you used throughout. The main problem you have is that, having written what is essentially a narrative essay about your transition to high school, you leave off the most important part, namely how you eventually overcame all the problems that you mention. You list the difficulties you had in adjusting, mention that change is hard, point out that you are about to undergo another great change, then add that you did eventually adjust last time. This is a bit unsatisfying. A better approach would be to list the difficulties you faced, then to give an anecdote in which you learned what you had to do to succeed, then to mention that you were in fact able to succeed, then to say that you are facing a new change, but that the lessons you have learned will guide you through it.

Undergraduate / I chose to go to Kenya for my school trip - Travelling to other countries [12]

A good effort so far. The only real problem I see with this one is that you don't adequately cover the reasons for your shift in opinion. You start out thinking that your trip to Africa will lead to your getting sick in a poor, run-down area of the world that lacks modern amenities. You then go to Africa, where you get sick in a poor, run-down area of the world that lacks modern amenities. This is a bit of a problem, because you then talk about how your experience of Africa was so much different from what you had read about it, when the experiences you describe are in fact exactly what you had been prepared for. I'd split the first paragraph into two, and add some more description to the second one dealing with how exactly the experience changed your feelings, so that your final paragraph seems to connect more logically to the ones before it.

Undergraduate / Describe an activity - an English newspaper Huijia Voice [2]

I'd say you need to add a bit more background. What made you think that an English newspaper would enrich campus life? How exactly was it meant to accomplish this goal? How would you know if the goal was being met? I'm guessing that since you specified that the newspaper was in English, then the school was located someplace where English wasn't the students' first language. If that is the case, then you need to mention that somewhere.

Undergraduate / I was presiding at piano in a 13-piano-ensemble at The Cemetery for Martyrs in April 2006. [3]

You are answering the prompt with what is essentially a very short story, which is good. However, you give away the ending in the second sentence, which is not so good. Also, most the story boils down to a list of things you did to help make the project successful. You might want to add a personal element, maybe talk about what the experience meant to you, how the experienced changed you, that sort of thing.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay 1 (the fields of business and accounting) [3]

I'd revise the essay to include a lot more specificity. At the moment, you speak in very vague, general terms. For instance, you say that "My brief yet enlightening tenure at my father's company in the summer of 2007 gave me a much deeper understanding of the ethics and the principles that operate at the heart of a business." You could expand on this by giving a description of a specific incident that taught you something new about business ethics. Also, you manage to talk about your father's company without ever specifying what the company does, something you should know if you worked there. Likewise, you say "My aim is to run a company which develops innovative creations appropriately suited to people's lifestyles." That's really vague. What sort of creations (apart from innovative ones) would you like your company to produce?

Undergraduate / UW Personal Statement, your college career to date [5]

That would probably be the best approach, actually. It would allow you to write a more focused essay, and is more in line with what the prompt asks for.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay#1 (Information Technology) [3]

Your points here seem a bit disconnected. For example, the second paragraph talks about programming, while in your third paragraph you talk about hardware and being "a little engineer." Perhaps you could take your concluding sentence "I can create my own company in the future" and turn it into a introductory statement "My main professional goal is to one day own my own computer company, and I have deliberately chosen personal and academic interests that complement that goal." Or something like that, that gives you a way to unify all of your points.

Graduate / Essay on Reason of choosing career - Law school [4]

Edit for conciseness. I'd say you could probably reduce the word count by a third and still make all of the same points you currently do. As an example, consider the following sentence: "It was my parents who recommended that I study law as according to them I have the natural talent of speaking and influencing people which is dated way back to my childhood." This could be rewritten as "My parents recommended that I study law, as I have always been persuasive and good at public speaking." The revised version says exactly the same thing as the original, only in 18 words instead of 32. I'd do something similar for the entire thing.

Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences- Cornell Essay (need advice on shortening) [4]

Well, the first paragraph could probably be cut in its entirety. The rest of the essay has a clear focus -- your passion for economics. The first paragraph has absolutely nothing to do with economics. Therefore, I would advise you to cut the first paragraph even if you weren't looking to shorten the essay. Since you are, this is an obvious place to start. I assume you included the paragraph to meet the "evolution of your interests" part of the prompt, but I think you'll be okay without it. If you absolutely want to keep the idea that you were once primarily interested in geography, try to reduce the paragraph to a sentence or two and combine it with the second paragraph.

Undergraduate / Common App essay---achievement on multiculture club [3]

This is definitely a good topic for your essay. I found reading it very interesting. The grammar could use some polishing in places, though. For instance:

"On the contrary," change to "on the other hand,"

"they were all fighting for life." Um, probably not, actually. Replace with something less hyperbolic.

"People of totally different backgrounds never stop influencing one another.

Undergraduate / CALS (committed to the improvement of life) - review and advice [7]

Maybe you should mention you grew up in Africa in your introduction. Also, the idea that "the common African" venerates and honors diabetes and other fatal conditions seems odd, and needs further explanation. As for the grammar, there a few things you can change:

"to bring them home to ornament the lives of all species "

"the humble African dies from want "

"designing corrective measures for defective ones to normalize life.

Undergraduate / an intellectually stimulating environment - Chicago Essays [4]

Essay 1:

"academic potentially" should be "academic potential"

"challenging and uncertain environment of the 21st Century."

Essay 2:

"gave me insight into the contrast between zoomed in (micro) and zoomed out (macro) perspectives. Revise to "gave me insight into the difference a change in perspective can make."

"deer playfully ran after each other."

"If we put in the effort to analyse the world more closely, we can make fascinating discoveries."

Overall, good essays that hold the readers interest.

Undergraduate / Illinois Urbana Champaign Essay ("Blessed are the Peace makers") [3]

This one's shaping up quite nicely. Some of the grammar is a bit rough in places, though. For instance:

"At first, Dar-ul-Sakoon began as another sociable excuse to meet friends, but It's only when I stood in that shaded courtyard amongst the shunned, their baleful eyes staring back at me. That I felt all their pain, their suffering, and in that moment I understood, clearer than ever before, why I stood there." These two sentences should be combined.

"before, and watch hope spring from their dark pools."

"to serve such humanity who have hearts and feelings much similar to ours" could be revised to "to serve people who, despite their disabilities, have the same feelings we do" or some such.

Also, you might want to throw in an anecdote, a specific example of something you did to help the people you felt such compassion for.

Undergraduate / 'No peaceful moments in my house' - Common app - my experience, risk, or achievement [4]

You might want to put your opening sentences in the past tense. Also, I notice that you say you cannot pinpoint when you first started liking taekwondo and music, then you go on to tell us when you first started liking them, which seems sort of contradictory. Overall, I'd say the essay is a fairly standard, average application essay that needs editing for grammar. If you want an essay that will stand out, you will need to write using much more specific examples. For instance, at the moment, the best part of the essay is when you mention the Funeral March, and how you reacted to it. If the rest of your essay, or most of it, was that specific throughout, this would be a much stronger piece.

Writing Feedback / Duality of good and evil essay [5]

You might find it helpful to read other works that present philosophies of good and evil The Virtue of Selfishness, by Ayn Rand, has the dual benefit of being really short and very easy to follow. Mill is fairly straightforward as well. Kant is really interesting, but can very difficult to wade through, though he's definitely worth the effort. If you get an idea of how other people have approached the topic, you might find it easier to formulate your own ideas. As it stands, your logic is unclear at points.

Undergraduate / "I have less than superb stats" - my common app essay, need advice! [5]

The military metaphors in the second paragraph seem out of place in this essay. For that matter, the first two paragraphs seem sort of off-topic and unnecessary. Perhaps you could just introduce us to your grandmother in the first sentence or two, then launch in to her reaction to your SAT scores. For that matter, perhaps you could simply focus on how she inspired you to live your life as meaningfully as possible (which is good) rather than focusing on your "less than superb stats," which you probably don't want to draw any more attention to than is strictly necessary.

Undergraduate / Recalling three years that have passed. Personal essay on volunteer experience! [8]

Two thing strike me about this essay. First, you seem to be using a lot of high level vocabulary for the sake of using a lot of high level vocabulary, almost as if you wrote this while consulting a thesaurus every few sentences. Specifically, "amiable," "extolment," "assent," "languished," "alacrity," "zealous," "euphoria," and "hapless," all stand out in this regard. The second thing, perhaps related to the first, is that you describe the event as if it were very exciting, but the actual details you present really aren't. There are ways to make ordinary events interesting through writing, but simply describing ordinary things as exciting isn't one of them. Try revising the draft to include more hot writing -- i.e. describe the events in detail, rather than merely describing the events very briefly but with a lot of adjectives meant to instill a sense of excitement.

Writing Feedback / "George Richman" - need revision help on writing a narrative [3]

It would be difficult to meet the criteria you outlined without writing a story. If you're just writing a plot outline, you should probably go through and make everything much more concise. If you are actually writing a narrative, i.e. a story, I think you need to do less telling of events and more showing. For instance, you could actually consider using dialogue to show the interaction between the characters. Either way, you drift back and forth between the present and past tenses. If you are writing a summary of your story (which is what it reads like) then stick with the present tense. If you are writing a narrative (which is what the instructions seem to be asking for) then stick with the past tense.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement (trait+New York City) [4]

Great short answers. A few really minor spelling and grammatical points:

because it causes me to lose focus on the greater picture

participate in a forum in which they can discuss their thoughts

helping police officers and soldiers who have been through traumatic situations

Undergraduate / Williams College Supplement about Looking through a window - ideas needed [5]

The obvious first step would be to pick an environment that is significant to you. This could be your front or back yard, some part of the school grounds, or, if you go with a car window, a favorite summer vacation spot. You could even imagine that you are looking out of an airplane window, for that matter. Brainstorm a list of possible candidates. The first one or two that come to mind probably come to mind for a reason. Ask yourself what that reason is. From there, you should be able to come up with at least an outline, or even a first draft, that you could post for more feedback.

Undergraduate / Getting brain dead on the Champaign essays [3]

The first of these essays is the strongest. Really it just needs some clean up of the grammar. Some things you might want to change include the folowing"

"Art has always been a part of me and hasn't left ever since." The second part of this sentence sounds awkward. Revise or omit.

"fondness toward" should be "fondness for"

"made me sensitive and attached to the arts around my surroundings" should be "made me sensitive to the art in my surroundings."

"It is my goal to study" can be shortened to "I wish to study"

"and bridge the between art and the society.: should be "and bridge the gap between art and the society. "

The second essay seems to present a fairly minor extracurricular activity. If you have something a bit more weighty to discuss, you might want to consider using that instead. If you stick with this one, though, change the last line to "which puts me a step ahead of the others in learning graphic design."

The third essay sounds like an alternative for the first one, but the first one is much better written, so I'd stick with that.

Undergraduate / Upenn Essays - the courses of study that most interest me [6]

Your short essay is good. One question though -- in the sentence "I hope to be able to apply them . . ." What does the word "them" refer to, exactly?

The long essay is well-written, grammatically speaking. Stylistically, its a bit dull. This mostly seems due to wordiness. Some examples: "These qualities are ones that I aspire to acquire." could be rewritten as "I aspire to acquire these qualities." Likewise, "Having been in several leadership positions in my high school days, I believe that my experience would add value and diversity to student leadership in Penn" could be altered to "My high school leadership experiences have prepared me to take a strong leadership role at Penn." You might want to go through the entire draft and revise with a view to making everything much more concise.

Undergraduate / Penn supplement -- (Wharton should be a good fit for me) [7]

I'd say you're on the right track. Here are some revisions you might want to consider:

"some of which appeals" should be "some of which appeal"

Anyone who starts off by saying "To be honest," is probably about to lie to you. I'd cut the phrase, if I were you.

"prompted me into writing this application." should be "prompted me to write this application."

"Being part of the Raffles Integrated Programme, research . . ." I think you mean to say here that you were a part of the program. If so, the first word after the comma should be "I."

"just like how a diamond comes out smooth . . . should be "just as just like how a diamond comes out smooth . . ."

"Wharton prides itself on its history of innovation, I too believe in the importance of creativity and thinking out of the box." This is a run-on sentence.

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]

I'd replace "community serving" with "community service," and revise "The event was held successfully" to "The event was successful." Apart from that, the essay seems solid.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay - "the best clarinetist" [3]

The grammar is a bit rough in this one. Here are some revisions you can make:

Replace "my smooth surface got roughed up" with "I was soon disillusioned"

"As a result, I was forced to play bass clarinet, an instrument that everyone else was reluctant to play"

Replace "renting store" with "rental store"

Replace "I practiced densely" with "I practiced intensively"

Revise "time for to turn" to "time to turn"

Book Reports / Literature: "The luncheon" and "The escape" by W.S. Maugham [3]

I've never read the stories in question, so I can't help much at the moment. If you throw together some of your own ideas and post them here, though, I'll see what advice I can give you on structuring them.

Undergraduate / [BYU] What to write in a brief biography? [6]

Just describe your personal history. Where were you born, where did you go to school, did you move around a lot, that sort of thing.

Undergraduate / My life growing up in Africa admission interest essay [5]

Overall this is a very compelling essay that reads as if it comes from the heart. There are a couple of minor things you might want to change, though:

Commas are useful things, but you tend to throw them into sentences that don't really need them. For instance ". . . my parents took me from the comfort of suburban Australia, and dropped me right in the middle of the . . ." and "It is a transition period that gives all life living within her, the chance to regenerate and then come back stronger and wiser than ever."

"When they look at Mount Kilimanjaro, they see a struggle . . ." I'd replace the first "they" with "most others."

Undergraduate / "debating in university life" - elaborate on one of your activities [4]

The following is a grammatically-revised version of the draft you posted.

Nowadays, in order to be competitive and fulfill your desires, you have to be able to easily communicate with all kinds of people around you. I started debating when I was in secondary school. I liked to discuss different topics with my classmates and elaborate on my own points of view. When I started my high school, I became seriously involved in debating; I started to participate in the school debate team and we won competitions against other schools in our town.This experience broadened my knowledge, and helped me to become even more confident. I plan to become a debater in the college debate club. Even though I am a beginner, I love and enjoy it. From my perspective debating is the art of organizing and delivering thoughts quickly and effectively in order to change people's perception. It not only broadens one's knowledge but also develops problem solving skills, analytical thinking skills, and the ability to work in a team and interact with other students. The ability to deliver ideas concisely is important in economics, which is what I plan on majoring in. I planning to continue debating throughout my university career.

While the above is smoother grammatically, you could still revise for style and content to make this essay stronger. For instance, if you could give specific examples of how debating has broadened your knowledge and developed your problem solving skills, that would make the essay more interesting.

Undergraduate / visiting the MINDs school - Common app short question [5]

Here is a slightly revised version that eliminates some minor grammatical errors:

I am pleased that I had the opportunity to visit the MINDs school (a school for mentally disabled students) because doing so taught me how to show sympathy and compassion for children with learning disabilities. Last year,I planned a day with full of activities for the mentally disabled students. However,the students there learned very slowly and were unable to talk.Therefore, I had to use a lot of body language and extreme facial expressions to communicate with them.Though trying to convey my messages to them was very frustrating and tiring, I was extremely happy to see them smile and have fun.At that moment I realized that I should not give up easily on anything. These children have taught me that I can be success at anything as long as I give it my best.

Undergraduate / UGA Essay: Interesting Story. [2]

The story itself is well-written. The only thing is that it is a bit crowded, and seems to say as much, if not more, about Elizabeth and Dani as about yourself. I don't know if that is a weakness or not, but it is something you might want to consider before submitting it.

Undergraduate / 'Cape Cod Sea Camps' - Summer Camp Essay [7]

I like it. It sounds like it has already been polished quite a bit.

Undergraduate / Upenn- name a Penn Professor with whom you would like to study.... [2]

This seems a bit too general. I'd find out more about what Dr. Allen has done in terms of his research and talk about how you would like to expand on his theories. Also, you might explain why you are impressed by his work, beyond the fact that a lot of other people have found it outstanding.

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements- all 5, help with strenghts/weaknesses [9]

The answer to the first prompt is quite strong.

The answer to the second prompt lacks focus. Perhaps you could stick with the idea of worrying about college. How did you resolve this worry? What made you decide to apply to NYU? etc.

The answer to the third prompt is quite strong.

The answer to your fourth prompt is well-written. I'm not entirely sure you should go with "insistence," though. You presumably want the people reviewing your application to view you as self-motivated, rather than as someone who does things at your mother's insistence.

The answer to your fifth prompt is humorous, which is refreshing given that most of these essays tend to be as boring as staring at a blank wall.

Overall, then, you have a solid set of responses. Good job.

Undergraduate / I really need help starting my UT Austin essay [9]

Start with your thesis. That is, start by deciding what you want the main point of each essay to be. Then think of various examples and reasons you could give that would support that thesis. If you could do that, and come up with even a rough outline for each essay, you could post those outlines here. That would make it much easier to give you advice.

Undergraduate / Additional Info - explaining extenuating circumstances [4]

Overall the essay is clear. If you need to shorten it, you may want to cut this part: "for various reasons; my elder sister would be a freshman at an American university in the fall thus financial issues were involved and a close relative had also recently passed away." Really, why your family moved is completely unimportant as far as the purpose of the letter is concerned. They moved, and you had to adjust. That's all that really matters. Also, you probably can leave off the last sentence -- I don't see why they would need to contact you about this, as you have clearly provided all the information they need to consider when evaluating your application.

Undergraduate / Columbia short answers; most appealing thing/ why the study of engineering [4]

The following is a version revised for grammar. You may still want to work on making your ideas flow more smoothly:

Apart from its stellar reputation, its incredible location, and its variable activities, Columbia University also stands out because of the opportunities it gives its students to focus on an intensive core curriculum. To achieve my goals, I want to attend a university which provides numerous opportunities for engineering students, and that offers great labs, dedicated professors, and interactive environments. Columbia University has already proved itself in engineering and it provides all the qualities I need to become one of the best in my field.

Essays / "[The] workplace is the crucial detriment of lawyers' behaviour." [4]

Um . . do you perhaps mean that the prompt asks you if the workplace is the main determinant of lawyer behavior? Because detriment doesn't really seem to work all that well there, especially since I can't really see how a code of conduct can be detrimental to a lawyer's behavior. Or is it actually the case that the prompt assumes lawyer's behavior is so universally bad that it requires an explanation rooted in the structure of the profession?

In any event, the most obvious structure for your essay would involve ordering the factors affecting lawyer behavior by importance. A more complex, but probably more satisfying, alternative would be to explore whether there are any causal links between the factors you mention. So, for instance, does individual morality influence which type of law firms a lawyer becomes involved with? Does the type of law firm in turn influence how strongly a lawyer is affected by globalization? And so on.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay- Free Response [5]

I really like the general gist of this one -- too few people these days can argue both sides of an issue, much less attempt to synthesis points from each. To improve stylistically, I'd eliminate repetition and other verbiage to make your writing more concise. For instance:

"I love to debate myself. Yes, it sounds strange but it is something that I love to do." could easily be rewritten "Though it sounds strange, I love to debate my self." Note that the latter is eight words shorter than the former.

Likewise,

"I like to take a topic, usually one that is talked about in the media, and juxtapose both sides of the issue in my mind." could easily become "I enjoy taking controversial topics, especially those covered in the media, and juxtaposing the arguments from both sides," a savings of seven words.

Anyway, you get the idea. Go through the entire draft and revise with a view to expressing yourself as succinctly as possible, and you will end up with a much stronger essay.