Undergraduate / The best teacher I have ever had and my friend. I would like to express gratitude to her. [3]

- Luke never start an English sentence with "Because". That shows a lack of understanding of the grammatical rules of the English tongue. It will definitely drag your points down in a TOEFL or IELTS test. The same goes if this were used for the purpose of college application as well. You need to revise the sentence.

-You need to explain to us the position of this teacher in your academic life. Was she your class adviser? Teacher in charge? Homeroom teacher? Does she have a name? It will help the reader to connect with your story if we have a name to place with the character. After all, nobody is nameless in life :-)

- Rather than telling us what we already know about teachers and their qualities and the demands of their job, you should be using thhis space to explain to us what this teacher became a good friend to you. The story of the development of a friendship, specially between a teacher and student is always notable in any application essay.

- Be more specific about why you would want to thank this teacher. Rather than giving us a long winded discussion that does not really tell us anything more about this teacher or your relationship, we need to hear the specific reasons why you want to thank her. Think of this essay as an open letter to that teacher of yours and write down your feelings and the reasons you want to thank her. That will make this essay stronger and develop the answer more in line with the prompt as well.

Writing Feedback / When staff is satisfied with their job they are more likely to do their duty very well. [4]

vorojak, revise it I will :-)


- There is a debate about what people value more when considering a job opportunity. Some look at the high salary, good management, or even a peaceful work environment. While for others, it is simply job satisfaction that they are looking for. In my opinion...

- You need to state your opinion in order to make this essay effective.


Reading the rest of the essay, I have come to realize that there is a better way to write this paper. Write it from the point of view of a job applicant. Why would he consider job satisfaction over everything else? How does he judge job satisfaction? The reasoning that you gave is quite confusing and does not really make a solid point. I am trying to help you develop the points that your essay should be discussing.

Your conclusion is weak because it continues to present new ideas and hypothesis rather than a summary of facts and a conclusion. Kindly revise it to reflect the correct requirements of the conclusion in a prompt.

Writing Feedback / No comfort and experience in life being alone is not good for teens, better keep with parents -TOEFL [5]

Tanya, the title that you posted is not making much sense. You need to post the original essay topic in this thread so that we can get an idea of what it is that you are supposed to have discussed or should be discussing in the essay. It is difficult to judge the work that you did without it. In the meantime, I will try to piece together a review of your paper in a quick manner. I will reserve my major comments for until after you have posted the prompt.

Your discussion is based upon current and commonly known reasons as to why young people should stay with their parents. Would it be possible for you to develop some new and unique reasons to support your stance that living with parents is better than living alone? Something along the lines of our world not really preparing us to live alone because our parents have constantly doted on our every need will do the job.

Your grammar errors as quite numerous and should be corrected. The biggest error being that you somehow forgot that you can never start an English sentence with "Because". However, I am refraining from correcting your errors at the moment because I am suggesting revisions for your paper. In order to save you some energy, I will not have you revise the paper at this point. Once we get the content straightened out, after your tell us the original prompt, better advise is sure to come your way :-)

Undergraduate / Religion and anthropology have recently become interests for me - Personal Statement [6]

iHaile, this is a very good attempt at writing a personal statement. However, the prompt asks you to write a generic personal statement and not a university centered one. So you should revise the beginning of the essay to reflect that. Also, you are moving too fast in the essay. You should only speak of your current areas of interest. The university is not currently interested in your future plans.


- This paragraph is misplaced in the essay. It does not fit in as a continuation topic in any paragraph. It is actually not connected at all to any of the previous paragraphs you wrote so it would be best to delete or replace this particular line.

Writing Feedback / Supervisor must have a deep knowledge about human, in case something will suddenly emerge [2]

Vna, I am wondering if you have ever had the opportunity to work for someone even on a part time basis? I ask because one of the best ways to discuss this type of prompt is through a compare and contrast method based upon actual work experience. Right now, you have very good theories about what will make an effective supervisor. Using actual experience, that adds a touch of mastery on the topic as you discuss it and will result in higher grades or consideration from the reader.


- Your introduction is very comprehensive and you have learned to say more with less words. That is a good trait in an essayist.


- Employees these days are faced with various work related problems. These are often in the form of unexpected work issues that they need to address. It is important that the supervisor is able to determine when a work related problem is a major or minor one and then decide whether to involve higher authorities in its solution. The supervisor needs to be able to read people through their actions, not so much their words which can lie about what they are going through. A distracted employee is a no good employee. So he needs to know how to effectively handle such employees in order to ensure the continued effectiveness of that particular employee.


- I would not term the supervisor as crafty. Rather, he must be observant in order to identify the problem areas of an employee. He should also be able to analyze which employee type will be most effective in a certain role and he must be able to effectively train and develop that person for the position he has been considered for. You should revise this paragraph.


- Oops. a new idea in the conclusion. You know that is not allowed. Don't call this your conclusion. Restate this from your point of view and then write a new conclusion that follows the requirements for an essay conclusion.

Essays / I'm interested in pursuing my carer as in master in accountancy [6]

- Here is a sample sentence "When I graduated with a degree in Accounting, I thought that I had reached the pinnacle of my career. I would be able to help people with their financial problems and assist businesses with their financial growth. Over time though, I discovered that what I was doing was only the tip of the duties of an accountant. There is a lot more that I can do. However, I need additional training in xxx, and xxx. The only way to achieve that training is by taking advanced studies. Studies which I hope will me become a xxx in the near rather than distant future.- Your first paragraph must completely address the prompt. What I made for you is only a simple example that you can use as a basis for your own answer.

- Being Chinese, there are certain expectations of you in various settings. It could be the prejudiced idea that you are good in math, or that you are an excellent cook. Whatever the answer, it has to be far from the common concept of a Chinese person. Share your talents with the reader. Something that nobody would have expected and explain how you plan to use it to help build the student community. A simple example would be, if you are good in math, opening yourself up as a free tutor to your dorm mates or something along those lines. If it means student politics than mention that too.

[quote=ShirleyHsu]- This covers any academic awards or merits that you were awarded as a student. If you have any extra curricular activities that you excel at, you should mention it in this portion as well. But remember to relate it to your future studies and/or how it can help you become a better student and/or how the university can benefit from having you in the system based upon your accomplishments.

Scholarship / Paucity Turned to Strength - Quest Bridge, Application Essay. [5]

Jesus, while the prompt asks you for multiple factors, it is always best to mention only one or two of each. The reason behind that is the time that an admission officer can devote to reading an essay. If the essay is too long, they may overlook it because they have hundreds of essays to read per day. I strongly suggest that you use baseball instead because you can create a transition sentence at the end of that which will introduce the reader to the divorce section of your paper. Transition sentences are important because it helps prepare the reader to accept new information about you instead of being confused about how a certain topic came up in your essay. Believe me, when a person has to read numerous essays per day, it can get confusing. So you need to make sure that your essay will keep the reader on track and will be memorable to him.

It is important that you show the closeness or lack of it with your father through the baseball paragraph. It seems that you did not have a close relationship with him? If that is so, it directly plays into the essay as a factor and challenge that you had to overcome. Do you think you can do that? I honestly think that it will help to further improve the essay. If you can post the new version here after you have completed it, we can help you edit the essay down to the required word count in a sufficient manner :-)

Writing Feedback / When staff is satisfied with their job they are more likely to do their duty very well. [4]

Vorojak, you have just committed the biggest violation in sentence / paragraph development. You did not use capital letters to spell out the first word of every new sentence. If you are practicing for the TOEFL or IELTS, I can assure you that you have already failed the test even before your essay has been read. You have lost major points that will definitely prevent you from passing the essay test.

Your paragraphs are totally under developed and does not really present any clear or coherent thought on your part. While some ideas work, such as the need for open communication, without a proper discussion coming from you, your line of reasoning just leaves the reading hanging. So you really need to revise the essay. Each of your paragraphs are just too short to be considered a real paragraph. It should be composed of at least 3 - 5 completely developed sentences. That is why your thought process is reflected as incoherent and muddled. By explaining your ideas more, your essay will benefit from the strength of your argument.

Address these major problems with the essay first and then post the new version here so that we can assist you with polishing it :-)

Undergraduate / Running has given me both physical and mental strength - College Admission Essay: Facing Adversity [6]

Bookreader, I made some revisions and suggestions to help improve your paper. I hope you find them useful :-)


- ... The sense of gratification when I perform well or beat my personal best time makes me thankful for the challenge that this sport has given me.People tend to think of runners as people who are relaxed and able to handle any stressful situation that comes his or her way. What they do not realize is that runners face adversity in the sport. This is an adversity that occurs each time we encounter even the slightest injury during a run.


- Don't insert being a love struck youth in the essay, it removes the impact of the message.
- ... when I was faced with adversity ... enthusiasticabout ...My intuition was right. I suffered a sprain at the one mile marker of the race. ...I ran through the pain, using perseverance to help me finish the course. I remember feeling frustrated, disappointment, and angry as I was carried off at the finish line, The season was over and I failed to qualify for the district runs.


- I immediately began physical therapy sessions to rebuild my strength and rehabilitate the stretched and torn ligaments that existed in my leg and ankle. Although it looked like I was facing a long road ahead of me before I could run again, even when people were telling me that it would be better if I stopped running because I was not good at it and would just get hurt again, I used my willpower to get over the adversities that existed before me. It is true, adversity build character and determination in a person. I was able to come back to the team for my sophomore year. I may not have performed at my peak but I was able to compete just the same. I was determined to get back in shape and compete. By spring that season, I was officially a part of the girls relay team.

Undergraduate / "Civilization" - love for Economics - extracurricular activity essay choice [2]

Alina, I would definitely choose to expand upon your second topic which centers around "Economics". Most specially if you are applying to a related course. It offers the kind of extra curricular participation that is to be expected of a serious incoming college freshman. The "Civilization" create-your-own program is actually something that could be considered unique by the admissions officer.

Play up the practical participation that you had in the program. Be sure to enhance the image of your participation by discussing exactly how you worked with the team in the set up. Don't forget to mention which parts of the program influenced you to continue further studies outside of the extra curricular activities. That will not only show how your extra curricular activity blossomed into something that you realized you want to do that kind of work in life.

I hope that you can post your updated essay version here so that we can help you fix it up :-) Don't forget to post the essay prompt with it as our guide :-)

Undergraduate / Tea with Pancakes - Story that changed my life [13]

Alina, this is a tremendously long story. You will need to edit it to a more readable length by deleting, combining, and editing certain parts. We can help you do that after you have told us what the actual essay prompt is so that we will know how to slant or direct the feel of the paper. The story you are trying to tell is something that is unique and important. But that is lost because all the reader sees is an extremely long story that he or she may not want to even start reading. Remember, an admissions officer first glances at your essay and checks the length. Anything too long gets set aside for another day of reading. Which is bad news for your application. You need to get the admissions officer to connect with your story from the very beginning. That is not happening in this version. We can help you make that connection once you provide us with the prompt.

There are also a few grammatical errors and sentence structure issues that we need to address in the paper. Don't worry, it did not reduce the effect of the story you are trying to tell. Although, it is important that you come across as a person who can express yourself properly in English. Your paper is excellent. It just needs a few adjustments to become perfect, and that is what we will help you try to achieve :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: In twenty years cars will be gradually exchanged into other transportation systems [2]

Jen, the sentiments that you tried to convey within your essay are very good. You only have a problem expressing yourself in the grammatically correct English form. So let me help you with that :-) I'll revise your essay and mark my version of your paragraph in blue. This will serve as your sample statement to refer to while improving your version.

- Our way of life is constantly changing due to various factors. Normally, these changes are for the better and result in a more relaxed and efficient way of life. While cars serve as the most relaxed mode of transportation for us at the moment, that just might change in the future. I believe that road infrastructure projects and technologically improved mass transit systems seem to be pointing to a time twenty years from now when cars will no longer be as popular as a mode of transport as they are today.

- Rapid technological advancement have given us super trains and hanging railways, all of which are designed to speed up mass transit travel to almost the speed of light. Metro buses are becoming more and more environmentally friendly and are now able to carry more passengers than before. Riding the bus will, in the future, be almost as comfortable as riding a car. Since mass transit will then be a faster mode of transport than cars, I expect that people will flock to public transit for the speed and relaxed travel that it offers.

- Our reliance on fossil fuels has jacked up the price of fuel to sky high prices, in 20 years, the cost may have become atmospheric already. We are also on track to run out of fossil fuels due to its being a natural and hard to renew resource. As such, the automotive and scientific world are constantly trying to develop newer and better ways for people to get around. With their concentration on mass transit, worries about rising gas prices and lack of fuel will soon be a thing of the past.

- Looking towards the future, it is suffice to say that the easing of car use in 20 years is well on its way with the new infrastructure and modernized mass transit systems being developed. So I firmly believe that fewer cars will be used in the future.

Graduate / My long term goal is to become knowledgeable expert in Power engineering - research graduate essay [3]

Khalid, you need to provide us with the long term goal prompt for the essay that was given to you. Otherwise, we will not know the specific requirements that you are expected to answer. Right now, your essay is over informative and has fallen into the trap of TMI - Too Much Information. We will need to help you weed out the unnecessary portions of the essay based upon the expectations of the admissions officer who will be reading the essay based upon the prompt given. It does not help your essay that you have so many blank portions either. We need to know what we are referring to when we read the paragraph so that our advice can be geared towards the proper outcome and expectations.

What i can advice you is this, bring up your long term goals statement to the very beginning of the essay. That way you immediately answer the prompt and provide an overview of the content of the essay and create the image that you are fully committed to your goal, regardless of your academic and work background. You paper can be aligned and cleaned up more once we get an idea of what the prompt requires.

Writing Feedback / Advertisement makes us know what is the recent product available in the market; impact on our choice [4]


- Bassam, as an introductory statement, your first paragraph lacks the criteria that would make it adhere to the IBC rules of writing. The introductory paragraph is expected to contain an introduction to the discussion by the restatement of the prompt, overview of the discussion, and finally, the thesis statement in the form or your point of view or opinion. You need to have those criteria reflect in your introduction.


- Okay, this should have been a part of the introductory paragraph as your thesis statement but without the television shopping example. That can be introduced later in the paper. That said, The essay asks you to consider if advertisements tell us about new products that might improve our lives. Buying a television is not an essential part of life so I would choose a better example than that.


- You should use the television as an example of unnecessary purchases instead of discounted powdered milk. Milk is an essential need being a food product that people do not mind buying at a discount because they use it before it expires.Milk is not bought by only people with children. Most people drink milk even as adults. You seem to have your priorities confused :-)


- Your conclusion is weak and confusing. It is only supposed to tell us a summary of the answers to the questions being asked and it should repeat your point of view. Your conclusion does not offer anything solid that can be considered a closing statement.

Scholarship / Paucity Turned to Strength - Quest Bridge, Application Essay. [5]

Jesus, please share the essay prompt with us so that we can properly review your essay for content and adherence to the topic. Right now, I am have a hard time connecting your introductory statement , the second paragraph, and the rest of the essay because the connections are not existing to help me piece them together. First you are talking about the discrimination in South Florida where everyone is assumed to be a high school , burger flipping graduate, then you suddenly shift to your love for baseball and the time you spend bonding with your father over the sport, and then suddenly you talk about the divorce of your parents and how it affected you. Without the prompt, there is no way for us to tell if the paper is good enough written this way or if you have to change the content in order to align it with the prompt expectations. Even an overview of the essay is impossible because of the disconnected paragraphs. Paucity to strength.

Paucity means something is lacking. You were lacking strength? In relation to what? The clarity that we are looking for will be found in the essay prompt once you upload it. Once we see the connection or disconnection, we can better advise you on the strengths and weaknesses of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / DIVERSITY - GEORGE MASON PROMPT (THE MASON IDEA) [6]

Rima, you can use the same essay as a basis for the prompts of the other universities. It is important to always tailor your essays towards the specific requirements of the university. Do not be fooled, admissions officers know a generic prompt when they see one and they will ding you for it. So the best thing that you can do in this case is to analyze which parts of your generic essay you can use to beef up your original essay for the university. You will save yourself time by doing that and you will also be able to better prepare the essays since the topics have already been pre-chosen by you.

Even though the essay prompts seem similar to one another, there are significant differences in the content based upon what you know of the school and its expectations of their future students. So preparing a generic prompt is a shortcut to getting kicked out of consideration for admission. I know that it is hard to keep coming up with original essays but when you have the right guidance and assistance, such as this fantastic support group here, you will find that the task of refreshing your essays will be much easier than you thought :-) Remember I suggest that you use the generic essay as a baseline for developing fresh sounding essays for each university :-)

Undergraduate / Running has given me both physical and mental strength - College Admission Essay: Facing Adversity [6]

I understand why you chose to talk about the running and your sprain in the essay because of the provided prompt. That totally changes my point of view about your essay. The main theme of the essay is how you overcame your sprain in order to get back to running. So we should concentrate on that. Build up your essay by explaining the kind of practice that is involved in preparing for your competitions. Then explain how on the day of that particular competition, something just felt "off" which led to your injury. Describe the type of sprain that you experienced. What degree was it? Any fractures? How long were you off the field? What kind of therapy did you need to participate in so that you could properly heal and go back to running?

Towards the end, describe what it was like for you to go back to running after being away for so long. Explain the frustration that you felt at not being able to perform at your peak because you were nursing your sprained ankle. Then conclude by letting us know how you managed to overcome the mental block that existed for you at the time. The sense that you did not want to be injured again so at first, you were not giving yourself 100 % to running. Then close by telling us what happened to make you finally give your all the the sport that you love once again.

Undergraduate / Running has given me both physical and mental strength - College Admission Essay: Facing Adversity [6]

Bookreader, although your story about running and the way it helped you develop your character is interesting, it does not address the requirements of the essay application. There was no real adversity faced by you that you had to overcome in order to succeed. Running is all about mental strategy and physical stamina. Those two things and how you overcame them are not truly adversities. They are mere obstacles that you had to overcome in your quest to become a track winner. Adversity is something that blocks you from achieving your goals. It is something that is overcome either through perseverance, hard work or cunning and planning. That criteria does not exist in your essay.

I advise you not to waste your chance to show off your ability to overcome difficulty in your essay by using such a simple story. You did not truly have to overcome anything with regards to running from the way you told the story. A story that covers beating adversity would be the story of Oscar Pistorious as a runner. Your story is nowhere near that. So opt to tell a story that actually tells of a situation that you had to overcome. Racial prejudice, bullying, learning disabilities, and the like are examples of effective adversity essay topics that you can use.

Writing Feedback / Altruism and sacrifice - people donate money for a reason [2]

Vns, what is the prompt for the essay? I realize that it is a commentary on a previously assigned reading material but we still need to know what the essay parameters are so that we can properly assist you. It would help if you could cut and paste the article here as well so that we can check your understanding of the material with the original source. Those two should always be aligned.

In terms of content, you need to first define what altruism is as per its textbook definition and the definition of the author. This will lead the reader to a clearer understanding and analysis of the story that you are telling. It will also give weight to your claim that the author contradicts himself with regards to definition of altruism. Then you must define the reasons why the actions of the meerkat are a sacrifice instead.

Undergraduate / What is the good life? Describe your notion. [7]


Jonroman, you wrote a very good essay. The problem is that your paragraphs are disconnected. I do not see the connection between the death of your brother and your earlier self idea that money is happiness. What did strike me though, was your definition of "the good life" as being happiness through acceptance. I firmly believe that you should concentrate on developing the aforementioned part of your essay while eliminating your first two paragraphs.

I would also advise you not to discuss your admittance into the school at this point because that is not required. What the admission officer wants to read about here is your understanding and personal definition of the good life. If it means happiness by accepting things you cannot control, then find a way to connect it to the death of your brotherr. Did your mother eventually find happiness in his death? Did you? Or was acceptance the only way to become happy? . Once you find the connection, the prompt will have been successfully answered.

Undergraduate / I was practically born on an airplane and feel perfectly comfortable travelling on it's board [4]

You can certainly continue to develop the airplane basis of your story. If I may, I would like to offer you some advise about it. It would be in the best interest of your essay to build up the reasons for your contentment on the plane. Tell us about the simple contentment you felt the first time you got on a plane. Build up your contentment from there using your other flights and what helped with your sense of contentment.

You can write a draft and post it here. We can look it over and advice you about how to improve or change it. Just relax and try to recall your trips. That ought to help you develop it.

Undergraduate / I was practically born on an airplane and feel perfectly comfortable travelling on it's board [4]

Rima, your story is very nice. But it does not fully answer the prompt. You are talking about a one time deal that allowed you to feel the most relaxed during a long haul flight. What the essay is asking you to describe is a place that you normally frequent when you need to get away from the stress of everyday life or student responsibilities. It could be something as abstract as the night sky, or a concrete place like your car or bedroom. The airplane would be a good place to use, provided you explain how you feel perfectly content each time you board the plane and fly. It can't be the one time experience of almost having the whole place to yourself. This essay is not about describing a travel experience, it is about describing a sensation that can only be felt once the utmost of contentment is achieved.

Needless to say, it would be best for you to rethink the place where you feel most content and then revise the paper accordingly. Don't feel bad. A lot of the students get this wrong the first time they write about it. It is like a trick question that you need to analyze before you respond. Try another place closer to what the admissions officer may want to read about. Just make sure it is a place you frequent so that you can build up the explanation about how you came to feel content each time you find yourself in that place.

Writing Feedback / I've always been searching for the perfect room my whole life - interior design essay [2]

meme, it is difficult to help you with your essay because you did not offer to share the essay prompt with us. Unless we know what you need to write about, we will not be sure if we are guiding you towards the right direction.So kindly upload the prompt so that we will have a guideline by which we can judge your essay.

The story itself that your provided is quite entertaining and informative. But it seems to be a bit too long. There is a way of shortening it, but again, we need to refer to the essay question that was given to you before we can even make suggestions about how to improve the paper. We need to make sure that any advice we give you will meet the requirements of the essay prompt.

Right now, we can only give you an overview review of your paper. That won't do you much good since you need help with the development aspect of the paper. That kind of help is forthcoming. As soon as we get the essay prompt, the sooner you will receive the correct advice from us :-)

Undergraduate / I have aspired to attend UW Madison for years and now I finally have the chance to apply; Statement [3]

Paige, there are just a few minor problems to deal with before your paper is finally ready for submission :-) Mostly related to the need to plug some possible holes / questions in your statement.


- Never say anything in a personal statement that gives a hint of uncertainty. You must always be sure and definite about the words you use because this is a preliminary interview. Exude confidence in yourself. Change I think to I believe :-)



- As a pharma student, how will traveling the world using the study abroad program of UW help you achieve your goals? Shouldn't you remain in the U.S. to complete your studies? Explain your reason for wanting to study abroad in relation to your major. That is important since your major does not seem like it offers a real chance to immerse yourself in travel. Is there a pharma program abroad your want to be a part of?


- How will you help develop the student community as a part of the student government? How can you bring something new to the student circle and how will that help you develop as a person and future pharmacist?


- This is a strong closing statement. It may need to be enhanced or revised though depending upon whether you decide to take my advice about enhancing the content of your paper or not :-)

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Abby, you are welcome I enjoyed helping you. In answer to your question, yes, you did answer the requirements of the prompt and then some. The essay is actually much stronger than it was before and shows a great deal of personal insight into your community work. The does seem a bit long to me though but if you are alright with the length, then it should be fine upon submission. If you think it is too long though, you will have to decide upon which parts to edit, revise, or delete.

It is always the final stage of essay preparation that takes the most time. So let's be patient with each other since we are both aiming for the same thing, producing the best essay for you that you can submit with your application package. I think the essay is ready. You have to decide if you think it is ready also. If you want to work on it some more, we are always here to lend a helping hand :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Animal testing is used in important medical researches. [2]


- State your opinion immediately. You must say it within the introduction in order to show us the type of discussion that will be taking place.


- Don't waste word count on filler words. Always speak direct to the point.
- People ... researches produce ... Those people... stopping experiments by way of alternative methods ... the suffering animals... Testing in the cosmetic... options of testing...


- You need to present strong, factual evidence to support the claims you are making here. If it will make you go over the word count then just delete this paragraph, present your opinion, then conclude the essay. The previous paragraph is strong enough to support your stance.

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]


- We are glad we can be of help to you :-) You should be proud of everything you have accomplished thus far :-) We will continue to be here for you for as long as you need us.

Having reviewed your latest essay version, I believe that it is as ready as it can be for submission. Don't take my word for it though. The final decision will be yours. If you feel the same way as I do, then you have my support and encouragement to go ahead and submit the paper :-)

Writing Feedback / A job should mean a job for life! [3]

Vns, you show a thorough understanding of the essay prompt and have managed to use very informative, logical, and analytical pieces of information that have made your essay quite interesting to read, regardless of its grammatical errors and slow start. So, let's see how we can speed things up for you while I also offer some comments to help you further improve your writing style.


- ... we might prematurely obtain so we should not stick to one job all our lives. ... That is the main reason that I oppose the belief that a job is a lifetime job.


- A job cannot be a lifetime job because life is an adventure. Therefore, we have no idea what will happen to us from one moment to the next. One minute you could be flipping burgers at McDonald's then next, you could be sitting behind a desk as a Silicone Valley executive. No single job is sure to have the same person employed in the position for the duration of his life. The adventurous spirit of man will always compel him to seek other adventures and new experiences in other avenues of his life, and that, includes his workplace.


- You can totally skip this because it is possible to merge the ideas into one paragraph like I did above.


- While some people may stay in one job all his professional life, others may choose to move from job to job. It is because of the adventurous spirit of man that I believe he will never be tied down to one job all his life.

You really did an excellent job on this essay. You just need to work on developing your sentence structure more. Use my blue highlighted paragraphs as a sample when you practice :-)

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]

Sa1na, I am not exactly sure what it is that you are trying to say with your previous post because it did not come in the form of the full essay. Where exactly is this portion supposed to be located? Kindly upload a new version of the essay with the aforementioned portion duly marked so that we can get an idea of what it is that you are trying to do or address in the essay. As of the moment, I am not sure how to treat that post.

I hope you are not getting irritated by the constant revisions. That is a part and parcel of a student's life. This is only the beginning of a life that will be filled with constant revisions and editing work at school. So be prepared :-) We will be here to assist you whenever you need us as well :-)

Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]


- Do not say "additionally amusing" amusing means you will be entertained. You are not in school to be entertained. You are there to be inspired and to learn. So you must be excited or inspired, but never amused.


- I am inspired by the seemingly endless opportunities being presented to me even in my minor field of study.


- I am quite enthusiastic about the undergraduate opportunities offered by XX university. It is quite evident that I have made the right choice because of the comprehensive support system in place for the students, regardless of their major.

Undergraduate / All roads lead to Rome. Share about a person who greatly influenced your life and why? [4]

Bert, your essay was going swimmingly before you made a grammatical error that totally destroyed the whole essay. I am going to discuss it below.


The highlighted portion is the part that made your essay fall apart. All the while you were telling us that your mother supported you and transferred you to another school to help you. She did not use corporal punishment nor did she force you to conform with the educational system. Yet in this paragraph you are telling us that she taught you the value of conformity? Do you see the problem here? You need to revise this paragraph in order to save the whole essay.

Writing Feedback / "Hey my son Military writ came for you" - should national service be mandatory for young adults? [4]

Khusel, you need to revise the start of your essay. Although you presented a very strong sentiment right from the start, you neglected to inform the reader about the topic to be discussed through the restated prompt, the point of views that will be considered in the body of the essay, and finally, your statement or opinion on the matter. That said, I hope that you will write a new introduction while I work on editing the content of your essay for you. It has quite a number of grammatical problems so I will be rewording the essay to show you the proper sentence structure for your paragraphs. These can be used as examples for your future essays.


- Mandatory military service is not a requirement in all countries. However, my country requires all young men to enter military service at the age of 17. Now some parents argue that the government should not have the power to draft their young men into military service because the country is not at war. Other parents though, support this mandatory draft even in peace time because they believe that it builds the character and physical strength of young men.( Insert your point of view here)


- Serving in the military builds responsible young men and allows them to discover their strengths and correct their weaknesses. At the age of 17, which is when the draft happens in my country, most young men are on the verge of being influenced by negative social habits such as drugs and alcohol. By entering military service, they are given a chance to correct their lives if they are already starting down the wrong path, or never start on the wrong path if they have not tried any negative vices yet.


- If this is your point of view, you should present this as part of your introduction. Then use this paragraph to build upon your reasons for supporting the military draft.


- We can actually work on strengthening this conclusion once you have adjusted the body of your essay. Your sentiment is good, you just need to learn how to word it properly :-)

Undergraduate / "I come from a world that has a dance floor" - UC Personal Statement Prompt 1 [3]

Teddy, this is a very good example of an abstract world that you turned into a reality for the reader. You took us into the unique world of a dancer and showed us how it helped shaped you as a person along with your dreams and ambitions. Let me help you out with certain issues your paper has though. You can find my suggestions for polished paragraphs below.


- I come from the world of dance. With its sleekly polished wooden floors and crystal clear mirrors, the science of fluid body movement captured my interest as a high school freshman. I can still remember watching the dance crew at the Annual Arts and Wine Festival and thinking that I would like to give living in their world a try. Upon joining a dance team as the most inexperienced member, I quickly realized that dance was not as simple nor as easy at it looked. I was so bad at dancing at first that a 12 year old girl who had just recently joined the dance team was doing pirouettes around me. Yet I refused to let the fact that I was the worst dancer on the team deter me from immersing myself in the world that I knew I wanted to belong in. Regardless of the bad judgement calls that were thrown my way, I refused to be discouraged and eventually, I was able to gain mastery of my dance moves and convince the others that I truly belonged with them.


- The dance world is unforgiving of those who make mistakes. Injuries abound and intense practice sessions were a part of daily life. It is a world that commands you to never surrender on your dreams because in the end, you will be rewarded not only with accolades from the audience, but a sense of self satisfaction that no other activity can provide. My passion for dance intensified with every performance, it was not long before dance became the only world I could live in. It did not take long before I began to wonder if I could do this professionally. I wasn't doing this just for fun anymore, I had been elevated to another level of the dance world and I needed to see where it would lead me.. My dream of becoming a professional dancer had now taken hold of me and I was not about to try to get out of it.

Consider my suggested paragraphs an example of how to enhance your original work. Feel free to ask any questions. I will advise you as best as I can :-)

Writing Feedback / Eeating food in home has many advantages for family relationship [5]

Jen, I'll be offering some examples of how to better say your paragraphs below. That will be in a separate comment line from my analysis of your paragraphs :-)


- Jen, do me a favor here ok? Try to clean up your introduction by adding the necessary components. This includes the restated prompt and method of discussion prior to your opinion. Don't get me wrong, your introduction is good. It can just be better :-)

- People always enjoy eating in luxurious surroundings. That is why restaurants are designed to make the dining experience look and feel good. As far as I am concerned though, nothing beats eating at home for a number of reasons.


- Food preparation at home is always a bonding experience for most families. Marketing for the food and preparing it creates a bonding moment between family members that normally extends to the dining table, where the pleasant conversation is continued as the deliciously prepared meal is shared by the family members. At least that is how my family shares food every Sunday. We cook the food and then shared the meal in the dining room or garden.


- Eating in, as some people prefer to call it, also serves an economic purpose for the person or family as the food budget can be stretched to cover a whole day of meals rather than just one dining experience in the restaurant. Thus freeing up the finances for other more important needs such as paying bills or saving for a new home item.

- Jen, you can still expand upon this reason. It just takes a little research :-) This is a very good reason that can use a second example to make the point more reasonable.


- Good conclusion. You perfectly summed up the prompt, summary of facts, and your opinion in a mere 2 sentences. Add another one to make it 3 sentences which is the minimum number of sentences per paragraph in an essay :-)

Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Sa1na, I'm a her :-) More editing coming your way :-)



- ... that cannot be found anywhere else in the world .


- Why are you shouting at the admissions officer? Do not use all caps when writing essays unless specified in the instructions. All caps is only acceptable when it serves as an acronym.

- Explain how each of these places (?) / courses located within the university will help you advance academically. Give the reader a reason to believe that these are truly courses or programs that will help you during your studies at the university.


- I am particularly excited by the opportunity to participate in the annual computer science competitions under the able tutelage of revered computer science professors JOsh McCoy and Mohammad Owrang Ojaboni. I would consider it the greatest honor to have them validate my early work in the scientific field of computing.

Sa1na, see if this version works for you. Don't forget the revision I explained above. Chose just one program to describe. It does not have to be a whole list. We just need to illustrate how you would use the program to your advantage :-) We can cut it down to 250 when everything has been set in place.

Undergraduate / Child Labor NGO community - non-academic pursuit [10]


- Sa1na, your essay has vastly improved. However, there is a problem with your conclusion that you need to fix before I can jump in and help you polish the essay. Under proper academic writing rules, you cannot conclude your essay with a question, let alone 2 questions. So you need to go back to your conclusion and revise it. Change the questions to statements and you should be alright.

In a conclusion, one is not allowed to introduce new ideas. By ending your essay with questions, you are posing new ideas for discussion. Which is not done within the paper itself. So it leaves the essay hanging instead. You can however, present questions that you can also present answers to earlier on in the paper. You can choose which paragraphs to add questions to. You just can't do it in the conclusion.

Writing Feedback / "better things that are learned are contained in experiences" - experience vs books knowledge [2]

Your essay has a number of flaws that I will be addressing below. Please consider other ways of presenting the information I am suggesting :-)

- Since this is a compare and contrast essay, you should have immediately applied a comparison and contrast of the two point of views in the introduction prior to serving up your opinion. Something along the lines of "Knowledge can be gained from both experience and books. Which method serves up the better lesson is an issue left up to debate. So it is best to compare and contrast a few beliefs about acquiring knowledge from experience and from books to help settle the issue. In my opinion though, experience is the best teacher and thus, provides more important knowledge to people."


- ... books are the most popular... source of knowledge .
- The weakness of this discussion lies in your use of urban beliefs and sayings. You did not provide any actual evidence to prove that books are the best source of knowledge. School is not a good example either as school offers knowledge from all avenues of learning; books, experience, discussions, etc. Try to develop a strong stand point in support of books and provide acceptable evidence for the claim.

- You have too many examples in this paragraph that do not really help to prove the validity of the common argument in support of experience. Use a more worthwhile example of gaining knowledge. Something everyone can identify with. A simple example will be a child who has been warned not to touch the fire because he will get hurt. He doesn't listen. He touches the fire. He feels pain and hurt. He never touches the fire again. He has learned from experience. Your explanatory sample need not be so complex nor cover so many situations. Just pick one and make sure to strengthen its defense.


- Your voice is missing from this discussion. You were also supposed to provide your opinion on the matter. So you cannot close with the above statement just yet. Offer the insight into your opinion in support of one side. Then you can develop a new concluding statement :-)

Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplemental Essay Personal Statement, unique qualities of NU-Chemical Engineering [11]

Middya, knowing now what happened during your visit, I am going to suggest revising a particular paragraph in order to better reflect the unique qualities of Northwestern.


- The portion that I did not strike out is the portion that I want you to expand upon as quickly but efficiently as you can. What impression did the academic community make on you during those 3 weeks? Do you believe the student social experience would benefit your academic studies there? It would be unique indeed if you could explain how the school and the social community can combine to create a very enticing educational experience for you at the university :-)

I promise, if we go over the word count, I will make sure to help you cut it down to 300 :-)

Undergraduate / Describe when and where you were able to work towards the betterment of your community [9]

Abby, I'll be making notes, comments, and suggestions for your essay as I scan the paragraphs :-)


- ... communityinvolvement evolved steadily ...
- So you learned that these events raised money for scholarships. How did that knowledge affect the way you viewed community service? Was it an eye opener for you? How did community service open your mind to the needs of others?


- ... inner city youth were... unidos proved ...



-... byaiding in free...


- ... I played the tooth...


Save for these revisions, the overall essay content is excellent and right on target with the prompt. You should be proud of yourself for writing such an engaging and interesting paper :-)

Undergraduate / I want to be unique and special; I never wanted to be conventional like others - Application essay [6]

Sa1na,you totally missed the point of the essay prompt. It is not asking you to discuss the non-existence of your ambition in life. It is not asking you how you will persevere in order to learn at the university either. The only answer that you gave which was close to answering the prompt was the line that says


That simple line is the backbone of the essay. Have you done research into the classes offered by the university? Do you have an idea of what classes you want to take and why? Does it relate to your interest in the aforementioned fields of study? If the answer to those questions turns out to be yes, then you have found the answers that will satisfy the prompt. Talk about the classes that you are looking forward to attending and why. Mention any notable professors whose classes you look forward to taking. If you are interested in any internship programs that the university offers, talk about it. Those are the answers that will answer the prompt:


All those answers will completely satisfy the provided prompt :-)