ah_zafari [Contributor]
Oct 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / The process of making tea [7]
Thank you for the complement. this is my yahoo ID : "@yahoo".
Thank you for the complement. this is my yahoo ID : "@yahoo".
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Oct 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / The process of making tea [7]
u can keep it in this form OR change it in this way :"30 minutes to five hours" .
u can keep it in this form OR change it in this way :"30 minutes to five hours" .
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Oct 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / I really need help next month I have TOEFL and your comment will help me [5]
there are two issues in this paragraph. First of all you did not support what you claimed. Why do you think that spending money on vacation is a wast of money? Why do you think buying a care is more reasonable? Use examples, your experiences, statistics, quotations, etc as supporting statements. Second of all, you did not compare two choices stated in the topic.
u used this expression in a separate paragraph. It is not clear for the reader that what you meant by "former choice". Do not make the reader to turn back an find the "former choice" (Consider the reader as a lazy person :))))
why is it convincing? it is too vague
.
use numbers to make this sentence more believable. How much is that higher than insurance costs? You can lie in wiring and you do not need to use real numbers.
the use of the word "maintenance" is a better choice in this context.
elaborate on this part. You should use persuasive supporting statements. How can it save your energy and time?
to choose between these two choices of "to go on a vacation"
even if I feel so tired or be on a need of vacation I think buying a car is looking forward (I deleted this part because you wrote it before and it is repetitive)
It is true that I would miss the chance of luxurious trip on Europe or making awesome experience of being in a beach or visiting great country and making a lot of memories, but I believe that with patience I will achieve all of them. I want to emphasize that having a car is more reasonable. In this time and age spending too much money on vacation is waste of money.
there are two issues in this paragraph. First of all you did not support what you claimed. Why do you think that spending money on vacation is a wast of money? Why do you think buying a care is more reasonable? Use examples, your experiences, statistics, quotations, etc as supporting statements. Second of all, you did not compare two choices stated in the topic.
the former choice
u used this expression in a separate paragraph. It is not clear for the reader that what you meant by "former choice". Do not make the reader to turn back an find the "former choice" (Consider the reader as a lazy person :))))
In my opinion the former choice is convincing
why is it convincing? it is too vague
but as I am a student it is wise to diminish the lifeliving costs
.
I have calculated the expense
I calculate the expense of transportation and it is much more than gas prices or insurance costs.
use numbers to make this sentence more believable. How much is that higher than insurance costs? You can lie in wiring and you do not need to use real numbers.
By taking care of the car
the use of the word "maintenance" is a better choice in this context.
By taking care of the car I will save money, energy and time for a couple of years.
elaborate on this part. You should use persuasive supporting statements. How can it save your energy and time?
wants to consult mehim/her
I will try to persuade her to buy a car.
Regardless of the fact
but should not do we forget that time is passing and vacation will finished in an eye blink and routine life with its problems will start.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Oct 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / The process of making tea [7]
this is a good opening statement but if I were you I would write a historical statement. For example, how tea become a popular drink for all nations.
Tea is a favorite and healthy drink in almost every country.
this is a good opening statement but if I were you I would write a historical statement. For example, how tea become a popular drink for all nations.
There are several stages in the production of tea (suggestion: "The procedure of making tea includes several steps") . First the tea leaves are plucked by hand to ensure the freshest leaves (suggestion: "To distinguish the freshest leaves from other ones") . Then they are spread on shelves to allow to wither for 18-24 hours. Next the softened tea leaves are fed into rolling machine for 2-3two to three (write the numbers under 10 in words) hours to release the juices inside. After that, the leaves are left on shelves in a climate-controlled room where they turn progressively darker for ˝-5 hours. The next step is known as fining .through which thel eaves are put in ovens on trays to dry for 30-40 minutes and the leaves are simultaneously. Later leaves are cut, shifted, sorted and graded at the same time . Subsequently, tea is sold through auction system. The tea merchantsbuyers taste the tea samples to assess their quality . The sellers then auction to get highest price (Revise this sentence. It sounds odd for me) . Finally, before being packed into small packets, tea is cased into tea chests and ready for export.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Oct 6, 2012
Writing Feedback / The best aspect of the job is the money one earns [7]
U did not wrote the topic, so I cannot say anything about the organization of the essay. However, if the topic is an "agree or disagree" one, you should write your opinion at the end of the introduction. You should also work on grammar and vocabulary. In addition, pay attention to the unity of the essay.
Hope the comments help
Regards
Ahmad
U did not wrote the topic, so I cannot say anything about the organization of the essay. However, if the topic is an "agree or disagree" one, you should write your opinion at the end of the introduction. You should also work on grammar and vocabulary. In addition, pay attention to the unity of the essay.
Hope the comments help
Regards
Ahmad
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Steve Irwin and his impact- Texas A&M Topic A essay [2]
why did you repeat this?
use synonym
Try to connect the first two lines (the quotation) to the following sentences.
his passion not only his passion not only not only his passion not
why did you repeat this?
passion
use synonym
His TV shows could influenced many peoplewith his television shows
Try to connect the first two lines (the quotation) to the following sentences.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Learning through desire - transfer essay from Umass to UTampa. [2]
"Everybody" is a singular word and you cannot use "they" as pronoun.
why did you use the tens of past perfect here? I think you should use the past simple tens.
everybody's life that they discover
"Everybody" is a singular word and you cannot use "they" as pronoun.
I began by going to theattending a gym (briefly introduce the gym as a non-defining clause)when one of my friendafter a friend had encouraged me to star working out.
I had begun researching and reading
why did you use the tens of past perfect here? I think you should use the past simple tens.
I had never put so muchscientifically focused into somethingan issue before in my life
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 23, 2012
Undergraduate / High technology, mental healthcare - Life today is easier and more comfortable [2]
Do not use "the" before a verb.
which reasons? it would be better to briefly state these reasons at the end of the introduction. You talked about technology, medicine, and education through second, third and forth paragraphs, respectively. So, you can write the last sentence of the introduction in this way:"Nowadays, the standard of living is better because of technological, medical and educational issues." . In this way you can show that what issues are going to be discussed in the body. For more information google "blueprint in essay/writing".
The improvment of quality of people's life and the development oflevel of the whole society levelisare correlated to each other closely.
Do not use "the" before a verb.
There are many reasons f
which reasons? it would be better to briefly state these reasons at the end of the introduction. You talked about technology, medicine, and education through second, third and forth paragraphs, respectively. So, you can write the last sentence of the introduction in this way:"Nowadays, the standard of living is better because of technological, medical and educational issues." . In this way you can show that what issues are going to be discussed in the body. For more information google "blueprint in essay/writing".
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 14, 2012
Undergraduate / My name is Ayie. I am from Selangor; check my basic English [3]
write the numbers under 10 in words
write this sentence as the second sentence just after giving your name and before talking about your siblings and your parents.
suggestion:"jogging and stretching are my favorite leisure activities."
It will helpsSuch activities can help me to sustain my weight and toned muscles.
"research" is an uncountable noun and you cannot use it in plural form.
in the citycentral areacentre of Malaysia.
5 siblings
write the numbers under 10 in words
my mother is a housewife
I'm 24 years old.
write this sentence as the second sentence just after giving your name and before talking about your siblings and your parents.
At leisure time, I like jogging and stretching
suggestion:"jogging and stretching are my favorite leisure activities."
researches
"research" is an uncountable noun and you cannot use it in plural form.
in the UK
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 13, 2012
Graduate / polyamide and epoxy composite projects ; my SOP- Chemicl Engineer [3]
move this statement to the second paragraph.
what did you learn from this experience? talk more about it. Why did you join this company? How could it influence you?
use past tens.
Write "I" as a capital letter
You should make the SOP more interesting and clear. For example, why did you run that business? it is not clear.
it would be better to talk more about new things that you could learn. Did the experience influence your personality too? If YES, you should write about it.
You should write one paragraph about where you want to apply. Where is it? Why did you choose it? Why do you think it is different from other places? What advantages of the university could attract your attention?
The final year project, "--------" made me realize my potential for a career in research and development.
move this statement to the second paragraph.
XXX, the company who funded the project, hired me as a research engineer to continue to develop the above said technology. I handled the basic finances, lab demonstration, instructed and trained student on the equipments and the related analytical tools.
what did you learn from this experience? talk more about it. Why did you join this company? How could it influence you?
Here is got to learn the method and approach to research in a industrial set-up.
use past tens.
in the United States
Write "I" as a capital letter
I successfully tackled the governmental bureaucracy to started my own cotton fabric sourcing business.
You should make the SOP more interesting and clear. For example, why did you run that business? it is not clear.
Performing multiple reaction in a c lab has immensely improved my experimental capabilities.
it would be better to talk more about new things that you could learn. Did the experience influence your personality too? If YES, you should write about it.
You should write one paragraph about where you want to apply. Where is it? Why did you choose it? Why do you think it is different from other places? What advantages of the university could attract your attention?
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 13, 2012
Writing Feedback / Successful sports professionals - international reputation of the nation role [3]
You should elaborate on this part. If you think these situations are too hard for athletes, you should talk more about these difficulties. Why are they difficult? Do they negatively impact professional sportsmen?
this statement is too short and it is not enough for supporting the topic sentence. Why do you think these duties are harder? talk more about them and compare them with what athletes do. Are they more important? Why?
You should reword the thesis statement/topic before stating your opinion.
Pay attention to spelling
various sports teams have ti commonly visit to tournaments which are being organised away from their motherland,so they are often away from theie friends and families. Their,this sacrifice, often builds and strengthens the international affairs
You should elaborate on this part. If you think these situations are too hard for athletes, you should talk more about these difficulties. Why are they difficult? Do they negatively impact professional sportsmen?
professionals likesuch as (use synonym) medical professionals
these occupations have harder duties
this statement is too short and it is not enough for supporting the topic sentence. Why do you think these duties are harder? talk more about them and compare them with what athletes do. Are they more important? Why?
Finally, in my perspect though sports stars play a big role in building an international reputation of the nation, but other professionals also play a role to serve the motherland and its natives , so the pay scale should be equal for all of these.
You should reword the thesis statement/topic before stating your opinion.
Pay attention to spelling
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 13, 2012
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]
Welcome Zahid, but you should write a message like this in the student talk forum.
Welcome Zahid, but you should write a message like this in the student talk forum.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 11, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS MODERN SOCIETIES NEED SPECIALIST IN CERTAIN FIELDS [3]
It depends on your opinion. If you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages you should mention more positive aspects of the issue stated in the topic and the revers is true if you think the disadvantages are more than advantages. In general, it would be better to mention at least two advantages and disadvantages.
I want to ask from all contributors In pros and cons situations how much shouild be disadvantages and how big advantages?
It depends on your opinion. If you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages you should mention more positive aspects of the issue stated in the topic and the revers is true if you think the disadvantages are more than advantages. In general, it would be better to mention at least two advantages and disadvantages.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 9, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Living with parents and generation gap' - Topic: iBT writing [11]
]their livesliving costs
becomingthe advantages of living independently outweigh the disadvantagesindependence have more advantages weighed more disadvantages .
I think the most important problem of this essay is vocabulary. U should use stronger words in writing. For example in the second paragraph you could use the word "pool"----> "my brother and his friends had to pool their financial resources to handle the living costs"
It would be better to portray a situation, at which young and old people manifest different thoughts. Adding an example help you to clearly convey your idea.
I think the most important problem of this essay is vocabulary. U should use stronger words in writing. For example in the second paragraph you could use the word "pool"----> "my brother and his friends had to pool their financial resources to handle the living costs"
It would be better to portray a situation, at which young and old people manifest different thoughts. Adding an example help you to clearly convey your idea.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Offered many opportunities' - University of Central Florida application [4]
This opening statement is not appropriate. You shouldn't state that this process was hard for you. I think you should write a statement to show that you are a hard working person and you can overcome all obstacles in this way to achieve your goal.
You repeated the following terms :"I researched..", "UCF is a good academic place", and these sort of things. In my opinion, you do not need to repeat these things. It would be better to mention what opportunities would be provided by UCF for you and what things distinguish this university from other ones.
What is your goal? As I told you above, you can open the essay with a sentence, which provides some information about your goal in life. Then connect the goal to an academic atmosphere. After that talk about UCF and its advantages.
Your essay was not clear and you repeated yourself throughout the essay.
Applying to colleges and universities is a hard process that is very time consuming and requires a lot of research
This opening statement is not appropriate. You shouldn't state that this process was hard for you. I think you should write a statement to show that you are a hard working person and you can overcome all obstacles in this way to achieve your goal.
I chose to apply to UCF because of the many opportunities I saw that this university offered. When I researched UCF, it looked like a great college and I could really succeed at UCF.
You repeated the following terms :"I researched..", "UCF is a good academic place", and these sort of things. In my opinion, you do not need to repeat these things. It would be better to mention what opportunities would be provided by UCF for you and what things distinguish this university from other ones.
If I had the opportunity to get accepted at UCF I feel that I can achieve my goals
What is your goal? As I told you above, you can open the essay with a sentence, which provides some information about your goal in life. Then connect the goal to an academic atmosphere. After that talk about UCF and its advantages.
Your essay was not clear and you repeated yourself throughout the essay.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / Internet, social networks and Internet to humankind - IELTS [4]
do not use contractions in writing.
I prefer the word "advent"
write an example to make the idea more clear. For example you can talke about "SKYPE", "Chat rooms", "Google" and many other websites to show how the Internet could influence the communication ways of people.
never start a sentence with "because"
BecauseA large number of social networks and a large amount of websites can jeopardizestrongly develop worldwide, our private information is put in a vulnerablesituation in consequence of a loose management.
support this point by an example.
In recent years, the Internet has boomed and played a vital role in our lives. It is believed that the Internet has become the most powerful methodtools to enhance humankind's life . However, besides the benefits of the Internet, some people statethink that it also contains many latent threatsnegative effects (The word "threats" was used in the topic. For this reason I replaced it with a synonym)toon the society. This essay will discuss advantages and disadvantages of the Internet.
didn't
do not use contractions in writing.
transferring information iswas an extremely hard work because
The coming out
I prefer the word "advent"
People from over the world can easily keep in touch with others. Information is updated for a moment, not required too much time and money. Apparently the Internet helps correspondence is easier, faster and cheaper.
write an example to make the idea more clear. For example you can talke about "SKYPE", "Chat rooms", "Google" and many other websites to show how the Internet could influence the communication ways of people.
the Internet resultsarises from
Because social network
never start a sentence with "because"
Besides, the Internet makes a potential environment for frauds through providing online sale service
support this point by an example.
the unreliable of information stated by invalid sources.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay; assess this essay and show me my mistakes? [3]
Write the essay through three paragraphs of "introduction", "body" and "conclusion. Separate each part from another one.
revise the sentence.
use synonym like "greatest", OR "the next greatest number of international students, behind Chinese students , ..."
Start the sentences with more interesting transitions such as :"The charts are also indicative of the fact that...", "The charts depict..". In addition, it would be better to classify the information of the charts into two or three parts and write each part as a separate paragraph in the body.
repetition
write this part as a separate paragraph..
it is not enough to just write something increased or decreased. Use numbers to support your report. How much did it increase or decrease? For example :"it slightly increased from xxx to xxx over xx years. However, a sharp reduction in it occurred (OR "was observed") in 2002 and 2003)."
use synonym such as "field of study"
This sentence is too long.
use past tens.
Write the essay through three paragraphs of "introduction", "body" and "conclusion. Separate each part from another one.
We can see that the general major of International Students enetering the university from Asia and some other countries like Canada, Turkey and Maxico.
revise the sentence.
In 2000, the highest number wasbelonged toin chinese students with around 55,000
highest
use synonym like "greatest", OR "the next greatest number of international students, behind Chinese students , ..."
Then we can see other countries like Canada and
Start the sentences with more interesting transitions such as :"The charts are also indicative of the fact that...", "The charts depict..". In addition, it would be better to classify the information of the charts into two or three parts and write each part as a separate paragraph in the body.
we can see
repetition
From the second chart,
write this part as a separate paragraph..
the most popular subject is buisness and managment with a slight increase and fall in 2002 and 2003 respectively.
it is not enough to just write something increased or decreased. Use numbers to support your report. How much did it increase or decrease? For example :"it slightly increased from xxx to xxx over xx years. However, a sharp reduction in it occurred (OR "was observed") in 2002 and 2003)."
subject
use synonym such as "field of study"
The next most popular subject is engineering study with almost 80,000 in 2000 with slow growth to reach 100,000 in 2003 then with a dramatic fall in 2004 with around 60,000 students, in contrast with mathamatics and computing which rise from just under 60,000 in 2000 to be almost 70,000 in 2004.
This sentence is too long.
life science stays
use past tens.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / GRE: students choose their fields on study based on their long-term career goals [2]
Open the introduction with a "Motivator" and then write the thesis statement. What you wrote as an introduction started with the thesis statement. You should prepare the mind of the reader for the topic by writing a motivator or a statement which gives some general information about the topic and then write about the main idea of the essay.
At the end of the introduction you should mention why you took this position. For more information google "blueprint in writing/essay).
Educational institutions can never accurately predict whether or not students canare able to (u used "can" previously. So, it would be better to use a wide range of structures in writing) succeed in a specific field of studysubject ("field of study" was used in the topic. So, it would be better to avoid using the phrases used in the topic) . Hence, they do not have the responsibility tothedissuade(use synonym since it was used in the topic. For example u can use "discourage")) students from these fields. They only have the responsibility to present their expectations of a qualified student for each field. But such expectations are not the only determinants that justify institutions to dissuade(synonym) students from pursuing there desired fields of study(use synonym since u used it in the previous sentences) .
Open the introduction with a "Motivator" and then write the thesis statement. What you wrote as an introduction started with the thesis statement. You should prepare the mind of the reader for the topic by writing a motivator or a statement which gives some general information about the topic and then write about the main idea of the essay.
At the end of the introduction you should mention why you took this position. For more information google "blueprint in writing/essay).
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Sep 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: which do you prefer: A high paying job or quality sparse time [2]
Open the introduction with a motivator and then write the thesis statement. Try to write the reasons (Several words) why you took this position at the end of the introduction instead of the statement " I am going to support my choice in the following paragraphs".
u used the words "expense" and "afford" for several times. Try to use synonym.
cost of house rentalrental cost of a house is very high
---> What do you mean? Revise the sentence
Do not use contractions in writing
a higher quality hubbies.
----> "hobbies" is a plural word and you cannot use it with "a".
Some people prefer to engage inhave a job with a lower payment in order to save time for their vacations. Others, However, Stay in a different ground. As I am concerned (this expression is usually used in speaking. ) , I would like to involve in a well-paid job with a higher salary rather than a job with less responsibilities and shorter workworking hours. I am going to support my choice in the following paragraphs.
Open the introduction with a motivator and then write the thesis statement. Try to write the reasons (Several words) why you took this position at the end of the introduction instead of the statement " I am going to support my choice in the following paragraphs".
afford full expenses of the life (the term "living costs" is a better choice in this context)
u used the words "expense" and "afford" for several times. Try to use synonym.
Even though you to choose to live in a small apartment you have to pay a lot for it
---> What do you mean? Revise the sentence
That's
Do not use contractions in writing
----> "hobbies" is a plural word and you cannot use it with "a".
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Famous park in Sanadaj' - Describe your last summer holiday [6]
Hi Amit, as I told you before, all the materials I have are hard copies and I cannot send them to you. I wish I could but it is impossible :((
You have some study material for me?
Hi Amit, as I told you before, all the materials I have are hard copies and I cannot send them to you. I wish I could but it is impossible :((
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 30, 2012
Letters / 'apply this master course' -how to introduce by myself in interview_ more interesting [2]
I think you should also talk about your personal life. Your interests, your problems and the ways you overcome the difficulties. If you have an experience, which distinguishes you from others, you should mention it. And finally, what things did you learn from your experiences and how they could influence you?
I think you should also talk about your personal life. Your interests, your problems and the ways you overcome the difficulties. If you have an experience, which distinguishes you from others, you should mention it. And finally, what things did you learn from your experiences and how they could influence you?
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Famous park in Sanadaj' - Describe your last summer holiday [6]
It would be better to explain that this city is located in which province of Iran as a non-defining clause.
What places did you visit? How did you enjoy? What did you do through the trip?
---> suggestion :"Oraman is a mountainous region located in xxxx"
Last summer my friends and i decided to wenttravel to one of our mutual friend's
in Sanandaj
It would be better to explain that this city is located in which province of Iran as a non-defining clause.
We startedmy tripour journey from xxx (Place) at xx(Time)in the afternoon and arrived there at xxx (Time)came at night .
On the first day we got around the city and enjoyed.
What places did you visit? How did you enjoy? What did you do through the trip?
Oraman is a zone in the Iran
---> suggestion :"Oraman is a mountainous region located in xxxx"
we ate very d elicious lunch in the Kamale, where . Kamale is a lovelyvillage xxx km away from Oramanbefore Oraman Takt . We continued our journey towardafter see Oraman we went to Marivan,Marivan is a border city near Iran-Iraq border region . There iswas a very beautiful lake in Marivan that called Zarivar, (Give some information about the lake. What did you do there?) .
On the third day we went to Abidat. Abidar is a famous park in the Sanandaj (why is it famous? What did you see at the park? Why do you still remember it?
On the third day we went to Abidat. Abidar is a famous park in the Sanandaj (why is it famous? What did you see at the park? Why do you still remember it?
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 30, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Some people think that it is important to use leisure time for activities [4]
this is too short as an introduction. Open it with a motivator and you should first give some general information about the topic and then write the thesis statement.
In this type of essay you should first restate the thesis statement in the conclusion and then give your opinion in order to show you are in agreement with which viewpoint. Finally write a clincher.
There are two schools of thought on whether leisure time should be used in self-improvement or it should be used as a time to rest your mind.
this is too short as an introduction. Open it with a motivator and you should first give some general information about the topic and then write the thesis statement.
Leisure time gives an opportunity/chanceis the best time to find one's interest and discover him self/herself .
In conclusion, there is nothing wrong in both ways of thinking. If someone feels that keeping the mind for some time is the best thing to do, it's the best thing. On the other hand nothing wrong in engaging ones brain during leisure time.
In this type of essay you should first restate the thesis statement in the conclusion and then give your opinion in order to show you are in agreement with which viewpoint. Finally write a clincher.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Popularity of convenience foods wouldn't replace traditional foods [5]
Maria : I edited one of your works, but I do not know what happened to it (it has been eliminated). I surprised !!!!!!
Maria : I edited one of your works, but I do not know what happened to it (it has been eliminated). I surprised !!!!!!
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS - Popularity of convenience foods wouldn't replace traditional foods [5]
It would be better to mention the reasons why you took this position (through several words). This part of the introduction is called "blueprint". For more information you can google "blueprint in the essay".
In the introduction you said you are not in agreement with the statement mentioned in the topic. But, this paragraph shows that you are supporting the statement. In an "agree or disagree" essay you should clearly state your opinion, either agree or disagree, and then you should only support you opinion through at least two paragraphs. If you disagree with the statement you should write the reasons why you disagree with it and support your ideas by examples, statistics, etc.
Among these options, convenience foods have become progressively more popular with customers than traditional foods
From my perspective, this trend is not the mainstream.
It would be better to mention the reasons why you took this position (through several words). This part of the introduction is called "blueprint". For more information you can google "blueprint in the essay".
In the introduction you said you are not in agreement with the statement mentioned in the topic. But, this paragraph shows that you are supporting the statement. In an "agree or disagree" essay you should clearly state your opinion, either agree or disagree, and then you should only support you opinion through at least two paragraphs. If you disagree with the statement you should write the reasons why you disagree with it and support your ideas by examples, statistics, etc.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 29, 2012
Writing Feedback / Agree or disagree with forcing a school uniform . [2]
Is this an introduction? Sorry, but what you wrote as an introduction does not include any crucial parts of an introduction. The introduction should start with a motivator. Then write the thesis statement and finally mention your opinion, either agree or disagree.
In the conclusion, you should first restate the thesis statement to remind the reader what issue was discussing in the body, and then write a clincher.
You should also work on vocabulary and grammar.
Hope the comments help
In the high school, students should wear the same school uniform. Making that would increase the affiliation of the student to his school, change his look to his peers and increase his passion for learning.
Is this an introduction? Sorry, but what you wrote as an introduction does not include any crucial parts of an introduction. The introduction should start with a motivator. Then write the thesis statement and finally mention your opinion, either agree or disagree.
In a conclusion, the uniform is a key factor in the education process that has a vast effect on both the student and the teacher as well.
In the conclusion, you should first restate the thesis statement to remind the reader what issue was discussing in the body, and then write a clincher.
You should also work on vocabulary and grammar.
Hope the comments help
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 25, 2012
Essays / 'the number 4 of 7 children' - SPELMAN ESSAY [8]
I think it is a good work, but you can make it even more emotional since you experienced very hard situations in your life.
I think the last paragraph is not appropriate enough as you listed your experiences, especially your sport activities. Use transitions and try to connect them to your dream and goal. In addition why you repeated some of your experiences in the last paragraph (" have been tutoring kids and even young adults. Mostly in the subjects of German, English, History, Economy & Law. I have also been helping out at the homeless shelter during holidays and I have worked at a youth club for kids and teengers for a while. I babysat for different families .."). Do you think they are necessary to be mentioned one more time?
I think it is a good work, but you can make it even more emotional since you experienced very hard situations in your life.
I think the last paragraph is not appropriate enough as you listed your experiences, especially your sport activities. Use transitions and try to connect them to your dream and goal. In addition why you repeated some of your experiences in the last paragraph (" have been tutoring kids and even young adults. Mostly in the subjects of German, English, History, Economy & Law. I have also been helping out at the homeless shelter during holidays and I have worked at a youth club for kids and teengers for a while. I babysat for different families .."). Do you think they are necessary to be mentioned one more time?
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 24, 2012
Essays / 'the number 4 of 7 children' - SPELMAN ESSAY [8]
there is no connection between these sentences. Why did you talk about your father?
Classmates
write the number under 10 in words.
Do not use contractios in writing.
tryexperiencesomething new things . I wanted to combine the things that are mostmore important to me, besides G od and family.
I grew up as the number 4 of 7 children. All girls. My dad was born and raised in Algeria, North Africa. Being bicultural multicultural helped me understand a lot (what do you mean? Understand what?) .
there is no connection between these sentences. Why did you talk about your father?
Class mates
Classmates
They did not finish school or had bad grades who were not qualified to take a decent joband couldn't find a job
helping them find solutions forsolve school problems and social problems.
write the number under 10 in words.
Do not use contractios in writing.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 24, 2012
Letters / 'your advertisement for a weekend job' - Improve my letter [5]
First of all your essay contains 138 words, while you must write at least 150 words.
u can use this statement :"I am writing with reference to your advertisement...". In order to make the letter more realistic you can mention the name of the newspaper at which u have seen the advertisement.
elaborate on this part. What is the name of your university? What was your responsibility? Talk more about your experience.
----> suggestion:"I am eagerly waiting for your kind reply and really appreciate your time and concern
First of all your essay contains 138 words, while you must write at least 150 words.
I have just seen your advertisement
u can use this statement :"I am writing with reference to your advertisement...". In order to make the letter more realistic you can mention the name of the newspaper at which u have seen the advertisement.
I feel I am rightmatch
it would be my pleasure if Ito be awere part of it.
volunteer guide in tourist guides club of my university.
elaborate on this part. What is the name of your university? What was your responsibility? Talk more about your experience.
I am looking forward to your reply.
----> suggestion:"I am eagerly waiting for your kind reply and really appreciate your time and concern
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'choosing big cities is wise' - Do you prefer big cities or small towns, to live in? [5]
:))))) this is a slang. Usually American use it. We don't have it in Farsi. It means:" In poole k hame ja harfe aval ro mizaneh va baghiyeye chizha kashke". :))))
A question only: "Money Talks, Bullshit Walks " What does it mean. Say it in Farsi please.
:))))) this is a slang. Usually American use it. We don't have it in Farsi. It means:" In poole k hame ja harfe aval ro mizaneh va baghiyeye chizha kashke". :))))
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 23, 2012
Faq, Help / EF Contributing is AWESOME...so how do i become one??!! [10]
Hi, Khanh if you can put this message in the forum of "moderators and contributors". You are a great writer and you are overqualified to be a contributor. But if you could not be a contributor, keep helping other people cause being a contributor brings no privilege and it is just a status, nothing else. What is really important is that you should enjoy helping others.
Hi, Khanh if you can put this message in the forum of "moderators and contributors". You are a great writer and you are overqualified to be a contributor. But if you could not be a contributor, keep helping other people cause being a contributor brings no privilege and it is just a status, nothing else. What is really important is that you should enjoy helping others.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Am I dreaming?' - China and I - help and advice on my essay [2]
I think it is not appropriate to call their homes as "caves". I think you should replace the word "caves" with "poor/humble homes"
the grammar, structure and etc.
392 miles from my hometown, Chongqing
To help the neededneedy people
On my way to theirthe/that school,
I saw when I arrived at the school
After leaving their caves,
I think it is not appropriate to call their homes as "caves". I think you should replace the word "caves" with "poor/humble homes"
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / My School Days (school article) [5]
Repetition. use synonym
Do not use contractions in writing. Avoid using "don't", "weren't" and the like.
it is an informal expression. Revise it
---> suggestion: "As far as my memory helps"; "As far as I remember"
Since
Repetition. use synonym
Do not use contractions in writing. Avoid using "don't", "weren't" and the like.
we also used to shareuncovered our silly secrets.
In my school days, we sometimes used to playinunder the rains
some of the stuff
it is an informal expression. Revise it
as I remember them
---> suggestion: "As far as my memory helps"; "As far as I remember"
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'moved to a new house' - Personal Essay for Princeton App [6]
Andy/Andrew I really liked your essay. It was interesting, but I have some suggestions for improving the essay. you can find them below:
use synonym.
do not use contractions
Why???
I think the use of "intimate friends" or "cronies" is better than the term "good friends". What do you think?
the word "cool" is not formal. Use another word such as "interesting", "attractive", "approval". For example :"I was looking for a way to be the center of attention and I was seeking other people's approval"
-----> Suggestion:"I was in the mold of another person and I always played a role like an actor"
One more point: You should write some sentences about the things that you learned through that period of time. You should talk more about positive aspects of your experiences.
Andy/Andrew I really liked your essay. It was interesting, but I have some suggestions for improving the essay. you can find them below:
despite my
use synonym.
wouldn't
do not use contractions
people soon wouldn't even let me play
Why???
I had two good friends
I think the use of "intimate friends" or "cronies" is better than the term "good friends". What do you think?
I thought that the suffix "-drew"
cooler.
the word "cool" is not formal. Use another word such as "interesting", "attractive", "approval". For example :"I was looking for a way to be the center of attention and I was seeking other people's approval"
I was always acting like someone who I wasn't
-----> Suggestion:"I was in the mold of another person and I always played a role like an actor"
One more point: You should write some sentences about the things that you learned through that period of time. You should talk more about positive aspects of your experiences.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / Internet is one of most important invention in the past 100 hundreds years [2]
vastan extensive range of information
ButHowever, we should notice some problems may arise from the huge volume of information on the Internet.also makes some trouble in our life.
What types of problems? In addition, in an "agree or disagree" topic you should give your opinion at the end of the introduction and then support you opinion, either agree or disagree, through at least two paragraphs in the body.
the I nternet is considered as one of the most important inventionsinover the past 100 hundreds yearscentury
our lifelives to be much more convenient than before (How??)
What types of problems? In addition, in an "agree or disagree" topic you should give your opinion at the end of the introduction and then support you opinion, either agree or disagree, through at least two paragraphs in the body.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Attending university classes should be required or optional-Feedback [10]
It seems good, but you should also work on grammar.
For getting information about different types of topic you can google it.
It seems good, but you should also work on grammar.
For getting information about different types of topic you can google it.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 21, 2012
Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Attending university classes should be required or optional-Feedback [10]
In this type of topic you should give your opinion (agree or disagree) in the introduction. The structure of the conclusion should be like what I wrote below :
1) Reword the topic or the thesis statement to remind the reader what issues were being argued in the body.
2) if the topic is an "agree or disagree" type you do not need to give your opinion here, but for other types of topics you should write your opinion in the conclusion.
3) clincher : this is an ending statement to show the essay is ended. A clincher can be a "question", "quotation", "prediction", etc.
I strongly agree that attending classes in the university will not be required to the students because of the reason above
In this type of topic you should give your opinion (agree or disagree) in the introduction. The structure of the conclusion should be like what I wrote below :
1) Reword the topic or the thesis statement to remind the reader what issues were being argued in the body.
2) if the topic is an "agree or disagree" type you do not need to give your opinion here, but for other types of topics you should write your opinion in the conclusion.
3) clincher : this is an ending statement to show the essay is ended. A clincher can be a "question", "quotation", "prediction", etc.
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / The Muscle Man Gym wants to increase women member enrollment [2]
I think this point is not reasonable because a WIS man do not consider the spectators or other people outside the gym as the members of the gym :))))
In order to do this he was suggested to providegave reasons like introducing more cardiovascular equipments as women are interested in such facilities. He was also advised to decrease the,lowering the price and use pictural advertising
are many other things that he must take into the consideration to increase the rate of women's membershipwhich he has not considered which will evantually effect his profit .
if we assume that the number of men coming to the gym isthere are 100 men are coming to gymand among them 20 membersand of these 20 are married, we can conclude that 20% of the women just attend the gym to accompany their husbands not to exercise.and coming with their spouse than it is possible that women are coming to gym not to exercise but to accompany their partner .
I think this point is not reasonable because a WIS man do not consider the spectators or other people outside the gym as the members of the gym :))))
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Benildian student' - short essay need to revise [3]
I edited an essay with the same topic through last two days. Are you guys classmate? Another issue is that the sentences of your work and that essay are exactly resemble. Isn't it a little strange?? :DDD
I edited an essay with the same topic through last two days. Are you guys classmate? Another issue is that the sentences of your work and that essay are exactly resemble. Isn't it a little strange?? :DDD
ah_zafari [Contributor]
Aug 20, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'Cyberbullying Hurts!' - Essay Advice [2]
isare on the rise
u used the phrase "open up" several times in two lines. Avoid any repetition. The thesis, as u said, is a little vague. I think, if you writ the introduction like what I wrote above, the main idea of the essay might become more clear for the reader.
Parents must listen to their children , as well as they should pay attention to their activities and needs. In fact, this is the only safe way for parents to control their children. However, some children are deprived of parental attention because their parents do not have enough time to stay beside them. This is a prevalent problem in the modern societies, in which most parents are working ones. Consequently, children tend to the Internet to spend their time, but this is not the end of the story. Some of children and teenagers are consciously or unconsciously steered toward a particular illegal on-line activity, known as "Cyberbullying".[define the word "cyberbullying" here.]after giving the definition, write about the issues that you want to discuss in the body . when the child opens up to them. Sometimes they cannot always open up to their parents, but the parents need to create a home environment where the child can be open with what is going on in their life .
u used the phrase "open up" several times in two lines. Avoid any repetition. The thesis, as u said, is a little vague. I think, if you writ the introduction like what I wrote above, the main idea of the essay might become more clear for the reader.
