Undergraduate / "parents stimulated my interest in mathematics" - Ethical Dilemna Promp [6]

As a child, I (did something)...
As children, my parents did something...
But don't do this: As a child, my parents...

"As a child" refers to the person you are about to write a verb about. :-)

When I was a child my parents always told me

Sometimes adverbs make sentences worse. Most of the time, actually. Disappointingly I chose to aid my peers during exams, ...

No need to include the name... it detracts from the reader's experience:
In 8th grade, m My math teacher Mr. Paul was aware that students were cheating off of me during exams. One day, as he passed

This is a good place for a colon:
...say that I've done what my parents wanted: the right thing.

This essay is great!

Undergraduate / "I like to compete" - USC personal Statment "What Matters to Me and Why" [3]

Actually, that whole first sentence should probably be removed. The writing is great in this essay, but I want to mention that the first sentence is uneventful.

Just like the starting lineup of a basketball team, the starting lineup of the essay should be all strong players. The first sentence of the essay is the kid that jumps up at the beginning of the game and tries to get control of the ball.

Continuing the basketball analogy, the captain of the team is represented by the sentence at the end of the first paragraph, because it is that sentence that establishes a main idea in the reader's mind after she finishes paragraph one.

Captain of the team: This is what sparked my interest in science and medicine.-----is it your intention to tell the reader when your interest began? I think you have a more meaningful message for the reader. Improve the message of that sentence, and you will improve the message of the essay.

The only other thing I don't like is the last paragraph. Sports Medicine is worth your attention for its own value, not just to stay around sports competition to stay around the competition, etc. Don't leave the reader thinking you are not actually interested in sports medicine... end the essay with a few sentences that tell about some of your goals as a professional in your field.

:-)

Undergraduate / "China needs hospice." - Issue of Importance to You -- UT Essay B [3]

...them pass out at home, one third in hospitals, and the others loose lose their lives while struggling..

... witnessed two of their death s. Although having ripened in the last 20 years from its present in China, hospice, is still wanting. ----in what way is it lacking? You should compare it to hospice provided in other nations, or you should give some more specific examples of how it is insufficient.

I think it would be great to cite at least 1 or 2 research articles in this paper. It is not required, but it would make it so impressive!

:-)

Undergraduate / "Summer of 2007+ Culture shock" - story of my life; cultural - Washington Essays [3]

The summer of 2007 is a vast collection of many memories that I feel very fortunate to have experienced. This sentence is uninteresting, so it does not deserve the seat of honor at the start of the essay.

Plus, they are "memories of experiences," not "memories you are glad to have experienced..."

Get rid of the unnecessary words:
I had felt incredibly blessed to have the opportunity of to travel to Europe and touring tour the countries of France and Germany for two months.

See if you can cut unnecessary words until the whole essay has shrunk down to 75% of the original.

...and saying goodbye to my sister and I me.

I see lots of places to reduce the # of words:
The experience of s Seeing my mother for two months in the last ...

Culture shock is almost inevitable when living for long periods of time in a foreign country. Here is a statement of the obvious... like I said before, the intro sentence that starts the essay is important. Start with a good sentence, like this one:

I have had the opportunity to personally experience the feeling of I experienced complete and utter confusion while visiting distant family. My family and I were

Here is a very impressive sentence, full of meaning:
During my trip overseas I forced was out of my comfort zone and as a result made myself conform to how my French and German relatives did everything in order to be polite.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I defeated nature, pain, fear" - something about you to contribute to our community [2]

Plural would be good here:
The smells of dirt, trees, and burning wood send a chill down my spine.

I begin to see light at the end of the dark world I am in.---I think a word or two need to be added to this sentence to help the reader understand what you mean. Then, end the paragraph...

Next para:
I am finally out of the woods. I run down the ...

This is great DESCRIPTIVE writing, but I think you need to make a point and reflect on the implications.

I think it is not good to make this about overcoming fear. There is no fear, only pain. You overcame your own limitations and mastered your pain.

So, keep the great description and action, but make time to talk about how this appreciation for discipline is something you can CONTRIBUTE TO THEIR COMMUNITY. That is the important part.

:-)

Undergraduate / The performing and visual arts - Which extracurriculars will you pursue at JHU? [3]


I think this word has no place in any essay, but that is my own prejudice...

I'm currently spending my gap year helping doing what I love: which includes spending a significant amount of time participating in community ...

I'm also interested in manifesting following even my most obscure interests, such as ---They already manifested.

Try to use fewer words to express your meaning. If you can make a point in 100 rhythmic, eloquent words, it is better than using 150 rhythmic, eloquent words. You are a good writer, and a lot of good writers tend to use more words than necessary.

:-)

Undergraduate / John's Hopkins - Why did you choose your major (Latin American Studies)? [2]

You write very well, Harvestbristle! And thanks for helping to correct the many hundreds of essays people are posting lately. I really appreciate your work here. Please check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

I don't think they mind 6 extra words, but if you want to cut some...
As I am an American citizen living in Puerto Rico, and I feel both a part of the U.S. and apart from the U.S., which has made me sensitive to the cultural differences between Latin America and the U.S. I'm excited about expanding my knowledge of foreign policy through coursework at college.

This is why I've decided to pursue this the dynamic field of foreign policy, and I hope to ultimately be a leader in fostering better cultural understanding between even the most conflicting nations in our Hemisphere hemisphere, such as Venezuela and Colombia.

Now, do a paragraph break right here to help the reader organize her thoughts about your sentences.
Start new para:
With a myriad of thought-provoking courses, JHU provides...

Undergraduate / My struggle with my surroundings-Feedback [3]

A person's background can tell you.... significant factors that can affect a person mentally and physically such as family, friends, community etc. This part is not helpful. The reader already knows this.

My surroundings of my peers and my family have shaped my aspirations and dreams. This does not actually tell anything about you.

Throughout my life, I have been surrounded by gang members, smokers, and drinkers, people who could care less about the world they live in.---Now you are starting to write about your surroundings! Excellent. I wish this was the first sentence of the essay.

Everyone All people in the group all drink and smoke except me.

They do not care about their education or their future. Many times they would pull out cigarettes and start to smoke in front of me, attempting to get me into smoking. When I read this sentence, I think, "Hey, didn't he already tell me this in previous paragraphs?

Do you know anyone your age who does not smoke or drink? I hope you spend some time with friends who are serious about education instead of drinking!

This essay only tells about one aspect of your world... and I think you should condense it into a single paragraph. Add new dimensions to it, and spend at least 1 or 2 paragraphs discussinfg the aspirations you have as the result of your experiences and contemplation. Let this be an expression of your life-philosophy and your plan for the future.

:-) I think you focused too much on peer pressure.

Undergraduate / "The Best in the Box"-essay for Wisconsin-Madison [8]

I am a high achiever person. In my hometown, Indonesia, I always try and able to make the best out of everything. Being ranked the 1st all 3 years in junior high and continued to maintain top ranks during high school definitely made me complacent, especially since all those schools I attended were one of the nation's best. And if I wanted to, I could get in to the best university in Indonesia through direct admission just like how I got in to my junior and high school; but I denied the offer. Commended by teachers, friends, and parents of for my academic achievements, I nevertheless has become a trite; yet I felt like there was something missing in the definition of learning that I perceived way I was learning. Only later did I find out I was lacking well-roundedness.

(Start a new paragraph)
A stereotype applies to Indonesia's education system; they put so much pressure in academic performance that it overshadows non-academic activities.---This is a good sentence!!

In the last paragraph, write about the way you can contribute. You can contribute not only your scholarly diligence but also your unterstanding of the importance of well-roundedness.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Describe your relationship with your siblings." - St. Edwards Essay [2]

...while when she leaves to attend church.

When I was about ten years old I was

Going to college will be a big step i will take towards success in my family; after i do so my siblings will follow in after me and will be feel encouraged to attend college.---Here, I added the action verb "feel." I think this is a great sentence! The reader will like the way you are thoughtful about how your influence will affect them.

You did a great job! I hope you capitalize the word "I" before you submit this!
It will be good if you show that you answered their prompt by using some of the key terms: impacted, birth order, etc. However, I think this is already a good essay...

:-)

Undergraduate / "After volunteering four more times..." - ST JOHNS ESSAY [3]

It is when we help others that we are truly benefiting ourselves. I was ignorant of this aspect as a child. It wasn't until high school that I matured. (Right here, add a THESIS STATEMENT that expresses, in a single sentence, the main message of the essay. Then, end the first paragraph).

Paragraph 2 begins:
Joining Midwood Lacrosse, one of our...-------But I see that this is not a good topic sentence for the paragraph. So... Start paragraph 2 like this:

(Write a sentence about how Lacrosse is significant to the main message of the essay, which you expressed in the thesis statement). Joining Midwood Lacrosse, one of our...

I hope this is clear for you to understand! I am suggesting that you should
1.) Do a paragraph break where I indicated.
2.) Add a sentence to the end of para #1
3.) Add a TOPIC SENTENCE to the beginning of paragraph 2.

(Google TOPIC SENTENCE to review the way a topic sentence establishes the main idea of a paragraph.)

I think it would be a good idea to divide this essay into 3 paragraphs.
:-)

Undergraduate / "illustration of a utopia with diversity" - how you first became interested in BU [4]

Later that day, I looked into the schools website, since then I spent countless hours watching as many videos, reading tons of excerpts, and clicking as many links as possible. I learned that (List some of the important resources at the school that are related to YOUR particular plan for your studies)

I frugally used Google maps 'street view' application, to "visit" BU's campus. Let's not include any of this sort of thing. Let's just focus on using this as an opportunity to show them how much thought you have put into your career plans.

Know what I mean? The way you discuss the appeal of BU will reflect how well you have planned your studies, which in turn reflects your seriousness and determination.

Undergraduate / Photography Job: School of Visual Arts Application Essay [5]

The first paragraph does not introduce any profound ideas. It just tells the story about someone who began taking pictures as a child and practicing photography. I hope you can find one MAIN concept or message that the essay is sending to the reader, and express that message clearly in the first paragraph.

Ask yourself: What are the most important facts to tell the reader?

"I used internet search functions, and read magazines and books about photography." ---capitalize Internet. More importantly, I think you should list a few of the topics you studied instead of just referring to mags, books, and Internet searches. List the topics and what you learned!

:-)

Undergraduate / "From life in Korea to China" - My experience (quality, talent, experience) [3]


This is a great sentence...

You write very well, so I'll just give some ideas to improve the efficiency:
when I used to have had a hard time ...

This idea was adopted from my experience when I was 7. I had had trouble locating supplies; since I cleaned my room based on varied categories I came up with, I could ...

Above all, it gave me an opportunity to attend an international school, which, in turn, enriched my life with friends from all over the world and activities that kept my school years dynamic. -------------------This sentence ends the first paragraph, and at that moment when I finish reading the first paragraph I see this sentence and it makes me think the essay is about this vague idea: "I attended an international school that enriched my life."

I think you can ADD another sentence to the end of the first para, after this one, and make it a sentence that gives a thesis about the real topic of the essay, which pertains to these methodical innovations you used and the change you experiences. Bring that thesis statement into focus!

:-)

Undergraduate / Being Armenian; The Summer I Got Hye [3]

What is the significance of "Hye" in the essay?

You wrote "filled with courage and bloodshed," but I think it is better if you write:
...filled with courage inspired by that of our predecessors who experienced bloodshed...

I like your matter-of-fact writing style, but I want to tell you that you should try to make each paragraph about an idea. Let each paragraph have one main idea. So...

The introduction paragraph tells the main idea of the essay.
The first body paragraph gives a smaller idea to support the main idea of the essay.
The second body paragraph gives another small idea to support the main idea of the essay.
The third body paragraph gives another small idea to support the main idea of the essay...
The fourth body paragraph gives another small idea to support the main idea of the essay.
The conclusion paragraph is about the same main idea as the intro paragraph.

This is not the only way to do it, but it is a good way. Most importantly:
Begin each paragraph with a sentence that lets the reader know the main idea of the paragraph. Do not include sentences that do not support the main idea of the paragraph. So, writing a composition is like playing a game that requires you to create a kind of "structure" with your paragraphs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Raw food vs Cooked food - How's my intro? [13]

That's okay! A lot of people will be able to learn from this thread in the future. Thanks, everyone...

Undergraduate / UC App, USA & Vietnam (world you come from) + "my own spot" (personal quality) [3]

For the first essay, you should not let that intro para be only one sentence. Expand it to be a whole paragraph so that you can make a good thesis statement about the dynamic combination of families... what can be said about it to sum up your message to the reader?

In the second essay, the opening sentence is boring and weak. :-) I suggest replacing it with a sentence that grabs the reader's attention, makes an impression, demands respect!

That first paragraph fails to catch my attention. What is the main message to the reader?

Before you take action, consider your purpose. Before writing an essay, decide what experience you want the reader to have.

My junior year, I decided---Add "during" to this. During my junior year, I decided...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "The media has the power to instill ideas" - National/Local Concern Prompt [2]

No need for the comma in the first sentence.

The first paragraph is a little off-putting because a youth is presuming to know that the elders are being naive when in most cases it is the other way around. Also, you state the obvious throughout the paragraph. You can refer in a single sentence to the way media can be abused to influence people... and the reader will understand. Spend your sentences telling the reader something new, something they do not already know.

In 2009, I joined New Youth Communications, a non-profit newspaper written by teenagers living in New York City. ---this is a good sentence, but it is not good as a topic sentence for a paragraph. The topic sentence for a paragraph should support the main argument of the essay. This sentence does not support the thesis of the essay. I suggest adding a sentence before this one, a topic sentence.

. During my time writing articles, and being a journalist I learned about good journalism ethics, and also---This is brilliant. This is where I think the essay should begin. I think you should cut the first paragraph and cut all mention of your parents being brainwashed. If you do not have time to support the claim, don't make it. It is not necessary as part of the essay. But this content in the middle is excellent. Everything from this sentence onward is great.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Acting Inanely" Significant Experience, Common App [2]

Use commas to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:
I realized how fortunate I was, and...
Yes, I was in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and ...

Also, use commas when you list more than one adjective:
Her hair muddled, face crimson red, and eyes blood-shot puffy, my teacher sat alone, quiet, and poignant at the---I also changed the semi-colon to a dash. Google around about the way to use each of those.

Friends who were furious at her and envious of us, was recaptured in my mind. --this is not good, because it says: "Friends...---> was" instead of "friends ---> were"

I forgot how lucky I was to be in this amazing city and how most of my friends will would never travel past these small Baltimore white lines.

You have a great, poetic way of writing!!

Undergraduate / The reason I hate my elementary teacher? - Virginia Tech question [7]

Here is a great place for a hyphen:
...expected me to do one plus one -- an elementary math teacher had made me realized that hatred does not exist.

I'm afraid some of the meaning is lost on me! Maybe you can make it clearer by changing a single word. Or maybe I am just too thick to understand! But think about how confusing it is for me as I try to figure out why you hate the way her hand moves, or while I try to figure out how you must have felt embarrassed when you accidentally said "mom." I think you can probably make a small change so that the reader can enjoy the theme you are expressing! :-)

Also, you don't need the wxord had here: math teacher had made me realized that hatred does not exist...

Undergraduate / "a man was trying to get in" - UC Prompt- experience [3]

Ironically though, the very experience that has had the greatest impact on my life thus far was the exact situation that under normal circumstances, I would avoid.---At this point in the essay you have not explicitly stated that you avoid situations of uncertainty, so this sentence is kind of unhelpful. I think you could leave it out, and the essay would still be great. Leave it out, and replace it with a sentence that tells the "moral of the story," the message of the essay.

So I ran to my room and locked the door.---This sentence might not be necessary. It seems to reflect negatively on you, like a kid hiding under the blankets to escape monsters in the closet. Can you replace this sentence with a sentence that shows the reader what you are trying to show? What impression are you trying to make?

so acutely tested my ability to remain calm and rely on my instincts. ------it seems like the story shows that you were NOT able to act effectively to protect yourself, etc. The way you told the story, it seems like you had time to do a lot of things, but you did not. I am not saying it is bad that you did not find a phone or escape the house; I just think you should acknowledge in the essay what you could have done more effectively. You can write about the way the experience helped you to know yourself better, and I like the way you explained that, but I think it is important to evaluate what happened a little more and acknowledge what you could have done better if you had used that feeling of dissosiation to your advantage by taking action to escape or call for help.

:-)

Undergraduate / UC (personal quality, talent): "color guard has not seen the last of me" [3]

...as a team member and as an individual in this sport and performing art, as well as and I also faced many challenges.-----I got rid of "sport and" because that detail is not important. Think of your purpose. Your purpose is not to tell them that it is a sport + performing art. The purpose is to make them feel impressed by the experience you provide with this essay.

Here is a sentence that provides a poignant experience for the reader:
That year was not the most successful, but I don't regret the experience.

...the difficult decision of leaving to leave the team.

I think you should find a place in the intro paragraph to mention the fact that it was difficult for you to leave color guard... and then at the end this great last sentence will provide closure for that tension you create when saying you had to leave the team.

Color guard has not seen the last of me.---This makes a great ending!

Dissertations / Research topic for PhD (textile engineer, Technology Management) [2]


This is not a problem. It's an opportunity! If you are interested in the use of technology to improve efficiency, you should read a few VERY recent articles about the newest technologies in use.

Those articles will include section near the beginning that REVIEW a lot of other articles. When you read the literature review, it will give you a "crash course" on all the recent developments.

Your job is to read about lots of recent developments and then see what PROBLEM can be solved to improve efficiency.

You have 2 tasks:

1.) Read all about quantitative and qualitative research designs so that you know what your options are.
2.) Read some literature reviews in recent articles about subjects that interest you.

When you have read about 8 different research designs and also 8 different recent articles, and if you take notes about all of them, you will be ready to plan a project!

:-)

Graduate / "the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing" -need help with sop writting [3]

I want to reach the summit in the knowledge of instrumentation and signal processing, apply this knowledge for the innovation of new technology (replace this with some specific area of innovation), which could benefit and lead and contribute to the betterment of human life.

Capitalize the W:
with With this goal in my mind, I did both my ...

I think you should move this sentence to the end: I would like to quench my thirst for knowledge by reaching one more level by completing the (name of program) at (name of university).

:-)

Graduate / "to pursue retail management" - Human Resources Grad Admission [3]


When you make this claim, at the moment you make it, you are not having a good effect. It does not make the reader simply accept the idea that you are a leader. You should skip the part where you make the claim and instead write a sentence about something you did to demonstrate that you are a leader. Let the reader come to the conclusion without being told.

It is the same right here: I have always been a passionate individual.---This sentence does not make the reader think you are passionate. It makes the reader think you are someone who claims to be passionate based on your own standard.

I became involved in campus organizations and extra-curricular activities to sharpen my skills and help me become a well-rounded student. ---- This sounds unrealistic. It would be better to actually say what they were and your real reasons for choosing them.

I would like it if this great sentence was the first sentence of the essay:
Always enamored by corporations, marketing and business, I decided that I would love to get involved in management when I graduated from college.----If the essay began with this very meaningful sentence, I would really be interested as soon as I started to read!

:-)

Undergraduate / TSA and Full-Body Scans - ApplyTexas Essay B - Issue of Importance [3]

You have great sentences and great description, a very enjoyable writing style. But you do not make many arguments. You basically only argue that it is a significant cost. But you could look into the points made in this controversy... for example, can these procedures really be effective for preventing attacks, or will terrorists just work around them?

Also, is it true that we have let the terrorists achieve their goal if we relinquish our dignity this way?

Google this: airport security arguments debate opposing views

Your "fly naked" argument is funny and poignant!

Undergraduate / "Did God who gave us flowers and trees, also provide the allergies?" - Common App [3]

One old rule of grammar is this: Do not end a sentence with a preposition.
People violate that rule all the time, but it is good if you obey it when you can. Here is a place where you can:

Without them, the world would be a catastrophic, unbearable, intolerable, and disastrous place to live. in .

...they are the suppliers of air and ...

s a compassionate middle-aged man with a benign smile and friendly attitude, he exemplified my image of a doctor.---very good sentence here...

He was a busy man. During every visit, regardless of what time and day, the clinic was inundated with patients.

He performed the many operations I had to undergo, ranging from laser surgeries -- to remove the swelling as a result of accumulative inflammatory responses to allergens to whic h I was exposed -- to the partial nasal bone removal to widen the nasal airway. ------In this sentence, I added a pair of dashes to help manage it. When you have a very complicated, long sentence, it helps to use a pair of dashes. :-)

I like those two very strong sentences at the end!

Writing Feedback / Peer pressure - "OUR DESIRE TO CONFIRM IS GREATER THAN OUR RESPECT FOR OTHER OBJECTS" [2]

You are always allowed to put these two together as one word: cannot

Most people cannot

Here is another word that you can put together as one word:
hairstyles

Check for typos!---> People might ssay something to you, and you might get upset.

Peer pressure has been going

For instance if you hang out with a group of people who steal, and rob places

Here is a great sentence:
Everyone wants to grow up to be like someone who they admire.

Reasons that people think that people they cannot do it is because of peer pressure, and some of the items are mor valuable than others. (The end does not make sense. What is this---items are more valuable... Revise that ending.

:-)

Writing Feedback / should students have part-time jobs while studying? [3]

This is pretty good! One way to improve your writing is to make a longer intro paragraph and a longer conclusion paragraph.

In this essay, you have a short intro and long body paragraphs. I think you should look at the essay -- read it twice -- and then write a sentence that expresses the main argument of the whole essay in a single sentence. Add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

So, instead of just ending the first paragraph with a statement that you believe a part time job provides great benefits, you should end it with a sentence that LISTS the benefits.

:-)

Graduate / "one very simple device-a mouse trap" - SOP- Mechanical Engineering MS-->PhD [2]

Don't capitalize here: my High School high school...

... and apply my knowledge to real-world applications.------Right here it is a little redundant. apply---> application

My decision to pursue graduate studies in mechanical engineering is rooted in roots from my a desire to solve problems, of future, contribute to quality research, and promote education. --------I got rid of the reference to future... No need to put it in the future. Your work begins now.

Furthermore Instead of using furthermore, which has very little meaning, you can give a topic sentence that establishes this paragraph as evidence of your competence and preparedness... a topic sentence that expresses a point about the value of experience----> I have held two valuable internships/quasi-research opportunities over the course of my education at Ohio State . One of these was working in the Applied Research Division at Minster Machine, a world-wide leader in the press industry. Here I worked to ...

to become a valued faculty member at a respected research university----This is a little too general. It is better to avoid unnecessary modifiers like valuable and respected. You can say it simply, and instead of using a long sentence make it a sentence full of meaning. For example, if you name a few universities that appeal to you it will be very impressive without requiring you to use a lot of words.

I think you seem very qualified! You write well, too...

Writing Feedback / Getting message from different news resources to understand events under more objective perspective. [10]


Well, it's probably okay. I sometimes say the same things to different people, because sometimes people need the same advice I have already given.

Everyone, please keep helping me review essays on the "unanswered" list! I appreciate all your participation...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Lost in Miami" - common application essay prompt #1 help [2]

I used to be the kind of person who complains and run runs away from obstacles. I ran because I was afraid of failure and the unpleasant feeling that obstacles would bring.

But after been being through the difficulties in the three days journey, I learned the importance of ...

Starring Staring at my Nike shoes I reminded me of my all time favorite slogan - Just do it!" Yeah, why hesitated hesitate?

Things would will not get better if I do not put any effort into making a change.

Right at when I first glanced at Gab, I could tell there is was something special about him.

I like this sentence: It was a gifted gift from God for me to discover and redefine myself.

Whenever I'm in trouble or have to face any obstacles I reminded remind myself the dazzling smile of Gab and his courageous spirit.

Practice every sentence above 10 times. Practice typing each 10 times, and you will get the habit of good grammar.

:-)

Graduate / "the field of law" - What are you trying to achieve UC PROMPT 1 [2]

My parent's, however, wish that I choose my own path and discovered discover my own opportunities.

Use a hyphen: twelve year-old ...

This is just an idea, but I don't know if you'll like it:
At school I took a leap of faith by applying and I applied for a position as ...

You should give a sentence or two about the reasons law appeals to you and what you intend to do. It is nice that you want to help others achieve justice, but you should be more specific and talk about the specializations that interest you, law issues that you want to learn more about, etc.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The first to study in the United States" + "studying in Hong-Kong" - 2 UCs [5]

This is a good place to use the word various:
...are giving up on their school due to different various problems.

He was graduated in from the University of Toronto, which is a famous university. in the world.

In l Last summer, he went back to Hong Kong to work.

...always reminded me to stick to my dreams and become an Engineer.
I like the first essay a lot! Great theme!

Here in the second essay, you have a confusing sentence:
He said "A problem is just like a box of a puzzle that is not opened. You will find all the parts of the puzzle which can solve the problem, just as you will in life."----do you mean to refer to a box that the puzzle is in when you buy the puzzle at the store? And how does the puzzle help you solve a problem?

The puzzle theme is great, but I think you should revise that unclear sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cross-country running, "practice makes perfect" is not true - about myself [4]

It calls to attention that in this moment, like many other moments in life, I must overcome pain and struggle in order to achieve success and reward in the end. ----this is a well written sentence. I wonder whether the voices are metaphorical or if you actually hear them...

This is similar to the non-running world because a person must, no matter the subject he is applying himself to, gain strength through practice and multiple different contributions of hard work in order to gain success.

She or he The must be willing to sacrifice an immense

The last paragraph is nice...
But in the middle it seems to go on for a long, long time about the discipline that running requires. It is better if you can add a SECOND dimension to the essay's main theme... or... add a second theme. Make it so that the essay takes on a whole new dimension because you incorporate your main goal for the future as a secondary theme.

What does the essay become if you write about both cross country discipline and your career of interest?

Writing Feedback / The Effects of Love (A Cause/Effect Paper) [2]


Eighteen years old is not too old for any kind of love, puppy or otherwise. After all, "puppy love" and "crush" just refer to attraction experienced by an immature person. If you are older and more mature, it is not just a crush. It is ordinary attraction.

...there are a number of symptoms of love that follow a simple, daily pattern and that can be observed once you know how to recognize the effects of love. (So, is this the main idea of the essay? Yes, as I continue to read I see that it is. Good thesis statement!)

Wow, very good writing here: When a girl is in love, morning for her arrives just a little too quickly.

Google this: imagery words list
Try to use more imagery words.

The ending of this is great, and it is high quality writing throughout. But does it fulfill the requirements of the assignment? If you have particular criteria to fulfill, you should carefully put the elements in place. For example, google this:

cause effect essay

See if your essay has all the elements recommended. It is good writing, but I wonder if it fulfills the assignment requirements.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Strict But Loving Father" UC Prompt #1 [4]

It was not until I reached High School high school that I realized the importance of his actions.

His love for me was not superficial but a love that guided me to this point. ---Not clear. I don't understand!

This is well-written! I think it will be better if you include more specific examples of how he taught you about the importance of hard work and determination --- what did he do? And how does it relate to your chosen career?

...and learn what makes the world go around. I think you can be more specific here... the essay will be better if you think of 3 specific goals for the next 5 years, and keep them in mind as you revise the essay. Don't just learn what makes the world go round. Near the beginning and end of the essay, mention your specific goals.

:-)

Undergraduate / Transparency for School Funding - UT Application Essay 2 (An Issue of Importance) [4]

Rubberman is right... Community and money is are...

Same problem here:
Schools are one schools are plural...
Schools are represent one...

Schools use the money for everything from paying salaries to maintaining facilities, and everything in between. Do not state the obvious. Only include sentences that help to make your point.

Add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, and make it a sentence that tells the reader clearly what issue you are discussing in the essay. If you add one more sentence to reinforce the point, the reader will feel certain that she knows how to interpret what you are saying.

To me schools are one of the most important things institutions, because they...

:-)

Undergraduate / (top engineering school + good atmosphere) Why The Ohio State University? [2]


This sentence serves no purpose. All it does is establish you as perhaps less deserving than a student who has been planning for many years to enter a particular field.

I think you should begin your essay here:
I realized that engineering was the perfect field for me. It combined my passion for math and science, applied it to the real world, and was also so diverse that I was sure to find a field that fit me. With this in mind I took classes that were directed towards...

Omit everything that comes before this part.

And after this part, find at least 1 or 2 examples of characteristics that make this school a better choice for you than other schools. This essay makes you seem too thoughtless... as though you just happen upon a career and a college. Show them the critical thinking you used to choose a college. How does this school compare to your second-choice school?

:-)

Essays / Cynthia (Counselors); a description of a person for a profile paper [2]

Use commas to separate adjectives when there are more than one:
She wore dark, thick, rimmed glasses that ...

tie-dyed rice pack

A topic associated with the subject of counseling is conflict resolution. Another one is cognitive therapy. Another one is substance abuse.

I'm not sure I correctly understand your question... you are writing about a particular counselor, and I like the description you used. Do you have any questions about the assignment? I'll help if I can.