Undergraduate / "resources available in the College of arts and sciences" -Cornell [5]


You have some redundant words here... it might be better not to include "always," because you used "since."

If you make the whole first para all about liking to learn new things and research them, etc., then it is really a theme that anyone could use... anyone could claim to have this energy for learning... but you can distinguish yourself if you make the first para focus on astronomy, not the theme of liking to learn new things.

I like the anecdote about middle school!

But this should be replaced: Earlier I mentioned my interest in learning new things, my proverbial "thirst for knowledge". I believe this is why I appreciate astronomy so much. All this stuff... it adds nothing new to the essay. For every para you write, make sure the reader has a distinct experience. How about replacing it with some references to serious articles and books you have recently read about astronomy...

:-)

Grammar, Usage / use number or write it out? one sentence. [3]

The rules of style change depending on which set of style guidelines you use -- MLA, Chicago, APA, etc...
Recently the American Psychological Association released the 10th edition of the APA style guide book, and one of the changes was this: All numbers 10 and below should be written as words (like Varchas suggests above), and numbers above should be written as numerals.

APA used to recommend that numbers twenty and below should be written as words, but now they changed it to ten.

:-)

Research Papers / Athletes and drug abuse - thesis statement needed [3]

I think it is best to write the thesis statement AFTER you have written a few paragraphs about your selected articles.

When you read an article, write a paragraph about the message it sends.
When you read another article, do the same.

Soon, you will notice your own unique message (thesis statement). But with this particular project, you have a strange requirement: to write about both recreational and performance enhancing drugs... these raise entirely different moral questions.

What does an athlete's use of rec. drugs have in common with her use of performance enhancing drugs?

Undergraduate / Artist in court-Commonapp-150 words of EC [4]

product performed the prelude of an impromptu .---this part seems like trying too hard to get the alliteration!

You are talented, though, for sure! This is good stuff.

I recommend doing one paragraph for 'artist' and another paragraph for 'musician.' Otherwise, it seems a little chaotic. Chaotic in a good way, though!

One last idea... on the court instead of "in" the court.

Undergraduate / "Dawn in the midnight" - Topic of your choice-Commonapp-Main Essay [2]

I don't understand this part:

Not far away from them, I stood quietly with my friends-also Qi's.---do you mean they were also Qi's friends?

You wrote this very well... it reflects your personality, and your personality seems very cool. My only complaint is that what it amounts to is a concept you did not develop very well... "going beyond myself" and "self-improvement" are very general. If you traveled far to ask a wise person where your faith should be, and she said, "Self-improvement," you would probably be disappointed with the simplicity of the answer.

The brilliant writing style can support a much stronger concept... say what you really mean... share your insight about what is important and why.

Undergraduate / "Education, school kids, classroom" - issue of importance admission [3]

Way too much use of the word throughout in that first para.

The way you wrote the first paragraph makes it seem like you have nothing new to contribute to the conversation. Every sentence is simple and obvious until you get to this interesting one:

If educating children was everyone's main priority, it would help eliminate the disorder in society.

If you reread the essay, I think you will agree that you are "stating the obvious" with every sentence until you get to this one. This sentence expresses a unique idea: reforming society by coordinating everyone's effort for a common objective, which is education. Now THIS is a good, interesting concept.

But do not allow yourself to state the obvious If more people were to be educated, the world would be a much better place.

:-)

Undergraduate / My experience with art and architecture. -UTAustin Admission [3]


These first two sentences are sort of uninteresting. They are bland, I guess.

This is bland, too: from astronomy to biology and almost everything in between...when you say something so broad, it becomes something anyone could say. Anyone could say that, and it would be generally true.

typo: incorporated may personal interests.

The rest of the essay is very impressive and full of good examples... I just think you should revise the intro. You might want to ask yourself, "What is the message I want the reader to remember after finishing the essay?" Give that message succinctly at the beginning and also at the end of the essay.

:-)

Poetry / "totally like whatever you know" and "a mending wall" - compare/contrast poems [2]

Hi Josh, if you make a post like this asking for help, you should show a little effort by describing each of them a little bit. Otherwise, it seems like you are just trying to have other people write the thing for you.

If you real about the themes of each of these, I bet you can find some common thread. If you compare and contrast, it sometimes is easiest to tell everything you know about one, and then tel everything you know about the other. When you have done that, you'll know what to do next.

:-)

Undergraduate / "When learning don't take the easy path" - Your reasons for transferring, etc. [4]

This is well written, and it definitely will impress the reader, but it lacks focus because you do not establish a cause. You stay very vague... and the impression you make is that of a serious student without a cause...

Giving back to the community is god, but it is too broad. You can zero in on your specific intentions. The years roll by quickly, so if you are going to make a big splash in the community in these coming years you need to make a plan. What is your plan for getting the kind of education that will enable you to best contribute? This essay is a great arrow, but it needs an arrowhead. It needs a point that identifies you, a specific intention. Otherwise, it is too general. If you have given serious thought to a career in medicine, you probably have areas of specialization in mind, and they can be your arrowhead for the essay. What are you, specifically, all about? :-)

Undergraduate / "My ravioli dilemma" - UC prompt, personal contribution, quality [8]

Yeah, Nisha, good call...

The thing is... the other people are right, too... it can seem like you are not taking it seriously... just get rid of this intro: I love ravioli. At this very moment, I am eating a bowl of delicious ravioli. How does ravioli relate to me? Are shinbones sophisticated devices meant for finding furniture in the dark? I do not know, but I would like to share with you a short story. This intro is excellent writing, just as the whole essay is.

It is good, inspired writing. You have to get used to recognizing this when it happens. Anything you write from this state of mind is precious. For example...when I was 20, I wrote.. "I see the sky, I see the earth, I am alive, what's it all worth..." and these are simple words, but they come from a special place, a special state of mind.

You tapped into something when you wrote this, and I bet you'll tap into it again lots of times.

Above, I recommend cutting the intro in order to BALANCE this with some very serious discussion of your specific goals as you enact a well-conceived plan pertaining to your professional future. Add content at the end that gets very practical, and you will have yourself a winning essay. :-) Add material at the end that makes this all about your chosen professional field and why you chose it.

Undergraduate / Dreams overcome nightmares after emigrating from China. [4]

Ever since I immigrated to the United States from China, my parents had been feeding
Above, it's better to write out the full term.

Well, I think you wrote this essay perfectly. It is so impressive that you have a clear aspiration. This essay appeals to many different people, I think, because it has different kinds of appeal... emotional, intellectual, inspirational.

If you want to make it even better, add more discussion of the current topics in anth. pertaining to Chinese culture and other topics associated with the part of the field you want to enter. Cite some articles.

:-)

Book Reports / King Lear; Lear divides his kingdom - problems with my points [6]

This is what happens when you establish the thesis BEFORE you start working. It is best to let the thesis form naturally as a result of your reading and reflection. Do not commit to some thesis that you do not know you can defend.

But actually, you can defend this one.

Just bring the focus to examples of his suffering. In any essay, if an example does not support your assertion, it is not useful or relevant. So... move on! Allow yourself to move on.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Gaming Revelation" - personal talent, quality UC 2 Prompt [3]

I have to say... it is not your fault! The virtual reality experience of a first person shooter game is ridiculously cool. How can anyone be expected not to play the game?

But I want to talk to you about ingredients in your essay. There is a difference between an essay and therapy. In therapy, you disclose everything for therapeutic purposes, but in an essay like this use only the best ingredients.

What do you want to change in the world?
What field of expertise will enable you to do that?

What are your intentions for the next 12 months? Tell us about something real. If you want to confess that you played too many video games, do it in another context... not in this essay. :-) You can write about your plan, and all that you have to contribute.

Essays / The importance of opening paragraphs of a short story essay, how to start it? [10]

one essay = one big idea

When you start to write, let that idea be at the forefront of your mind... right between your eyebrows.

:-)

theme, mood, and conflict... these are the key words.
How about a scene that demonstrates the theme? How about describing some scene that brilliantly portrays the message you are trying to send, the truth you want to express?

Undergraduate / "One patient made an impact on me" - UT: Issue of Importance to You [3]


This is a great sentence!

I think the essay is a success. You did not go into much detail about the controversy surrounding the health care issue, but instead focused on the woman without health insurance. This is a pretty solid essay. If you have time., do some more research, and I think you can make 2 or 3 more interesting points within the essay -- points based on what you read. That is the way to fill an essay with meaning.

:-)

Scholarship / My interest in Science that is constantly expanding - interest in science essay [4]

hi Holli,
Sorry it took a long time to get a reply.

I read your essay, and it looks like the essay of a brilliant biologist. You are going to contribute very well to your field, I think!

When you write an essay about your intentions, I hope you will share your current ideas about what direction you might go in your chosen field. For example, do not write this:

I am the kind of person who wants to know all of the new things. I am interested in science because it is by far the most exciting thing to learn about.

Instead, write about your specific aspirations. You can just read a few current articles to see what is going on right now in the areas of bio that interest you, and write about what YOU want to do.

:-) thanks for participating! Sorry I'm late!

:-)

Undergraduate / Being a tree huger. Cornell transfer paper [4]

Fourty forty-one: one. That is the ratio of future doctors to future field researchers...

Napping on a grassy hill triggers a unique happiness. ---kevin stands up and claps his hands to celebrate an excellently written sentence...

I would get rid of the 2nd "a" though

triggers a unique ...

In this situation, use a semi-colon:
These changes have occurred; however the...

This is passive voice: Calculus will be taken in the summer before transferring. ---google around to learn about passive verses active voice.

Courses like environmental psychology and organic chemistry will also strengthen my understanding of the plant science courses.----alright, but what does it all add up to?What is your plan? :-)

Undergraduate / Wake-up is at 8 not 5:45, all because of the school - issue of importance [3]


I'm really impressed with your work lately explodingdonut, thanks for making essayforum a better place!

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

I myself, a At times, I have been challenged to stay awake during class even though I had gone to sleep at 9:00 PM.

I think this ssay is weakened by the unrealistic ideal of 9.25 hours of sleep,,,does anyone really sleep that much?

Hmmm... Well, I do find the essay interesting... but the premise is all about letting kids sleep longer. It does not reflect your diligence as a student. :-)

Research Papers / Help with Academic Presentation on technical writing [3]

I am supposed to give an academic presentation on technical writing.

You need to find one good source that will guide you! Find a good article about technical writing, and type a paragraph about it's main themes.

That is how to get started.

Writing about articles you read is just a way of interacting with the material... just read and write, read and write.

What can you tell me about technical writing?
Tell me about the articles you have found. That is the way to begin. This is just academic discourse, and when you start to enjoy it you will do very well!!

:-)

Research Papers / Thesis + Arguments for research paper on Obedience / Need help ! [4]

hello friend, this is great topic. I think you should start by reading thoreau's "civil disobedience."

The difficulty comes from the topic's ambiguity.Obedience can be good or bad, depending on what is happening. You need a scenario to help you.

It will also be good if you read aout john locke's work about the purpose of government. The thing is... we need to be obedient when government is just and effective!

:-)

Graduate / Policy questions, On-the-Job training, PRGS and PhD in policy analysis - 3 essays [4]

Stuff to fill in the essay? No, the driving force behind an essay should be an idea worth writing about. If you have no idea worth writing about, it is you who should shut up. Come up with an idea first, and then maybe we can help you.

But because you were rude to one of our most active members right here, I am not of a mind to help you until I see you help a few young essayists or English language learners. Maybe you'll redeem yourself!

:-)

Speeches / A 3-minute speech about Myself [8]

first google this: how to write a speech

Is the teacher asking you to follow a particular procedure?
If you are giving a speech, keep the audience in mind. What will win their interest? What topic?

You have to make a connection between what is special about you and what is special about the occasion, audience, or situation.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Life is a horse race," a story from your life - UW Essay [2]


hahaha, your way of explaining this put a smile on my face. Good job!! And tell your dad he did a good job, too! ;-)

I completely overanalyzed it. ---hahah, you are cool. Well, I like all the introspection... your introspection really is impressive, and it is cool that you are trying to experience a healthy kind of existence. But what does this all add up to? What have you decided to do? I feel that this is a great attitude you establish, but it has no action, no intention. Let's point an arrow to the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / How an autistic brother has changed my outlook on other people. (UC Essay Prompt 1) [2]

If you simply state that you learned a lot by having to take care of an autistic brother, the reader will appreciate your meaning. The reader already has mental associations about this subject... so the reader will not be very receptive to your explanation. She thinks she already knows! Therefore, I suggest condensing this whole thing into about 4 sentences, and then use the rest of the space to tell something about YOUR personal philosophy and life-intentions... your aspirations.

Let the reader get excited about sending you along your path toward making a big contribution in the world. Get specific! :-)

Undergraduate / "How being homeschooled has given me self-motivation" -UC prompt [4]

Now that you began with a theme of tenacity, I will look to see if it is continued throughout the essay...

Here is a place where you can omit the word "that"
I thought that I wouldn't be as ...

I was almost always alone at home---that sounds terrible!

College is very similar to this---good point!!

I firmly believe that no one is incapable of achieving or understanding something. ---when you write this, it makes me wonder why you are introducing a new theme... what does it have to do with that einstein intro...

Need a period:
... take you so far Things do not...

Every genius is only a genius because he or she has worked hard, or took the time to think about a problem without asking questions whenever they got stuck. This is the kind of person I am. ...I don't think this is good enough as your theme. You can add a new dimension to it and talk about what is important to you... what is so important to you that you work so hard? What are you preparing for?

:-)

Undergraduate / "interested in Computer Engineering" - Drexel Essay. [3]

I have never given it many thoughts before; however, when I sat down in front of my computer to write this essay, the reasons leapt right into my head as fast as a speeding bullet. I like this introduction, but I don't think you should include it. It is better to boldly tell them the reasons why you choose this as your path, and tell them you have given it a lot of thought.

In our technology demanding world, computer is one of the most important instruments. Do not state the obvious.

It helps link the world together by communication and provide quick information and news, whether from how to make pancakes or to how to build a miniature airplane . Do not state the obvious.

When I was eleven years old, my first computer broke, so I went to my uncle, an electronic repairer, to get my computer fix. I saw him open apart my desktop computer. With a few minutes to analyze, he found the problem. It was my cooler that has stopped working because it was burnt. As he replaces replaced the fan and some other parts, he briefly described to me every computer parts part and its function. You wouldn't believe how fast I learned it. From that day on, I spent ...

I like the story, but I hope you will tell the reader about some articles you have been reading, some current developments in the field of comp. sci. and your particular areas of interest and specialization. Tell us all about what YOU are going to do NOW that you are entering the field :-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Diversity in a homogenous town) [3]

I would like to simplify this part and also avoid ending the sentence with a preposition ("in" is a preposition)
have been making strides towards making the best out of the two worlds in which I live. in .

Comma:
...deeply engaged in conversation, and the

Get-togethers like this were against that and reinforced can mitigate that process and reinforce the importance of kinship within culture.

... despite its being a show for third graders.

You wrote a great essay here!! Let the kaleidoscope turn, but preserve the culture.
:-)

Undergraduate / "taking art classes" - Ai (Chicago) - Statement of Purpose (Review Requested) [2]


I think you can accomplish the same effect by discussing the way you used to lackpassion before your realization that occurred in middle school. Instead of touting your superiority over them, you can present this as superiority over your old way of thinking about art. It will carry the same meaning, but instead of comparing yourself to others you will be comparing yourself to the middle schooler you were before making this discovery about passion in art.

...tried to develop my artwork from simple sketches to complex shading, and then to ___________(Add one more phase that takes it beyond technique).

... I was finally able to find students who had a passion for art. ---I think you can keep this part, and it is great, because it shows why you are desiring you enroll in this school's program. Even though I recommend revising the intro so you are not comparing yourself to others, I think it is good to include this part...

This is great, but it would be even better if you let it express your particular approach to art... rather than talking about art in general you can talk about how your own style is developing and what it looks like.

:-)

Undergraduate / taking one course at a time - "Why I want to apply to Colorado College" [3]

...over more than ten courses simultaneously in high school, ---I added the word simultaneously because I think that is what you mean, but... did you really take 10 simultaneously??

The liberal arts education offered at Colorado College is another aspect of the College that really appealed to me.---This sentence does not actually say much... what can you do to make it more meaningful?

I think you need to write more about the engineering program, because that shows your plan for the future.

A great concept to read about online is "task switching cost." You can discuss this in reference to their block curriculum. That is indeed a great idea....

Undergraduate / "playing lacrosse" - Boston college short essay [4]

I like to play lacrosse.----This intro sentence is too simple. Make it interesting by adding some detail! :-)

It will be better if you move a sentence:
Lacrosse is a combination of almost all sports; there are aspects of soccer, hockey, basketball, and many others. I like Boston University because I like playing lacrosse; I get to have a little bit of everything. When I looked into ...

See the change I made? You can establish your theme earlier in the paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / Haitian Earthquake Common app essay [4]

Great sentence here: Teenagers my age did not know basic English words and were baffled by this foreign place (no comma necessary here) they had been sent to "learn."

... loved ones, and leaving their home country. (start a new paragraph)
...
Both my parents came from Haiti to America as...

typo?--->Steeve even had a bed.

As a student at Emory University, this part of my high school history will enable me to meet other students who (seen as smooth as that eggshell??) but whom I now know may be on their on rocky journey, and we will go on together.

I like the ending, but I got confused by that sentence... did you mean "seem?"

Undergraduate / "My grandfather" - Common app personal essay- person of influence. [3]

You need hyphens here:
My grandfather (whom I call Ye ye) is a tall, skinny-but-strong gentleman.

His hair is crisp black with specks of white strands crawling away from the groups of black center. His face is gently carved, exposing an expression ...

You write very well!!

I think this should be capitalized:
Mandarin

... leaving me in a puddle of bittersweet memories. ----again, I am impressed with the poetic style you use.

I hope one day to find a cure for to cancer so Nai nai will not die have died in vain and that millions of other patients like Nai nai can prevail.

I hope you have lots of success!! If you can find it, watch the documentary called "Food Matters" as one of the steps along your path.

Undergraduate / Corruption, chaos, hostility! (Experience, risk Personal Essay Evaluation) [4]

In winter of 2009, at the tender age of fourteen, I was exiled to a faraway , barbaric land -- a land of corruption, chaos, and hostility, a land where starvation was commonplace, and the notion of civility was entirely foreign. At least, that's...

This is a good place to use a semi-colon: The group leader grinned; I scoffed.

My peers conversed; I remained lethargic and disconnected.

My bewilderment peaked when the mission team and I arrived at the schoolhouse where we would be dispensing "aid and affection," in the words of our group leader, all week. ---I see that you have real mastery of composition, (sentence structure, etc.)... I bet you must read a lot, for sure...

Maybe this should be plural:
The Nigerians' strong ...

I think youmight be able to come up with a better word than "forced" at the end... a word that is more colorful.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Why do some students still drive cars than riding a bus? (Evaluation) [2]

I'll add some commas to this sentence:
Parker's argument is much more applicable in a city with extremely good public transportation, like the Tokyo Metro, which covers 5 times the length of HTA, and has a maximum waiting time of five minutes.

Do you see where I added commas above, like after "transportation" and "Metro," as a way of separating the EXTRA phrase included in a sentence?

I can't find any mistakes! You have a great writing style.

:-)

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / "Abraham's teachings and his family": Tell us an experience that is important to you? [3]


I think you should use a word other than instinctive. If you look up what instinctive means, you'll see that it is not quite right for the sentence.

I have taken on the opportunity to try to imprint these same values onto a young second grader named Abraham by tutoring him with his weekly homework.----When I read this sentence, I am wondering what those values are.

I think you should name the values in the first sentence:
I grew up in a household that has instilled certain values and morals that have now become instinctive to me in me ________, ________, and __________.
(list three values)

:-)

Undergraduate / "A diplomatic and open-minded writer" 100 word short answer about characteristics [4]

"I have a rich background, to say the least. ----in some situation, it is okay to use a cliche to express an idea... but not here, and never "to say the least"!!! Ha ha, I am prejudiced against that phrase...

To make your writing excellent, prioritize. Strive for efficiency so that the reader does not have to work hard to get the info:
In the past couple of years, I have become a proficient writer and particularly enjoy writing short stories and poems. I have even been published in Teen Ink magazine and have written for Louie magazine. I am very involved in athletic activities. (when you say this is seems "non sequator" does-not-follow what you were just talking about... so... use a new paragraph for each topic. Well... I guess it is all related to the assertion that you have a rich background. But I think you can come up with a more interesting theme.

One of my best qualities is my receptiveness ... is it receptiveness or receptivity? I think maybe both are correct. I'm not sure...

Hey, this is really interesting! "working for a small pet-sitting company..."Cool... you could start a great business doing that I think...

:-)

Undergraduate / Between nursing and veterinary - Rutgers Admissions Essay [3]

Here is another correction:
Towards the end of my freshmen year, when the economy was at a low point and my parents were both working in at a real estate and mortgage agency, it life was tough on them.

Yes, I think Jessica might be right. You should show them that you are writing an essay about the "unique" aspects of your background that enable you to "contribute" to the environment. So... use some of the same words that they use in the prompt, and also...

use the word "diversity" to show that you are answering the prompt.

:-)

Undergraduate / "[But a] heart makes you a champion." [4]

At this point, I think you need to use the past perfect verb tense:
Joining cross country was had been a spontaneous decision. While staying home

Use the comma differently here:
I was running and with all the excitement I had, I couldn't feel anything.
I was running, and with all the excitement I had, I couldn't feel anything.

Here, use a comma, because it is a compound sentence:
I pushed myself for almost half a mile, and my stomach was hurting much more every second I kept running.

The theme of this essay seems to be that cross country requires you to push yourself and use excellent self-discipline. I know that feeling, and I agree! But the theme is simplistic. You can go to the next level with this essay. Explain cross country in the intro paragraph and let this concept about "racing yourself" be your starting point.

Can you imagine how great this essay will be if you sum it all up in one paragraph and let that new paragraph be the intro to an essay all about "racing against yourself" in all aspects of life?

The essay is great already, but I think you can dig a little deeper with the great concept you introduced, racing yourself.

:-)

Graduate / "The components of medicine" - Personal Statement - Medical School [3]

Here is a place where I want to move a comma:
This was my earliest hospital experience, and although still a child I became interested in science.

... my child self considered it a trophy of sorts. ----cool! This is a great sentence.

You can use " " marks here:
... the process of communication was identical. "Owwie," "Booboo," and physical imitations are used to describe ...

....not only given me a broader appreciation for all the components upon which medicine is based upon, it but also reinforces has also reinforced my desire to be a doctor. I believe that my experiences in exploring different various aspects of science and basic medicine has have made ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Is it OK to write about failures and changes? - UC (Listen to Silence) [6]

Wilson pointed to the book far right---I don't understand what you mean here.

... murmuring some words that I spent ten minutes but still couldn't make up out.

I left and slammed the door. I missed my dinner, again. I don't think you should write that you lost your patience with the autistic kid! :-) Just leave that part out.

...the hardest jigsaw puzzle I'd ever met. It's IMPOSSIBLE. Scientifically speaking, Do not write this, because you are not scientifically speaking... you are metaphorically speaking when you say: his mind jumped each time he talked, from somewhere I didn't know to somewhere else I would never know. Considering the chaos of his brain, I quitted struggles many times and failed many times.

Wilson is now a past experience for me; however, who is not Wilson?-
building a wall, emanating an aura of "silence" and waiting for others to understand his ...

Nice! Yes, we are all Wilson...