Writing Feedback / CANADIAN History: Defining Moment on D-Day in WW2. [2]


The strategic planners in the military had assigned a major task to Canada; to take control over "Juno" beach.



Canadians fought through intense gunfire, but stormed gun positions while advancing into inland.
Good writing... Enjoyed reading :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should players be payed highly or not? [6]

Okkkkk... here I'm ;)


...."acknowledge" is a good key word to use here; it means accept or admit the existence or truth of.


.... have a re-look at your prompt. It talks about the sports professionals who are highly paid and it asks whether it is justifiable. However, you have not mentioned anything about that. Make sure you clearly introduce the prompt to the reader before you finish your introduction. It's very important that you fall into the right track and keep a good alignment with your prompt throughout your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - COMPARISON of three types of media (advantages & disadvantages) [2]



... you gain knowledge and gather information. The last part sounds a bit too exaggerated and also irrelevant.
You limit the scope of media to be a source of information only. How about entertainment? Books, radio, television - all these are good sources of entertainment too....


.... allowing the audience to be informed about latest news much faster.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Advantages and disadvantages of students working or travelling during gap year [5]


Now a days it is very common for young people to have a break after high school graduation until they begin their university career.


... this sounds as if you are going a little out of topic. The topic is about;

....you are supposed to talk about advantages and disadvantages of this trend and you better focus more on that

Research Papers / The Dark Side of Your Most Needed Privilege (Negatives of Technology) / RESEARCH [3]


Our society has been subjected to constant changes that were caused by technological advancements over the past years.


... I wish you asked this question a bit differently;
Can anyone imagine a life without modern technological devices and appliances?


Recent bombing attack in Boston claimed that the Internet had been the source that provided the bombers with necessary information and guidance as how to make those bombs.

Writing Feedback / Young people nowadays do not give enough time to helping their communites.TOEFL ESSAY [7]

You have a great potential to improve your writing skills and go for what ever score you wish :) .... I did TOEFL and managed to secure a very good score by following this essay structure.

Essays / "A Relatively Good Idea"; Rhetorical Analysis/Advertisement using Pathos,Ethos& Logos [2]


....great :D


The ad uses ethos by using Albert Einstein as its character of focus. Einstein is well known as one of the smartest people ever lived and this makes him an excellent choice for this ad's mascot.


The ad uses pathos by highlighting Einstein's theory of relativity through a tattoo on his arm. The ad uses this extremely popular mathematical equation as a tool to bond the subject.

Research Papers / My Research Paper on Juvenile Justice. [3]


... restrict or prohibit?
Every state in our country has laws in place to restrict children from voting, serving on juries and buying alcohol. All these laws recognize that children do not possess enough maturity in emotional and mental capacity in order to make prudent decisions in these areas as the adults do.

Book Reports / To Kill A Mockingbird Essay- Jem's Journey to Adulthood [2]


....pay attention to punctuation



In this time of history in which prejudice had its dominance, Jem together with his sister and friend Dill go through various hardships, many of which demonstrate how Jem grows up into a young man.


.... and was not much concerned about the outcome of his actions.

Writing Feedback / Biography Writing about Geoffrey Rush [3]


He acted in several movies during his movie career.


He used to live with his parents in Toowoomba, which is a beautiful town that is about one hour away from Brisbane city center. As a child, Geoffrey Rush was ever ready to dress himself up and act.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING :What is importance of new types of media ? [3]


Some people believe that new forms of media have a positive influence on society while others claim that they create more pains than gains.


In this essay, I intend to analyze both advantages and disadvantages of new types of media.


First, modern media forms are capable of providing lots of information that people require on regular basis.

Writing Feedback / mother tongue threat; its better that children begin to learn a foreign language [6]


Well... I have not done IELTS so that I have no idea as to how much you can score here... But I can see you have good writing skills and you have enough potential to get your desired band, and may be even more.

This is the essay structure I recommend for this task;
INTRODUCTION; Introduce your topic to the reader and state your opinion
BODY PARA 1; Your first reason to hold that opinion + One specific example to support that opinion
BODY PARA 2: Your second reason + example
CONCLUSION; Sum up everything that you said above and reinstate your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Describe a person from your past you would like to see again, and explain why [2]


... Well... I feel you have not introduced your friend enough in this paragraph. Tell the reader about her background more. This is what I suggest;

My friend Katsuko is a Japanese girl whom I met when I was working at KPMG Russia several years ago. She was sent to our department from the New York Head Office on an assignment dealing with services for mergers and acquisitions. She and I were sitting next to each other and therefore we formed a strong friendship very soon. She is also about my age and ???????? (Tell a little more about her)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Why do you think people attend School or University. Give some reasons. [4]


.... This is not a strong sentence to open your essay. I think you better start with the next line


... This has several grammatical errors. Also, I don't get why you had fast learning and authenticity of knowledge as two reasons... For me, they don't seem to be strong reasons. There are more obvious reasons such as gaining credentials, preparing for future careers, networking opportunities etc.

Writing Feedback / mother tongue threat; its better that children begin to learn a foreign language [6]


.... tell why they recommend so;
In this competitive society, many educationalists recommend that children should begin learning a foregin language at primary school itself in order to be prepared to take up future challenges.


.... this sounds a bit irrelevant. Why you mention about the places that teach foreign language? Your essay topic is about learning English from primary school level and it does not talk about other institutions. Always maintain your alignment with the topic throughout your essay.

Writing Feedback / Should voluntary community service be compulsory? [7]


.... say why it should be given priority, otherwise it sounds vague;
In the globalized world, educationalists and experts believe that voluntary activities have an important role to play in students' development and should be given priority in high school education programs.


... First, why you specify "parents and students" ? There can be more people who are not students or parents who do not approve this idea. So, leave it more general and do not specify. Also, the second part is very confusing. What do you try to mean?

However, some sections in society do not support this view and believe they do not positively contribute to students' progress.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING : students should be encouraged to evaluate and criticise their teacher [5]

....very good introduction :)


... Well, this example is not given for your main reason, but it supports only an additional point you mentioned in your para. Your main reason is that this policy helps enhance teachers' performance. Give an example (specific one) for this point.

You write very well and with more practice you can go for a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; The 21st century has begun.What change do you think? [2]


... For this TOEFL task, you need to first introduce the topic to the reader. This should not sound like a direct response to your prompt. This is independent essay writing task and hence it should follow the features of an essay. Assume the reader does not know anything about your topic and introduce the topic to him. You can get lots of help from the prompt, but do not copy it one to one. Present it differently;

Today we live in the 21st century and, without any doubt, this century would make a leap forward in technological advancement.


...."peoples" is wrong. The correct word is "people" which means a collection of individuals. So it is already a plural word and there is no necessity for having an "s" at the end to make it plural.

Graduate / Why do you want to be an abc NGO Fellow? What do you hope to learn from the program? [3]

After being nearly two years in a software development company, I felt I should work for betterment of people and hence moved into the NGO world.


It was very challenging at the start. I had to cope with thousands of people in need. This was not an easy task and one must be capable of delivering services under strenuous conditions.


This is why I chose ABC Fellow program that has the capability to equip me with all skills that I require to effectively render my services.

Letters / Complaint Letter about science Teacher--Looking for possible editing/feedback [3]


^^^^^^ High School has a good reputation for its excellent academic curriculum and highly competent and professional teaching staff.


The teachers provide excellent guidance while creating sound learning environments to the students.


This letter does not reflect the opinion of just one student in particular, but all seventeen students of ^^^^^^^ two classes.



This letter is written with the intention of officially lodging a complaint about the events that took place and certainly not with the intention of damaging the career of the said teacher.

Essays / Critique on philosophy essay regarding Western vs African medicine [3]


The following paragraphs are intended to discuss the main differences of Western and African perspectives on health in terms of their treatment choices, views on human body and definitions of health.


By definition, Western medicine is based on drugs and surgery to treat symptoms.


.... Yes, manjot is correct. It is too short and better expand it a bit more with the highlights of the above paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; How Television impact on cultural development? [3]


boom of television? or the boom of television viewers?


... As for me, it has damaging effects on culture. .... I too agree with you. It has done a great damage to the culture of my country already. :(


.... this sentence is too long dear. Make it shorter and then your ideas would flow better.


.... this is again sounds pretty confusing. You better re-phrase this line.


... if you say "justified", then it means that such impacts are ok. I think that is not what you wish to express.

Undergraduate / I am a fast learner; Peace Corps Essay 1 [5]


This is good... I wish you try to elaborate the real situation (talk through your experience) rather than stating it. For example;
During my service-learning program I was faced with many challenges; I had to learn above the basics of a new language, to work closely with the community while engaging in several projects and to teach English at a local secondary school having no previous teaching experience. The most challenging factor was that I had to manage all these tasks in a very short period of time.

I guess this approach is more convincing than just making statements.

Writing Feedback / IELTS. Can men and women perform the same jobs? [6]


... hey... too many spelling mistakes... be careful with this tendency because that would affect your score. You can write well and try to take advantage of it :)


... this is about jobs and therefore you've got to be specific about it;
Many people think that gender difference plays an important role in certain professions.


.... well, it is not about the physical strength. In fact men are stronger than women physically. But it is the nature of women. Women have less ego, better at communicating, understands others' feelings better. Men on the other hand are stronger in physical strength, more task oriented, less talkative etc.

Writing Feedback / IETLS;What are the causes & solutions for decreasing quality of life in large cities? [2]

Hi,
First, I request you to post your IELTS essays under "Writing Feedback" forum. You need to select it right. Also, you should type a meaningful subject which is unique and descriptive topic for your essay. These are forum rules and you need to follow them if you wish to receive good feed backs.

Okkkkkkk... let's have a look at your essay :)


... well your topic is focused on quality of life in cities. This means the quality of life of city dwellers. You need to pay lots of attention to the prompt and align your response to what it asks.


... I changed the punctuation....
Anyway, I feel your essay is not aligned with the prompt and it's worth re-doing it.

Essays / The only way to die is by the death penalty? [2]


Unfortunately disputes happen and agreements break. .... I feel this rhymes better :)


As a result, the laws have been introduced in hope of managing and ensuring that complicated human behaviors and interactions between each other would not disturb peace and harmony of human societies. These laws had been subjected to constant development and revision as the human race evolved.


... collective government? .... sounds a bit confusing :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Using gap year for travel or working is good or bad? [7]


.... not grammatically incorrect. However, it sounds a bit crowded with too many words;
Nowadays, the gap year is a very common trend that students use to travel or work for one year after finishing high school.


.... this sounds too close to what the prompt suggests. You better present the same idea differently;
Although this trend gives students useful choices, it has a negative side too.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, The radio service disappear in few years. [2]


... good introduction :)


Admittedly, many people have abandoned radio as a source of entertainment due to the availability of other popular options such as internet, Television etc.


.... the logic of your argument is not very clear to me here. Also, don't have the tenses mixed up.
Pay attention to clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / It's a good idea to allow students take a long break in order to work or travel [3]


.... Good introduction of your topic


... broadening their perspectives .... It's good to use the key word "perspective" for this idea because it is their perceptions about things that are influenced by such exposures.


... why don't you say this more directly. Then it would sound more interesting and comprehensible;
Earning some extra money would certainly help students with meeting a part of their expenses such as their food and lodging costs.

Writing Feedback / Why should we prefer English language over other language? [7]


.... animals too have their own forms of communication that are close to languages.
Human languages are a very advance form of communication and this feature also distinguishes humans from other animals.


A language take a longer period to develop and it is subject to continuous change with time. Almost every nation, tribe, community have their own languages or at least dialects.

I think you have missed out an important point here. Language is a combination of speaking, writing, reading and listening.

Writing Feedback / Problems created by widespread use of the Internet [3]


... this line sounds too crowded with too many key words. It is pretty lengthy too ... Clarity is more important than anything else and therefore, I suggest you to construct simple interesting sentences.


.... couples of benefits? What do you mean?


First, spending lots of time for surfing on the Internet has now become a societal issue

Writing Feedback / Should voluntary plastic surgery be banned? [4]


... Yes, it's well written and very informative.... good job!


If someone had congenital defects or severe injuries especially on face and limbs


.... I don't get this cleraly :(


... this too.... this needs to be rephrase to convey your idea clearly to the reader.


person accepts/ persons accept

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: "Haste makes waste" do you agree with the statement or not ? [4]


.... RedFire is right. You need to assume that reader does not know anything about your prompt. So, you need to introduce the topic to the reader first and then state your opinion. RedFire's given you a real good feed back!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - People are now able to overcome long distances in a short amount of time [3]


First, people are now able to travel very long distances within short time and this has brought in many advantages to their lives.


For example, let's consider relationships.


Many people are now able to tackle geographical barriers in their relationships thanks to their private automobiles that enable them paying regular visits to their loved ones more conveniently.

Essays / Sports have been a part of our culture [4]


Sports have always been a part of culture since ancient times and sports champions are always highly respected.


However, some types of performance enhancing drugs are legal.



.... plural sounds better!
Good writing :)

Undergraduate / I am a fast learner; Peace Corps Essay 1 [5]


I think you can present this idea more strongly... I don't want to suggest a line for you because you have a good writing skill and I do not want to mess it up :D


I feel it is better if you exhibit your character through your past achievements, experiences etc. rather than just stating them. That way, you'll be able to convince them better and they would come to know your personality better.

Good writing and Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Is life better when lived in a small town? [5]


I believe life is better when it is lived in a small town instead of a city.


....excellent point :) ....yes, cities are pretty expensive places to live :)
First, I think living in a small town is very cost effective because living there is a lot cheaper than living in a city. Therefore, we can save more money when we live in a small town.


Sum up everything you said earlier in your conclusion;
To sum up, living in a small town requires a lower of cost of living while helping its people to have stronger relationships. Therefore, in my view, small town helps a person to have a happy and contented life compared to the fast life in a big city.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Economic growth Vs Environmental Concerns - Which is more important for a Gvt? [3]


You tend to have this problem again - CAPITAL LETTER :D and seriously, you may lose marks at the exams too if you don't pay attention to this issue.

I'm giving you comments only for the lines you started with capital letters ;)


.... you cannot use sms language in a serious essay ... the right word is "because".
government ignores / government ignore\
..., but in the long run, the country may have disastrous effects due to deteriorated environmental conditions.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Should we be completely honest with the friends? [6]

Well .... post this essay again in the same thread with each sentence starting with a capital letter. That's one among the first few lessons we learn in English; You start a new sentence with a capital letter ;)

No... I don't think your grammar is horrible...It's just that we don't get any motivation to read your essay because it looks pretty messy and we need to pay lots of attention to identify new sentences. Please post it again here in the same thread and I'll have a look at it again :D

Writing Feedback / Some people think change is good, other not. Explain both points. [4]


.... this is not expressed clearly
I am a person who welcomes change because the change is inevitable.


.... Your topic speaks of "change" in a broader sense. It does not refer to "work" specifically. So, you too talk about change in that broad range. It can be work, life-style, place you live, people whom you associate etc. This is what I suggest for the above sentence;

We all feel bored when we repeat the same thing over and over again. It is always better to look forward to a change in life.