Undergraduate / Utilizing critical thinking skills to resolve an issue [3]

Well, you obviously write well, and I don't see any errors. One idea I have for you is that you should invest a whole paragraph in that conclusion. When you discover that it is a stronger detergent that is the answer, that is something that deserves a paragraph of its own. Also, what are the implications of this finding? Do you think this improved your intuition about research?

:-) Most importantly, I always recommend that people should write as though they are acting according to a plan for their next 2 years, a very specific plan with several goals and deadlines for achieving them. That is how to impress a reader with this kind of essay.

Book Reports / How to describe graphs in an oral presentation? [3]

Start by saying something about one of the charts:
Chart number one shows the amount of American newspapers that were circulated in the years between 1940 and 2010, and it also shows projected newspaper circulation for the years between 2010 and 2025.

Now it's your turn. Say something else about chart number one. This tests your ability to look at the chart and make observations. What can you observe?

Then, do the same for the next chart.

Finally, think about both charts together than make an observation about what you notice when you consider them in relation to one another.

I hope that helps!!

Undergraduate / "my classes were no longer difficult" - 250 word essays on academic performance [8]

You write well. Refine it by taking out unhelpful parts and adding substance, meaning.

afraid of the transition from junior high school to high school. I began to take pre-law classes that will would help me determine whether I wanted to become a lawyer.

Also, what is this about: I am not good at obtaining facts, especially dates, don't say that... say it any other way.

When my report card came I was surprised and pleased to see a 100.----The essay has good specific examples, but I think the ending could be better. In addition to saying you got a 100, you can express the significance of this success for your future plans.

:-)

Undergraduate / "maybe basketball wasn't for me" - MIT Challenge/Adversity Essay [3]

I had been cut and left out to dry, like laundry or an unwanted puppy.----et laundry works with this simile, but not the puppy, unless what you are referring to is some gruesome puppy execution.

Here is another phrase that is not quite right: cross country flows through my bones.

I think you are able to do better with this: because I refused to be crippled or cast down, I was able to bounce back.----Instead of making it a simple theme of perseverance, you can dig a little deeper and come out with something totally unique and unexpected.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I am drawn to physics" - Common Application Essay [4]

Hyphen: ...four year-old

I had managed to completely disassemble ...----oh, it's another essay about how someone has been taking things apart since a young age. I'm sorry to be critical, but this is overused. You write very well, but I have to say this is the most common approach, one I see all the time.

baking soda and vinegar volcanoes from the elementary school science fair. ..---It will be better if you focus on more sophisticated topics from more recent years, now that you are older.

I am drawn to physics because it offers explanations about how everything around me works.-----You already established that you like to know how things work.

Use a comma: "Thank god we don't have to do those problems, " is what I'm sure most of my classmates would...

You have a nice way of writing, but I want to hear more about your intentions as someone with several specific goals for the next year or two.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my educational desire to answer what I don't know" - Early Decision to Brown [3]

Well, I see some self-expression in the theme of "educational desire." Still, it's very general. Also, This seems strange: "beginning to realize and comprehend all that I don't know. " It seems like a contradiction to say you realize and comprehend what you don't know.

Capitalize Internet.

Like Susan mentioned, it would be great if you could use this opportunity to express a little about you -- your aspirations and intentions.

Undergraduate / "Building is my passion" - Penn supplemental essay - Is it specific enough? [3]

Building has always been a passion of mine. ----It's too common to start by saying "XXX has always been my interest," or "I have wanted to be a YYYYY since I was ..." ---This is just too common. It would be great to start with a sentence that expresses an unexpected idea or insight about building.

Here is another sentence that you could use in a better way. Add a word or change a word, and you are able to express this in a much more interesting way: At the same time, I realize that athletics are an equally important aspect of my studies.

At the University of Pennsylvania, I see a great opportunity for myself to excel in both of these areas. ----you should name specific opportunities associated with resources or programs at the school.

Outside of academics, athletics play a major role in my daily life. I believe that sports are an important supplement to school work because they stimulate . ..------to improve the essay, edit out all the statements of the obvious and unimportant sentences, like these. Some things are just not worth including, and the essay is better without them. 300 excellent words alone is better than 300 excellent words hidden among a lot of "filler" sentences.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have no clue who I am" - Admission Essay Topic of Choice [6]


This is a bit of a cliche, but it is useful for making your point so I think it is okay. I'm sorry I could not help in time for your deadline, but I think you are doing well!

My favorite sentence: I am a tangled mess of...

This is not a damning error, but in the future capitalize in situations like this:
I would respond, "So , I'm allowed to replace this with a prosthetic, right?" as I climbed onto the operating table.

Undergraduate / "The clock ticks" - MIT Personality Essay, thoughts, suggestions [5]

In situations When some people may falter or simply that would cause some people to abandon hope, I feel alive.

I pride myself in my ability to work well under pressure . You already established this, so it takes power out of your writing if you say it again.

When high-stress situations occur, I am able to maintain a calm composure, keep my wits about me, and remain even-tempered and serene. Again, it is time to move on and add more substance to the essay instead of repeating that idea...

When a group project's due date...---again here, I see you just making the same point in different words rather than progressing toward the next point you want to make.

Throughout the essay, you have room to give examples of times when you did successfully act under pressure... and also intentions for your future in which you might have a profession that requires this ability. :-) Just don't do anything dangerous for a living!

Undergraduate / I Can and I Will... KU Essay [3]

I'll add some commas here and make a suggestion for a small change:
I love to explore the endless possibilities of science, and I have great passion for the subject and not only am I am not only enthusiastic but I am also curious. ------It is always better when you can transmit the same idea in fewer words.

Thus, I often spend my volunteer time babysitting, or I would and I also volunteer at places such as daycares, YMCA, or and even children's hospitals.

I think this needs a little more discussion about pediatric oncology ... an interesting and topic in this essay. Also, as you follow the poem throughout the essay, the essay moves along from one idea to the next without a really strong main idea. What is the main idea of the essay? Whatever is it, express it in a sentence added to that first paragraph. Maybe you intend one of the ideas in that paragraphs as the main idea, but I think you can reinforce it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "capable of making my own decisions" - appropriate essay? it is about drugs. [7]


This is quite complicated. I understand what you mean, but it uses more words than necessary. Using a lot of words should be reserved for situations that require it. In this situation, you can say drug use is on the opposite end of a spectrum on which you stand, and mediocrity is right in the middle!

:-)

This essay could be improved with the addition of some more discussion about your aspirations, including basketball and your career aspirations. These aspirations are the reasons students stay focused, and they establish your self-discipline a matter of focus and determination.

Undergraduate / "the scientific mind of my step-father Rob" - Commonapp personal essay [5]


I think "with exactness" is not the best way to phrase the idea...

"with precision" might be better...

complete juxtaposition ---This is another item I think might need work... Maybe I am wrong, but I don't think juxtaposition means what you are trying to make it mean here...

You try to express too much in this sentence: Despite differences in their preferences and society's normal conventions, they are close friends, a lesson that has taught me more than perhaps they either could individually. --I think you should end the sentence after the word "friends" and start a new sentence... that'll improve clarity...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "The Business of being Born" essay [3]

Society has grown to believe that technology can solve all problems. The use of technology by doctors during the birth process has become extremely popular. during the birth process by use of doctors.

I find it quite amazing how that birth has become so technical. It has been portrayed as this dreadful and outlandish...

I don't think you should phrase it this way! ---> those who have never experienced birth ----we all have experiences birth!! :-) but I know what you mean,.

The problem with this is that it is obviously a book report. Revise it heavily, and with inspiration, to make it represent your college vision.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay on how you work with peers in math [3]


Above, I got rid of some unnecessary words.

I think you should change the last sentence of the first paragraph so that it does a better job of expressing that theme -- change to adapt circumstances, and circumstances include the others with whom we work.

I keep thinking about this phrase repeatedly. ----This is good, but it would be even better to think, "I can change things with my focused effort."

:-)

Undergraduate / "NIKE Baseball Camp at Jackals Stadium" - Baseball Camp [3]

...found that "babysitter" was a better title for my position. ----I like to use " " marks in a situation like this one.

...while at camp that may have prepared me for some future role. I have learned strategies to deal with children and to keep my composure in the...

I like this: oddest of situations

...in during my time at camp.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a career in music" - Berklee College of Music Undergrad essay [5]


This first sentence is nothing very unique or impressive. Use the first sentence to catch the reader's attention by saying something significant. The most important purpose of the first sentence is the make the reader stay interested.

Also, your goals at the end of the essay are not very specific... it would be great if you had a few specific goals.

Capitalize Internet. It's a proper noun.

:-)

Undergraduate / "professional journey by majoring in Civil Engineering" - Purdue admissions essay [6]

You are doing very well!
...always had this love of architecture and buildings. (Right here, add a sentence that foreshadows the conclusion of the essay... a sentence about the characteristics of the work you want to do. End this first paragraph with a sentence that lists a few specific attributes you want your work to include.

It's nice that you let the reader get a glimpse of your decision process.

To improve the essay, google this: how to write good topic sentences.

A paragraph should probably not start with a sentence like this: I didn't know the level of originality a civil engineer required. --It does not carry enough meaning. The first sentence of a paragraph should express the main idea of the paragraph, so that a 5 paragraph essay consists of 5 main ideas.

:-)

Undergraduate / Baseball - Giving Back to the Club (Critique needed) Common App [4]

...source for of support.

Less is more: I am always keeping busy by helping those who made me the player and person I am today.

:-)

Undergraduate / Brown "Everything that I do not know" essay response [4]

What don't I know is everything.---I don't know if this is quite a good enough way to express it. The abstract question they ask can have many answers, and I think 'everythinig' might be unnecessarily simplistic.

This is a cool sentence: Today I could write a nametag that said "naïve" and wear it right on my chest.

Maybe you could do this:
What I don't know is anything.
:-)

During the refreshing spring of my Junior year, I decided to take a college Physics class. I had studied Biology, Chemistry, and Mathematics before, how hard could a little Physics be? Besides that fact that the room was actually air-conditioned, I was in for a big surprise. Omit that meandering, and get right to the good sentence:

Physics undermined my entire perception of the real world. I had thought I understood how...---This is a great way to start a paragraph!

Undergraduate / "I accomplish whatever I put my mind to" - accurate school record, MSU essay topic [6]


Well, this is what everyone says. It's not good to spend too much time asserting that you are extraordinary. Instead of asserting, show your effectiveness by explaining a clear plan for the next 2 years.

Okay, I have an idea... this kind of essay must be difficult to write. I think this is a case where you should say less instead of more. It will be better if you simply state the facts but leave out sentences like these:

This decision proved to be positive for my family's financial situation however it negatively impacted my grades.

I, regrettably, was more focused on working so that I could buy nice clothes to help stop the teasing from and hopefully impress the people that I didn't too much care for.

Just give the facts and spend most of the essay discussing your own process of becoming interested in your chosen field. Everyone knows that aptitude comes from aspiration.

:-)

Undergraduate / Back to the Roots, my Common App short answer [2]

This is missing a piece. I think you need a sentence to connect the to halves of the essay. It will be your corpus collosum sentence! You need a sentence to show that your experience gave you a perspective on farming that "broadened" your idea of it. As the essay is now... I don't really know how to explain what I mean... but your experience of planting garlic in a community atmosphere does not change the fact that we have exploitation and imbalance in the industry. Your experience did not show that your perspective on the industry had been "completely off."

So... in order to make sense, I think a sentence needs to be added right in the middle of the essay... a sentence about "gaining a new perspective," rather than suggesting that your perspective had been "completely off."

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Nature of Travel" my Common App Essay [2]

Well, ask yourself what it all amounts to. To me, this amounts to a demonstration of your ability to think and write very well, so you have half the battle won already. Also, for the record I want to say I think it is a great essay already (Though I would divide the first paragraph into 2 paragraphs to easy the reader's process).

If you really want harsh criticism, I'll tell you that conceptually it only amounts to a wake-up call "I am not invincible." The same thing happened to me after a car accident. The same thing happens to everyone. Therefore, conceptually you did not accomplish much. Can you make this story a metaphor or allegory to express some truth that is fundamental to your college/ career plan?

Graduate / "my achievements in academics" - Statement of Purpose for MS in Computer Science [4]


This is the same as saying, "Let's not make the perfect the enemy of the necessary," as President Obama said recently, quoting Voltaire.

Your experiences and knowledge are excellent, very impressive! But I think you should do this to every paragraph in order to support that theme:
Change either the first or last sentence of each paragraph so that every paragraph either begins or ends with a sentence that tells how the main idea of the paragraph is an example to support your theme about "not being able to do everything" but " being sure to do something" despite your limitations.

Know what I mean? Make it so that the essay serves as a lesson to deepen the reader's understanding of that quote.

:-)

Poetry / Ideas about writing and acrostic poem [3]

Hi Dan and Edward,

The acrostic poem is simple and easy to make! en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acrostic

Just think of a word that you want the lines to spell out. What is the "magic" word that transmits a profound insight about bullying?If you could say one word to a bully, or to someone being bullied, what would it be?

You can also use a brief message to them. What would be the message (2 or 3 words, maybe) that you would want them to deeply consider?

Whatever it is, let that message appear vertically on the page.

:-)

Writing Feedback / MONEY is not the most important aspect of a job in certain cases! [4]

Many people need a job for financial purposes.
or
Many people need a job for a financial purpose.

At As the beginning, experiences ...

This especially influences students, and many of them desire with many desiring to get a part-time job while

However, it is not the most imperative element. ---You did not show that any other element is more important. Therefore, I think you should say this instead:

However, it is not the only important element.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cancer -- To live life by my mother's daily words of wisdom. [4]

If you use more words than necessary, the essay loses some of its power:
It was that morning, that In a crushing, crashing, crippling moment where when the world stood still, where I sat rigidly atop the dining room chair, knuckles clenched white against the security blanket of the knotty wood, frozen in disbelief, in unimaginable grief.

Use a hyphen for year-old:
seventeen year-old

very good writing here: short supply of self-esteem ever carry on?

... underwent invasive surgery and survived ---I'm so glad to hear that! I was expecting that this essay would indicated her passing.

the ordeal, I discovered a new found strength, a generous dose of self-confidence, personal reassurance that I could achieve---Your ability to achieve your goals does not depend on her ability to survive cancer. Cancer kills one in four of us, though often not until we are much older, but... it is important that your confidence is not contingent on this or anything else. I like this essay a lot, but it leaves me wondering if you will be able to stay focused even when loved ones do die because of their illnesses.

Good luck in school!! :-)

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplements: Necropsy, My Ears are My Soul, Freedom - EA [5]

Here is an idea to make it more efficient:
Walking out of the room, I came out with a felt profound appreciation for all things hidden to the naked eye.

This should probably be revised: I admire the liberty ...---You cannot admire liberty.

to embrace both science and the unique human aspect defined in medicine----this part, too... is unnecessarily complex and unclear. If you have a lot of words in a complex sentence, it has to have some specific meaning to convey..

Stanford also provides for a rich cultural experience without boundaries. ---again, you are vague and abstract here, so the sentence does not really carry any meaning.

Taiko, Cultural Interaction Club, and the Korean Christian Fellowship, which would provide both a niche and surprises. At the same time, I relish the world off campus---these are good, specific examples.

I wish to have witnessed ...I don't think this one is written in a way that expresses an interesting theme. It seems like an arbitrary choice, and the idea of conquistadors showing that anything is possible seems like a contrived way to draw meaning from the topic.

But this one is very good!--->... my grandfather may have ...

Undergraduate / Should personal essay on Common App be less than 150 words?? [3]

My internship at PSEG this summer was an important experience because it helped me to get an understanding for life outside of high school.---A little too simple and obvious. I think you could use this intro sentence to say something more significant.

And you need "had" here:
...that had surrounded me for the past seventeen years.

Take out the word "me"
They drank coffee while furiously typing into their laptops, never looking up to acknowledge me the strange sight of a teenager taking the train to work.

I think this gets very good near the end! The last few sentences are my favorite parts of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "what I'm capable of" - Brown supp - "What Don't you know?" [6]

I'll connect 2 sentences with a dash so that the one with the examples of limits will not be incomplete:
Without meaning to, I have placed limits on myself that hinder my potential -- limits such as, "I'm bad at...

Use a capital S for senior:
When I found out I was moving I had set the limit: "Senior year...

will be awful", but to my surprise senior year is not awful, a nd I am successfully adapting to a brand new environment.

I don't know if this sentence is importantenough to deserve a place at the beginning of this paragraph:
I cannot remember looking forward to a single math class. -----can you revise to make it a good "topic sentence" for the paragraph?

Let's make this small change:
Luckily, this limit, along with like all my other limits, has been eradicated.

I think this is a great way to respond to the prompt!

Undergraduate / "sharing a space with Austin's nerd" - Stanford -Roommate and Intellectual vitality [6]

In a sentence like this, use a dash instead of a semi-colon:
As a member of society, how can I come to terms with being part of the problem; one reluctant soldier in the conflict between the civilized and the uncivilized?

Use a semi;colon when the material on each side of it could be a complete sentence. (this is just a general rule of style... no big deal).

I like this discussion, especially the observation of suffocating the earth under pavement. I think the end is too cliche, though! Let's be part of the solution, not the problem.---I know you have this as your theme.. wanting to be part of the solution. But you should probably find a clever, unique way to word this instead of using the cliche.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Basketball, enjoy a little of everything" - Why Upenn- Upenn Supplement, Feedback [3]

amongst the crowd---I am not sure if this is okay.
This is okay: amongst the chattering students.
But I don't know if you can be amongst a crowd (i.e. singular noun). Anyway, it is alright, I think. It just did not sound right, but I think it is not really an error.

The verb tense is messed up here:
As we discuss our latest literature techniques and styles, I remember that I had have forgotten some important notes for my Music major as well.

But actually, "remember that I have forgotten" is kind of strange. It is better to do this: ...realize that I have forgotten..."

My interests are vast and general; I enjoy a little of everything, mostly because I feel that if I were to occupy my mind on with only one thing it would close it completely to any other choices.

Whenever possible, replace the word "things" with a stronger word!

:-)

Undergraduate / Integrity and Honesty -Common app essay [4]

I am glad this description is not applicable to me.---If you end the first paragraph with this sentence, it will ring out in the readers mind for a long time. It should express a theme of the essay. If you want to adjust the message of the essay, add a little to this sentence.

Being honesty honest can sometimes hurt, as we are usually disadvantaged when competing agains t those who cheat. But that makes integrity more valuable than any other quality.

So the answer is choice. I can be either a liar who ignores integrity, or a righteous person who is blessed and revered.-----well, it's tough, because sometimes you might have to choose between being honest and being compassionate. Or you might have to choose between being honest and being loyal to a friend. Or you might have to choose between being honest and optimizing the likelihood that your loved one will get some necessary medical attention.

So, I think you would enjoy reading about Kant's categorical imperative and Mill's utilitarianism. Compare them, and you will enjoy the stuff you learn! :-)

I know it is hard, but I've tried my best to uphold my...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My Turn to Lead" - Purdue essay [3]

I think to is much better than onto here:
In order to spread my love for camp onto to younger campers, I knew it was vital for me to step up and bring out the best ...

In a lot of places, you can trim away some excess words in the sentences:

Unlike the crazy and loud S.I.T.'s, I came off tried to be calmer. Me Being more calm led others to think I was more of a shy person. People show their leadership in different ways and...

You gave some great examples!

Throughout these those eight weeks, my knowledge and passion about being an influential leader has have significantly opened my mind to what a leader actually means; furthermore, I don't agree with how the ideal thought about the ideal of a leader as one who represents only one type of personality. Leadership is able to be portrayed through numerous types of personalities.

Undergraduate / "Heart to Heart" - someone who is influential to you COMMON APP [6]

It was not until ...----> that.

It was not until I nearly lost my father to heart failure did that I realized how significant he was to me.

I memorized every single book I could find about the circulatory system. ---If you say this, it is impressive, but it is better if you give a few examples of books you've studied.

I think the ending is especially good... But I would take out a few words:
I do it because it is my passion-I do it because I want to.

This is a great essay!

Undergraduate / "My dad said: make good choices" - Brown Supp-Best Advice [5]

I know the deadline passed, but I'll take this opportunity to show an important technique: Transplanting a Word.

In the beginning, you have a good opportunity to learn about the way to transplant a word. Take out "things" and replace it with a stronger word. You'll see that the sentence still remains the same as it was basically, but the new player on the team makes it stronger. How about the word "images" or the word "ideas"...

:-)

Undergraduate / Sincerity - MIT Attribute of Your Personality Essay Prompt - Editing [5]

...became the driving force behind deception. In essence, the fall of sincerity became a fall in our value of humanity. The last part of this sentence could be written in a clearer way.

... information about maybe a test, homework, or even college applications. Just being there, sincerely, to answer even the smallest questions convinces me what a difference it makes. and again here, you can do a little better, I think. I have some ideas about how you could end it, but I'm not telling! You write very well, and I think you could make this ending much more powerful. I don't think this is too complicated, though, and I don't think it fails to express who you are.

Undergraduate / "The Value of Opportunity" USC Essay [9]

Hey, I see one mistake you make a lot: leaving out a word that we sometimes do not bother to include when speaking, but that we really are supposed to use... like "about" or "during"... see the 3 examples below:

I sit watching the finale of a year long soap opera thinking to myself about how the...

... just giving thought to insignificant matters. ---Okay, add a sentence right here to express the main message of the essay, the idea you want the reader to remember. Then, end the paragraph.

Next paragraph:
During the summer before ninth...

In retrospect I think about what a fool I was for having...

***Check to see if your paragraphs begin with a TOPIC SENTENCE that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Mongolia, a successful nurse or engineer" - "Realization" (need editing) [8]

I would change it to would not:
...they wanted more for their kids, more for my brother and me, so we would not don't have to suffer as they did, so we don't would not have to go through the pain that they have felt.

... main focus was as miniscule minuscule as avoiding getting hit by the teacher, since they had every right to do so.

You should probably have semi-colons here:
I want to graduate from college, I want to help people; I want to make my parents proud for their hard work and be the best I can be; I want to take every chance that ...

I think this is very strong, and it makes the reader like you, but it could be stronger. If you have not already submitted it yet, do a little research to see what is going on in the fields of nursing and engineering and come up with a few organizations you would like to work with some time. Come up with a few examples of current research to whcih you'd like to contribute.

Those details are the good parts, ths substance of the essay, the jelly inside the doughnut. I think you could add some discussion of these fields of expertise without messing up the focus of the essay. I think the essay is well written!

Undergraduate / Lost in Musical Translation-CommonApp Essay [3]


Yes, this is pretty excellent writing. It is not just excellent writing, but excellent THINKING.

However, I think if you mention Drew Barrymore once, you should mention her again somehow so that you can resolve whatever questions it raised... whatever point you were making by mentioning her has to be made fully.

Oh... hahahah, as I get to the end of the essay I see that you did mention her again... you did a great job, seriously. This is an essay that a lot of musicians could appreciate... something that should be published in a magazine as a way of promoting your music.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Mowing the Lawn!" - Common App Short Answer [3]

Wow, I wish I had your enthusiasm! I never mow the lawn, and sometimes I don't even shave my face!
:-)

I graciously sip ----I don't think graciously is the right word here.

You wrote this with a nice flowing rhythm, and it seems like the relaxed writing style reflects your relaxed personality.

However, I think this can be better if you make mowing the lawn become a metaphor for something... something of profound meaning. Or you can make mowing the lawn symbolize your philosophy of life.

:-)