Writing Feedback / Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates [5]

It is neither possible nor useful for a country to provide university places for a high proportion of young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

I'm writing this in the format of an IELTS writing task 2, please help me review it <3 Thank you so much!

the importance of tertiary education

Tertiary education is becoming an increasingly popular choice among high school graduates. Nevertheless, an uprising argument suggests that offering tertiary education for the mass of its youth is neither beneficial nor feasible for a nation. This essay disapproves this idea and will give its reasons.

Firstly, higher education contributes greatly to preparing young people for their future career. The massive growth of technology has caused the professional world to become more and more demanding, and competition in the workplace to become more and more intense. Thus, the future employee must possess professional expertise, as well as outstanding interpersonal and analytical abilities. These skills can only be obtained from academic training, social interactions and practical experience, which are offered by university education and the campus environment. On a more macroscopic scale, a highly-skilled workforce is a leading factor in prompting economic development for any country. Higher education is therefore, one of the stepping stones towards achieving sustainable development for a nation.

Secondly, regarding such necessity of tertiary education, countries should make the provision of tertiary education for aspiring students their major priority, and this can be accomplished in many ways. For instance, scholarships should be available for financially needy students, via governmental subsidies or external sources. The governments of poor countries can encourage investments in higher education from richer countries that are their trading partners. All in all, it is highly feasible for most countries to provide university training for the majority of its young people.

In conclusion, in this era of modernization, all countries should acknowledge the importance of tertiary education in their future prospects, and encourage their students to undertake university training in order to facilitate their own future career, as well as the sustainable development of their countries.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Motivation for sports persons [6]

Question: In the past, sporting champions used to be motivated primarily by the desire to win a match or to break world records. These days, they are more likely to be motivated by the prize money and the opportunity to be famous.

What message does this send to young people and how does this attitude to sport affect the sports themselves?

genuine sports values protection

The glorious prospects of triumph, and the satisfaction of overcoming limitations used to be the major motivation for sportsmen and women of the old days. Today, however, fortune and fame have become the drive for the pursuit of sports amongst many modern sports players. This reflects the growth of negative materialism among the youth, and would have detrimental impacts on the sporting spirit.

First and foremost, this change in attitude towards sports is alarming to the young generation in general. It implies that money and fame have been overrated and have become the basic motivation in life for many young people today. Consequently, as people try to find shortcuts to wealth and fame, moral values such as integrity, goodwill, honesty, etc, would become of inferior importance. This change in the mindset of a number of young people is the grassroots to the problems faced by the sports community of modern days.

This phenomenon would make many alterations to the values of sports today. The ultimate goal of sports players, which used to be the conquest of their opponents and the limitations of themselves, would shift to seeking prizes and the chance to make headlines. As a result, instead of putting real efforts into practicing and trying to win, the sports players with materialistic mindset would find ways to cheat, or to attract attention from the public. The core values of sports, which are fair-play and genuine passion would be undermined and neglected. Sports themselves would become a source of exploitation for money-makers and fame-seekers.

In conclusion, the shift in the main drive of sports players today is the implication of the negative materialistic ways of thinking in a proportion of the youth, and would result in the undermining of genuine sports values from the old days. Therefore, it should be criticized and abolished by the mass of the society.

Please help me review this! Thank you

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Should the past criminal record be presented to the jury? [3]

Question: Under British and Australian laws a jury in a criminal case has no access to information about the defendant's past criminal record. This protects the person who is being accused of the crime.

Some lawyers have suggested that this practice should be changed and that a jury should be given all the past facts before they reach their decision about the case.

Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answers.

guilty of past crimes

In Britain and Australia, records of the defendant's previously convicted crimes are lawfully concealed from the jury. This practice is expected to prevent biased judgments on the defendant. However, it has encountered disagreement from some lawyers as they insist that a view of the accused person's criminal background should be provided to the jury. This essay partially agrees with this viewpoint, whilst to an extent, acknowledges the merits of the existing practice.

Firstly, a comprehensive view of the defendant's background, including past criminal records, provides the essential foundation for the decision making process of the jury. Without exception, a person's past events profoundly influence their actions in the present. In the context of a criminal case, criminals involving in systematic crimes such as drug trafficking or bank theft have a tendency to re-commit their crimes, because the crimes are basically their profession. In addition, some offences reflect a person's habitual course of action. For instance, multiple past records of shoplifting or drunk-driving may indicate that the person has a habit of committing these crimes. Therefore, chances of them committing such offences are significantly higher than that of those who consistently conform to the laws.

On the other hand, the current practice is reasonable in the sense that it defends the accused person from misleading stereotypes facilitated by their previous conviction. The mistakes in the past may be irrelevant to the present circumstances, and the person's actions may no longer be based on the past situations. Some offences may be unintentional, and therefore do not reflect a person's tendency of actions. It is also to be noted that many past criminals receive re-education and wish to turn to the honest path of living. Hence, judgments based on previous conviction may become unfair and biased.

In conclusion, both the current practice and the opposing idea have their own reasonable justifications. The criminal background of a person may act as a foundation for their present offences, and therefore should be considered by the jury. Nevertheless, conclusions based on accidental crimes in the past may be inaccurate and irrelevant in the present situation.

This one's a bit long since it's a complicated topic, I had a hard time working it out in my head :)) Please include a specific band score for this essay in your comment if possible. Thank you!

Writing Feedback / Should working hours be reduced? [8]

Question:The length of the working week does not reflect modern lifestyle needs. It should be substantially reduced to give people more leisure time and time with their families. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Give reasons for your answers and include any relevant examples from your knowledge or experience. Write at least 350 words.
(As you can tell from the word requirement, this is not an IELTS task 2 essay, it's the kind of essay that allows you more scope to develop your ideas, and also requires more than just paraphrasing the question in the introduction.)

physical and mental health should not be overlooked

Six days a week, eight hours a day - most workers in the modern world should consider the workplace as their second home. This has given rise to the idea that the number of working hours per week should be decreased to meet the needs of the modern life, and create room for relaxation and family activities. This essay completely approves this idea and will give its supporting reasons.

Firstly, the long working week brings about undesirable effects upon family bonding. With estimatedly 48 hours per week, the employees spend the most efficient, energetic hours of their day at the workplace, not to mention extra shifts and home-working. When the working hours are finished and the employees return to their homes, they are more than likely to be left exhausted, be it physically or mentally. The implication of this is that family time would fall into the worn-out, tired part of the clock when most activities are hurried to get to the most efficient relaxation: sleep. In addition, workers of the modern world who suffer tremendous amounts of pressure would find it hard to switch off at home, hence their family time being clogged with thoughts of work in their heads. Spending quality time with families, therefore, would essentially become a demanding task.

Secondly, the current large number of working hours implies that the workers would be hindered to enjoy entertainment activities throughout the week. Hobbies and pastimes, however seemingly unimportant, develop a spiritual life outside of work for the workers, and thus nurture their mental health and release the stress. With the modern developments giving rise to pressure at the workplace, the employees should be encouraged to enjoy leisure activities to eradicate the negative emotions resulted from work problems. And this cannot be accomplished with the employees being exhausted after long working hours.

On the opposing side, some may argue that the current working hours should be maintained to guarantee sufficient productivity, and thus maintain the current wage. Nevertheless, the massive growth of technology would allow most jobs to become more and more time-efficient, which would significantly reduce the necessary working time. In addition, a thoroughly relaxed and refreshed worker would undebatably produce better outcome at work than a physically and mentally tired employee.

In conclusion, the cruciality of relaxation and family time to the workers' physical and mental health should not be overlooked. Therefore, current working hours should be significantly reduced. This would be facilitated by the development of technology and would result in enhanced performance at work.

Please help be review this. Thank you!

Letters / Motivation Letter - UN4MUN South East Asia Conference [3]

I already submitted this to meet the deadline, but since motivation letters are frequently requested, I figure I'd get some feedback from you guys to improve my writing for future applications.

MOTIVATION LETTER

Introduce yourself, and tell the organizers about your interest in their conference.

Dear USEAC 2018 Secretariat,
My name is Tran Minh Chau (Joanna Tran), I am from Hue, Vietnam. Through this letter, I would like to express my great desire to join the UN4MUN South East Asia Conference 2018.

I am a 17-year-old student in the small city of Huế, Vietnam. For the longest I can remember, I have always considered myself unbound by the quietness and reservedness of the land I was born in: I am always in the search for new opportunities to develop myself and work for my purposes. I am fascinated by the prospects of overcoming new challenges, of accomplishing my own goals, and applying what I learned to benefit my community. I have ambitions of changing not only myself, but also my hometown, whose problems its people have grown familiar with. I am driven, determined, and have well-defined purposes for everything I do. These qualities allow me to expect excellent outcomes of my work.

I attended my first Model UN conference last year, and I remember falling in love with the experience immediately. Model UN turned out not to be what I expected: the atmosphere was not that of a competition, but rather a progressive community where everyone was trying to bring out the best of themselves, where everyone cared about and worked for greater purposes beyond themselves. It was a community I would choose to belong to, and I long to return to. Therefore, I hope to be offered the opportunity of joining USEAC 2018, and bringing out the best of my potentials to contribute to the conference.

USEAC 2018 would be a whole new challenge for me. Unlike my last conference, USEAC employs the UN4MUN procedure, which up to now remains unfamiliar to me and many of my fellow attenders. However, instead of being intimidated by such unfamiliarity, I would be thrilled to experience the current most accurate conference procedure, which emphasizes mutual consensus instead of favoring the majority like other procedures. The procedure would require me to brush up my diplomatic skills, and to hold a more macroscopic view on matters. I expect to walk out of the conference venue a different person, with my skills enhanced and my horizon expanded.

All things considered, I would very much appreciate the opportunity to join USEAC 2018. Should I be given such opportunity, I promise to attend the conference with passion and goodwill.

Thank you for considering my request. I look forward to your positive response.
Yours sincerely,
Tran Minh Chau.

Essays / Some inquiries about university essay. [3]

(It's been a long time since I last posted, I miss this community lol)

application to Korea University

So the study plan section of my university application consists of 3 short essay questions:
1. What is the purpose of your application to Korea University?
(Less than 2000 letters including spaces)
2. What do you know about your intended major and why did you choose it?
(Less than 2000 letters including spaces)
3. What are your future plans after graduating from Korea University?
(Less than 2000 letters including spaces)

Questions 2 and 3 are quite clear, but I'm confused about the first. What do you guys think I should include in the answer for the FIRST QUESTION and how should I organize it? (2000 characters is about 350 words by the way).

Writing Feedback / What members of a city sports club think about the club's activities, facilities and opening hours? [3]

(IELTS task 1 aka the part of the test I'm most insecure in)

Satisfaction Survey

Question: The table below shows the results of a survey to find out what members of a city sports club think about the club's activities, facilities and opening hours.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make any comparisons where relevant.

Range of activitiesVery satisfiedSatisfiedNot satisfied
Female members 35% 35% 30%
Male members 55% 40% 5%
Club facilities
Female members 64% 22% 14%
Male members 63% 27% 10%
Opening hours
Female members 72% 25% 3%
Male members 44% 19% 37%

Answer:
The table depicts the level of satisfaction among members of the city sports club regarding the club's activities, facilities and opening time. Results are divided by the respondents' gender, and are presented by percentage.

Overall, the opinions of male and female members contrast with each other in a number of ways. The category of opening hours receives the most positive response from women and the most negative response from men, whilst the opposite applies to the range of activities. Details are given below.

For female members of the club, the opening hours is the category in which the highest level of satisfaction is recorded, with 97% of the response being "Very satisfied" and "satisfied". The club's facilities also draws relatively optimistic reactions, with 86% of female members claining to be satisfied with this category. The range of activities, on the other hand, is the most dissatisfying category with 30% of the response being negative.

From the male point of view, the opposite results are recorded. The club's activities - the category that receives the most negative response from women - achieves the highest degree of satisfaction from men with 95% of positive response. The category of opening hours also showcases a similar pattern - while receiving the most positive response from females, it is the most dissatisfying category among men with 37% of the response being "not satisfied". (225 words)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Should we abandon our convenient lifestyle? [3]

sacrifice for the sake of future generations

Question: The key to solving environmental problems is for the present generation to sacrifice their convenient lifestyle for the sake of future generations. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

The modern lifestyle presents to humans unprecedented convenience. There is an idea, however, that such convenience comes at the expense of the environment and our own descendants' benefits, and that therefore, it should be reduced or abandoned. Personally, I agree with this idea and this essay will clarify my view.

Firstly, a large proportion of the daily convenience today's generation enjoys has detrimental impacts on the environment, and is easily replaceable. Taking for instance the use of air transport, it can be clearly seen that one airplane trip releases tons of carbon dioxide, many times more than a road journey over the same distance does. In many cases, the convenience of air travel prevails the interests of the environment, and travellers opt for an airplane trip instead of a 2-hour drive. The use of air-conditioning showcases a similar pattern: oftentimes the much more energy consuming air conditioners are chosen instead of fans that would be just as efficient in an acceptable temperature. These examples prove that in several circumstances, negative impacts to the environment can be avoided if only humans opt for a slightly less convenient way of living.

Secondly, the sacrifice of modern convenience may lead to the reduction of industrial pollution, which is a major culprit to environmental problems. Industries whose products serve the modern life of humans, namely the energy industry, produce huge amounts of polluting gases and waste material everyday, and consume a large proportion of natural resources. These industries thrive on the demand of extravagant convenience of humans. Therefore, should such demand be reduced, then there is a high chance that harmful impacts of these industries on the environment will be minimized.

In conclusion, the modern lifestyle encompasses several types of unnecessary convenience. Therefore, the interests of the environment and future generations could be served with changes in people's daily habits. Such changes, as a result, will also lead to the reduction of industrial impacts on the environment. (325 words)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - The increasing influence of the young generation [5]

Question: Young people in the modern world seem to have more power and influence than any previous young generation.
Why is this the case?
What impact does this have on the relationship between old and young people?

Young generation rules

Answer:

In today's society, it seems like the older generations are no longer a figure of authority. Rather, young people are becoming unprecedentedly influential in a number of ways. The results of this trend are various changes in the young - old generation relationship.

The influences that young people possess today are largely a result of technology development. Firstly, the wide availability of Internet provides not only unlimited sources of knowledge, but also new schools of thoughts and immediately updated events around the world for the youth. Such knowledge is a profound means of empowerment, as it provides young people with critical thinking skills and a more accurate view of the world around them. In addition, new means of communication, especially social media, offer a convenient platform for the young to express their opinions. As a result, young people nowadays constitute a major, influential part of public opinions on social matters.

As a result of this trend, the relationship between the old and young generations is undergoing profound, and mostly positive changes. Specifically, preceding generations used to be the powerhouse in the society. They were typically more knowledgeable, and thus carried more weight to their words. As young people start to be empowered by knowledge, the relationship seems to demonstrate more equality, which allows more converstion and understanding between the generations.

In conclusion, the rapid development of technology has given young people a more influential role in the society. Such change has made the relationship between young and old generations more equal. This appears to be a positive change since it allows generations to nurture more understanding in the inter-generation relationship.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 Weight group comparison; the proportion of underweight, normal-weight and overweight people [2]

Question: The table illustrates the percentage of male and female in terms of weight in Vietnam from 1999 to 2009.

Weight group comparison

The given table compares the proportion of underweight, normal-weight and overweight people between the two sexes in Vietnam. Data was recorded over the 10-year course from 1999 to 2009, and is presented by percent.

Overall, it is evident that the normal-weight group was the prominent group within both sexes throughout the years. The proportion of overweight men constantly decreased, but not to the extent which the overweight rates of women did. Details are given below.

For women, the percentage of underweight people generally remained static, at 28-29% throughout the years. The normal-weight group displayed an upward trend in proportion, rising from 43% in 1999 to 56% in 2009. The most significant change was shown in the overweight group, which almost halved over the course, from 28% to 15%.

Men, on the other hand, showcased more subtle changes in weight groups. The underweight group, which accounted for the lower percentage than that of women, experienced a slight drop from 26% to 23%. The same pattern applied for the overweight group. The proportion of normal-weight people is the only figure that increased, though slightly, from 48% to 54%.

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